this one is gonna be long so buckle up lmao.

so im a 23TF who is black, and ive been with my girlfriend 23F, who is white, for a year and a half as of this month. honestly it's a great relationship. its my first long term relationship, and her first healthy one, and both ouf our first queer ones. needless to say we love each other a lot.

ever since we started dating though, at various times, ive had bouts of struggling with the fact that she's white, and that im dating a white woman and what that means socially.

for context we live in paris, france, and i moved here for school in 2024, so i dont really have community out here, whether with trans women, or lesbians, or black people, or anybody at any of those intersections. i have a few black queer friends that i made from datings apps, but other than that its just my school friends, who are all really cool, but majority white as well.

i grew up in a lot of very predominantly black areas and have been developing my political understanding beyond what you get from living in africa your whole life (which is a lot already, mind you) and thinking about my place as a black transfem person (who is also experimenting with butchness and lesbian masculinity), and what that means for how i carry myself in the world.

i feel like im kinda letting black people down in a weird way, by dating her? idk if its internet discourse about interracial relationships or the fact that i havent found a place for my queer blackness to really thrive here in paris (even though i have been to multiple queer spaces and events over the time ive been here, just am bad at making friends), but idk i feel like there isnt enough of my time allotted to black people in my life, and i would really want that.

i also do just want to date a black person who can relate to my experience living here. like there are a lot of cultural reference points that my girlfriend doesn't have and a lot of blind spots that she does have, where i have to like try and teach her how to move more carefully (even though she really really tries her best to at all times). even like foods and whatnot that shes more hesitant to try that i grew up with, stuff like that.

we do have a lot of cultural touchstones in other areas that we both relate to, but i feel like i grew up with blackness as such a primary aspect of my experience moving through the world that i find myself feeling shitty and kinda stuck when whiteness is all im around (and obviously we're around each other the most).

these are like the 2 main things that i feel, and they tend to come in short bursts of feeling them very intensely and then being perfectly fine in the relationship, and idk how to deal with it most of the time, other than just ride it out for 2 weeks and then hoping it'll be gone.

ive talked to her about these feelings a few times, as they've happened, and it tends to be the only real difficult conversation that we have every few months. she always takes it in stride and is incredibly patient. she really wants to find a solution for me to not feel this way, so shes pushed me a lot into going out and finding community with other black people, and at one point even proposed to open the relationship so i could experiment with different people, she's not interested in experimenting with others. i said no, cuz i think it would hurt her in the long term and it felt weird and unfair if i was the only doing it, but i do end up considering from time to time if im honest

it feels shitty cuz shes genuinely the best person ive ever met and our relationship is amazing, we're an amazing team, we gel together super well on so many things, we're both really open to each other, we have insane chemistry with everything, shes genuinely the smartest and most amazing person ive ever met, and shes gorgeous on top of that. we brag to our friends that we're the luckiest for having found each other.

but i just dk what to do with these feelings that im having, and i wanted to ask if anyone had some reflections or insight that they would be able to provide. thank you all so much :)

Hey everyone, I'm bi and dating a lesbian woman. I've been questioning my gender for years now and I'm starting to come to a conclusion. I think I'm non-binary, where exactly on the spectrum I have no idea for now, but I'm sure that I'm non-binary.

Could it be a deal breaker for a lesbian woman ? How would you react if your girlfriend came out as non-binary ?

I'm not planning on transitioning physically, ever I think. Just a few changes maybe in the way I'll present myself.

my gf of 4 years started uni 3 years ago and immediately became friends with this girl (i'll call her M). they were closer friends in the first 2 years of uni and slightly distanced themselves a bit this last year, but are still close as they are part of the same group of girls.

i don't have an explanation for it but this girl has never clicked with me. since my gf and i have been dating for 4 years, i have known her friends for a long time and i am very close to them, i consider them my friends too. but this girl i just simply didn't like her, and that is something i never hid from my girlfriend, even though of course i have never banned her from anything. they are just uni friends and i don't like M as much as i like her other friends and get along with them. additionally, this is one of her friends i have spent the least amount of time with and met fewer times.

this girl came out as bisexual around first year of university but had never been with a girl until recently, that she's started dating this other girl from university too. her type's always been femmes (she's a femme too) and this is something she is very insistent with.

