24 years old now, coming up on 25

2025 was easily the toughest year of my life. Right off the bat in JAN my girl(at the time) and I made the decision to get an abortion since we were only dating for a few months at the time and it kinda fucked me up mentally knowing I ended a life.

Then I got laid off in February due to shitty economic conditions and lack of work within my industry(luxury product).

I then lost over 20k (over half my networth) to stock options due to bad financial advice from my mentor at the time.

This is when my girl decided to leave me so around March. I was quite devastated so I just pushed on and applied to jobs basically nonstop. Over the course of the next few months, I made it to the final round of 3 dream jobs. I'm talking like 100+ candidates each job. Multiple rounds over month/month and half and I got rejected from every. Single. One. The only feedback being, I don't have enough experience and I'm too young.

Then I got a call that one of my best friends growing up OD'ed.

I was quite distraught and had little motivation going for me at this point but I wasn't going to quit just yet.

Come fall, I went all in on interviewing, fitness and trying to rebuild myself while I worked odd jobs. Low and behold I started getting traction with another job.

Out of nowhere I then found out my grandpa had lung cancer (he raised me), and was struggling.

I remember some night in November he called from his home country just to talk our family, I remember talking to him and talking about how I got into grad school(I did, but nothing major) and how I'm doing great and I'll be on the horse once again with this new job that I felt confident in the final round of interview. He smiled and seemed to be happy for me and relieved I found some path forward.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I was struggling majorly, losing money, my savings getting shredded to the tits and my mental health deteriorating with each passing day. I've also been on a dry spell at this point, so no companionship no comfort. I was back home with family bc I was genuinely losing my shit.

He died that night.

The next day or so, I got a call from the employer and they told me once again....I didn't have enough experience even though they loved my energy.

I decided i needed to go back to my city(5 hrs from home) and start anew once more. My mom wanted me to stay one more day but I told her the weather would be bad. She insisted.

A few hours into my drive, the snow got pretty bad and I couldnt stop in time after a car in front suddenly braked. I braked as hard as I could, screaming in my head oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. Crashed into the back, everyone was okay, but it dawned on me...I just totalled my fucking car.

After going thru the process of getting a friend to come pick me up 2 hrs away and getting home. I broke down. I genuinely broke down. I couldn't continue. I had no more energy, no more fight, no more life to give.

So just like every other genius in life, I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I drank, smoked weed, cigs, ordered take out/fast food with what little savings I had left, played videogames, watched and jerked off to questionable porn, consumed short term content, stopped lifting, stopped going out with friends, stopped applying to jobs, stopped my hobbies, I basically gave up on life.

It felt like a haze. I was so numb. Anything to soften the landing, I felt like a soulless husk with no brain power or will to live. I didn't know where I was going, what to do, perhaps grad school was waiting for me in August and that was my only way out.

This continued on for 2 months. I remember that night of NYE, I didn't even realize it was NYE as I lost concept of time, its still fuzzy to me as I was high/drunk basically 24/7 at that point. I woke up 3 days after NYE and was like oh...it's the new year while Indulged back into my dopamine loops, but eventually in February, I hit a wall. Food didn't taste right, the games weren't fun, the shows weren't entertaining, the porn no longer got me off, weed wasn't getting me high. I exhausted all my dopamine and I hit rock bottom. I remember walking into the mirror, looking at myself for the first time in 2 months, unshaven, overweight, unkept hair, breaking out and a brain smoother than the surface of the a still pond.

I felt pure disgust. I found the person the mirror absolutely revolting and my pride as a human being kicked in. This was not the way things were supposed to be. This is NOT how it ends. I thought about my grandfather, my old best friend and how pathetic I would've looked to them if they saw me in this state, but most of all, I let myself down. The person who supposed to be the most supportive person in my life.

I started with cleaning. I cleaned my room, threw out the months of empty food boxes, alcohol bottoms, cig butts, weed ashes, eveythting. I cleaned my room. I cut my hair, and decided to be sober just that night, I didn't need to do anything, but I needed to be sober. Shit sucked obviously but u gotta start small.

Over the week I slowly got back in the gym as exercise and fitness was the base of discipline, if u can't take care of ur body, how are u going to tackle other areas of ur life(imo). I started going regularly and maintained a decent schedule.

Within a few weeks, come February again a year after I got laid off, I started to apply very aggressively to jobs. Less lucrative positions, no managerial ones, just something to improve my resume in some way even if the pay was meh.

I started getting interviews again. Out of nowhere, my biological father called and offered to help me with the down payment of a new car while my insurance cut me a check from my total loss on a car. I was able to get a new car! Things were looking up. Then.....within exactly one week. I bought a new car, the job I was interviewing for at the time, called me back and gave me an offer, and out of nowhere a girl I met from awhile ago hit me up and asked to come over(yes I got laid after almost a year).

I was stupified. Everything in life changed within one week. I'm still working this job since late March, girl and I no longer talk but whatever, i got about 12k in savings/stocks(ain't much but it's something), and a car, a place to live and food to eat.

What the actual fuck.

Motto is, don't give up. Life can change, even when ur at ur wits end, but u need to be the one to steer urself towards that change. Start small, compound those small wins and take urself further. U will be surprised at the results.

If u made it this far. Sorry for the ramble. I know you might be going through something fucking absolutely horrendous and it feels like there's no light at the tunnel and there straight up might just not be, but you should still try for urself. Life is suffering, everything sucks, it's fine to grieve, take some time for urself to recoup and settle down a bit before you get back on that horse AS LONG as you get back on that fucking horse. Or fuck it....become the horse 🐴 (k reference)

As a wise man once said. "HORSES DONT STOP THEY KEEP GOINGGGG!!!" 🐎

Godspeed everyone. I wish you luck.

When the loudest people do not help you grow, drown out the noise. Not every voice deserves a seat in your mind.