I (36M) and my partner (47F) have been married for 4 years, and together for 10 years. We have two children together (17M and 14F). Both of our children are my partner’s bio children, but I love them like they are my own. I came into their lives when they were young, and over the years, we have built wonderful relationships together. I have had the privilege to watch them grow, make core memories, cheer them on in times of celebration, be an ear or shoulder when times were difficult, and everything in between. My partner and I have always checked in with them on how they are feeling. Blended families can be hard, with a lot of feelings from everyone. They have been in therapy since their bio parents’ divorce, and continue to see a therapist today. Both do so well academically and socially. We are so proud of them.

I always made sure to check in with how they’re feeling, especially in the beginning. I’m the new person, and I want to make sure they’re comfortable. I would ask them how they would like to be introduced, how I should introduce myself. I always refer to them as my kids. Never step kids. And they have both expressed preferring this, as they both say that they consider me their real dad. Over time, my youngest started calling me Dad. Which was such an amazing feeling. I never realized how much I wanted that until it happened. My oldest still calls me by my first name, and I am perfectly okay with that. I want them to call me what they are comfortable with.

The relationship with their bio dad completely deteriorated due to how he and his then girlfriend treated the kids. There is a lot of emotional abuse, manipulation, and neglect. It’s gotten to the point where they refuse to talk to him, and refer to him by his first name, even to his face. They haven’t spoken to him in years. My partner and I make ourselves available for them to talk to us about how they’re feeling. Sometimes they will share, and when we do, we listen and offer the support that they want and need. Advice, just someone to listen, someone to sit in the feelings with them, however they need us to be.

A few months ago, she had a big blow out with her bio dad over the phone. They hadn’t seen each other in years. They used to go to family counseling with their bio parents, the relationships with the bio dad got worse. He reached out over the phone to talk with her about seeing her. It went south very quickly. She said that she was fine and blocked him. She vented about how she feels about him to all of us, and that she doesn’t want to speak to him again. There was a lot of regret on her end for taking his call.

A week later, my youngest said to me “I feel differently. I feel like you’re just someone who lives in the house. I don’t feel like you’re a dad to me. You’re just a guy who lives here. I don’t really know how else to say it.” I was crushed, and confused. I didn’t understand what I said or did. She couldn’t point to a specific incident, just a feeling. I started crying. I probably shouldn’t have. I try not to do that in front of them, but I was caught completely off guard. I asked her how I can love her better or what she needs from me, and that I was really scared because I didn’t know what to do. For the first time, I was afraid of what to say and how to act.

My partner talked with her, the three of us talked together, then the four of us. She later said that she was confused about how she was feeling about me because of the fight with her bio dad. She said that she wished she could put my personality into his body and then she would have the best dad. Looking back, I think she meant that she wished he was different, but at the time, it hurt a little bit. It was a reminder that even though I might be a good dad, I’m still not bio dad. Something that always made me feel self conscious. Being a step dad, I know that I don’t have the same understanding as a bio parent. I will never know that feeling, but my love for them is real, and fierce, and I would do anything for them. But hearing this made me wonder if there was something that was eating at our parent child relationship, because of the relationship with her bio dad went completely south.

She never stopped calling me dad. She still refers to her bio dad by his first name. I know I should probably see that as a strong indication that things are okay, otherwise she wouldn’t call me that. But our relationship still feels off. She doesn’t look at me, she barely talks to me. She has been isolating more. She stills talks and laughs with her brother and mom, but with me, I feel like a black sheep. I have tried talking with her, but she says everything is fine. I have tried asking if she wants to spend time together. Lately, she has been saying no more often.

I know that developmentally, teenagers are more independent and want to spend less time with their parents. I get that. I did the same thing when I was her age. My partner says it’s normal,but I think I’m still scared about the conversation a few months ago. It really rattled me. My mind races thinking that she still doesn’t see me as a parent or trusted adult. I notice that I get really sad when interactions don’t feel warm. It’s not her fault. And I don’t expect her to manage my emotions. I just wish that we could talk about it. She says she doesn’t want to, and I don’t want to force her. I just wish that there was something that I could do to make it better. It’s hard to trust that the words are enough when the body language feels so different. She will always be my daughter, even if she says she hates me or wants to stop calling me dad. I just feel so helpless. It feels like I’m waiting for bad news that hasn’t arrived yet.

Am I over thinking this? Maybe I am taking normal teenage behaviors too personally. Or maybe not? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. I’m sorry for such a long post.

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and haven't met his kids. We're moving deliberately slowly.

He brought me up to his ex (the kids' mom). She asked many questions and made a few statements, some very reasonable, some invasive. She asked if I have experience with kids and other questions that I think are reasonable because they relate to the kids.

She also asked personal questions about my desire to have kids, my race, my age, and other topics that my boyfriend wouldn't answer. Some of the questions sounded accusatory to me, as though she's already on the offense as a preemptive defence. She said, "Don't introduce the kids unless you're getting married". She then made it a requirement to meet me before he can introduce me to the kids. This isn't in their separation agreement and it's also very different from how she moved in her affair partner and now fiancé.

When my boyfriend said he didn't want her to meet me first, she said, "I won't be a cu*t to her". That language set a hostile tone, to my ears. If she had approached this as wanting everyone to feel comfortable, wanting me to feel welcome, and explaining the reasons why she would feel more comfortable meeting me, the atmosphere would have been very different and I would have felt fine meeting her.

Instead, her invasive questions sound like a screening and vetting process, which implies veto power over my relationship. None of her questions sound like someone who wants to create amicable relationships with the adults involved. They sound like someone wanting unilateral control.

I understand a mother wanting to make sure her kids are comfortable and safe. Her questions extended beyond that. She also dictated the type of relationship she thinks my boyfriend and I should have. I don't feel comfortable with her saying anything about us being married. That's overstepping into my personal life.

