We have been together for 8 years and have been married for nearly 4. 3 girls, ages 13, 15, 17. He is 41 and I am 38. We have them every other weekend and for a month in the summer (currently).

I’m tired of him treating me like he is the director and I am the manager in this marriage. I flag things to him about my SDs, and he gets frustrated that he has to address it with them himself (because it’s my issue, not his) instead of me just taking care of it for him. I explained that it’s his biological kids, and that it’s his job to parent them. He gets defensive and frustrated, especially when he feels he’s already handled it. If I try to handle it minimally, he complains that I’m not doing it right and tries to “teach me” or get me to “learn” how to do things. I point out that he would get upset with me if I handled things my way instead of considering his feelings on the matter, and I also tell him I’m frustrated that we can’t communicate without him getting this way, but we just end up in a big disagreement and I’m always the one in the wrong.

I really feel like my marriage is disintegrating. I don’t know that we will make it. I love him, but I’m terribly unhappy when it comes to his kids.

Back in April SS 9M SA'd his younger cousin 5M. My SO and I have 2 kids together 2M and 11 months F. We have been together since SS was 2. Mine and SS relationship has never been great thanks to his mother and her family. But now I just don't want him around my kids at all. I love my SO and don't want to break our family up over this. But I don't know what else to do. I want to protect my kids and I don't know how else to protect them other than them having no contact with him. Obviously that isn't possible with the current situation. We have SS 2 nights once a fortnight. SS now sleeps in our room and is no longer around when our babies are showering. But I am still unsettled and on edge when he's here.

What do I do? Has anyone else been in this situation? Please help

How do you handle keeping clothes straight between each house, if at all?

This is a slightly hot button issue in our situation as the kids’ mom is a real down to earth tomboy, but my stepdaughter is very girly (and so am I.) Her mom thinks this is a bit of a moral failing and exclusively dresses her in secondhand clothes/tells her she shouldn’t care about clothes beyond function.

So I buy her nice clothes that she likes, but if these go back to her mom’s house they “go missing” or get ruined (cue a lecture on “this is why you don’t buy kids good stuff, because they just ruin it when they play”…but this never happens at our house because, you know, I make sure she’s wearing clothes appropriate for the activity.)

I’ve recently taken to washing the clothes they arrive in and sending them home in those clothes so we keep the stuff we buy and vice versa, but I’ve had feedback that this is “insulting” and “like I don’t trust [their mom]”. So now I’m at a bit of a loss. What does “normal” look like for other people here?

ETA there was a deleted comment suggesting I was being “judgy” that her mom doesn’t buy nice clothes. I typed out a response before the comment got deleted so might as well use it; I’m not judgemental of her approach, and I apologise if it comes off that way.

I do however resent being forcibly held to that same approach, to the detriment of a little girl (who is upset when she can’t find her “nice things” because she wants to feel pretty), not to mention the complete waste of money it represents (which is ironic, given that that is exactly what she says she is trying to take a stance against.)

In general I get along with her very well, and think she’s a great mom, but on this particular topic she is trying to prove a point and I feel that it’s gone too far.

My story - 50 yrs old. Met a lady that had kids that were 18 mth old son and 7 yr old daughter.

We had kids 50% time with father.

Everything went well with kids, raised them good, went to games, took them on trips, did the typical family thing. Once both kids were old enough to have a car I noticed a trend. They would spend more time with the fathers family. As time went on it gets worse. My daughter has been doing this for about 10 yrs and my son about 5 yrs. The daughter has spent 1 night in the past 5 yrs with us and the son may stay with us 2 times a year. They are at their dads house many weekends of the year. While I am at a point of not caring about it anymore as they made their choices. My wife also accepts it too. I think deep down it hurts her but she is a strong lady.

Its frustrating. Recently we went out to have dinner for an hour with our son and he only really spoke about his other family the whole time. He spent 6 days at their house and came to see us for an hour. This has gone on now for years. My wife and I think of selling and downsizing our house or going south for the winters. Part of our conversation will include the fact that the kids don't come to see us or want to spend any quality time with us so why do we need to live close to them. I don't see this changing. As one is 21 and the other is 27 and its went on for years.

Anyhow, any advice or similar stories to share?

I’m in such a strange head space which I never thought I’d be in! A few years ago if you’d have asked me if I want a baby I’d have said yes immediately and for a long time it was all I wanted. However fast forward a few years I’m so on the fence even leaning more towards no.

