I read this sub more than I comment. Sometimes it is helpful. Sometimes it is heartbreaking. And sometimes I read the way people speak about the person they promised to love, and I have to close the app for a while.

My wife spent three weeks in the hospital this year. For a few days, nobody could tell me clearly what was going to happen. I went home to a house that still had her coffee mug by the sink, her book open on the couch, her sweater over the chair, and somehow all of those ordinary things felt unbearable.

I kept thinking about the stupid things we had argued about. The dishwasher. Her leaving cabinet doors open. Me forgetting to move laundry. Which family visit lasted too long. Who sounded annoyed first.

None of it mattered in that house without her voice in it. She is home now. She is recovering. We are tired, emotional, and still figuring things out, but she is here. I get to hear her complain about the pillows. I get to make her tea badly and be corrected. I get to sit beside her while she falls asleep halfway through a show. That feels like a privilege now.

I am not saying people should stay in cruel marriages. Some people need to leave, and they should. But there is a kind of casual contempt I see sometimes that makes me ache. People talking about their spouse like an inconvenience, a roommate, a failed employee, or someone they are keeping score against.

Marriage is not always romantic. Sometimes it is medication schedules, insurance calls, fear, bad sleep, and sitting in silence because neither of you has the energy to be inspiring. But if you have a good person beside you, please do not treat their presence like background noise. One day the coffee mug by the sink might be the thing that breaks you.

I am not writing this because we have a perfect marriage. We do not. I am writing it because I got close enough to losing my ordinary life to understand that ordinary was the miracle.

My wife and I have been married for 22 years, and have known each other since the start of high school. We had a pretty active and normal sex life- few times a week, foreplay/different positions/different locations, etc…. As of the last four years, we are lucky to go at it once a week, sometimes every other week. Lately, I have noticed that we have sex the night before, she is masterbating the following morning when I head off to work.

I can’t tell if my ego is getting the worst of me, or she doesn’t want to admit she isn’t enjoying sex, or at least fully satisfied. I remember her really criticizing a friends relationship when she found out the friends boyfriend would go rub one out after their sexy time, and my wife thought it was completely disgusting and disrespectful. However, I kind of feel this is a similar scenario.

I have asked her point blank recently if she is satisfied sexually with our relationship and she is for the most part but has mentioned that she wants me to take control more. We recently had a night that was some of the best sex we ( at least I thought we) had in a while. I was telling her what to do, and it all seemed like she was into it. However the next morning, she seemed to get her self off on her own after I headed out the door.

Am I tripping over nothing, or is there something I should be concerned with and/or do to address this. All this time it feels like she is just going thru the motions, which makes me uninterested in initiating and I seemingly can’t enjoy sex like I use to.

Thoughts?

We’ve been together since 2017. Married in 2020. Last year after playing tennis one night, I was taunting him about all of the games I beat him in. As I was taunting him, he starting sounding out the word “Nnnnnnnnn….” and before I finished my sentence he said it. “N***ER”. He called me the n word with a hard r. I’m Afro Latina (Zoe Saldana-ish) and he is Asian.

He’s never been racist. In fact, it wasn’t until last year that I noticed he started showing signs of racism. I don’t know why I’m having a delayed response to this… maybe it’s because I’ve been putting patterns together.

In a group chat, some of our friends shared pictures of a neighborhood with Halloween decor and they said it was a beautiful and safe neighborhood. He replied “that’s because there are no (ninja emoji)”. Nobody responded to that and I had a stern talk with him about it.

Years ago (while married) when i talked about what are future kids might look like, I said what If they are pale like you and he said “let’s hope”.

These are things you just don’t forget.

2 weeks ago while watching FIFA I said “wow France definitely looks like France”. And he said “what do you mean babe there’s a black guy in the other team too haha”. And I told him “not everything is about race, I was talking about the uniforms”.

He noticed I was very bothered by that and kind of put his shoulders down in shame once the game was over 2 hours later.

