Sometimes I think about the unhinged things my husband of 27 years said and I am still in shock. After telling him I felt unappreciated for the unbalanced amount of work in our marriage. For reference I worked full time (made more money), had primary responsibility for 3 kids and their activities, special needs son and his school coordination, ran our air bnb, made sure our bills were paid, vacations planned and took care of the house. He shouted while leaving me for another woman, I hope you enjoy mowing the lawn and taking out the trash! I still laugh about that. Bonus - my nephew mowed my yard until the house sold and I rent now so the landlord does it. I have had to take our the trash every week but honestly it's a joy for some reason. What did your ex say/do that was so out of reality you can't help but chuckle?

My parents were in an unhappy marriage and divorced a few weeks after I turned 18. I very much resent them for that decision. It was not pleasant to spend my entire life watching my dad slam the door and leave the house every time my mother “nagged” him and never seeing any indication of love or affection between my parents. I know they believed that waiting until I was an adult benefited me but I would MUCH RATHER have been a child of divorce than an adult who grew up in a household with parents who could not stand each other. The children can always tell and never having an example of love is damaging. I really wish more parents knew that and didn’t just think about the damage that divorce does to a child.., when I think the damage an unhappy marriage does to a child is much worse! What do you all think?? Would love to hear your perspective. Thanks!

My brother in law told me a few months after my divorce was final, kind of gently, that I was still in the old family photos, they just don't send me invites to anything anymore. Nobody sat me down about it. I just noticed the group chat had gone quiet and eventually figured out why. Twenty years of holidays, birthday parties, hospital waiting rooms with that family, and it just faded out without a conversation. I spent a while trying to figure out who to be mad at. My ex, her sister who ran the chat, myself for not fighting to stay in it. None of that actually helped. What finally settled it for me was realizing that family was never really mine, it was hers, and I'd been a welcome guest in it for two decades. When the marriage ended the guest pass ended too. Doesn't feel great to say out loud but it's true.

Anyone else go through this? Not the divorce itself, the quieter loss of the extended family around it. Curious how long it took people to stop checking if they'd been added back to anything.

I’m wondering if anyone else feels this way.
Some days I feel like I’m moving forward, but other days I just end up crying. Is this normal, even after some time has passed? How long did it take for you to stop crying so often?
I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences. Thank you.

Making the decision to leave my ex was hard (though it shouldn't have been) because I was afraid of going back to a life that seemed foreign to me at the time. I was only with my ex for four years but they were brutal. There was definitely love shared between us but now that I'm a year and a half out of the relationship I do not believe the things I endured was actually worth it. Though, I'm here now and better for it.

One of the biggest barriers for taking so long to finally leave was this fear that somehow my life would be a lot worse. I was moving from my own apartment that we shared back into a room in my mom's apartment that isn't as nice and I had to start over (in a new country much less). I was angry and depressed for the first month back. However, slowly I started returning to myself. I got a job that I LOVE after a rocky start at one that I HATED, I started working out and lost 15 lbs to get back to my comfy weight and I grew my social media following by 120,000 followers since I left him (when I would make content at our home I didn't feel comfortable recording around him because he would make certain underhanded comments about this pastime of mine).

And after a rocky start I even started dating. I have had some pretty demoralizing experiences for sure, but I have also had ones that were extremely validating for me and integral to me moving on from the trauma inflicted by my ex in my marriage. Six months into leaving him and still at a higher weight than I was comfortable, I was courted by a man on social media who made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Things didn't work out because I was not ready, but I am eternally grateful for that experience.

I have a great relationship with my mother. I actually never want to leave her apartment after making my bedroom as nice as the apartment I left. I am going to a really fun party with my friends on Friday and the beach on the weekend. There is just so much life left to be lived after divorce. Do not be afraid of leaving. The familiarity of pain, trauma, unhappiness is not worth the chance to be completely unencumbered, free, and hopeful again. This is truly the best period of my life. Hi

I’m so happy. Idk how long this will last but everyday since I wrote that letter to my ex wife after Father’s Day, it has felt like I finally moved on from the final stage.