For context my relationship with SS 12 has been strained over the past few years due to HCBM. We went from 50/50 custody to every other weekend. I had to take a step back for my own sanity and now we are really quite distant.

I now find myself dreading that weekend I hate my routine being altered. I hate not having my morning coffee in peace. I hate sitting on the living room and sharing my sofa. I hate all my food being eaten in one sitting. I hate feeling like I have to watch what I say or do. I think I just feel like my house isn’t my own home for a weekend. Now SS really isn’t a bad kid at all I just hate sharing my space all of a sudden.

Is it like this with your own? Does this mean I’m too selfish for my own child and I would have my time/routine being my own… serious confusion.

Did anyone else feel this way?

As the title says me and my wife had a beautiful daughter together and she just turned 2. My wife has a son who's 11 and lives with us, he sees his bio Dad roughly every other weekend. We have been together for over 6 years, living together for 4.

It feels like my problem is that I am so much more in love with my own daughter then I have ever been when compared with my step son. I feel like I've tried to be close with him, but it feels my relationship with him is not nearly as affectionate. It becomes much more apparent when it's just the three of us for the day, but obviously the expectations are a bit different between a 2 year old and an 11 year old.

But I never felt like I've seen any of myself in that boy or felt him where he is at. He's never been easy: has emotional-disconnection issues(from past emotional abuse by his bio Dad), possibly autistic, has had issues in school where he claimed or said insane things, and can really be rude or unpleasant to be around sometimes. All of these things make me nervous about his future, while on the other hand I see nothing but success and happiness for my daughter.

I would love for him to get evaluated by a therapist or even a psychologist, his Mom needs help too. But neither of those things are my call to make unfortunately.

I suppose my question to this community is, has anybody else felt the same when they compare their bio kids to their step kids? Any advice or stories are welcomed.

Thanks

Long story short DHs ex has always been an issue. Today she dropped the bombshell that she may have to move across the country to NY (we’re on the west coast) in order to seek support from her sister since she doesn’t like parenting alone. The kicker is she said she’s fine just leaving her kids behind and taking them only for some time over the summer. Currently we have a 50/50 custody split but often times she’s too overwhelmed and asks us to take them. The part that is making me angry is because I know I’m the main reason she’s threatening this. Early in our relationship she attempted to reconcile with him and obviously he refused and moved forward with me. Since then she cycles between being verbally abusive, threatening to harm herself and pretending like she’s apologetic to try and gain sympathy. She never attempted to repair their relationship until I came along and once she realized it was serious and she wasn’t going to get her life back she’s been going out of her way to make everyone around her suffer. Part of me wants to be happy that she’s threatening to leave so that either A she’ll do it and we can just have them full time because she’s not stable and can’t provide anything for them. Or B that she was bluffing and since it’s been documented that she has been unstable that it will make it easier for us at the next court proceeding to get more custody of them. Either way I’m heartbroken for their kids because she’s a pathetic excuse for a mother and they never deserved to be shackled to such an incompetent parent that clearly cares more about herself than them.

I feel sad when partner’s daughter leaves after staying with us. I’ve seen her grow up from 5 years old to 13 now. She getting so big but is still so beautiful, kind and intelligent. I get sad because she’s growing up so fast and she spends most her time with her mom. She’s a great mom. I know she’s safe and well taken care of. I just wish we didn’t live so far away and could see her more. I feel like at this age she’s a lot more invested in friends. So sometimes it’s hard to adjust to that. I want her to be a teenager. But I also am so scared sometimes I won’t be a huge part of her life. I know I am but she has many people who love her and 4 parents including myself. It’s great she’s got a lot of caring people. All I hope for is that as she gets older we can still be close or maybe closer. I know this is a subreddit for different stories but I was hoping maybe some people feel this way. They have step kids who they love but it’s hard since they aren’t the primary parent. All the best. It was hard for me at first but it got a lot better.

I (49f) have a stepchild (20f) who has been living with me and her bio dad(49m) for the past 3 years. Relationship with sd was good up until she graduated from her college program. She was extremely rude to me at her graduation dinner (which her bio mom was attending) despite her father and I paying for her entire tuition. She thanked everyone for their support in a Facebook post and omitted her father’s support.

She’s not openly rude but disregards everyone including grandparents. Doesn’t seem grateful for gifts or help out much around the house.

