I’m 68 M and she is 66 F. We are unmarried but have been together for 35 years and I am planning to end it. In our 30s and 40s we raised her child together, had pets, a good sex life, careers, and had lots of fun times. Some fighting and disagreement but life kept us busy and we got along.

In our 50s when our child moved out and our circle of friends got smaller we had more conflict. We were compatible in values and politics but we didn’t get along on lots of day to day stuff. We saw some couples therapists to resolve our differences but nothing stuck. Resentment grew for both of us.

5 years ago we moved across country together. More conflict. We learned how to have vicious angry disagreements and then just resume normal living an hour later without resolution. The fighting has been enough to kill our sex life which was still alive until about 3 years ago.

We are bad housemates. A hundred things. I can't stand how noisy she is, her lack of critical thinking in problem solving, her increasing reliance on me socially (she is introverted and made no friends here), her lack of any kind of filter when she has even a single beer which she has every night. She has a dog that she has not trained and it barks constantly. She has her own list of complaints about me.

20% of the time we are in sync and laughing and having a good time. I don’t hate her. I don't dislike her. I just cant stand living with her anymore. I don’t want to hurt her but I don’t think I can stay. This is going to be life altering for both of us.

I would like to hear from anyone who has ended a long relationship later in life. How did it work out for both of you? What was the hardest part? Are you glad you did it? Were there any surprises? Any suggestion?

I feel like I’m going slightly insane over this.

My boyfriend (23) and I (F23) have been together for a little over a year now. Overall, I absolutely adore him. He’s smart, caring, handsome, I never have to worry about him in social situations and he’s genuinely a great guy. As sad as it sounds, I don’t know if I’ve ever truly been in love with anyone, so I’m not even sure what that feeling is supposed to be like. I am aware that I have a very avoidant attachment to people but I care about him deeply.

One thing is that I don’t find him particularly funny. I know that sounds horrible. He laughs a lot, and we do have fun together, but I’m usually laughing at situations we end up in or when he’s being unintentionally stupid rather than at his actual jokes. If anything, I think I’m probably the funnier one in the relationship.

The bigger issue is that I’m a huge introvert and I really value my alone time. I genuinely enjoy spending time with him, but I also really look forward to going home and having my own space. We commute to and from work together three days a week, so we usually spend those evenings together too. The other two weekdays he works remotely, which means I realistically only get one evening completely to myself each week. By the weekend, I often feel like I haven’t had enough time to mentally recharge. It’s not that I don’t want to see him (I do) but I end up feeling drained because I never seem to get enough time alone.

When I do choose to spend a weekend focusing on my own hobbies (painting, drawing, playing video games), he’ll sometimes complain that I’ve been sitting at my desk all day, don’t want to go out, or should be doing chores instead. The frustrating part is that I often can’t get those chores done when he’s at my place because he mostly sits on his phone and either I feel bad about not giving him attention or he complains that I’m not giving him enough attention. It feels like I’m expected to either entertain him or ignore everything else I need to do.

Essentially, I have one evening after work each week to get all my chores done and try to mentally recharge before the next day, I’ve managed to get the weekends to myself so at least I don’t have to leave my house then. On top of that, I know I need to start working out because I’ve gained some weight, but with so little time to myself, I end up prioritising the hobbies that actually help me unwind. It makes me feel guilty for wanting time alone, and honestly it’s becoming exhausting.

Now for the thing that’s actually driving me crazy.

Lately, he keeps sending me TikToks that are basically along the lines of “come cook my husband’s lunch with me at 5 a.m.” or “things that are the bare minimum every girlfriend should be doing for her boyfriend.” Every single time I see one, I get irrationally angry.

Maybe it’s because we both work full-time. Maybe it’s because we don’t even live together yet, although we’re planning to move in together soon. Whatever the reason, these videos make me feel like he’s trying to push some expectation that I should be taking care of him in a way I have absolutely no interest in doing.

I genuinely don’t think anything he’s done in our entire relationship has irritated me more than these TikToks. And because I’m already feeling drained by the lack of alone time and the comments about how I spend my free time, those videos hit a nerve every single time.

