it's crazy, 3 and a half years ago this sub helped me a lot when I was dumped by my ex totally out of the blue with no rationale or information, we spoke for a day or two after but then went full no contact, I've also been the same with every other major ex from my past.

anyway first thing I always do I start dating after a breakup, it's important to add a sense of motion to my life and move on, well it turned out to be the best decision as I recently got married to my wife who I met only about a month after thinking I had totally had my heart broken, my wife who is on a completely different level to those other women.

it's strange I dont miss any of the women from my past at all, but quite often wonder "wtf were they thinking", my wife and I basically have an amazing life with everything you would expect of a happy picturesque life it's almost reassuring that maybe my exes were the crazy ones afterall.

anyway if there's any advice I can give the healthiest thing I did was go complete no contact and resume dating ASAP, ex's are just that and it's scary how quickly they fade once you meet new people.

edit: nvm most of you people are the author's of your own unhappiness and probably deserve it too.

After 1,5 years together my ex broke up with me because we've discussed moving in and he got freaked out by how serious things would be. I accepted it and went no contact. He wrote me a couple of long texts post break up about how it was a very hard decision, how he knows I'll find a great man, how our 1,5 years together were the best of his life etc. Both in our 30s, it was his first serious relationship and I was the first girl he introduced to his family.

6 weeks of no contact were very hard for me, cried non stop for the first month, then slowly accepted the reality. Joined dating apps at 6 weeks mark and luckily met someone amazing from a first date after the break up. We clicked and he felt like a male version of me. So much fun and adventures. After 2 weeks with the new guy (we had 6 dates in 2 weeks), I went on a weekend trip abroad with him and posted on social media... Ex texted me right after he saw it. Saying he wants to talk and work things out, but he noticed I'm seeing someone new. I told the ex that I don't want it, that he broke my heart and new man is healing me, I'm happy.

Now it's been 5 months after the break up and 3 months with the new man. Things are going very well. BUT the ex is still pursuing me!! Showed up at my apartment, saying he made the biggest mistake of his life, wants me to move in and get engaged by the end of the year. I didn't believe him at first but looks like he's seriously regretting the break up.

I'm very torn as 3 months with new bf is still new, I've developed feelings, he makes me feel safe and loved. But of course still have feelings for the ex and that life path seems clear, I'd move in, we get engaged and start a family. New bf also has serious intentions, we spend nearly every day together. Ex also has a better career, while new bf is younger than ex and not earning as much. Finances isn't everything but I'm trying to picture my life with both and I can see it being more stable with ex.

Part of me doesn't know if I could ever trust ex again to not leave me again. He's saying all the right things, how he knows I'm his future wife and we'll have an amazing life together and he realised how important I am etc. Ex also went on a few dates and said that noone compares.

I told new bf that my ex is trying to reconcile as wanted to be honest, he was concerned but I've reassured that it's over. But deep down I'm still torn and just dont know who to choose... Don't want to break new bf's heart and things are so aligned with us. Yet persistent ex makes me feel he's really fighting for me.

An atom is stable until it loses an electron.

The moment it does, it's no longer neutral. It becomes positively charged. It starts searching, reacting, trying to regain what it lost to become stable again.

That's exactly how I feel after losing the woman I loved.

Before she came into my life, I was building myself, my career, my dreams, my future. Then she became part of my orbit. I wasn't trying to complete myself through her, but somewhere along the way, my life started revolving around "us" instead of "me."

When things started falling apart, I did everything I could to keep us together. I communicated, compromised, and fought for the relationship because I believed that's what genuine love meant.

In the process, I slowly stopped investing in myself.

Now she's gone.

And like an atom that's lost an electron, I feel unstable. I keep looking for answers, replaying conversations, wondering if there was something I could've done differently. My mind keeps trying to fill the space she left behind.

But chemistry also teaches something else.

An atom doesn't remain reactive forever. It eventually reaches a new stable state. Not by getting the same electron back, but by adapting to a new reality.

Maybe that's what healing is.

Not getting the person back.

Not pretending they never mattered.

But slowly rebuilding yourself until your stability no longer depends on someone else's presence.

