Me to men my entire life: ew don't sexualize me, there's so much more to me beyond my body

Me now to the man I love: o please sir can you sexualize me just a little bit

Funny how life turns out....just a little joke/coping mechanism, no malice against my partner

My husband and I have only been married for a year. Both young under 30. In the beginning of our relationship we were very active. Long distance came and ruined everything. I was constantly complaining about effort and a lack of intimate life. We were long distance for 10 months and we were rarely intimate during that time and my libido has crashed. It’s very rare that I want to have sex with my husband now. Before it was the libido crash but now it’s just overall dissatisfaction. I feel disgusted at the thought of having sex with my husband. When having PIV he lasts like 5 minutes tops. And it’s so boring. Not romantic at all. All he wants to do is quickies I get nothing from that.

Yesterday I tried to initiate and basically asked like three times. He knew I wanted to, ignored me, and went to sleep.

I recently finished a cycle and I don’t think we were intimate that entire 26-28 days.

I’m new to this so it’s been frustrating. I’ve never experienced a libido crash like this before. Ive kinda been dealing with it through reading romance novels or celebrity crushes, I guess.

I moved away from all my friends and family to a place I don’t like for this. I’ve had to ask my husband to interact with me in the house cause he’s so looped on work and study. I’m starting to think it wasn’t worth and and I should stayed single where I was at.

DB for 3 years, together 8, in an open relationship, he is LL - those are important context to this story

Last night I thought I was going to meet a friend for a casual booty call but circumstances meant it got cancelled last minute

I asked my partner if he would consider cuddling me while I got myself off, and he said yes, so I was VERY excited because I've not even had him in the same room while masturbating for years

He stayed in the room all right. Even the bed. He even touched me!

By which I mean, he stroked my nearest knee while scrolling through imgur

While I watched hardcore high quality porn with the audio on and got myself off 3 times. And wasn't shy or quiet about it

I'm not even mad, it's just funny at this point that even what should be an incredibly erotic situation, he's like "that's nice, I'll hang out and look at memes while you cum"

I messed up, but I just realized the extent of which I messed up and destroyed my marriage.

To explain, I need to take you back to the year of 2015. I was in a relationship with my now-wife for a year. In the year 2015, my now-wife had a mental health breakdown that lasted for 6 months. She was awful, really awful and I thought about leaving her many times that year. She almost died, but when she did that, she went into a coma and it snapped her out of it. Suddenly, she was back to the person I loved.

It was scary, and this was the first time I had ever been with someone so severely mentally ill. She didn't beg me to stay. She told me she was going to move out of state to get some help, and she asked if we could just be friends. I insisted that we stayed together. I thought I could fix her.

For a year, she moved out of state and got some treatment. That year, we were apart, only talking through text. I started drinking more and hanging around my friends. My friends didn't like her because they saw what I went through, and I didn't really understand the whole mental health stuff. She told me she couldn't remember what happened during the time we lived together. I didn't understand it at the time, but now I know that she truly doesn't remember a thing about what happened during her breakdown and her last memory was of being assaulted by a guy before waking up months later from a coma. That happened 8 months before the coma. She doesn't remember getting engaged to me. She doesn't remember switching her major. She doesn't remember much at all from the time we lived together.

As I said, I drank a lot and listened a lot to my friends who did not like her. I was also dealing with my own pain from how she treated me. And I took it out on her.

When she came back in 2017, she was a little numb but I thought things would get better. She was on medication. I was focused on working and hanging out with my friends.

When we did see each other, I wanted to have sex. She was less enthused and rejected me for a year. I understand now that the medication she was on made her libido non-existent. I get it now. But I was dumb. And I was hurt. And my friends encouraged me to just stop trying. So I did.

2018, we moved in together and bought a house. She was still on medication. They kept upping the dose everytime she had outbursts of emotion and she eventually could not function to work from the side effects. So I was supporting us both. I wanted that. I wanted to marry her.

She threw herself into trying to make our relationship better. She tried to talk to me about what happened, but I wasn't ready to talk. She initiated dates for every 2 weeks. She initiated having sex once a week. She created a calendar to remember all these things. All she did was apologize.

