I (30F) often fantasize about my boyfriend's (30M) best friend

The more I think about it, it makes me cringe cus I really dont want to be feeling this way.

I'm in a loving good loong-term relation with my boyfriend of 10 years. I'm very much in love with him, which is why I dont understand why my brain's doing this thing.

In more than 3-4 occasions I've fantasized about my boyfriend's best friend (whos also a good friend to me) and I find him really hot. But ofcourse I'm NEVER EVER going to act on it. I'd never ruin what I have with my man for anyone or anything else.

But I really just dont understand why I end up thinking this way and it scares me. And the worst part is I cant even tell about this to my man, cus as much as he's the most secure man I know of, knowing something like this will always make you feel ugly things. I dont want to do that to him. Also they're roommates so I cant ignore him even if I wanted to. I tried to, but it just doesnt work that

way.

Is it normal to feel this way or am I fucked in the brain?

I've always had this internal fear that I'd end up cheating on him, cus my mom cheated on my dad, and I've had this fear that "What if I'm like her !?!?"

TLDR: I hate it and I want to know what I could do about this feeling.

Me (21F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been dating for a little over 2 years. We are in the process of getting ready to move in together next month so I assumed the relationship was going great.
From the start of this relationship he has always been the more fit one. He has a 6 pack abs and runs all the time. He eats fairly healthy and really
takes pride in his physique. I on the over hand am moderately fit. I am an ex track and field athlete so my lower body is very defined. When i quit sports I did gain a bit of belly fat but it never truly bothered me,, especially when i met my bf bc he always mentioned how he loved how soft and feminine i looked and he wouldn’t trade my body for the world.
We got on the topic last night of me wanting to lose weight. For reference I am 5’4, 177lbs but 26% body fat. He was supportive but also did not fail to mention that he loves me the way i am. satisfied we ended the conversation.
Earlier today we were texting and he randomly
sent a message to me saying he loves me but i should definitely consider losing the weight. He mentioned that if i lost 12 pounds i would be “perfect”. I was just extremely taken aback because we were talking about work at the time and he randomly brings up my weight and how i specifically need to lose 12 pounds. It hurt my feelings so bad. Especially since i do go to the gym 4-5 times a week and eat relatively healthy and i don’t have any issues with the way i look.
I told him it hurt my feelingsy and we proceeded to get into an argument about how he’s not allowed to share his preferences bc i take everything personal.. not sure where to go from here :/ I feel like a loser because maybe I am fat. I just didn’t want to hear it from him :(

TL;DR: My boyfriend of 2 years, who I’ve always believed loved my body, randomly texted me that I should lose 12 pounds because I’d be “perfect.” It really hurt, especially since I already work out regularly and wasn’t insecure about my body. When I told him it upset me, we argued because he said I was taking his preferences too personally. Now I don’t know what to think.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 1.5 years now. We both had a few years of being single in between our prior relationships. Her last relationship was her longest and only other one, lasting around 15 years with her high school sweetheart. They adopted a dog together about 9 years ago and raised it together from when it was a baby.

They broke up when he cheated on her multiple times, and she moved out. But they’ve remained in contact due to their shared custody of the dog, mainly because my gf can’t afford to hire a dog sitter all the time while she’s at work, and it’s free for her to drop him off at his place.

I watch the dog a lot of the time since I’m home some days that she’s at work. But sometimes, even if I’m home, he’ll ask to watch the dog, and she’ll drop him off there.

I’ve spoken to her about this before, mainly letting her know I understand the dynamic is purely a shared custody setup. I also made a polite request that she keep the communication between the two of them to a minimum and to only keep it about the dog. I don’t check her phone, but I’ll catch glimpses of her texts and see that he’s been texting her, and it always looks like casual conversation about the dog.

She’s spoken her mind about how disgusted she is with him, so it’s not a real worry that she’s still in love with him or anything. It’s mainly the constant communication that rubs me the wrong way. I get they basically grew up together and raised this dog from its childhood, and I want to help my gf in any way that I can. I’m not trying to make her life hard by asking her to cut him off, hire a dog sitter, drop him off somewhere else, etc.
Is this normal?

TLDR: My gf raised a dog with her last partner of 15 years, and due to that bond and ease of access, she remains in contact with him to share custody of the dog.

I (M26) feel nausea/vomiting/disgust feelings any time I feel feelings of love or sleep with my partner (F24). I have not disclosed this with her.

It started early in the relationship when she told me about a threesome she recently had. Two male housemates and the third man watching her. The complicating addition there is that we cannot have sex. Or rather we have to extremely tender and slow due to a few physical conditions she has recently had. I won't go into details but it just means that she finds it very hard to have any penetrative sex due to pain that is worsening. Or rather sex has to be extremely tender and gentle (during which I just get intrusive imagery of her with those men)

I found out very early in the relationship before we could develop our own intimacy. And I know it's in her past, but I just can't stop this physical reaction. I have to block it off. It's getting a little tiring. And I don't like hiding it from her. I am madly in love with her, and it's been a year now. It's just that the feeling of love comes with the disgust. Any advice?

TLDR: I can't stop feeling sick during sex with girlfriend because of her past, and we can't have penetrative sex (very difficult). I feel guilty.

Edit: This seems to not be very popular. To clarify. This is an involuntary reaction. It varies from very mild nausea to some stronger feelings in the back of the throat. I can separate how I feel about her and my physical response. And no I do not hold it against her in any way. She saw my reaction the first time, but I do not tell her about it. Again, my feelings for her are separate from this reaction. It's just the involuntary intrusive imagery.