Last year, I told my husband that it was time for her to transition into her own living situation. She has been working full time since last year. Has a car (we gifted her) and pays her own expenses (gas, cellphone, clothes, etc). The year is up now and I reminded my husband it was time to revisit her moving out. He asked me if I expected him to drop her off at a women’s shelter.

I’m ready to move out on my own. I didn’t create this problem and I am not her parent.

Am I being stupid for wanting to separate over this situation?

Rant? And asking for advice?

My partner had his child very young. They've coparented well but now the child lives with him full time. Being incredibly young he struggled a lot, but has really made something of himself. I was fine originally with not having my own, but those feelings have changed. I've spoken to him about it, and he just isn't sure he wants to go through it again. I'm trying to just let the relationship be and come back to it after a few months and see if he thinks any differently (was a discussion to really get a final answer of does he want this).

I am struggling. A lot. If he says no, it's really no skin off his back. He already had a child. He already has that family. I do not. I miss out on... Everything about it. And I want that. I am seeing a counsellor but we are yet to come up with coping mechanisms.

This might not be the right page but I'm struggling a lot. Has anyone been in a similar boat? How did you cope? What was the end outcome? If you were the one who changed your mind to a yes, what happened from there?

I had a situation with my stepson Zack (15) over the weekend. It was my birthday. When it's a family member's birthday, that person chooses the activities they would like to do to celebrate. Everyone else participates happily to help the birthday person feel celebrated. Zack is included in this. For my birthday, I specifically chose an activity I knew would appeal to Zack because he can be difficult when the activity is not his preference. Historically, Zack himself has chosen this same activity for his birthday.

Prior to and during the activity, Zack began what I consider to be passive-aggressive tantrums. The behavior includes pretending not to hear when he is spoken to, pretending to be asleep when he is not, responding to genuine questions or requests sarcastically and/or with an argument, etc. Then there's the open, frequent, and loud complaining about "having to" participate. In essence, Zack can really bring down a celebration when he would prefer not to be there. My husband expressed some annoyance with Zack about the behavior, but he did not address it specifically or directly with expectations for improvement.

During one part of the activity, Zack needed to make a specific choice about something in order to participate further. He was sitting there pretending to be asleep, holding everyone else up. Like, he was acting as if he had dozed off and his head was dropping forward. My husband tried to get Zack's attention twice, and Zack ignored him. My husband asked a third time, and Zack pretended like he hadn't heard and that he was startled awake. It was clearly fake and ridiculous.

I had enough of it at that point. I told Zack to step away from the group with me for a minute. I took him to a separate area, and I reminded him that it was my birthday and that was why we were doing this activity. I reminded him that when it is his birthday, we all -- me included -- do whatever he chooses, and we participate fully. I then reminded him that I had spent the entire previous day doing an activity he had chosen, and I did it happily. I told him that I expected the same from him. That's what is fair. He replied with, "I'm trying." And I said, "Try more." Then I told him to go back to where the group. When we returned, my husband asked me if everything was okay. I said, "It will be now."

A little while later, I told my husband about the exchange with Zack. I told him I would understand if he believed I overstepped or if I needed to do anything with Zack to correct what I'd said. My husband said he thought I'd handled it well. He said Zack's behavior was poor, and he was glad I addressed it.

Later, Zack continued to pout, and he separated himself from the rest of the group. I decided that as long as he wasn't creating problems for everyone else, he could sit over there on his own. I didn't address that. My husband, however, became very concerned that Zack was sad or whatever, and that became the excuse to end the activity. Zack got what he wanted, right? So frustrating. Zack hasn't spoken to me for three days now.

So, do you think I overstepped my bounds by addressing Zack the way I did? This is difficult for me because I never had these behavioral issues with my son (25). It has always just been expected and accepted that we behave positively on someone else's birthday to help them have a good day.

I’ve been with BD for four years so I’ve known SS (7) for more than half of his life at this point.
He is starting therapy soon for a few different things (but also therapy is great! And he’s a child of divorce so I’m just pro him having someone to talk to with no ‘skin’ in the game.)
One of those things is a sudden separation anxiety where if his father gets up to do anything from going to the bathroom to walking around the corner to toss trash - SS starts FREAKING out ‘where’s my dad!’ And can’t be calmed until his dad is literally back directly next to him. While he’s always been super entitled to his dad and doesn’t seem to view him as a person who has to do anything other than tend to him; I have started getting particularly grossed out by the bodily entitlement. He climbs all over his father like a jungle gym but also just pokes, prods, pets, shoves his hands inside his shirts, up his pant legs, and will say stuff that makes it so much creepier like ‘mmm that feels nice’ (not sexually but still it makes it soooo much creepier!)
My problem is; while I know therapy is imminent it’s not going to suddenly change how this kid views his father in five to ten business days - but in the interim I am super struggling to find my partner intimately attractive because I can only see his body as his kid’s toy….does that make sense? Does anyone else have the same issue or have gotten through it?

