{Link at the bottom. Covers my experience grappling with dark thoughts and grief after my first ‘real’ experience with grief. I’d say it’s pretty light for something covering the subjects it does but content warning for death/loss, su\*cide, and su\*cidal thoughts}

Hope this finds you well. I’m currently navigating a very trying time in my life with numerous significant life changes, including my mother’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis. It’s been a lot but I’m getting through it okay so far. It made me think of an essay I wrote a 1-2 years ago during and in reference to another challenging time of my life. I wanted to share it here for anybody who may care to read it or may appreciate anything about it. Open to any types of comments or responses, positive, neutral, or negative. Either way wishing everyone peace and happiness ✌️❤️

Link: https://medium.com/@kyragrace1220/my-superpower-a-personal-essay-184eaec7b7a6

There was a point where I kept setting ambitious targets for myself and then quietly letting them slide. Not dramatically, just the slow drift where you tell yourself you'll get back to it tomorrow and tomorrow keeps moving. The targets were never the problem. The problem was I had zero trust in my own word to myself.

The shift happened when I shrank the commitment down to something almost embarrassingly small. Not a goal, just a boundary I held once. Then again. Then again after that. Nothing changed overnight and I'm not going to pretend it did, but at some point the keeping of the promise started to matter more than whatever the promise was about. That part caught me off guard.

People talk a lot about building habits or finding motivation, but the thing underneath all of it is just whether you believe yourself when you make a commitment. That trust either exists or it doesn't, and the only way to build it is repetition with things small enough that you can actually win.

The size of the thing is almost irrelevant. It's whether you showed up for it.

Curious if anyone else noticed the moment their selftrust shifted, and what actually moved the needle for them.

Hot take but i'll die on this hill. Streaks have made language learning less about being able to learn a foreign language and more about not breaking the streak lol. i studied spanish for 100 days straight, and the main skill i actually built was... remembering to not let the number go to zero.

You do the tiny 2-min lesson to keep the flame alive, feel productive, and log off. 400 days of the illusion of progress. meanwhile someone who studied inconsistently for a month but actually SPOKE to people ran circles around me.

has a streak ever made anyone fluent?

When life feels overwhelming, ambitious plans can create even more pressure. Sometimes progress begins with something very small and repeatable rather than a dramatic transformation.

It could be making the bed, taking a short walk, writing down one priority, contacting one person or completing ten minutes of focused work.

What small habit helped you begin moving forward again, and why do you think it worked when bigger plans did not?

One pattern I’ve noticed in my own life is that I’ll get motivated, work hard for a week or two, not see any meaningful results, get frustrated, and eventually quit. Then a few weeks or months later I’ll get inspired again, start over, and repeat the same cycle.

I think a lot of us are told that hard work pays off, but we’re rarely told what it feels like in the months or years before it pays off. Most goals involve doing the same boring things over and over again with little visible progress.

Whether it’s fitness, learning a skill, building a business, studying, getting a better job, improving your finances, or anything else, I’m curious:

What kept you going when there was no evidence that your efforts were working?

How did you deal with the monotony and repetition?

Did you focus on the process, distract yourself somehow, track progress obsessively, or just rely on discipline?

Were there periods where you genuinely thought it wasn’t going to work?

And finally, what was the moment when you realized all that effort had actually been worth it?

I’m interested in hearing real stories, especially from people
whose success took years rather than weeks or months.

Looking back, what do you think separated the people who eventually made it from those who gave up too early?

I know it probably doesn't look horrible but theres alot of steps here. Unpack suitcase, do at least 3 laundry loads, clean dresser, clean desk, clean fish tank, and i want to move my cubicle organizer so I'd have to move everything off of that too. I will clean my entire room but it ends up back like this again in a month. It frustrates me so bad because in every other aspect of my life, i am extremely neat and tidy

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I just feel like I'm losing with myself as if my mind and feelings are more stronger and driven force. It's like I know I have to face life challenges yet I just feel this defeat and feel somewhat scared to do it. I don't know why I keep giving up and I'm like so soft in life. Meaning like mental and physical sense.

No big speech, no "new me" energy. Just laced up, did a short, embarrassingly easy session, and left. Didn't wait to feel ready or motivated first.

Showing up mediocre beats not showing up at all. Starting over counts as progress too.

If you've been putting something off — this is your sign to just do the small, unimpressive version of it today.

The same quote can feel completely different depending on timing and life experience.

Was there a quote that didn't resonate initially but eventually became meaningful?

