Hi everyone, hoping to get some outside perspective on a few open questions in my relationship structure.

Background: I’m M32. I’ve been seeing M37 since last year. He’s been with M43 for 6 years. they’re nesting partners, opened their relationship 3 years ago, and M43 has his own boyfriend (M41). M37 and I became official boyfriends a few weeks ago. I’m the “second connection” to M37. we have a romantic, emotional, and erotic relationship; nothing like that exists between me and M43. I also see other people casually outside this.

I came into polyamory as an outsider, trying to unlearn my monogamy-default assumptions as I go. One thing I’ve landed on: there’s no universal playbook, just ongoing conversations specific to each relationship.

Here’s what I’d love input on:

1. What happens if they ever close the relationship?
I’ve asked M37 this directly and haven’t gotten a real answer. Curious how others have thought about or discussed this with a primary/nesting couple.

2. Consent and involvement in disclosure.
Eight months ago, M37 and M43 told their parents they were non-monogamous, their call, no issue. But I recently learned M37 also told his parents he was dating me five months ago, before we were official, and I only found out after the fact. We never discussed sharing this together, it just happened on his end. I want us deciding together what gets shared and when, rather than me finding out retroactively.

3. What does long-term look like for a secondary?
M37’s been clear he can’t offer living together since he’s settled with M43. That brought up grief for me, but also curiosity: what does a meaningful long-term secondary relationship look like without the traditional markers?

4. Prioritizing myself.
I’ve quietly decided to treat myself as priority #1 and M37 as priority #2: a personal compass so I don’t lose myself. Curious if others have language for this.

5. Feeling informed rather than included in decisions.
Example: M37 and I had weekend plans to see M43’s boyfriend M41 for breakfast (I have no direct contact with M41. everything routes through M37). Plans got moved, cancelled by M37 unilaterally, then reinstated the next morning. I went along each time, but noticed my gut flagging that I was informed of decisions, not part of making them. I want to raise this without it landing as a demand for control I don’t want.

Would love to hear how others have approached any of these. especially #1 and #5. Thanks for reading.

I dated a woman who was solo-poly about a year ago, and I have read extensively about polyamory, I was a part of a poly/open social group, and I have participated in a polyamory roundtable discussion group in my city. So I completely understand the premises behind polyamory.

But with my ex, I fell for her very hard, and I struggled with jealousy, and the thought of her being with other partners. Since we broke up, I have processed a lot of emotions, and I am kind of in a different space.

Now, I am seeing someone casually who I help a bit financially. She has a kid, and we get along great, but I would never cohabitate, and I am not interested in being serious with her. I am pretty sure she sees other people, and it doesn't bother me at all. I am bi, and I see a man I know now and then. He is married to a man, and his husband is fine with him playing. I'd guess they are more sexually open, and not poly. My guy friend knows I see other people, and he doesn't care, and it doesn't bother me he is married. I also know a woman who identifies as ENM who I get together with. We chat between dates, and are friendly, and she knows I see other people. It doesn't bother me that she sees other people.

Have I transitioned into identifying as solo-poly? Or is it that I am just not that attached to any of them? Dating has kind of beat me down, and I live alone, and would never cohabitate again. And I would absolutely never marry again. And I am open to seeing more people. For a while after breaking up with my ex I was anti-poly, but now I feel like I have a new perspective. Does this sound like someone who is solo-poly?

so far, the only one i've experienced is how few other people practice it. what downsides have you experienced?

I totally get poly dating independently/separately but I’ve also heard that solo means living alone, i.e., no nesting partner. Is that true?

Newbie here, so I'm sorry, if this is a topic which is often discussed....

I've tried embracing my polyamory identity for several years now. 2 years ago I started my first sexual romantic Poly relationship and in the end, everything what could go wrong, went totally wrong (bad communication, trying to feel secure by establishing rules and hierarchies, lack of self-esteem and self-security and so on). A few weeks ago my partner and I decide to keep a lot of distance as our relationship didn't felt good in anyway anymore.

I've never met anyone else I could build a non-friendshiplike relationship with, so now I'm without any kind of sexual-romantic relationship, although I really like that kind of relationship. But people before relationships, right?

Anyway, here's my question: as I mostly hear about those "I'm so happy with my thousand partners"-success stories in the polyam community - does anyone of you have a success story which does NOT include sexual romantic relationships? Do you experience physical intimacy without a sexual-romantic frame (like cuddling with friends or whatever..)?

I would love to meet more poly people but being in the uk, not that many or people just don’t really talk about it as much. A shame really.

I’m curious about being solo poly. I’ve been mono all my life, but I’m thinking this may be a good fit for me right now. How does one get started or find local poly people?

Hi! I've been practicing poly with my nesting partner for about a year. Together for 6+

After what's been both refreshing and a complicated time for us. I'm starting to think more deeply about what I as an individual person really want. And I'm realizing for more than 2 years I've been thinking about living alone. And I'm really interested into a more me first type of relationship where my needs and desires are what are driving my life.

I'm really interested in solo poly and I'm curious if folks would be interested in sharing more about their stories. How did you know that's what you wanted? Did any folks transition from a hierarchy poly partnership to solo poly?

