I had a situation with my SK (15) over the weekend. It was my birthday. When it's a family member's birthday, that person chooses the activities they would like to do to celebrate. Everyone else participates happily to help the birthday person feel celebrated. SK is included in this. For my birthday, I specifically chose an activity I knew would appeal to SK because he can be difficult when the activity is not his preference. Historically, SK himself has chosen this same activity for his birthday.

Prior to and during the activity, SK began what I consider to be passive-aggressive tantrums. The behavior includes pretending not to hear when he is spoken to, pretending to be asleep when he is not, responding to genuine questions or requests sarcastically and/or with an argument, etc. Then there's the open, frequent, and loud complaining about "having to" participate. In essence, SK can really bring down a celebration when he would prefer not to be there. My husband expressed some annoyance with SK about the behavior, but he did not address it specifically or directly with expectations for improvement.

During one part of the activity, SK needed to make a specific choice about something in order to participate further. He was sitting there pretending to be asleep, holding everyone else up. Like, he was acting as if he had dozed off and his head was dropping forward. My husband tried to get SK’s attention twice, and SK ignored him. My husband asked a third time, and SK pretended like he hadn't heard and that he was startled awake. It was clearly fake and ridiculous.

I had enough of it at that point. I told SK to step away from the group with me for a minute. I took him to a separate area, and I reminded him that it was my birthday and that was why we were doing this activity. I reminded him that when it is his birthday, we all -- me included -- do whatever he chooses, and we participate fully. I then reminded him that I had spent the entire previous day doing an activity he had chosen, and I did it happily. I told him that I expected the same from him. That's what is fair. He replied with, "I'm trying." And I said, "Try more." Then I told him to go back to where the group. When we returned, my husband asked me if everything was okay. I said, "It will be now."

A little while later, I told my husband about the exchange with SK. I told him I would understand if he believed I overstepped or if I needed to do anything with SK to correct what I'd said. My husband said he thought I'd handled it well. He said SK’s behavior was poor, and he was glad I addressed it.

Later, SK continued to pout, and he separated himself from the rest of the group. I decided that as long as he wasn't creating problems for everyone else, he could sit over there on his own. I didn't address that. My husband, however, became very concerned that SK was sad or whatever, and that became the excuse to end the activity. SK got what he wanted, right? So frustrating. SK hasn't spoken to me for three days now.

So, do you think I overstepped my bounds by addressing SK the way I did? This is difficult for me because I never had these behavioral issues with my son (25). It has always just been expected and accepted that we behave positively on someone else's birthday to help them have a good day.

I’ve been with BD for four years so I’ve known SS (7) for more than half of his life at this point.
He is starting therapy soon for a few different things (but also therapy is great! And he’s a child of divorce so I’m just pro him having someone to talk to with no ‘skin’ in the game.)
One of those things is a sudden separation anxiety where if his father gets up to do anything from going to the bathroom to walking around the corner to toss trash - SS starts FREAKING out ‘where’s my dad!’ And can’t be calmed until his dad is literally back directly next to him. While he’s always been super entitled to his dad and doesn’t seem to view him as a person who has to do anything other than tend to him; I have started getting particularly grossed out by the bodily entitlement. He climbs all over his father like a jungle gym but also just pokes, prods, pets, shoves his hands inside his shirts, up his pant legs, and will say stuff that makes it so much creepier like ‘mmm that feels nice’ (not sexually but still it makes it soooo much creepier!)
My problem is; while I know therapy is imminent it’s not going to suddenly change how this kid views his father in five to ten business days - but in the interim I am super struggling to find my partner intimately attractive because I can only see his body as his kid’s toy….does that make sense? Does anyone else have the same issue or have gotten through it?

I (49f) have a stepchild (20f) who has been living with me and her bio dad(49m) for the past 3 years. Relationship with sd was good up until she graduated from her college program. She was extremely rude to me at her graduation dinner (which her bio mom was attending) despite her father and I paying for her entire tuition. She thanked everyone for their support in a Facebook post and omitted her father’s support.

She’s not openly rude but disregards everyone including grandparents. Doesn’t seem grateful for gifts or help out much around the house.

Last year, I told my husband that it was time for her to transition into her own living situation. She has been working full time since last year. Has a car (we gifted her) and pays her own expenses (gas, cellphone, clothes, etc). The year is up now and I reminded my husband it was time to revisit her moving out. He asked me if I expected him to drop her off at a women’s shelter.

I’m ready to move out on my own. I didn’t create this problem and I am not her parent.

Am I being stupid for wanting to separate over this situation?

