I wanted to share my story and see if anyone has been through something similar.

I love my wife, and I don’t want to get divorced. We have two kids.

When our first child was born, the first two years were incredibly hard. Our relationship became very distant. I came close to cheating, but I didn’t, and eventually things got better.

When we decided to have our second child, my biggest fear was going through that again.
And that’s exactly what happened.

I started taking Klonopin (Rivotril), went to therapy, and now I’m on antidepressants. We still have sex about once or twice a month, and she usually orgasms, so that’s not the issue.

The problem is that she’s always exhausted because of the kids. She doesn’t like talking about sex, says she has no sexual fantasies, and almost never shows any interest in it. It feels like sex has simply stopped being an important part of her life.

That frustration pushed me deeper into pornography. I developed some unusual fetishes, and I realized my porn use had become compulsive.

It took a long time in therapy for me to realize that a huge part of my anxiety was actually rooted in my sexual frustration. I also realized that pornography was making everything worse and making me extremely sensitive to feelings of rejection.

What scares me the most is that I don’t see much hope for change. Some things are obviously temporary, like having young children and being constantly exhausted. But other things seem permanent. She’s never really liked talking about sex and has no interest in exploring that part of herself.

I’m afraid of spending years waiting for a change that may never come. I love my wife, but sometimes I wonder whether I’ll be able to live like this forever, or whether I’ll eventually have to end a marriage that’s otherwise a very good one.

Has anyone been through something similar? Did things get better over time, or did you eventually realize it was simply a fundamental sexual incompatibility?

This may be normal. It is the first time it's happened to me in our 12 years of being together.
My husband (M 36) and me ( F 33) have been together for 12 years, married for 6 and have 3 small kids. Honestly our sex life is the best it's been in a long time, especially with having little kids.

We work together and we're about to hop on a zoom meeting, it's 9 AM, he is in our office upstairs and I'm downstairs with our kids. I put our AirPods in and I'm hearing sex happening on the other side, I've walked upstairs to look at him and see him sitting there watching porn.

I'm not sure if this is usual behavior, because it's the first time it's happened to me. But I guess I am just wondering if this is normal for men to do?

He told me about a year and a half ago that he stopped watching porn, and it really improved our sex life.

But something about catching them doing it in the middle of the morning was extremely offputting to me.

Advice welcome, thanks.

My story is a strange one. We got married very young - me 21 and her 23 - shortly after my Mormon mission. We agreed to wait for kids but shortly after marriage she changed her mind.

We found out pretty quickly that we’d have fertility issues and for the first couple years life was hard and we almost ended it. In a last ditch to save our crumbling marriage - my wife suggested we look into foster care for infants to fill the hole she was struggling with.

Long story short, we adopted a sibling group of five kids, and then just before our tenth anniversary we had our first biological child and a second one a year later for a total of 7. I was only 31 when our youngest was born.

Our adopted kids have a wide range of mental health issues stemming from abuse and neglect by their bio parents. It’s caused a lot of suffering, frustration, and burnout.

I feel like I cheated myself out of a normal young adult experience due to my Mormon brainwashing to marry as quickly as possible. I don’t think we were ever truly in love with each other, and calling it a marriage today seems like a fraud. We’re roommates who have sex once a month at best. I’m not sure if staying together for the kids is the right thing to do anymore.

Hi everyone! I'm not exactly new here, but this is my first time posting.

I've been married for three years, and my husband and I have been together for over 12 years. Over the years, he's occasionally brought up the idea of exploring something with another couple. I've always told him that, if I were ever to consider it, it would only be with a mature, respectful, and successful couple that we could get to know first.

This would be completely new for me, so I'm not looking to jump into anything. I'd much rather meet people, go out for dinner or drinks, have good conversations, and see if there's a genuine connection before considering anything else.

Are there any websites, apps, or communities that you would recommend for meeting like-minded couples? I'd appreciate any advice or suggestions from people with experience. Thank you!

I have this friend who's actually getting married months from now (everything is almost ready) after their almost 3 years relationship. This friend is obviously desperate to get married since she's now on her 30's and she badly wants to have kids.

