I just need to get this out....

I was with someone for 7/8 months. He'd been poly for 3 years ENM for 5 years. So lots of experience right? Should have the research done, right?

WRONG

He constantly broke boundaries, cancelled plans, over shared his other relationship leading to me hating my meta. He made me beg for scraps of attention and love. I'm so glad I've opened my eyes to all this.

This was my first real poly relationship and it has taught me what NOT to accept. I am now letting my two partners show me how it feels to actually be loved by two people and not beg.

Note to all, true love doesn't require you to beg, plead or question where you stand.

UPDATE: So after being confronted with everything rather than responding he has blocked me on everything. No apology or acceptance. Just block. Such childish behaviour.

My husband (45M) and I (44F) have been ENM for 4 years. Married for 15.
About a year ago we decided to start solo dating as we weren’t finding a lot of 4 way connections. He started dating C and I went on a date with 2 different guys but the dates did not continue because I didn’t want them.

He and C continued to communicate regularly, had made 3 dates total and her husband broke it off because he could sense feelings coming into play, which we all had agreed was a boundary.

My husband was devastated. Super depressed and revealed that he had fallen in love. So now we are both super sad and depressed because I didn’t know what to do with this information. He claims he wasn’t looking for it “it just happened” . Even though I knew they were “dating”, I feel cheated on. He claims he wasn’t being honest about where things were going because he knew it would hurt me.

To be fair, I realize in hindsight that I had been emotionally withdrawn. I’m in therapy and working on myself and my attachment issues.

A few months go by and I finally feel like he’s getting back to his normal self. Our relationship is getting better and I’m feeling more at ease. We attended a few Swinger events and reconnected with some past play partners.

Then she reached out and said she had “permission” to see him again. I reluctantly agreed, as I didn’t want to be the possessive wife. After seeing each other, they began communicating quite often again, to the point where I was uncomfortable with how much. Her husband was also uncomfortable and was getting more and more upset. He asked for permission to go see her to “just talk” about their relationship. Well, he never checked in while he was out, came home at 2am and what do you know. They had sex. Which left me feeling betrayed again.

A month ago, my husband pushed her to be more honest about their love with her husband. He said he was being more honest with me about his feelings of being Polyamorous, which he was and I was crying all the time. I don’t want to lose him but I’m seriously considering if I’m cut out for this.

She broke things off and said she needed some time to figure things out.

Again, my husband is super depressed and now I’m more upset than ever because we’re back to square 1.

We’re in couples therapy with an ENM therapist. Last night he admitted in therapy that he didn’t see a future without her as a part of his life. I feel like I’m being told to choose. He says he wants me to have this experience with another person but that doesn’t make it any easier or better. Today is our anniversary and so just don’t know how to function today. I’m sad and lost.
TIA

Trying to articulate what I’m feeling or help put a name to it.

Sometimes I think about the slow reveal that I was being hidden from friends and family (my partners spouse knew about me) in my 1st poly relationship and they were never upfront about it. I was new and didn’t think I had to ask since they were experienced and very open on some of their socials and dating profiles.

It feels non consensual because they knowingly omitted this information while pushing me for love, and showing up to my friend and family events I invited them to. Me not having any clue I would never be invited in return.

I’ve left the relationship and plan to ask about this much earlier in the future if it’s at all unclear but why can’t I shake this icky feeling? Is it something else?

I don’t really know why I’m posting this except that I have no one to talk to.
My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We have three children. Recently he told me that even if our marriage improved, he still wants another woman in his life because he wants the attention, the flirting, the honeymoon phase, and the excitement that comes with someone new. He told me I can either accept that or we separate.
I know I’m not perfect. I struggled with depression for years. I withdrew, escaped into Xbox, stopped taking care of myself, and I know I hurt our marriage. He talked to me about it more than once, and sometimes I’d improve for a while, but I’d always seem to slip back. I carry so much guilt over that.
What I can’t stop wondering is whether I really destroyed everything, or whether it’s possible that even if I became the person he wanted today, it still wouldn’t change what he wants.
I feel trapped because every future I picture hurts. If we separate, I have to watch the man I’ve loved for 16 years move on with other women. If we stay together, I have to watch him have relationships with other women while coming home to me, and I’m supposed to keep pursuing him and hoping he’ll choose me.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve spent so long being a wife and a mom that I don’t know what’s left of me. I feel completely alone. I don’t have family or close friends to lean on, and I honestly don’t know how to imagine a future that doesn’t feel empty.
I’m not looking for people to tell me I’m right or that he’s wrong. I think I’m just looking for someone who’s been through something similar to tell me how you survived the feeling that your whole life fell apart overnight.