I was stuck in my own pain. So I didn't see she was trying. I wasn't good. I called her names. I rejected her. I made her do all the work in our relationship. I was focused on getting high, drinking, and hanging out with my friends.

She had her own problems. She had outbursts, but then she would go numb. I didn't realize it was some severe side effects of the medication. I thought that if she had issues she would tell me, but she wasn't able to vocalize what was happening because she just stopped caring about what was happening to her.

The dead bedroom started with her, but I kept it going until 2024.

In 2021, we had our first child, mainly because of luck. In 2022, my wife got the correct diagnosis and became more herself again, with emotions, libido and all. And when she came off her old medication, I found out how much I hurt her. She felt rejected. She cried. She stopped planning dates. She gave up initiating sex. She gave up on us.

2023 - I fought with her more than anything. She was coming off medications and was dealing with a lot of family stuff, and I was a jerk. I wasn't supportive. I messed up.

2024 - She was done. She decided to move states without me. She told me that she couldn't keep being the only one who cared about the marriage and she was tired. I begged her to give me one last chance. I sold the house, moved with her. Things slowly got better. She wanted another child, so she initiated having sex.

2025 - She stopped initiating having sex because she got pregnant. We had our second child.

2026 - We haven't had sex since conceiving our second child. We are in marriage counseling. She says it's been 8 years of a dead bedroom. She says that unless we are trying for a kid, she doesn't want to have sex dangling over her head because I take it away so easily. I admit I am inconsistent with having sex. I admit that I fail at showing up for her when I am stressed. But I didn't realize the extent of her hurt.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to show her I am sorry. And I don't know how to get this back as a part of our relationship. Even when our marriage is doing well, she says she doesn't want to have sex. She says that the hurt runs too deep and unless she wants another kid, it will never happen again because I wasted her 20s. I can't figure out what to do to fix things when she doesn't want the intimacy anymore.

Help?

Disclaimer:
I want to be clear: I fully respect consent, I never pressure or take advantage of her, and I stop immediately the moment something feels off or she says she’s not into it.

Together 3 years. I love her a lot, and she’s wonderful in almost every other way. She’s not cheating, I know that for sure. But our sex life has become a persistent problem, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting by considering ending things over it.

Timeline: things were good for about the first 1.5 years, then started declining. Went from a few times a week, to once a week, to once every two weeks, to now once a month or even once every two months.

Frequency is low, and she almost never initiates. When we do have sex, it often feels like she’s doing it to make me happy or because she feels obligated, rather than because she actually wants it (which I don’t like). About a month ago I told her directly that it feels like she has sex with me out of obligation, not desire. She got defensive and pointed to a recent time she initiated as proof that wasn’t true. But even that time, it still felt emotionally distant during, not mutual — that’s actually the same example I would have brought up, just for the opposite reason.

More recently, on our 3-year anniversary, we’d been drinking a bit and she initiated. She seemed genuinely enthusiastic in the moment. We started fooling around, I was taking it slow with foreplay to make it last and feel good for both of us. Partway in, her face suddenly showed discomfort — I was already being gentle, so it caught me off guard. I stopped right away and asked if she was okay and wanted to take a break. She said yes, so we stopped completely, and I just held her until we fell asleep. The next day I brought it up, and she didn’t remember any of it — not initiating, not any of the moments — even though she’d seemed fully coherent and present at the time. That stung, because in the moment it had genuinely felt like we were connected and both enjoying it. She brushed off the memory gap and just seemed surprised she wasn’t hungover. I suggested we could pick up where we left off later — she said “maybe later.” I asked again after a relaxing day together, and she said, a little sheepishly, “I’m not really feeling it.” That’s the answer I usually get when I initiate.

She originally said her lack of interest was tied to not feeling confident about her body. She’s since lost weight, looks great by her own admission, and has even asked me to take pictures of her because she feels more confident. The sex hasn’t changed.

One thing that might be relevant: her libido was actually higher when she was on SSRIs, and has been lower since she went off them. That’s the opposite of what SSRIs usually do to libido, so I don’t know if that’s a clue about something else going on for her.

She’s also about to start a master’s degree, and I went through my own program not long ago and know how much that can drain someone’s bandwidth for intimacy — so I expect this to get harder before it gets easier, if it gets easier at all.