During this 3 year relationship, no sex was involved neither kisses. Just hugging and sleeping together (like literally going to sleep together). During the first year of their relationship, I can really feel that he's not straight, I also had conversations with our other friends and they too have felt that something is really wrong with this guy. Like, hello? I mean, a straight man would usually get turned on even when just holding the hand of the woman he loves. and after months of being with each other alone, can you really contain those urges? That's the law of nature (forgive me if i'm wrong with these observations)

Just recently, a common friend told me that the man our friend is marrying is actually a gay but is a discreet gay and this was backed up by 2 people whom I know and were previous classmates of this man. This common friend also told me that he is not really "not active in sex" because he's sexually active with men.

I was so bothered and been contemplating whether to tell her or not because i think that SHE REALLY NEEDS TO KNOW THE TRUTH and it's up to her if she'll still accept this guy. But at the same time, i'm afraid that she's not gonna believe me and won't take this news calmly because I know this will deeply hurt her. I'm also having doubts if this guy will be able to suffice her sexual needs and that in the future i really think that this guy will cheat on her with men, and that would be very insulting and very painful as a woman.

What do you think is the right thing to do? Should I keep quiet? Or should I tell her? And how should i tell her? 😭

I 43f have been married to my 54m husband for almost 9 years. We've known eachother since I was a teenager. I love him and he's a decent husband. No major complaints.

I went to an autism screening event two weeks ago and I got a high score on the test. I've always thought I was autistic and have alot of the symptoms without any of the intellectual delays.

He knows I went for the assessment and knows I got a high score. However he doesn't know that I got a grant to pay for the actual testing. I have to fill out forms and so does my mom. He knows that she's filling out some kind of family history for my mental health therapist but not what its about. I altered the form before I gave it to my mom to eliminate any indications of what they were testing for because I didn't want it to skew the results.

So anyways the point is I just want to do this on my own. My husband is my carer and always deals with my autistic issues and running interference between me and social interactions that make me breakdown. For this I just want to do it alone so they can see how I deal with the testing without my fail safe.

I guess my question is is this wrong? Am I lying to him? Is this against the vows to share everything? Thoughts?

I have a genuine question for people who married their significant other and has only known/seen them with a beard. When they removed the beard, and let’s say they don’t look at all like you’re used to/like, do you feel any sense of betrayal? Is your attraction affected and only mended when they grow the beard back? Hoping that the loving bond you’ve created is enough to not let something like this be an issue, Wondering how many people have experienced anything like this. I am not yet married nor have experienced this but going through guys on tinder and seeing pics with beards vs pics of them shaved where they look like a totally different person/not as attractive at all has me wondering.

My husband is constantly complaining about spending money every day I’d like to give some context I am a stay at home wife who is currently pregnant I don’t get my nails done I don’t do my hair all I do is go grocery shopping go to church cook every day clean and take care of our active mini schnauzer sometimes he asks for specific dinners that require ingredients we don’t have at home so I’ll have him stop by and grab it apparently today it’s pissing him off that sometimes I speak on my cravings (currently I’m craving chicken wings covered in ranch) I told him next time we go grocery shopping I’m gunna get us chicken wings so I can make them at home he has a gambling problem and spent over 3000$ this month and has been stressing about money I tell him we’re ok I have enough food in the house to make us simple meals I usually make crazy elaborate meals I must’ve made him feel bad that we can’t get chicken wings for me because he started telling me “ever since we got together he’s spending money everyday” but I don’t spend money on me I ask him to grab things he wants for dinner ohhhh I also don’t have my own car so I can’t go anywhere without him knowing or being with me he has always been a bit selfish and I guess I’m used to it because that’s how my mother is but lately since I got pregnant I’m regretting having a child with this man if there are any men reading this can I get advice or suggestions on what I should do

As an example:

A CEO's wife visited his company and found out his secretary's outfit is not modest with a tight shirt and a mini skirt, what would be the wife's thought/reaction?

Would she:

- think that the secretary is seeking attention.

