I didn't know what flair to post this under, because it's both a happy one and a vent / support request.

I (48F) have had a new partner for about four months. Let's call him Cedar.

I've lived with Aspen for over two decades and have been in a long-term relationship with Birch for 8 years, and all that has been going great. When I first got together with Birch, I had massive NRE. I basically wanted to leave everything behind to be with her. It was a huge, happy feeling, but I also knew it for what it was, so I just bid my time, and sure enough about a year in, it stabilized and led to 7 years of happiness.

When I met Cedar, I wasn't looking for someone new, and neither was he, but we completely fell into each other. We just had this overwhelming desire to be together. I think he's amazing, and we're building something great.

But I've been struggling with NRE.

It's not like it was with Birch. I'm not proud of that, but with Birch early on we had ill-advised conversations about how in a different life we may have gotten married or had children. We were very enthusiastic with our scheduling, which occasionally required some adjustments with our respective NPs (nothing very bad!) We were completely in our little bubble of joy.

With Cedar, I guess we both know better, so we don't make promises we can't keep or fantasize about futures that won't come to pass. We're older and wiser. We're careful about how we plan our relationship to do right by our partners. We're caring and sweet to each other, but we're also good with our boundaries and existing commitments.

All that is happy stuff!

Except I think about him all the time. When we don't see each other for a few days, I almost physically hurt. I keep wondering what it would have been like to meet each other ten, twenty years ago, and it makes me a little sad that I didn't get to know him back then. There are many things we won't get to have together, and I'm often nostalgic of them. I feel very protective and a bit possessive of him.

It's definitely NRE, but among the joyful feelings, it's got that painful flavor, like I keep wishing for something I can't have. And I don't understand why I feel that way, because I'm getting everything I want! It's starting to weigh on me that I can't seem to just enjoy it.

I guess I'm looking for words of wisdom and support here, to help regulate myself and ground myself into the joy of having this great new person in my life, in addition to my other amazing relationships.

Hi all, I am in a poly situation since 2.5 years. My wife and I decided/happened to become poly then while co-parenting and stopped having intimate relationships. After a few months of her dating her new partner I met my current intimate partner (I'll call her Norma).

Ever since Norma and I fell in love and did a lot of amazing things together. She was ok with me co-parenting and living with my wife. However after a year she started complaining that I was not available enough because of the time spent with my wife and daughter. She felt lonely when we weren't together and needed something more in her life. I fully understood that and we agreed that she could explore other possible relationships, although I anticipated it would be painful for me. For more than a year though she did not pursue meeting anyone and we remained exclusively intimate with each other.

A month ago she brought this up again and again I supported her in pursuing this. Literally the day after Norma met a new person. They started dating and few weeks later she told me about him. Although I rationally agreed with this I was in shock. I thought for some reason this process would take longer and I was discussing with my wife that I could be more present with Norma to give her more of what she was missing.

A few days later she told me they were going to date and most likely have sex. I started panicking internally but still supported her and never tried to discourage her. The day of the date I felt the most horrible in my life. I felt like a loved one was going to die. I felt pain in my bones and felt a hole in my stomach, intrusive thoughts and a strong sense of nausea and cold sweat all the time.

After this happend, I met Norma and thought it could not take it, but since I really love her I decided to hold tight and see how I was going to feel after.

Initially things got a bit better, she told me she felt closer to me for allowing her to explore this new relationship.

However, any time I knew or suspected them to be together the sense of sickness came back. It affected my relationship with my wife and daughter, my capacity to focus at work and relate to friends.

Now I am on holiday with my family and she is on her own on holiday. I am becoming really depressed and start having self harm thoughts (I know for a fact I won't pursue them but they are really disturbing). I realised there is no amount of reassurance from her side that will make me feel better for more that a couple of hours. I constantly seek validation from her by e.g. constantly checking my phone and hyperanalyzing her texts.

I can't enjoy the holiday time I really longed for and needed. I snap at people around me and have a hard time sleeping and letting go of intrusive thoughts.

I am terrified of losing her but I am seriously considering breaking up with her because this is unbearable.

Any help or advice?

Thank you.

Link to previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/MZEoef1fe3

Seeing as though I have been posting updates here for the last 8 months or so, I thought it'd be good to round out a conclusion. Additionally, I've been reading bell hooks' book 'All About Love' and it has given me some thoughts on lying, that I'm sure are going to be obvious to a lot of you, but has kind of been revelatory for me in my relationship that I've now ended.

To get it out of the way, Birch has been seeing MM again. Birch claims he has been integrated into MMs family and spends frequent time with MMs wife and kids each week. Birch told me that MMs wife has given him a "3 month trial period" of dating Birch.

Birch invited my NP and I to a dinner with MM last weekend. I had a weird feeling about it, but went anyway. It was awful. MM sat there dejected the whole time, refused to order a drink or food while we ate dinner, rarely engaged in conversation except for 2 occasions where he made derogatory jokes at the expense of Birch and then he abruptly left halfway through dinner. I asked him 2 direct questions; 1 about his day and the other about how his wife and children were and he got visibly angry and shut down. I thought Birch was going to stay at dinner but he took off after MM. Unsurprisingly, MM is just a terrible person.