Do you think this is something that can be talked through?

For context him and the girl have a sort of complex history, including sexual intimacy, and he told me earlier in our talking stages that they were not close anymore. Mind you i dont like that girl and i think its a shared feeling here.

Yesterday during some chatting he told me she was gonna come over to keep him company since he hasn't been feeling well, and as a friend, she cares for him.

" she asked about my mom and how she was doing and wanted to come over to keep me company"

May i say this makes me quite uncomfortable especially since i only found out because i asked and not because he thought it could be nice to let me know in advance for transparency.

After my night shift i took an uber to his place to spend the night, like i did the night before. I got there pretty late so i expected the hangout to be over already, knowing that he's already sleeping at this time. Tell me why i see her shoes in the entry when i open the door and imagine my shock when i find them sleeping in his bed! I woke him up to ask wth is going on and he said" oh sorry we just fell asleep " " i didn't know you were coming back here " i was so enraged in the moment, and didn't want to break down i immediately took everything i had there, left his keys and left.

I was waiting for my uber in the lobby shacking like a leaf, expecting that maybe he would come out of the elevator to try to explain what i just saw, but no my guy just went back to bed.

This morning he sent me a text saying : hey , to address this morning, i’m sorry I didn’t expect you to come back to my place. We yapped and fell asleep. I really am sorry about that and especially the way you left. Let me know when I can call you so we talk"

Like ... ?!

This is a HUGE red flag to me, i feel humiliated and disrespected. I dont know where to go from here, he also called to talk and couldnt stop mentioning how " she's just a friend now " , " I'm sorry that my friend cares about me" " we got carried away, and feel asleep " essentially its not that deep .

Oh and i did ask how tf, did you two end up in bed, they were " yapping" in the bed and fell asleep... I'm still processing but waouh...

Ps : she is in a relationship too. And for further context i know she likes him , not just as friend. I cant prove it ofc, its just a feeling i have but since the first time i saw that girl i just knew she would be jealous of what was going on between us. I say this not to blame her but to explain why i won't even trust her to be platonic with him! She jumped at the occasion when he was on break with his previous girlfriend ( which was also her friend )... like wdym ???????

My ex-fiancee and I were together for five years. About two years into our relationship, she came to me and told me that she had a compulsive spending problem and needed help. She had over $10,000 in credit card debt, had not been able to make even the minimum payments for months, and did not have the means to get out of the debt. I had the money and decided to pay it off for her on the condition that she: (1) destroy all the credit cards, and (2) get into therapy to address the issue. She agreed to both.

Until the breakup two months ago, we had been living together since she graduated from college in May 2025. I have a condo, and she moved in. This past fall, she started a Ph.D. program at the college. I paid all the housing costs (mortgage, utilities, maintenance, etc.) and most groceries. I thought things were good for both of us. My ex was receiving a monthly stipend ($1,800/month) for the Ph.D. program and represented to me that she was saving pretty much all of it each month. We do not share finances.

Well, some months back, I went in with some co-workers for World Cup tickets. Were they overpriced? Yes. Was it a wholly unnecessary expense? Yes. But I have been living well below my means and saving big each month so I had the money to spend on the tickets in my "fun" budget. So, I bought a ticket. About a month after making that purchase, my ex asked me to go in half on a stroller for her sister's baby shower. The stroller on her registry was $600. I told my ex that I simply was not willing to spend that much on a baby shower gift for her sister. She came at me about the World Cup tickets. I told her I am permitted to make ridiculous purchases for myself with my money, that in no way requires me to make ridiculous purchases for anyone else. Also, if she has been saving her stipend, she should have more than enough to buy the stroller herself. She then got cagey. After some prying, I found out she was completely broke and had racked up about $6,000 in credit card debt in the time we had been living together. She apologized, but after a couple of days of thinking about it, I told her I think it is best that we end things. She moved in with some of our mutual friends.