recently, she reposted a tiktok that made kind of fun of masculine lesbians. we follow each other on social media so i obviously saw the video. it was a degrading video about how OP (a femme) felt disgust over mascs, and how badly she wanted a femme because she could't stand mascs. i'm a soft masc and i felt so humilliated about the video. it was not the fact that M didn't like mascs (i literally din't care, she's got her girlfriend and i've got mine who is the best i could have) but the fact that she reposted this fully knowing i follow her and i would see it. not only i follow her, but my gf does too and she would see it too. i messaged my girlfriend talking about the video and she told me she had also seen M's repost and how disrespectful it was and how rude she was. i called it a day because i don't consider her a friend of mine but that doesn't mean it hurted, that a person you know irl publically shows repulse for your style or appearence.

the thing is, M has invited my gf over to her beach hometown to spend a day this saturday. they did this last year too. i can't help it but feel kind of disgust about the thought of my gf spending a day with someone who has been so inconsiderate with us. they are not best friends, my gf knows it was very rude from her, i don't (and won't) ban her from going anywhere. but my heart hurts a little. i know i shouldn't have to be anxious about someone who's been so immature, but i just feel a little sad.

how can i navigate through this feeling? thanks :)

This may not be the right sub, ik it's not but idk where else to ask than here. I'm at a crossroads. Plz be kind.

I know I'm trans FTM to some degree but I'm so tied to the lesbian community and I scared if I leave it idk where I'd be welcomed in the community I'm in. A lot of my friends are lesbians and have girls night, etc and I love that community, I love that level of intimacy I don't think dudes have (cis ones specifically). I don't feel welcomed by straight spaces cuz I'm currently not transitioned and the guys look at me like I can't have sex with you and are you a bro or not? And the women are like who are you.

Dating is terrible since idk where I fit in. People are torn between mistaking me as a dude and others being like you just need to look gayer and more femme to be butch

Some lesbians welcome transmasc individuals others are saying well if you look like a dude you're not lesbian. And I understand that to an extent, but does that mean I'm not welcome into sapphic spaces anymore? Where do I find women who are queer who don't mind a transmasc nonbinary individual.

I guess I'm not happy at all with the way I look, the dysphoria and dysmorphia are horrible. But I'm scared to socially transition where I leave the sapphic community entirely. I love you guys and I makes me so sad to leave.

I was in a six month relationship with a a girl and she was my first partner ever. We go to the same school and we’ve been in the same classes before.

I personally think I accidentally love bombed her but all of my friends say that I didn’t. I feel really guilty about that. I also feel super guilty that she spent so much money on me. And then I just broke up with her on a random day and I know she hates me. At this point I have her blocked everywhere because she kept responding to my likes. I broke up with her because she spoke very negatively of herself and other people 24/7. I didn’t tell her that I just told her that I lost feelings because I didn’t bring up her negativity issue during the relationship so I didn’t make sense to bring it up during the breakup.

She was very self-conscious about her weight, which I did not care about (her weight not being self conscious). And she never said anything about other fat people, but I’m scared that she hates other fat people because she’s fat and hates herself for it. And I feel like I did her wrong and I feel like it’ll be some sort of victory to her to see that I’ve let myself go.

I was super skinny when I was with her because I was miserable a lot of the time and when I broke up with her and started gaining a lot back

She also likes to talk shit about everyone and I am definitely on the shit list at this point and I do not want one of the things to be that I got fat. Since the breakup for the rest of the school year, her friends would walk past me and whisper in each other’s ears covering their mouth with their hands, and it was almost comical representation of high school behavior.

And I know the obvious answers to just lose weight. I’m trying I’ve had an eating disorder for years and I’ve been up and down in weight for years and I know that I should lose weight.

I just don’t know what to do about this anxiety that I have that anything that’s wrong with me she will see and make fun of her friends.

And honestly, I don’t think I’m ever going to date again because I’m not mentally prepared and also I do not want to encounter someone like her again.

About a year and half ago I made a post here because I couldn’t figure out whether I had feelings for a woman even though I’d always considered myself straight.

It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but only now have I fully accepted that I actually do have feelings for her.

The complicated part is that in this time we became real friends. She agreed to spend time with me outside of work, opened up to me, and we even planned a three-week trip together. We’ll be in another country, spending almost all our time together, and sharing a bed.

