Sometimes I think about the unhinged things my husband of 27 years said and I am still in shock. After telling him I felt unappreciated for the unbalanced amount of work in our marriage. For reference I worked full time (made more money), had primary responsibility for 3 kids and their activities, special needs son and his school coordination, ran our air bnb, made sure our bills were paid, vacations planned and took care of the house. He shouted while leaving me for another woman, I hope you enjoy mowing the lawn and taking out the trash! I still laugh about that. Bonus - my nephew mowed my yard until the house sold and I rent now so the landlord does it. I have had to take our the trash every week but honestly it's a joy for some reason. What did your ex say/do that was so out of reality you can't help but chuckle?

My brother in law told me a few months after my divorce was final, kind of gently, that I was still in the old family photos, they just don't send me invites to anything anymore. Nobody sat me down about it. I just noticed the group chat had gone quiet and eventually figured out why. Twenty years of holidays, birthday parties, hospital waiting rooms with that family, and it just faded out without a conversation. I spent a while trying to figure out who to be mad at. My ex, her sister who ran the chat, myself for not fighting to stay in it. None of that actually helped. What finally settled it for me was realizing that family was never really mine, it was hers, and I'd been a welcome guest in it for two decades. When the marriage ended the guest pass ended too. Doesn't feel great to say out loud but it's true.

Anyone else go through this? Not the divorce itself, the quieter loss of the extended family around it. Curious how long it took people to stop checking if they'd been added back to anything.

My parents were in an unhappy marriage and divorced a few weeks after I turned 18. I very much resent them for that decision. It was not pleasant to spend my entire life watching my dad slam the door and leave the house every time my mother “nagged” him and never seeing any indication of love or affection between my parents. I know they believed that waiting until I was an adult benefited me but I would MUCH RATHER have been a child of divorce than an adult who grew up in a household with parents who could not stand each other. The children can always tell and never having an example of love is damaging. I really wish more parents knew that and didn’t just think about the damage that divorce does to a child.., when I think the damage an unhappy marriage does to a child is much worse! What do you all think?? Would love to hear your perspective. Thanks!

I’m wondering if anyone else feels this way.
Some days I feel like I’m moving forward, but other days I just end up crying. Is this normal, even after some time has passed? How long did it take for you to stop crying so often?
I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences. Thank you.

I'm noticing a pattern that often when you and (son) talk on FaceTime, and (daughter) is not right there, (son) often comes out stressed and/or anxious looking for her because you sent him.

Forcing him to be "the messenger" is placing him in an adult role as your enforcer, undermines our household rules, creates unnecessary loyalty issues as he feels trapped and uncomfortable with your demands, not to mention the disruptive behavior between (son) and (daughter) as siblings and our household routines.
We have already established that both kids are to be informed when each of us call respectively, during reasonable evening hours after supper and before bedtime.

I hope we both agree that FaceTime with our children needs to be encouraged positively as voluntary on their part, guilt and pressure free, with a duration that makes them feel as comfortable as possible, especially considering what is age appropriate.

My sister is a 34Y female. She was dating a coworker’s brother for about 2 years, and last June he suddenly told her he wanted to get married “for tax purposes” because they would get a bigger refund.
She had just finished nursing school, which was very difficult for her, and her job refused to help accommodate her schedule, so she had to quit after 10 years of service. She used her 401(k) to pay off her debt and start with a clean slate.
Due to the stress, difficulties, and bullying at work, she gave him free rein to manage their finances and added him as an authorized user on her credit cards, which had a $90,000 credit limit. They also bought a car together and both co-signed for it. She was at work at the time, so everything was done over the phone. She has been making the $910 monthly car payment, but she has never asked him how much the insurance costs each month.
They ended up moving in with his parents because of his own $180,000 debt. She says she wasn’t aware of the extent of his financial situation because she was under a lot of stress and has ADHD.
She is staying at our home now and is wondering what she can do. Does anyone have any advice? Other than saying she’s an idiot. Apparently, the guy isn’t an engineer like she believed, but a machine operator, so he doesn’t make as much as she does, she barely got a job and will make 96k a year but she just started. Any advice helps.

*Forgot car is 45k and needs to be refinanced if she wants to keep it, per his sister he can’t afford it.