I feel guilty, like leaving over “just sex” is shallow when everything else between us is good. But I also know I need to feel wanted, not tolerated.

Has anyone been through something like this? Did it get better, or was this a sign?

I (HLM) have been married to my wife (LLF) for about 4 years now. We’ve had a longstanding deadbedroom and it hit a low last year. Since then, we’ve been seeing a couples therapist as well as therapy on our own. As we have gone through this, I’ve realized her natural desire/libido just does not align with me. She would be ok with sex just once every few months when I could have it every day.

For those in a similar situation, how did you navigate this difference? It feels like the only 2 options are:
1. I go the rest of my life with little to no sex
2. We divorce

She is a great wife and I love being with her. I just also can’t imagine myself going without sex forever.

HLM here. I’m seriously considering getting one after 3 years of DB with no end in sight.

Fucker.

—10 yr anniversary of DB

Is anyone else in a situation in which each person blames the other for the DB?

I (26F) and my husband (27M) try to have sex a handful of times a year. Whenever we try, it hurts me so much so that he can’t get in, even like an inch in. It’s very painful.

He used to ask for sex somewhat often, but I’d reject him because I knew it would hurt a lot. So typically this would be framed as me being LL and him HL, but I think it’s more complicated.

I don’t like this situation. I don’t want to be celibate for the rest of my life. I thought I had vaginismus, I researched it a lot, but it turns out I can insert toys inside me with no problem when I’m by myself. No pain whatsoever. The pain shows up with him because I’m too dry, and there’s no foreplay. Lube didn’t make it any better.

He’s also never made me orgasm, or tried to. Never given me oral or touched my clitoris.

He also thinks thrusting is exhausting and doesn’t want to do it. He thinks it’s unfair for him to do all the work while I’m lying there like a “starfish.” And I think it’s unfair for me to have to do the work and be on top when I’m not even getting any pleasure from it, instead I’m only getting pain.

He also says trying to have sex with me is “extremely painful” for him because of how dry I am.

So we’re in the situation in which both of us want sex but neither of us want to put in the work to make it happen and be enjoyable.

It’s hard for me to cope with this. I’m young and fit and I spent all of my early 20s like this. And now I’ll have to spend the rest of my life like this as well. And of course, he gets sexually frustrated as well.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years. We love each other a lot and currently live together. I would say almost every aspect of our relationship are great. We have fun together, we laugh together, joke and play often, as well as have good deep conversations and I would definitely say he’s my best friend.
But we have been in a really hard place with our sexual intimacy. On my end of things I think they’re ok and I’ve been doing everything I can think of to improve our sex life. For context I grew up extremely religious and I think that might have to do with a lot of the issues I have with sex. But along with that I also have pain with penetration. So to address both of these issues, I have gone to see a sex therapist and also started going to pelvic floor pt. Which obviously both of those things take time and won’t be fixed overnight.
My boyfriend just came to me after we saw the movie the invite, which is essentially about this couple who hasn’t had sex in years and they’re miserable together. He asked if I feel like that’s how our relationship is and I said no because we are definitely physically intimate with each other and I feel like we have the emotional closeness that that couple lacked. On top of that, my condition is temporary and I’m actively trying to fix it. However, these conversations keep coming up and they feel exhausting every time. I just feel like my boyfriend has no patience and I genuinely think his expectations of a healthy sex life are unrealistic.
I just don’t know where to go from here and am considering calling it quits just because this aspect of the relationship feels exhausting, to the point where I don’t know if I can take it anymore.

I would love any advice you all have to offer. I’m struggling to know where to go from here.

I (M25) and my girlfriend (F24) been together for about 5ish year's two of thoes years where a long distance relationship (it sucked but we made it work) I flew down there for a week and I was her first and I insisted which is fine I wanted make her feel comfortable. At year later she moved down with me we where happy having fun and makeing new friends but our sex life wasn't happening. She gave me she tired or its not the right time (I get in the mood before bed) we had sex maybe once every 6 or 4 months and I always insisted. I talked her about this multiple times. She does take medication like anxiety and depression and one other for her blood. And I asked her to maybe see a doctor to see if thoes are killing her libido. We talked how I dont feel desired and how she's not helping me out with chores and we had that same conversation 2 weeks ago and nothing changed. I vent to my friend and they been open with there sex life and make feel kinda jealous that I have a girlfriend that I feel she doesn't want to have sex with me. On top of that im getting my testosterone fixed and im going stir crazy. I love her but I cant live like this anymore..