I used to exercise - swim and lift weights and hike - four to five days a week.
But I never got my groove back from Covid and work got harder and harder with longer and longer hours. I’m always tired and now I’ve become old with knee pain and shoulder pain.
I don’t know how to get back into a life that is something other than just work.

Quitting my job is not an option - I am sole provider for my family and economy is not treating my sector well.

I know what to do I just can’t find the motivation to do it. How do I start?

There was a point where I stopped doing the thing that used to make me feel most like myself. Not because something dramatic happened. Life just got busy, then the gap got longer, and returning felt weirdly embarrassing, like I'd let too much time pass to pick it back up without feeling like a beginner again.

That gap became its own barrier. The longer I stayed away, the more the absence felt like a statement, like I'd quietly decided I wasn't that person anymore.

What actually got me back wasn't motivation in the classic sense. It was more like I got tired of the version of myself that had slowly replaced the version I actually liked. That sounds a little dramatic written out, but it's the most accurate way to put it.

The first time back was rough. Felt clunky and slow and nothing like how I remembered it feeling. The second time was a little less rough. And somewhere in there the gap stopped mattering.

If you walked away from something that was genuinely yours and you've been sitting on the edge of returning, the reentry is the hardest part. It doesn't stay that hard

So..I have clinical depression and anxiety (though it's not severe; it's subtle but chronic), and one of the things that I have always struggled with is procrastination. And when i mean procrastination, I mean in terms of the smallest tasks, to the biggest tasks.

And one of the things that I recently realized is that I struggle with procrastination (including with things that I used to enjoy doing) precisely because I have always placed expectations on myself or was trying to meet the expectations of other people (imaginary or real but unfair expectations placed on me nonetheless because sometimes people don't understand me).

And sometimes I have to consciously realign/correct my thinking; as in, consciously remind myself that I am doing this (whatever particular task i've set my mind to) BECAUSE I enjoy doing it (or enjoy seeing the results of) and it is NOT a task to rush through but something I can do/engage in leisurely, has helped me get through tasks.

I know it feels like I'm babying or mollycoddling myself but it works like a charm!

I am not sure if this will help anyone but yeah, it works for me.

Been dating this guy for 5 years. We’re in our late 20s now (almost 30). Known him since high school and reconnected in our early 20s. Met each others’ families, got engaged, set our wedding date and chose vendors together. He’s always been there for me (and I tried my best too) and has always been super thoughtful. He was kind and patient when things were good. We’re different people but I thought we meshed well together. 8 months before our wedding date, he completely blindsides me and drops a bombshell that he fell out of love with me, he doesn’t know if I’m the person for him, he’s not sure if I even love him for him (I do) and he starts listing a bunch of things that are “wrong” about me (I’m too quiet at social gatherings, I’m waiting till marriage to do certain things, I’m not stylish, I have too many fam events and am too dependent on my parents, he doesn’t think I appreciate him). The 180 mind boggles me, I don’t recognize this person. Even had a nice proposal with my dream ring.

He also has been saying mean things to me during limbo when we tried to work things out (I was apologizing for things I did that hurt him, I really loved him and went out of my way to make him happy in the best way I knew at the time but I had no idea it wasn’t enough, especially when he would tell me I’m perfect or how he’s grateful to do life with me)… mean things he said include how it feels like the cooties when I touch him, how I’m boring and I should be boring with someone else, how he can’t picture me as his wife and how he couldn’t see me walk down the aisle (all things that hurt to hear). He also disclosed that he cheated on me 2 years ago (kissed a girl from school a few times during the span of a week). He eventually broke things off with me saying he can’t proceed because he doesn’t have feelings. This all came as a shock to me because I had no idea he was falling out of love. I thought we were planning for our happily ever after together. Sometimes I blame myself for the things I could’ve done better (been more appreciative, more patient, more outgoing, more stylish) - he evaluated me and didn’t let me in on his problems. Any insight and opinions would be helpful. I can’t seem to picture myself with anyone else :(

Some discipline advice feels like it only works for a week.

What helped you build something you could actually keep doing when life got busy?

I'm 20 living with my dad and twin brother and we all help out with the bills. My brother is mostly the money maker of the house and in a way I get kinda jealous and it makes me hate myself for that cause he worked hard to get that job. I'm proud of him but at the same time, I resent him for it because my dad and other family members talk highly of him because of the work he put in, sometimes I wish that was me instead of him which just makes me feel like a terrible brother and person in general.