My husband is precise. He is the type of person you want building your house to perfection or performing heart surgery. Just a very thorough guy. Smart, exacting, and consistent.

Me on the other hand? I am the type who you want reading to your kids, listening to you at brunch, and making art for your living room. I am very patient, laid-back, creative, and expressive.

I recognize I am far from ideal. I am messy and disorganized at times. My husband wants the kitchen island empty. He wants the base boards clean, the yard manicured. He does not want wildflowers. He wants pristine mulched flowerbeds devoid of anything he calls weeds.

I love dandelions.

How did we get together if we are so different? Well, he was nice to me. And I was very forgiving of his issues. He, I suppose, thought I would change in some way and become “more responsible.”

Over the years, I have noticed my own mental health decline. I get no satisfaction from many of my hobbies because I can hear him bitching at me in my head. Even time spent outdoors in my garden, I can hear him complaining about it “looking like shit.” Honestly, I feel a bit sorry for him. I know he likely talks like this to himself about everything. I am never good enough for his standards and neither is he. I have also seen his resentment for me grow. He resents my garden, my houseplants, my inability to keep the home spotless with two young children.

He is also a capitalist through and through. Literally every penny he makes, he wants to reinvest in his business or his properties. He has a hard time seeing the value in any extracurriculars or fun for our family. I have had to argue for every bit of money.

Life just isn’t fun with him. I see value in what he is building financially, but I feel devalued in the process of his worldbuilding.

So I have moved out. He is offering a post-nuptial agreement where he gives me $280 a week in support, plus a $60,000 lump sum of the combined equity I am owed in the event of a separation. He then wants us to have separate finances while married.

I feel like this separation will eventually lead to an amicable divorce. I’m ok with that. I want him to feel in control of his life *without* me “getting in the way”. And I want to feel free to be myself, ie. leave the peanut butter jar on the counter after making a pb&j, leave my art supplies on the craft table, grow flowers from seed without weed fabric, exist without calculating return on investment for every decision.

Wish me luck.

18 months ago today my ex told me they were not happy with the way things were, did not want to do anything to fix them, and wanted a divorce. 6 months ago yesterday I was officially legally free to move on with my life.

I had my dark days. My days of sitting and wondering what was so wrong with me that I wasn’t deserving of love. Of trying to convince myself that there was hope for a happy life in the future, that I would not die alone. Of wracking my brain trying to figure out what life even looked like now and how to make everything work.

Now I look back and count my blessings. My ex decided to give me the house and kids, so I get to live with them and see them almost every day. I have amazing friends and family that rallied around me and continue to have my back. I met an amazing woman a month ago that I can see a future with.

To everyone here that helped me get through that first year and the divorce process, thank you. For holding my hand, and for calling me out when I needed it.

For everyone still in that dark time, keep going. It gets better if you want it to.
We’ve all got your back.

It’s a lot of work and emotional energy. Tbh, I think I’d rather just die alone.

I keep making excuses for him. He’s a beautiful human being and so loving. But he can’t keep a job. We’ve been married for 30+ years and I’ve stood by his side through countless job changes. In the last 15 years, he’s been fired 7 times.

He has severe ADHD and has worked as a senior executive for many organizations. He gets a job and it doesn’t take more than 1 to 2 years for organizations to realize he has no executive functioning skills.

He won’t apply to jobs below VP status, yet ironically I’m buying my own clothes from Walmart.

What do to do when the love of your life fails you terribly?

I’m tired and feel like I deserve better. But I’ve never imagined myself with anyone else.

Is it unreasonable to expect a spouse to keep a job?

Coming up on one month fully separated and two months since she asked for the divorce. She's blocked me on everything. Took our 2 dogs. It's both of their birthdays next week. Today has been really tough. I've been crying on and off all day and having really bad intrusive thoughts. I feel so alone. I just want my family back..

My heart is broken. I’m having a hard time working, daily life routines. My husband of 10+ years told me he wants a divorce few months ago, that he made up his mind. I was so blindsided, I don’t understand why he didn’t speak about his feeling sooner. He said he has resentment towards me and fallen out of love several months before he told me. I think he’s already looking at filing divorce papers and my heart and my mind is struggling right now. I don’t know what to do or how to think. 😞
Here’s a link to a post I’ve made earlier.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/s/mGQnDvTVX1

I’m so happy. Idk how long this will last but everyday since I wrote that letter to my ex wife after Father’s Day, it has felt like I finally moved on from the final stage.