He says constantly that I’m priority and he doesn’t see it the way I’m seeing it as a betrayal and having to share but he has this need and so it has me feeling like I’m just a placeholder and someone to be used when this was never brought up until just recently until it was a huge blowup between us

Idk if this is the right sub, but I was hoping for some insight on how we both are seeing this and feeling and if that’s really the beginning of the end of a relationship such as ours

**edit: I am trying to respond to everyone and I appreciate everyone kindness in their advice and words, trying to find time to be on your phone as the replies come in with an active baby who is nursing is hard

I (45F) am married to 48M. We've been poly for a few years, with me not having other partners so far. I however am texting with someone who was already a friend, and I am crushing HARD 😂 He knows we're poly, and though it's not gone beyond friendship, I feel like a blushing teenager around this man. I confessed my crush and we're going very slowly, because if it doesn't work out we both want to stay friends first and foremost.

Though I fully committed to being poly, this has really cemented that it is right for me. My feelings for my friend do not in anyway influence my feelings for my husband. On the contrary, I feel more confident and sexy with him.

I told my husband about the chatting and my confession and he was so happy for me. It really warmed my heart that he wanted me to feel the joy he feels with knowing that love multiplies 🥰

Very happy rant, no matter what happens with the crush ❤️

obviously the answer is “it depends” and “just ask your meta about it” but all the same, i wanna ask this as an open question/discussion

i’m my hinge’s newest partner and their birthday is coming up in a few months. i had an idea for something a little ambitious and, given the scope, i’m involving my meta in the planning. this got me curious, though: do you ever coordinate with your metas on gifts? how do you navigate multiple partners on occasions like holidays or birthdays? how do you deal with fears about getting gifts that are too similar or being upstaged?

i’m asking these not because i need advice, but because i want to hear y’all’s perspective.

Hello! My first post in this group, but not a happy one.

So I was in an abusive poly relationship. I'm new to terminology, but I think it was adjacent to unicorn hunting, though not exactly. I was friends with an established couple, we all caught feelings, we got together. I should've seen red flags at this stage because what was presented to me after our confessions was somehow both hierarchical but also relationship anarchy, even though from what I read about RA, they don't seem mutually inclusive? At least one of them claimed to practice RA, but also, their first partner still mattered more than me even when we were all three living together. A lot a lot a lot of other things went wrong while living together that I don't want to get into, but my therapist eventually got me to accept there was abusive behavior.

Mostly, now, I just wish I hadn't felt like so much of my recovery was me doing it alone. I had my therapist, who was very very helpful of course. But besides that, most of my would-be support network is family who I'm not fully out as queer to, let alone polyamorous. I tried opening up to one person about it not long after leaving them, but she immediately played devil's advocate for my exes in a way that both made it clear to me that most monogamous people weren't going to understand me, but also, how much the polyamorous dynamic played into the abuse.

It wasn't until I found different poly glossaries online and started learning about terminology and specifically unicorn hunting that I really felt like I wasn't alone in my experiences. I felt seen and like I had direction, but also so mad to learn how obvious the red flags would've been if I'd known. I don't despise my exes; it was a bad situation and I think we all made bad choices, not just them. I just wish they hadn't made me feel so alone while I was with them, and put me through feeling so alone while I was recovering from them too

Hi!! I am looking for any form of positive representation in media for polyamory, more specifically I am hoping to find movies or TV shows that represent polyamory in a positive light. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated!

I (27F) stand by the poly relationship style and wouldn't want it any other way and the joys of poly largely outweigh the downs, but damn two breakups in the span of two months hurts like hell lol and i know it's very unlikely that this will be my last time dealing with this.