So, my question is: how often do you interact with your partner's ex? If we're setting off on the wrong foot, is it realistic for me to want very few interactions with his ex? Maybe special events, like graduation ceremonies and performances. I'm very uncomfortable around hostility and I avoid controlling people, so I would honestly prefer never to interact with her.

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I (23F) have been with DH (27M) for three years. SS7 has known me for almost half his life. BM has been with her partner for around six years. Let's call him MegaMind. Not because he's evil... just because if you've seen the movie, you'll understand immediately.

Sometimes I honestly feel like DH and I are the only adults asking ourselves one simple question:

"What does SS actually want?"

His birthday is coming up, and his request isn't exactly world peace.

He just wants to have lunch and dinner with everyone together: BM, MegaMind, DH, me, and his baby sister.

Would that be my ideal Saturday?

Absolutely not.

Would it probably be awkward?

Also yes.

Mostly because BM somehow manages to turn every interaction into a sequel nobody asked for.

She makes jokes about DH being useless, tries to start arguments, brings up topics that have nothing to do with SS, and regularly crosses the very boundaries she expects everyone else to respect.

DH, on the other hand, keeps every conversation focused on parenting. If it isn't about SS, he usually doesn't engage.

Now here's where the plot somehow gets even weirder.

Apparently Ursula (MegaMind's aunt) has decided that BM shouldn't celebrate anything with DH because, according to her,

"A mother who truly loves her child doesn't send him to his father."

...Excuse me?

Not only is that an incredibly cruel thing to say, but she's neither SS's parent nor his legal guardian.

So now I'm wondering...

Since when is MegaMind's aunt on the parenting committee?

Apparently the real mastermind behind this whole operation isn't even MegaMind.

It's Ursula.

She somehow has very strong opinions about how two parents should co-parent a child that isn't hers.

To make things even stranger, nobody seems interested in what SS actually wants.

He's told his parents multiple times that he doesn't even like celebrating his birthday at school. He finds it boring and doesn't enjoy all the attention.

BM still insists on doing it there every year because it's cheaper.

Then we accidentally discovered something else.

DH had been wondering why SS suddenly started talking about Geometry Dash again.

That game isn't allowed.

I jokingly asked him,

"So... where exactly are you playing Geometry Dash?"

Without even thinking about it, he happily answered,

"At Pinky's house!"

Who's Pinky?

Ursula.

Apparently she lets him use her tablet and play whatever he wants.

The ironic part is that BM often criticizes DH over screen time, even though he only allows educational games, Spanish-learning videos, and age-appropriate content.

Meanwhile another adult openly ignores the rules both parents agreed on...

...and somehow that's perfectly fine.

Honestly, what frustrates me the most isn't Ursula or even MegaMind.

It's that everyone seems to be making decisions based on what the adults want.

BM wants one thing.

MegaMind wants another.

Ursula apparently thinks she gets a vote.

Meanwhile, the only person nobody seems to be listening to is the seven-year-old whose birthday it actually is.

Sometimes I feel like all the adults are competing for Best Supporting Actor, while the birthday boy somehow became an extra in his own story.

Has anyone else dealt with family members or partners who seem more invested in their own feelings than in what the child actually wants?

do yall ever regret marrying someone with more than one kid? or even 1 kid? i feel ashamed admitting this but sometimes i feel like i settled because i never imagined i would end up with someone with 2 kids, i do have a daughter and i would have preferred someone with no more than 1 kid. english is my third language so i apologize in advance just wanted to vent because at first it didn’t bother me but after almost 1 year married to him sometimes i wonder if i would have just waited to meet someone different i do love my husband but idk 😪

I’ve been with BD for four years so I’ve known SS (7) for more than half of his life at this point.
He is starting therapy soon for a few different things (but also therapy is great! And he’s a child of divorce so I’m just pro him having someone to talk to with no ‘skin’ in the game.)
One of those things is a sudden separation anxiety where if his father gets up to do anything from going to the bathroom to walking around the corner to toss trash - SS starts FREAKING out ‘where’s my dad!’ And can’t be calmed until his dad is literally back directly next to him. While he’s always been super entitled to his dad and doesn’t seem to view him as a person who has to do anything other than tend to him; I have started getting particularly grossed out by the bodily entitlement. He climbs all over his father like a jungle gym but also just pokes, prods, pets, shoves his hands inside his shirts, up his pant legs, and will say stuff that makes it so much creepier like ‘mmm that feels nice’ (not sexually but still it makes it soooo much creepier!)
My problem is; while I know therapy is imminent it’s not going to suddenly change how this kid views his father in five to ten business days - but in the interim I am super struggling to find my partner intimately attractive because I can only see his body as his kid’s toy….does that make sense? Does anyone else have the same issue or have gotten through it?

My husband’s daughter from his first marriage is 8 years old, and we have her for school breaks as her mother lives in a different state in the US. We’ve been trying to get residential custody but that is a separate issue. When she’s here, I’ve noticed issues such as pee/poop on the toilet seat, bad smells wherever she sits, unwillingness to bathe, and a complete lack of ability to clean up after herself.

Her bedroom is a complete disaster and I have her help me clean it every evening, but it goes back to the way it was by the next morning. I know some of this may be age-appropriate, but I was wondering just how much of this is normal. My husband has tried to speak to her mother about it, but they have a very contentious relationship and I often have to be the mediator as bio mom has a good relationship with me.

When I’ve visited my stepdaughter at her maternal grandmother’s house, I’ve noticed these same issues there among all the family members (multi-generational home). Him and I both have tried to teach her how to clean herself multiple times but it feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t really know how we should be handling this. Is there a way to teach her how to be clean that I’m not implementing?

I had a situation with my SK (15) over the weekend. It was my birthday. When it's a family member's birthday, that person chooses the activities they would like to do to celebrate. Everyone else participates happily to help the birthday person feel celebrated. SK is included in this. For my birthday, I specifically chose an activity I knew would appeal to SK because he can be difficult when the activity is not his preference. Historically, SK himself has chosen this same activity for his birthday.