I'm not there yet.

Right now, I'm just an atom that lost an electron, trying to remember what it felt like to be whole on its own.

Has anyone else felt like this after losing someone they genuinely thought they'd spend their life with?

So I don’t know where to start with this, I was speaking to this girl for months, we laughed all the time on the phone met up then she slowly started drifting, at that time I was unemployed I had no hobbies and when I met her I fell in love, this quickly turned into an obsession. For the last weeks she was slowly drifting away from me, then we had a falling out and she said she didn’t love me, and she loved our calls but she felt so bad and didn’t know how to tell me, told me to move on, and she wanted to be young. I then proceeded to beg which got me blocked on snap chat then I completely broke down and I begged, apologised, everything and she said it was too much and blocked me on everything else. I guess I have emotionally matured from this and it’s made me realise I needed to give her space, she also had BPD, I’m also quiting smoking weed. I guess I want to try and get in contact with her on my fitness and wellbeing account but I guess that’s a really bad decision, I guess I wanted to apologise and thank her for helping me see what was wrong with me to move on fully

I'm genuinely curious and would like to hear honest opinions, especially from people who've experienced this.

I've seen so many stories where an ex comes back months or even years later, apologizes, begs for another chance, or realizes they made a mistake. But in my case, that never happened.

Why does that happen for some women but not others? Does it mean those women were more special or harder to replace? Or is it just about the ex's personality and how they handle breakups?

If your ex came back, what do you think made them return? And if they never came back, how did you eventually make peace with that?

I'm not looking for false hope—I just want to understand why experiences are so different from person to person.

The words from her like i dont like you anymore just haunts me i am just with because you font know how to breakup i feel that i lost all my self respect i chased too much i want that self respect back i feel really low can there be a day that she will text me or anything like that can happen where i can get my self respect back i should have left her then and then why did i tried to convince her it just backfired me

Going through a breakup is uniquely bad timing-wise; it doesn't happen on a schedule, and the moments you need something most (11pm, half a bottle of wine in, phone in hand) are exactly when nothing is open. Therapy has a waitlist. Friends are asleep or tired of the same conversation. So I built Ninety: a day-by-day recovery program grounded in actual breakup psychology (the research on why checking your ex's social media makes things worse, why no-contact works, attachment theory stuff), not vibes.

What's actually in it:

A short daily lesson + one small task, not a wall of reading

An AI coach you can talk to any time, including 3am, that adjusts based on your situation (whether they ended it or you did, whether you still have to see them, how anxious vs avoidant you tend to be)

A guided breathing/urge-surfing flow for the moment you want to text them

A "write it and never send it" space so you can say everything you're holding back without it going anywhere

Weekly check-ins so you can actually see if you're improving, not just guessing

You get full access to all of it free for the first 7 days, no card required, so you can actually see if it helps before deciding anything. It's coaching and self-help, not therapy, if you're in crisis, it also has direct hotline links, not a chatbot pretending to be a substitute for a real person.

Built this myself, genuinely want honest feedback, especially on what feels off or missing. Drop a comment or DM me and I'll send you the link, happy to answer anything else too.

I know it’s been said before, but I really think an important part of moving on after I break up is killing all hope. I mean absolutely obliterate it. It’s extremely difficult to move on otherwise. You’ll leave that door slightly open only to be hurt again.

(This post is for myself. I’m finding it super difficult to move on from my first love.)

7y, 30m 30f, blindsided out of the blue because she lost feelings, left suddenly out of our home and spent one month without contact immediately.

I asked for a closure talk after a hellish month of anxiety and therapy. She asked for two more weeks to "process it", even after she initiated the breakup. Went to get my answers from her. She came shaky, crying, hugging me, holding hands. Told me she had realized she lost feelings and slowly detached because she didn't know what she wanted in life. She asked for the whole 2025 for me to ask her in marriage. I made a ring and asked her in October, she said yes. Immediately she started to panic and get anxiety and kept it inside, not even talking to her friends. She never brought it up or communicated, just kept going for six months till she popped and had to leave suddenly. I asked if after a month and a half she had a inkling at what she actually wanted in life. She said she didn't have any idea.