I just can't get rid of the physical response. That's what I was hoping to fix. If you have any tips, that would be great. Thanks.

i (19F) want to start by saying that my bf (22M) is generally a nice person and doesn't speak to me disrespectfully outside of arguments

however, during heated arguments, he sometimes says things like 'r word,' 'can you shut your mouth,' and 'suck it up.' hes also said things like 'you're ruining my life.'

ive told him that these things hurt me and that i would like us to remain respectful during arguments, but he still does it when he's upset

im not trying to excuse my own behaviour when im wrong but i don't feel like being wrong gives him the right to say hurtful things when he knows im extremely sensitive to it & have tried asking him not to say such things during arguments before

growing up w a lot of toxicity at home, i just really don't want the same dynamic in my relationship, i always make sure i never say anything i don't mean in the heat of the moment that could hurt him & if he is too upset to talk respectfully, id rather that he takes a step back to cool down before continuing the conversation

how do i go about this?

TL;DR [AI generated]: My boyfriend is generally nice, but during arguments he calls me things like “r word” tells me to “shut my mouth” and “suck it up,” and has said “you’re ruining my life.” I’ve told him these things hurt me and asked him to stop, but he continues when he’s upset. I know I’m not always right, but I don’t think being wrong excuses disrespect. I grew up around toxicity and don’t want that dynamic in my relationship, so I’d rather we take a break and cool down than say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. How do I handle this?

TL;DR: My husband says I expect perfection. I think I'm asking for consideration, communication, consistency, and partnership. After years of feeling unheard, emotionally neglected, and responsible for carrying most of the mental and emotional load, I don't recognize myself anymore. Can someone genuinely become more considerate and less defensive after this many years, or is this who he is?

My husband (37M) and I (36F) have been together for 14 years, married for 9, and have four kids. We both work, and I homeschool our children.

I'm not looking for validation or for people to immediately tell me to leave. I know I'm not perfect. I can be blunt, impatient, and when I feel repeatedly unheard my tone gets worse. I've absolutely said hurtful things out of frustration, and I take responsibility for that.

But I don't think that's the root of our marriage problems.

My biggest unmet needs

1. Consideration

This is the deepest issue.

I don't expect perfection. I expect consideration.

I want a partner who naturally thinks, "How will this affect my wife?"

I want someone who notices, observes, thinks ahead, and acts without me having to explain everything.

Instead, I often feel like I have to point out things that seem obvious:

• Repeatedly leaving our gas stove burners on.
• Leaving food in the oven before we left for a week.
• Changing systems into something less functional.
• Forgetting conversations we've already had.
• Not noticing when I'm overwhelmed.
• Small decisions that create more work for me because they weren't thought through.

None of those things alone would end a marriage.

Together, they leave me feeling unseen.

I don't mind explaining something once.

What exhausts me is feeling like I have to notice every problem, explain why it matters, explain how to fix it, remind him, follow up, and still deal with the consequences if nothing changes.

I wanted an equal partner, not to feel responsible for managing another capable adult.

2. Communication

I don't feel heard or understood.

When I bring up concerns, conversations often become about:

• My tone instead of the issue.
• Defending himself instead of trying to understand me.
• Assumptions about my intentions instead of questions.
• Being told I expect perfection or always have to be right.
• Pointing out things I've done wrong so we're "even."

I don't need agreement.

I need curiosity.

I want someone who says, "Help me understand."

I enjoy talking through ideas, parenting decisions, finances, and life. I don't need him to think exactly like I do. I enjoy respectful disagreement.

What hurts is feeling like conversations become debates instead of attempts to understand each other or solve a problem together.

3. Consistency

After arguments, he often apologizes or says he understands.

But I rarely see lasting change.

I don't need more apologies.

I need evidence.

Evidence that the next conflict looks different.

Evidence that I won't have to explain the same things over and over.

Emotional safety

Over the years I've experienced:

• Being yelled at in front of our children.
• Physical altercations during arguments that left me feeling unsafe.
• Alcohol making conflicts worse.
• Feeling like vulnerable things I've shared about myself were later brought up during arguments.

I know he'd probably describe some of those situations differently.

I'm only explaining how they've affected me.

The bigger picture

I carry most of the planning, organizing, scheduling, homeschooling, anticipating needs, problem-solving, and emotional labor for our family.

What hurts isn't just the workload.

It's feeling like no one is helping carry me.

One of his biggest unmet needs is physical intimacy.

Mine are consideration, communication, consistency, emotional safety, and partnership.

He believes we should work on meeting each other's needs at the same time.

I understand why.

But I don't know how to reconnect physically while I still feel emotionally disconnected.

What hurts most

I don't like who I've become.

I don't think I'm naturally an angry, critical, resentful person.

I think years of feeling unheard, emotionally alone, and responsible for carrying so much have changed me.

I don't want to feel like I'm still teaching my partner how to consider me after 14 years together.

I don't need perfection.

I need responsiveness.

If something hurts me, I want curiosity, genuine effort to understand, and meaningful changes over time.

That's what partnership looks like to me.

My questions:

• Can someone genuinely become more considerate after this many years?
• Can chronic defensiveness actually change?
• How do you know the difference between someone who's willing but struggling to change and someone who simply isn't going to?
• At what point did you realize your relationship was changing who you were?

I'm looking for honest perspectives, especially from people who've lived through something similar.

More than anything, I feel lonely. I don't feel like I have a true partner beside me. I want to feel like someone is carrying life with me instead of standing next to me while I carry it alone.

Hi all,

This last year I 32f have been doing a lot of reflecting on my last relationship with my now ex fiancé who is 37m now. We were together for almost 4 years. I’m reflecting to understand and avoid similar difficulties occurring, going forward for future relationships. I’m wondering if anyone can give thoughts on the following.

So my now ex fiancé and I never lived together. I was still living with my family to save money and he was living with his mum and mums partner. He bought a house at 21 which he rents out and has never lived in. A year into our relationship he asked if I would be interested in living there with him soon or in near future I said yes . I couldn’t do it then because I didn’t earn much but was open to it when I earned more.