I just have a major ick. I feel like he is regressing. He has exhibited other red flags such as major corn addiction. And hint hint. Everyone is Asian or blonde.

First, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. I read far more responses than I could reply to, and while some were hard to read, I appreciate everyone who took the time to share their thoughts.

My husband came home so we could finally sit down and talk face to face. He was extremely apologetic from the moment we started talking. He kept saying how sorry he was and that he doesn't want to lose me.

His explanation hasn't really changed. He said he was far too drunk and genuinely believed he was dancing with me. He admitted he rarely drinks hard liquor, said he overdid it that night, and kept repeating that I know him and that this isn't who he is. I told him that was hard for me to believe considering he kissed my cousin and touched her on the dance floor in front of everyone.

He answered every question I asked. He handed me his phone without hesitation and let me look through everything. I didn't find any messages between him and my cousin or anything that suggested there had been an ongoing affair. Since leaving after everything happened, he has also been sharing his location with me, and as far as I can tell he's only been at work or at his parents' house. As far as I know, he has never communicated with my cousin outside of the times we've all been together as a family.

We talked for about an hour. He accepted responsibility, apologized over and over, and said he knows he broke my trust. He said he'll do whatever it takes to rebuild it if I give him the chance.

The problem is that I'm still torn.

Part of me wants to believe him. Part of me wants to believe this was a horrible drunken mistake, forgive him, and try to move forward with our marriage.

The other part of me keeps replaying what I saw at the wedding. I can't get the image out of my head. I worry that if I forgive him too easily, I'll end up looking like a fool if there was more to it than he's admitting.

I still feel incredibly lost. I love my husband, but my trust has been shaken in a way I never imagined. I don't know if I'm being too hopeful or too skeptical.

For those of you who have been through something similar, how did you decide whether it was a one-time mistake that could be worked through, or a sign that the relationship couldn't recover?

Me 33M and my wife 33F have been married for close to 5 years. 2 kids 4 and 2 and we’re a happy family. I work she stays at home with the kids it works.

When it comes to sex we have a decent sex life it’s about the same everytime which I’m okay with but she never goes down on me anymore. I give her oral almost everytime because I love it.

Curious if anyone has dealt with this or knows why?

When I try to bring it up she gets uncomfortable and dodges the question.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years married for 1 and i think I’ve made a mistake. I stayed because he was the “nice guy” and is always actively making me feel loved, safe, and cared for.
However The sex was never great, but I felt very comfortable with him after the first time we had sex. So I stayed. I’ve always been the girl who didn’t want cuddles or to stay over. I’d be out the door or kicking guys out after sex, but I didn’t get that urge with him. I actually wanted him to stay. I felt comfortable being nude with him and I hadn’t experienced that before.
Now at year 5 I’m over the bad sex. He jumps straight into things without foreplay and needs me to spell out what I want him to do to me to get me turned on. Lube has been a main event and I’ve blamed it on hormones, bc, being tired, etc. and it’s none of those. He just doesn’t turn me on. We have sex in the exact same way every single time. I’ve started avoiding sex because I’m bored of it. I don’t want to keep telling him how to touch my body and to slow down. That I need more time to warm up. He jack hammer finger me and will rub my clit while dry (ouch) and I keep having to tell him to stop, which kills the mood. He says he doesn’t know what to do cause none of his “moves” work on me. It’s been years and I’m over it. I keep hoping it’ll get better but doesn’t.
Sex is one area I don’t want to have to teach him. I miss the way my other partners would just explore my body and we’d find out our turn ons. I miss not having to spell out sex. So I’ve been avoiding it. He thinks I have a low sex drive but it’s quite the opposite. I’d go 3 times a day with other partners and with him I just don’t want to put in the effort for bad sex.
Not sure what advice can help besides divorce? Open relationship? Sex therapist? I’m at my wits end being sexually unsatisfied.