- be sus to her husband.

- notice it but skip

- won't even care

Please comment with your opinions

My wife, female 43, only wants to eat and sleep all the time. If she does not every 2 hours like a new born baby, she will get mad and get abusive. Sometimes will physically attack if she thinks you are in any way impeding her feeding mode. Then she will go to her hibernation or sleep mode. And when she wakes up, will all that work of chewing she will be hungry again and eat again. This is her normal cycle. Then if she sees person who is less than 200 pounds, she will start commenting that the ey are anorexic. She does not work and she knows she is fat. But she thinks being fat gives her upper hand in the marriage. How to tell her that I cannot take it anymore without getting hurt. I am she is gout o attack.

I have been married for two and a half years. By pure coincidence, I discovered that my husband had a past relationship with another woman before we got married. It’s a long story how I found out.
What I discovered was that she used to come to his house, and they had oral sexual activity. I also saw their old conversations. From what I read, it was actually my husband who ended the relationship because he no longer wanted to be with her. She kept begging him to come back, sending him many messages, crying, and trying to convince him not to leave. He has no idea that I saw those messages.
Afterward, I confronted him about it. He told me he has absolutely no feelings for her anymore. He even said that if he had wanted her, he could have proposed to her and married her, but he had no desire to do that and completely rejected the idea.
To be honest, he has never been neglectful toward me. He spoils me, travels with me, and treats me very well. The problem is that I constantly have intrusive thoughts. I’m afraid he compares my body to hers, imagines her instead of me, or thinks about her during intimate moments. These thoughts are preventing me from enjoying my marriage and living my life normally.
Could the fact that they had oral sex make it difficult for him to forget her? Regarding intercourse, he swore to me that they never had vaginal sex, and he admitted everything that happened between them.

I'm currently going through a separation, and my in-laws are refusing to return my gold ring, which belongs to me. On top of that, they're also demanding that I hand over my mobile phone and laptop.

The thing is, I bought both the phone and laptop with the salami (cash gifts) I received at my wedding. It was my money, and I purchased them myself. They weren't gifts from my husband or his family.

They're now claiming that everything associated with the marriage belongs to them, which doesn't make sense to me. I feel like they're trying to pressure me into giving up things that are rightfully mine.

Has anyone been through something similar? Legally and practically, do they have any right to keep my gold ring or demand my phone and laptop? I'm in Pakistan, so I'd especially appreciate advice from anyone familiar with Pakistani family law.

I'm feeling exhausted and frustrated by all of this. Any guidance or shared experiences would really help. Thank you.