Prior to and during the activity, SK began what I consider to be passive-aggressive tantrums. The behavior includes pretending not to hear when he is spoken to, pretending to be asleep when he is not, responding to genuine questions or requests sarcastically and/or with an argument, etc. Then there's the open, frequent, and loud complaining about "having to" participate. In essence, SK can really bring down a celebration when he would prefer not to be there. My husband expressed some annoyance with SK about the behavior, but he did not address it specifically or directly with expectations for improvement.

During one part of the activity, SK needed to make a specific choice about something in order to participate further. He was sitting there pretending to be asleep, holding everyone else up. Like, he was acting as if he had dozed off and his head was dropping forward. My husband tried to get SK’s attention twice, and SK ignored him. My husband asked a third time, and SK pretended like he hadn't heard and that he was startled awake. It was clearly fake and ridiculous.

I had enough of it at that point. I told SK to step away from the group with me for a minute. I took him to a separate area, and I reminded him that it was my birthday and that was why we were doing this activity. I reminded him that when it is his birthday, we all -- me included -- do whatever he chooses, and we participate fully. I then reminded him that I had spent the entire previous day doing an activity he had chosen, and I did it happily. I told him that I expected the same from him. That's what is fair. He replied with, "I'm trying." And I said, "Try more." Then I told him to go back to where the group. When we returned, my husband asked me if everything was okay. I said, "It will be now."

A little while later, I told my husband about the exchange with SK. I told him I would understand if he believed I overstepped or if I needed to do anything with SK to correct what I'd said. My husband said he thought I'd handled it well. He said SK’s behavior was poor, and he was glad I addressed it.

Later, SK continued to pout, and he separated himself from the rest of the group. I decided that as long as he wasn't creating problems for everyone else, he could sit over there on his own. I didn't address that. My husband, however, became very concerned that SK was sad or whatever, and that became the excuse to end the activity. SK got what he wanted, right? So frustrating. SK hasn't spoken to me for three days now.

So, do you think I overstepped my bounds by addressing SK the way I did? This is difficult for me because I never had these behavioral issues with my son (25). It has always just been expected and accepted that we behave positively on someone else's birthday to help them have a good day.

Y’all, I’m struggling with navigating being a stepparent to a teenage boy lol

I’ve been in his life since he was 12, and he lives with his dad and me full-time. We all have a great relationship, and he’s such a wonderful, respectful kid, which I’m incredibly grateful for.

He’s 16 and has been dating his girlfriend for about a year. For the most part, she’s nice, but his dad and I constantly overhear them arguing on the phone. A few weeks ago, he even frantically called his dad while he was at his mom’s house because his girlfriend was threatening to break up with him. He was in complete panic and told his dad she was the only thing that made him happy.

They’re also on FaceTime from the moment they wake up until they go to bed, and it just feels unhealthy. I know I’m probably overreacting.

I know I was a teenager once too. I thought my high school boyfriend was my soulmate, and I was absolutely devastated when we broke up. But it feels like things are different now with how connected kids are through their phones 24/7.

I also struggle because I’m the stepmom, so sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t care this much or if it’s not really my place. His dad is pretty laid-back about most things, although he admits it bothers him too.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Am I overthinking this? I’m sure I am but it feels nice to type it out.

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. Both he and I went through similar divorces in the couple of years prior to us getting together. He has 3 kids with his ex and I have 1 with mine. Both of our ex's are narcissists - like legitimately. I know that word gets thrown around a lot but they both truly are.
I'm a bit further out from my divorce and have put up stronger boundaries with my ex than my boyfriend has with his. But she is unbearable.

I get so angry with the way she treats my boyfriend and their children. She also constantly does anything she can to try and turn the kids against me (doesn't usually work) but it doesn't prevent her from trying. She's spread lies to mutual friends/acquaintances of my boyfriends and hers that he was cheating on her with me, all to cover up that she was actually cheating on him for years with his cousin. And yes her and his cousin are now openly together...they announced their relationship publicly a week after she moved out of my boyfriends home. I could literally write a novel about all of the shit she does/has done. But the main reason for my post is that, I need advice. I don't know how to not be so angry.
Lately she's been doing everything she can to prevent the kids from being involved with my family. I moved to be with my boyfriend which involved me moving over 12 hours away from my family. We have been back to visit and my family now has a trip planned to come visit us and she refuses to let us take the kids on trips or keep the kids extra days while they're here.
EVEN THOUGH she has taken the kids on trips with her new boyfriends family and constantly has kept the kids on what should have been their dad's days to do other family events.

Of course my boyfriend is planning on taking her back to court so I'm not looking for legal advice or anything. But how do you handle someone so awful and frustrating and not let it get to you?? I'm constantly angry or anxious when it comes to dealing with her and it's starting to take a toll on my mental health.

Help please!

I (49f) have a stepchild (20f) who has been living with me and her bio dad(49m) for the past 3 years. Relationship with sd was good up until she graduated from her college program. She was extremely rude to me at her graduation dinner (which her bio mom was attending) despite her father and I paying for her entire tuition. She thanked everyone for their support in a Facebook post and omitted her father’s support.

She’s not openly rude but disregards everyone including grandparents. Doesn’t seem grateful for gifts or help out much around the house.

Last year, I told my husband that it was time for her to transition into her own living situation. She has been working full time since last year. Has a car (we gifted her) and pays her own expenses (gas, cellphone, clothes, etc). The year is up now and I reminded my husband it was time to revisit her moving out. He asked me if I expected him to drop her off at a women’s shelter.

I’m ready to move out on my own. I didn’t create this problem and I am not her parent.

Am I being stupid for wanting to separate over this situation?

Is it typical BD behavior to keep trying to flirt with BM even after he is engaged? His Fiancée has no idea. I want to tell her but also, if he cheats on her then she can get that bag later on down the road when he is married.