Y’all, I’m struggling with navigating being a stepparent to a teenage boy lol

I’ve been in his life since he was 12, and he lives with his dad and me full-time. We all have a great relationship, and he’s such a wonderful, respectful kid, which I’m incredibly grateful for.

He’s 16 and has been dating his girlfriend for about a year. For the most part, she’s nice, but his dad and I constantly overhear them arguing on the phone. A few weeks ago, he even frantically called his dad while he was at his mom’s house because his girlfriend was threatening to break up with him. He was in complete panic and told his dad she was the only thing that made him happy.

They’re also on FaceTime from the moment they wake up until they go to bed, and it just feels unhealthy. I know I’m probably overreacting.

I know I was a teenager once too. I thought my high school boyfriend was my soulmate, and I was absolutely devastated when we broke up. But it feels like things are different now with how connected kids are through their phones 24/7.

I also struggle because I’m the stepmom, so sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t care this much or if it’s not really my place. His dad is pretty laid-back about most things, although he admits it bothers him too.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? Am I overthinking this? I’m sure I am but it feels nice to type it out.

Understandably, lots of posts here are about adjustment problems with stepchildren. May be it will help everyone to hear about stories of successful adjustments and positive outcomes and how did they happen.

Thus, if your teenager stepchild adjusted successfully with you, what were some steps, events, tactics, or circumstances that you think resulted in successful outcomes and hopefully loving relationships?

My husband’s daughter from his first marriage is 8 years old, and we have her for school breaks as her mother lives in a different state in the US. We’ve been trying to get residential custody but that is a separate issue. When she’s here, I’ve noticed issues such as pee/poop on the toilet seat, bad smells wherever she sits, unwillingness to bathe, and a complete lack of ability to clean up after herself.

Her bedroom is a complete disaster and I have her help me clean it every evening, but it goes back to the way it was by the next morning. I know some of this may be age-appropriate, but I was wondering just how much of this is normal. My husband has tried to speak to her mother about it, but they have a very contentious relationship and I often have to be the mediator as bio mom has a good relationship with me.

When I’ve visited my stepdaughter at her maternal grandmother’s house, I’ve noticed these same issues there among all the family members (multi-generational home). Him and I both have tried to teach her how to clean herself multiple times but it feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t really know how we should be handling this. Is there a way to teach her how to be clean that I’m not implementing?

Is it typical BD behavior to keep trying to flirt with BM even after he is engaged? His Fiancée has no idea. I want to tell her but also, if he cheats on her then she can get that bag later on down the road when he is married.

I am the step parent and know that its happening. BM tells me about it everytime, and tells me that she denies any of his advances. Whats the most annoying part is he acts like he likes me as a friend. I just can't be fake so I don't talk much- when I know what he is up to.

I can't not be around him because of the child. Does it end after the child turns 18? Or is this going to be my life.

A predatory BD lurking around every corner.

So I’ve been dating my gf for now 3 years and really do look forward to marrying her someday. But she has a 9 year old kid. First she’s the one and only person with a kid i’ve ever dated and will probably ever do this with again because i have a STRONG boundary on dating folks with kids especially divorced folks. This one time i went against myself and now im seeing it’s paying me back in mentally draining ways. She has a the kid half of the week who i have zero connection with, just cordial and nice because it’s a kid. I like to do things alone most times cause j don’t wanna be swamped around a kid all day. Also let me say she knows i do not want kids and never did. She knows she’s a very rare case of me dating her with a kid. But it’s hard for me to see a future with her due to this kid. I don’t want my life to begin to revolve around this kid. No i don’t want to spend every holiday with your family cause the kid wants that, no i don’t want to vacation in kid friendly places because i don’t wanna be around kids 24/7. No i don’t want to fake like i care about most of what’s going on with the kid. Lastly i don’t even have a say with anything involving the kid cause she gets so defensive. The kid doesn’t have chores, acts like a baby most times, cries when she gets scolded and downright does annoying shit when around family that she doesn’t do at home to get attention. I don’t know i just don’t think that’s an aspect of my life i am willing to adjust for. Again i love her a lot just every time im reminded that my life will no longer be mine.