Just for context: We’ve been together 15 yrs (married 8) and I was trying to fix our marriage since March - she officially wanted the divorce in May and “met” a new guy literally 24hrs after. You be the judge of that 🙄. 2 weeks after that I got laid off from my job.

Since March to now, I’ve been going to therapy, church, listening to audiobooks (specifically Let Them by Mel Robbins and not so much anymore on the audiobooks), and some of you may ask “How did you move on so fast?” There’s still scraps left but I dug into the self work/self discovery religiously. I had no job so I had all the time to really self reflect. I also did not avoid how I was feeling. If I felt happy I recognized it, and if I needed a good cry I let myself grieve. Ive also been experiencing March - July different than everyone else. It feels like a year while everyone has experienced it as 4 months. So that “year” brought a lot of self discovery/growth, I took advantage of every day.

I think acceptance and letting your body go through the process really helped. Having family/friends around also helped and I’m closer to them than I’ve ever been. Dating and meeting new people also helped. Some of you may disagree at the speed at which I started, but it helped open my eyes on what else is out there. Nothing physical, just actually being curious about the other person. It showed me that there are ppl out there who are more compatible and fit my lifestyle. There’s way better out there.

Now I’m focusing on me. Trying to start my own business and working again, fittest I’ve ever been in my life, and open to whoever wants to share their life with me. Overall I’m so happy. It makes me cry tears of joy because I never wanted the divorce and I didn’t know if I could ever smile again. We’re gonna make it. We’re gonna be just fine. I feel like my soul is mine again.

I hope this helps anyone reading this. There’s hope. You’re gonna make it.

Not sure if anyone else experiences this but the quiet moments are what get me. Not the big milestones, not holidays, just random Tuesday evenings when something funny happens and you turn to say something and there is nobody there.

We were together long enough that almost everything had a shared reference. A song, a restaurant, an inside joke about something stupid. Now those things just exist in my head with nowhere to go. It is a weird kind of grief that does not really have a name.

The hard part is that people around me think I should be further along by now. Papers were signed months ago. On paper it looks resolved. But grief does not run on a legal timeline, and I find myself cycling back through moments I thought I was done processing.

What I did not expect was how much of my identity was wrapped up in being part of a unit. Not in a codependent way, just in the ordinary way of two people building a life together. Losing that is its own thing, separate from losing the person.

Curious if others found a point where the random waves of it started spacing out more. Not asking for a fix, just wondering if that shift actually happens.

It’s a lot of work and emotional energy. Tbh, I think I’d rather just die alone.

Is it typical for your divorce attorney to take days to return a phone call or an email for a time sensitive financial issue? I'm finding that mine is either using his paralegal as a gatekeeper or a spin doctor and it's frustrating as hell.

Attorneys - if you have a heavy caseload with court appearances back to back with mediations and trials, please be upfront with your clients about the expectations for return correspondence.

My heart is broken. I’m having a hard time working, daily life routines. My husband of 10+ years told me he wants a divorce few months ago, that he made up his mind. I was so blindsided, I don’t understand why he didn’t speak about his feeling sooner. He said he has resentment towards me and fallen out of love several months before he told me. I think he’s already looking at filing divorce papers and my heart and my mind is struggling right now. I don’t know what to do or how to think. 😞
Here’s a link to a post I’ve made earlier.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/s/mGQnDvTVX1

I know the experts say you should tell the kids together and present a united front that you decided this together. But, what if you didn’t? And it was all one sided and not something you both wanted. I don’t feel that lying and acting like you were totally part of it too is okay. Especially when they’re at the ages they can understand (13 and 16). I honestly don’t know if I can sit beside him and say yes we agreed on this because no tf we didn’t. I honestly feel like he should tell them HE decided this and HE is leaving his family. And I know I need to put my own feelings and emotions to the side but I also can’t look my kids in the eye and tell them this is what I wanted to happen. Help. What do you guys feel is appropriate in this situation?