I have seen our mutual friends a number of times since the breakup, and every time, I keep trying to get me to reconsider. My ex has texted and apologized more and said she is willing to do anything, including giving me complete control of her money. I do not want that type of relationship at all. I have tried to get my friends to let it go and let me move on. But it is not working so far. Is there anything I can do to get them to move from this? I love these people, and want our friendships to continue, but I also do not want to have to justify a breakup. I am moving on with my life and I think my ex and our mutual friends need to as well.

My girlfriend (21F) and I (26M) recently had an argument, and I’m trying to figure out if I’m missing something.

She started asking me random questions, one of them being what my favorite animals are. I said dogs and cats, but I prefer cats because they’re more independent, private, and they still care in their own way.

She then told me those traits describe another woman she thinks I have feelings for, while dogs describe her because she’s more expressive and outgoing. Her conclusion was that since I chose cats over dogs, it means I prefer the other woman over her and that I’m secretly in love with someone else.

To be clear, I wasn’t thinking about anyone when I answered. I was literally talking about animals.
Now she’s ignoring my calls and texts because she believes my answer confirmed her suspicions.
What frustrates me most is that if she wanted to know whether I had feelings for someone else, I’d rather she had asked me directly instead of asking random questions and interpreting my answers as hidden messages.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling upset about this? Is this just insecurity on her part, or am I overlooking something about how my answer could have been interpreted?

I’d appreciate honest opinions, especially from people who’ve been on either side of a situation like this.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and a half now. We have lived together for just 10 months now - I know it was pretty soon but we both needed somewhere to live and it just worked out like that.

He explained to me at the start of our relationship about his Autism and although I do not have it or know anyone else with it I have tried my hardest to understand and adjust to make our home and relationship a safe space for him.

However, since moving in together he has slowly started saying his autism is stopping him for doing stuff around the house. Here’s a list of things he refuses to do:

-He can’t wash up the plates because the feeling of the sponge on the plate.
-He can’t hoover because of the noise. (He’s okay when i do it around him)
-He can’t take out the bins because the smell is overstimulating.
-He can’t scoop the cat poop because of the smell.
-He can’t hang up the washing because he doesn’t like the feel of wet clothes.
-He can’t cook meals because he doesn’t like the feel of raw meat/veg.
-He can’t wipe the sides because of how a wet cloth feels in his hand. (I’ve offered him gloves he can wear if that’s any better)
-He can’t make his own drink because he doesn’t like the feel of ice but has to have ice in his drink
-He can’t change bed sheets because it becomes too overstimulating for him.

While I have tried my best to be understanding, patient and make adjustments to try make it easier. It’s like he doesn’t even want to try to find ways he can do it. Not only that, he will complain if we both come home and not everything around the house will be done but he will not do anything.

Am I a bad partner for being tired of having to do everything and feeling like this?

Title. Me and my gf had an argument about her straight best guy friend who’s ‘like a brother to her.’ We were laying in my bed and she just out of nowhere said that he told her not to date me and that I’m not a good match for her. Then I said he’s probably saying that because he wants to get in your pants. He’s never even met me. The reason why he’s definitely trying to get rid of me is because everyone else she told about me and that I’ve met in her life likes me. Her family and girl friends do. He’s the only one and she’s listening to his opinion over everyone else’s which is so Fd.

She was drunk but playing with my head during the argument and said she had second thoughts about our relationship and she doesn’t know what she wants anymore but when she mentioned the best guy friend’s opinion later that’s when I realized where that was coming from. Then I said ok we should end this then. Then she begged me to stay and said she did want to continue the relationship and she just kept going back and forth saying she does and doesn’t want it. She said I’m too perfect for her. But she cares about me so much and is only dating me and only wants me. She said he’s never tried to sleep with her and he would never. I highly doubt it.

Well we had a heated argument about the ‘best guy friend’ and she called me gaslighting and manipulative when it’s clear he’s doing that not me. She left my place in the middle of the night then she sent me a text apologizing the next day saying she didn’t want it to end like that and I replied to her acknowledging it and that we should talk in person and she hasn’t responded in over a day. This is the first time she’s not responded to me in a day.

I’m her first relationship and she’s gonna throw away her first bf for nothing. Seriously so Fd.