I (36M) and my partner (47F) have been married for 4 years, and together for 10 years. We have two children together (17M and 14F). Both of our children are my partner’s bio children, but I love them like they are my own. I came into their lives when they were young, and over the years, we have built wonderful relationships together. I have had the privilege to watch them grow, make core memories, cheer them on in times of celebration, be an ear or shoulder when times were difficult, and everything in between. My partner and I have always checked in with them on how they are feeling. Blended families can be hard, with a lot of feelings from everyone. They have been in therapy since their bio parents’ divorce, and continue to see a therapist today. Both do so well academically and socially. We are so proud of them.

I always made sure to check in with how they’re feeling, especially in the beginning. I’m the new person, and I want to make sure they’re comfortable. I would ask them how they would like to be introduced, how I should introduce myself. I always refer to them as my kids. Never step kids. And they have both expressed preferring this, as they both say that they consider me their real dad. Over time, my youngest started calling me Dad. Which was such an amazing feeling. I never realized how much I wanted that until it happened. My oldest still calls me by my first name, and I am perfectly okay with that. I want them to call me what they are comfortable with.

The relationship with their bio dad completely deteriorated due to how he and his then girlfriend treated the kids. There is a lot of emotional abuse, manipulation, and neglect. It’s gotten to the point where they refuse to talk to him, and refer to him by his first name, even to his face. They haven’t spoken to him in years. My partner and I make ourselves available for them to talk to us about how they’re feeling. Sometimes they will share, and when we do, we listen and offer the support that they want and need. Advice, just someone to listen, someone to sit in the feelings with them, however they need us to be.

A few months ago, she had a big blow out with her bio dad over the phone. They hadn’t seen each other in years. They used to go to family counseling with their bio parents, the relationships with the bio dad got worse. He reached out over the phone to talk with her about seeing her. It went south very quickly. She said that she was fine and blocked him. She vented about how she feels about him to all of us, and that she doesn’t want to speak to him again. There was a lot of regret on her end for taking his call.

A week later, my youngest said to me “I feel differently. I feel like you’re just someone who lives in the house. I don’t feel like you’re a dad to me. You’re just a guy who lives here. I don’t really know how else to say it.” I was crushed, and confused. I didn’t understand what I said or did. She couldn’t point to a specific incident, just a feeling. I started crying. I probably shouldn’t have. I try not to do that in front of them, but I was caught completely off guard. I asked her how I can love her better or what she needs from me, and that I was really scared because I didn’t know what to do. For the first time, I was afraid of what to say and how to act.

My partner talked with her, the three of us talked together, then the four of us. She later said that she was confused about how she was feeling about me because of the fight with her bio dad. She said that she wished she could put my personality into his body and then she would have the best dad. Looking back, I think she meant that she wished he was different, but at the time, it hurt a little bit. It was a reminder that even though I might be a good dad, I’m still not bio dad. Something that always made me feel self conscious. Being a step dad, I know that I don’t have the same understanding as a bio parent. I will never know that feeling, but my love for them is real, and fierce, and I would do anything for them. But hearing this made me wonder if there was something that was eating at our parent child relationship, because of the relationship with her bio dad went completely south.

She never stopped calling me dad. She still refers to her bio dad by his first name. I know I should probably see that as a strong indication that things are okay, otherwise she wouldn’t call me that. But our relationship still feels off. She doesn’t look at me, she barely talks to me. She has been isolating more. She stills talks and laughs with her brother and mom, but with me, I feel like a black sheep. I have tried talking with her, but she says everything is fine. I have tried asking if she wants to spend time together. Lately, she has been saying no more often.

I know that developmentally, teenagers are more independent and want to spend less time with their parents. I get that. I did the same thing when I was her age. My partner says it’s normal,but I think I’m still scared about the conversation a few months ago. It really rattled me. My mind races thinking that she still doesn’t see me as a parent or trusted adult. I notice that I get really sad when interactions don’t feel warm. It’s not her fault. And I don’t expect her to manage my emotions. I just wish that we could talk about it. She says she doesn’t want to, and I don’t want to force her. I just wish that there was something that I could do to make it better. It’s hard to trust that the words are enough when the body language feels so different. She will always be my daughter, even if she says she hates me or wants to stop calling me dad. I just feel so helpless. It feels like I’m waiting for bad news that hasn’t arrived yet.

Am I over thinking this? Maybe I am taking normal teenage behaviors too personally. Or maybe not? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. I’m sorry for such a long post.

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and haven't met his kids. We're moving deliberately slowly.

He brought me up to his ex (the kids' mom). She asked many questions and made a few statements, some very reasonable, some invasive. She asked if I have experience with kids and other questions that I think are reasonable because they relate to the kids.

She also asked personal questions about my desire to have kids, my race, my age, and other topics that my boyfriend wouldn't answer. Some of the questions sounded accusatory to me, as though she's already on the offense as a preemptive defence. She said, "Don't introduce the kids unless you're getting married". She then made it a requirement to meet me before he can introduce me to the kids. This isn't in their separation agreement and it's also very different from how she moved in her affair partner and now fiancé.