Anyway he proposed in the middle of our third year dating which I was waiting for and was happy this happened. About 6 months after proposal I started asking him where he would want to live and he never had an answer or showed much thought /initiation. I found this odd because of his age and him being different a couple years ago (I did find out he was a drug dealer at the end of our relationship and that’s why I left him so I imagine this played a part). He did however finally come up with a living arrangement idea randomly one day when I went to see him on the weekend. His mum brought up the idea and they came up with it together. This was the idea:

Him and I could buy a unit together and have it under our names. He wanted to keep his home as his own and rent it out still as an investment (fair). His mum and her partner would live in our unit , and him and I would live in his mums home. So like a swap. The reason he gave for this is because his mum wants to downsize (her single story home is already small though) and he can list his mums partner as a tenant for tax purposes so it’s like another investment . Anyway I found this odd because I thought if we are buying a unit together why wouldn’t him and I live in our own unit ? If I lived in his mums home it wouldn’t feel like my own . He never mention if his mum and partner would pay rent there. I never asked because I was taken aback by the idea and still wrapping my head around this swap. While I was scratching my head thinking he said “what are you stressed about?” Quite abruptly which was disappointing. I did express my wants and needs here calmly and said “why wouldn’t we just live in the unit ?” And he said “oh we could do that” but it was said with awkwardness , like he never thought about that lol.

Before this I mentioned to him how anxious and stressed I was living at home with my mum and if we could move in together sooner since we had a wedding date set for 11 months away etc. he just said not sure we will suss it out..

Can anyone give any insight into this reason ? I’m not with him anymore but I find myself wondering about his intentions here.

TL;DR ex fiancé came up with odd living arrangement.

My partner (28M) is the provider in our relationship. He takes care of most of our financial responsibilities and genuinely enjoys being in that role. He wants me to have a soft life, and he’s always making sure my needs are met.
The thing is, sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to repay him. I know he doesn’t expect everything to be 50/50 financially, but I still want him to feel just as cared for and appreciated as he makes me feel. We don’t have any children and we aren’t married yet but that is something he has expressed wanting with me. I don’t know how to reciprocate for all that he does for me and I feel like I’m just kind of there ?
For the men who are providers (or anyone in a similar relationship): what are some things your partner does that make you feel valued? What can I do to make his life easier or lessen the burden of him carrying most of the responsibility, even if he takes pride in doing it? I’d love to hear practical advice from people who’ve been in this dynamic.

TLDR: I feel like my partner takes on a lot of responsibility being the sole provider in our relationship. He genuinely loves it and never complains but I always feel bad & want to reciprocate but I never know how to repay him for giving me a soft life. What are things from a man’s perspective that a woman can do to lighten the load or make being a provider worth it?

M(32) f(31) This guy says he will never marry me because when I was 26 I had something super traumatic happen to me where now I have to do kegals at 31 and can’t have sex blah blah blah, we have both disrespected each others boundaries and to say the least it’s been a hectic and chaotic 2 years. I know it’s not ALL my fault but I feel like it is and I’m super depressed about it. Not only with him but with my body. I’m in trauma therapy, go to pt. I’m finally doing everything right and in the right path and now that I am he’s leaving me. Because I keep waking him up in the morning trying to “talk” along with a bunch of other bs I keep bringing to the table. I guess because I’ve been confused. He’s also super high sexual energy and with the state I’m in I’m no where near ready for that.

While everyone else is having babies and getting married I’m stuck in my parents house, unemployed, no hobbies, super negative and constantly beating myself up… I go to or twice a week and I’m about to start trauma therapy twice a week, hopefully

Tl;dr I’m having trouble accepting the facts of a 2 year relationship gone horribly wrong

Just to clarify I’m definitely NOT looking for marriage. That’s just what he tells me to clarify that this is not moving any direction than what it is. It will not level up is what he’s saying. He said it over a long time ago but still gets mad if I’m not respecting the boundaries we both have set in place. So obviously he does care about me. Obviously he does. See something in me to keep around. This isn’t all about him and I know I have to work on myself and take it slow. I’m not ready for anything serious. That’s why I can’t be around him because I have to focus on me for the time being.

(BEFORE YALL GET AT ME IM NOT SAYING IM GETTING MARRIED OR MAKING BABIES WITH HIM TOMORROW. ITS JUST ABOUT MY FEELINGS RN)

I moved overseas few years back and stuff happened recently where I ended up under the roof of some distant relatives that I never met before. They had a son around my age. We were polite and distant initially. We’re both introverted and antisocial and weird and in our own worlds.
Lately we grew rather close, hang out together all the time, do random housechores together, go biking, hikes, errands, gardening, everything together. Even his neighbors thought I was his gf.
He memorized everything I like, my tiniest habits and their meanings, my medications and side effect, what makes me happy/sad/scared, and acts on them. Brings me places he thinks makes me happy, helps with my fears, teaches me new things, names future plans. Wherever we go new places together, he takes insane amount of pictures of me and show his mum she sends them to my bestfriend and my mum and makes different labeled folders in his computer and stores them. He visited my house in our home country once and spent some time with my family. He learnt me through them, took pictures of literally everything he could find about me in my house, showed them to me and his mum multiple times, flaunted how much he knows me to my parents unconsciously. He’s helped me a lot academically, with my health, literally almost saved me from depression and whatnot. He did a lot.
Both set of parents have been describing us as the most happy and engaging they’ve ever seen us.
What I’ve written here really downplays everything. But the story is so much more. We are distant relatives but we didn’t grow up together. I met him as another adult. And I couldn’t file him in that ‘relative’ folder. Neither of us ever dated, and so not intended dating anyone until we’re settled. He keeps bringing up my non existent boyfriend every time he can under weird contexts.
But I think I’ve caught feelings. He’s basically my bestfriend now. I know it’s wrong technically. But it wasn’t in my control. I’m not saying I’m getting married to him or having babies before yall go there. I’m keeping this whole thing to myself.

Tl;dr: we’re second cousins once removed. Had to go over the family tree for that lmao.
And I’m 22, he’s 24.
But again rn it’s more about my feelings rather than us having kids lmao, I haven’t even thought this far.
And given that everything he’s doing can be explained from a family lens and is very plausibly deniable, idek why he’s doing all of that for me.

