I just snapped once again and masturbated to porn. And whilst I was in the middle of doing it I came to the kind of horrible realisation of why I think I can't seem to quit and why I always fall back into it.
I think it's simply down to the fact that I haven't found anything that feels quite like it or that can scratch the itch that only porn seems to be able to do. I'm 23 almost 24 and I've been using it for a good 12 13 years and I can't seem to think of something that makes me feel so alive and stimulate me as much. I've never been this explicit and vulnerable but I guess I have to make the most of the anonymity, but nothing hits the same as watching porn. The endless amount of options, taking your time, watching whatever you want and especially wherever you want, I've watched porn and masturbated to it in the absolute worst of places because of how the addiction has a choke hold on me. Public bathrooms, at work, at friend's houses, in the car whilst driving you name it I've done it.
Nothing makes me feels as much as when I give in to this addiction.
I can watch as much motivation videos, try and control my urges as much as possible, try and occupy myself, it always comes back and ends up triumphant in the end I just can't shake it. It gets to a point where whilst I'm doing it, I know it'd a bad thing, I know I shouldn't be doing it but that almost makes me do it even more because I tell myself "you shouldn't be doing it so make the most of the fsct that you're doing it" or even sometimes like this most recent time that has made me write this post, I was keeping in mind a quote that I read the other day about giving in to pleasure, short term pleasure especially is the worst thing you can do yadayadaya I can't remember the exact quote but laing those ligns and even with that in mind, I still continue to do it.
On the flip side things, nothing has made me feel as shit as porn and masturbation. I've lost girlfriends over this genuinely it's fucked, I almost lost my current relationship over it but I promised I'd stop but I can't and I can't bring myself to admit it to her because I feel it deep that she doesn't understand it. It's made me question my life, question what I'm doing, regret my life, made me feel like I'm throwing away my potential, numbing myself because I don't know what else to do and lack a purpose, the list goes on.
I consider myself quite a smart and intelligent guy, I've always been told u think outside the box and seem like a bright young lad, but this ever looming shadow always drags me back and I can't shake it, no matter how bad it makes me feel and how bad I know it is for my brain, my ambitions, my relationships all the rest of it. I can't seem to give it up. Always "one last time", "watch that video that you loved again", "no one will know it's fine", "just do it quick it doesn't count" it's insane I'm in an eternal hell hole of a loop.
No matter how bad I know it is, my urges can't seem to forget how good it feels too. I spend all my time convincing myself this is bad this is bad when I thin kthe real problem is that I'm trying to lie to myself that it isn't good because in reality it feels fucking amazing IN THE MOMENT. In that moment, nothing else matters, in that slight moment I no longer feel anxious about my life or ambitions or worry about my current relationship issues.
All of this to say and I hope someone read all of this it really would mean a lot even though if be surprised if they did lol is to try and admit to myself to stop trying to lie to myself that it's bad bad bad when I know deep down the reason I do it, is because it feels good and maybe that's the key to finally break the cycle, is to admit why I actually do it and then work backwards from there.
Thank you for reading what I have to say, if anyone wants to chat whether someone going through the same thing or someone that has previously gone through it, I'm all ears I feel kind of hopeless in the sense of it feels impossible to break the loop