When we were leaving after four hours of conversation, she told me that she's probably going to regret doing this in the future. It's baffling, honestly. She's impulsive and insecure af but I never thought she would discard our life together like this. I told her that our relationship was real good. That if she realized it, she could call me and we could talk.

Three weeks have passed and I'm thinking of reaching out one time, to tell her that I still see a possible future but she has to work for it and want to go to therapy to work on her insecurities. I'm in a better place 2.5 months after BU and I know that I'll be happy either alone or with her. But I'd like to repair our relationship, and live together, if possible. This isn't done in desperation or begging. I know it's a fool's errand but after talking to my therapist, she told me that she actually encourages me to give it a go, for my own peace of mind, knowing I did all I could to still save our relationship. But I don't know what to do.

He unblocked me on ig after a month and only texted me "you are not blocked anymore". I found it really disrespectful so i left him on seen, I didnt want it to affect me in any way, but it did.. Do you think there might be a reason behind it or just a game? In our last conversation he told me that he will block me because its better to never speak again and reach out to each other. And he never blocked me before or me blocking him. We went no contact a few times but never blocking. Im asking all of this even tho i know everything he did was such low effort i shouldnt even think about it, but im still healing. And sadly this got me back into a spiral. And tbh if he really wanted to apologize for his actions i think he would've done it by now, but its been 3 days since his text and he didnt follow up with another explanation. I also think that he expected me to chase him or to say something because i always used to overexplain and truly try to communicate with him..He is also in his late 20s, Im in my early 20s so its surprising to me that he did all of that since he always tried to act more mature than me. I really would've appreciated it more if he just left me alone. And im just so mad at myself that im wasting time thinking if he will ever take accountability for his actions when i should just move on, because even if he did all of this, i dont want to go back to that...i just wanted a decent ending. A clean conversation

Its killing me inside.

he's back with his ex and its not even been 2 weeks.

I feel nauseous. I cant sleep. I'm replaying everything and realising it was all a lie. Meeting my parents. Intimacy. The words.

He 36M started pulling away about 6 weeks in- by then we had already met families, made it official.

I realise now that I was giving much more than he did- time, care, paying for dates, the emotional load... I hate that I didn't pick up on it earlier.

I’m 24 days post-breakup, 22 days since I last saw him in person, and 14 days into no contact after our final logistical text exchange.
(This timeline doesn’t even feel real.)

This has been the most heartbreaking loss of my life. I’ve never experienced this depth of grief, pain, and longing after a relationship ended. 💔

Journaling has helped me organize my thoughts and feelings, and I wanted to share something that has helped me in hopes that it resonates with someone here.

Yesterday I wrote:

“By the end… we were both grasping at straws. The relationship needed to end.

We were two people who loved each other, but had become increasingly incompatible in the way we related to one another.

We were desperately trying to save something that neither of our nervous systems knew how to stabilize anymore.

I felt deeply in love with him the entire relationship, but another truth that existed was the way I would tense up and feel anxious every morning waking up next to him… and that same feeling whenever one of us entered the same room.”

I’ve been trying to accept the end a little more each day, and upon reflecting today, this thought has helped me:

I’m not grieving a place I can go back to.

I realized that the relationship I’m longing to return to… no longer existed by the end.

I’m grieving the version of the relationship where we both felt safe, connected, and hopeful. But that wasn’t where we were anymore.

We hadn’t been there for a long time leading up to the breakup.. 😞

Even if he called today and said, “Let’s try again,” (as much as I WISH for that) I know that I wouldn’t be stepping back into a place of secure attachment.

The pain, exhaustion, tension, and resentment wouldn’t simply disappear.

I’m grieving something that was real, beautiful, and meaningful, but also something that had already changed.

I can’t go back.

So I have to let go.

I know it’s easier said than done.. but this helped me to push through another day and I hope it helps someone else. ❤️‍🩹

How do you feel after? Is dumper's remorse true?

Been a week of no contact seriously fighting the urge to not ring right now

How can someone be so close to you for six years and then suddenly move on with someone else as if nothing ever happened?