Sometimes I wonder if there is something more between us, but I also know that having a crush can make you read into things.

She is naturally a very playful and affectionate person. There is definitely some sexual tension and teasing between us, but it has always stayed on the right side of the line. She has never crossed my boundaries, and she has always made it clear that she respects them.

I’ve seen how she acts when she is flirting with someone, and she is usually much more direct.

With me, though, she has been my friend - she has listened to me talk about my life, supported me, and even shown genuine interest in my dating experiences with men. As far as I know, I’m the only straight woman she regularly spends time with outside of work.

And that’s where my conflict comes from.

She became friends with me while I was openly identifying as straight. She trusted this friendship for what it was. So how unfair would it be if I went on this trip secretly hoping something more might happen?

I don’t want her to feel like I was pretending to be her friend while waiting for an opportunity.

But at the same time, my feelings keep growing.

Part of me wonders whether she notices. She is much more experienced with women and seems very emotionally aware. Does she genuinely not see what is happening, or does she notice and simply choose to respect my boundaries because she believes I’m straight?

So what is the respectful thing to do here?

Please help me. I made a really really really big mistake that crushes my future. Idk what to do and I am spiraling down real bad real hard. Does someone wants to talk?

this is a good faith question coming from someone trying to understand gender and sexuality along with labels so don’t get aggressive and attack me ok thanks

I know of several lesbians who date butches/studs or mascs that use he/him pronouns, dress masculine, like to be called boyfriend by their partner, wear straps/packers, etc. they don’t identify with anything relating to womanhood and have no connection to feminity

so how does that qualify as lesbian but a sapphic dating a femboy doesn’t ? if both identity as nonbinary then what’s the difference.

I genuinely don’t understand how a nonbinary lesbian basically living as a man (for lack of a better way to describe it) is any different from a nonbinary femboy living in a very feminine womanly way. because gender is also a social construct right?

so what actually “counts” as lesbian and what doesn’t. it’s clearly not just woman loving woman.

Okay so boom (sorry just wanted to add a reference in this)

I was dating this girl and we were talking about love island so she asked me my favorite character, I said Kayda and I was telling her about the fight video and she was like “yeah she seems hood.” That was the first red flag for me and threw me off so I straight up asked her if she had ever been racist because that seems like a micro aggression.

She said “No but my friend does say the n word and I correct her” Mind you her friend isn’t black so I told her that was really fucking weird, so she did end up cutting off that friend cause I called it out but I still broke up with her because she had been friends with this person for OVER a year while she was actively being racist. I’m not sure if she admitted that because I’m white and she thought I wouldn’t call it out or notice it but I sure tf did

I KNOW I wasn’t wrong but everyone’s telling me it was a “overreaction” and I’m starting to feel guilty like guys pls reassure me this wasn’t an overreaction. Lemme not even mention our agegap in this bc whew. This is such a stupid fucking post but everyone’s making me feel guilty bc she was so “sweet” with me and that was only the first red flag (BUT THE BIGGEST)

I swear I’m not a guy lol I just wanna know like, is there an Omegle or video chat type of thing for lesbians??? Idk I know this is sexual but u can’t find any girls anywhere in my town so online seems like the best next thing

27F Asian UK, Yorkshire and I have only ever kissed a girl. I have gone by “straight” my whole life but deep down I’ve known I’ve always wanted to hook up with a woman.

I am so new to this but before settling down I just want a hookup. This probably isn’t the best place to find a hookup as I’m so worried about catfishes and lurking men!!

How do I go about this and are lesbians actually down to hookup with no strings attached?

The funniest thing about the questioning stage, and this seems to a universal experience, is when you're getting to the pinnacle of figuring it out and you go to your friends and say "I'm 99.9% into woman and 0.001% into men, then it just clicks like wait I'm just a lezzo. Boom it's all figured out. Cracks me up everytime and I'm very grateful for clocking it as quick as i did (even if it did take 2 years nearly. ) I told this to a fellow lesbian friend first too.

Also reminds me of the time my friend was educating me on LGBTQ+ at 11 and after i straight up went "So I'm a lesbian." I guess the signs were always there. 😅

Speaking about it really does help tho!!

I (29) have been dating a woman (37) for a few weeks. We had amazing dates and I genuinely like her. We have a lot of chemistry and I was excited to see where this could go.