How do I regain my self confidence not that it was ever super great but it’s sub zero right now 60days since he’s touched me I’m getting angrier and meaner I feel like I have anger spewing from my pores I feel so ugly and gross and repulsive I just want human contact I want to be hugged and touched and feel wanted I want to be wanted so badly it makes me cry I feel desperate and I’m just making it worse because I’m being so short and angry but I’m so lonely and I’m not leaving him I can’t see my self with anyone else

Me (29F) and my husband (33M) separated a few days ago. No kids.

We have struggled with dead bedroom for the last 2 years (married 4 years + 5 years of relationship.)

We talked about it a few times, but never did anything about. We had some finance issues taht led to stress and rare sex, then both us became spiteful about sex, so we just stopped doing it. Everything else was great. We were best friends, we had fun. We had friends, we both get along with our families. He was my person and I thought I was his etc.

But it finally took a toll on us. We started discussing divorce since we feel like roomates. I wanted to try and fix things, he wanted itbtoo but stayed negative and passive. These talks were happening for the past two months.

Then I found out he was having an affair with someone. Emotional one, according to it all.

We were always those people who despised affairs, and he knew I can't forgive it.

He said he is sorry about it, but that we should divorce because there is no way to fix things after dead bedroom+ infidelity. Which makes sense, trust is shattered.

So we separated the day after I found out... I am lost. One part of me is pissed because why not just leave, don't cheat on me. The other part sees the issues of the dead bedroom that probably drove him to do something out of his character. I am so against the cheating, but somehow I am finding a way to justify it.

He is a good man, and I love him. We shared so much together and built so much together. Part of me wants him to want me back to start over. Another part knows that I couldn't move past the cheating.

Maybe it's fixable, maybe this is not lost since he hasn't done it before. Maybe he is not a bad man for doing it. Maybe he will be happy now.

Yet again..how come I stayed loyal to him..

I kinda know this is the end, but he is the love of my life.

Right now we aren't in much contact. I have support from friends and family. But he was my truest friend and family. Every night, I dream that we run into each other after a few months and fix things. Then I wake up..

All I've wanted is for my wife to have some sort of a desire to have fun exciting sex or sex in general for years. We've had a dead bedroom for about 3 to 4 years now and it's worn me down. She's never initiated sex and even after the hundreds of talks I've initiated nothing has changed. I'm also the initiator of our sex life, but most of the times over the years it's been met with rejection. Our sex life over the past 4 years has been about once every 6 to 9 months with multiple rejections along the way. I've been thinking lately that I wish she would initiate some, but now I'm thinking I hope she doesn't becuase not only is our sex very infrequent, it's vanilla and boring. I've tried to get her to try new stuff to spice things up and asked her to think of things I can do to her to make her happy, but it's always the same of me talking, her listening and nothing happens. Is it bad that I start thinking I want to have sex with my wife, then immediately think about how boring it will be and then get turned off? I must be really fucked up to think that way.

I have been 6 years into a marriage. It was an arranged marriage(India), post marriage I moved to the country where my husband works in, immediately followed by Covid.

But there was an adultery in his side that I got to know just a couple months into marriage, but I couldn't bear the shock, having married, moving countries, quitting job, I had a hard time digesting certain things.

I tried to bring back the spark by having more sex, but the only way I could get turned on was when I got angry with him. That became the default wiring for sexual validation rather than feeling love, overwhelmed or physically attracted, say, "I want to rip that shirt off you" kind of stuff. It felt very toxic from my side, I realized I have been experiencing this only around the second yr end.

Having genuine difficulties in feeling attracted to this person, since I was never originally sexually attracted to them while agreeing for marriage. I thought the bedroom chemistry might pick things up, but the dynamics is very cloudy. His side, I never felt his curiosity about my body(like how ppl discuss here in the forum), no verbal credits or remarks. Mostly it was always "why are you so beautiful"..