When my boyfriend said he didn't want her to meet me first, she said, "I won't be a cu*t to her". That language set a hostile tone, to my ears. If she had approached this as wanting everyone to feel comfortable, wanting me to feel welcome, and explaining the reasons why she would feel more comfortable meeting me, the atmosphere would have been very different and I would have felt fine meeting her.

Instead, her invasive questions sound like a screening and vetting process, which implies veto power over my relationship. None of her questions sound like someone who wants to create amicable relationships with the adults involved. They sound like someone wanting unilateral control.

I understand a mother wanting to make sure her kids are comfortable and safe. Her questions extended beyond that. She also dictated the type of relationship she thinks my boyfriend and I should have. I don't feel comfortable with her saying anything about us being married. That's overstepping into my personal life.

So, my question is: how often do you interact with your partner's ex? If we're setting off on the wrong foot, is it realistic for me to want very few interactions with his ex? Maybe special events, like graduation ceremonies and performances. I'm very uncomfortable around hostility and I avoid controlling people, so I would honestly prefer never to interact with her.

My story - 50 yrs old. Met a lady that had kids that were 18 mth old son and 7 yr old daughter.

We had kids 50% time with father.

Everything went well with kids, raised them good, went to games, took them on trips, did the typical family thing. Once both kids were old enough to have a car I noticed a trend. They would spend more time with the fathers family. As time went on it gets worse. My daughter has been doing this for about 10 yrs and my son about 5 yrs. The daughter has spent 1 night in the past 5 yrs with us and the son may stay with us 2 times a year. They are at their dads house many weekends of the year. While I am at a point of not caring about it anymore as they made their choices. My wife also accepts it too. I think deep down it hurts her but she is a strong lady.

Its frustrating. Recently we went out to have dinner for an hour with our son and he only really spoke about his other family the whole time. He spent 6 days at their house and came to see us for an hour. This has gone on now for years. My wife and I think of selling and downsizing our house or going south for the winters. Part of our conversation will include the fact that the kids don't come to see us or want to spend any quality time with us so why do we need to live close to them. I don't see this changing. As one is 21 and the other is 27 and its went on for years.

Anyhow, any advice or similar stories to share?

do yall ever regret marrying someone with more than one kid? or even 1 kid? i feel ashamed admitting this but sometimes i feel like i settled because i never imagined i would end up with someone with 2 kids, i do have a daughter and i would have preferred someone with no more than 1 kid. english is my third language so i apologize in advance just wanted to vent because at first it didn’t bother me but after almost 1 year married to him sometimes i wonder if i would have just waited to meet someone different i do love my husband but idk 😪

As the title says me and my wife had a beautiful daughter together and she just turned 2. My wife has a son who's 11 and lives with us, he sees his bio Dad roughly every other weekend. We have been together for over 6 years, living together for 4.

It feels like my problem is that I am so much more in love with my own daughter then I have ever been when compared with my step son. I feel like I've tried to be close with him, but it feels my relationship with him is not nearly as affectionate. It becomes much more apparent when it's just the three of us for the day, but obviously the expectations are a bit different between a 2 year old and an 11 year old.

But I never felt like I've seen any of myself in that boy or felt him where he is at. He's never been easy: has emotional-disconnection issues(from past emotional abuse by his bio Dad), possibly autistic, has had issues in school where he claimed or said insane things, and can really be rude or unpleasant to be around sometimes. All of these things make me nervous about his future, while on the other hand I see nothing but success and happiness for my daughter.

I would love for him to get evaluated by a therapist or even a psychologist, his Mom needs help too. But neither of those things are my call to make unfortunately.

I suppose my question to this community is, has anybody else felt the same when they compare their bio kids to their step kids? Any advice or stories are welcomed.

Thanks

How do you handle keeping clothes straight between each house, if at all?

This is a slightly hot button issue in our situation as the kids’ mom is a real down to earth tomboy, but my stepdaughter is very girly (and so am I.) Her mom thinks this is a bit of a moral failing and exclusively dresses her in secondhand clothes/tells her she shouldn’t care about clothes beyond function.

So I buy her nice clothes that she likes, but if these go back to her mom’s house they “go missing” or get ruined (cue a lecture on “this is why you don’t buy kids good stuff, because they just ruin it when they play”…but this never happens at our house because, you know, I make sure she’s wearing clothes appropriate for the activity.)

I’ve recently taken to washing the clothes they arrive in and sending them home in those clothes so we keep the stuff we buy and vice versa, but I’ve had feedback that this is “insulting” and “like I don’t trust [their mom]”. So now I’m at a bit of a loss. What does “normal” look like for other people here?