The problem is that she still lives with her ex. She has been very open about it from the beginning. She insists there is nothing romantic or sexual between them anymore, and I believe her. But they're still extremely close.

They've lived together for years and continue to share a home. They cook together, spend a lot of time together, know everything about each other's lives, and she talks about her ex quite often. She also told me her ex got jealous because of me recently.

At first, I underestimated how much this would affect me. I didn´t fully understand how close they are. But as I got to know her better, I realized they aren't just exes who remained friends. They still function almost like a family, just without the romantic part.

Yesterday we had a big fight. We were going somewhere together and I suggested stopping by my favorite bar. We were there before together. But yesterday she immediately didn't want to because her ex had a terrible experience there. She said that her ex got mad when she told here we´ve been there together.

That triggered me more than it probably should have. I felt like once again her ex was influencing our dating. I got angry and said things I regret. I called her ex names, said their relationship was unhealthy, and that I didn't want to be part of that.

She became very upset and mad, and told me something like: "You'll have to accept that she exists, otherwise our relationship is impossible."

I apologized afterwards several times. I admitted I was drunk, admitted I was wrong for insulting her ex, and told her I really like her. She said we should sleep on it and talk the next day.

Today we haven't spoken yet.

I'm asking whether most people would genuinely struggle in this situation, or whether this is mostly my own insecurity that I need to work on.

And how you would move forward with this. Thank you!

Another girl I like turns out to be straight. Can i finally find a girl who's cute and gay and into me? Why is that so fucking hard. Istfg the prettiest girls are always straight ugh...

me (f37) and my girlfriend (f34) recently got back together after we broke up in Januar.She reached out after 6 weeks of no contact and then we wrote on messenger for months and met now in July (we are lobh distance).She asked me are we now in a relationship z.Reason for breakup was partly my fault but it’s resolved now.Anyway, while we were no contact and broken up she got in touch with an ex gf from six years back.She says they spoke about work friends and exes, it was platonic.According to my ex last time they speak was 3,4 months ago.She swears this girl is not threat and wants me to trust her .I did not demand she delete the ex but it’s bothering me, should k tell she needs to delete that ex from her instagram?

hi!
i just want to expose my situation and see what you guys could think about it.
i am 23f. my ex girlfriend (23f) broke up with me two months ago. it was a one year relationship. it was a long distance relationship and she decided to leave me because she had a new offer in her job that would let her stay in her country way more years than what we planned for our life together. she said that when her contract will be finished with her work she will come back to me, no matter what happens in our break up. we had a lot of future plans together so everything came off as a shock for me, she really left me so suddenly. this came out of nowhere, for a lot of my close friends and me as well.
i’m going to her country for a friends trip (that was planned before i met her) in 2 weeks.
we ended on quite bad terms, she didn’t want to talk to me, to explain me more the situation because i didn’t understand it. she blocked me everywhere, i then did the same.
my birthday was a month ago and i sent her an email (💀) all emotional, i needed closure and i was missing her, suffering from the break up a lot. she answered it, i didn’t think she would. she said she was suffering from what she did (breaking up with me) and that it was awful for her.
then yesterday, a friend told me she had a friend request on social media: it was my ex. my ex know who my friend is, that she is a friend of mine. and i found this so weird. why would she try to find a friend of mine. this friend is straight so there isn’t any romantic request there. this made me a bit afraid. i don’t want her to come back in my life. what do you guys think it could mean ?
she’s probably gonna see this if she’s still on reddit because i introduced her to this sub. hope she won’t though!

I’m supposed to go on a walk/picnic date tomorrow but it looks like it’ll be storming all day. I’d still really like to see her, rescheduling the date wouldn’t work because the rain is expected to last until mid august at least. What are some of your good indoor date ideas? Ideally somewhere quieter where we can talk, because this is only our 2nd date!

it was really nobody’s fault. the last thing they said to me was basically they need to take time to grow and mature and they hope they’re mentally well enough to have the life we dreamed of one day. i think about that message everyday. my mental health wasn’t the best either. we left off still very in love but we needed to take time to work on our mental health apart because we would both clash because of it. i miss them dearly everyday and i want to marry this person one day. i hope if/when we return to each other we are stronger than before. i miss them so so much every single day. it’s hard to be patient because i strongly believe this is my person but i’m doing my best to respect their peace. no contact is so difficult but i love them too much.