Recovering from an affair is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve never been more loved or appreciated or honest or vulnerable than I was when I was with my AP. He knew me & parts of my life & he seemed to choose me anyway. Now it’s over & it’s been months of NC & I still seem to fucking miss him & feel like I can’t breathe sometimes.

Am I stuck in the fantasy realm or was he just that sweet?

Is the first cut the deepest???

Good morning, fellow adulterers!

If you haven't seen the recent Reddit post about the scarcity of mature women in their 40s and 50s, it'sworth a read. There are a lot of thoughtful commentsand perspectives.

It got me wondering: what advice would the womenhere give about being approached "in the wild"?
I'm a 50-something guy, introverted and pretty shy. Back in my younger days, especially at college parties (and after a couple of cocktails), striking up a conversation wasn't a big deal.

These days, just thinking about approaching someone ties my stomach in knots. I overanalyze everything andend up convincing myself I'm coming across like Sloth from The Goonies yelling, "Hey, you guys!"

That said, I do get smiles and the occasional "good morning" at coffee shops and grocery stores.

So what's the right approach? Is it acceptable tosimply walk up and say something like, "Good morning. I'm John. Nice tomatoes you picked out there," and see where the conversation goes? Or is there a better way to make a genuine connection without coming across as awkward or intrusive?

I have been seeing a guy for a year now. Im married he’s not. Im feeing he’s not so interested. One week he’s good the other hes flat. He has lots of issues. Together we are fine in person. Effort from him is not great hes very up and down. I wish i didn’t care as much. Ive never done this before. And i don’t know what to do. I hate he has this effect on me.

Ok I’ll cut to it. I’m not super tech savvy. I have an iPhone and running on iOS 26. My wife tracks my location and we have family sharing on. We don’t have Life360.

I’ve tried to install and look into location spoofing solutions and it seems all options are either not safe or too intricate to set up. I am hoping iOS 27 when it comes out, the pause location feature, will show where you paused your location at.

Because of this I think I need to try the burner phone method. But for forwarding, how would I set that up and how would I be able to still receive texts or calls from my wife if there’s a need or emergency? And can I respond with my normal number? Is that even an option?

I work in a city in an open office area and it would potentially be difficult to leave my phone at the office for an hour or two and then return to get it. The company may even be suspicious about me being absent for a couple hours during the day and may think I’m looking for a new job.

Really the only thing that makes a complete difference is if I was able to pause or spoof my location to be at work and then return to normal when needed. But that may be too difficult idk.

How can I make this work?

My AP and I have been "together" for over nine years, and I feel as if the writing is on the wall that it is most likely over for good.

Our conversation abruptly stopped a few weeks ago. I still message; it shows delivered, but no response, which is different from the times we had to step away in the past. There had always been some form of communication. Once we had a text/block for a few months due to a situation at home. This may be a break; time will tell, but my gut says we have ended the series, not the season.

Thank you for letting me share here. As with most of us, we carry all of this alone, and it is nice to lay it down someplace that others can relate.

Looking at the affairs subreddit feels like a form of relapse. Big sigh. Wishing this shit never entered my mind anymore.

I (39F) have been sleeping with my best friend and coworker (41M) whenever we’re on a work trip. We truly are best friends and we’re both very careful not to ruin the life of the other. I never want to lose this and I’d like this to go on until we’re grey. Neither of us are unhappy at home, we’re both just attracted to each other and the sex is absolutely wild. I think about it all the time. I’m bi and my wife (39F) just provides a different energy. Sex is also great with my wife but it’s just a different role.

I don’t think I can fall in love with a man but I definitely have strong feelings and would be devastated to lose him as a friend or lover. Have any of you ever experienced this? Am I doomed?

Hi, so I’m a little new to online relationships, but on Reddit I’ve actually made a few friends irl so i was very confident on the app. This one person ended up reaching out to me after talking on a Reddit post i made about dating. The convos were funny and very on par with my personality but they got romantic and explicit. Never asked for my photos or anything creepy like that but just wanted to talk. I got concerned who i was talking to so he did send a pic without face which was fine. Eventually after 2 days confessed he was married in a db and was looking for something online. I’m 28 he was 30. Online wasn’t an issue for me and I’ve never done online before but we began texting morning to night for 4 days straight and then one day he didn’t msg me at all which was weird for him so i msged him once. Nvr heard back, then 3 days later his account deleted. Im so confused if this is common or was I being played? The convos felt really real even though they were “fantasy” but i felt we had great banter. It’s not like he couldn’t trust me we didn’t exchange private info.