ETA there was a deleted comment suggesting I was being “judgy” that her mom doesn’t buy nice clothes. I typed out a response before the comment got deleted so might as well use it; I’m not judgemental of her approach, and I apologise if it comes off that way.

I do however resent being forcibly held to that same approach, to the detriment of a little girl (who is upset when she can’t find her “nice things” because she wants to feel pretty), not to mention the complete waste of money it represents (which is ironic, given that that is exactly what she says she is trying to take a stance against.)

In general I get along with her very well, and think she’s a great mom, but on this particular topic she is trying to prove a point and I feel that it’s gone too far.

​

I (23F) have been with DH (27M) for three years. SS7 has known me for almost half his life. BM has been with her partner for around six years. Let's call him MegaMind. Not because he's evil... just because if you've seen the movie, you'll understand immediately.

Sometimes I honestly feel like DH and I are the only adults asking ourselves one simple question:

"What does SS actually want?"

His birthday is coming up, and his request isn't exactly world peace.

He just wants to have lunch and dinner with everyone together: BM, MegaMind, DH, me, and his baby sister.

Would that be my ideal Saturday?

Absolutely not.

Would it probably be awkward?

Also yes.

Mostly because BM somehow manages to turn every interaction into a sequel nobody asked for.

She makes jokes about DH being useless, tries to start arguments, brings up topics that have nothing to do with SS, and regularly crosses the very boundaries she expects everyone else to respect.

DH, on the other hand, keeps every conversation focused on parenting. If it isn't about SS, he usually doesn't engage.

Now here's where the plot somehow gets even weirder.

Apparently Ursula (MegaMind's aunt) has decided that BM shouldn't celebrate anything with DH because, according to her,

"A mother who truly loves her child doesn't send him to his father."

...Excuse me?

Not only is that an incredibly cruel thing to say, but she's neither SS's parent nor his legal guardian.

So now I'm wondering...

Since when is MegaMind's aunt on the parenting committee?

Apparently the real mastermind behind this whole operation isn't even MegaMind.

It's Ursula.

She somehow has very strong opinions about how two parents should co-parent a child that isn't hers.

To make things even stranger, nobody seems interested in what SS actually wants.

He's told his parents multiple times that he doesn't even like celebrating his birthday at school. He finds it boring and doesn't enjoy all the attention.

BM still insists on doing it there every year because it's cheaper.

Then we accidentally discovered something else.

DH had been wondering why SS suddenly started talking about Geometry Dash again.

That game isn't allowed.

I jokingly asked him,

"So... where exactly are you playing Geometry Dash?"

Without even thinking about it, he happily answered,

"At Pinky's house!"

Who's Pinky?

Ursula.

Apparently she lets him use her tablet and play whatever he wants.

The ironic part is that BM often criticizes DH over screen time, even though he only allows educational games, Spanish-learning videos, and age-appropriate content.

Meanwhile another adult openly ignores the rules both parents agreed on...

...and somehow that's perfectly fine.

Honestly, what frustrates me the most isn't Ursula or even MegaMind.

It's that everyone seems to be making decisions based on what the adults want.

BM wants one thing.

MegaMind wants another.

Ursula apparently thinks she gets a vote.

Meanwhile, the only person nobody seems to be listening to is the seven-year-old whose birthday it actually is.

Sometimes I feel like all the adults are competing for Best Supporting Actor, while the birthday boy somehow became an extra in his own story.

Has anyone else dealt with family members or partners who seem more invested in their own feelings than in what the child actually wants?

We have been together for 8 years and have been married for nearly 4. 3 girls, ages 13, 15, 17. He is 41 and I am 38. We have them every other weekend and for a month in the summer (currently).

I’m tired of him treating me like he is the director and I am the manager in this marriage. I flag things to him about my SDs, and he gets frustrated that he has to address it with them himself (because it’s my issue, not his) instead of me just taking care of it for him. I explained that it’s his biological kids, and that it’s his job to parent them. He gets defensive and frustrated, especially when he feels he’s already handled it. If I try to handle it minimally, he complains that I’m not doing it right and tries to “teach me” or get me to “learn” how to do things. I point out that he would get upset with me if I handled things my way instead of considering his feelings on the matter, and I also tell him I’m frustrated that we can’t communicate without him getting this way, but we just end up in a big disagreement and I’m always the one in the wrong.

I really feel like my marriage is disintegrating. I don’t know that we will make it. I love him, but I’m terribly unhappy when it comes to his kids.

I’m in such a strange head space which I never thought I’d be in! A few years ago if you’d have asked me if I want a baby I’d have said yes immediately and for a long time it was all I wanted. However fast forward a few years I’m so on the fence even leaning more towards no.

For context my relationship with SS 12 has been strained over the past few years due to HCBM. We went from 50/50 custody to every other weekend. I had to take a step back for my own sanity and now we are really quite distant.