I’m at my wits end. Summer visitation is almost over but it has been a TRYING time.

I just need to ask other people if this is what we observe from 5 year olds typically. I actually work with kids so I know how o experience 5 year olds as a teacher, but maybe the restraint collapse at home is just not something I was expecting.

My SD is 5 almost 6. She’s with us often throughout the year, but spends most time with her mom and then most of the summer with us.

My main things are not doing backflips off your bed, not playing on the staircase, not climbing your bookshelf and clean up before you move to another area of the house. I legitimately have to repeat every single one of these things 10x a day and I’m not understanding how nothing is sticking after WEEKS of the same reminders. And she’s not trying to act out. She’s apologetic every time she’s corrected and she hates her consequences (time out usually), but it’s like she absolutely cannot stop. Then we’ve reprimanded her multiple times about lifting and throwing her sister (OD almost 2) and also wrapping things around her neck or her sister’s neck tightly. Like a toy necklace or binoculars but twisting and twisting it on purpose. Of course my husband and I have both freaked out about these last two especially but it has still happened SEVERAL TIMES. When she’s reprimanded, she typically just says she forgot.

Idk, I just wanna know do you all deal with this at this age? Bio kid or step kid, doesn’t matter. I have no idea if this is the other household, some type of underlying issue or just normal at this point.

Hey! I have been with my fiancé for about a year and a half. He has a daughter that is 10. I feel like coming in and being a stepparent when you’re also a people pleaser has been extremely hard. I constantly feel like his BM and her new husband and step kids are judging me as well as her parents ( my step daughters grandparents). Like no person is perfect. But when a stepmom isn’t perfect all hell breaks loose. They have never once said anything to my face but it’s their actions. The BM won’t help when I drop SD off. And then I feel like she judges how we do her hair or let her get dressed. Obviously she is dressing appropriately in leggings, tee shirts, shorts, crocs or tennis shoes. And her hair is in a pony tail or down but it’s never good enough. It’s almost like she wants her to be dressed and hair done to the 10s every time and that’s not how we live.I’m not sure how to go about this and kinda help myself. I know most of this is me and I need to understand that this happens but how to you get through it and not let it eat you alive.

So currently waiting for the shit storm. But I have 3 cats. I’ll go by their first initial to hopefully not give too much away.

G- 5-6 y/o female. Loving. Affectionate. Came from shelter and doesn’t like to be picked up much or chased around. But will come up for attention constantly. Also does not like her sides pet. She will mouth and if you continue to pet her sides she will get up and walk away.

D- 2 y/o male. Loving as hell. Extra toes which sometimes will catch you or he will accidentally scratch with them. My child who picked him from the shelter can carry him like a ragdoll everywhere around the house. She does carry him properly but towards the start not wanting to put down her stupid tablet her dad got her she got into a habit of carrying him with one arm. Anyways. Never had an issue since it’s been since he was a baby. She does carry him normal 95% of the time now.

T- 2 y/o female. She does not want to get picked up. Actively avoids people unless she’s hungry or something. Will come for pets on her terms. Typical cat? Ghost for the most part.