Why even apologize if she was just gonna not reply to me? I just don’t understand…

***Edit: You guys these responses are incredible and they’re coming so quickly!!!! I appreciate the perspective so much and I feel a lot less crazy now that I’ve had so many people back me up that this was a very strange exchange. Thank you! I will be throwing this one back into the pool!***

Sometimes, when I ask a question that i think has a direct response, he gives disclaimers and additional context that extend the answer so far out that he seems to forget the question I’ve asked.

Example:

Me: can we plan a date for Wednesday? I’m free that night.

Him: well, I’ll tell you what- before I answer that question. I just want you to know that I do think we should have another phone call, but it would be really nice to go out, of course, that sounds great, but I think the reason why we should have another phone call is because we’ve only been on the phone for about an hour and I was hoping that we could talk for longer and now I feel rushed so I wanna make sure that when we talk later, I don’t feel so rushed. So if it’s possible for you to do a phone call sometime again tonight of tomorrow, then I think that would make me feel a lot better.

Me: yeah I’m free after I get the kids to bed. Can we go ahead and schedule a date while we’re also scheduling this phone call though?

Response: Yeah, that’s exactly what I said. Why are you asking me this again?

How do I express that this feels like it’s harder than it should be, but like, super kindly? This kind of thing will happen several times in one call.

I can’t help but notice patterns. If 1 or 2 of these were isolated events, I probably wouldn’t think twice, but pieced together, it feels like behavior and a reflection of how he views me rather than just a few one-off occurrences. I feel like I’m finally connecting dots after about a year and a half together, and I’m wondering if I’m seeing this clearly or if I’m just being overly sensitive.

A recurring feeling I have is that whenever there’s an opportunity to either consider my feelings or prove his point, it feels like my bf chooses proving his point, sometimes even doubling down on what he said/believes.

For example, I graduated from college, and I am proud of that as much as anyone else. I didn’t have any support from my parent, so I worked my ass off to get into an honors program and graduate debt-free. I don’t mention that to brag, and I don’t consider it something that largely defines me, it’s just context.
When thrifting recently, we saw some old merchandise from my university before it changed names, and he joked, “It’s almost like your diploma isn’t valid anymore.” On its own, it’s just a joke, but this is the second or third time he’s made this kind of comment that feels invalidating of my education. I rarely speak about college, he’s the one who found and pointed out the merch, so I’m not sure what to attribute these digs to. The only time my college experience is ever mentioned between us is when he makes these comments. He barely graduated high school (his words) and he never went to college. I’ve never viewed that as an issue with our relationship or him as a person, but I’m not sure he feels the same.

Another example is that I like sharing how my brain works or random thoughts I have, information I come across. I don’t expect him to agree with everything I think, but almost every conversation turns into him explaining why my thinking is wrong, debating me, or correcting something I said. Even something as simple as me using the wrong word (“grifter” instead of “scalper” LOL) became something he brought up multiple times afterward, and led him to saying “maybe you should read a book.”
Or if I bring up something I read online, like studies suggesting marijuana may affect fertility, the conversation quickly becomes him insisting I’m wrong instead of ever considering new information. He’s a “weed user” so maybe he just got defensive, but he has confidently stated misinformation about other things before and instead of challenging his own thinking, he just doubles down.

I used to be a really bad hypochondriac. One of my parents passed away from a sudden unexplained illness when I was really young. He knows this, and I still occasionally get too aware of mortality. I don’t go to him with a majority of these problems because I know it’s something I have to work on within myself. He says that’s manipulative and that I should be able to talk with him through the hard things when I’m feeling down. However, when I do mention a fear, like being anxious about mortality, he’ll immediately tell me why he isn’t afraid of death instead of just letting me express how I’m feeling. It doesn’t feel helpful or like he’s trying to be helpful either, my feelings are just a conversation opener for him to speak about how he feels.
There are lots of little examples like that. None of them individually seem huge, but together they leave me feeling like every vulnerable conversation becomes me vs him instead of two people just sharing their thoughts and feelings with each other.

