I mostly need to vent, but I’m also open to honest feedback from stepparents or anyone who has dealt with a high-conflict custody situation.
My girlfriend has two teenagers. They currently live primarily with their father and are with us for parts of the summer and during school breaks. There is still an active custody battle, their father is extremely high conflict, and there have been serious issues in the past that I won’t detail while the case is ongoing.
For context, their mother did not lose custody because she was neglectful or a bad parent. Their father had been largely absent, and she later moved because of military obligations. He had agreed to the move, but it was handled informally rather than properly incorporated into the parenting plan or approved by the court. Once that became an issue, legal technicalities resulted in the children being returned. She was badly represented during that process and understandably has very little trust in lawyers now, so she is currently handling the case without one.
The problem is that I am practically managing the entire custody case. I am the one researching, organizing evidence, tracking deadlines, drafting messages, thinking ahead, and trying to prevent small issues from becoming major ones. She is not proactive. Time passes, deadlines get close, and things that could have been addressed early are allowed to snowball until they become urgent.
The same basic dynamic exists with the kids.
My girlfriend and I generally agree on our values, morals, expectations, and the kind of adults we want them to become. When we talk privately, we usually agree about responsibility, independence, respect, electronics, time management, and following through.
But when an actual situation happens, her actions often do not match what we agreed on. She gives reminders but rarely enforces anything. She steps in, fixes things, makes exceptions, or undercuts what I am trying to teach. Then I become the only person correcting behavior, holding boundaries, or expecting follow-through.
These are mostly normal teenage issues. I understand teenagers procrastinate, push back, forget things, and sometimes need repeated guidance. My problem is not that they are imperfect. It is that almost every issue gets rescued or ignored before they have to learn from it.
I know that I should probably step back and let their mother handle things. The problem is that when I do, the issues usually grow until they affect the entire house and our relationship. By the time I finally say something, I am already so frustrated that I can barely stand being in the same room.
That is not how I want to feel toward them.
I also feel like I receive almost no recognition or appreciation for what I contribute. I spend a tremendous amount of time and emotional energy trying to help with the custody case, support my girlfriend, maintain our household, and help prepare the kids for adulthood. Yet I often feel more like unpaid management than a partner or member of the family.
The hardest part to admit is that I feel very little connection with the kids most of the time. I care about them and their future, but I often feel like an outsider who is expected to carry parental responsibilities without having meaningful support or authority. Sometimes I genuinely feel like I care more about the kids’ development and the outcome of the custody situation than their mother does.
I know that may not be completely fair. She has trauma and guilt surrounding the custody loss, and I am sure some of her avoidance comes from fear, exhaustion, and everything she has already been through. But understanding why it happens does not make it easier to live with.
I enjoy the life my girlfriend and I have together, but this dynamic is becoming overwhelming. I feel like I am constantly managing the children, the custody case, the household, and sometimes her too. I am becoming resentful, underappreciated, and increasingly disconnected from what is supposed to be my family.
I am currently in therapy. She is not.
At what point does stepping up become overfunctioning for everyone else? How do I step back when I know the problems will likely get worse and eventually affect me anyway? Is it possible to be a real parental figure when the biological parent agrees with you in conversation but repeatedly does the opposite in practice?
I don’t want to abandon them or stop caring. I also don’t think I can continue carrying this much responsibility while feeling like I have so little voice, support, connection, or appreciation.