The first one was a pretty serious relationship, we had plans for the future, had been dating for over a year, dates and sleepovers at least twice a week, texted each other constantly, kept telling each other we were so compatible (same humor, lots of shared interests, great banter and chemistry, similar vision of what we wanted in life like poly and no kids) and she decided she wanted out with zero tentatives to work through it because she "wasn't feeling in love with me anymore" (which honestly hurts the most bc i thought this was a relationship worth fighting for and ofc the dopamine fades after a year especially when other things are at play like it was the case in our situation, but wtv im coming to terms with it). it felt very out of the blue as two weeks prior to our breakup she said she still wanted to live with me in the future.

The second one, i knew it had an expiry date right from the start as she already had plans of moving back to her province when we met, but we still went on with it and have been dating casually since november with dates once or twice a month (a bit more in the last two months bc of changes in our respective schedules), little texting in between, i still got very attached and now she's leaving next week, we had our last sleepover monday and im heartbroken. im hoping she can become a comet but i know long term she wants monogamy, and we dont live exactly close (same country but at two opposite ends, only doable via plane).

It's really weird and hard to go through these two very different breakups at the same time (one came out of nowhere and really shattered what i imagined my future would look like and the way the breakup was handled on her part adds a lot of resentment and anger to my sadness, the other was expected and i was less attached but i only have positive things to say about the relationship) and even though my friends are doing their best to understand my situation, they're not poly so i just wanted to share here and maybe hear some words of encouragement/support from people who went through it too.

I have an amazing support system and im seeing friends basically every other day, i love my job, i have tons of projects im working on, im journaling and writing a lot so im not moping around and i know ill be okay but still im going through it lol. and it's hard to ignore the "ill never find anyone again, ill never connect with anyone again" discourse in my brain (im currently not dating anybody).

if you've made it this far thanks for reading my word vomit.

Hello everyone!

I am curious about people's comfort level with sexual content in dating profiles. From what I gather, the advice for monogamous (straight?) people is to not discuss sexual preferences (or sex at all) in a dating profile. But I find there seems to be some leeway in profiles of polyamorous folks.

I'm sure this varies by person and preference, but is there an amount or topic that is an absolute deal breaker for you? Red flags? Specific topics that are acceptable? It depends on what you're looking for? I would love to hear some perspectives from the community!

Okay this might be weird BUT here we go!

I've been in two poly relationships before now, but both ended pretty horribly.

My first (where I figured out I was polyamorous) was when I joined a couple doing primarily parallel poly, becoming part of a throuple. I won't get into details, but tldr, they were both horrible to each other and broke up, but not with me- forcing me into a hinge position I didn't want nor was even made aware of until they were actively breaking up, then all the issues they had with each other were turned onto me, leaving me in extremely toxic relationships with both of them.

My second, I dated a poly boy who left me completely in the dark regarding his rls status with other people- so I was unaware of how many other people he was actively dating (I don't need details, but KNOWING that my partners are dating other people is a dealbreaker for me, and he knew this) which I didn't even know until AFTER we broke up- and had ZERO understanding of boundaries, would constantly make fun of me and actively bullied my other partner once I started dating her. (I broke up with her later for other compatibility reasons)

I realize this is not much experience to go off of compared to others, and that many other people in the poly community aren't like this (I have a couple friends who are poly!) but it's been seriously demoralizing to me regarding my love life.

A few days ago I started dating my current boyfriend, and honestly it feels way different than ANY other relationship I've been in, and I've been thinking about it and honestly like- I feel like I'd be perfectly fine being completely mono with him? (He's mono and knows that I'm poly, I made sure to be upfront with that)

Is this something that happens normally? Is this weird? I'm so confused, cause I've never been able to see myself being mono until now. (so I know it's not js NRE which I thought of at first)

^(Also I hope this is the right flair!)

Background: I've tried poly in the past, but didn't have any good, stable relationships in it, and sorta blamed polyam as a whole for that. In a time of being single i began dating looking for a more monogamous life partner, but still very much valuing many of the concepts i learned from polyamory. Fast forward, I met my now nesting partner, he identified as ambiamorous, and we began a committed "monogamish" relationship. Over time we discussed ENM more, and decided polyam felt more right for our relationship.

That brings me to now: i have a wonderful, loving nesting partner. I have a long distance poly crush (very mutual crush, lots of flirting, just haven't met in person yet) who's moving to my state in a few weeks. My NP has gone on a few dates and is really liking somebody. My crush and I gush over how much we love our partners. My NP and i hype each other up for dates. I'm truly understanding how love can multiply, and frankly it all just seems easy. Then I read about how difficult and heart breaking polyamory can be, and it makes me question if I'm just not in the thick of it yet.