I checked in on Birch a couple of days later and essentially caught him out on a lie. I asked him why he'd lie to me about something so trivial and then he reverted to usual mental health excuses and that he's scared of me judging him. I explained to him that it's not really up to him to control how I think of him and that attempting to is willingly withholding information from me so I cannot act knowingly on any given matter and that is unethical. He told me that lying, "for him" 🙄, is a self-preservation tactic. I then told him that I don't believe a word he's told me about the MM and wife situation and that now I know who the wife is I'm contacting her directly to tell her what I know. I also told Birch that I was worried about the relationship with MM, he's clearly at the very minimum, an emotionally abusive/manipulative person but given the fact he's physically assaulted Birch before, I believe he's capable of it again. I told Birch that I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who can't recognise what is and isn't healthy relationship dynamics and that he needs to find some self respect.

I'm trying to centre my relationships around actions that demonstrate care, respect, knowledge, responsibility, commitment and trust. I love who Birch was to me at a point in my life. But I cannot say he has shown up in relationship in a caring, respectful, knowledgeable, responsible, committed and trusting way in a long time. I'm sad. But ultimately, I know I'm better off and I hope I can give MMs wife information that she needs to manage her situation.

I (27F) stand by the poly relationship style and wouldn't want it any other way and the joys of poly largely outweigh the downs, but damn two breakups in the span of two months hurts like hell lol and i know it's very unlikely that this will be my last time dealing with this.

The first one was a pretty serious relationship, we had plans for the future, had been dating for over a year, dates and sleepovers at least twice a week, texted each other constantly, kept telling each other we were so compatible (same humor, lots of shared interests, great banter and chemistry, similar vision of what we wanted in life like poly and no kids) and she decided she wanted out with zero tentatives to work through it because she "wasn't feeling in love with me anymore" (which honestly hurts the most bc i thought this was a relationship worth fighting for and ofc the dopamine fades after a year especially when other things are at play like it was the case in our situation, but wtv im coming to terms with it). it felt very out of the blue as two weeks prior to our breakup she said she still wanted to live with me in the future.

The second one, i knew it had an expiry date right from the start as she already had plans of moving back to her province when we met, but we still went on with it and have been dating casually since november with dates once or twice a month (a bit more in the last two months bc of changes in our respective schedules), little texting in between, i still got very attached and now she's leaving next week, we had our last sleepover monday and im heartbroken. im hoping she can become a comet but i know long term she wants monogamy, and we dont live exactly close (same country but at two opposite ends, only doable via plane).

It's really weird and hard to go through these two very different breakups at the same time (one came out of nowhere and really shattered what i imagined my future would look like and the way the breakup was handled on her part adds a lot of resentment and anger to my sadness, the other was expected and i was less attached but i only have positive things to say about the relationship) and even though my friends are doing their best to understand my situation, they're not poly so i just wanted to share here and maybe hear some words of encouragement/support from people who went through it too.

I have an amazing support system and im seeing friends basically every other day, i love my job, i have tons of projects im working on, im journaling and writing a lot so im not moping around and i know ill be okay but still im going through it lol. and it's hard to ignore the "ill never find anyone again, ill never connect with anyone again" discourse in my brain (im currently not dating anybody).

if you've made it this far thanks for reading my word vomit.

Okay this might be weird BUT here we go!

I've been in two poly relationships before now, but both ended pretty horribly.

My first (where I figured out I was polyamorous) was when I joined a couple doing primarily parallel poly, becoming part of a throuple. I won't get into details, but tldr, they were both horrible to each other and broke up, but not with me- forcing me into a hinge position I didn't want nor was even made aware of until they were actively breaking up, then all the issues they had with each other were turned onto me, leaving me in extremely toxic relationships with both of them.

My second, I dated a poly boy who left me completely in the dark regarding his rls status with other people- so I was unaware of how many other people he was actively dating (I don't need details, but KNOWING that my partners are dating other people is a dealbreaker for me, and he knew this) which I didn't even know until AFTER we broke up- and had ZERO understanding of boundaries, would constantly make fun of me and actively bullied my other partner once I started dating her. (I broke up with her later for other compatibility reasons)

I realize this is not much experience to go off of compared to others, and that many other people in the poly community aren't like this (I have a couple friends who are poly!) but it's been seriously demoralizing to me regarding my love life.

A few days ago I started dating my current boyfriend, and honestly it feels way different than ANY other relationship I've been in, and I've been thinking about it and honestly like- I feel like I'd be perfectly fine being completely mono with him? (He's mono and knows that I'm poly, I made sure to be upfront with that)

Is this something that happens normally? Is this weird? I'm so confused, cause I've never been able to see myself being mono until now. (so I know it's not js NRE which I thought of at first)

^(Also I hope this is the right flair!)

Hi!! I am looking for any form of positive representation in media for polyamory, more specifically I am hoping to find movies or TV shows that represent polyamory in a positive light. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated!

Trying to articulate what I’m feeling or help put a name to it.

