Sometimes I think about the unhinged things my husband of 27 years said and I am still in shock. After telling him I felt unappreciated for the unbalanced amount of work in our marriage. For reference I worked full time (made more money), had primary responsibility for 3 kids and their activities, special needs son and his school coordination, ran our air bnb, made sure our bills were paid, vacations planned and took care of the house. He shouted while leaving me for another woman, I hope you enjoy mowing the lawn and taking out the trash! I still laugh about that. Bonus - my nephew mowed my yard until the house sold and I rent now so the landlord does it. I have had to take our the trash every week but honestly it's a joy for some reason. What did your ex say/do that was so out of reality you can't help but chuckle?

My parents were in an unhappy marriage and divorced a few weeks after I turned 18. I very much resent them for that decision. It was not pleasant to spend my entire life watching my dad slam the door and leave the house every time my mother “nagged” him and never seeing any indication of love or affection between my parents. I know they believed that waiting until I was an adult benefited me but I would MUCH RATHER have been a child of divorce than an adult who grew up in a household with parents who could not stand each other. The children can always tell and never having an example of love is damaging. I really wish more parents knew that and didn’t just think about the damage that divorce does to a child.., when I think the damage an unhappy marriage does to a child is much worse! What do you all think?? Would love to hear your perspective. Thanks!

My brother in law told me a few months after my divorce was final, kind of gently, that I was still in the old family photos, they just don't send me invites to anything anymore. Nobody sat me down about it. I just noticed the group chat had gone quiet and eventually figured out why. Twenty years of holidays, birthday parties, hospital waiting rooms with that family, and it just faded out without a conversation. I spent a while trying to figure out who to be mad at. My ex, her sister who ran the chat, myself for not fighting to stay in it. None of that actually helped. What finally settled it for me was realizing that family was never really mine, it was hers, and I'd been a welcome guest in it for two decades. When the marriage ended the guest pass ended too. Doesn't feel great to say out loud but it's true.

Anyone else go through this? Not the divorce itself, the quieter loss of the extended family around it. Curious how long it took people to stop checking if they'd been added back to anything.

Coming up on one month fully separated and two months since she asked for the divorce. She's blocked me on everything. Took our 2 dogs. It's both of their birthdays next week. Today has been really tough. I've been crying on and off all day and having really bad intrusive thoughts. I feel so alone. I just want my family back..

I’m wondering if anyone else feels this way.
Some days I feel like I’m moving forward, but other days I just end up crying. Is this normal, even after some time has passed? How long did it take for you to stop crying so often?
I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences. Thank you.

It’s a lot of work and emotional energy. Tbh, I think I’d rather just die alone.

Me and my husband are currently going through a divorce. I’m the one who asked for it and there is so much I could say but long story short my needs were just being neglected and he became a whole different person. He started being more mean to me and spending less time with me. A couple months ago I found that he was hiding a lot from me including interacting with inappropriate content online. When I confronted him he lied and even when I forgave him and tried to move past it he continued lying and actually started to blame me for my behavior.

I tried to give him a second chance but he genuinely started changing for the worst and became too controlling. I sat him down and had a very long talk with him about how I feel and that I think divorce would be the best choice because I can’t keep being miserable at a young age. I told him I didn’t want him to change my mind and I just wanted to discuss things but he refused since, ‘there’s no point of talking if he couldn’t change my mind’.

Ever since that night we barely spoke and when we did we would argue which led me to just not wanting to talk. He started ignoring me because I didn’t want to argue. I had a flight booked this upcoming weekend to go back home and I was just trying to get through the week with no issues while preparing to leave peacefully. This morning, he barged into my room while I was sleeping and asked to see my phone in which I said no. I’ll be honest, I have absolutely nothing to hide but we are past the point of looking through phones or overthinking about what the other person is doing (been there, done that).

He started raising his voice and started getting aggressive because I wouldn’t show him my phone. What he was wanting to see is if I’m talking to the men I recently followed (2 of my old friends that I removed out of respect for him). He then started calling me a cheater and started cussing me out and told me that if I’m gonna talk to men in his apartment (he’s paying the bills atm) that I could leave today instead of this weekend. I said that’s fine because I know I’m not a cheater and if we’re going through a divorce and he’s not speaking to me that nothing in my phone concerns him anymore.