Just for context: We’ve been together 15 yrs (married 8) and I was trying to fix our marriage since March - she officially wanted the divorce in May and “met” a new guy literally 24hrs after. You be the judge of that 🙄. 2 weeks after that I got laid off from my job.

Since March to now, I’ve been going to therapy, church, listening to audiobooks (specifically Let Them by Mel Robbins and not so much anymore on the audiobooks), and some of you may ask “How did you move on so fast?” There’s still scraps left but I dug into the self work/self discovery religiously. I had no job so I had all the time to really self reflect. I also did not avoid how I was feeling. If I felt happy I recognized it, and if I needed a good cry I let myself grieve. Ive also been experiencing March - July different than everyone else. It feels like a year while everyone has experienced it as 4 months. So that “year” brought a lot of self discovery/growth, I took advantage of every day.

I think acceptance and letting your body go through the process really helped. Having family/friends around also helped and I’m closer to them than I’ve ever been. Dating and meeting new people also helped. Some of you may disagree at the speed at which I started, but it helped open my eyes on what else is out there. Nothing physical, just actually being curious about the other person. It showed me that there are ppl out there who are more compatible and fit my lifestyle. There’s way better out there.

Now I’m focusing on me. Trying to start my own business and working again, fittest I’ve ever been in my life, and open to whoever wants to share their life with me. Overall I’m so happy. It makes me cry tears of joy because I never wanted the divorce and I didn’t know if I could ever smile again. We’re gonna make it. We’re gonna be just fine. I feel like my soul is mine again.

I hope this helps anyone reading this. There’s hope. You’re gonna make it.

Hi all. My wife and I (both 43) have been married basically 4 1/2 years. We’ve been physically separated since February- got legally separated since March because we needed to for other reasons. We still kept seeing each other though. Despite our struggles we both wanted it to work. I even went to her dads house with her for Fathers Day with her in the next state over. We got in a fight shortly after and stopped talking for a week or so, at which point she put in the paperwork to finalize the divorce on 7/1. We continued to talk until at least 7/7. We even had plans to meet up and have sex that night but got into an argument and since then have basically only communicated about logistical things. I opened the dating apps about a week ago because I was feeling desperate and lonely and really just wanting to feel loved again. I’ve been talking to a few women but only surface level things because I’m honestly not even sure I have the capacity to date again. She left for vacation with her mom and daughter 2 nights ago. Last night she texts me saying how she’s miserable there because tropical vacations are our thing and it doesn’t feel right. She accused me of going on the apps which I admitted to and she immediately says she’s been seeing someone. She doesn’t call it dating but said she’s been out with him 5 times and goes home and cries. She also says she’s only kissed him. This means she’s been seeing him for weeks. Even since we last were being flirty with each other. And now I’m beyond gutted. I just feel hollow and empty. It’s now after 6 am and I literally never fell asleep last night. And I wish I could stop obsessing. I don’t know how make this pain go away.

Me and my husband are currently going through a divorce. I’m the one who asked for it and there is so much I could say but long story short my needs were just being neglected and he became a whole different person. He started being more mean to me and spending less time with me. A couple months ago I found that he was hiding a lot from me including interacting with inappropriate content online. When I confronted him he lied and even when I forgave him and tried to move past it he continued lying and actually started to blame me for my behavior.

I tried to give him a second chance but he genuinely started changing for the worst and became too controlling. I sat him down and had a very long talk with him about how I feel and that I think divorce would be the best choice because I can’t keep being miserable at a young age. I told him I didn’t want him to change my mind and I just wanted to discuss things but he refused since, ‘there’s no point of talking if he couldn’t change my mind’.

Ever since that night we barely spoke and when we did we would argue which led me to just not wanting to talk. He started ignoring me because I didn’t want to argue. I had a flight booked this upcoming weekend to go back home and I was just trying to get through the week with no issues while preparing to leave peacefully. This morning, he barged into my room while I was sleeping and asked to see my phone in which I said no. I’ll be honest, I have absolutely nothing to hide but we are past the point of looking through phones or overthinking about what the other person is doing (been there, done that).