Sometimes I think about the slow reveal that I was being hidden from friends and family (my partners spouse knew about me) in my 1st poly relationship and they were never upfront about it. I was new and didn’t think I had to ask since they were experienced and very open on some of their socials and dating profiles.

It feels non consensual because they knowingly omitted this information while pushing me for love, and showing up to my friend and family events I invited them to. Me not having any clue I would never be invited in return.

I’ve left the relationship and plan to ask about this much earlier in the future if it’s at all unclear but why can’t I shake this icky feeling? Is it something else?

Background: I've tried poly in the past, but didn't have any good, stable relationships in it, and sorta blamed polyam as a whole for that. In a time of being single i began dating looking for a more monogamous life partner, but still very much valuing many of the concepts i learned from polyamory. Fast forward, I met my now nesting partner, he identified as ambiamorous, and we began a committed "monogamish" relationship. Over time we discussed ENM more, and decided polyam felt more right for our relationship.

That brings me to now: i have a wonderful, loving nesting partner. I have a long distance poly crush (very mutual crush, lots of flirting, just haven't met in person yet) who's moving to my state in a few weeks. My NP has gone on a few dates and is really liking somebody. My crush and I gush over how much we love our partners. My NP and i hype each other up for dates. I'm truly understanding how love can multiply, and frankly it all just seems easy. Then I read about how difficult and heart breaking polyamory can be, and it makes me question if I'm just not in the thick of it yet.

What has your experience been? Did things get harder? Easier? Stay the same?

ETA I'm very aware of nre in each individual relationship. My question is more about being polyamorous in general

My husband (45M) and I (44F) have been ENM for 4 years. Married for 15.
About a year ago we decided to start solo dating as we weren’t finding a lot of 4 way connections. He started dating C and I went on a date with 2 different guys but the dates did not continue because I didn’t want them.

He and C continued to communicate regularly, had made 3 dates total and her husband broke it off because he could sense feelings coming into play, which we all had agreed was a boundary.

My husband was devastated. Super depressed and revealed that he had fallen in love. So now we are both super sad and depressed because I didn’t know what to do with this information. He claims he wasn’t looking for it “it just happened” . Even though I knew they were “dating”, I feel cheated on. He claims he wasn’t being honest about where things were going because he knew it would hurt me.

To be fair, I realize in hindsight that I had been emotionally withdrawn. I’m in therapy and working on myself and my attachment issues.

A few months go by and I finally feel like he’s getting back to his normal self. Our relationship is getting better and I’m feeling more at ease. We attended a few Swinger events and reconnected with some past play partners.

Then she reached out and said she had “permission” to see him again. I reluctantly agreed, as I didn’t want to be the possessive wife. After seeing each other, they began communicating quite often again, to the point where I was uncomfortable with how much. Her husband was also uncomfortable and was getting more and more upset. He asked for permission to go see her to “just talk” about their relationship. Well, he never checked in while he was out, came home at 2am and what do you know. They had sex. Which left me feeling betrayed again.

A month ago, my husband pushed her to be more honest about their love with her husband. He said he was being more honest with me about his feelings of being Polyamorous, which he was and I was crying all the time. I don’t want to lose him but I’m seriously considering if I’m cut out for this.

She broke things off and said she needed some time to figure things out.

Again, my husband is super depressed and now I’m more upset than ever because we’re back to square 1.

We’re in couples therapy with an ENM therapist. Last night he admitted in therapy that he didn’t see a future without her as a part of his life. I feel like I’m being told to choose. He says he wants me to have this experience with another person but that doesn’t make it any easier or better. Today is our anniversary and so just don’t know how to function today. I’m sad and lost.
TIA

obviously the answer is “it depends” and “just ask your meta about it” but all the same, i wanna ask this as an open question/discussion

i’m my hinge’s newest partner and their birthday is coming up in a few months. i had an idea for something a little ambitious and, given the scope, i’m involving my meta in the planning. this got me curious, though: do you ever coordinate with your metas on gifts? how do you navigate multiple partners on occasions like holidays or birthdays? how do you deal with fears about getting gifts that are too similar or being upstaged?

i’m asking these not because i need advice, but because i want to hear y’all’s perspective.

Hello! My first post in this group, but not a happy one.

So I was in an abusive poly relationship. I'm new to terminology, but I think it was adjacent to unicorn hunting, though not exactly. I was friends with an established couple, we all caught feelings, we got together. I should've seen red flags at this stage because what was presented to me after our confessions was somehow both hierarchical but also relationship anarchy, even though from what I read about RA, they don't seem mutually inclusive? At least one of them claimed to practice RA, but also, their first partner still mattered more than me even when we were all three living together. A lot a lot a lot of other things went wrong while living together that I don't want to get into, but my therapist eventually got me to accept there was abusive behavior.

Mostly, now, I just wish I hadn't felt like so much of my recovery was me doing it alone. I had my therapist, who was very very helpful of course. But besides that, most of my would-be support network is family who I'm not fully out as queer to, let alone polyamorous. I tried opening up to one person about it not long after leaving them, but she immediately played devil's advocate for my exes in a way that both made it clear to me that most monogamous people weren't going to understand me, but also, how much the polyamorous dynamic played into the abuse.