I wanna be someone that I and my family members can be proud of but I'm currently not really moving forward to gain that future for myself. I thought about just going on the same career path as my brother but I feel like I'm just following in his footsteps instead of having my own individuality. So I thought about going to college, but I always end up just getting scared of the thought of it and pushing that thought away. I thought about getting in trades, but I always end up getting scared of the thought of it and pushing it away.

I feel like I'm just too scared to make my decisions and would rather have someone willingly force me to move forward cause Im just too scared to do it on my own. I honestly don't know what I wanna do so I always just push the thought away cause it's easier not to think about it even though I know my dad and brother isnt gonna be there with me forever. Even worse that I'm starting to hate my current job and I think it's negatively affected my mental health, but I'm too scared to quit and find a new job.

Ever since I was little, I've always wanted to sing. Always called my name. Always felt special in that way. Keep in mind, I have many other hobbies, drawing, dancing, editing. But between all of them, was never something I considered. I was told I was good at them, something I should pursue, but never really something that I wanted to. But yet singing, has always stuck. I am not sure why, but any biopic of a singer would (as you can imagine) would heavily inspire me. And ever since I started feeling this way, I've always felt the odd one out in a crowd. Like I wasn't supposed to be there. I was meant for bigger things. I wouldn't be able to communicate this way to my friends, because my friends don't think the way I do. They never thought about that. Something as big as a dream as I did. When I ask them what do they want to do when they grow up, just to maybe see or get somewhere, would be simple answers that I feel I could never relate to others. And at times I would even get sad and disappointed when am at school and would think I am really supposed to be in a studio or something. It sounds ridiculous. I know 😅. I knew that if I went on stage and put myself out there, I would succeed. I always knew I was capable and meant to spread something to this earth. To become one of the greats. To inspire others. To become a huge figure to others. But what's also strange, is how I get embarrassed easily. Heavy on singing. And what's so funny is how I know I don't sing bad. I've been complimented by people (besides my family) about my voice and even post my singing online and people compliment me. So I know am not bad. I think it's just a self-conscious thing and having to do with my confidence, but I don't even know why I get that way. Like when someone asks me to sing for them, I get shy and not want to sing which bums me out deep inside because I really do enjoy singing but there's just a part in me of where, how can I be influential to this earth if I myself can't even sing in front of one person if they ask me to? Especially in front of family. Don't even get me started. And singing onstage really scares me. So it's like, I get embarrassed at the thought of singing in front of people, but then I get these thoughts in my head of pursing it in life and get a professional career off of. So I think it's something much deeper. Almost as if my soul yearns for it. I have no idea. Maybe am going crazy. But am scared to just take a step towards it and am scared as to how that might be holding me back. I am still young and really would do anything to just be in a studio and make music and become someone. Any tips? Any words for motivation? Relatable stories? Anything helps 😅

adaptation is the thing everyone calls resilience from the outside.

you adjusted. you made it work. you found a way to function inside circumstances that weren't what you planned for and you did it quietly and without making it anyone's problem and from the outside that looks like strength and maybe it is.

but there's a version of adaptation that isn't resilience. it's just slow surrender dressed up in the language of being practical. you stopped wanting the thing not because you grew past it but because wanting it and not having it was getting too heavy to carry, so somewhere along the way your wants quietly reshaped themselves around whatever was actually available.

and now you've been living inside that reshaped version long enough that it's started to feel like the original. like this is just what you want. like you're content. and maybe you are, some days genuinely.

but then something small happens. a conversation, a photo, a moment where someone describes a version of a life that sounds like something you used to want before you talked yourself out of wanting it. and something underneath the contentment moves. not dramatically. just a small shift that you notice and then immediately cover back over because what's the point of uncovering it now.

six months ago you described your current life to someone as good, and you meant it, and it is good by most measures. but there was a version of this sentence you didn't say out loud, the one that started with but, and you swallowed it before it finished because it felt ungrateful to say it and easier to leave it where it was.

the but is worth knowing about. not to blow up a life that works. not to chase something reckless because the grass looks different somewhere else.

just to know the difference between genuinely wanting what you have and having quietly talked yourself out of wanting what you actually want.

those two things feel similar from the inside until you stop long enough to check which one is actually running.

Hellooo

I made a vision board for some of my summer goals - hope I can achieve them before September.

I already completed my goal of going camping so didnt add that one!

Scared about starting a family

My anthem is dancing on my own after I heard it in voicemail from Isabelle on Netflix

Music and vision boards pump me up so much!