He gave me a deadline to leave the apartment and to pack my bags and take my car (he said he would ship it out for me before all of this). When I told my family they were absolutely baffled and told me to leave that apartment asap before he escalates things more. I’m now at my in laws and have no idea what I should do. Can anyone give me advice please?

My sister is a 34Y female. She was dating a coworker’s brother for about 2 years, and last June he suddenly told her he wanted to get married “for tax purposes” because they would get a bigger refund.
She had just finished nursing school, which was very difficult for her, and her job refused to help accommodate her schedule, so she had to quit after 10 years of service. She used her 401(k) to pay off her debt and start with a clean slate.
Due to the stress, difficulties, and bullying at work, she gave him free rein to manage their finances and added him as an authorized user on her credit cards, which had a $90,000 credit limit. They also bought a car together and both co-signed for it. She was at work at the time, so everything was done over the phone. She has been making the $910 monthly car payment, but she has never asked him how much the insurance costs each month.
They ended up moving in with his parents because of his own $180,000 debt. She says she wasn’t aware of the extent of his financial situation because she was under a lot of stress and has ADHD.
She is staying at our home now and is wondering what she can do. Does anyone have any advice? Other than saying she’s an idiot. Apparently, the guy isn’t an engineer like she believed, but a machine operator, so he doesn’t make as much as she does, she barely got a job and will make 96k a year but she just started. Any advice helps.

*Forgot car is 45k and needs to be refinanced if she wants to keep it, per his sister he can’t afford it.

For context, stbxh of 18 years told me he wants a divorce. My gut says he’s at least talking to another woman, if not having a full blown affair. He refuses to even try to fix anything. Just bam- let’s divorce. Already talking to a lawyer within less than 2 weeks of telling me this. He’s never moved that quickly on anything is his life.

We’re trying to make this as smooth as possible. Uncontested if possible. When we spoke about custody of our kids (15 and 12) he immediately went to 50/50. Which at first I kind of hesitated bc I literally do and have done everything for them their entire lives. He is always working. I’m talking 6am-4pm and then he goes back at 8pm- 12am or later. He also usually does the night time shift on saturdays. So 4-8pm during the week? He wouldn’t be available to get them to or from school? He says “I can tailor my schedule.” Yeah well that’s also what you said when you took this supervisor position 9 years ago and that never happened. Anyway, I let it go.

Then!!!! He tells me his plan is to get a 5th wheel camper because he refuses to buy a house for the current prices and he’s not going to pay 1200-1500 a month for rent for the pos houses they have here. So you want 2 teens to spend a week at a time with you in a f’n camper?!?! One of those being a pre-teen (will be a teen in October) girl?!! Are you f’n serious?? So now I’m thinking I want to fight for primary custody. Why should they suffer in all of this? HE chose this, not me. During a school year in the most difficult transition of a teen girl’s life- she’s going to a new school, junior high. Becoming a teenager. I just hate the thought of her having to go back and forth to a camper. He said “it’s really nice.” Idgaf!!!!!!! Does she have her own room?? It’s not ok. So not only is he not going to be there except for those 4 hours, he’s going to have them in a 5th wheel.

Would you guys fight for primary custody?

I’m so happy. Idk how long this will last but everyday since I wrote that letter to my ex wife after Father’s Day, it has felt like I finally moved on from the final stage.

Just for context: We’ve been together 15 yrs (married 8) and I was trying to fix our marriage since March - she officially wanted the divorce in May and “met” a new guy literally 24hrs after. You be the judge of that 🙄. 2 weeks after that I got laid off from my job.

Since March to now, I’ve been going to therapy, church, listening to audiobooks (specifically Let Them by Mel Robbins and not so much anymore on the audiobooks), and some of you may ask “How did you move on so fast?” There’s still scraps left but I dug into the self work/self discovery religiously. I had no job so I had all the time to really self reflect. I also did not avoid how I was feeling. If I felt happy I recognized it, and if I needed a good cry I let myself grieve. Ive also been experiencing March - July different than everyone else. It feels like a year while everyone has experienced it as 4 months. So that “year” brought a lot of self discovery/growth, I took advantage of every day.