Throwaway because my husband uses Reddit.
I’m 27F. My husband (let’s call him “Tom”) is 39M. We met at a gym in Europe in 2019 when I was 20 and he was 32 (although he originally told me he was 30 and only admitted his real age a few days before our engagement).
Yes, I know how this story sounds.
I was about to move to Canada with my family, and we fell in love very quickly. Looking back, we rushed everything. We got engaged after only a few months because we wanted to stay together.
Our immigration plans were delayed, so we lived together in his father’s home for about two years. He didn’t have a stable career, no car, and mostly worked occasional jobs for his father. That wasn’t a dealbreaker to me because that’s not unusual where we’re from.
Eventually I moved to Canada first. I later returned, we got married, I became pregnant with our first child, and I sponsored him to Canada. He actually didn’t want to leave our home country, but he did because of our relationship.
We started over from scratch.
Since then, I honestly feel like I’ve carried almost every major responsibility.
I found better-paying jobs. I went back to college while working full time. I take care of almost all the paperwork. I handle daycare, school registrations, sports, appointments, taxes, immigration paperwork, bills, and planning. I helped him enroll in college here, helped with assignments, applications, and finances. I completed almost all of the paperwork for his Canadian citizenship.
He works a physically demanding job, and I absolutely acknowledge that. I know he’s tired.
But I feel exhausted too.
What hurts me isn’t that he works hard.
It’s that he rarely takes initiative.
Whenever there’s a problem, he waits for me to solve it.
Whenever I solve it, he criticizes how I solved it.
Examples:
We bought our first house. My parents helped financially and my dad spent countless hours renovating it. Instead of appreciating it, my husband mostly complained about the kitchen, floors, doors, colors, etc. He never looked for contractors himself or suggested alternatives.
We bought a new vehicle because our old one was falling apart. First he blamed me and my dad for the old car. Then after buying the new one, he complained that buying it was a mistake.
Every vacation I organize ends with complaints.
Every birthday party becomes stressful because he says he doesn’t feel involved or doesn’t want to participate.
Mother’s Day came and went without flowers, a card, or really any effort.
The biggest issue is that he always seems unhappy.
No matter what we achieve together, there’s always something wrong.
He has no close friends here because, according to him, everyone has something wrong with them.
He complains about work.
He complains about people.
He complains about the house.
He complains about Canada.
He complains about almost everything.
Last week was what really broke me.
After years of paperwork, my husband finally became a Canadian citizen.
I completed almost everything for the application. The only thing he had to do was attend the ceremony.
He wanted an online ceremony, but he had been assigned an in-person one. I suggested we just attend it instead of trying to change it at the last minute.
After the ceremony ended, instead of celebrating, he pulled away when I tried to congratulate him and said:
“Whenever I listen to you, everything gets ruined. I should have done it online. You wasted my time.”
The ceremony was about 2½ hours.
The online version is also about 2½ hours.
He’s an adult. If he truly wanted it online, he could have contacted Immigration himself.
Instead, somehow it became my fault.
Later he apologized and blamed the heat and being overwhelmed.
But this is the pattern.
He hurts me.
He apologizes.
A few days later something similar happens again.
Another example:
We were looking through old photos together.
He looked at one from before I had our two children and said something like,
“Wow…you had such a great body back then.”
That one really hurt.
Then, the same day as the citizenship ceremony, we were listening to a podcast with a woman from our home country.
He looked at her and casually said,
“Wow, she’s so beautiful.”
Now, I’m honestly not someone who is generally insecure.
I know I’m an attractive woman. I don’t struggle with self-esteem. That’s actually why this hurt so much.
It wasn’t that he thought another woman was beautiful.
It was that I can’t remember the last time he looked at me with that kind of admiration.
When I pointed it out, he first insisted he compliments me all the time.
Later he admitted he only said it “to make me mad.”
Again…
Apology afterward.
Hugs.
Kisses.
“I’m sorry.”
But nothing changes.
I don’t want an apology anymore.
I want effort.
I want someone who plans a date once in a while.
Who buys flowers occasionally.
Who makes me feel appreciated.
Who doesn’t automatically blame me every time something inconveniences him.
Who doesn’t make me feel like I’m carrying both the physical and mental load of our family.
I’m not claiming to be perfect. I’m sure I have faults too. I can be emotional, and I know I sometimes overthink things. I’m also aware that I made some very rushed decisions early in this relationship.
But I’m starting to wonder whether this is just who he is.
Is this emotional abuse?
Is this learned helplessness?
Is he depressed?
Or am I simply expecting too much from marriage?
I’d really appreciate honest opinions—even if you think I’m part of the problem. I genuinely want outside perspectives because I don’t know if I’m becoming overly sensitive or if I’ve slowly accepted treatment that isn’t normal.

I want to start by saying I do love my wife, she’s been super great for me and I have no intentions of divorce.

We got married last September, both in our early 30’s, both from different countries, but I don’t think that really matters.

I loved single life, I loved the excitement of being free, could travel do what I wanted when i wanted. I was active, rocking climbing, very social I loved dating around and just getting to know new people. I was a serial breaker upper. After a few months of dating I’d always break up with the girl. When I went to break up with my wife while we were dating I got overwhelmed with the feeling of I’m never gonna find someone better than her, and it’s going to be pretty sad of me To keep up my lifestyle in my 30’s. Stayed together and after a year and half of dating we got married.

After getting married i feel like my identity has been lost. I’m not the same person i was whether for better or worse. I miss dating and getting to know new girls. I’ve never acted on those urges and I have zero plans to ever start.