I haven't met many happy married couple or couple that love each other after a long married life. Happy couples are so rare and its seems like no marriage goes well.

But I'm also thinking maybe its because we don't hear many happy couples stories because they don't have a chance to share their story or feels like boosting if they share happiness of marriage.

If there are any happy married coupple who had been married for a long time and still happy and love each other, please share it and tell us why you love your partner and what do you think is the secret of the happy marriage.

Actually I'm not really sure how all this happened.

Two years ago we were on the brink of divorce, with all the resentment, constant fights, weeks long not talking to each other, lack of any positive sides in the marriage and actually planning moving out.

Now, it's the complete opposite, it's just like it was when we first met, along with all the chemistry. I can't stop thinking about her, I'd do anything for her now and don't even see other women as attractive at all. And it's like that since last summer, so it's 12 months now. And of course it's not just me, her feelings also changed, she started loosing weight and looks fantastic now. We're nice and kind to each other, there's passion and desire. There's love.

And the thing is I don't really know how all of this happened, how is this possible? Last spring, when it was really bad and I was thinking about the divorce, I decided that I don't really want anything bad for her and the reason was she was the mother of my kids and hurting her (for example fighting too hard for finances during the divorce) would hurt the person my kids love the most, and I didn't want to hurt my children in any way. But then I realized that this was not completely true and I was just justifying in my head. I realized I didn't want anything bad for her not only because of the kids but because I just still cared for her herself. From that moment I tried to be a bit more nice to her and fix things between us. She also changed. And then everything started to improve between us and *fast*. I wasn't expecting what happened at all. How is this possible that all the previous attempts, over many years, to fix the marriage, were almost pointless, giving not lasting results and actually the fighting becoming worse and worse over the years, and this time it just clicked? I'm worried that when I don't understand how this happened we could loose what we have now.

Out of curiosity, what do you ladies do to make him feel loved, wanted, needed, or appreciated?

Do you plan dates? Do you flirt? Do you "seduce" him? Do you do anything?

I’m super picky about cleanliness, especially when it comes to my feet. I absolutely hate the feeling of dirt or crumbs on them…it’s one of those things that instantly makes me uncomfortable and dirty.
Yesterday I mentioned my feet felt dirty after being out in sandals. I didn’t hint or ask (never have, never will). I just said it in passing. Before I could even move, my husband got up, grabbed a washcloth, and wiped the bottom of my feet.
It was an incredibly intimate moment for me. It’s the quiet, instinctive moments where someone shows you they know you, they accept you, and they want to make your world a little better.

I cried after lol. I have never had a man who is so willing to take care of me in the way he does. I feel so loved. obviously there’s so much more than what happened yesterday. I can write about him for hours. He is an incredible man and husband.

I (28F) and my husband (32M) have been married for 2.5 years. We have always communicated very well and resolve any issues together. The last issue he wanted to talk about was last night and it was that I don't do anything. When I asked him what he meant, he said that I just sit at home on the couch all day. I told him I do sit on the couch for a period watching either a movie or a couple episodes of a show, but I also can't sit still that long and feel the urge to go do something. This usually includes laundry, dishes, vacuuming, mopping, organizing, and anything else I see that I can do. He then said he didn't mean that I do nothing just that I could do more. I then asked what more he would like me to do. He started talking about how that day when he came home I hadn't put the clothes I washed, dried, and folded into his dresser and instead left them on the bed for him to put away. I responded with ok no problem I will put your clothes in the dresser but surely that can't be the reason he thought I wasn't doing enough. He then said that throughout the day when we talk (primarily via Snapchat) he always sees me just sitting on the couch. I explained that I leave my phone on the coffee table and go about whatever I'm doing and every now and then come back to check it and snapchat him back. So yes I am sitting on the couch but by no means have I been there all day.