Do they really forget everything? The conversations, the memories, the promises, the little moments that meant so much to me? Or do they remember and simply choose not to care?

I can't understand how someone who was once such a huge part of my life can act like I never existed. Even if everything between us was a lie, wouldn't there be at least one moment where they remember me?

How is it possible to move on so quickly? How do you erase someone from your heart in what feels like a single minute?

I'm not asking them to come back. I just want to understand... how is this even possible?

My ex of 4 years, had an affair with a workplace colleague i found out from reading her confession on chat gpt. For months (Late January - end of March) she was gaslighting me and lying to me when I would ask if there was anybody else... she then became very manipulative at the end and push and pulling me.

I asked her to come and collect her stuff from our flat, I put all her things in bags outside our flat and gave her a pick up time. She picked up her stuff, and asked me twice via text if I was keeping the playstation (I brought her for Christmas) I ignored this, she has messaged me this today...

Hi i hope you’re ok. Just wanted to check with what’s going on with the flat? Not had any correspondence about a notice being handed in so assuming you are staying on? So I will need to take myself off the tenancy? Also, I need to collect the rest of my stuff and clothes as stuff is missing. You also didn’t reply to me about the PlayStation, you’d given me that as a gift? I need to drop your Indian clothes and speaker off too. So can we arrange for an exchange or something or if you still don’t want to see me then let me know a day you will be out for me to get my stuff and return the keys to you?

I have messaged the property management and asked them to remove her from the tenancy agreement from next month, I have already changed the lock barrel so she can't let herself in.

Can anyone please give me some advice on the best way to manage this, I want minimal contact with her. Every time I hear from her, my body starts shaking and my heart rate goes so high - its horrible, just want her out of my life now. Some of my friends / sister are saying I should maybe just let her have one last look around the flat, to make life easier.. but I really don't want her in my space ever again.

Thank you all so much!

For context, my ex of three years (20F) dumped me (20M) three months ago because I wasn't doing enough for myself (essentially self-sabotaging for a couple of months) and we broke up with very little drama. I suggested no contact, and neither of us has broken it since. The relationship was mostly great on both ends until the very end, when I started slipping up with myself and showing less effort on dates. I fixed the dating side of things, and we were very happy, but I fixed the relationship before I fixed myself, so she said she couldn't stand to see me not doing my best. We both expressed a wish to date each other again someday in the future, though many couples say that when they break up, so I didn't take it too much to heart.
Over the past three and a half months, I have improved on all the specific gripes she had with me. I got a new job since my old one made me depressed, secured an internship in my major for next summer, am doing better in school, started taking my ADHD medication again, and have been going to therapy to fix my executive dysfunction. I am honestly very proud of my progress, but I still miss her because our relationship was largely positive.
Anyway, she texted me "Happy Birthday" today. Right now, I am wondering if I should try to set up a meeting to catch up, both to display that I’ve changed and to see how she feels about getting back in contact (taking things slow, if she even wants to at all), or if I should just leave it up to the dumper to reach out and do the work. I’d say I’m mostly detached from whatever outcome I get from this, and I just don’t want to live with wondering "What if?" After all, someone won't know your change has been substantial unless they see it with their own eyes. Lmk what yall think tho

Hi Guys

For those who have muttered these words after a devastating break up and have gone on to find someone even better, let me hear your stories.

I’m currently in the thick of it right now. My ex has left me and we share an 18 month old son.

I know we are incompatible and I didn’t even enjoy being in the relationship. It was mildly toxic from both sides..
But now it’s ended and she is moving out.. I look at her as the hottest and most perfect women alive!

This happened not even an hour ago, I'm crying my eyes out and yet I'm proud of myself.

She broke my heart 4 months ago, she said she wasn't ready for a relationship after being with me for 3 months.

Throughout this whole time we keep talking to eachother, sending memes as friends. I pretended it wasn't the case but I always wanted her back.

I've changed too, I've been hitting the gym consistently. Maybe at first to make her jealous and win her back, but now I'm kind of obsessed and doing it for me.

Deep down though I've never felt more depressed. I've been working this whole summer with no time to enjoy myself, and the thought of our relationship appearing in my head everytime she sends me something also doesn't help.