What has your experience been? Did things get harder? Easier? Stay the same?

ETA I'm very aware of nre in each individual relationship. My question is more about being polyamorous in general

I’m not looking for advice or sympathy/empathy, just want to get a little into my feels about not being able to publicly share the joys of my relationship with people I care about because my partner is not fully out.

We’ve had some discussions about what limits might be necessary, and I respect that. But, for instance, this morning, he texted me an adorable photo of a stuffie wearing his glasses, and in a mono situation, I would have fully posted that to one of my more cozy socials (friends and family only) and tagged him to show how absolutely sickeningly cute we are, but I can’t because he and his wife are not out as poly to their families and many friends. This morning, his wife posted a sweet FB memory, and I have to accept that I don’t get that privilege.

It’s a challenge for me, because I’m fairly open and public about who I am, how I live, and what I believe in. I have a minor/burgeoning on moderate name recognition in my field and a reputation for being honest, authentic, and open, including some pretty spicy opinions, and yet, this is one closet I didn’t expect to be stuck in, and it feels like I’m being a little dishonest about who I am—if I come out as poly, people may put two and two together about him, and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take, for his sake and his wife’s sake.

Anyway…just chalking this one up to a growth opportunity…and maybe eating my feels a little.

I hope folks are having a good day/night, wherever you are ☺️

My personal favorite rule (and it is a rule) I have in new relationships is I have to leave by 9pm/you have to leave by 10pm. Not because of any relationship agreements or curfews but because I’m autistic and if I don’t sleep in my own bed with my nighttime routine I become Evil.

But I usually have to explain that it’s completely self imposed and people only believe me half the time and think I’m just covering for some super jealous and controlling NP who is anxiously waiting up for me 🙄

What are some of your self imposed rules?

Hi! My boyfriend and I are having intimacy issues due to mismatched libidos. I am working on trauma and would not be able to or want to have sex every single day like he would. We are monogamous and had agreed to compromise but it seems that he’s still thinking about other possible solutions. He started a text convo with me about this idea and I really don’t think this was an okay way to start a convo about it but maybe I’m sensitive - so I figured it would ask people who actually have experience with these things. Is it okay to be this casual about bringing up the idea?

The convo (over text) goes:

Him: Babe, I would like your blessing to get a second wife

Me: lmao. Is this a new cute actress in a movie or something?

Him: No I mean irl. Hear me out. I know you're against the idea of sharing me but nothing would change in our dynamics, and it'd help alleviate some of the strain I'm putting on you asking for sex every single day. Well don't take it too seriously, I'm only half joking about it. Was just a fun idea that popped into my head lol.

——————

Needless to say, I got really mad and he didn’t think I’d get so upset at him. I’ve never been the type of person to even hint toward wanting it. In fact, I’ve said to him before that I would be devastated seeing him with another woman. But maybe I’m over reacting a bit? He and I joke around a lot in general so maybe that’s why he didn’t see my anger coming - but I also don’t think this a joke. Is this weird to you guys?

My ex meta, asked my partner out on a date so they can "rekindle their relationships". Of course my partner accepted because we all know that 5th time is the charm. My partner is obviously convinced they won't get back together. As if I allucinated the last 4 times.

I know it's none of my business but I'm still a bit mad, they've broken up multiple times for multiple incompatibilities in the last few years. It's just emotional taxing because she wants non hierarchical and we nest. She doesn't like me and it's mutual, but she believes true poly is KTP so she always pushes for meetups etc. She wants regular overnights and our house is too small so it's my fault for not being into threesomes with her. Etc etc. It's always SO. MUCH. DRAMA

I hope I can maintain better boundaries this time around. BUT FUCK. Can you all give me a break?

Found a free zine from Strangers in a Tangled Wilderness that I thought folks in this community would appreciate. It is a guide that covers some paths to formalizing collective land ownership in current U.S. legal structures outside of the traditional nuclear family/single owner model, with a West Coast focus.