I’m not climbing as much, my life is more go to work, go home, sleep and repeat.

We’ve agreed to wait a year before attempting to have kids and I’m Pretty excited about the idea of having kids.

But I just can’t let go of my old life. It was pretty sweet.

Currently travelling with my wife in her home country and where I used to love travelling I’m kinda bored and want to go home.

I guess back story to me, I’ve never had a good relationship with my parents, so I’ve always been super independent, now my wife takes an equal share of responsibilities.

I’ve suffered a level of depression throughout my life, I’ve got it under control other than when I’m tired I get pretty bad.

I’m really just a little lost.

Is it kinda normal in a lot of cases? Do I just have a personality that vibes more on being a lone wolf? Do I need more time to spend on myself? Has my life of independence set me up for failure in a marriage?

Would love to just have some feedback, positive or negative welcome.

My wife and I have been married for 22 years, and have known each other since the start of high school. We had a pretty active and normal sex life- few times a week, foreplay/different positions/different locations, etc…. As of the last four years, we are lucky to go at it once a week, sometimes every other week. Lately, I have noticed that we have sex the night before, she is masterbating the following morning when I head off to work.

I can’t tell if my ego is getting the worst of me, or she doesn’t want to admit she isn’t enjoying sex, or at least fully satisfied. I remember her really criticizing a friends relationship when she found out the friends boyfriend would go rub one out after their sexy time, and my wife thought it was completely disgusting and disrespectful. However, I kind of feel this is a similar scenario.

I have asked her point blank recently if she is satisfied sexually with our relationship and she is for the most part but has mentioned that she wants me to take control more. We recently had a night that was some of the best sex we ( at least I thought we) had in a while. I was telling her what to do, and it all seemed like she was into it. However the next morning, she seemed to get her self off on her own after I headed out the door.

Am I tripping over nothing, or is there something I should be concerned with and/or do to address this. All this time it feels like she is just going thru the motions, which makes me uninterested in initiating and I seemingly can’t enjoy sex like I use to.

Thoughts?

Like a lot of people I haven't exactly enjoyed my relationship to say the least. I'm a bad husband, my wife is an asshole and we don't like eachother. Neither one of us is a victim.

I had been under the assumption we had a somewhat silent agreement to stay together for the children. The other day I overheard my wife having a conversation with one of her sisters that proved that isn't the case.

She said and I quote (my husband is good for paying all of the bills, the mortgage and our cottage) other than this he's deficient in every way.

I'm not mad she vented about me to her sister, we've all done it however, I've always pointed out her good points when I do this such as her being a good mother a great cook, very intelligent fairly attractive.

And I guess in her mind she did point out my strong points which apparently are only financial.

This has me re thinking why I'm staying. If money is all I'm good for then I'll keep paying for the home since my children are happy there and I will leave.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

I have been asking him to help more with yard work. I mentioned to him around 12 that the yard needed done. So he got up and went out to do it shirtless. No sunscreen or anything. He comes back in an hour later pissed off and burnt really bad. I tried to hand him a water and he didn’t want it. I tried to over him a cold shower uninterrupted and he said no. I said why didn’t you wear a shirt? The sun is blistering out there. I also said hey I think we have sunscreen Why didn’t you get some? And he blamed it on me said he didn’t know we had it. I said just ask. He started blaming me and saying it’s my fault for telling him to do it at the hottest part of the day. I explained that I said it needed done I didn’t necessarily mean it had to be in the middle of noon at the hottest point of the day and I sure as hell didn’t mean he had to do it shirtless and without sunscreen. So then I got mad that he blamed me. And then he goes well I’m sure you enjoy your nice air conditioned job I’m sure it’s really hard but I work all night in a hot factory .. him insulting my work and making it seem like it’s not as hard as his really upsets me because he’s never been that kind of guy to compare. he does this a lot when I set boundaries and ask him to pull his weight

Me 33M and my wife 33F have been married for close to 5 years. 2 kids 4 and 2 and we’re a happy family. I work she stays at home with the kids it works.