I am the step parent and know that its happening. BM tells me about it everytime, and tells me that she denies any of his advances. Whats the most annoying part is he acts like he likes me as a friend. I just can't be fake so I don't talk much- when I know what he is up to.

I can't not be around him because of the child. Does it end after the child turns 18? Or is this going to be my life.

A predatory BD lurking around every corner.

I’m at my wits end. Summer visitation is almost over but it has been a TRYING time.

I just need to ask other people if this is what we observe from 5 year olds typically. I actually work with kids so I know how o experience 5 year olds as a teacher, but maybe the restraint collapse at home is just not something I was expecting.

My SD is 5 almost 6. She’s with us often throughout the year, but spends most time with her mom and then most of the summer with us.

My main things are not doing backflips off your bed, not playing on the staircase, not climbing your bookshelf and clean up before you move to another area of the house. I legitimately have to repeat every single one of these things 10x a day and I’m not understanding how nothing is sticking after WEEKS of the same reminders. And she’s not trying to act out. She’s apologetic every time she’s corrected and she hates her consequences (time out usually), but it’s like she absolutely cannot stop. Then we’ve reprimanded her multiple times about lifting and throwing her sister (OD almost 2) and also wrapping things around her neck or her sister’s neck tightly. Like a toy necklace or binoculars but twisting and twisting it on purpose. Of course my husband and I have both freaked out about these last two especially but it has still happened SEVERAL TIMES. When she’s reprimanded, she typically just says she forgot.

Idk, I just wanna know do you all deal with this at this age? Bio kid or step kid, doesn’t matter. I have no idea if this is the other household, some type of underlying issue or just normal at this point.

This is not due to safety or anything relating to that.
Throwaway but a lot of you would know me on my main.

I have 3 SD’s (9, 11, 14) that live in another state. The younger 2 came out for a good chunk of the summer, the oldest couldn’t for reasons but hopefully can join us next year.

I have the perfect setup as a SM if I’m honest. My SO is an actual parent & is grateful if I so much as warm up a pizza for them, BM & I get along great & me and my SD’s each have a wonderful loving relationship. I’m personally childfree so being a part time SP is great. (Can’t wait for all of the bitter comments regarding how little we have them)

We see them for Christmas, at least one vacation a year, & we alternate one of their bdays to fly out for each year. This is the first summer in 2 years that BM finally let the leash go & allowed them out here (even though it’s in the court order but wtv).

She is a helicopter parent to the MAX. Especially with the youngest. She is terrified of flying & pretty much going anywhere outside the house. The kids never get to go do anything. When I say anything I mean it. They haven’t been trick or treating in 6+ years, had never seen fireworks in person until this year, haven’t been allowed to do sports or anything. They do one yearly beach trip & that’s about it. 90% of the time the kids are on some device, sitting at home. I genuinely believe she may have some form of agoraphobia or something. It’s either that or laziness at this point.

As I mentioned me and her get along well. Well enough that she trusts the kids with me & will come to me for parenting advice or venting. I was the one that talked to her about bringing them out here finally so I could enroll them in summer camp & other activities. They REALLY want to be involved in sports & I’ve offered BM to cover ALL related costs (including gas) but she will not take them. I was a sports kid & I believe it’s important to foster a healthy relationship with physical activity young. The only thing I can’t do is physically take them.

Long story short, in the last month 1/2 they have done more here than they have in over a year at BM’s. They have had a BLAST. They have been so adventurous, engaged, & appreciative. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been thanked by these girls. “Thank you for taking me with you to the store”, “thank you for getting us xyz food”, “thank you for my camp I love it so much”. They haven’t once asked for a screen.

Our time is coming to an end and it’s like I can feel the anxiety coming off of them. They’re beyond excited to see their mom as this is the longest they’ve been away from her; but i can also see a sadness (especially from 11) in them. She’s made comments about “just going home to do nothing…” “I wish my mom would actually let me do [sport I out her in]” & they are very attached to my animals and they’re not allowed to have any because of their stepfather.

I know their mom takes care of them and loves them more than anything but her anxiety holds her back from letting them live life. They’ve been able to try so many new foods that BM would never let them have at home (like Chinese food! Who doesn’t like good Chinese?!) BM is a notoriously picky eater so all they have in the house is processed things. Sorry I’m just rambling I’ll get to my point.

I’m very worried they’re going to go home and start acting out. I already have a feeling they’ll be choosing to go to college out here if not ask sooner than that (which we’d be perfectly ok with) but I don’t think BM’s ego could take a “I’d rather live with my dad than you” or something like it. I’m worried about the “well at my dads we ate xyz”, “well ‘op’ let me go to the store with her why won’t you” etc.

They are very well behaved kids I’m just worried able did to much. I explained that if they did live with us it wouldn’t be like this all the time, that this was a vacation and that’s part of why we’ve done so much. I don’t want it to cause an issue with BM getting rubbed the wrong way but at the same time someone needs to give these kids a childhood!

Should I be having a more in depth conversation with the kids about it? BM? Just leave it alone? Should I have done anything differently? Us moving closer is unfortunately not an option for us at this time. Any thoughts?

TLDR; Gave our SK’s a really great summer; worried it may cause issues for BM.

So currently waiting for the shit storm. But I have 3 cats. I’ll go by their first initial to hopefully not give too much away.

G- 5-6 y/o female. Loving. Affectionate. Came from shelter and doesn’t like to be picked up much or chased around. But will come up for attention constantly. Also does not like her sides pet. She will mouth and if you continue to pet her sides she will get up and walk away.

D- 2 y/o male. Loving as hell. Extra toes which sometimes will catch you or he will accidentally scratch with them. My child who picked him from the shelter can carry him like a ragdoll everywhere around the house. She does carry him properly but towards the start not wanting to put down her stupid tablet her dad got her she got into a habit of carrying him with one arm. Anyways. Never had an issue since it’s been since he was a baby. She does carry him normal 95% of the time now.

T- 2 y/o female. She does not want to get picked up. Actively avoids people unless she’s hungry or something. Will come for pets on her terms. Typical cat? Ghost for the most part.