For some context we recently moved about a month and a half ago. We had this same discussion the last time we moved a couple years ago, that " I don't do anything". When we moved a couple of years ago we went from Colorado to North Carolina for a job for him. I quit my job in Colorado and after settling into the house began job hunting in North Carolina. At first he didn't want me to work and to just take care of things around the house. A few months later he brought up that he thought I didn't do anything so I got a job and stayed there for a year and a half until he got another job here in Virginia. So again I quit my job and over the last month and a half we were slowly moving into our new house. We are finally done moving and only making trips back to the NC house to do some touch ups to sell. (Bought the house in NC and are renting in VA). Last week I got a part time job but wasn't able to start until this Friday, so I'm hoping that will be enough to make him stop thinking I don't do anything.

At this point I don't know how to fix his discomfort or irritation with me not doing enough because when asked he just brought up the having to put his clothes away portion which obviously was an easy fix. I feel like there is something else bothering him and he just doesn't know how or doesn't want to tell me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Married 25 years and can’t remember the last time a kiss was more than a peck on the lips. I kinda miss the days when we used to snog for hours….

Okay so I feel like the title says it all.

I used to buy my own underwear but she always complained about what I'd pick, so eventually she just started buying it herself. Usually for Christmas or just whenever I needed more.

For the past 10 years or so she's always bought the same style, different from what I used to wear. They've always fit kinda tight when they're new but they loosen up after a bit so I never really thought much of it. If she notices they're getting worn out or too loose she asks me to just throw them out and she will replace them.

Today I was putting on a brand new pair and I said "These are a bit tight but they'll work themselves out."

She laughed and admitted she's always been buying them a size too small because she likes seeing a D-print, like intentionally... for a decade!

Just to be clear, this isn't a brag about size or anything. I'm only *very* slightly above average.

So... how would you take that? Part of me is really flattered that after 15 years together she still looks at me like that, and part of me is just sitting here thinking... you've been secretly buying my underwear too small for a decade?!

Also apparently I've lost my "walking around in just underwear" privileges with the rest of the household. I accept their judgment. 😆

M38 typical mid life crisis dude
Married but lost if this means anything

Wife very busy on phone - when I bring topic I get shoved off

Have asked directly , if i need to be worried but I’m always told no ..

What should i do ? Am I being an insecure guy ?

Me and my toddler arranged that we would have dinner together with my husband. Husband arrives at 8pm instead of 6:30pm. Communication is kept active between us throughout, him saying that he would be home soon but was caught up in an awkward social situation in which he couldn't get out of.

I am now mainly hungry and disappointed. It would've been better if he told me "have dinner without me" and got back home whatever hour he wanted/was able to.

Am I being the worst?

I (33F) recently made a friend group of other moms with kids my sons age (just turned 3). We had been doing Tuesday night dinners at one of their houses every week and its been great. It gets me and my son out of the house, he gets to socialize with other kids his age.

Well the friend that had been hosting is going through some stuff and hasn't been able to host anymore. This ended up with me and one of the other moms really hitting it off and talking a ton. We later found out she adopted my cousins daughter also which is an insane story. Anyway so they have come over a day out of the week for the last few weeks kind of randomly. My husband (40) is super quiet and kind of to himself and he likes to game after work. I was going to have them come over today because its going to be raining the rest of the week and he got all annoyed about it because apparently one of her kids kept asking him a lot of questions and he didn't like it (like about whatever game he was playing).

Now husband has stormed outside to let the dogs out talking about how hes the bad guy now because yeah it kind of upset me how irritated he sounded when I asked him if it was OK they come over and the kids can play outside for a while. Ive now let my friend know today isn't a good day but it just doesnt feel good at all. I dont know what im looking for here, im just sad and frustrated that it feels like I cant comfortably have a friend over without it upsetting him. Sorry if this was a bit of a ramble and thanks for reading if you did 😅

Quick background: my wife and I are older newlyweds; her second marriage, my first. I changed careers a few years before we met and work a boring but steady office job with good benefits, regular salary/hours and PTO. My wife has also shifted careers recently (food/drink sales to bartender/FOH) and for the time we've been together, has been unsteadily/underemployed or unemployed. As of a month or two ago, she works full time for a very cool restaurant and bar.