Loss is something we all deal with in this lifestyle. Its never easy to lose someone that you liked, perhaps even loved; if you allowed yourself. That loss slowly gives way to grief. The painful reminder of someone gone too soon.

I arrived at this station called Grief with all my baggage from my last foray against my will. These things seldom take my feelings into consideration. I pondered on my loss, and why is it that I didn't want to leave this place. After all grief cannot be someone's destination its always a place in between. Yet I longed to stay here to hold on to little fragments of my memory about the good times and how they made me feel.

I felt if I left this place and go I will do a dis-service to the feelings I had for the person. The one I loved so dearly, and cherished even more. I thought given how I met with them. This was a very befitting place for my atonement.

A way to metaphorically flog myself for the indiscretion I had committed. I deserved this pain, and I deserved this punishment is what I told myself. The only problem with this logic is that I don't believe in a greater power. So for whose benefit do I commit myself to gallows? My conscience? Or am I believer pretending to be heretical?

I don't know honestly. All I know is that I lost someone, and the pain of that loss cuts deep. I want to cry, and yet my tears don't come. I want to wail, yet I keep quiet. I suffer and in that suffering I look to find meaning. When there is none to be found.

Look after yourself heart broken peeps. Living is hard.

I've recently had a change in outlook that has really helped me deal with my situation. My situation is fairly unique, but I've come to see things differently and I hope my new point of view might be helpful to others on this sub.

First, my situation: I was married for 35 years, and the last 10-15 were pretty bad. My husband was emotionally abusive, constantly belittling me, and gaslighting me. Dead bedroom for the last ten years. But he had a long term illness and I felt that it was my duty to stay with him, and as it progressed, to assist him more and more. Divorce was never on the table.

But I was deeply depressed. I felt that I was disappearing, and that I would never know love again. My sex drive completely tanked, and I had almost no desire for years.

And then I met a man who became first a close friend. It progressed to an emotional affair over six months and then became physical. I love him with my whole heart, and honestly it gave me strength to tolerate my husband's abuse, knowing that I was in fact lovable.

My AP is married, and says his marriage was bad, that he also felt unseen. He says his wife knows about us, but I think that's only partially true. She knows we're friends, and knows he hangs out with me a lot, but I don't think she knows the extent. He says she never asks for more information, even when she knows he's been with me for hours. I am also acquainted with her and have been at social events with the two of them (which is honestly tough for me sometimes). She is cordial to me, but we're not especially friends.

During the first year or so of our affair I felt a sense of desperation, that my AP was a lifeline that was saving me. It was what I needed, but it also opened up my eyes to exactly how terrible my life was with my husband. (And it turned out that my sex drive wasn't extinct after all - it came roaring back!)

Then, late last year my husband unexpectedly passed away. It was related to his illness, but we hadn't expected him to pass at this point. (His illness, which I'd prefer not to mention for privacy reasons, generally lasts for quite a few years but eventually probably would have killed him.)

I've been processing how I feel about my husband's death for the last six months. I'm very conflicted. I feel bad that he died unexpectedly, but I also feel a sense of freedom, which makes me feel a bit guilty. I will hopefully live another 20 or so years, and now I get to live the life I was missing out on.

The thing that surprised me, was that I've also had a shift in how I feel about my AP. I still love him tremendously, but I'm not expecting him to "save" me. I value the time he spends with me, and I love being with him. But if he can't meet up for some reason it no longer sends me into a spiral.

And even more important is that I've made the mental shift that if at some point he decides to focus on his marriage (or if his wife finally tells him to knock it off) I know that it will hurt but I'll be okay.

I've also mentioned to him that at some point in the future I may want to have a relationship that is more complete, that I'd like to have someone who would be a companion that I could go places with. I would like that to be him, but if it's not then I would probably start looking to date other people.

This mental shift has really helped me deal with the situation. I'm no longer desperately looking for a savior, but am now looking at the relationship with AP with more parity. I'm very happy with him now, but if in the future he no longer can be the partner I want, we will part ways.

I realize my situation is unlike most people here, but I think that changing your mental landscape can be done in a lot of situations, and I hope others here find that perspective shift helpful. I think once you really understand that being with your AP is just one of many options, it gives you strength to figure out what you want, and act accordingly.

Just my humble opinion!