I've been solopoly for a few years now and haven't been as open with it as I'd like to be. I would love to talk with anyone about it and hear some other stories and life experiences while getting to know people in the community.

I'm still pretty new to this subreddit so if I'm in violation of anything please let me know and I'll correct myself.

My financial future is in limbo with current COVID conditions. I've been feeling insecure in my relationships with my partners and myself as a result of everything. I'd been sheltering with a partner when I realized recently the magnitude of how insecure I've felt. I've been totally hogging their attention and still somehow find myself feeling inferior to my metas.

I'm making distance from my partner so I can reflect and work on me and not be so clingy with them. I really want to combat these thoughts and feelings so I can be a more considerate partner and not get stuck in a depressive funk. I want to keep focusing on getting things accomplished.

So how do you cope when you're broke? Anyone have any solid free resources for overcoming insecurity-driven jealousy in relationships? Advice and wisdom are also very welcome resources. Thanks in advance, folks.

Here's something no one talks about in the polyamorous community- solo privilege.

Essentially, a Solo poly person enters each relationship with their unit ( themselves) as primary. They are their own most protected relationship, and additions do come second. That means solo poly people generally exclude partners from:

• finances -living arrangements
• child rearing
• major decisions
• influence on other relationships
• use of assets (vehicles, property, expensive equipment for hobbies ECT)

If there is any "chosen family" that generally includes non romantic relationships:

-roommates -friends -metas -children

These things and people are very much valued and protected before romantic partners. For example, a friend's needs will be met before a romantic partner's. If a romantic partner tries to make a major decision together with a solo poly person, the solo poly person will see it as interference.

When it comes down to it, autonomy will overrule partners. That's privilege. It's not all that different that couples privilege, the unit is just different. It does affect interpersonal relationships differently.

I know this pisses off relationship anarchists and non hierarchical poly people. But, privilege is everywhere! When we value and protect our privilege, it doesn't have to be toxic. It's all well and good, so long as it is understood by the parties involved.

This is the dynamic I thrive in. I come first! And my autonomy will not be fucked with by anyone seeking a romantic relationship! Yeah, I love and protect the shit outta my solo privilege!

​

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Now I'm lonely af and feeling extremely touch starved, and only been isolating for two weeks.

Saying that, I don't envy people who are cooped up with their partners 24/7 for the foreseeable future either, that is gonna cause some relationship strain.

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This unconference is brought to you by Speak Easy. We created the online (un)conference events to extend the benefits of discussing polyamory and relationship dynamics and make it more accessible for people who may not have the time or means to travel to an in-person (un)conference. The previous (un)conferences had such a positive effect on the people who attended, we hope you’ll join us!

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I currently live alone, as my personal quiet space is very important to me as a solo poly introvert, both for managing my energy and mood, and for avoiding my codependent tendencies. As we may be looking at a quarantine in the near future, my partners and I have been discussing a contingency plan. I love my alone time, but several weeks straight is excessive. I am considering living with my partner for a few weeks during this time. We have been dating about 14 months now. We usually have 2 overnights each week, and have spent up to a week while travelling, but I do find myself getting antsy after a few days. I don't want this to cause stress on our relationship. Anyone in a similar boat? Thoughts?

Note: I recognize that this is a 'first world problem' and that there are much more serious concerns around this pandemic. However, I figured this community might have some ideas for these kinds of considerations.

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So as a guy I (freshly single) am very much into the cuckquean fetish. But also I beleive that I might be solo polyamorous. Now my question is if these two things could fit together. Does anyone have any experience in that direction?

Hi all,

I’ve got some good news in case you havent heard: SoPoCo2020 tickets are on sale and the location is New York City! April 18-19th. We would love to see y’all there this year!
I’ve got some more good news: the earlybird special ticket prices are still available, and you have until this sunday (2/23) at 11:30PM Eastern to purchase. They are in the usual tiers of 3 different prices so you can choose your own adventure (they’re the same ticket package just different prices). We want this to be accessible for everyone as much as we’re able. We know it is expensive to go to a conference all weekend and we want people to be able to pay what you can, and for those of you who are able to pay more we really appreciate it because that helps cover the cost of folx who arent able to contribute the higher amounts.
The last piece of good news: the tickets are refundable up until 24 hours before the conference starts, which means you can get a refund if needed all the way up until April 17th at 9AM Eastern. So there’s almost no risk involved to get your tickets early!
Our keynote speakers this year are Roselyn Thomas, Parnia Nyx, and Malika Cumbie, and we’re so thrilled to have them with us sharing their journeys and wisdom. Our catering will come from a great place in New York called Empanada Mama, and we’ll have an assortment of mostly vegan and gluten free options with a couple of options for meat eaters and gluten eaters. We’ll be sending out the menu before the conference so folx who are unable to eat the food can have enough time to make other plans if needed.
The space will be scent free, we’ll have a separate room designated as the quiet space for folx to go to relax if needed, we’ll have nametags with name&pronouns as well as rainbow stickers to show your queerness (only if you choose to, we had some folx last year who said they’d have liked to know and let others know who’s queer so we can more easily find each other). The nametags come in red, yellow, and green, signifying approachability. Anything else you might need to make this a pleasant experience? Email us at [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) and let us know! We are a very small organizing team this year but we still want to do everything we can to help you feel comfortable and welcome.
Thanks, and hope to see you all soon!
-Kelli, They/Them
#SoPoCo2020 Organizing Team ❤️🌈
https://www.facebook.com/events/536584983791841/

https://sopoco2020.eventbrite.com

Have you ever had anxiety about one relationship prevent you from being present and happy with another partner? How did you deal?