Never a "I love the way your hip moves.. ur b**bs are soo sexy" blah. Not a single sex related word comes up inside the bedroom. He never looked at my body the way a guy is supposed to(I don't know what even it actually feels like). It always happens only in the night, in the dark. No talks about it post sex. I had asked to sleep with just our undies, since I was originally having certain troubles getting the attraction set right. I wanted to connect vibe-wise. He seemingly forgot to do it for the next 4 years. He says he was scared to ask.

I often used to feel down thinking "am I a monster?" since he used to keep saying "u scare me..I'm scared of you when you get angry".

There were certain moments in very early, like first 4-6 months, me asking him to express what he is feeling. But he shied away mostly. Things used to just happen once in a week to keep the rhythm going, with very less passion.

Sometimes I ended up doubting if I am a high libido woman, but it is more of an attraction problem in my side. And since the quality of sex was so-so, may be I was expecting more in quantity but ended up disappointed there too. And I also thought since I was more riled up w.r.t my nervous system, probably I was trying to cool it off with more action, rather than actually wanting intimacy.

There is no natural sexual chemistry between us, like it literally sucks. But other than that, we both are excellent roommates and people pleasers inside the institution of arranged marriage concept.(Both elder/first kid in their homes). Help me figure this out. I feel like something is odd, but not able to point a finger on it.

Is it all because I initially felt a hostility,and not able to feel sexually in the moment?

I realized this year, that I had been REALLY depressed the first 3 years of my marriage.

Now in recent times since I brought this up, his remarks are like "yeah I am sorry I should have read more about this earlier..I am genuinely surprised that there is soo much, I feel bad for not enjoying this".

What the title says, but you probably want context. We're both 24, me (HLM) and her (LLF) We've been together for almost a year. I know, very soon to have a dead bedroom but it's been something both of us have been working on, we love each other very much and everything else is amazing, I get infancy is most other ways, it's just the sex has been a problem. Like usual, it started out good, then she stopped initiating and eventually we went months without sex, her being too sad or tired. When we did have sex, she didn't seem to enjoy it, and sex is incredibly disgusting to me if both people aren't having a good time, and that made me feel very gross cause it took me a few times to realize she was making herself have duty sex. My heart broke when I realized that. I asked her about it the first time I noticed she didn't seem very enthusiastic, but she assured me that she was enjoying it, she just isn't very vocal every time. Fine with me. Eventually I pushed her to talk because I just didn't believe her, it really didn't seem like she was enjoying it and I felt completely and utterly inhuman. She then told me that she's been struggling with her sexuality and was terrified to tell me, because we live together and she loves me and wants to be with me and didn't know how I'd react. Not gonna lie, it was a relief to hear that it was her internally and not something I was doing that made her not want me. I'm pansexual myself, raised straight by a homophobic father. I get struggling with your sexuality and I'm not hurt by it at all, really, I just wished she would've told me before i started thinking I was unfuckable. Regardless, I'm now at an impasse. We have sex sometimes, it's much better now because she isn't forcing it and has sex with me when she actually wants it, which is great, but that also means it's only about once a month and that just isn't enough for me. I still have these feelings of insecurity that my partner doesn't want to have sex with me and there isn't even anything I can do about it, it's just me. And thus, I don't think she can really explore her sexuality and figure out what she really wants and needs in a long term relationship if she's in an exclusive relationship with me. And I don't think I can keep telling myself that I'm okay and that I'm wanted when I don't feel it from my partner. Is that a bad reason to want an open relationship? I'm also scared of the classic scenario of, if we are having sex with different people who are giving us what we need, why wouldn't we commit to them? Both of us have been fully monogamous in all our other relationships, I just don't know how this would end. Maybe I'm grasping at straws when I know we aren't compatible and I just want to stay with her, I don't know, tell me if I'm coping please. Also, I love this community and the advice given, but please try to give more than "youre young, youll find someone youre compatible with, atleast you don't have kids yet and you found out early" I understand that, I really do, but I want us to work. Thanks for reading my ramblings