Burner account for posting. I feel like I see so much negativity on here but this community helped me so much. IM HERE TO SAY IT CAN HAPPEN!!! Be patient my friends.
I met my AP here on Reddit- MM for a MW. We’ve been together three months. It’s one of the best things to happen to me in my recent years. We are both in our early 40s. We both have young kids. Less than stellar home lives, but not dead bedrooms. She’s an amazing woman, sex is mind blowing incredible. It’s a balance. She is well aware that nothing can change and she’s OK with that. We can only see each other about once a month sometimes every so many weeks if we’re lucky but talking to her, feeling a woman’s pure honesty is beautiful. We talk about our spouses, our kids, our days, sex, play whatever. Nothing is off-limits. The distance can be a thing but here I am.

I think if you wait long enough, it can happen. Don’t rush into things, be a friend to her first that’s what I did and you can find a diamond.

Holy crap, why did no one tell me that this was a thing? Instead of being "heartbroken" after my one and only AP, I could've been going out and having fun!

I decided to scope out hotel bars recently and was successful 2 out of 3 times (not bad). I suppose it's easier as a MW to find a MM to hookup with for the night. The topic of being married inevitably comes up but it isn't a showstopper (/s shock!)

I feel so sexually powerful as a woman and desired - definitely my new game plan from now on 🤭 I'm waiting two long, dreadful weeks for my next opportunity to go out.

I know a lot of people here have long standing affairs, but this works for me because of OPSEC. And I can only go out and hoe out when my partner is on extended work trips, which doesn't lend well to an ongoing affair. I also don't go on any work trips so I can't get away myself - c'est la vie!

Anyone else here do this? Would love to know cuz it seems like the 2% sort of situation in this subreddit.

Looking for perspective from people who’ve been in this situation.

I’ve known a man—who I’ve been viewing for the last 8 months as a pAP—for almost 10 years. I’m 28, he’s 53, and he was once my boss and has been a great mentor. Over the past 5 years we’ve become closer. We text regularly, grab drinks, and there’s been an underlying flirtation—always subtle enough that either of us could have passed it off as playful banter if needed. He has made a few more direct passes over the years, but again very respectfully and not during times when I was an immediate “yes”, so neither of us really engaged further.

Recently, I decided to be more direct over text, saying we should spend part of the weekend together as my family is out of town for a few days. I made it clear I was interested—I even eventually sent a nude. He didn’t react negatively or shame me, but when I suggested getting together, he said things like:

“Not a good idea.” and “I make enough bad decisions.”

When I asked if I was the bad decision, he immediately said, “Absolutely not.”

When I asked why it wasn’t a good idea, he never answered.

The conversation stayed warm, but he hasn’t revisited the topic.

I’m not looking for advice on how to convince him. My question is for those who’ve been in his position:

Have you ever turned down someone you were genuinely attracted to because the situation felt too risky? Or is “it’s not a good idea” usually just a gentler way of saying “I’m not interested”?

I’m curious what was going through your mind in that moment.

I found the sub slash Affairs and also a regional sub and wanting to post because seems like people actually do connect there. However ashamed to admit it, I feel incredibly insecure. Reading some of the posts and comments, it seems as if it’s harder for women to find men after a certain age because men of all ages look for asymptotically close to 10. I’m 38 and have a preschooler. I used to be smoking hot, silk hair, beautiful eyes, full lips, and slim and fit but I’m 20lb heavier after having a child (140 now) and have a cushion where a 6 pack used to be. sometimes I look in the mirror and still find what I see attractive but also... haven‘t been intimate with my SO for several years now and it does impacts my self esteem. I’ve even considered paid services because of recurring sex dreams but find it risky and unfulfilling, not that I’ve tried. Not sure what I’m expecting to hear. “Go to gym” is valid but also lack of sleep, early perimenopause and prediabetes that I’m getting diagnosed and managed.

The time has come for me to end my affair. 
We have been together for three years, we met whilst I was married and I have since divorced. 
I am 39 and childfree and he is 62 and married with kids and grandkids. 
Work allows us to travel and we use those opportunities to spend time together and it’s been a great set up for me whilst navigating life post divorce. 
I love living alone, I have wonderful friends and hobbies that keep me busy however I feel like I am now ready to meet someone who can offer me more. 
Also my MM is taking early retirement in a few months, which means the work trips will stop and it will make it more difficult for us to spend time together. 
We have both acknowledged that we have very deep feelings for one another whilst also recognising that this can never be more than it is. 
I don’t know much about his marriage, he rarely mentions his SO however I have just found out that he’s in Europe on an anniversary trip that he didn’t mention at all when we were together a few days ago. 
I understand that he doesn’t have to tell me anything and his marriage is none of my business however it has brought out feelings of guilt and shame in me and I am asking myself why am I engaging with him whilst he is away celebrating his anniversary, and also when I mentioned a few days ago that I am going to be looking to date soon he got very uncomfortable talking about it - all of this combined has just made me come to the realisation that this needs to end. 