The frustrating part is that if I start disengaging from conversations because I don’t want to debate, he sees that as me shutting down and says I’m being “manipulative by withholding information.” From my perspective, I’m just exhausted. I don’t want to “win.” I want to feel understood or at least heard.
I don’t expect my partner to agree with me all the time. I’ve mentioned the debating to him before and all he had to say was “I didn’t know you wanted a ‘yes’ man.” I just want to feel like my feelings are treated as something worth understanding instead of something to argue against. He always gets the last word because I simply do not care to win.

Am I reading too much into this?

TLDR: My boyfriend consistently responds to my thoughts and feelings by debating, correcting, or doubling down instead of trying to understand me. I feel unheard and emotionally exhausted. Am I being too sensitive?

TLDR: My boyfriend wants to reach a point where we can openly comment on finding others attractive without it affecting us. He called my discomfort immature and a trauma response, but later offered to respect my boundaries. When I said I didn't want to reach that level of openness he said that was concerning that I'd be "choosing" to be triggered.

Hi! For context, my BF and I have been together for around 6 months. My boyfriend has been exploring mindful communication and has a personal goal of becoming so emotionally secure that attraction to others shouldn't affect him. He said It's ok to feel hurt initially and to explore that but he wants to feel secure enough for it to not to trigger him. He's very self aware about not being there yet. He believes it's valuable to look inward when something triggers you - to ask whether it's about the present situation or rooted in past experiences and not necessarily pinning it on him.

When I told him I didn't want to hear him comment on other women's appearances in front of me, as he did this previously, he said that it was quite immature, a sign of control, and likely a trauma response from past relationships. He believes that noticing and expressing attraction is just honesty - and that me not wanting to hear it or reciprocate it is a form of dishonesty and lying. The thing is, I don't want to be commenting about other guys and I never will, as personally I find that disrespectful.
He wants to be able to feel like he can express himself freely and vice versa. I've made it clear that I am not silly, of course he would find others attractive - but does he really need to tell me? He thinks yes, because it's him being honest and that I'm not taking accountability of my feelings (insecurity, jealousy) due to past relationships.

After a break in the conversation he was more accommodating and apologised for not making me feel heard. He said that even after looking inward, if something still doesn't sit right I can share that as a boundary and he'll respect it. He also asked whether I'd want to reach a point where these things wouldn't trigger me - not claiming he's there himself, but saying it's his personal goal. When I said I didn't want to reach that point, he said that was concerning - that I'd essentially be choosing to be triggered, and why would anyone choose that? I struggle to communicate my thoughts and feelings some times - but to me, this just feels "normal" in a relationship - I just want to feel secure. But it's not to say he doesn't make me feel secure or feel beautiful - he very well does and I know he really does love me but his openness makes me feel uncomfortable and these feelings are hard to navigate.

He then started asking very specifically what he could or couldn't comment on other women -eyes, hair, tits, legs etc to understand exactly where my boundaries were. It felt a bit comical to me as it didn't seem sincere. He said he was genuinely trying to be accommodating but felt like nothing he did was good enough and got pretty frustrated that I felt uncomfortable.

For context, there have been a few other instances where I've felt like he has a different opinion to me - feels like we have different views of what feels respectful/accepted in a relationship.
And since talking about it, he has been feeling quite upset and frustrated as he feels he has tried to be accommodating and says that this isn't a huge obstacle in the grand scheme of things. Fair enough - but I also fear that this level of openness will extend and start to challenge other areas of our relationship.

I'm genuinely unsure. Is wanting to not hear that kind of thing valid on its own? And is his goal of total openness about attraction something others have navigated successfully? I hope I have been clear, would like to hear your thoughts.

EDIT: I wanted to add as a few people are saying to scomment on other guys in front of him to see how he'd like that. He recognises that he isn't at that stage where he wants to be, so ofc he would feel insecure and hurt, and all the same feelings I'm feeling but the goal is to not let it get to the point where he feels triggered by it

EDIT 2: When I say commenting on other women, I mean, saying she's pretty, hot, complimenting features etc.