I will preface this with my relationship is very queer and we are also both autistic so we and our relationship are very “abnormal” to begin with and neurotypical people will likely struggle to understand every aspect of what I say. Sorry. If you’re not neurodivergent I would prefer if you didn’t engage with this as you’d likely have more questions than answers for me.

I [22 ftm] and my partner [21 genderfluid] have been together for multiple years in a sort of long distance relationship after going to high school together (we live 45 minutes away from each other so we don’t see each other often and I just got finished 4 years at college so we were actually long distance for a lot of that time). We are both physically disabled (them far more than me), autistic, and over all “mentally ill” (depression mostly). I have pretty bad contamination OCD (very relevant).

My main worry is that we have some vast differences in mostly hygiene that I cannot negotiate on. Much less so, I do not like the way they refer to me but I understand why they do. But starting with that since it’s the lesser issue, they’re aromantic, asexual, and genderfluid while I am just demiromantic, demisexual, and a very binary trans man. I do not mind that they’re asexual (I’m not big into sex really anyway) and I went into the relationship knowing that, but they did not consider themself aromantic at the very least, until 2 ish years ago (I have a message from may 2024 where they explicitly said they weren’t aromantic). Then they mentioned being aromantic in passing the other day when we were with a friend of theirs and I did make a joke that we were in a queer platonic relationship. I have to say after mulling it over the past day, I do not like that actually. We do not kiss, but we’re sfw touchy touchy and they’re cuddly, and I’d say that I do still consider that a romantic relationship so the aromantic thing is throwing me off. They talk about getting married one day, and our relationship not being considered “romantic” to them doesn’t necessarily hurt but feels off/wrong to me. They call me their partner (I do not like this and do want to tell them to use only boyfriend) and they have used they/them pronouns for me quite a few times despite me asking them not to (I also do not like this because again I consider myself a binary man) and I understand why they do both (because their view of gender is the total opposite of mine so partner and they/them is the default). I feel like I’d be an ass to ask them not to use the term partner but it’s not something I’m willing to “cope” with. Them using they/them pronouns for me pisses me off greatly but I am willing to overlook that since I’m pre-t and pre surgery so I don’t really look like a binary man.

As for hygiene, we have not spent a nonstop, long period of time with each other other ever until we took a trip together (siggraph in LA specifically) for 10 days. We’re sharing a room and bed for multiple days for the first time, and I am writing this after the end of day 4. They’re physically disabled (EDS or some other related hypermobile disorder and issues stemming from ovarian cancer/a total hysterectomy from said ovarian cancer) and they’re a “farm person” (grew up with tons of animals, specifically farm birds and horses) so I knew going into this that they are much less clean than I am, but they haven’t showered once in four days (even after a plane ride and sitting in the floor of the airport) and I can count the times they washed their hands after using the bathroom on one hand. Since we’ve never shared a space until this trip, I was kind of unaware of how bad it was, and was just okay with with it because at the end of the day I could scrub myself clean and be okay, but I cannot do that if we share a room, let alone a home one day which was ultimately the goal (they talk about marrying and moving in together a lot). I’d feel bad saying “hey in order for us to stay together you need to be better with your hygiene” but it’s a must I fear.

Going back to the animals, their family has a small house with a backyard full of chickens, geese, ducks, and a turkey, and the inside has multiple parrots, 3 cats, 2 large dogs, 1 rabbit, and 2 new pigeons. I knew their treatment of their animals was less than clean and healthy, but they just got the two pigeons while I was away at school, and upon returning to their house I am greeted with their entire room being quite literally covered in bird poop. This made me realise they have much deeper and bigger issues that I am willing to take on, because previously, I only knew they didn’t quite take care of their cat and rabbit specifically (dirty water, food left out that bugs get into, a never scooped cat litter box, and a small cage for the rabbit and it doesn’t go out like ever) and I felt like if we moved in together, I would be okay taking care of those thing. The pigeon thing was my tipping point. They let the pigeons roam free in their room during the day, which would be fine it they diapered the birds or cleaned up after them, but their floor, their bed, their desk, their couch, and all their stuff is just covered in bird pop and has been for genuinely months. I came home from college in the beginning of June and to today (mid July) it’s still just as bad and I don’t think it’s been cleaned once. I am not willing to clean that, and I cannot live in a house where even a single room is covered in bird poop. It’s a lot of effort to clean, but again they’re disabled and struggle to do so and I’d feel bad saying they need to do better (also not going to lie, I’m finally realising they really really neglect their animals and it’s disgusting to me because they and their family just keep getting more. Their cat died, and then they immediately got a new one, and their father got a kitten, and the poor cat barely ever has clean water and definitely does not have a clean litter box. They keep getting new animals and neglecting them and yeah I’m really realising I’m not okay with that).

I’m going to be honest, I just want to make sure I’m not “crazy” because I’m looking at our relationship for the long term and we do not feel compatible at all, but at the same time it’s really hard for me to break up with them considering what they’ve been through with me at their side. I feel like this could be fixed with time but with far more effort than I’m willing to give, and I am disappointed in myself for saying that given how long we’ve been together and how much I’ve been leaning into the relationship. I’ve been agreeing to one day get married (no serious proposal we just kind of joke about it) and reassuring them that I don’t mind their idiosyncrasies, but I apparently do very much mind and feel bad about it.

I’m sorry if this makes no sense. I don’t know what I’ve been doing for the past few years.

TLDR
my partner and I have pretty Irreconcilable differences in how we view each other, our relationship, and hygiene, and I’d feel like an ass asking them to change that much for our relationship to continue into a realistic future, but we have been together for so long (and they were formerly a cancer patient that relied on me to be there as a friend) that I hesitate to break up out of fear of being “mean” and feeling like I’m brushing off our time together (but also they severely neglect their many animals and writing this out has helped me see that and I’m kind of disgusted with them).

This is about a past relationship (though it's currently a nothingship) so I'm hoping this is the right sub.