I have a really close relationship with both of my kids and I know that after the initial shock they will both be asking me questions when he’s not around. (Which is a lot.)I can’t lie to them. I just don’t know how I’m going to handle all of this. I don’t want to turn them against him or totally mess them up. But I don’t want to lie to them.

For context, stbxh of 18 years told me he wants a divorce. My gut says he’s at least talking to another woman, if not having a full blown affair. He refuses to even try to fix anything. Just bam- let’s divorce. Already talking to a lawyer within less than 2 weeks of telling me this. He’s never moved that quickly on anything is his life.

We’re trying to make this as smooth as possible. Uncontested if possible. When we spoke about custody of our kids (15 and 12) he immediately went to 50/50. Which at first I kind of hesitated bc I literally do and have done everything for them their entire lives. He is always working. I’m talking 6am-4pm and then he goes back at 8pm- 12am or later. He also usually does the night time shift on saturdays. So 4-8pm during the week? He wouldn’t be available to get them to or from school? He says “I can tailor my schedule.” Yeah well that’s also what you said when you took this supervisor position 9 years ago and that never happened. Anyway, I let it go.

Then!!!! He tells me his plan is to get a 5th wheel camper because he refuses to buy a house for the current prices and he’s not going to pay 1200-1500 a month for rent for the pos houses they have here. So you want 2 teens to spend a week at a time with you in a f’n camper?!?! One of those being a pre-teen (will be a teen in October) girl?!! Are you f’n serious?? So now I’m thinking I want to fight for primary custody. Why should they suffer in all of this? HE chose this, not me. During a school year in the most difficult transition of a teen girl’s life- she’s going to a new school, junior high. Becoming a teenager. I just hate the thought of her having to go back and forth to a camper. He said “it’s really nice.” Idgaf!!!!!!! Does she have her own room?? It’s not ok. So not only is he not going to be there except for those 4 hours, he’s going to have them in a 5th wheel.

Would you guys fight for primary custody?

Back in 2019 my husband of just over a year decided we needed to separate. We had been in a relationship for 6+ years and we had met shorty before my mother died. I clung to him for everything and refused mental health evaluations and treatments until after moving into my current home. Recently I found out that because of how long we have been apart, I could divorce him without his input. The only problem is I have to have proof that there is no way to find him. He's blocked me from every form of communication, and searching records online hasn't been very helpful do far. What should I do?

My sister is a 34Y female. She was dating a coworker’s brother for about 2 years, and last June he suddenly told her he wanted to get married “for tax purposes” because they would get a bigger refund.
She had just finished nursing school, which was very difficult for her, and her job refused to help accommodate her schedule, so she had to quit after 10 years of service. She used her 401(k) to pay off her debt and start with a clean slate.
Due to the stress, difficulties, and bullying at work, she gave him free rein to manage their finances and added him as an authorized user on her credit cards, which had a $90,000 credit limit. They also bought a car together and both co-signed for it. She was at work at the time, so everything was done over the phone. She has been making the $910 monthly car payment, but she has never asked him how much the insurance costs each month.
They ended up moving in with his parents because of his own $180,000 debt. She says she wasn’t aware of the extent of his financial situation because she was under a lot of stress and has ADHD.
She is staying at our home now and is wondering what she can do. Does anyone have any advice? Other than saying she’s an idiot. Apparently, the guy isn’t an engineer like she believed, but a machine operator, so he doesn’t make as much as she does, she barely got a job and will make 96k a year but she just started. Any advice helps.

*Forgot car is 45k and needs to be refinanced if she wants to keep it, per his sister he can’t afford it.

My husband is precise. He is the type of person you want building your house to perfection or performing heart surgery. Just a very thorough guy. Smart, exacting, and consistent.

Me on the other hand? I am the type who you want reading to your kids, listening to you at brunch, and making art for your living room. I am very patient, laid-back, creative, and expressive.

I recognize I am far from ideal. I am messy and disorganized at times. My husband wants the kitchen island empty. He wants the base boards clean, the yard manicured. He does not want wildflowers. He wants pristine mulched flowerbeds devoid of anything he calls weeds.

I love dandelions.