I now find myself dreading that weekend I hate my routine being altered. I hate not having my morning coffee in peace. I hate sitting on the living room and sharing my sofa. I hate all my food being eaten in one sitting. I hate feeling like I have to watch what I say or do. I think I just feel like my house isn’t my own home for a weekend. Now SS really isn’t a bad kid at all I just hate sharing my space all of a sudden.

Is it like this with your own? Does this mean I’m too selfish for my own child and I would have my time/routine being my own… serious confusion.

Did anyone else feel this way?

Rant? And asking for advice?

My partner had his child very young. They've coparented well but now the child lives with him full time. Being incredibly young he struggled a lot, but has really made something of himself. I was fine originally with not having my own, but those feelings have changed. I've spoken to him about it, and he just isn't sure he wants to go through it again. I'm trying to just let the relationship be and come back to it after a few months and see if he thinks any differently (was a discussion to really get a final answer of does he want this).

I am struggling. A lot. If he says no, it's really no skin off his back. He already had a child. He already has that family. I do not. I miss out on... Everything about it. And I want that. I am seeing a counsellor but we are yet to come up with coping mechanisms.

This might not be the right page but I'm struggling a lot. Has anyone been in a similar boat? How did you cope? What was the end outcome? If you were the one who changed your mind to a yes, what happened from there?

My husband’s daughter from his first marriage is 8 years old, and we have her for school breaks as her mother lives in a different state in the US. We’ve been trying to get residential custody but that is a separate issue. When she’s here, I’ve noticed issues such as pee/poop on the toilet seat, bad smells wherever she sits, unwillingness to bathe, and a complete lack of ability to clean up after herself.

Her bedroom is a complete disaster and I have her help me clean it every evening, but it goes back to the way it was by the next morning. I know some of this may be age-appropriate, but I was wondering just how much of this is normal. My husband has tried to speak to her mother about it, but they have a very contentious relationship and I often have to be the mediator as bio mom has a good relationship with me.

When I’ve visited my stepdaughter at her maternal grandmother’s house, I’ve noticed these same issues there among all the family members (multi-generational home). Him and I both have tried to teach her how to clean herself multiple times but it feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t really know how we should be handling this. Is there a way to teach her how to be clean that I’m not implementing?

Back in April SS 9M SA'd his younger cousin 5M. My SO and I have 2 kids together 2M and 11 months F. We have been together since SS was 2. Mine and SS relationship has never been great thanks to his mother and her family. But now I just don't want him around my kids at all. I love my SO and don't want to break our family up over this. But I don't know what else to do. I want to protect my kids and I don't know how else to protect them other than them having no contact with him. Obviously that isn't possible with the current situation. We have SS 2 nights once a fortnight. SS now sleeps in our room and is no longer around when our babies are showering. But I am still unsettled and on edge when he's here.

What do I do? Has anyone else been in this situation? Please help

Y’all, I’m struggling with navigating being a stepparent to a teenage boy lol

I’ve been in his life since he was 12, and he lives with his dad and me full-time. We all have a great relationship, and he’s such a wonderful, respectful kid, which I’m incredibly grateful for.

He’s 16 and has been dating his girlfriend for about a year. For the most part, she’s nice, but his dad and I constantly overhear them arguing on the phone. A few weeks ago, he even frantically called his dad while he was at his mom’s house because his girlfriend was threatening to break up with him. He was in complete panic and told his dad she was the only thing that made him happy.

They’re also on FaceTime from the moment they wake up until they go to bed, and it just feels unhealthy. I know I’m probably overreacting.

I know I was a teenager once too. I thought my high school boyfriend was my soulmate, and I was absolutely devastated when we broke up. But it feels like things are different now with how connected kids are through their phones 24/7.

I also struggle because I’m the stepmom, so sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t care this much or if it’s not really my place. His dad is pretty laid-back about most things, although he admits it bothers him too.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Am I overthinking this? I’m sure I am but it feels nice to type it out.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. Both he and I went through similar divorces in the couple of years prior to us getting together. He has 3 kids with his ex and I have 1 with mine. Both of our ex's are narcissists - like legitimately. I know that word gets thrown around a lot but they both truly are.
I'm a bit further out from my divorce and have put up stronger boundaries with my ex than my boyfriend has with his. But she is unbearable.

I get so angry with the way she treats my boyfriend and their children. She also constantly does anything she can to try and turn the kids against me (doesn't usually work) but it doesn't prevent her from trying. She's spread lies to mutual friends/acquaintances of my boyfriends and hers that he was cheating on her with me, all to cover up that she was actually cheating on him for years with his cousin. And yes her and his cousin are now openly together...they announced their relationship publicly a week after she moved out of my boyfriends home. I could literally write a novel about all of the shit she does/has done. But the main reason for my post is that, I need advice. I don't know how to not be so angry.
Lately she's been doing everything she can to prevent the kids from being involved with my family. I moved to be with my boyfriend which involved me moving over 12 hours away from my family. We have been back to visit and my family now has a trip planned to come visit us and she refuses to let us take the kids on trips or keep the kids extra days while they're here.
EVEN THOUGH she has taken the kids on trips with her new boyfriends family and constantly has kept the kids on what should have been their dad's days to do other family events.