It starts with different ways to put people on a property title, then looks at the structure of LLCs (Limited Liability Corporations), nonprofits, land trusts, and cooperatives. Hope it is useful as a conversation starter to those cultivating households and communities outside of US social norms!

https://www.tangledwilderness.org/zines/together-or-not-at-all-digital

Private property is a bad system, and it’s also the context we currently live in and have to navigate [...] Collective ownership can help break down the individualization of our successes and failures, as well as our attachment to the couple form as a primary way of life. Living together links our lives in tangible, important ways. I want to imagine a bold and beautiful future of commitment and collaboration with my friends and comrades – a life lived in common, joys and struggles shared to whatever extent our affinity with one another allows. Formalizing collective ownership also offers real and critical protection to projects which are otherwise only as durable as each participant’s commitment to their ideals.

Glad to see this being platformed. People are bad matches and bad at relationships in ways that have nothing to do with relationship structure (of any kind).

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/story/2026-07-21/poly-presumption-nonmonogamy-on-trial

EDIT: I worded the title poorly. I already feel like we are a priority to one another and was considering telling her that it means a lot to me (maybe ask if we can keep doing that), not considering asking her to make me a priority or a primary partner.

Please forgive me if this is worded badly, I'm autistic and not Super experienced with poly but am in my second poly relationship after having done plenty of ENM stuff. Basically im head over heels for this girl and like adore her, its mutual and im on cloud 9 :) she has another partner and likes to fool around with people in general which is rad, im kinda too busy for all that rn which is also rad i wasnt really looking to date anyone rn but shes too awesome. We have been partners for like a little over a month :)

I was talking with my therapist and realized that I feel a little nervous about what happened in my last (also poly) relationship happening again. My last partner was a super close good friend, then once we became partners they stopped putting in any effort, didnt care if we saw each other any more, would blow me off without any apology, wasnt curious about my life, acted more like fwb but not even a good friend tbh. They would say that there wasn't hierarchy but there was so much hierarchy and they always treated me like an afterthought. They also had too many existing priorities in life to ever really give us a real shot and never considered how I could fit into their life which was a bummer to say the least. It was not my favorite thing to see every day that they were a good partner to someone else right in front of me (them and their wife asked me to move in with them ahh regrets) but didnt care to do any of that when it came to me?

Things could not be more opposite with my current partner -- she is incredibly kind and thoughtful and she makes it really clear that she cares about me a lot :)

However! I had some feelings come up when she went on a date with someone else the other day, like maybe insecurity or fear of being replaced? I knew after a couple mins that is silly and we have our own unique relationship (have not mentioned any if this to my partner i know its a me problem). After talking about some stuff with my therapist, I came to the conclusion that an ideal relationship structure for me would probably be like a primary partner, but still everyone can do what they want outside that.

My therapist said that it would be a good idea for me to let her know that she is a priority to me and it means/would mean a lot to me if I can be a priority to her. I was kind of confused, I think she already makes it clear that im a priority to her and I make it clear that she is a priority to me, and it is a statement not a question but it sounds like a question? My therapist said its just good to share where im at with what would be ideal and put it out there (which doesnt sound like a bad idea), but I worry my partner will take it as me asking to be mono or something? Or not understand what I mean?

Anyway, do you guys think this is an ok thing to do? Does it make sense if I said it like that? How would you go about saying something like that if you wanted to? Thank you for any advice

My boyfriend (R) and I have been together for 13 months now and while I enjoy our relationship and am mostly happy, I don't feel like some of my needs are being met. We are both poly (started poly at the beginning), he's married and he and his wife have both been poly for 10 years. They have two kids and his family takes up a majority of his time, which is understandable and I wouldn't dream of asking him to push them aside for me. I also have a second partner (J) but he's such a workaholic and lives in another state so we can only get together every few months.

I have been thinking for a while that I am wanting more from R than he is capable of giving. We are only able to hang out once a week for 4-5hrs but he does often cancel due to family. I'm not sure if this is me being lonely or just feeling like I'm not a priority. I tried asking for more time with him but unfortunately that's not possible until school starts again. I realize I'll never be his first priority, we can't move in together, and I'm not okay with that. Thinking about this made me realize that I actually don't have a primary partner, or at least he doesn't feel like one. And not to go into too much detail, but there's some things sexually that he finds difficulty with and having recently met up with J, it's such a welcome difference with him. For me, sex is a way to help me relieve stress and have fun and I have a lot of stress going on right now....