When it comes to sex we have a decent sex life it’s about the same everytime which I’m okay with but she never goes down on me anymore. I give her oral almost everytime because I love it.

Curious if anyone has dealt with this or knows why?

When I try to bring it up she gets uncomfortable and dodges the question.

A month ago, I miscarried at almost 10 weeks. It was so hard. Literally no words can do it justice. Ever since, I’ve just felt like I’m done. I have no goals, no aspirations, no wants. I just distract myself, cry in private, berate and get mad at my husband for every little thing (literally could just be him breathing).
I even told him a number of times that I’m not sure our marriage is going to work.
I feel so bad for him, I just feel so irate and angry.
Like I can’t even describe how just plain fed up & mad I feel so often. I get sick to my stomach. I just can’t feel any excitement and I don’t look forward to anything. Even the idea of being pregnant again, no matter how much I miss my pregnancy, makes me so angry.
Most of the time, I just want my husband to leave me alone, but I also feel so stinking alone, lonely and ignored. I want to fix our marriage/dynamics, but I also don’t want to because that just sounds like so much work and I can’t deal with that right now.
Has anyone went through anything similar? Any advice?

My wife and I keep having the same fight. She goes outside for a walk without telling me where, and when I ask, she says she doesn't need my permission. Lately her big complaint is that I "control" her by coming outside when she's out there—specifically between 2-8pm, which happens to be when three different men in our apartment complex get off work. She wants me to just stay inside during those hours and not come out at all—worth noting, I pay all the bills, so she's essentially asking me not to come outside of a house I pay for.

Case in point, tonight: I was sitting outside with her while she waited to go cook dinner, planning to head to the store before dark and take the dog and trash out. As soon as one of the guys walked by, she went inside to start cooking. At one point a few of the men came over to pet the dog, and I joked that petting the dog was "a good way to meet me" — half-trolling her, but also half not.

She calls me insecure and obsessive, but we haven't been intimate in a long time and haven't shared a bed in 6 months. When I try to mention it, she flips it back on me. She used to say goodnight and kiss me before bed—that's stopped too. She is nice to everyone else but me, it seems.

A few other things are going on:

• She wants a job, and I got her a good-paying one at a doctor's office. Now she says it's my "approved place for her to work" and calls me "daddy" about it sarcastically.
• She is keen to join a mixed-gender gym instead of a women's-only one I offered to pay for. One of the men from the apartments goes to that same gym. I also bought her about $2k in home workout equipment (including a $500 treadmill) that's barely been used.
• One of the guys found out my son works at Walmart and started timing his visits to when she picks him up—even on days he doesn't normally work. After I caught them talking in the parking lot, I started picking up my son myself instead.
• She doesn't want a home security camera, saying it would be "spying."
• She's mentioned that divorcing me first "wouldn't count as cheating" (she's religious—believes in "once saved, always saved").
• Her recurring complaints about me: that I ignore her because I work from my computer (I'm a coder, working 12 hours per day, pulling in $12-15k per month on projects), that I act more like a parent than a husband. Because she gets out of whack and never can keep a routine. She hasn't had to work for 18 years; she blows through money on stupid stuff.

Some background: we met in a video game 18 years ago. She got pregnant the first time we met in person. I later found out she'd been cheating on her boyfriend with me—when I finally went to meet her, he'd just moved out, but they were apparently still sleeping together, and she'd play video games with me while he was around. These days we can't even play games together—she ends up playing with other men, and I quit because I wanted that time to actually be with her.

So—is wanting her to not be outside during a specific 6-hour window when three particular guys are around actually "controlling," or is there something else going on here? Is this some kind of mind game? Would it help if I stopped reacting altogether and just acted like I didn't care?

Need some inspiration for spice up sex

Drop your sex bucket list

People of reddit what's on your sex bucket list

(Also we planned some international trips I'm planning for some sex souvenir concept any suggestions)

We’ve been together since 2017. Married in 2020. Last year after playing tennis one night, I was taunting him about all of the games I beat him in. As I was taunting him, he starting sounding out the word “Nnnnnnnnn….” and before I finished my sentence he said it. “N***ER”. He called me the n word with a hard r. I’m Afro Latina (Zoe Saldana-ish) and he is Asian.