It wasn't until I found different poly glossaries online and started learning about terminology and specifically unicorn hunting that I really felt like I wasn't alone in my experiences. I felt seen and like I had direction, but also so mad to learn how obvious the red flags would've been if I'd known. I don't despise my exes; it was a bad situation and I think we all made bad choices, not just them. I just wish they hadn't made me feel so alone while I was with them, and put me through feeling so alone while I was recovering from them too

I don’t really know why I’m posting this except that I have no one to talk to.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have three children. Recently he told me that even if our marriage improved, he still wants another woman in his life because he wants the attention, the flirting, the honeymoon phase, and the excitement that comes with someone new. He told me I can either accept that or we separate.
I know I’m not perfect. I struggled with depression for years. I withdrew, escaped into Xbox, stopped taking care of myself, and I know I hurt our marriage. He talked to me about it more than once, and sometimes I’d improve for a while, but I’d always seem to slip back. I carry so much guilt over that.
What I can’t stop wondering is whether I really destroyed everything, or whether it’s possible that even if I became the person he wanted today, it still wouldn’t change what he wants.
I feel trapped because every future I picture hurts. If we separate, I have to watch the man I’ve loved for 16 years move on with other women. If we stay together, I have to watch him have relationships with other women while coming home to me, and I’m supposed to keep pursuing him and hoping he’ll choose me.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve spent so long being a wife and a mom that I don’t know what’s left of me. I feel completely alone. I don’t have family or close friends to lean on, and I honestly don’t know how to imagine a future that doesn’t feel empty.
I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m right or that he’s wrong. I think I’m just looking for someone who’s been through something similar to tell me how you survived the feeling that your whole life fell apart overnight.

He says constantly that I’m priority and he doesn’t see it the way I’m seeing it as a betrayal and having to share but he has this need and so it has me feeling like I’m just a placeholder and someone to be used when this was never brought up until just recently until it was a huge blowup between us

Idk if this is the right sub, but I was hoping for some insight on how we both are seeing this and feeling and if that’s really the beginning of the end of a relationship such as ours

**edit: I am trying to respond to everyone and I appreciate everyone kindness in their advice and words, trying to find time to be on your phone as the replies come in with an active baby who is nursing is hard

*Edit Edit: I was told to add this bit of information that he’s already been talking and sexting other women, one he is insisting is a friend even after they have been sexting and that’s not a friend, going in chat room and talking apps and because my libido is not matched to his that there’s no reason for me to go out looking when I can’t keep up with him

Hello everyone!

I am curious about people's comfort level with sexual content in dating profiles. From what I gather, the advice for monogamous (straight?) people is to not discuss sexual preferences (or sex at all) in a dating profile. But I find there seems to be some leeway in profiles of polyamorous folks.

I'm sure this varies by person and preference, but is there an amount or topic that is an absolute deal breaker for you? Red flags? Specific topics that are acceptable? It depends on what you're looking for? I would love to hear some perspectives from the community!

I just need to get this out....

I was with someone for 7/8 months. He'd been poly for 3 years ENM for 5 years. So lots of experience right? Should have the research done, right?

WRONG

He constantly broke boundaries, cancelled plans, over shared his other relationship leading to me hating my meta. He made me beg for scraps of attention and love. I'm so glad I've opened my eyes to all this.

This was my first real poly relationship and it has taught me what NOT to accept. I am now letting my two partners show me how it feels to actually be loved by two people and not beg.

Note to all, true love doesn't require you to beg, plead or question where you stand.

UPDATE: So after being confronted with everything rather than responding he has blocked me on everything. No apology or acceptance. Just block. Such childish behaviour.

Yall,
My bf and I are poly, and he is getting to know someone who is generally cold towards me.
Here’s the tea:

Her partner reached out to get to know me previously, but it never worked out because he was like I don’t want to date friends. Alright. But after HE ASKED ME OUT, SHE BECAME COLD TOWARDS ME!????

And now my partner wants to build a friendship and see where it goes with her and I feel a bit iffy about it. I don’t know how do u navigate this? Has this ever happened before?

I (45F) am married to 48M. We've been poly for a few years, with me not having other partners so far. I however am texting with someone who was already a friend, and I am crushing HARD 😂 He knows we're poly, and though it's not gone beyond friendship, I feel like a blushing teenager around this man. I confessed my crush and we're going very slowly, because if it doesn't work out we both want to stay friends first and foremost.

Though I fully committed to being poly, this has really cemented that it is right for me. My feelings for my friend do not in anyway influence my feelings for my husband. On the contrary, I feel more confident and sexy with him.

I told my husband about the chatting and my confession and he was so happy for me. It really warmed my heart that he wanted me to feel the joy he feels with knowing that love multiplies 🥰

Very happy rant, no matter what happens with the crush ❤️

Estuve en una relación con un chico y una chica durante 6 meses. Sin embargo terminamos porque ellos creían que les había sido infiel.
El chico me creyó pero ella dice que ya no confía en mí y que no quiere saber nada de mí.
He intentado muchas cosas para volver a acercarme a ella. Actualmente, ambas estamos con nuestro novio. Pero ella sigue sin querer hablarme, sé que en el fondo desconfía de mí.
Sigo muy enamorada de ella y solo necesito un consejo.
Es la primera vez que hablo abiertamente en una comunidad sobre esto. Porque nunca me animé…

Hello first time posting here and looking for advice.