Of course my boyfriend is planning on taking her back to court so I'm not looking for legal advice or anything. But how do you handle someone so awful and frustrating and not let it get to you?? I'm constantly angry or anxious when it comes to dealing with her and it's starting to take a toll on my mental health.

Help please!

Understandably, lots of posts here are about adjustment problems with stepchildren. May be it will help everyone to hear about stories of successful adjustments and positive outcomes and how did they happen.

Thus, if your teenager stepchild adjusted successfully with you, what were some steps, events, tactics, or circumstances that you think resulted in successful outcomes and hopefully loving relationships?

Is it typical BD behavior to keep trying to flirt with BM even after he is engaged? His Fiancée has no idea. I want to tell her but also, if he cheats on her then she can get that bag later on down the road when he is married.

I am the step parent and know that its happening. BM tells me about it everytime, and tells me that she denies any of his advances. Whats the most annoying part is he acts like he likes me as a friend. I just can't be fake so I don't talk much- when I know what he is up to.

I can't not be around him because of the child. Does it end after the child turns 18? Or is this going to be my life.

A predatory BD lurking around every corner.

This is not due to safety or anything relating to that.
Throwaway but a lot of you would know me on my main.

I have 3 SD’s (9, 11, 14) that live in another state. The younger 2 came out for a good chunk of the summer, the oldest couldn’t for reasons but hopefully can join us next year.

I have the perfect setup as a SM if I’m honest. My SO is an actual parent & is grateful if I so much as warm up a pizza for them, BM & I get along great & me and my SD’s each have a wonderful loving relationship. I’m personally childfree so being a part time SP is great. (Can’t wait for all of the bitter comments regarding how little we have them)

We see them for Christmas, at least one vacation a year, & we alternate one of their bdays to fly out for each year. This is the first summer in 2 years that BM finally let the leash go & allowed them out here (even though it’s in the court order but wtv).

She is a helicopter parent to the MAX. Especially with the youngest. She is terrified of flying & pretty much going anywhere outside the house. The kids never get to go do anything. When I say anything I mean it. They haven’t been trick or treating in 6+ years, had never seen fireworks in person until this year, haven’t been allowed to do sports or anything. They do one yearly beach trip & that’s about it. 90% of the time the kids are on some device, sitting at home. I genuinely believe she may have some form of agoraphobia or something. It’s either that or laziness at this point.

As I mentioned me and her get along well. Well enough that she trusts the kids with me & will come to me for parenting advice or venting. I was the one that talked to her about bringing them out here finally so I could enroll them in summer camp & other activities. They REALLY want to be involved in sports & I’ve offered BM to cover ALL related costs (including gas) but she will not take them. I was a sports kid & I believe it’s important to foster a healthy relationship with physical activity young. The only thing I can’t do is physically take them.

Long story short, in the last month 1/2 they have done more here than they have in over a year at BM’s. They have had a BLAST. They have been so adventurous, engaged, & appreciative. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been thanked by these girls. “Thank you for taking me with you to the store”, “thank you for getting us xyz food”, “thank you for my camp I love it so much”. They haven’t once asked for a screen.

Our time is coming to an end and it’s like I can feel the anxiety coming off of them. They’re beyond excited to see their mom as this is the longest they’ve been away from her; but i can also see a sadness (especially from 11) in them. She’s made comments about “just going home to do nothing…” “I wish my mom would actually let me do [sport I out her in]” & they are very attached to my animals and they’re not allowed to have any because of their stepfather.

I know their mom takes care of them and loves them more than anything but her anxiety holds her back from letting them live life. They’ve been able to try so many new foods that BM would never let them have at home (like Chinese food! Who doesn’t like good Chinese?!) BM is a notoriously picky eater so all they have in the house is processed things. Sorry I’m just rambling I’ll get to my point.

I’m very worried they’re going to go home and start acting out. I already have a feeling they’ll be choosing to go to college out here if not ask sooner than that (which we’d be perfectly ok with) but I don’t think BM’s ego could take a “I’d rather live with my dad than you” or something like it. I’m worried about the “well at my dads we ate xyz”, “well ‘op’ let me go to the store with her why won’t you” etc.

They are very well behaved kids I’m just worried able did to much. I explained that if they did live with us it wouldn’t be like this all the time, that this was a vacation and that’s part of why we’ve done so much. I don’t want it to cause an issue with BM getting rubbed the wrong way but at the same time someone needs to give these kids a childhood!