___

EDIT 3:

Thank you so much for all your comments, I've read every one and there is clearly a lot to digest but I also feel validated(?)

I guess the main takeaway is that there are a few people who have commented who have that dynamic my BF wants and that it's *okay* if I don't want that and that it doesn't mean my feelings are invalid or wrong, or silly, or bad. (This is something I struggle with a lot - second guessing feelings and emotions)

The problem is, he is forcing me into a dynamic that I do not want (like the CrankySoutherner said) and is really manifesting this type of relationship. Because he ultimately feels that these feelings of insecurity should be explored and not pinned on him. - "He didn't make me feel insecure/hurt" He thinks I'm dictating/controlling what he can say and he has to dance around my boundaries - "Wouldn't it be great if we could all let go off our triggers?"

Anyway... a lot of you have pointed out that this is therapy jargon and him weaponising therapy terms to justify his goal which is manipulative.

Ex (32m) and I (33f) broke up 3 months ago he ghosted and abandoned our lease . When we broke up he asked me to get rid of his card from the Wi-Fi so I said okay ( mind you he had the account information I was just signed in ) so I ended add my card to default thinking everything was fine, the account he made was using the company I use for my phone line .

Last week(a week after his bday, I didn’t say anything to him) he emailed me “I need you to change the billing for the WiFi, I have been paying for it since April. You told Me you would change it”. I ended up calling the Wi-Fi company today cause I was confused why he was getting charged since I added my card .

They then explained that only he could make changes to the account since the Wi-Fi was under his name and that he needed to contact them and the reason why it didn’t work when I added my card is because of that . I am so stressed out now because I have to handle his logistics for him . Should I respond or let him figure it out hisself?

**Also just wanted to add I did order myself a new router today after the company told me that the account was under his name

* update * just picked up my router from the store and doubled checked and was told my card nor information is intertwined with his account . Thanks everyone !!

Firstly, I apologize for the long post. I read it and rewrote it many times now (English is not my native language) and couldn't make it any shorter. I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (23M) for almost two years. Maybe because I'm a bit older, I sometimes find his posture in life immature regarding self-awareness and both shared and individual responsability. Basically, I have to be the "commander" in this relationship when it comes to functioning, planning and taking action because he simply won't have the initiative unless when told to. Lately, I've been getting tired of this because no matter how many times I ask him to "grow up" (I never actually used this expression when talking to him), he simply apologizes and promises to do better, and then procedes to repeat the same thing. I'm talking about his personal hygiene, food safety, medical treatments (that he doesn't follow or is inconsistent with), self care routine and appearance and, recently, situations that put the people around him other at risk because of his laziness and tendency to underestimate everything, no matter how serious.

He recently moved apartments. On the first day, one of his roomates asked him if the landlord told him about the bedbugs, claiming that the previous tenant complained and the landlord relentlessly ignored and ommited from my bf. Sadly, he had nowhere else to stay that week so I urged him to lookup the internet and read how to take precautions and protect his stuff (clothes, books, eletronics) in sealed bags, to not leave stuff on the floor, scrutinize the mattress, furniture and every inch in the room. But he thought it was no big deal and underestimated it, because serious things are "too much work". Long story short: he put his clothes in the wardrobe, sheets on the bed, bags and cases and shoes on the floor and proceeded to live his life like it was nothing. No matter how much I stressed HOW SERIOUS a bedbug infestation is, he paid no mind. So I asked him to prepare a bag of safe clothing (washed on hot, heat dried) and items and to come sleep and my place in the meantime. He stripped at the door and took of his shoes and went straight to the shower and I scanned and heat dried all of his belongings again, just in case...