There is a lot of background to our friendship that is important context.

We are predominately swingers who lean on the friends with benefits side of things as opposed to random hookups. We have been in the lifestyle for 17 years and together for 25.

We met this couple in 2021. They were less than a year into the LS. Normally when we meet a couple, we keep vanilla lives and spicy lives pretty separate and only after really getting to know a couple do we mix the two. We also almost never break the condom rule. We broke both of these “rules” on the second date with this couple. We also spent a lot of time together. Nearly every other week. Family and friends things, spicy things, mix of both. We honestly fell in love with them and our what had become best friends with benefits situation.

At the end of summer they met a new couple. They were super excited for us all to meet. We met and things went seemingly well. Two weeks later, our couple said they were taking a break. We barely saw them again for 6 months. They didn’t take a break with new couple - just us and any other LS activities outside of new couple. We then reconnected (sexually) and they gushed over how great it was to reconnect. Another 6 months go by with infrequent hanging out and sexual tension virtually gone.

Finally one day I call them out on it and ask where we stand. They say they aren’t feeling a connection anymore and want to just stay friends. We are hurt, felt played/ strung along. We ask if we can communicate in person (this was all via text). They decline and get defensive that we want to talk about our feelings on moving forward. Our friendship eventually continues but is rocky and we no longer considered them best friends but just friends. We know for a fact that they intentionally lied to us during this period with declining plans with us to make plans with the other couple.

About a year or so later (into 2024), we noticed that we would have periods where they suddenly were reaching out, wanting to do more things with us - almost overnight becoming our “best friends” again acting as though nothing has changed (no sexual element still though). Then in December they say they are ready / willing to try again with us. They apologize for previous behavior and say they acknowledge it. A few months later they have a nasty breakup with said couple. We are getting closer again and they admit they a few times had short off periods with this couple. We align it to the times that they would “suddenly be our best friends again”. We have an at length discussion with them that we would no longer accept being their “fall back friends”.

We continue to get very close through summer 2025 and then they get back with this couple. It’s a little different than previous times - they don’t cut us off or treat us much differently. But we do go from seeing them a couple times a month to once every 6 weeks or so. We just accept it as what it is and don’t let ourselves get too attached again.

December rolls around and they have a massive, irreversible break up with this couple. We support them (as we have done in the past) and we get closer. We let our guard down as they have a huge confession/apology session for how they treated us in the past and it will never happen again. In February they ask us to try poly with them. They want to keep their circle small and acknowledge that although their preference would be for a closed or semi closed quad they understand we have a number of swinger friends. Due to an STI scare earlier in the year, we cut back meeting anyone new and cut out a few friends who were less careful than our preference. We share this and all agree that while we won’t go closed, we would keep our circle small.

Shortly after, they ask us about them adding a new couple to the polycule or at least for them to simultaneously date. While we still see other friends as swingers, we don’t have any other emotional connections besides them. We don’t feel it is fair to push back since we see others but we voice our concern of being pushed aside again. They assure us that never would happen and that our relationship is secure.

Over the next month my wife is going through a lot of anxiety (she has been struggling with it since our son was born in 2023). She finally agrees to try medicating. So during our trial of poly with them she is fighting anxiety and trying new medications. In addition she and the guy in the couple are both introverts while myself and his wife are extroverts. Our spouses are having trouble connecting on the level he wants due to this and her current mental state with the meds. This is early March. We started officially being poly in mid Feb.

We requested to go on adult dates as couples and individual dates to try and get connection working. They prefer to connect via texting and via sneaking away during joint family time. Neither work for my wife. She can’t turn off “being mom” when the kids are around and she is usually exhausted / touched out by the end of a full day with the kids. We need those intentional dates to be in the right head space. These requests never really happen and within a month (now April) we feel them pulling away again. It’s subtle little things but we notice it. This goes on for nearly two months. I even checked in once to see if things were okay and they assured that we were good.
Other than the known struggle for the two of them connecting (which he never talked to my wife about - only to his and to me - forcing she and I into this weird match making situation) , things seemed fine. And this just seemed like a minor slow down / set back. Not a deal breaker. We also were assured again that new couple wasn’t an issue and that if poly didn’t work for us we could go back to FWB and nothing would affect our friendship.

It’s now June and we had a camping weekend planned. We go camping and we know something is off. She won’t kiss me on the lips, they seem distant and don’t want to spend evening time with us. He seems particularly off.

I reach out the day we are back. And then it comes - once more we are friendzoned and they are going to prioritize this other couple for LS things because they are a better fit for them and that we are too risky for them because we see other people (even though we use protection with all of them and since we went poly, only ever saw two other couples besides them)

We are absolutely crushed and honestly shocked. We had so many touch points, so many reassurances. And then with talking it turns out they made the decision over a month prior and never told us. Just left us thinking things were fine because they “didn’t find the right moment to tell us”.