How did we get together if we are so different? Well, he was nice to me. And I was very forgiving of his issues. He, I suppose, thought I would change in some way and become “more responsible.”

Over the years, I have noticed my own mental health decline. I get no satisfaction from many of my hobbies because I can hear him bitching at me in my head. Even time spent outdoors in my garden, I can hear him complaining about it “looking like shit.” Honestly, I feel a bit sorry for him. I know he likely talks like this to himself about everything. I am never good enough for his standards and neither is he. I have also seen his resentment for me grow. He resents my garden, my houseplants, my inability to keep the home spotless with two young children.

He is also a capitalist through and through. Literally every penny he makes, he wants to reinvest in his business or his properties. He has a hard time seeing the value in any extracurriculars or fun for our family. I have had to argue for every bit of money.

Life just isn’t fun with him. I see value in what he is building financially, but I feel devalued in the process of his worldbuilding.

So I have moved out. He is offering a post-nuptial agreement where he gives me $280 a week in support, plus a $60,000 lump sum of the combined equity I am owed in the event of a separation. He then wants us to have separate finances while married.

I feel like this separation will eventually lead to an amicable divorce. I’m ok with that. I want him to feel in control of his life *without* me “getting in the way”. And I want to feel free to be myself, ie. leave the peanut butter jar on the counter after making a pb&j, leave my art supplies on the craft table, grow flowers from seed without weed fabric, exist without calculating return on investment for every decision.

Wish me luck.

Hey all,

Long time lurker here. Middle 30s couple here and we are amicably separating/divorcing. We have 2 young children (girls) ten and under. We will be nesting for the time being. Does anyone have any tips for breaking the news to the kiddos and the transition period before the divorce is put into action at the end of the summer or beginning of fall?

TYIA

For those of you who managed to assume your mortgage during the divorce, what kind of closing costs did you have to pay? I spoke with someone in the assumptions department at Wells Fargo who told me that the closing costs would be over $23,000 (though for some reason I would get a credit for the cost of my homeowners insurance), which struck me as really high. (It's still potentially worth doing, given that our rate is 2.25% -- with a current balance of around $450k it would take a year and change to make that back relative to what I'd pay with a market rate.) I have no idea how the closing costs are determined, however.

We have been married 15 years. Separated for 6 years but living in same house (her mothers large house) since then. I have been trying to keep this living situation for the sake of kids. I can handle the seperation but need to see my kids every day. They are my whole world. This will really hurt me not seeing my 3 kids everyday and sleeping in same house at night. I have always been the bread winner. My wife worked about 6 months in the 15 years and has been dragging her feet about going back to work. I am guessing she will benefit more in the divorce if she is not working which is maybe why she has been doing this? She wants me to move out now. I no longer get along with her mother who played a big role in things progressing to this point. All my salary goes to the family and has been like that for 15 years. I have asked her to work for years so we can contribute to college funds (way behind) and retirement (so far behind). Kind of lost right now. Should i move out?

My wife (F31)and I (M29)have been struggling on and off for most of our five years together.

I think we would both agree that communication is one of our big issues. Specifically when one or both of us is upset.

She tells me that I need to be the calm to her storm, or phrases to that effect. I can sometimes do that well and other times not so much.

She is definitely a "black and white" thinker which does bother me when I too often hear that I never do this or always do that. Upon talking about it and having to give numerous examples (which usually gets thrown at me as making the situation about myself) she will sometimes concede that its not black and white and she can see the gray.

During our most recent disagreement, she asked if i was mad at her and why. I let her know that i wasnt mad, i love her immensely, but that i was still dealing with emotions from the other night. This really ticked her off because according to her i wasnt being concious of the feelings that she was dealing with and made it about myself.

I take issue with the ways that I'm disrespected. When we disagree or argue, she hurls insults and things I've been open/vulnerable about at me. I have made a point to never throw personal insults at my romantic partner because you can never take those back. She's recently told me that I'm not worth talking to and she doesn't know why she tries.

She has taken off her rings three times in anger. Including once after I told her that the next time would be the last.