This job is definitely the best she's had as far as steady hours, pay and environment. It's even super close to our house, so she basically has no commute! However, she has been making comments like 'I know you hate my job...' fairly often and I try to reassure her I do not.

And I don't. I have, however, talked with her about some things that have concerned me as they've come up.

Mostly, I do not think our schedules is sustainable indefinitely. She leaves for work before I get home and when she gets home, I'm fast asleep. When I leave for work, she is asleep. Since she always works weekends and holidays, we basically have less than 24 hours together a week. This has lead to some communication issues, plus feeling like I have had to take on more than my fair share of the housework/life admin. She also has to request time off/find coverage and often gets denied, which makes planning for and attending social events difficult. Basically, I feel like I have to make an appointment to talk with her and then I don't want to overwhelm her with a bunch of logistics and life stuff that's piled up during the week.

I have also recently strongly convinced her to combine our finances more. Our gross pay is pretty much the same, but her take home pay is much higher than mine, since I carry insurance premiums and retirement savings through my job. This allows us to save more for things like health expenses (we both have quite a few), car upkeep, home improvements, an emergency fund and non-work retirement accounts, as well as fun stuff. It means she has less money to spend on herself, so she's not a fan...but also means I have the ability to pay all our bills, not drain savings and sometimes even have fun money for myself.

The most recent thing has been the fact that she has repeatedly injured herself while at work (three times this year alone). Not minor injuries either, but serious, painful sprains and dislocations that have meant she's had to miss work (and life) for extended periods of time. She does not get paid time off to cover this and she's not happy being laid up at home unable to move without pain.

Right now, she's attending a training on her day off (meaning we have to reschedule a wedding venue walkthrough and can't say til when until she checks with her boss) and may or not be returning to work tomorrow, as she has one arm in a sling. If she 'pushes through' this injury (complete dislocation of her shoulder), there's the possibility of (re)tearing a tendon, needing surgery again and being completely unable to do anything for months.

I do not want to control her or talk shit about a job she loves. I love that she loves her job. But how can I better live with the difficulties this job seems to be causing?

My story is a strange one. We got married very young - me 21 and her 23 - shortly after my Mormon mission. We agreed to wait for kids but shortly after marriage she changed her mind.

We found out pretty quickly that we’d have fertility issues and for the first couple years life was hard and we almost ended it. In a last ditch to save our crumbling marriage - my wife suggested we look into foster care for infants to fill the hole she was struggling with.

Long story short, we adopted a sibling group of five kids, and then just before our tenth anniversary we had our first biological child and a second one a year later for a total of 7. I was only 31 when our youngest was born.

Our adopted kids have a wide range of mental health issues stemming from abuse and neglect by their bio parents. It’s caused a lot of suffering, frustration, and burnout.

I feel like I cheated myself out of a normal young adult experience due to my Mormon brainwashing to marry as quickly as possible. I don’t think we were ever truly in love with each other, and calling it a marriage today seems like a fraud. We’re roommates who have sex once a month at best. I’m not sure if staying together for the kids is the right thing to do anymore.

Kind of blindsided but not really. I just want to know what to do or expect. We just got a house and a car. This person has literally mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused me (I.E. pushed me because he said I’m ungrateful, slapped me because I caught him talking to or following his ex, spat on me, got me investigated etc.). I just want to play chess not checkers. I’m not the most perfect person either but I demand respect and it’s time I leave too. I need advice. Also he’s cheated emotionally and I feel like this is one of his gimmicks to see if the grass is greener on the other side.