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I’ve been solo poly in practice for under a year. I’m still working out the logistics of do I tell my partners about each other? Do I tell them about my non-partnered sexual activities outside of regular check-ins?

Anyway, a new situation in my life just came up. I was vacationing to see my friends and visit a partner (let’s call her X) that’s long distance and another partner (let’s call her XX) was going to pick me up at the airport. When XX picked me up I told her all about my weekend strategically omitting any intimate details about X. I would like to talk to XX about her preference on knowing about my other partners before spilling all of the details. I want to hear her opinion but mine is that I’d rather not share. It didn’t seem like the right time to have that conversation but it’s coming up tomorrow during our check-in. I should also mention that XX is married.

So we’re driving along, it’s been an hour in the car and we’re 10 minutes from my house. XX starts telling me that she has some big earth shattering news that she didn’t want to tell me before my trip or when she first picked me up. I AM WORRIED! XX is making it sound like it’s going to be a huge effect on me and, to be honest, my greatest fear was that she decided to leave her husband or that she might’ve given me a permanent STI. XX also said that I was welcome to get out of the car and never talk to her again and she’d understand. Then XX lets me have it: she’s 11 weeks pregnant.

I really care for any of my partners, hence why I consider them so dear to me as to call them partners. I’m AFAB so my first joking reaction was to ask if it was mine. We laughed and she encouraged me to take time and think about how it was making me feel. We had dinner that night together and I asked all of the questions mainly: when did you find out? And, since she’d had a week to think about it, what would you like to do with our relationship?

We’ve always been playfully aloof. Agreeing that what we have is amazing and when it ends, it ends. XX said that she’d like to continue on that trajectory all while remaining aware that this could be a dealbreaker for me. I’ve always said, prior to this evening, no kids for me and she’s been supportive.

It’s been a week and I’ve mulled it over. XX’s pregnancy doesn’t seem like it’ll effect me for the time being. I think XX is so sexy and I’m a more turned on by her being pregnant than turned off. I told her that I’d like to continue our relationship with the same idea. I am worried about the dreaded pregnancy brain more than anything else. I also feel, in this moment, that when the baby comes it may be the end of us. So that’s a little sad for me, but thus is life. I’m putting myself and my boundaries first.

In my practice of solo poly: I won’t go to their house if they cohabitate, I will and maybe spend the night if they don’t. I have no desire to meet other partners, but I don’t mind hearing about them if they want to share (no negative-talk permitted). I don’t allow people to stay over at my house, but I enjoy planning all of the mini vacations so that we can spend the night/weekends in a neutral space. No partner is to be seen as a primary, there’s enough love to go around or to communicate that I have reached my limit. I actually treat my platonic best friends and myself as my primaries and it’s one of the first things I communicate to a potential partner.

Meanwhile, I’m very excited for XX and I’m also excited to love and support her while her body changes. X and I are doing well and I’m actively seeking out a third. I’d call them XXX but that seems like a heavy crown. This just seemed like a scenario only like-minded folx could grasp and I wanted to share.

Happy trails!

Though I've identified as poly most of my life without even knowing there was an actual title, I'm finally reading about and trying to meet and talk to others who feel this way. Finding this subgroup is very interesting because seeing that there's a group of people who want to be in a poly dynamic without a huge commitment (am I getting solopoly correctly? Please correct me or inform me if I'm wrong), it's opening my eyes to who is out there and that there might be people interested in various types of poly relationships or dynamics.

My question is, how does a couple meet solopoly female(s)? What is the best way to connect that is appropriate?

Especially in the San Francisco Bay Area. We are two working, fit, happy professionals who have so much love to give, and would love to learn more about meeting a like minded woman who shares our values and likes to have fun, and just let thing evolve how ever works best for all. Any guidance is appreciated.

Thanks for your time and patience with a new poster!

I’m in a new poly relationship. I’m not seeing anyone else right now. She is in two other relationships. She is Solo-poly, her other two relationships are married, so I’m the only person she is seeing that isn’t seeing someone else. We live separately but get to see each other a few times a week. She has met a few of my friends and my family. The topic of Facebook relationship status came up over breakfast. I hadn’t given it much thought. I told her, Facebook only allows you to list one relationship. She said all her other partners have Facebook status with their live in partners. I said I’d think about it. I asked her what status would you like. The choices that make sense are “In a Relationship” “In an Open Relationship” or “It’s Complicated” She said she needs to talk to her other partners about it.

What do you all do with Facebook and other social media?