I’be been thinking about this a lot lately. I’m not really talking about comparing who is “better,” my husband or my AP. It’s more about the emotional side of it. I catch myself comparing how I feel in each relationship and what each one gives me.

One thing that’s been hard is realizing that my AP has brought out parts of me I didn’t even realize I’d been suppressing. He makes me feel seen, understood, desired, and emotionally safe in ways I didn’t realize I’d been missing. I don’t know if I would have recognized how emotionally starved I felt if someone hadn’t shown me something different.

At the same time, that’s what makes the jealousy so much harder. I know the reality of the situation. We’re both married. We both have families. Neither of us can have all of the other person.

It hurts knowing I only get pieces of him. I don’t get the everyday life, the quiet moments, the holidays, or all the little things that come with sharing a life with someone. Sometimes I wonder if that’s just the price of loving someone in this situation.

For those of you who’ve been in long-term affairs, does that feeling ever get easier? Do you stop comparing your marriage to what you’ve experienced with your AP? How do you deal with the jealousy of knowing you’ll never fully have them?

My Most Recent Attempt(MRA) is finally dead in the water.

MRA was wishy washy, hot and cold and finally just dead.

Ultimately I became a booty call even though I was initially looking for an AP. And surprisingly, I was ok with that. What I needed to feel safe in something like that was getting to know a person so I knew they were safe and sane. And we did that part before the expectation shifted.

And I did get into this because I wanted to have sex, so managing my expectations seemed like a smart compromise since I actually liked this person, and I know what it’s like trying to find someone.

Alas, I think I was strung along and lied to the entire time. I definitely thought I was smarter than this at the ripe old age of “closer to death.”

It’s been years of similar situations and never finding someone long term or serious. And I’m just tired of it. I’ve done the apps and in the wild and I just don’t think it’s for me anymore. High libido be damned, I think it’s time to hang it up.

My marriage is the deadest dead bedroom. Time of death- 11 years ago. So there is zero hope of resurrection there.

If you were faced with no more sex for the rest of your life how would you survive? Has anyone else ever thought about it? I literally don’t know how to survive something like that, but I can’t hack the men out there these days. Seeking a man to have an affair with is no longer worth my sanity.

So what does one do when sex is no longer in the table?

Another post, and its comments mentioning people having nonjudgmental therapists made me realize I would really love one. Is it allowed here to get information on therapists that are non judgmental? If so, I would love info! No comments/DMs from therapists themselves please. Only referrals. Thank you!

if you are a MP and have an AP that is single. And everything seemed to have been going well, and you guys have gotten clear of any suspicion or getting caught. and you’ve ended your relationship with them, why did you do so? And do you regret it?

The more that I think about the fact I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye, and he just vanished, the more upset I get. I have tried to let it go, but it does make you feel like a terrible person and also that you must’ve really upset someone for them to go to lengths to disappear. And then I know I will never know! Then I get upset that I even let him have any part of me, if it was just a game. Just venting I guess. 🥹

someone please tell me how to get away with this.

i'm sick of having to sneak around and hide my smiles. i want to hear his voice instead of just having to text him. i want to walk down the street with him holding hands instead of acting like he's just a man i happen to know.

just one week. that's all i want. me and AP have been thinking about it for a little while now. just me and him and an airbnb or a hotel, somewhere a couple hours away from our city where no one knows us. he's single so there's no need to lie. i am married and my husband knows all my friends, acquaintances, etc - also i wfh and am self employed, so no work excuse. my husband knows everyone in my life.

i just need one good excuse to get away from him so i can be with AP. we want a whole week together where we don't have to pretend. we can go on dates, have dinner, be in bed all day and my husband won't get in the way. i would settle for even 4/5 days.

please help. AP would book everything on his card, so my husband can't snoop and find out things he doesn't need to know. has anyone pulled off a long-ish trip away?

Currently going through a breakup and I should be grieving but as my affair was winding down, a guy suddenly and randomly got on my radar and well, its been fun to flirt hard AF instead of wallowing about my affair ending.

I'm sure its just deferred pain/grief that I'll have to obviously deal with. I'm sure the reality of a mostly fantastic year long affair ending abruptly will hit me on a random Tuesday when I least expect it but until then, I'm just here rubbing my feet together as I read the sweet nothings this man is texting me......and enjoying texting back sweet nothings to him too since he's getting over someone too.

We'll flirt and distract each other until break up grief catches up with us💃🏾....then we'll move onto the healing and all that responsible adult stuff.

Why do married AP say they are leaving their wife and months later say they can't do it?