He’s never been racist. In fact, it wasn’t until last year that I noticed he started showing signs of racism. I don’t know why I’m having a delayed response to this… maybe it’s because I’ve been putting patterns together.

In a group chat, some of our friends shared pictures of a neighborhood with Halloween decor and they said it was a beautiful and safe neighborhood. He replied “that’s because there are no (ninja emoji)”. Nobody responded to that and I had a stern talk with him about it.

Years ago (while married) when i talked about what are future kids might look like, I said what If they are pale like you and he said “let’s hope”.

These are things you just don’t forget.

2 weeks ago while watching FIFA I said “wow France definitely looks like France”. And he said “what do you mean babe there’s a black guy in the other team too haha”. And I told him “not everything is about race, I was talking about the uniforms”.

He noticed I was very bothered by that and kind of put his shoulders down in shame once the game was over 2 hours later.

I just have a major ick. I feel like he is regressing. He has exhibited other red flags such as major corn addiction. And hint hint. Everyone is Asian or blonde.

I (33F) recently made a friend group of other moms with kids my sons age (just turned 3). We had been doing Tuesday night dinners at one of their houses every week and its been great. It gets me and my son out of the house, he gets to socialize with other kids his age.

Well the friend that had been hosting is going through some stuff and hasn't been able to host anymore. This ended up with me and one of the other moms really hitting it off and talking a ton. We later found out she adopted my cousins daughter also which is an insane story. Anyway so they have come over a day out of the week for the last few weeks kind of randomly. My husband (40) is super quiet and kind of to himself and he likes to game after work. I was going to have them come over today because its going to be raining the rest of the week and he got all annoyed about it because apparently one of her kids kept asking him a lot of questions and he didn't like it (like about whatever game he was playing).

Now husband has stormed outside to let the dogs out talking about how hes the bad guy now because yeah it kind of upset me how irritated he sounded when I asked him if it was OK they come over and the kids can play outside for a while. Ive now let my friend know today isn't a good day but it just doesnt feel good at all. I dont know what im looking for here, im just sad and frustrated that it feels like I cant comfortably have a friend over without it upsetting him. Sorry if this was a bit of a ramble and thanks for reading if you did 😅

I (39 F) left active duty in 2019, joined the Air National Guard, landed my dream job, and finally gave my two boys the stable life I’d always promised them.

Around that time I met my now husband (36 M).

Our relationship had a messy start. We weren’t exclusive at first and both dated other people, but everything was out in the open. Once we committed, we were completely devoted to each other. We spent four years building a relationship through military assignments and long distance.

He deployed to Afghanistan, then moved to South Carolina. I stayed in Florida because I’d promised my kids stability. We made the distance work—we talked for hours every day, visited whenever possible, and never doubted each other’s commitment.

In late 2022 he received orders to Spain. Before he left, we got married in an impromptu ceremony in Savannah with my parents, my grandmother, and my boys. We bought rings that morning and I grabbed a dress from Kohl’s. It wasn’t extravagant, but it was perfect.

A few months later he left for Spain. We decided it was best for me and my children to stay in Florida rather than uproot their lives. Despite the distance, we traveled all over Europe together over the next two years. Spain, Switzerland, Greece, Ireland, Scotland, Portugal, France. I truly believed we had an incredible marriage.

Then everything fell apart.

While we were celebrating Christmas together in Scotland in December 2025, I received an anonymous message saying my husband had been having an affair since shortly after arriving in Spain.

He immediately denied it.

But over the next several months, the truth came out one painful piece at a time.

First they were “just friends.”

Then they “only kissed.”

Then they “only had sex once.”

Eventually I learned it had been a two-year affair with his realtor that started less than four months after we got married. She knew he was married. He blocked her whenever I visited Spain, then resumed the relationship after I left. She ultimately created anonymous accounts to contact me after he ended things harassing me from fake and real profiles for over a year.