Back in college, I dated a girl for about six months. We had a lot of fun, and it was a great relationship. We hadn't even hit any major conflicts yet. She was a freshman and I was graduating. I got scared of the idea of long-distance and worried I would be "holding her back," so I broke up with her. She was crushed, and I felt terrible, but I did it. I own that.

That breakup was 20 years ago. I've always felt bad about how it ended, but I don't regret it. I genuinely believe it wouldn't have lasted long-term anyway. We've remained Facebook friends but haven't really talked since.

The last time we communicated was 15 years ago, right before her wedding. I sent a brief message wishing her well and hoping she and her husband would enjoy a lifetime of happiness. She replied, thanked me, said it was nice to hear from me, and we exchanged general pleasantries. That was it.

The thing is, I'd love to have some sort of communication with her. I always wanted to keep in touch, just in the beginning it was "too soon", and then life happened. Even if it were just a casual "how's it going?" every now and then. To be explicitly clear: I am strictly looking for friendly communication and nothing more. We are both married, and I want to be 100% respectful of both marriages.

For the curious, my wife knows about this and is supportive. The 3 of us all knew each other back in college.

She was a really awesome person. I fully realize she is a different person now than the college freshman I knew back then. I'm also aware that not everyone who enters our lives is meant to stay forever. Some people show up, we make our impressions (good, bad, or otherwise), maybe we change each other a little bit, and then we part ways.

Since we are Facebook friends, Facebook Messenger would really be my only way of reaching out. We live on opposite ends of the country now, so any kind of in-person meetup is not practical.

Is there any reasonable way I could try to reach out here? Or is this a completely stupid idea that is absolutely not worth it?

TL;DR: I [M42] broke up with my college girlfriend [F39] 20 years ago. We haven't spoken in 15 years but are Facebook friends. We are both married with kids now. Is it okay to reach out just to be casual, platonic friends, or should I leave the past in the past?

EDIT: added that we now live far away from each other.

Title. Me and my gf had an argument about her straight best guy friend who’s ‘like a brother to her.’ We were laying in my bed and she just out of nowhere said that he told her not to date me and that I’m not a good match for her. Then I said he’s probably saying that because he wants to get in your pants. He’s never even met me. The reason why he’s definitely trying to get rid of me is because everyone else she told about me and that I’ve met in her life likes me. Her family and girl friends do. He’s the only one and she’s listening to his opinion over everyone else’s which is so Fd.

She was drunk but playing with my head during the argument and said she had second thoughts about our relationship and she doesn’t know what she wants anymore but when she mentioned the best guy friend’s opinion later that’s when I realized where that was coming from. Then I said ok we should end this then. Then she begged me to stay and said she did want to continue the relationship and she just kept going back and forth saying she does and doesn’t want it. She said I’m too perfect for her. But she cares about me so much and is only dating me and only wants me. She said he’s never tried to sleep with her and he would never. I highly doubt it.

Well we had a heated argument about the ‘best guy friend’ and she called me gaslighting and manipulative when it’s clear he’s doing that not me. She left my place in the middle of the night then she sent me a text apologizing the next day saying she didn’t want it to end like that and I replied to her acknowledging it and that we should talk in person and she hasn’t responded in over a day. This is the first time she’s not responded to me in a day.

I’m her first relationship and she’s gonna throw away her first bf for nothing. Seriously so Fd.

Why even apologize if she was just gonna not reply to me? I just don’t understand…

TLDR: me and my gf argued because her best guy friend who’s like a brother to her told her not to date me and that I’m not a good match for her. She hasn’t responded to me in over 27 hrs. Is it over?

As I get older (28F) and look to get married soon, I find myself getting more fearful of divorce. This fear stems from being in the best relationship of my life and not wanting to lose that.

For those that are divorced, why did you get divorced? Respectfully, was there always a small part of you that thought you married the wrong person?
Did you ignore signs or is life truly that scary that anything can blindside you?? what can I do now before getting married to make sure I’m with the right person and can avoid divorce.

TL;DR: trying to understand what led people to divorce and if they saw it coming before they got married.

I don’t usually come to social media for stuff like this but I’m at a loss. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months. In the beginning of our relationship we would have sex 3-4 times a week and over time it got less and less. Recently we had some friends come over and I had traumatic things happen to me involving my friend’s husband and I thought it was the reason things slowed down. But within the last month we stopped having sex completely. This has really taken a toll on my self esteem and I have voiced it several times and all I get is sighs and eye rolling. The latest time I confronted him was because I asked to have sex and he told me he didn’t have the energy to think about sex and then locked his self in the bathroom and masturbated. I have no issue with him masturbating or watching porn I get needing a quick release, but he lied to me. I opened his phone while he was sleeping to make sure he set alarms and porn popped up immediately. I started touching on him thinking he was horny and couldn’t fix it and usually if we wake each other up we will have sex or I’ll give him head. Well he told me he didn’t want to have sex so I asked when the last time he masturbated was thinking that may be the issue and he lied to me three times in a row about it. I didn’t get the truth until I told him to not lie to me because I don’t care I just wanted to know. I then told him we were going to talk about everything and figure things out. He told me that it’s nothing I did that’s he is still attracted to me. I told him that’s not what I feel like and that I felt unattractive because he doesn’t touch me at all anymore. We talked for a while just going in circles and i finally got him to open up. He said that we had a bad start to our sex life and he feels like he doesn’t do enough for me. For reference in the first 3 months of our relationship my period was 2 weeks late and he automatically assumed that he had gotten me pregnant (we almost always use condoms or he pulls out). I also had made comments to him about finishing in me if he wanted to because I was on birth control. He had told me immediately after I made the comment that he wasn’t comfortable and I told him that was fine it was completely up to him anyways. 3 weeks after we had this conversation he decided to finish in me and I panicked because I thought it was an accident. Also anytime we did have sex I would praise him and let him know that I am more than satisfied. We moved past all of this or so I thought and didn’t have anymore issues. That is until this past month and a half. He also brought up an incident that happened about 2-3 months ago, he accidentally cut the inside of me and I bled. I made sure to reassure him that accidents happen and that everything is okay. Once again I thought we moved on from this. I made a point that if these are the reasons he doesn’t want to have sex then why did he continue to have sex with me until recently. I didn’t receive an answer. I told him I want to work on our sex life and he just shrugged his shoulders and said he didn’t know when that would be. I then asked if he can at least start touching me so that I know he is still sexually attracted to me and once again i received a shrug from him. I left the conversation alone because I didn’t see it going anywhere. I love this man more than anything and I don’t want to lose this relationship. Any advice is appreciated I just want to feel okay again!
TL;DR; boyfriend refuses to have sex but masturbates and lies about it.