So I have been living with boyfriend for a couple months now. We’ve been moved in and the laundry room is the cats. They spend a lot of time in there. They come out through the house often but that’s their room and where they go at night. Well this morning and just for lack of better terms my 10 y/o step son if you can consider him that decided he wanted to play with them. Moved the washer out and everything to get to G. G he has taken out at night when I’ve been away for work and she got hurt about a month ago. He claims she jumped halfway down the stairs out of his arms. I don’t believe it. I don’t believe he intended to hurt her necessarily either. But I told bf I would like the cats left alone unless we can supervise because I don’t believe either of his sons know how to properly handle a cat. Or care about boundaries. Well behind the washer is G covered in oxi clean that apparently got spilled while he was trying to get the cat. D is apparently the one who scratched and ss claimed tried to bite. I’ve never had issues with biting. D unfortunately I can see scratches some from the extra toes that he can’t control. He has oven mitts looking paws and the “thumb” just gets caught on anything, anyone and everything. Downstairs was a mess. Couches pulled out. Furniture pulled out. Broom wasn’t in its spot so idk if he tried poking at him. I’m just lost on what to do. Waiting currently to hear about how bf or the boys mom want the cats gone. Because I’m sure it’s coming. Apparently when the 10 y/o was a baby he got cat scratch fever and his mom has hated cats. But on the other hand they have all seemed kinda irresponsible with all their animals. Most recently was a Frenchie that she had that had claws growing into her feet and bleeding from her rear that she didn’t care to take to a vet for and “got rid of”. I’m tired of it. I’m about 7 months pregnant with our child and stressed. D is my daughter’s cat. She picked him and he sleeps in her bed and all. And I feel like they’re gonna both say shit to get the cats gone. Or worse. Get rid of them somehow when I’m working or something. I’m about to order some cameras Friday for around the house and I have no idea how it’s gonna go over with bf. He knows how they are with animals as well. My child also has a hamster in her room and they went in there taking it out and passing it around roughly while I was on FaceTime with my daughter as she is away visiting family right now. They put a hole in her wall roughhousing in there broke a couple toys and everything. I’m just tired of it.

ETA: Also wanted to add that when I say for lack of better terms for calling him a step son, since we’re not married or anything idk if you can still consider him a step son? I said it once to a friend and they said no not unless we’re married so just for ease of the post I say step son. I do enjoy having the boys around it’s just some things such as treatment of the animals that bother me. Among other things but I let their dad deal with it. I don’t see it being my place for some things.

As the title says me and my wife had a beautiful daughter together and she just turned 2. My wife has a son who's 11 and lives with us, he sees his bio Dad roughly every other weekend. We have been together for over 6 years, living together for 4.

It feels like my problem is that I am so much more in love with my own daughter then I have ever been when compared with my step son. I feel like I've tried to be close with him, but it feels my relationship with him is not nearly as affectionate. It becomes much more apparent when it's just the three of us for the day, but obviously the expectations are a bit different between a 2 year old and an 11 year old.

But I never felt like I've seen any of myself in that boy or felt him where he is at. He's never been easy: has emotional-disconnection issues(from past emotional abuse by his bio Dad), possibly autistic, has had issues in school where he claimed or said insane things, and can really be rude or unpleasant to be around sometimes. All of these things make me nervous about his future, while on the other hand I see nothing but success and happiness for my daughter.

I would love for him to get evaluated by a therapist or even a psychologist, his Mom needs help too. But neither of those things are my call to make unfortunately.

I suppose my question to this community is, has anybody else felt the same when they compare their bio kids to their step kids? Any advice or stories are welcomed.

Thanks

Understandably, lots of posts here are about adjustment problems with stepchildren. May be it will help everyone to hear about stories of successful adjustments and positive outcomes and how did they happen.

Thus, if your teenager stepchild adjusted successfully with you, what were some steps, events, tactics, or circumstances that you think resulted in successful outcomes and hopefully loving relationships?

Hey! I have been with my fiancé for about a year and a half. He has a daughter that is 10. I feel like coming in and being a stepparent when you’re also a people pleaser has been extremely hard. I constantly feel like his BM and her new husband and step kids are judging me as well as her parents ( my step daughters grandparents). Like no person is perfect. But when a stepmom isn’t perfect all hell breaks loose. They have never once said anything to my face but it’s their actions. The BM won’t help when I drop SD off. And then I feel like she judges how we do her hair or let her get dressed. Obviously she is dressing appropriately in leggings, tee shirts, shorts, crocs or tennis shoes. And her hair is in a pony tail or down but it’s never good enough. It’s almost like she wants her to be dressed and hair done to the 10s every time and that’s not how we live.I’m not sure how to go about this and kinda help myself. I know most of this is me and I need to understand that this happens but how to you get through it and not let it eat you alive.

It’s that time of the year again. School will be starting soon and you’re anticipating all of the extra stress and planning you’ll have to do simply because your step kids’ other house is disorganized chaos run by a whiny child of a woman.

You’re sales hunting to get good deals on clothes and supplies. You’re planning out how many clothes to buy that are good quality for school, time at home, cold weather clothes, plus extra clothes you can send over to their other house that you know won’t come back. You need enough clothes but not too much. You know if you buy too much, the kids will only wear them once or twice before outgrowing them because they’re here 50% of the time except for when their mom decides last-minute that she doesn’t want her parenting time. But you don’t want to buy too little so they feel like they don’t have options to dress themselves. You buy a little extra to account for the clothes that will be kept by the other house when the kids are sent back in ripped fast fashion clothes that are 2 sizes too small.

You measure their feet and make sure they have at least 1 pair of good sneakers, play sandals, dress sandals, and crocs in their current size and next size up. You also buy an extra pair or two of shoes for back up in case their mom sends them over in shoes that are far too small and destroyed. You’ll buy more back up shoes later in the year, you always need more. You wouldn’t have them wear shoes that are too small and you’d rather replace some back up shoes than their good sneakers. If they wear their good sneakers back to their mom’s, you will absolutely need to buy new ones because they will get “lost.”