I think acceptance and letting your body go through the process really helped. Having family/friends around also helped and I’m closer to them than I’ve ever been. Dating and meeting new people also helped. Some of you may disagree at the speed at which I started, but it helped open my eyes on what else is out there. Nothing physical, just actually being curious about the other person. It showed me that there are ppl out there who are more compatible and fit my lifestyle. There’s way better out there.

Now I’m focusing on me. Trying to start my own business and working again, fittest I’ve ever been in my life, and open to whoever wants to share their life with me. Overall I’m so happy. It makes me cry tears of joy because I never wanted the divorce and I didn’t know if I could ever smile again. We’re gonna make it. We’re gonna be just fine. I feel like my soul is mine again.

I hope this helps anyone reading this. There’s hope. You’re gonna make it.

Not sure if anyone else experiences this but the quiet moments are what get me. Not the big milestones, not holidays, just random Tuesday evenings when something funny happens and you turn to say something and there is nobody there.

We were together long enough that almost everything had a shared reference. A song, a restaurant, an inside joke about something stupid. Now those things just exist in my head with nowhere to go. It is a weird kind of grief that does not really have a name.

The hard part is that people around me think I should be further along by now. Papers were signed months ago. On paper it looks resolved. But grief does not run on a legal timeline, and I find myself cycling back through moments I thought I was done processing.

What I did not expect was how much of my identity was wrapped up in being part of a unit. Not in a codependent way, just in the ordinary way of two people building a life together. Losing that is its own thing, separate from losing the person.

Curious if others found a point where the random waves of it started spacing out more. Not asking for a fix, just wondering if that shift actually happens.

Is it typical for your divorce attorney to take days to return a phone call or an email for a time sensitive financial issue? I'm finding that mine is either using his paralegal as a gatekeeper or a spin doctor and it's frustrating as hell.

Attorneys - if you have a heavy caseload with court appearances back to back with mediations and trials, please be upfront with your clients about the expectations for return correspondence.

My husband is precise. He is the type of person you want building your house to perfection or performing heart surgery. Just a very thorough guy. Smart, exacting, and consistent.

Me on the other hand? I am the type who you want reading to your kids, listening to you at brunch, and making art for your living room. I am very patient, laid-back, creative, and expressive.

I recognize I am far from ideal. I am messy and disorganized at times. My husband wants the kitchen island empty. He wants the base boards clean, the yard manicured. He does not want wildflowers. He wants pristine mulched flowerbeds devoid of anything he calls weeds.

I love dandelions.

How did we get together if we are so different? Well, he was nice to me. And I was very forgiving of his issues. He, I suppose, thought I would change in some way and become “more responsible.”

Over the years, I have noticed my own mental health decline. I get no satisfaction from many of my hobbies because I can hear him bitching at me in my head. Even time spent outdoors in my garden, I can hear him complaining about it “looking like shit.” Honestly, I feel a bit sorry for him. I know he likely talks like this to himself about everything. I am never good enough for his standards and neither is he. I have also seen his resentment for me grow. He resents my garden, my houseplants, my inability to keep the home spotless with two young children.

He is also a capitalist through and through. Literally every penny he makes, he wants to reinvest in his business or his properties. He has a hard time seeing the value in any extracurriculars or fun for our family. I have had to argue for every bit of money.

Life just isn’t fun with him. I see value in what he is building financially, but I feel devalued in the process of his worldbuilding.

So I have moved out. He is offering a post-nuptial agreement where he gives me $280 a week in support, plus a $60,000 lump sum of the combined equity I am owed in the event of a separation. He then wants us to have separate finances while married.

I feel like this separation will eventually lead to an amicable divorce. I’m ok with that. I want him to feel in control of his life *without* me “getting in the way”. And I want to feel free to be myself, ie. leave the peanut butter jar on the counter after making a pb&j, leave my art supplies on the craft table, grow flowers from seed without weed fabric, exist without calculating return on investment for every decision.

Wish me luck.