They tell us that things aren’t changing, that they are “just removing sex” and that they don’t understand why we are upset that we should put friendship first.

We feel entirely gaslit and invalidated by this. We say so. And try to do so without tinge of anger / hurt. But of course some comes through. And also - as true to their norm - it’s all through text. We are two weeks away from having them join my extended family and us for a weeklong camping trip. I suggest strongly that we need to talk through this before that trip or we will be uncomfortable during it. He takes it as a threat / ultimatum. I immediately clarify (again, text is a horrible form for this communication) that isn’t what I meant. Doesn’t matter. He is furious and then sends a massive rant. I had mentioned we really don’t want to be around them having PDA with their new couple after this change that it would be hurtful - he slams back with how they were hurt seeing some photos on fetlife with us and former friends of theirs (but still friends of ours) from 8 months prior well before we were poly. A bunch of things come out they never talked to us about - they were assuming we were seeing a bunch of new people during this time with them that we weren’t taking their safety seriously. I clarify everything they had assumed that was incorrect and also state they could have talked to us about this. They quickly deflect and say swinging wasn’t the issue it was the incompatibility with him and my wife (even though he never once talked to her about his feelings being hurt etc). And although they had assured us if poly wasn’t for us we could go back to FWB, that wasn’t true either.

So now here we are - these are our best friends. Our kids are close friends. We all have a deep caring for each other. But they have apparently moved on in their LS / poly world, again leaving us to have to navigate being friends and not being hurt. And they want us to be friends with the new couple and hang out all of us together. They even invited them on both of our vacations we have planned in August and October. This was before they told us they were breaking up with us but not before they internally made that decision. I don’t really want to be around them with the new couple. We / I can pretend everything is fine and have fun as vanilla close friends when that’s all it is. But with their poly couple with them - it will be in our face the relationship we had that we no longer have and it will just be really hurtful. But they don’t get it and get defensive whenever I bring anything up. I’m afraid if I say we don’t want to be around them with their new lovers present (at least during an overnight situation) - that it will be a whole new fight.

I’m at a loss as we don’t want to lose them as friends. But they have now hurt us multiple times including this latest time when we had been assured they learned from how they handled things before.

We don’t have many people we can talk about this with so not necessarily looking for answers but just wanting to get it off my chest. But hopeful some folks here would have experience with going from poly to vanilla and how to manage that relationship.

Thank you

EDIT: I worded the title poorly. I already feel like we are a priority to one another and was considering telling her that it means a lot to me (maybe ask if we can keep doing that), not considering asking her to make me a priority or a primary partner.

Please forgive me if this is worded badly, I'm autistic and not Super experienced with poly but am in my second poly relationship after having done plenty of ENM stuff. Basically im head over heels for this girl and like adore her, its mutual and im on cloud 9 :) she has another partner and likes to fool around with people in general which is rad, im kinda too busy for all that rn which is also rad i wasnt really looking to date anyone rn but shes too awesome. We have been partners for like a little over a month :)

I was talking with my therapist and realized that I feel a little nervous about what happened in my last (also poly) relationship happening again. My last partner was a super close good friend, then once we became partners they stopped putting in any effort, didnt care if we saw each other any more, would blow me off without any apology, wasnt curious about my life, acted more like fwb but not even a good friend tbh. They would say that there wasn't hierarchy but there was so much hierarchy and they always treated me like an afterthought. They also had too many existing priorities in life to ever really give us a real shot and never considered how I could fit into their life which was a bummer to say the least. It was not my favorite thing to see every day that they were a good partner to someone else right in front of me (them and their wife asked me to move in with them ahh regrets) but didnt care to do any of that when it came to me?

Things could not be more opposite with my current partner -- she is incredibly kind and thoughtful and she makes it really clear that she cares about me a lot :)

However! I had some feelings come up when she went on a date with someone else the other day, like maybe insecurity or fear of being replaced? I knew after a couple mins that is silly and we have our own unique relationship (have not mentioned any if this to my partner i know its a me problem). After talking about some stuff with my therapist, I came to the conclusion that an ideal relationship structure for me would probably be like a primary partner, but still everyone can do what they want outside that.

My therapist said that it would be a good idea for me to let her know that she is a priority to me and it means/would mean a lot to me if I can be a priority to her. I was kind of confused, I think she already makes it clear that im a priority to her and I make it clear that she is a priority to me, and it is a statement not a question but it sounds like a question? My therapist said its just good to share where im at with what would be ideal and put it out there (which doesnt sound like a bad idea), but I worry my partner will take it as me asking to be mono or something? Or not understand what I mean?

Anyway, do you guys think this is an ok thing to do? Does it make sense if I said it like that? How would you go about saying something like that if you wanted to? Thank you for any advice

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I am looking for some advice or and perspective on a situation I' havefound myself in. To be clear from the start, I'm not trying to assign blame to anyone. English is my second language.