You’re throwing out the threadbare, shredded hand-me-down socks and underwear from the youngest’s drawer. It’s the same underwear you originally bought for the eldest child, but they never came back from the other house until the youngest had outgrown them and they were coming apart at the seams. You keep an extra bulk pack of underwear and socks for each kid on standby because you’d rather indirectly buy underwear for both houses and throw out what comes back instead of making the kids wear tatters. You hope that soon she will run out of tatters to send back and their drawers will slowly get completely replaced with suitable underwear from your house. She seems to have a bottomless supply of raggedy old undies.

You’re making a mental log of what is worn and taken back and forth as discretely as possible so you know what needs to be replaced when it inevitably doesn’t come back without putting the kids in the middle. If you don’t do this, you’ll wind up running out to the store last minute when you realize something the kids need the next day never made it back because the other house “lost it”. It’s always an item you’ve already bought 3 times in the past.

You find the school calendars and input it into the family calendar. You make sure all of their documents for school are submitted. You’ve somehow managed to secure them a highly competitive spot in the aftercare all their friends go to that they’ll need because of their mom’s work schedule. You waited until the exact minute to refresh the registration page to get those spots. The wait list is 60 people deep not even 30 minutes after registration opened. You make sure their lunch accounts are scheduled for auto refill. You make sure their next check ups and dentist appointments for the coming year are scheduled. Hair cuts and eye appointments are done. You buy 3 pairs of glasses for the year: 1 pair to wear most of the time, 1 back up pair for when something happens to the first pair (sat on, broken, etc) and a third pair for when their glasses get lost at their mom’s house. New backpacks with matching lunch boxes and water bottles? Check, check, check. School supply shopping is done. You then get to hear how stressed out biomom is about the start of the new year a month after your husband tells her everything is done. You keep the schedule clear on the days the kids won’t have school on her parenting time because you know she’s not going to review their school calendar that is posted publicly and sent to her by your husband and you will once again need to clear your schedule last minute to stay home with the kids due to her unwillingness to take responsibility for her parenting time.

You join the PTA and register as a volunteer. You will intentionally be left out of most volunteer opportunities in the classroom because you’re the stepmom, of course. Oddly enough, people will go out of their way to performatively reassure you, unprompted, that you are welcome to occasionally have the opportunity to be involved in supporting them academically, even though you’re the stepmom. Grandparents and aunts and uncles are on the distribution list you will ask to be on, but you’ll never get added to it. Apparently having no one there for the kids is better than having you there. The kids will ask why you hadn’t volunteered when they get home from special event days. If you do find an opportunity to volunteer, you will be the only parent of the 3 of you that would have been able to make it. Regardless, your husband will still get dramatic texts days later about how you’re stealing her opportunities to be involved in her children’s lives. She never checked classroom communications so she didn’t even know the event was happening, much less checked the email sent out to classroom volunteers with a sign up link. She will blame you for not telling her about it even though you don’t speak and you rarely get sent the sign up link to volunteer. She has never once volunteered for anything at the school. You register anyway.

Bonus Round:
You find cute new places to go to with the kids to spend time with them. They LOVE the experience and hanging out with you. The next week they will come back and excitedly tell you that they went and did the same thing with their mom. Half the time, they tell you the story of when she took them there but it was actually the time you took them there. They forgot it was you. You make sure not to show your disappointment and sadness while you tell them you’re so glad they had a good time and it sounded like fun.

(I know a lot of people would say that I shouldn’t be concerning myself so much in the kids’ business or asking why their dad isn’t doing what I’m doing. I mostly stay at home and my husband works a crazy schedule. I manage the house and our family by choice, not out of obligation. I just wanted to vent about how much extra chaos, emotions, and stress having a type B biomom adds to our lives.)

So there's a lot of history here that is probably relevant. Started dating my SO 4.5 years ago. She was recently divorced, 4 kids. I moved in about 10 months ago. Custody schedule is basically 90% our house, 10% at their dad's. We're not married, but we refer to me as stepdad, them as stepkids. SD is 13 and the last 12 months or so has been hospitalized three times for threatening suicide, usually involving knives. No actual physical harm to herself, but makes repeated threats and constantly says things along the lines of "I just want to die, I hate myself, I want to kill myself." But only does it when she is faced with a "no" or a consequence. She has extreme reactions to her mom's authority in particular. Dad does not really ever try to tell her no, so she faces no authority there. Lately it has progressed to where she is basically running the household. She picks fights with her brothers, she shaved her head in the middle of the night. Spends some nights binge eating and then hiding the empty cartons of ice cream, wrappers etc in the couch or under it. She lies constantly. She takes things that aren't hers and lies about it. Steals her mom's supplies, makeup etc. She was recently told she was grounded for spray painting in her room and said "i'm going to kill myself then." She just recently had a stay at the hospital where she asked with the therapist in the room if she could get her nose pierced. She was told no and she cried but accepted it. Then got home a few hours later and pierced her nose with a safety pin. I am basically at the point where she can't live with us anymore, but she lived with her dad for about 2 months earlier this year, and that really only served to allow her to live in an environment without consequences, which might have made her even more resistant to them. She is too young to diagnose bipolar. She takes meds for anxiety, to help her sleep, to help with ADHD. She is able to function at school for the most part, but resists parental authority. It's just like, I'm at the point where I just think she's a bad kid at this point who needs to be kicked out, but she's too young for that and I'm not sure where she would go that would actually turn her into a decent functioning adult one day.

My story - 50 yrs old. Met a lady that had kids that were 18 mth old son and 7 yr old daughter.

We had kids 50% time with father.