When he returned stateside, he begged me to work on our marriage. I agreed, but I made my expectations crystal clear: complete honesty, transparency, therapy, and absolutely no secret friendships with women.

Instead, I spent the next 16 months getting breadcrumbed with more lies.

Every time I thought I knew the full story, another piece surfaced.

He blamed the affair on distance. Then on feeling disconnected. Then even claimed he wasn’t physically attracted to me—despite constantly telling me the exact opposite before and after.

Whenever I wanted to talk about the affair, he’d tell me we’d “already discussed it” or he’d deliberately go to sleep to avoid dealing with my emotions.

We started marriage counseling, but most sessions turned into him wanting to discuss mistakes from the beginning of our relationship instead of the affair itself. Or Focused on his feelings and not actually attempting to show up for me and lean into healing. We spent this time fighting each other and not for our marriage.

Meanwhile, I was in weekly individual therapy, adjusting medications with my psychiatrist, trying to keep functioning at work, while slowly withdrawing from friends and family because I was so ashamed and emotionally exhausted.

Then things got even stranger.

He became suspicious of me.

He monitored my location, tracked my internet traffic through our home router, accused me of secretly using Snapchat, and demanded explanations for where I’d been.

Ironically, after accusing me of using Snapchat, I downloaded it out of spite. Months later he demanded to know my Snap score. It was 2. I’d literally never used it for anything inappropriate. And if I’m honest, downloaded and created an account in the middle of an argument since it seemed to come at such a high recommendation from my husband (yes, it was petty, but still haven’t received any dick pics…wild!)

Eventually we separated.

Before moving out, he handed me a handwritten confession that included far more than the affair I’d already known about.

He admitted he’d been on Tinder, Ashley Madison, and other dating platforms on and off since 2020. He admitted to exchanging sexually explicit messages, photos and videos with at least nine other women he personally knew. He admitted subscribing to OnlyFans accounts, including one belonging to an ex-girlfriend and a girl he met at my brother’s wedding.

Even after all of that, he insisted he wanted to save the marriage.

Then three weeks after moving out, I discovered he’d been making plans with another woman to visit him. They met during our “recovery” met training. Once again, I was told they were “just friends.” Once again, I later learned he’d deleted their messages and hid that they had been secretly communicating for over 8 months.

Now we’re separated.

He says he wants to reconcile and restart marriage counseling, but he’s still repeating the same behaviors.

Recently I found out he’d been regularly going to dinner and drinks alone with a female coworker. To make things worse we actually work in the same building, and at work he acts like everything is perfectly normal between us. Most people don’t know we are no longer living together.

I told him from day one that if reconciliation was going to work, there could be no secret friendships with women. That’s a boundary, not a punishment.

Today I checked his shared location because something felt off. He’d told me he was just “relaxing, gaming with the boy this weekend”

Instead, he was out… dinner and drink with his “coworker”.

When I confronted him, he immediately stopped sharing his location and told me he “can’t live under a microscope,” that he’s “done nothing wrong,” and that he’s been living “in exile.”

Here’s where I’m struggling.

Every successful reconciliation story I’ve ever heard involves the person who cheated doing everything possible to rebuild trust. Transparency. Accountability. Consistency.

Instead, I feel like I’m constantly being told I’m the problem because I haven’t “moved on.” That I’m just continuing to make him “the bad guy”.

I’ve protected his reputation. I haven’t told mutual friends or coworkers the full story because I didn’t want to damage his career. Only sharing with my closest friend and family members who are irate.

Now he says I don’t make him feel loved or heard, that I’m always criticizing him, and that I’m refusing to acknowledge my own faults.

Maybe I’m not perfect.

But I was faithful.

I showed up.

I was the best version of myself and put everything into building a life and future.

I fought for this marriage for while discovering new lies over and over again.

So…

I feel like I’ve lived in a lie for 8 years. When do I walk away? Inside I want to burn it all to the ground but I’ve really clung to my grace and dignity. Am overreacting for calling him out again on another lie and demanding accountability even though we’re separated but he adamantly says he want to rebuild?