We’ve been together for almost 6 years now, at the beginning we were all over each other. I never imagined this being a problem for us. When we first got together I was struggling with food, eating, self image and was the skinniest I had ever been, but super sick and unhealthy. Now, I’ve gotten help and gained mostly all my weight back but not to where I’m super obese again, I’m 5’6 and weigh about 180 now, I definitely got some meat on my bones but I’m also a bit curvy. However my weight gain has been an issue he’s admitted to being a big factor for his loss of sexual interest. I started taking ozempic to lose some weight but haven’t told him about it. I feel like he would judge me and see it as an easy way out. It’s been so long that we’ve had a happy sex life, we had sex a few months ago after talking about starting therapy but we haven’t brought it up again even though we need to. I know we need to talk more about this again, but I’m just having a lonely night where I’ve had some wine and feel like typing some thoughts out. I love him so much, I know he loves me too and I want us to be married one day I just hope we can somehow heal this one broken part of our relationship.

I hate that I have a high libido. I also have ADHD which makes things worse for me. Me and my beautiful girlfriend have been together for over 6 years now and whenever we've decided to do anything sexual, it feels very scheduled and doesn't feel exciting at all. She's asexual, never feels horny, but at the same time enjoys the time we spend together. But every time we end up doing something it's over within half an hour while I always want to do much more (and also not just the same thing every time, I'm very kinky)

She also does not like sex so we never have sex. (We've had in the past but she realised she does not like it anymore and I obviously respect it)

Is there anyone else who's been in my shoes? I'd like to talk to someone who's had the same experience

It's been over 10 years, sex life has been pretty dead the entire time. I'm convinced she has vaginismus, which I understand is terrible for her, but she flat refuses to talk about it or seek any kind of help.

We have young kids, and they're pretty happy, I feel a messy divorce would be really hard on them, so I think my only option is to fake it till they're at least a bit older.

I think I can do another 10 years, I still hope things will get better, but right now pretty sure I'll be a divorced dad then

my bf and i are both in our late 20s dating 3 years. to save you time: he is very fit (gyms 5x a week basically); he is a lawyer but his days are less stressful than mine (he can often take naps, go out for lunch, be away from his desk for hours); hes very confident and sleeps often; he used to have hookups and fwbs. on my end, i am attractive (lost significant weight since we started dating); i work myself; i have a vibrant social life (as does he); i cook and clean often; i have fulfilled many/most of his fantasies after asking (lingerie, kink tests, etc) + am extremely proactive when we do have sex. was a virgin when i met him vs he has had many sexual partners. we are highly physically affectionate and emotionally close; we moved in in the past three months together but we have had issues with mismatched drives since the start, even during our LDR (max sex 1x a week, going as often as 2-4 weeks without it). ive brought this up many times > we have been to therapy > its gotten to a point i dont initiate or bring it up anymore because 1. dont want to be coercive or create pressure which he says ive done at the beginning 2. dont feel like getting rejected. i was previously LL across my exes.

so when we had sex before it was good, so good id get my hopes up that we could have sex more frequently (never really happens). i never said no but i did start doing things to lower my libido like: 1. stop eating so id lose energy 2. get very involved into work and increase my stress levels 3. got sick at some point 4. stop masturbating 5. focus more on the things i need us to do around the house or in life 6. let myself get distracted or refuse to get turned on when we were making out or when he seemed like he was initiating so i wouldnt get my hopes up 7. started focusing on how gross sex was. this and the infrequency started making sex painful for me. he also only initiates under specific conditions and we only have sex on his terms: a day off the weekend (and only if certain conditions are met). this was incredibly anxiety inducing for me, so even if we had sex i would feel bad after

anyways im still on deadbedrooms because i have a vague sense and memory that i wanted to have sex often (2x week min, preferably 3x) but i cant even get turned on anymore. i actually asked to not have sex on weekends anymore to help w the unsexiness of the routine and relieve my anxiety. as you can imagine we have not had sex in what will be 2 weeks soon as i am going to have my period and by the end of it it will be three weeks. he did try to initiate a bit on the weekend and lightly today and i just kind of laughed and said it wouldnt happen, and it did not lol

this weekend my friend and i were discussing our sex lives. he mentioned missing the thrill of hookups and how the lack of sex is causing him to want to act out. i remember feeling this way last year but now im not so sure

i guess im wondering: is this normal? was this the optimal state? at this rate i dont know if i can stay turned on or if i even would want to be turned on and have sex; my sexuality feels totally out of my control. i think i had a high drive but maybe i am transitioning back to being LL. is that the worse thing? has this happened to anyone?