My heart is broken. I’m having a hard time working, daily life routines. My husband of 10+ years told me he wants a divorce few months ago, that he made up his mind. I was so blindsided, I don’t understand why he didn’t speak about his feeling sooner. He said he has resentment towards me and fallen out of love several months before he told me. I think he’s already looking at filing divorce papers and my heart and my mind is struggling right now. I don’t know what to do or how to think. 😞
Here’s a link to a post I’ve made earlier.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/s/mGQnDvTVX1

I know the experts say you should tell the kids together and present a united front that you decided this together. But, what if you didn’t? And it was all one sided and not something you both wanted. I don’t feel that lying and acting like you were totally part of it too is okay. Especially when they’re at the ages they can understand (13 and 16). I honestly don’t know if I can sit beside him and say yes we agreed on this because no tf we didn’t. I honestly feel like he should tell them HE decided this and HE is leaving his family. And I know I need to put my own feelings and emotions to the side but I also can’t look my kids in the eye and tell them this is what I wanted to happen. Help. What do you guys feel is appropriate in this situation?

I have a really close relationship with both of my kids and I know that after the initial shock they will both be asking me questions when he’s not around. (Which is a lot.)I can’t lie to them. I just don’t know how I’m going to handle all of this. I don’t want to turn them against him or totally mess them up. But I don’t want to lie to them.

Back in 2019 my husband of just over a year decided we needed to separate. We had been in a relationship for 6+ years and we had met shorty before my mother died. I clung to him for everything and refused mental health evaluations and treatments until after moving into my current home. Recently I found out that because of how long we have been apart, I could divorce him without his input. The only problem is I have to have proof that there is no way to find him. He's blocked me from every form of communication, and searching records online hasn't been very helpful do far. What should I do?

I can't even explain how my heart is breaking right now. I need advice on how to handle this, please.

I don't want to give many details because I don't want him to identify this. But we've had a lot of issues, especially considering it's only been a year, and I know that the divorce is coming. I lost my job recently, and I've been so depressed and with this it's just all piling on.

I know l've made so many mistakes, but | just can't believe this is it. I really thought this would be forever; we've only discussed it for now, we do tend to have pretty explosive arguments but he said we'd think about it in the morning which we've never said before. I don't want any of this to be happening, and I can't just undo it. I can't turn back the clock and make everything okay again, but I want to so much.

This sounds childish, but I'm terrified. My life has derailed and I don't think I have the strength to survive this. I don't know if I can take another fall.

I don't know how to be okay with any of this.

Hey all,

Long time lurker here. Middle 30s couple here and we are amicably separating/divorcing. We have 2 young children (girls) ten and under. We will be nesting for the time being. Does anyone have any tips for breaking the news to the kiddos and the transition period before the divorce is put into action at the end of the summer or beginning of fall?

TYIA

So far me and my STBXW have been amicable. For context we’ve been split for over a month, the first part of which we were living in the house together with our 3 kids(8,6, and 11 months). For the past few weeks we’ve been taking turns in the house with the kids, while the other stays somewhere else. Last weekend was the first weekend we would be trying this strategy, and it was going to be my weekend with them. We decided to tell them last Friday right before my weekend started. It was very rough telling them but the weekend was actually amazing, I enjoyed so much the time with them, and everything went great. So fast forward to today, she tells me she is working Saturday and Sunday and asks if I can be in the house and watch the kids while she’s at work. I say of course, secretly happy for the extra time I’ll get with them. Then this afternoon when I get to the house for my night with them she tells me she’s going out with friends on Friday night. She tells me she’s asked her mother to watch them so she can go out. I tell her not to bother, I’ll watch them and leave to go stay somewhere else when she gets home. But what I didn’t say is I’m disgusted and appalled. These kids found out less than a week ago their lives are being up-ended, and you’re already going to be gone most of the weekend. IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR FIRST WEEKEND WITH THEM! Not to mention you had all of last weekend to go do whatever you want. This whole situation was her idea, she wanted the split. I can accept that she doesn’t want to be with me, I’m at peace with it, but the absolute lack of any perspective or caring about OUR KIDS. I don’t need or want anything from her and I don’t care what she does, but I do need her to be there for THEM. I don’t know what to do other than just be there, my friends and family are telling me not to volunteer to take them, that she’s taking advantage of me but I WANT to. I want to spend as much time with them as I can, I want to be there. I don’t understand how she can not see that they need her too. I’ve known for a long time that she prioritized herself over me, but I can’t wrap my head around this. How do I proceed? Do I say something, do I stay quiet and take all the time I can get? I just don’t know.