First week went fine, no sign of bugs and all seemed safe, so I thought. He then had to go back there to grab something he forgot and when he came back, he brought his gym bag and dropped it on the floor and did not take his shoes off. I got mad and he apologized, as usual. The next morning, I found odd tiny red dots on his torso and asked about it, but he said it was just a "rash". The morning after he was full of tiny trails of bites and in denial, saying that he developed an allergy to his shower gel. I was not bitten, though. I did not waste more time and lifted the mattress of my bed. One large, well fed bedbug, and a small one hidden under the bed base. I panicked. I turned my whole room upside down, shoved a my belonging into sealed bags, vacuum cleaned everything, washed and heat dried at max temp all I could, scanned all hooks and crannies with eagle eyes. It was 9AM and I only stopped at 3AM the next day. I was crying and only then he understood what he had done. I struggled really hard to be able to rent the room, I've been here for two years and now I'm at risk of infestation. All it took was dropping the gym bag on the floor and not taking off his shoes. It's been three days now, I'm changing sheets and scrutinizing the mattress daily, but found nothing and I can't sleep. None of us got bitten, either. I already bought a bedbug case for my mattress and pesticide. And I had a very serious talk with him.

Because the bedbug situation is not an isolated case, it was merely the culmination of a series of events that reveal the kind of person he is. My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADHD in his teens and never followed any treatment. He started medication but stopped after finishing the first box because it was "too expensive" and because "he felt no difference". Additionally, he never tried therapy nor training to handle his ADHD. So, overall, he struggles with executive functioning and, despite knowing it, he does not act on the matter, not even when I encourage him.

It was only after we started dating that some things in his life started changing. For example, he visited a dentist for the first time in seven years after I "told" him to (and he has insurance). He only started handling his dandruff after I offered him a proper shampoo. He only cuts his fingernails or toenails when I urge him to, no matter how long they are. Recently he started a minoxidil routine but he only sticks to it when I'm present because he keeps forgetting. He does not brush his teeth in the morning and he even confessed once that he sometimes goes to sleep without brushing. He only shaves when everyone around him (not only me) starts pointing it out. He only puts on deodorant when I remind him. He is willing to cook and eat rotten and decaying meat because he can'te be bothered with fresh groceries or defrosting food. Once he even got sick with gastritis and I STILL HAD TO TELL HIM TO GO SEE A DOCTOR. The doc prescribed antibiotics to be taken on a strict schedule and he would skip pills like it was no big deal. He even went travelling with an expired passport and ran into a series of problems.

I care for my boyfriend and I really want to help him but this is tiring. I'm not his mom, nor caretaker. I don't have to remind him to brush his teeth and cut his nails and stick to his treatment routines. I'm far from perfect, I have plenty of flaws too, but I'm always, always, always reminding him to be mindful and he keeps apologizing for being forgetful and naïve but he never tried to change. The bedbug situation was bad luck too, it's not his fault the landlord lied to him. Even if he had been super cautious, he could still have accidentally brought a bug back with him, but he is at fault for not giving a single f*ck about trying to careful. I may be at fault as well for not being paranoid enough, but I couldn't handle the thought of letting him stay in a room in those conditions and I tried my best to receive him safely. He says he feels very guilty for all of this and is offering to compensate me. I know I can't change him, I can't "fix" him to become a functioning adult. Maybe I'm being pessimistic, but if this happened once with bedbugs, it is likely to happen in the future with other serious matters like personal finances and legal matters and I don't want that to ruin our relationship.

The thing is: I love him, but I'm also deeply frustrated to the point of feeling anguish and resentment. Am I being too hard on him? Is this really all because of his ADHD, or are some of these actual character flaws?

I've been feeling emotional and anxious lately and my head is spinning with too many negative thoughts, I could really use some insight. Thanks in advance and, again, sorry for the long post.

I made a post on here a week ago I believe now about my boyfriend (30M) and how he wants to see some changes in me (29F) before getting married. Well…I have an update.

He broke up with me.

I brought forward a bunch of feelings and emotions about how he doesn’t show me affection again and he said he’s thought more about it and he thinks that because we don’t have any “deep intense bonds” over any of our interests he feels he has a void inside him. And even thought he can see and appreciate my efforts to participate and even enjoy these shared interests, because I’m not on the same level as him, it’s a problem.