I guess the last straw was when I kept seeing her liking a lot of relationship reels, I guess it was just me she didn't like. So this afternoon I asked her to block me for my own mental health.

She told me that it sucks but she respects my decision. And that I'm a sweet guy and an awesome person and to never forget it.

I'm free, I'll probably never see or talk to her again. But atleast it was my own decision. I hope one day I'm able to meet someone who has as much love to give as I do.

Last year my boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up and I was so heartbroken. The psychological pain that a human beeing can feel is truly extraordinary (read that in a David Attenborough voice).

Although I initiated the break-up, I wanted him back very quickly, but he was not having it.

I pride myself on being a very practical person, so in a matter of a week or two I had gotten all my things from his place, watched a lot of content on no-contact and contacted several therapists (who also did couples therapy) in case my ex changed his mind) to help me get over the breakup and work on myself, because I somehow knew, that something about the relationship was wrong and that it was probably something I did. I of course idealized my former partner and it was my biggest wish to get him back by showing him that I was doing an effort to change things.

Therapy worked-but not in the sense that I originally thought and sorry to disappoint you, we did not get back together. But my therapist (and also some good youtube content) was able to show me the importance of feeling your own feelings and that they are important, something that I had always tried to avoid. I grew up with two pretty immature parents, whose feelings where always more important than mine.

I wanted to be "the adult" in the room, who is capable of dealing with any situation, but this only lead to my feelings bursting out, when I wasn't able to hold them in any longer (for me it was excessive crying). After some time I was able to see, that this relationship was not good for me. Essentially our problem was, that he was a perfectionist and almost impossible to please and that I thought there would be a solution to every problem he found with me. I set myself on fire so much for him, that I didn't know who I was anymore, and that made me really sad and depressed.

Fast forward a year and I have rediscovered who I am and changed a lot of things in my life. I reconnected with a lot of old friends, that I was scared to contact during the relationship because I thought myself not likable and also made some new ones. I got a new job I like better and I also met a new partner, that makes me feel loved, confident and doesn't make me question my self-worth all the time. One thing I have learned to be weary of is the age-gap between partners. When our relationship started, I was in my mid-twenties and he was ten years older than I was. None of his former six relationships had lasted more than two years (which would now be a giant red flag to me) and because I was inexperienced I didn't recognise emotionally immature behaviour like the DARVO-tactic.

Anyway, I am sick in bed today and I remembered, that stories like this helped me a lot, when I was in the first, very painful stages. And I want to add my voice, for those who might need it now: It may not feel like it now, but it will get better. Your whole life is ahead waiting for you to live it.

Hi Ethan, It’s Adam.

I know hearing from me might be unexpected, and I promise this isn’t meant to pressure you into responding. I wasn’t even sure whether my number was blocked. After this, I’ll respect whatever you decide, because I know you probably don’t want to hear from me or talk to me.

There are a few things I never got the chance to say.
My feelings for you were real. Over time, I realized I was falling in love with you. I know I wasn’t always good at expressing how I felt, but it was never because I didn’t care. I was scared, overwhelmed, and trying to figure out how to let someone get that close to me. I’d never experienced that before.

To be completely honest with you, I’ve been on my own since I was sixteen, and I’ve struggled with a lot of things. Some of those were what I was trying to explain to you at the end when everything fell apart. I wasn’t trying to push you away—I was trying to help you understand me. Opening up, trusting someone, and expressing intimacy have always been difficult for me because of the abuse and trauma I’ve lived through, going all the way back to the circumstances of my birth. None of that was your fault, and none of it meant I loved you any less. If anything, it made loving you even more frightening because I had so much to lose.