TLDR: am I the idiot for leaving a 9 year relationship after we both screwed up?

Am I The Idiot??? I need some honest advice… I, 36 year old female have been single for the past 6 years. I was in a relationship/engaged with a guy about 3 years younger than me for8.5-9 years. We had what SEEMED to be a great relationship however towards the end, I admitted to cheating on him & he in turn let me know he had never been faithful during our entire 9 year relationship.

After cooler heads prevailed we decided to try to make the relationship work… we both had many long conversations about boundaries, what was too much, and WHY both of us cheated. We admitted fault & decided to work towards the future we both valued. Or so I thought… some boundaries he requested from me was to delete Twitter, delete & go no contact with the other guy. I totally respected this and was happy to oblige. I explicitly asked him not to continue entertaining women- don’t like photos of the women you cheated on me with… don’t communicate with them etc. On top of that- I found out I was pregnant. (Very exciting to me!)

As time progressed, I was feeling uneasy about him in my gut & I checked out a girls profile that he admittedly cheated with. I saw a recent photo or two & him liking them. It really hurt my heart bc it felt like he wasn’t taking our agreement seriously. Around this time I miscarried. We had deeper conversations & I tried to stay again and we got pregnant… and I was seeing the same mess. Multiple instances of stepping on boundaries we both agreed to surrounding communication with other people. At this point I felt my only option was to leave bc he didn’t respect me or our relationship.

He begged me to stay but I felt if I did, I would repeat patterns that weren’t comfortable. Yes, I cheated once, but I don’t want that to define the relationship God has for me. I knew honesty & realness were the only way to truly grow from the pain & hurt I caused in the situation as well.

3 years later… we reconnected- he invited me to his home out of state. We had an okay time… I still wasn’t fully convinced he was ready for a relationship again or that he had really learned… so I left and went back to where I live… I kept to myself- about a month after I returned home.. he called me about some girl that stalked my page & was mad at him. While I respected the honesty… it was still a level of drama I don’t enjoy at all. So I didn’t take the bait. I kept to myself. During the summer- he wanted to hang out while he was in town… I agreed & we had a nice night together. I thought to myself- MAYBE this will work? Maybe? Idk… my heart & head were pounding & colliding… but about a week later… I found out I had been given genital herpes… I was absolutely devastated. I thought this person was safe for me… but another costly mistake :(…

When I found out about the diagnosis… I called him & calmly explained what I was told. He took a week to go get tested… he never shared his results with me until i asked. What he did share had no dates & so my heart is like “hmmmm i wonder” but I had no proof so I tried to calm down and breathe. I thought maybe it’s part of my punishment anyway :(…. So we slept together once more & then never again… things didn’t feel right or seem right. It always felt like he wasn’t fully focused on me- or court me or truly build with me. It always felt like there was another girl looming in the not too far distance.

We go our separate ways- painfully but after about 8 months of no contact… I get a phone call from his mom & she tells me that he has a baby on the way & my chest caved in. Not truly jealously of her but pain bc of the 2 children I miscarried and lost. His mom tells me that she doesn’t know much of anything about the child’s mom.. but I am now 36, no kids- no husband & sometimes it feels like I failed or like I’ll never have something beautiful. It can feel like people move on & have the life you always dreamed of and it seriously just hurts.

I believe he deserves good things, joy, and happiness… but whew- the was a blow that was a pain I didn’t realize would hit me. So 2nd guess myself… was I dumb? Tok harsh? Too critical of the changes he made?

For me it felt like God was telling me that my womb had been through enough with him. I reflect on the pain- I reflect on how God wants His unions… I genuinely pray deeply to have a beautiful marriage & I know it starts with the right man. The thing that hurts the most is how close I am to his family. They are like family to me and still include me in everything but nobody speaks deeply about him or the baby around me. They never invite me when he comes into town now (thankfully) but I believe they know how it feels for me in my heart. So I appreciate them.

If you read this whole long sob story- thank you! I would to know… Am I the idiot for leaving & not staying… even if it potentially cost me a family. :(

When he came to me with it he didn't tell me it was his ex, he just said "my friend" and I was supportive of it. He said maybe yeah he'll do it then I asked which friend it was he said it was his ex. They're not even friends? This happened 2 weeks ago but I feel I should've been more upset about it. I didn't really react I just told him that I wasn't comfortable with him doing that. Would it be weird to bring it up to him again? He told me that he told her no he won't do it but why was he even considering it?

tl;dr my boyfriend was considering doing a couple cosplay with his ex for Halloween

Hey all. I've been running very low on mental battery lately. For the past few weeks I've felt my relationship dwindle out. I feel like me and her have nothing in common anymore. I still have this feeling in my chest that i still love her though and can't leave everything behind.

Yesterday, I told her I don't know if this is going to work anymore and I don't know how much longer this will last. She seemed very passive aggressive at first, then minutes later she absolutely lost it at me. She started saying how she hates all men and how I "ruined her" and how I'm and psychopath. She said to not contact her again. So I respected her wishes.