Should I be having a more in depth conversation with the kids about it? BM? Just leave it alone? Should I have done anything differently? Us moving closer is unfortunately not an option for us at this time. Any thoughts?

TLDR; Gave our SK’s a really great summer; worried it may cause issues for BM.

Hey! I have been with my fiancé for about a year and a half. He has a daughter that is 10. I feel like coming in and being a stepparent when you’re also a people pleaser has been extremely hard. I constantly feel like his BM and her new husband and step kids are judging me as well as her parents ( my step daughters grandparents). Like no person is perfect. But when a stepmom isn’t perfect all hell breaks loose. They have never once said anything to my face but it’s their actions. The BM won’t help when I drop SD off. And then I feel like she judges how we do her hair or let her get dressed. Obviously she is dressing appropriately in leggings, tee shirts, shorts, crocs or tennis shoes. And her hair is in a pony tail or down but it’s never good enough. It’s almost like she wants her to be dressed and hair done to the 10s every time and that’s not how we live.I’m not sure how to go about this and kinda help myself. I know most of this is me and I need to understand that this happens but how to you get through it and not let it eat you alive.

It’s that time of the year again. School will be starting soon and you’re anticipating all of the extra stress and planning you’ll have to do simply because your step kids’ other house is disorganized chaos run by a whiny child of a woman.

You’re sales hunting to get good deals on clothes and supplies. You’re planning out how many clothes to buy that are good quality for school, time at home, cold weather clothes, plus extra clothes you can send over to their other house that you know won’t come back. You need enough clothes but not too much. You know if you buy too much, the kids will only wear them once or twice before outgrowing them because they’re here 50% of the time except for when their mom decides last-minute that she doesn’t want her parenting time. But you don’t want to buy too little so they feel like they don’t have options to dress themselves. You buy a little extra to account for the clothes that will be kept by the other house when the kids are sent back in ripped fast fashion clothes that are 2 sizes too small.

You measure their feet and make sure they have at least 1 pair of good sneakers, play sandals, dress sandals, and crocs in their current size and next size up. You also buy an extra pair or two of shoes for back up in case their mom sends them over in shoes that are far too small and destroyed. You’ll buy more back up shoes later in the year, you always need more. You wouldn’t have them wear shoes that are too small and you’d rather replace some back up shoes than their good sneakers. If they wear their good sneakers back to their mom’s, you will absolutely need to buy new ones because they will get “lost.”

You’re throwing out the threadbare, shredded hand-me-down socks and underwear from the youngest’s drawer. It’s the same underwear you originally bought for the eldest child, but they never came back from the other house until the youngest had outgrown them and they were coming apart at the seams. You keep an extra bulk pack of underwear and socks for each kid on standby because you’d rather indirectly buy underwear for both houses and throw out what comes back instead of making the kids wear tatters. You hope that soon she will run out of tatters to send back and their drawers will slowly get completely replaced with suitable underwear from your house. She seems to have a bottomless supply of raggedy old undies.

You’re making a mental log of what is worn and taken back and forth as discretely as possible so you know what needs to be replaced when it inevitably doesn’t come back without putting the kids in the middle. If you don’t do this, you’ll wind up running out to the store last minute when you realize something the kids need the next day never made it back because the other house “lost it”. It’s always an item you’ve already bought 3 times in the past.

You find the school calendars and input it into the family calendar. You make sure all of their documents for school are submitted. You’ve somehow managed to secure them a highly competitive spot in the aftercare all their friends go to that they’ll need because of their mom’s work schedule. You waited until the exact minute to refresh the registration page to get those spots. The wait list is 60 people deep not even 30 minutes after registration opened. You make sure their lunch accounts are scheduled for auto refill. You make sure their next check ups and dentist appointments for the coming year are scheduled. Hair cuts and eye appointments are done. You buy 3 pairs of glasses for the year: 1 pair to wear most of the time, 1 back up pair for when something happens to the first pair (sat on, broken, etc) and a third pair for when their glasses get lost at their mom’s house. New backpacks with matching lunch boxes and water bottles? Check, check, check. School supply shopping is done. You then get to hear how stressed out biomom is about the start of the new year a month after your husband tells her everything is done. You keep the schedule clear on the days the kids won’t have school on her parenting time because you know she’s not going to review their school calendar that is posted publicly and sent to her by your husband and you will once again need to clear your schedule last minute to stay home with the kids due to her unwillingness to take responsibility for her parenting time.