One thing you never knew is that I was planning to ask you to be my boyfriend the night you came over. I’d already made reservations at a nice restaurant because I wanted to surprise you. I wanted that day to be special, and I wanted to finally tell you how I felt. When you left the next day, I never got the chance. Looking back, that’s part of why I was so insistent on seeing you again and spending more time together. I wanted you to know that you were wanted, and I wanted to make you feel special.
When you agreed to come back around Christmas, I bought everything from your Amazon Christmas registry. I even kept the letter you gave me asking me to be your boyfriend and wrapped everything together because, to me, it meant I was finally ready. I wanted you to know how much you meant to me and how serious I was about us.
The night you came over, after we got into bed together, I told you that I loved you, but you had already fallen asleep before you could hear me. I never got the chance to tell you while you were awake, and I’ve carried that with me ever since.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t missed you these past several months. Losing you has been incredibly hard on me. I miss you, and I wanted you to know that I did love you, and a part of me still does. Ethan, I think I’ll always have love for you, even if it isn’t reciprocated. I hope you know that you were deeply loved by somebody. You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever met, and I hope knowing that brings you some peace.

I know things got weird that week when everything fell apart, but I never once questioned my feelings about you. I just wanted the chance to explain what was going on with me, and I was going to. I never would have abandoned you, and I never could have intentionally hurt you.
The truth is that I was already struggling with a lot long before everything happened between us. Then I became terrified that the person I was falling in love with was going to reject me. I handled that fear poorly, and for my part in how everything unfolded, I am truly sorry. I take responsibility for that.

Even so, what we shared meant a great deal to me. My feelings didn’t disappear overnight. From the first time I saw you at Firestone, I felt something different about you. I never stopped hoping I’d get the chance to explain myself before everything ended.

You hurt me deeply, but despite that, I can’t bring myself to meet you with anything except love. I tried to be angry, but it never lasted. Instead, it felt like I lost someone who was still alive. One of the hardest parts has been knowing I don’t get to hear about your day anymore, make you laugh, or hold you. I never imagined that December would be the last time I’d ever see you.

Everything ended so quickly. I’ve spent a long time wondering what happened. I don’t know if you were scared, if your feelings changed, or if something else was going on. I even wondered whether your mental health played a part like you expressed and if it did, I sincerely hope you’ve been able to find the help and peace you deserve.

I’ve sat with those questions for a long time because everything happened so fast. I never got the chance to tell you that I loved you or that I wanted to be there for you no matter what. I would have accepted the good along with the bad because, to me, you were worth it.
I know you told me you were afraid of being abandoned, and I know there were times when you worried that all I wanted was something sexual. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. I couldn’t keep my hands off you because I was falling in love with you. Later, I realized it wasn’t just attraction anymore—I truly loved you. I didn’t just want your body; I wanted all of you. I wanted your heart, your mind, your laugh, your good days, your bad days, and everything in between.

I need you to know that I was never going to abandon you. I could never hurt you, Ethan, even now. I wasn’t going anywhere. I wanted to stand beside you through whatever life brought us, and I wanted to be yours, and for you to be mine.

I know I’m not perfect. I have my own struggles, and I’ve never pretended otherwise. But one thing I know with certainty is that I never wanted to hurt you, and I never stopped caring about you.

I’m not writing this to ask you to get back together or to change your mind. If you’d ever be willing to have one honest conversation, I’d be grateful for that opportunity. If not, I’ll respect your decision completely.

I also want to apologize for disturbing your peace by reaching out. I know you may not want to hear from me, and after this, I won’t bother you again. I just couldn’t let all this time pass without telling you what I never got the chance to say.

I genuinely did love you, Ethan, and a part of me always will. I think I’m always gonna have love for you, Ethan.
If you still have my number and ever decide you’d like to talk, you can text me. If not, I sincerely wish you nothing but happiness and the best life possible.

Take care of yourself, I love you.

Adam.

​

Why would my ex, who broke up with me, breadcrumb me after breaking her own contact rule?? It set me back in my healing. I didnt block her cause I trusted she wouldnt of reached out again. She asked about some random stupid stuff, it seemed like a total excuse to reach out.

The scary part is what if shes so emotionally removed from the break up she felt like it was appropriate to text me. It was a short time after I told her it hurt me to talk to her and thats when she agreed she wouldnt reach out again.

It's harder for me to move on now when we end things with respect and I love you in the end. It's been a month ever since and yeah I always wanna reach out and tell her i love her, and she still reacts to my posts few days ago. Idk how can I move on, this is so hard and I miss her a lot. And the guilt is still there too.