Minutes later she started blowing up my phone screaming at me calling me names. Then it turned into her threatening to shave her head and carve my initials into her scalp if I didn't stay with her. She was threatening her s**de and her emotions constantly fluxuated. She kept asking if I still loved her forever and I didn't know what to say. The way she was acting was a way I never saw her before. It was scary.

Eventually I caved in and were still together. She's been a huge downer today and I don't know what I can do anymore.

tl;dr: I think my girlfriend is manipulating me into staying with her and I don't know how to leave her after trying time and time again.

Me (24F) and my boyfriend (27M) have been dating for about a year. His best friend, James (27M), has recently started dating Amy (23F).

James and my boyfriend have been best friends for years. In the time I’ve known James, he’s gone out with various women. We usually go camping or do different activities together, and almost every time he joins, he invites a different girl (they’re lowkey always cool and wonderful). However, for the past two months, he’s been getting serious about one particular girl, Amy.

My boyfriend and I recently went to visit James and a couple of other friends in their hometown, and we decided to go bar hopping. Everything was fine leading up to the evening, and I wasn’t worried about anything.

There were seven of us in total, and James called an Uber XL, which is technically only meant to fit six people. However, the driver let all of us fit. James sat in the front seat, two friends sat in the middle row, and the remaining four of us squeezed into the back. James’s sister sat on the right, Amy sat in the middle, my boyfriend sat on the left, and I sat on my boyfriend’s lap.

The ride was going fine until I noticed that Amy kept trying to make jokes with my boyfriend and would touch his elbow to get his attention. I noticed it immediately, but I didn’t want to assume anything or read too much into it. She continued doing it until we got to the bars.

We hopped around all night and had a good time, so I didn’t think too much about what had happened in the Uber.

After we decided we were done for the night, James called another Uber. We all squeezed in in the same order as before, but this time we weren’t so lucky with the driver, who said he could only take six people. James decided he would just call another Uber and let the rest of us go in the first one. He asked if anyone wanted to stay with him, and one of his friends did, leaving an open seat in the middle row.

Nobody moved to the available seat, so we stayed squeezed into the back. I was on my boyfriend’s lap, and Amy was sitting right next to him.

She then started trying to get his attention and joking with him again. She would try to make eye contact only with him and wouldn’t even look at me, even though I was practically right in front of her.
I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I just never thought someone would do that. I didn’t react because I didn’t want to make a scene, and I thought maybe it was just the alcohol lingering. The next day, on the way back home, I asked my boyfriend if he saw what I saw, and he completely agreed that she was flirting.

We decided to blame it on the alcohol and not make it a huge deal since he didn’t feed into it. Instead, he would shift his focus to me anytime she tried anything. We also decided not to tell James because it could have been a misunderstanding, and we didn’t want to ruin a good thing he had going.

Well, now James is going to visit our hometown and has decided to invite Amy. They will be staying at our apartment. This would only slightly bother me, but they decided to come the weekend I’ll be out of town.
The plan is for them to stay at our apartment for two nights and then meet up with some friends to go camping for a few days.

Am I crazy for feeling uncomfortable or wanting my boyfriend to cancel? I told my boyfriend that it’s fine if they stay, but I just don’t want her in our room. I don’t know, it’s just a very safe space for me. I also don’t want to sound like an insecure girlfriend and tell him he can’t go because I want him to have fun. I guess I just wish I wasn’t in this situation.

I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say maybe I misinterpreted things, or maybe she genuinely wants something serious with James.

TL;DR: My boyfriend’s best friend, James (27M), has been dating Amy (23F) for about two months. During a recent night out, Amy repeatedly flirted with my boyfriend (27M), including touching his arm and trying to get his attention and make eye contact with only him, even though I was sitting right next to him. My boyfriend also noticed and agreed that she was flirting, but he didn’t reciprocate. We decided not to tell James because we thought it could have been a misunderstanding. Now James and Amy are planning to stay at our apartment for two nights while I’m out of town, and I’m feeling uncomfortable about the whole situation. Am I being unreasonable for feeling uncomfortable or wanting my boyfriend to cancel the trip?

I am in a super long distance relationship with a guy in Australia I literally just came home from visiting today (I am in the US) for the first time. We are gay, and today I learned that he is going on a pre-booked cruise (before we met) with another gay man (he says a friend) and staying in the same room. He is not understanding that I am very uncomfortable with this and says there is nothing he can do about it. He thinks I should just trust him, but it’s not even just him who I’m worried about. And there may be alcohol or clubbing involved.

Tl;DR my boyfriend is going with a one-on-one cruise with somebody else and I’m feeling extremely uneasy

I want to preface this by saying that we had a fight because of my behavior before I started noticing these changes.

My BF (22M) and I (20F) have been officially dating for four months and including being in a commitment for 10 months.

I struggle with anxious attachment, but it’s not like I completely lose control or anything. Thankfully, I’m self aware enough that whenever he points out my tendencies, I usually stop and try not to let myself spiral further. My anxiety mostly shows up as overthinking, asking for reassurance, or asking him if he’s bored of me or losing feelings.

About 2 months ago was probably my lowest point with it, but I genuinely turned things around. I worked on myself, found ways to self-soothe, and things had honestly been going really well.
Then about a week and a half ago, I started feeling emotionally overwhelmed again (I think my hormones and period probably played a part too) It started with me bringing up a few things I wished he’d improve communication-wise. Nothing huge really, things like wishing me a ‘good morning’ or asking how my day was. Those little affirmations make me feel loved, so of course I communicated that to him

At first it was fine, but then I let my anxiety take over again. I started asking if he was bored of me and seeking reassurance more than I should have. He ended up telling me my behavior was showing signs of being “toxic.”
He knows I was cheated on before, which is a big part of why I developed anxious attachment in the first place, so I guess I was hoping he’d have a little more understanding.

I wasn’t mad at him for saying it. I honestly just felt really embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I hated that I’d slipped back into those habits after making so much progress. It wasn’t even a full week before I wake myself up from that anxiety spiral.