I have became friends with a couple who had been together and practicing polyamory for about five years. They seemed to have a strong, stable relationship, and over time I grew more close to Person B. Eventually, I brought up a possibility of pursuing a romantic relationship with her, but only if everyone involved was genuinely comfortable with it. Person A, her partner, gave their full support and even seemed enthusiastic about the idea from my perspectivebased on what they told me . Both of them repeatedly assured me there was no veto power and that there were not a "messy list" that included me. They did not have a messy list but said if they did it would have been reserved for relationships like close friends in their vital support network(of which I was not) and family members.

Things went really well for a few months. However then I had an argument with Person A, who is now at this point my meta. It wasn't about the relationship at all—it was actually over politics. Disagreements like that were not unusual for us, and we'd always been able to work through them before. I knew the dynamic might be different now that I was dating their partner, but I wasn't prepared for how intense their reaction would be. They launched into a very personal attack on my character, and I eventually I decided I needed to step away from the conversation and asked for space.

I don't know much about what's happening between Person A and Person B behind the scenes. I've been told they're having ongoing conversations about everything, and my partner has been careful not to overshare, which I do appreciate—even if part of me wishes I knew more about what's going on.

At the moment, though, it feels like my relationship with Person B is on pause. I briefly saw my meta, and they told me that I "should have known better" than to date a friend. This comments has been sitting with me. I feel bad that this situation has caused so much conflict, but all three of us entered into this arrangement with clear conversations and mutual agreement. I'm struggling to figure out what, if anything, I could have done differently, what responsibility is actually mine, and what is theres.

I have one other partner, who is aware of the situation but is going through some family challenges of his own so they are not as present as they usually are to offer support, but have been leaning on my friends thought they are all monogamous and don't really know how to support on this.

Glad to see this being platformed. People are bad matches and bad at relationships in ways that have nothing to do with relationship structure (of any kind).

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2026-07-21/poly-presumption-nonmonogamy-on-trial

I’m not looking for advice or sympathy/empathy, just want to get a little into my feels about not being able to publicly share the joys of my relationship with people I care about because my partner is not fully out.

We’ve had some discussions about what limits might be necessary, and I respect that. But, for instance, this morning, he texted me an adorable photo of a stuffie wearing his glasses, and in a mono situation, I would have fully posted that to one of my more cozy socials (friends and family only) and tagged him to show how absolutely sickeningly cute we are, but I can’t because he and his wife are not out as poly to their families and many friends. This morning, his wife posted a sweet FB memory, and I have to accept that I don’t get that privilege.

It’s a challenge for me, because I’m fairly open and public about who I am, how I live, and what I believe in. I have a minor/burgeoning on moderate name recognition in my field and a reputation for being honest, authentic, and open, including some pretty spicy opinions, and yet, this is one closet I didn’t expect to be stuck in, and it feels like I’m being a little dishonest about who I am—if I come out as poly, people may put two and two together about him, and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take, for his sake and his wife’s sake.

Anyway…just chalking this one up to a growth opportunity…and maybe eating my feels a little.

I hope folks are having a good day/night, wherever you are ☺️

I recently ended a 4 year relationship with a woman who identifies as polyamorous. I’m trying to understand what happened and would appreciate perspectives from people with more poly experience.

On paper, I don’t think poly is wrong. In fact, I agreed with a lot of the ideas behind it, that monogamy is a social construct, that marriage isn’t the only valid relationship model, that one person doesn’t have to meet every need, and that "the one" may be more of a cultural story than a reality. So I wasn’t morally opposed to poly.

But emotionally, I learned that poly was extremely difficult for me.

Some relevant context, before this relationship, I had only had one serious sexual partner. That relationship left me with a lot of sexual shame and performance anxiety. I was raised in a cult and was a virgin until I was 27, and had never learned to relax period, so when I first started trying to have sex I had anxiety issues. My ex would say things that really damaged me, like that I was "not a man" and that I would "never fuck her like partner xxx" or "you go down more than anyone I've ever heard of". Things like that. I was used to abuse from my mother, so I had a lot of coping skills, so I put up with it for a long time (4 years with her too). After that, I was single and sexually avoidant for about 12 years. So when I met my recent partner, she was only my second sexual partner, and I came into the relationship with a lot of anxiety around sex, comparison, and not being enough.

First off, there was a lot of real love, growth, friendship, and intimacy in our relationship. She was one of the first people I felt truly known by, and she helped me grow a lot sexually and emotionally. That's part of what made this decision so difficult.

But the recurring issue was sexual comparison and oversharing.

I had never even heard of poly when we met, and when she asked if I'd be ok with it, I said probably not, so she suggested friends with benefits, and I was like sure why not. But we quickly developed feelings for each other, and early in the relationship (about 3 months in), after she slept with another partner (which devastated me, I had massive anxiety for a week, reading books helped me realize this was triggering insecurities I had been carrying this whole time, but it was very difficult), she shared details that were very painful for me to hear.

Things like him being "really good in bed," that it was "different, I'm on one end of the spectrum, he's on another" and other comments that made me feel ranked or compared. I tried to tell her hearing this stuff really hurt me, giving me nightmarish movies playing in my head, etc, but over time there would be little things that would leak out that really set me back.