So I have been living with boyfriend for a couple months now. We’ve been moved in and the laundry room is the cats. They spend a lot of time in there. They come out through the house often but that’s their room and where they go at night. Well this morning and just for lack of better terms my 10 y/o step son if you can consider him that decided he wanted to play with them. Moved the washer out and everything to get to G. G he has taken out at night when I’ve been away for work and she got hurt about a month ago. He claims she jumped halfway down the stairs out of his arms. I don’t believe it. I don’t believe he intended to hurt her necessarily either. But I told bf I would like the cats left alone unless we can supervise because I don’t believe either of his sons know how to properly handle a cat. Or care about boundaries. Well behind the washer is G covered in oxi clean that apparently got spilled while he was trying to get the cat. D is apparently the one who scratched and ss claimed tried to bite. I’ve never had issues with biting. D unfortunately I can see scratches some from the extra toes that he can’t control. He has oven mitts looking paws and the “thumb” just gets caught on anything, anyone and everything. Downstairs was a mess. Couches pulled out. Furniture pulled out. Broom wasn’t in its spot so idk if he tried poking at him. I’m just lost on what to do. Waiting currently to hear about how bf or the boys mom want the cats gone. Because I’m sure it’s coming. Apparently when the 10 y/o was a baby he got cat scratch fever and his mom has hated cats. But on the other hand they have all seemed kinda irresponsible with all their animals. Most recently was a Frenchie that she had that had claws growing into her feet and bleeding from her rear that she didn’t care to take to a vet for and “got rid of”. I’m tired of it. I’m about 7 months pregnant with our child and stressed. D is my daughter’s cat. She picked him and he sleeps in her bed and all. And I feel like they’re gonna both say shit to get the cats gone. Or worse. Get rid of them somehow when I’m working or something. I’m about to order some cameras Friday for around the house and I have no idea how it’s gonna go over with bf. He knows how they are with animals as well. My child also has a hamster in her room and they went in there taking it out and passing it around roughly while I was on FaceTime with my daughter as she is away visiting family right now. They put a hole in her wall roughhousing in there broke a couple toys and everything. I’m just tired of it.

ETA: Also wanted to add that when I say for lack of better terms for calling him a step son, since we’re not married or anything idk if you can still consider him a step son? I said it once to a friend and they said no not unless we’re married so just for ease of the post I say step son. I do enjoy having the boys around it’s just some things such as treatment of the animals that bother me. Among other things but I let their dad deal with it. I don’t see it being my place for some things.

So there's a lot of history here that is probably relevant. Started dating my SO 4.5 years ago. She was recently divorced, 4 kids. I moved in about 10 months ago. Custody schedule is basically 90% our house, 10% at their dad's. We're not married, but we refer to me as stepdad, them as stepkids. SD is 13 and the last 12 months or so has been hospitalized three times for threatening suicide, usually involving knives. No actual physical harm to herself, but makes repeated threats and constantly says things along the lines of "I just want to die, I hate myself, I want to kill myself." But only does it when she is faced with a "no" or a consequence. She has extreme reactions to her mom's authority in particular. Dad does not really ever try to tell her no, so she faces no authority there. Lately it has progressed to where she is basically running the household. She picks fights with her brothers, she shaved her head in the middle of the night. Spends some nights binge eating and then hiding the empty cartons of ice cream, wrappers etc in the couch or under it. She lies constantly. She takes things that aren't hers and lies about it. Steals her mom's supplies, makeup etc. She was recently told she was grounded for spray painting in her room and said "i'm going to kill myself then." She just recently had a stay at the hospital where she asked with the therapist in the room if she could get her nose pierced. She was told no and she cried but accepted it. Then got home a few hours later and pierced her nose with a safety pin. I am basically at the point where she can't live with us anymore, but she lived with her dad for about 2 months earlier this year, and that really only served to allow her to live in an environment without consequences, which might have made her even more resistant to them. She is too young to diagnose bipolar. She takes meds for anxiety, to help her sleep, to help with ADHD. She is able to function at school for the most part, but resists parental authority. It's just like, I'm at the point where I just think she's a bad kid at this point who needs to be kicked out, but she's too young for that and I'm not sure where she would go that would actually turn her into a decent functioning adult one day.

Hello all! I (34F) and my new partner (32M) have been living together for some time now. Currently my ex husband (33M) and I share 50/50 custody of both our daughter whom is 5 and our son who is 3. Currently we are having trouble with our son who's kinda a picky eater, we had a situation happen today that I will explain.

The transition has been overall smoothly but we are having issues right now with my son. So at 3 soon to be 4 in September he is definitely in the thick of his toddler stage. On weeks that we have them we noticed that he doesn't really eat much during dinner. We tried offering less snacks, and less fluids and his eating is just not very there. He will eat fruit and snacks easy but when it comes to food, there lies the problem.

From my understanding, my ex states he eats fine, what that mean could unfortunately depend since we don't exactly have the best relationship but I keep it civil and short and strictly to the kids. However whenever I ask he says he eats and when I ask what he eats it's usually the same 4 thing's which I've expressed plenty of time that I would like to introduce variety in their diets as I want them to one, be healthy, but also to be open to trying new things. I really want my kids to know all the flavors of wonderful food that's out there and to at least ne comfortable trying things once and if they don't like it that is always perfectly fine.