He started raising his voice and started getting aggressive because I wouldn’t show him my phone. What he was wanting to see is if I’m talking to the men I recently followed (2 of my old friends that I removed out of respect for him). He then started calling me a cheater and started cussing me out and told me that if I’m gonna talk to men in his apartment (he’s paying the bills atm) that I could leave today instead of this weekend. I said that’s fine because I know I’m not a cheater and if we’re going through a divorce and he’s not speaking to me that nothing in my phone concerns him anymore.

He gave me a deadline to leave the apartment and to pack my bags and take my car (he said he would ship it out for me before all of this). When I told my family they were absolutely baffled and told me to leave that apartment asap before he escalates things more. I’m now at my in laws and have no idea what I should do. Can anyone give me advice please?

For context, stbxh of 18 years told me he wants a divorce. My gut says he’s at least talking to another woman, if not having a full blown affair. He refuses to even try to fix anything. Just bam- let’s divorce. Already talking to a lawyer within less than 2 weeks of telling me this. He’s never moved that quickly on anything is his life.

We’re trying to make this as smooth as possible. Uncontested if possible. When we spoke about custody of our kids (15 and 12) he immediately went to 50/50. Which at first I kind of hesitated bc I literally do and have done everything for them their entire lives. He is always working. I’m talking 6am-4pm and then he goes back at 8pm- 12am or later. He also usually does the night time shift on saturdays. So 4-8pm during the week? He wouldn’t be available to get them to or from school? He says “I can tailor my schedule.” Yeah well that’s also what you said when you took this supervisor position 9 years ago and that never happened. Anyway, I let it go.

Then!!!! He tells me his plan is to get a 5th wheel camper because he refuses to buy a house for the current prices and he’s not going to pay 1200-1500 a month for rent for the pos houses they have here. So you want 2 teens to spend a week at a time with you in a f’n camper?!?! One of those being a pre-teen (will be a teen in October) girl?!! Are you f’n serious?? So now I’m thinking I want to fight for primary custody. Why should they suffer in all of this? HE chose this, not me. During a school year in the most difficult transition of a teen girl’s life- she’s going to a new school, junior high. Becoming a teenager. I just hate the thought of her having to go back and forth to a camper. He said “it’s really nice.” Idgaf!!!!!!! Does she have her own room?? It’s not ok. So not only is he not going to be there except for those 4 hours, he’s going to have them in a 5th wheel.

Would you guys fight for primary custody?

Is it typical for your divorce attorney to take days to return a phone call or an email for a time sensitive financial issue? I'm finding that mine is either using his paralegal as a gatekeeper or a spin doctor and it's frustrating as hell.

Attorneys - if you have a heavy caseload with court appearances back to back with mediations and trials, please be upfront with your clients about the expectations for return correspondence.

I left him before she was born. I literally ran to another state. Years later, she goes to a good school, has a good home but it’s just the two of us. She wants a dad and siblings. Me: I want companionship as well. However, cannot imagine letting a man into my home. Most of the men in my area are business professionals, well connected and rich. The type to get away with “murder”.
I keep imagining everything that could go wrong. What if I let the wrong person in? I have survived every pain but I could not possibly allow anyone to hurt her.
I also know that it is social death for us if I remain single parent household in this area. What do I do? And how are other people moving on/ remarrying so quickly?

Not sure if anyone else experiences this but the quiet moments are what get me. Not the big milestones, not holidays, just random Tuesday evenings when something funny happens and you turn to say something and there is nobody there.

We were together long enough that almost everything had a shared reference. A song, a restaurant, an inside joke about something stupid. Now those things just exist in my head with nowhere to go. It is a weird kind of grief that does not really have a name.

The hard part is that people around me think I should be further along by now. Papers were signed months ago. On paper it looks resolved. But grief does not run on a legal timeline, and I find myself cycling back through moments I thought I was done processing.

What I did not expect was how much of my identity was wrapped up in being part of a unit. Not in a codependent way, just in the ordinary way of two people building a life together. Losing that is its own thing, separate from losing the person.