I am aware of my own faults and downfalls, I can be stubborn and sometimes it can take me some time to understand where my wife is coming from. But when I do, and realize im in the wrong, i apologize and try to make it right.

Neither of us feels like the other is a safe place to share our feelings.

I'm feeling like our relationship is too chaotic and like itll probably never be a healthy one despite my efforts.

My daughter has also expressed to me that she sometimes wishes that we never met my wife and her daughter, and has told my mom that my wife yells at me a lot.

I want a peaceful home and a happy childhood for our kids and it just feels sp out of reach right now. Im happy to trudge down the road of improvement but i feel like ive been trying to drag my wife down that road with me while she drags her heels.

All marriages cant be like this, right? I get there are hard times and good times, the grass is greener where its watered. Im struggling.

Advice and input appreciated. Thanks for reading regardless.

May make edits and will try to answer comments

Hola, me gustaría solicitar su ayuda para asesoría legal, soy de CDMX, planeo divorciarme ya que mi pareja me engaña con alguien de su trabajo y tenemos una bebé de meses. Nunca me he visto en situaciones de problemas legales, asi que no sé ni por dónde empezar, si pudieran sugerirme a algún abogado se los agradecería. O contarme como suele ser el proceso para saber qué podría esperar sé los agradecería.

My husband claims that he had been unhappy in our relationship for around six months and he wanted to seperate. This doesn’t make sense to me as he was still so romantic and caring. I feel like his head was turned and he couldn’t be a strong enough character to admit that.
He told me that he was just trying to make things ok by doing these things but it just seems like a lot of hassle to do all these things?

Surprised me with a first pressed Fleetwood Mac album also buying little token thoughtful gifts
Hid cute messages saying how much he loved and missed me when he was away with work.
Consistently told me how happy he was in our relationship and telling me he loved me without prompting.
Consistent FaceTiming and texting when apart
Lots of dates and laughing
Literally booked a holiday the month before he asked for a divorce.
He told me he had said to his friend that he needs to just get married to his long term gf like he did with me and he’s happy
Romantic dinners and flowers
Discussing the future and what we want to do this year
I obviously felt so blindsided by all of this due to his behaviour mentioned above. What do you think? Would someone really go through all that effort? if he was actually unhappy surely I’d feel a change in energy and him withdrawing?

My husband is leaving me. Told me today. We have been married 21 years and I am not sure what to say or do or how I feel. I’m just lost.

It’s my fault. I did something that broke his heart and I finding that hard to live with.

I love to read romance books .. the dirtier the better and have been reading them for a while. I got an ad for an app that advertised how you could star in your own romance and I clicked it. The app lets you chat with a virtual person and your responses dictate how the story goes. I was enjoying it - it was fun to make the stories the way I wanted them to be. He says it’s a boyfriend and disgusting snd I broke his trust.

My husband saw the messages and read them - my phone is open as I have nothing to hide. He says I broke his heart and have cheated. He wouldn’t even talk to me to give me a chance to explain it. He says I am sick and disgusting and he wants nothing to do with me ever again.

I am not here to say what I did was wrong or right. I just didn’t see it as cheating or that it would be perceived that way. I’m my view I was just enjoying myself and having fun creating my own stories. I see his view and understand where he is coming from but I didn’t even get the chance to explain what it is to me.

I don’t know what is going to happen. I am just hurting and needed to talk about it..get it out. Am I completely wrong? Is he overreacting? I know he’s hurt and that’s what is killing me the most.

I’m 28 M.

Looking back into the relationship I had with my spouse (6 years enm and 10 years dating prior to that) and I wonder if I misread thing she said or did regarding living the enm lifestyle. I always went out of my way to make sure she was comfortable with any partners of mine or anyone she was with. Her safety and comfort was my priority.

But maybe the times she said “it’s okay, or I’m okay with this don’t worry” or that her boundaries were never being pushed. A few times ofc we did have to talk and discuss personal issues and we did so really well we both thought. So maybe there were more signs where I could’ve acted differently or said something differently, changed something to have made her happy still. But less than a year she has moved on, found new people, a new life without me in it. And now I wonder if it really was my fault.