Their dad seems to understand that but if he actually does it again I can't be for sure so I'm half the time not sure what to do in that aspect but as with everything else I can only control what I do in my household.

My concern now is that it's taking a toll on my current partner and it's making me upset with the dynamic when it comes to dinner time and food.

My partner has been with other single mom's before and has had some experience with kids but my current ones are definitely the youngest and he does not have any kids of his own.

He loves to cook, like loves it, so he's always wanting to make things but keep the kids in mind which I love. Like I said before I want my kids to be able to try everything so that completely works for me and when it comes to planning meals I try to treat it as "let's try it and see how they do".

However, again with my son, there comes the problem. He's very picky as any kid his age, but it also can get very frustrating very quickly and my partner is having a very hard time with it. Today was probably the worst one for sure and it was with an easy meal. Hot dogs and baked beans, now my kids have had hot dogs plenty of times and both have done fine. My daughter liked baked beans last time they were here and so we figured hey why not put them together? Seems easy enough. My partner showed the kid's, look, these are the hot dogs, try one, we cut them up and into the beans they go. Easy peasy, we all get a bowl and sit to eat.

The kids have grown accustomed to having their tablets when they eat (something I personally don't like and am trying to phase out at our household that my ex knows about). So we decided no tablets we are gonna keep watching Adventure time because that was on in the background or we can talk about our day. We try to encourage the kids to eat by asking about the food and then asking about their day. My daughter was eating and my son was trying to pick out only the hot dogs and having a little bit of a hard time.

My partner noticed and tried saying like buddy don't just eat the hot dogs try some of the beans. He nodded but continued to pick out the hot dog but he got one in his mouth and kept it there but said it was yummy. At this point I'm trying to encourage like ok if it's yummy let's you know chew and swallow. My partner agreed and told him to eat his food please. My son continued to just hold the hot dog in his mouth and so to me I was like ok I'll give it a second so I start eating my food. I could tell my partner was watching him and told him again like buddy you have to eat ok.

I want to be very clear that I understand how immensely frustrating this is, but I also have a lot more patience and that is not a bad thing. My partner has never had to deal with a child of this age so I'm not trying to excuse his reason for frustration because I 100% agree but I also believe that as an adult we have to check ourselves when we start to get overwhelmed, which is easier said than done but can be done with practice and A LOT of patience.

My son swallowed the one piece of hot dog after a bit and proceeded to try to pick out the next one. Now at this point my daughter is almost finished with her food so my partner tries asking her about the food and just making conversation to see if it will help. Again buddy is picking around the beans and not really eating but saying "no yuck, it's yummy" but refusing to eat. My partner now visibly getting more irritated is telling him to eat then if it is yummy he needs to eat because he hasn't eaten a lot today, which was true, I try to encourage again but to no avail.

Now at this point is where it kinda goes super south. My son pick up another hot dog and there is one bean on the spoon he's trying to pick off. My partner tells him to eat it, it's hot dogs and beans it's good it's not gonna hurt him to please try it. My son does put the food in his mouth but then proceeds to hold it and start gagging. My daughter freaks out because she hates the sound of vomiting, we tell her it's ok and I ask my son what's wrong to what he says it's yummy but literally spits out the food without caring where it lands so it gets all over him.

I start to clean it up and my partner just looses it. He starts saying it's not that bad like why are you gagging, it's hot dogs and beans like it's nothing bad, we just need you to eat man you never wanna eat dinner, again I completely understand his reason for this but I try to explain like ok listen yes what he is doing isn't cool but I need you to take a second and I'll get him cleaned up and he will have to go to bed then if he won't eat dinner.

My partner clearly upset and frustrated turned to me and just said "get them away from me."

Now again, I am not saying his reaction isn't valid, his response though, I asked him to please take a moment and even told him I understand and you have every right to be upset but please take a second and calm down.

He just tells me again to get the kids away and so I proceed to take them into their room and we start getting ready for bed. Because of this, bedtime wasn't as exciting as it normally is because we usually do the changing and brushing teeth then a story and then a small talk before we say goodnight.

My partner was still very upset about it and like I guess my biggest question is like how do other people deal with this kind of situation?

On the one hand, I can admit that my son was being difficult and that it was an extremely frustrating situation for someone that has not dealt with that before, but on the other because of his age I feel like there is also a line between like yes he's a kid and you are the adult but kid's are frustrating as hell and it's ok to get angry and upset but it's also not ok to lash out and if you need to calm down like please go calm down I got this, it won't be like this forever.