Curious if others found a point where the random waves of it started spacing out more. Not asking for a fix, just wondering if that shift actually happens.

I know the experts say you should tell the kids together and present a united front that you decided this together. But, what if you didn’t? And it was all one sided and not something you both wanted. I don’t feel that lying and acting like you were totally part of it too is okay. Especially when they’re at the ages they can understand (13 and 16). I honestly don’t know if I can sit beside him and say yes we agreed on this because no tf we didn’t. I honestly feel like he should tell them HE decided this and HE is leaving his family. And I know I need to put my own feelings and emotions to the side but I also can’t look my kids in the eye and tell them this is what I wanted to happen. Help. What do you guys feel is appropriate in this situation?

I have a really close relationship with both of my kids and I know that after the initial shock they will both be asking me questions when he’s not around. (Which is a lot.)I can’t lie to them. I just don’t know how I’m going to handle all of this. I don’t want to turn them against him or totally mess them up. But I don’t want to lie to them.

And well I think I’m too broken and people don’t want me. So what’s up guys how and where do we take it from this realization?

I’m thinking of just starting my life solo minded and just do me. I want to shed my past completely and I’m thinking of starting fresh and letting go of even all the people I know from this time in my life and just finding new people. I want to let go of this and just start completely fresh.

Has anyone here done that?

Back in 2019 my husband of just over a year decided we needed to separate. We had been in a relationship for 6+ years and we had met shorty before my mother died. I clung to him for everything and refused mental health evaluations and treatments until after moving into my current home. Recently I found out that because of how long we have been apart, I could divorce him without his input. The only problem is I have to have proof that there is no way to find him. He's blocked me from every form of communication, and searching records online hasn't been very helpful do far. What should I do?

Hey all,

Long time lurker here. Middle 30s couple here and we are amicably separating/divorcing. We have 2 young children (girls) ten and under. We will be nesting for the time being. Does anyone have any tips for breaking the news to the kiddos and the transition period before the divorce is put into action at the end of the summer or beginning of fall?

TYIA

This might sound like a rant but looking for actual advice. Would love women’s and men’s perspectives other than marriage is terrible and a scam.

my wife(35f) and I (40m) have been married 3 years anniversary was 3 weeks ago.

she has not had a job in the time we have been married and I pay for everything which is something that upsets me. she also wants to wait to have kids until she has a job and worked there for a while.

she also is also on a green card visa and is depressed because of the job situation.

Monday she called the cops on me because we had a big argument. now I cant go back to the home I owned before she moved in. I told her I wanted her out of my home

it has been 2 days. 1st day I was in shock it was a simple argument.

day 2 I went to court and they filed a restraining order against me.

1st couple days I was furious felt like she used me and set me up. looked at small things in the past and that was the narrative.

3rd day I can’t sleep thinking omg she is alone with no family here and she thinks everyone she cares about just abounded her and her status in the country. Not to mention she probably now has people telling her the same things I am hearing about how I am hitler or something.

with a clearer head and speaking to unrelated friends wives. they gave me a different perspective and one where she isn’t the joker and trying to kill me.

the lawyers keep trying to paint her a certain way and hey it will be better for me in the long run. she is terrible and I can do better.

speaking to someone who was not family or wanting a ton of money from me as well as a few days to think about it.

I want to talk to her but am not allowed. We should probably be couple therapy. my wife changed maybe a year ago because she thought I was cheating on her I work 10+ hours a day and sometimes would stop at the mall to just walk around and clear my head for 1/2 an hour. After that she changed. I thought she was just depressed about the job and was looking for something to be mad about.

at the very least would make the divorce less testy

since I am not allowed to talk to her I told my siblings and Their wives to not contact her because it could be bad for me. But now I am thinking it can be a olive branch or for her to know hey you are cared about.

For those of you who managed to assume your mortgage during the divorce, what kind of closing costs did you have to pay? I spoke with someone in the assumptions department at Wells Fargo who told me that the closing costs would be over $23,000 (though for some reason I would get a credit for the cost of my homeowners insurance), which struck me as really high. (It's still potentially worth doing, given that our rate is 2.25% -- with a current balance of around $450k it would take a year and change to make that back relative to what I'd pay with a market rate.) I have no idea how the closing costs are determined, however.