i think the next time i talk about this i'd be ending the relationship, but is that the move? im fairly happy otherwise. i guess there is a thought that id like to have sex while im young and hot and able, and the idea that i only recently gained a strong sex drive in (ironically) the start of this relationship bums me out. im jealous he has gotten to experience the world and i have been forced to lose all desires given my situation

the worst part is that im not sure i want to have sex with him anymore. hes attractive but i feel slightly repulsed by the idea lest i be put into the same position i was before. i tried to not think of this as a me vs him issue before but it didnt really get me anywhere either

any advice?

F33 (HL) with M32 (LL), together for 3 years. We don’t just have a dead bedroom, it’s more than that. He’s so busy with work he’s exhausted all the time. I need to beg him for a datenight and it usually ends up being a walk to get icecream, eat in silence and then go back home. He’s happy if we’d to watch tv two nights a week and call it a romantic relationship. It’s like none of my needs or desires are important or interesting. All of it is too much work for him.. There’s not just a lack of physical intimacy, there is a lack of all kinds intimacy. Any closeness or affection.
We’re working with a therapist and the last two weeks were pretty great. I remembered what it was like when he was my best friend. When we hung out, went out to dinner, did game nights. When we made each other laugh. It was just like old times. He even said he was starting to feel a little frisky again.
But then last night we had an argument. I got emotional and he instantly went back to ignoring me and acting overly casual. Our happy couple of weeks morphed back into awkward silence. Back to this to absolute soul crushing loneliness. I feel like I’m slowly going insane.

Like many people on this sub, I’m in a DB and have multiple kids, and like many the fear for my future relationship with them is part of what has held me back from seeking a healthier relationship.

But this post isn’t about what I should do for me. The longer this has gone on the more I’ve realised it would break my heart to see any of my kids living a life like mine.

So what advice/guidance have you shared with your kids - perhaps advice that you wish you were given as a young person - to help them avoid the same experiences?

I’ve been with my Mrs for 16 years.

Sex has always been a sore subject. Mainly because I can and want to talk about it but yet my Mrs doesn’t and won’t. She won’t even tell me what she likes and doesn’t like. It’s just a constant guessing game.

We still have sex. Maybe once a week at a push. But it never really seems like she actually wants to do it with me - like she’s only doing it for my benefit. She’s admitted in the past she ‘doesn’t need’ sex but yet I really do, but it’s tough shit. No compromises, no talking about it, nothing. We do it on her terms, when she wants to do it, or not at all. Doesn’t matter what I want, it’s what she wants. It’s driving me absolutely insane.

I honestly hate even trying to initiate sex because the constant rejection makes me feel so bad. She makes me feel so guilty for even trying, but I know that if I don’t try then we’d simply never ever have sex. Ever. She doesn’t initiate, show me affection, anything. It’s just constant guilt for wanting to be intimate with my wife.

Well recently it feels like something has given way, and I’m paying more attention to other women. We are just totally sexually incompatible and I’m devastated it has taken me so long to realise this.

So I’m considering giving her what she wants. No more initiating, no more basically begging for sex. I just won’t bother anymore because I’ve had enough of being made to feel bad.

Those of you who have been in the same situation, how the hell did you cope with it?

Me F 27 and my husband M 27 had our fifth wedding anniversary a few days ago and it opened my eyes to our bedroom really is dying while I’m this young, this early into my marriage, and while I still love him this much. Over the year and half we went from having sex every other day to maybe once every other week, if I “ask him in advance.” Basically I have to ask, hope, and then cross my fingers that his stamina is there because that’s also gone down, it’s like he wants it over as quick as possible.

I have asked him why, he said he’s still attracted to me, he has literally admitted I’m more attractive now, as I have lost weight and have clearer skin compared to when we were younger, he said his drive has gone down, which doesn’t bother him. But the night of our anniversary after we got back from going out going on a walk and watching a movie to digest he said he was not hard and didn’t want to try. I don’t know how to even begin to fix this without emasculating him, as he did go to the doctor at my request and his testosterone levels were normal.