In short, I just would like any advice or perspectives on this because as everyone else on here we are just trying our best for our kids man, it's just hard sometimes.

EDIT: Just wanted to add a couple more things because I'm not making excuses by any means I know for a fact my partners reaction is 100% not ok, I did not feel comfortable with how he handled the situation and what he said. He didn't scream at my son, i would not allow that. This is the first time it got this bad and he was visibly irritated and angry.

This is going on month two of us changing to 50/50 custody wise and almost every night my son won't eat dinner, at first it was more intricate meals but it was my idea to try simple things to get my son to eat more, when he does eat for dinner it's usually the 4 things my ex says he eats which again I completely understand kids go through this phase and it's not ok to rush kids so we have been patient I personally know from experience with my daughter that it takes a while in general so he did over react 100% not denying that.

This was the first time in the two months that this happened, usually if my son doesn't eat I thank him for trying and that it's ok, toddlers in general I've been told many times by different people sometimes won't want to eat and that's ok they will eat when hungry. I wouldn't force feed him ever because that was done to me as a child so I'd never do that.

So nobody in my SO’s family likes BM. I am not wishing this or projecting, she is just generally an unpleasant person. So I never had the worry she would show up at family events. She tried it for the first years to just show up, but she was asked to leave.

BM is dating now and needs a lot of time without her son. We didn’t really notice until MIL let slip she is taking care of SS a lot.

My SO is now pissed of. First off he had rights of first refusal and she never even told him ( because probably she was hoping we wouldn’t know how often she gets rid of SS because she is the first to make a stink if we do anything on our custody time)

Secondly my SO asked MIL to stop helping BM after the last time she was terrible to him. MIL is just a massive people pleaser who can’t say no, so she didn’t want to do that even though she started to complain to us when we rarely do something on our time.

I do not want to get in the middle of this but SO keeps asking my opinion and to back him up to his mother.

I am just asking for more perspective.

My opinion is : BM needs to ask SO first and his mom needs to double check that.
MIL needs to set a boundary if she feels it is too much, but she needs to set that boundary with BM as well. Not just to the easy no manipulation people.
And last, SO can’t stop his mom from helping BM out. She is allowed to do that. My mom if the roles were reversed would be on my side and would tell my ex to go pound sand. And I understand him wanting me hat but it is not happening.

Curious for more perspectives

Clarify a few things...

Dad & Teen A are working in therapy. Dad took ownership of wrong words. Teen admits they escalated to 'punish' Dad. This isn't really about what happened so much as how it's impacted me.

My issue... teen A admits to not communicating issues until "they want to drop a bomb". This makes me uncomfortable to interact because I can't trust them to communicate an issue or boundary until they want a massive blow up. They previously sought me out, but now I don't trust them to not do the same to me. But I also don't want to be so unfriendly it damages their relationship with Dad.

These teens are all in High School.

First time poster... I've been fortunate this community taught me NACHO outta the gate. It's served me & the kids incredibly well, and we previously had a good relationship. So I'm hoping you might help me with my current issue.

I don't have children, and my partner has several teens. 3 months ago Teen A acted like they were going to 'Karate chop' Teen B's school project worth 1/2 their grade. Their dad saw it and said he would break their arm if they did so.

Teen A later confronted Dad because they were 'only joking' and Dad apologized for threatening violence and wouldn't do so again.

Teen A refused to come during parenting time since, as has Teen C who wasn't even part of it. Dad & A were exchanging letters to try and resolve. Teen B has continued to come as normal.

A month later... Teen A told therapist "Dad threatening to break their arm over homework". Of course CPS did their thing, including all kids saying Dad has never touched them and they're not afraid of him. Case closed w/ recommended therapy, which they are doing.

I get that I'm viewed as an accessory to Dad and no one has considered I'd have feelings on this. I'm a very direct and I believe communicating & respecting boundries are how we show love.

My issue...

This blow up has rocked my world. I believe those who can't discuss issues, but instead escalate -- are dangerous. Currently family therapy is trying to addressing this with Dad and Teen A.

How am I supposed to move past this? If this was an adult I'd distance myself, but I'm supposed to welcome these kids in my home and interact, even minimally, after all this as if I'm not impacted?

I'm really struggling how to navigate my feelings and my partner understands my issues, but also isn't sure what to do either.