When she would start trying to orgasm with me inside her, I'd go into performace/anxiety mode and have issues. I eventually got over it, and had been able to have her cum when I'm inside her, but it was sort of like I was barely hanging on trying to pass the test, rather than being fully embodied and passionate. I did have moments where I felt more free, and enjoying the moment, and not comparing though, so like I said a lot of growth. The passion was always a question too, maybe the chemistry is not great? I've only had two partners, so I don't have great context.

Recently however, she offhandedly remarked that with most men she can cum six times, or 3 to 9 times, and she told me more about her experience with the one guy. She also said "most men get harder" when she orgasms. So it really just hit the nail on the head with my particular insecurity.

I don’t think she necessarily meant to hurt me. Although it's hard to wrap my mind around why she doesn't understand why it would. She may have been trying to be honest, communicate her needs, express sexual openness, or voice frustration. But for me, it created intrusive thoughts and made sex feel like a comparison test. It hit the exact wound I already had. I had already struggled with her previous comments, and now this new one I wasn't sure I could get over.

To be fair, I had my own issues too. I could be ambivalent, distant, and not fully emotionally or sexually present. I know that hurt her. She wanted more from me sexually and emotionally, and I understand why she was frustrated. There were also broader compatibility issues, she wanted poly, deeper commitment (kids), possibly a shared home/family structure, and I never felt fully okay with the whole situation. I spent about 3 weeks mulling this over, and when we finally talked about it, she was actually angry at me, for how patient she was, and how I didn't put her pleasure first enough, things like that. I felt like my hurt wasn’t really acknowledged, and the conversation shifted toward how I had failed her.

What I’m trying to understand is:

Was this kind of sexual detail sharing normal in poly relationships, or was it a boundary issue?

Is it reasonable in poly to say, "I don’t want to hear sexual details or comparisons about other partners"?

If one partner has known sexual insecurity/comparison trauma, how much responsibility does the other partner have to avoid sharing details that could feed that?

Could this have worked with clearer boundaries, or is it likely that poly just wasn’t compatible with my nervous system?

For poly people: how do you communicate sexual needs without making a partner feel compared to others?

I’m not trying to paint her as a bad person. She loved me in many ways and helped me grow a lot. I also know I brought my own insecurity and baggage into the relationship. But the sexual comparisons/details left me feeling deeply hurt and unconfident, and I’m trying to understand whether my boundary around not hearing those details was reasonable, or whether this was mainly something I needed to work through internally. We were mostly monogamous during that 4 years, with her only sleeping with someone else a couple times, but each time it was very difficult. Especially with what I know now, I would find it very hard to be ok with her being with another man, and not having that anxiety come up. So maybe poly was just never for me. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure I'm going to carry this baggage into any monogamous relationship, although at least I'm not nearly as bad as I was when I met her.

Found a free zine from Strangers in a Tangled Wilderness that I thought folks in this community would appreciate. It is a guide that covers some paths to formalizing collective land ownership in current U.S. legal structures outside of the traditional nuclear family/single owner model, with a West Coast focus.

It starts with different ways to put people on a property title, then looks at the structure of LLCs (Limited Liability Corporations), nonprofits, land trusts, and cooperatives. Hope it is useful as a conversation starter to those cultivating households and communities outside of US social norms!

https://www.tangledwilderness.org/zines/together-or-not-at-all-digital

Private property is a bad system, and it’s also the context we currently live in and have to navigate [...] Collective ownership can help break down the individualization of our successes and failures, as well as our attachment to the couple form as a primary way of life. Living together links our lives in tangible, important ways. I want to imagine a bold and beautiful future of commitment and collaboration with my friends and comrades – a life lived in common, joys and struggles shared to whatever extent our affinity with one another allows. Formalizing collective ownership also offers real and critical protection to projects which are otherwise only as durable as each participant’s commitment to their ideals.

Hi! My boyfriend and I are having intimacy issues due to mismatched libidos. I am working on trauma and would not be able to or want to have sex every single day like he would. We are monogamous and had agreed to compromise but it seems that he’s still thinking about other possible solutions. He started a text convo with me about this idea and I really don’t think this was an okay way to start a convo about it but maybe I’m sensitive - so I figured it would ask people who actually have experience with these things. Is it okay to be this casual about bringing up the idea?

The convo (over text) goes:

Him: Babe, I would like your blessing to get a second wife

Me: lmao. Is this a new cute actress in a movie or something?

Him: No I mean irl. Hear me out. I know you're against the idea of sharing me but nothing would change in our dynamics, and it'd help alleviate some of the strain I'm putting on you asking for sex every single day. Well don't take it too seriously, I'm only half joking about it. Was just a fun idea that popped into my head lol.

——————

Needless to say, I got really mad and he didn’t think I’d get so upset at him. I’ve never been the type of person to even hint toward wanting it. In fact, I’ve said to him before that I would be devastated seeing him with another woman. But maybe I’m over reacting a bit? He and I joke around a lot in general so maybe that’s why he didn’t see my anger coming - but I also don’t think this a joke. Is this weird to you guys?