You join the PTA and register as a volunteer. You will intentionally be left out of most volunteer opportunities in the classroom because you’re the stepmom, of course. Oddly enough, people will go out of their way to performatively reassure you, unprompted, that you are welcome to occasionally have the opportunity to be involved in supporting them academically, even though you’re the stepmom. Grandparents and aunts and uncles are on the distribution list you will ask to be on, but you’ll never get added to it. Apparently having no one there for the kids is better than having you there. The kids will ask why you hadn’t volunteered when they get home from special event days. If you do find an opportunity to volunteer, you will be the only parent of the 3 of you that would have been able to make it. Regardless, your husband will still get dramatic texts days later about how you’re stealing her opportunities to be involved in her children’s lives. She never checked classroom communications so she didn’t even know the event was happening, much less checked the email sent out to classroom volunteers with a sign up link. She will blame you for not telling her about it even though you don’t speak and you rarely get sent the sign up link to volunteer. She has never once volunteered for anything at the school. You register anyway.

Bonus Round:
You find cute new places to go to with the kids to spend time with them. They LOVE the experience and hanging out with you. The next week they will come back and excitedly tell you that they went and did the same thing with their mom. Half the time, they tell you the story of when she took them there but it was actually the time you took them there. They forgot it was you. You make sure not to show your disappointment and sadness while you tell them you’re so glad they had a good time and it sounded like fun.

(I know a lot of people would say that I shouldn’t be concerning myself so much in the kids’ business or asking why their dad isn’t doing what I’m doing. I mostly stay at home and my husband works a crazy schedule. I manage the house and our family by choice, not out of obligation. I just wanted to vent about how much extra chaos, emotions, and stress having a type B biomom adds to our lives.)

I’m at my wits end. Summer visitation is almost over but it has been a TRYING time.

I just need to ask other people if this is what we observe from 5 year olds typically. I actually work with kids so I know how o experience 5 year olds as a teacher, but maybe the restraint collapse at home is just not something I was expecting.

My SD is 5 almost 6. She’s with us often throughout the year, but spends most time with her mom and then most of the summer with us.

My main things are not doing backflips off your bed, not playing on the staircase, not climbing your bookshelf and clean up before you move to another area of the house. I legitimately have to repeat every single one of these things 10x a day and I’m not understanding how nothing is sticking after WEEKS of the same reminders. And she’s not trying to act out. She’s apologetic every time she’s corrected and she hates her consequences (time out usually), but it’s like she absolutely cannot stop. Then we’ve reprimanded her multiple times about lifting and throwing her sister (OD almost 2) and also wrapping things around her neck or her sister’s neck tightly. Like a toy necklace or binoculars but twisting and twisting it on purpose. Of course my husband and I have both freaked out about these last two especially but it has still happened SEVERAL TIMES. When she’s reprimanded, she typically just says she forgot.

Idk, I just wanna know do you all deal with this at this age? Bio kid or step kid, doesn’t matter. I have no idea if this is the other household, some type of underlying issue or just normal at this point.

Long story short DHs ex has always been an issue. Today she dropped the bombshell that she may have to move across the country to NY (we’re on the west coast) in order to seek support from her sister since she doesn’t like parenting alone. The kicker is she said she’s fine just leaving her kids behind and taking them only for some time over the summer. Currently we have a 50/50 custody split but often times she’s too overwhelmed and asks us to take them. The part that is making me angry is because I know I’m the main reason she’s threatening this. Early in our relationship she attempted to reconcile with him and obviously he refused and moved forward with me. Since then she cycles between being verbally abusive, threatening to harm herself and pretending like she’s apologetic to try and gain sympathy. She never attempted to repair their relationship until I came along and once she realized it was serious and she wasn’t going to get her life back she’s been going out of her way to make everyone around her suffer. Part of me wants to be happy that she’s threatening to leave so that either A she’ll do it and we can just have them full time because she’s not stable and can’t provide anything for them. Or B that she was bluffing and since it’s been documented that she has been unstable that it will make it easier for us at the next court proceeding to get more custody of them. Either way I’m heartbroken for their kids because she’s a pathetic excuse for a mother and they never deserved to be shackled to such an incompetent parent that clearly cares more about herself than them.

I feel sad when partner’s daughter leaves after staying with us. I’ve seen her grow up from 5 years old to 13 now. She getting so big but is still so beautiful, kind and intelligent. I get sad because she’s growing up so fast and she spends most her time with her mom. She’s a great mom. I know she’s safe and well taken care of. I just wish we didn’t live so far away and could see her more. I feel like at this age she’s a lot more invested in friends. So sometimes it’s hard to adjust to that. I want her to be a teenager. But I also am so scared sometimes I won’t be a huge part of her life. I know I am but she has many people who love her and 4 parents including myself. It’s great she’s got a lot of caring people. All I hope for is that as she gets older we can still be close or maybe closer. I know this is a subreddit for different stories but I was hoping maybe some people feel this way. They have step kids who they love but it’s hard since they aren’t the primary parent. All the best. It was hard for me at first but it got a lot better.