I know I should discuss this with R and I will, I just wanted to hear some opinions from those with more experience in poly. But I'm wondering if I should branch out and actually find a primary partner for me, where I am their first priority. I am turning 30 next year and I really thought I'd be living with or have future plans to live with a partner by now. I would love a partner to come home to and just drabble on about my day, hear about their day, watch the TV shows we enjoy, and then have naughty time. I've almost reached my limit with random roommates, not getting along, and cleaning up after them.

Please share your thoughts, and thank you.

I’ve seen a lot of posts about NRE and handling partners out with others. My experience is that they’re becoming synonymous. I try to self-regulate, process what is going on internally and end up feeling disconnected negatively. Which basically deregulates me more.

Has anyone gone through the similar?

**Edit:

Thanks for the responses and how people define the two words. I was hoping more about your own experience figuring out how you grew in self regulation.

I’ve seen where people have stated “poly/enm can show you the cracks in a relationship and in yourself.” I find that not wrong and that it’s allowing me to seek a better version of a headed me.

While I am in a situation currently where I am attempting to navigate regulating emotions, my mind is calmer than my body but the body likes to produce negative thoughts and energy.

I’m asking my question to learn from others, not complain ***

​

I am looking for some advice or and perspective on a situation I' havefound myself in. To be clear from the start, I'm not trying to assign blame to anyone. English is my second language.

I have became friends with a couple who had been together and practicing polyamory for about five years. They seemed to have a strong, stable relationship, and over time I grew more close to Person B. Eventually, I brought up a possibility of pursuing a romantic relationship with her, but only if everyone involved was genuinely comfortable with it. Person A, her partner, gave their full support and even seemed enthusiastic about the idea from my perspectivebased on what they told me . Both of them repeatedly assured me there was no veto power and that there were not a "messy list" that included me. They did not have a messy list but said if they did it would have been reserved for relationships like close friends in their vital support network(of which I was not) and family members.

Things went really well for a few months. However then I had an argument with Person A, who is now at this point my meta. It wasn't about the relationship at all—it was actually over politics. Disagreements like that were not unusual for us, and we'd always been able to work through them before. I knew the dynamic might be different now that I was dating their partner, but I wasn't prepared for how intense their reaction would be. They launched into a very personal attack on my character, and I eventually I decided I needed to step away from the conversation and asked for space.

I don't know much about what's happening between Person A and Person B behind the scenes. I've been told they're having ongoing conversations about everything, and my partner has been careful not to overshare, which I do appreciate—even if part of me wishes I knew more about what's going on.

At the moment, though, it feels like my relationship with Person B is on pause. I briefly saw my meta, and they told me that I "should have known better" than to date a friend. This comments has been sitting with me. I feel bad that this situation has caused so much conflict, but all three of us entered into this arrangement with clear conversations and mutual agreement. I'm struggling to figure out what, if anything, I could have done differently, what responsibility is actually mine, and what is theres.

I have one other partner, who is aware of the situation but is going through some family challenges of his own so they are not as present as they usually are to offer support, but have been leaning on my friends thought they are all monogamous and don't really know how to support on this.

Hi, can you please click the link below to see what portion of my poly partner's pie chart of partners & the percentage of needs we fullfill (It is a chart I created based on what my percentage is from many conversations with him over the course of nearly a year.) We are on break right now while partner #1 is visiting him for a month since I've had difficulty accepting the situation; by that I mean accepting what I am and am not to him, and what traits I do and don't have that he views as part of his idea of the perfect woman that he aspires to interact with via multiple imperfect women. I am partner #5, the pink slice in the chart. Do you have any suggestions for me on how I can cope and accept the limitations of who I am and the fact that I only bring a few things to the table? How can I not let it bother me?

https://chatgpt.com/s/m_6a610c7b8c50819180b9dda2e0530e26

If you are unable to see the chart in the link, here is the breakdown:

Me: 10% (I'm partner #5)
Partner #1: 15%
Partner #2: 15%
Partner #3: 5%
Partner #4: 5%
Remaining 50% is what he wants to find on a continual basis through sex and conversation between now and the time he is dead.

He is my only partner the past year and I became poly in title after meeting him.