The day after the fight, I told him that I really am trying and that this was just a relapse, not a reflection of who I am (Because it genuinely isn’t) Before this, I had been doing amazing. But he told me he was too tired to talk about it, even over text. To be fair, he’s been back in his hometown for summer break and has had the flu for weeks, so I know he’s probably exhausted and more irritable than usual.

Normally when we fight, no matter how big it is, we always talk things through. We usually make up by the next day and go back to talking normally.
This time it’s been five or six days, and something just feels different. I know I have a tendency to overanalyze, so I’ve been trying really hard not to jump to conclusions and look at it more calmly. I’m only judging based on how he’s been texting and how he acts on calls, but he’s definitely been more distant. He used to baby me a lot, call me “baby” or my nickname, ask how my day was, or ask what I was up to. He hasn’t really been doing any of that lately.

The shift feels obvious enough that it’s making me really sad. I know I messed up. I’m not denying that. But I’m also human. My anxiety got the better of me for a few days. It’s something he knows I’m actively working on. What hurts is that it feels like I’ve committed the worst mistake imaginable, and now I’m being treated differently because of it.

I don’t mean to compare, but we’ve had much bigger fights before. One time he accused me of cheating, and it turned into a fivehour phone call that lasted until morning. That genuinely hurt me, but I never pulled away from him or stopped being affectionate afterward.

I haven’t brought any of this up because I feel like he deserves space if that’s what he needs. At the same time, this uncertainty is eating at me. I feel like I’m constantly trying to guess what’s going on in his head instead of actually knowing where we stand.

What do I even do?

TL;DR: we’ve been together for 4 months. i (20f) briefly relapsed into anxious reassurance-seeking after making a lot of progress. my boyfriend (20m) called my behavior “toxic,” i reflected, apologized, and have been actively self-soothing since. it’s been almost a week, and he’s noticeably more distant and less affectionate than usual. i understand he may need space, but even when he’s made mistakes that genuinely hurt me, i’ve never withdrawn from him like this.

Straight couple, 'F30' 'M32', 1 year relationship.

My boyfriend had this online friend for around six years, he liked her for over a year and a half (ig comments on her pics etc) about two years ago. He never met her, they never had anything, she lives in another continent most of the time.

He treats me like a princess, he never ever gave me any reason to doubt him, this isn't about that.

However, they text sometimes and it bothers me so much. I don't know why, but it really does bother me. Would I be a toxic GF if I ask him to end his friendship with her?

TL;DR: how toxic is it to ask him to cut contact with a online friend/former crush?

My girlfriend 27F is going on a trip and decided to hide her Facebook friends list a few weeks before, make it so she’s not discoverable, and also make her Instagram private. This was right after talking about boundaries. She said it was for work and then deleted the Facebook app but is still active on messenger throughout the day? When I asked about it all she immediately flipped out on me. I had also seen she was friends with someone that was affected my trust in the past which she deleted when I mentioned it. Should I be worried ?

**TL;DR;** :
Should I be worried ?

Me (21F) and my bf (22M) have been dating for more than 7 years and have been together since we were 14 ig. We have gone through a lot of stuff together like really hard times and had noone but us. We were very exclusive since forever. We never really had any friends of opp gender not even actual friends for that matter. It has always been us. I am struggling with schizophrenia and bipolar recently since a year and a half. And shit has gone down very fast. No family support, no friends, nothing. Family keeps labelling me as a liability and have lost all the friends along the way. He is the only person who has ever supported me, stood by me and we have been together since kids. So i hardly remember anything about when we were not together. We had our entire future planned since we were kids and i dont think there has ever been a day since the last seven years where we havent talked. We didnt really have sex ever as weird as it sounds because it was too painful for me and we thought we had all the time in the world so why hurry? He never insisted if i felt slightly uncomfortable let alone force me. He used to travel miles in a bicycle to just see me for a while. Still does. Takes a crowded bus and travels three miles everyday. We go to so many places together and all of our mutuals know about us since forever.

Cut to two days ago, i was scrolling on his phone and i see he’s been watching porn. And you would be amazed at how well a person lies. And then gradually i just discover he is watching ai slop scam apps where you can fool people into believing they are watching real girls on video calls but its just ai. And obviously he knows its AI. He has never TALKED to an actual girl tho (it doesnt make anything better) And then turns out he has paid the last of his money (money’s been so tight for him recently) on a scam trying to call a pimp of some sort from an website to send a hooker (anonymous obv he doesnt know who they gonna send) over to his house for an hour and ofcourse, they block him after getting some money and tell him since he hadnt paid the full amount he wont be getting shi and no girl ever arrives.

I still dont know how to react to it. And just figured out i would try to do something to manage on my own and separate ways. But he is begging for forgiveness, howling and crying (i have never seen him cry like this in my entire relationship. he has only ever cried thrice and never this horribly), saying he got carried away since he had to stay alone whole night didnt know what to do and one thing led to another and he just wanted to “feel” how it felt and decided immediately after being scammed that it was the end. He is everywhere i go begging me to take him back, writing me letters and what not. He says he needs just one chance and he would be a better person. He was threatening to kha and i alerted his parents to take care of him. And yesterday, to khs and got admitted to the hospital in a dangerous condition. He is not really struggling with life and is now in a better state. But he keeps saying he will d\*e once they let him go from the ward. He keeps abusing himself, screaming all day all night, and just keeps repeating that he deserves to d\*e.

In my defense, i really think if i was him he wouldn’t breakup with me. Because i am struggling with a lot of issues and probably this is the only reason he wants to be with me right now as well because i am overly dependent and will hurt myself or do something wrong. But right now, the only person who keeps hurting himself is him.

I really dont know what to do. He has done everything for me, everything. One part of my brain wants me to take him back. We are still young, it is a mistake. But another part of my brain is broken. I havent touched food since that day, havent showered at all and every time i see him i cry and so does he. I dont think out relationship can ever be normal again. Please help me out guys.

TL;DR Caught my long term boyfriend cheating but he is trying to harm himself. What should i do?