Everything went well with kids, raised them good, went to games, took them on trips, did the typical family thing. Once both kids were old enough to have a car I noticed a trend. They would spend more time with the fathers family. As time went on it gets worse. My daughter has been doing this for about 10 yrs and my son about 5 yrs. The daughter has spent 1 night in the past 5 yrs with us and the son may stay with us 2 times a year. They are at their dads house many weekends of the year. While I am at a point of not caring about it anymore as they made their choices. My wife also accepts it too. I think deep down it hurts her but she is a strong lady.

Its frustrating. Recently we went out to have dinner for an hour with our son and he only really spoke about his other family the whole time. He spent 6 days at their house and came to see us for an hour. This has gone on now for years. My wife and I think of selling and downsizing our house or going south for the winters. Part of our conversation will include the fact that the kids don't come to see us or want to spend any quality time with us so why do we need to live close to them. I don't see this changing. As one is 21 and the other is 27 and its went on for years.

Anyhow, any advice or similar stories to share?

How do you handle keeping clothes straight between each house, if at all?

This is a slightly hot button issue in our situation as the kids’ mom is a real down to earth tomboy, but my stepdaughter is very girly (and so am I.) Her mom thinks this is a bit of a moral failing and exclusively dresses her in secondhand clothes/tells her she shouldn’t care about clothes beyond function.

So I buy her nice clothes that she likes, but if these go back to her mom’s house they “go missing” or get ruined (cue a lecture on “this is why you don’t buy kids good stuff, because they just ruin it when they play”…but this never happens at our house because, you know, I make sure she’s wearing clothes appropriate for the activity.)

I’ve recently taken to washing the clothes they arrive in and sending them home in those clothes so we keep the stuff we buy and vice versa, but I’ve had feedback that this is “insulting” and “like I don’t trust [their mom]”. So now I’m at a bit of a loss. What does “normal” look like for other people here?

ETA there was a deleted comment suggesting I was being “judgy” that her mom doesn’t buy nice clothes. I typed out a response before the comment got deleted so might as well use it; I’m not judgemental of her approach, and I apologise if it comes off that way.

I do however resent being forcibly held to that same approach, to the detriment of a little girl (who is upset when she can’t find her “nice things” because she wants to feel pretty), not to mention the complete waste of money it represents (which is ironic, given that that is exactly what she says she is trying to take a stance against.)

In general I get along with her very well, and think she’s a great mom, but on this particular topic she is trying to prove a point and I feel that it’s gone too far.

Rant? And asking for advice?

My partner had his child very young. They've coparented well but now the child lives with him full time. Being incredibly young he struggled a lot, but has really made something of himself. I was fine originally with not having my own, but those feelings have changed. I've spoken to him about it, and he just isn't sure he wants to go through it again. I'm trying to just let the relationship be and come back to it after a few months and see if he thinks any differently (was a discussion to really get a final answer of does he want this).

I am struggling. A lot. If he says no, it's really no skin off his back. He already had a child. He already has that family. I do not. I miss out on... Everything about it. And I want that. I am seeing a counsellor but we are yet to come up with coping mechanisms.

This might not be the right page but I'm struggling a lot. Has anyone been in a similar boat? How did you cope? What was the end outcome? If you were the one who changed your mind to a yes, what happened from there?

So nobody in my SO’s family likes BM. I am not wishing this or projecting, she is just generally an unpleasant person. So I never had the worry she would show up at family events. She tried it for the first years to just show up, but she was asked to leave.

BM is dating now and needs a lot of time without her son. We didn’t really notice until MIL let slip she is taking care of SS a lot.

My SO is now pissed of. First off he had rights of first refusal and she never even told him ( because probably she was hoping we wouldn’t know how often she gets rid of SS because she is the first to make a stink if we do anything on our custody time)

Secondly my SO asked MIL to stop helping BM after the last time she was terrible to him. MIL is just a massive people pleaser who can’t say no, so she didn’t want to do that even though she started to complain to us when we rarely do something on our time.

I do not want to get in the middle of this but SO keeps asking my opinion and to back him up to his mother.

I am just asking for more perspective.

My opinion is : BM needs to ask SO first and his mom needs to double check that.
MIL needs to set a boundary if she feels it is too much, but she needs to set that boundary with BM as well. Not just to the easy no manipulation people.
And last, SO can’t stop his mom from helping BM out. She is allowed to do that. My mom if the roles were reversed would be on my side and would tell my ex to go pound sand. And I understand him wanting me hat but it is not happening.

Curious for more perspectives

I’m in such a strange head space which I never thought I’d be in! A few years ago if you’d have asked me if I want a baby I’d have said yes immediately and for a long time it was all I wanted. However fast forward a few years I’m so on the fence even leaning more towards no.

For context my relationship with SS 12 has been strained over the past few years due to HCBM. We went from 50/50 custody to every other weekend. I had to take a step back for my own sanity and now we are really quite distant.

I now find myself dreading that weekend I hate my routine being altered. I hate not having my morning coffee in peace. I hate sitting on the living room and sharing my sofa. I hate all my food being eaten in one sitting. I hate feeling like I have to watch what I say or do. I think I just feel like my house isn’t my own home for a weekend. Now SS really isn’t a bad kid at all I just hate sharing my space all of a sudden.

Is it like this with your own? Does this mean I’m too selfish for my own child and I would have my time/routine being my own… serious confusion.

Did anyone else feel this way?

Hello all! I (34F) and my new partner (32M) have been living together for some time now. Currently my ex husband (33M) and I share 50/50 custody of both our daughter whom is 5 and our son who is 3. Currently we are having trouble with our son who's kinda a picky eater, we had a situation happen today that I will explain.

The transition has been overall smoothly but we are having issues right now with my son. So at 3 soon to be 4 in September he is definitely in the thick of his toddler stage. On weeks that we have them we noticed that he doesn't really eat much during dinner. We tried offering less snacks, and less fluids and his eating is just not very there. He will eat fruit and snacks easy but when it comes to food, there lies the problem.