My husband recently shared that, after years of feeling rejected and undesired sexually, he no longer knows if he's in love with me or feels sexually attracted to me or where our relationship goes from here. He told me he's willing to give me time to show I'm serious about changing, but he's understandably cautious because he feels anyone can change for a few days before falling back into old patterns. I can understand he feels defeated and so at this time he said it's on me to fix things. And I want to take full responsibility. I'm in individual therapy to help me take accountability, to help with empathy building. I definitely have the lower libido. Even non sexual touching sometimes can feel "a lot" for me. He has worked on things that I thought could affecting my libido like working on his mental health, helping more at home. I even stopped birth control because I thought that could be playing a role...

For those who were the spouse who felt rejected or undesired:

- What actually helped you believe your spouse's change was genuine?
- What behaviors over time mattered most?
- What made you feel emotionally safe enough to rebuild intimacy?

Or, if you were the spouse who had caused those feelings, what did you learn that you wish you had understood sooner?

I'm not looking for predictions about whether my marriage will survive. I'm genuinely trying to understand the perspective of my husband and learn what healthy rebuilding looks like.

This may be normal. It is the first time it's happened to me in our 12 years of being together.
My husband (M 36) and me ( F 33) have been together for 12 years, married for 6 and have 3 small kids. Honestly our sex life is the best it's been in a long time, especially with having little kids.

We work together and we're about to hop on a zoom meeting, it's 9 AM, he is in our office upstairs and I'm downstairs with our kids. I put our AirPods in and I'm hearing sex happening on the other side, I've walked upstairs to look at him and see him sitting there watching porn.

I'm not sure if this is usual behavior, because it's the first time it's happened to me. But I guess I am just wondering if this is normal for men to do?

He told me about a year and a half ago that he stopped watching porn, and it really improved our sex life.

But something about catching them doing it in the middle of the morning was extremely offputting to me.

Advice welcome, thanks.

To keep it brief, I've been struggling with my wife and our marriage since around the third month of her postpartum journey. It was at this time that I went back to work (March through mid-May) and could sense a switch almost immediately. I would be gone from 7 AM to 4 PM and as soon as I came home would take over caring for the baby. I did most of the household tasks as well (cleaning, dishes, laundry, trash) and took care of our dog (his nightly walks, etc.) She was still exhausted and very lethargic, but I expected this and didn't try to push for any type of intimacy or do anything that would have added any additional stress. But she began making odd comments around this time (talking about her ex, bringing up how I might be better suited for other women -- and the women were not as attractive as my wife) and became increasingly passive aggressive ("well I could do [task] if the goal was for it to only be 90% done" -- an example that springs to mind is me bringing the trash out, the dog whining when I came in and putting water in his bowl before replacing trash bag. She threw something out during this window and made the remark).

In mid-May our roles swapped and I took the back half of my leave when she returned to work (it fed into my summer break - I teach - and so I am still off now). Since she has gone back to work and the comments have only increased and I am running out of patience with the postpartum hormonal excuse. I do all of the childcare and still do 90% of household tasks. I was hospitalized for a few days (she was pissed I originally suggested I needed to go to the ER) around her third week back and she was clearly bothered by this, and for the next five days after I returned she kept talking about how exhausted she was and how she needed to catch up on sleep. She logged off from work the Thursday and Friday night of that week, only interacted with our daughter and didn't speak to me for about 48 hours. She then told friends and family that she had been worried sick about me and had wished "I'd slow down and ask for help." She also made comments that I have a high pain tolerance so she was concerned when I went to the ER (again, she told me not to go morning of). It didn't make much sense given that her actions were not aligned to that reality.

As I am approaching my return to work, she is increasingly annoyed with me, and two days ago when we were driving to our daycare (meet the staff) she kept snapping at me that I was going to tell them useless information (on the intake sheet it asked what her current day-to-day looks like and I mentioned stroller walks). She slammed the car door when we arrived and didn't talk to me during the meet & greet or on the ride home. I've tried asking about how she's feeling and her only response is "it's not that deep". She continues to take shots at me, telling me that if I lose my hair she'd be annoyed (I haven't had any hair loss -- and she frequently talks about how her ex went bald) and that my face care is lazy (I have no breakouts).