For those of you who managed to assume your mortgage during the divorce, what kind of closing costs did you have to pay? I spoke with someone in the assumptions department at Wells Fargo who told me that the closing costs would be over $23,000 (though for some reason I would get a credit for the cost of my homeowners insurance), which struck me as really high. (It's still potentially worth doing, given that our rate is 2.25% -- with a current balance of around $450k it would take a year and change to make that back relative to what I'd pay with a market rate.) I have no idea how the closing costs are determined, however.

I've been with my husband since I was 18. I'm 34 now. When we met, he was very persistent, and my mom was in an abusive marriage and they were raging alcoholics. 4 months later I moved in with my husband to escape. Then 8 months after that we moved across the country to live with his parent in a state where I knew no one. We fought all the time, and I was so unhappy. I called my mom begging to come home and she said that I had made a commitment and needed to stick to it. So I did. I stopped fighting, I buried a lot of myself, and I tried to be happy. We moved back to our home state 10 years ago and the fighting started again, but calmed eventually. Then I was about to graduate from college and we were told a young family member was being given up because she was "too difficult." I said we weren't ready for a kid let alone a traumatized one but if no one could take her I'd postpone career to be her stay at home parent. Well, no one could take her. Cut forward a few months and his father told me he was so glad my husband called and begged him not to try for custody. Then we had the traumatized kid, covid happened, and we got pregnant. Our baby is a young child, and I am so unhappy. But I have no work experience, and I hate the thought of taking my baby out of his home and our now-17-year old is in her last year of school so I hate to interrupt her too. But we have been to therapy together and he only changed long enough to get what he wanted and we were right back to square one. And i can't find the love anymore. I can't be attracted to him. It feels like there is a layer of plastic between us when we hugged and it's so bad I feel touch starved. But. The. Kids. How do you start over? How do you blow up your kids' lives?

We have been married 15 years. Separated for 6 years but living in same house (her mothers large house) since then. I have been trying to keep this living situation for the sake of kids. I can handle the seperation but need to see my kids every day. They are my whole world. This will really hurt me not seeing my 3 kids everyday and sleeping in same house at night. I have always been the bread winner. My wife worked about 6 months in the 15 years and has been dragging her feet about going back to work. I am guessing she will benefit more in the divorce if she is not working which is maybe why she has been doing this? She wants me to move out now. I no longer get along with her mother who played a big role in things progressing to this point. All my salary goes to the family and has been like that for 15 years. I have asked her to work for years so we can contribute to college funds (way behind) and retirement (so far behind). Kind of lost right now. Should i move out?

My wife (F31)and I (M29)have been struggling on and off for most of our five years together.

I think we would both agree that communication is one of our big issues. Specifically when one or both of us is upset.

She tells me that I need to be the calm to her storm, or phrases to that effect. I can sometimes do that well and other times not so much.

She is definitely a "black and white" thinker which does bother me when I too often hear that I never do this or always do that. Upon talking about it and having to give numerous examples (which usually gets thrown at me as making the situation about myself) she will sometimes concede that its not black and white and she can see the gray.

During our most recent disagreement, she asked if i was mad at her and why. I let her know that i wasnt mad, i love her immensely, but that i was still dealing with emotions from the other night. This really ticked her off because according to her i wasnt being concious of the feelings that she was dealing with and made it about myself.

I take issue with the ways that I'm disrespected. When we disagree or argue, she hurls insults and things I've been open/vulnerable about at me. I have made a point to never throw personal insults at my romantic partner because you can never take those back. She's recently told me that I'm not worth talking to and she doesn't know why she tries.

She has taken off her rings three times in anger. Including once after I told her that the next time would be the last.

I am aware of my own faults and downfalls, I can be stubborn and sometimes it can take me some time to understand where my wife is coming from. But when I do, and realize im in the wrong, i apologize and try to make it right.

Neither of us feels like the other is a safe place to share our feelings.

I'm feeling like our relationship is too chaotic and like itll probably never be a healthy one despite my efforts.

My daughter has also expressed to me that she sometimes wishes that we never met my wife and her daughter, and has told my mom that my wife yells at me a lot.

I want a peaceful home and a happy childhood for our kids and it just feels sp out of reach right now. Im happy to trudge down the road of improvement but i feel like ive been trying to drag my wife down that road with me while she drags her heels.

All marriages cant be like this, right? I get there are hard times and good times, the grass is greener where its watered. Im struggling.

Advice and input appreciated. Thanks for reading regardless.

May make edits and will try to answer comments