From my understanding, my ex states he eats fine, what that mean could unfortunately depend since we don't exactly have the best relationship but I keep it civil and short and strictly to the kids. However whenever I ask he says he eats and when I ask what he eats it's usually the same 4 thing's which I've expressed plenty of time that I would like to introduce variety in their diets as I want them to one, be healthy, but also to be open to trying new things. I really want my kids to know all the flavors of wonderful food that's out there and to at least ne comfortable trying things once and if they don't like it that is always perfectly fine.

Their dad seems to understand that but if he actually does it again I can't be for sure so I'm half the time not sure what to do in that aspect but as with everything else I can only control what I do in my household.

My concern now is that it's taking a toll on my current partner and it's making me upset with the dynamic when it comes to dinner time and food.

My partner has been with other single mom's before and has had some experience with kids but my current ones are definitely the youngest and he does not have any kids of his own.

He loves to cook, like loves it, so he's always wanting to make things but keep the kids in mind which I love. Like I said before I want my kids to be able to try everything so that completely works for me and when it comes to planning meals I try to treat it as "let's try it and see how they do".

However, again with my son, there comes the problem. He's very picky as any kid his age, but it also can get very frustrating very quickly and my partner is having a very hard time with it. Today was probably the worst one for sure and it was with an easy meal. Hot dogs and baked beans, now my kids have had hot dogs plenty of times and both have done fine. My daughter liked baked beans last time they were here and so we figured hey why not put them together? Seems easy enough. My partner showed the kid's, look, these are the hot dogs, try one, we cut them up and into the beans they go. Easy peasy, we all get a bowl and sit to eat.

The kids have grown accustomed to having their tablets when they eat (something I personally don't like and am trying to phase out at our household that my ex knows about). So we decided no tablets we are gonna keep watching Adventure time because that was on in the background or we can talk about our day. We try to encourage the kids to eat by asking about the food and then asking about their day. My daughter was eating and my son was trying to pick out only the hot dogs and having a little bit of a hard time.

My partner noticed and tried saying like buddy don't just eat the hot dogs try some of the beans. He nodded but continued to pick out the hot dog but he got one in his mouth and kept it there but said it was yummy. At this point I'm trying to encourage like ok if it's yummy let's you know chew and swallow. My partner agreed and told him to eat his food please. My son continued to just hold the hot dog in his mouth and so to me I was like ok I'll give it a second so I start eating my food. I could tell my partner was watching him and told him again like buddy you have to eat ok.

I want to be very clear that I understand how immensely frustrating this is, but I also have a lot more patience and that is not a bad thing. My partner has never had to deal with a child of this age so I'm not trying to excuse his reason for frustration because I 100% agree but I also believe that as an adult we have to check ourselves when we start to get overwhelmed, which is easier said than done but can be done with practice and A LOT of patience.

My son swallowed the one piece of hot dog after a bit and proceeded to try to pick out the next one. Now at this point my daughter is almost finished with her food so my partner tries asking her about the food and just making conversation to see if it will help. Again buddy is picking around the beans and not really eating but saying "no yuck, it's yummy" but refusing to eat. My partner now visibly getting more irritated is telling him to eat then if it is yummy he needs to eat because he hasn't eaten a lot today, which was true, I try to encourage again but to no avail.

Now at this point is where it kinda goes super south. My son pick up another hot dog and there is one bean on the spoon he's trying to pick off. My partner tells him to eat it, it's hot dogs and beans it's good it's not gonna hurt him to please try it. My son does put the food in his mouth but then proceeds to hold it and start gagging. My daughter freaks out because she hates the sound of vomiting, we tell her it's ok and I ask my son what's wrong to what he says it's yummy but literally spits out the food without caring where it lands so it gets all over him.

I start to clean it up and my partner just looses it. He starts saying it's not that bad like why are you gagging, it's hot dogs and beans like it's nothing bad, we just need you to eat man you never wanna eat dinner, again I completely understand his reason for this but I try to explain like ok listen yes what he is doing isn't cool but I need you to take a second and I'll get him cleaned up and he will have to go to bed then if he won't eat dinner.

My partner clearly upset and frustrated turned to me and just said "get them away from me."

Now again, I am not saying his reaction isn't valid, his response though, I asked him to please take a moment and even told him I understand and you have every right to be upset but please take a second and calm down.

He just tells me again to get the kids away and so I proceed to take them into their room and we start getting ready for bed. Because of this, bedtime wasn't as exciting as it normally is because we usually do the changing and brushing teeth then a story and then a small talk before we say goodnight.

My partner was still very upset about it and like I guess my biggest question is like how do other people deal with this kind of situation?

On the one hand, I can admit that my son was being difficult and that it was an extremely frustrating situation for someone that has not dealt with that before, but on the other because of his age I feel like there is also a line between like yes he's a kid and you are the adult but kid's are frustrating as hell and it's ok to get angry and upset but it's also not ok to lash out and if you need to calm down like please go calm down I got this, it won't be like this forever.

In short, I just would like any advice or perspectives on this because as everyone else on here we are just trying our best for our kids man, it's just hard sometimes.

EDIT: Just wanted to add a couple more things because I'm not making excuses by any means I know for a fact my partners reaction is 100% not ok, I did not feel comfortable with how he handled the situation and what he said. He didn't scream at my son, i would not allow that. This is the first time it got this bad and he was visibly irritated and angry.

This is going on month two of us changing to 50/50 custody wise and almost every night my son won't eat dinner, at first it was more intricate meals but it was my idea to try simple things to get my son to eat more, when he does eat for dinner it's usually the 4 things my ex says he eats which again I completely understand kids go through this phase and it's not ok to rush kids so we have been patient I personally know from experience with my daughter that it takes a while in general so he did over react 100% not denying that.

This was the first time in the two months that this happened, usually if my son doesn't eat I thank him for trying and that it's ok, toddlers in general I've been told many times by different people sometimes won't want to eat and that's ok they will eat when hungry. I wouldn't force feed him ever because that was done to me as a child so I'd never do that.