I have been hesitant to really address any of these as she clearly has a lot on her plate and none of these behaviors seem characteristic of the woman I married and knew pre-pregnancy. I'm trying to give her time but I am also starting to feel incredibly isolated and it's clear to me that I'm not even in the top 5 in terms of priorities. Any advice would be appreciated, or thoughts. Honestly I just needed to vent this somewhere.

My husband (late 20s) and I (early 30s) recently moved from a small apartment into a much nicer high-rise with beautiful views and great amenities.
Before I continue, I want to give some context because I don’t want to paint my in-laws unfairly.
My mother-in-law is genuinely one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. She’s incredibly kind, thoughtful, and has always made me feel like part of the family.
My father-in-law is a little more complicated. In my personal opinion, he has some narcissistic traits and definitely enjoys showing people things that make him proud. That said, he has always treated me extremely well. He’s never been rude or disrespectful toward me. We actually have a good relationship.
That’s why I’m so conflicted. I don’t think either of them is trying to upset me or intentionally cross my boundaries. I genuinely believe they’re proud of our new home and excited about it.
What’s bothering me is that when we lived in our previous apartment, they almost never visited. They never showed much interest in coming over or spending time there.
Since we moved into our new place a couple of months ago, things have completely changed.
Here’s roughly what’s happened:
My MIL came on moving day to help us settle in.
The following weekend we spent a lot of time together.
A week later she came over again.
Shortly after that, she wanted to bring someone who was staying with them just so he could see our apartment. I wasn’t comfortable with that and I told my husband, so they didn’t actually come inside, but they still came to the building and we met nearby instead.
A few days later my FIL came over with his 2 cousins.
Then there was another visit (on 4th of July) with several family members (5 people came over).
Not long after that my MIL came back with relatives visiting from overseas.
And now they want to come over again, this time bringing some of my FIL’s friends to see our apartment.
At this point it honestly feels like our apartment has become a tourist attraction.
The thing is, I don’t mind having family over. I actually enjoy spending time with them. What bothers me is feeling like people are constantly being invited over specifically to see our apartment, almost like it’s something to show off.
I’m also a very private person. I value my personal space, my privacy, and my routines. Home is the one place where I want to completely relax.
For example, tonight is one of my usual after-work evenings. I finish work, go to therapy, go to the gym, come home, shower, eat dinner, and decompress. I honestly don’t want to spend my evening entertaining guests or making small talk when all I want is a quiet night at home. Even if nobody expects me to “host,” I still feel like I have to be present and socialize because they’re guests in my home.
I told my husband how this makes me feel. He thinks I’m overreacting. He says his parents are simply proud of us and excited about the apartment. He also gets frustrated because this has become an argument multiple times. He says he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me and that I get upset over things that shouldn’t be a big deal.
I’ll be honest.. I can be anxious, and I know I sometimes react more strongly than I should. I’m actually on therapy because I recognize that’s something I need to work on. So I’m genuinely trying to figure out whether this is another example of me overreacting or whether my feelings are actually reasonable.
At the same time, I can’t ignore how different things are now compared to before. They barely came to our old apartment, but now there always seems to be another reason to come over and another group of people to bring along.
I don’t think my in-laws are trying to be disrespectful. My issue isn’t their intentions.. it’s the frequency and the fact that I feel like I have very little say over when our home becomes a place for visitors.
I also feel like inviting people into our home should be something that both my husband and I are comfortable with. I don’t think our apartment should automatically become a place where friends, relatives, or acquaintances are brought to “see the view” or “see the apartment” whenever someone feels like it.
Am I overreacting? Is this normal family behavior that I should just let go? Or would other people also feel uncomfortable with their home constantly becoming a place for tours, especially if they highly value privacy and their routines?