He says that he thinks it’s best to end the relationship because even though he believes I could get to his level and at that point, he doesn’t want to keep treating me the way he is (which is odd to me because if he loves me wouldn’t he want to support me and grow with me during this journey?). I feel so heartbroken because it feels like he’s giving up on me and us. I just don’t get how that’s a real reason… he says we just don’t understand each other because I don’t have the years of prior experience he has in theses areas (fitness, reading/personal development, spirituality). The thing is, I genuinely enjoy these things too but I just started getting into it later….is it reasonable to break it off when everything else is great (which is he said) over this? Especially when he thinks I’ll even get to a point where we’ll be on the same level…

I know deep down it’s probably for the best because I think if that’s what you’re using to measure what traits will bring u a deep long lasting relationship then I guess we are different. I would have thought loyalty, love, compassion and patience would have been more important…

What kills me is him saying he believes I’ll get to that point but doesn’t want to neglect me while I’m doing it…because he’s saying well we’ve tried just waiting and we’ve been together 2.5 years and nothings really changed and I’m just like yeah because instead of being supportive you’re being resentful… is that reasonable? I genuinely didn’t think this would be a real reason for breaking up… especially when he continues to say he wanted it to work but just needs that connection.

He also had said he’s felt that connection before with other women but not everything else that he’s felt for me so that’s why it didn’t work out with the other women. But it’s like ok…are you looking for this perfect girl? Because it sounds like either way you’re not happy…

Anyway, we broke up and I’m devastated. Maybe it was for the best but it sure doesn’t feel like it.

TLDR: he broke up with me because he didn’t feel we had any deep connections over shared interests because of lack of prior experience on my end and didn’t want to continue nagging me

This is kinda a throwaway because I am on Reddit semi often and I’m sorry if the formatting is weird because I’m typing on my phone and this might be a little lengthy but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. I’m also not sure If I’m doing this right because the rules confused me a bit.

Tl:dr : I’m no contact with my dad and my mom and him (divorced) have been talking and she thinks I should forgive him now because after 2yrs he feels he is ready to take accountability in order for me to bring him back to mine and my kids lives.

So I have been no contact with my dad for about 2yrs now. The main reason I went no contact with him was because after having a very hard and painful conversation with my mother. I had the harsh realization that I just simply can’t forgive him for all the pain and sadness my dad put us through without him acknowledging that he did those things and apologizing now for those actions. When I called him to talk to him and kinda bring them up and see if he would take accountability I was just met with a lot of excuses as to why he did them and defensiveness. The conversation turned a little heated when I started bringing up my feelings and how I felt living through all the experiences he put us through and I screamed at him that unless he tells me sorry for what he did I will no longer speak to him.
It was radio silence for a couple of weeks and during that time he spoke with my mom.

For context my parents divorced when I was 15 and it was so messy and I can’t put into words how awful my dad was to me and my siblings and mother and the horrible things he put us through without this being a whole 5 page thesis on narcissism and probably undiagnosed mental illnesses. The reason he contacted my mom is because he still pays child support and because although she dislikes my dad she for some reason still tries to maintain a bridge for us to have him in our life, which is a whole other thing. He was telling her I was being unreasonable and he wasn’t going to say sorry for the things he did in the past even though he knows some of them weren’t right. When my mom told me this I put my foot down and decided to follow through. At the time I was about 3months pregnant with my 2nd and my son was so little and because my dad saw us so little I didn’t think cutting off the connection cold Turkey would be an issue ( it wasn’t and I’m glad it went smoothly).

I cut my dad off and he was no longer allowed at my home or allowed to see my son and my future child. Another thing that made my decision so easy was because at this point I was seeing him still slip into habits I grew up seeing him in that now my own son was seeing and it broke my heart. I couldn’t allow to let my son feel and see the same things I had too when I was younger. My dad was stubborn for a long time and at some point was so bitter of the situation he was telling other members of our extended family of how “ terrible” I was being and that he couldn’t understand how I could do this to him. It hurt my feelings that he would lie about my character like that but I remained strong.

To fast forward about a year into my no contact it seemed my siblings had felt the same and my sister as well went no contact after they had an argument ( unfortunately pertaining about me and our no contact) and the only child who was “ willing “ to keep contact was my brother. It just solidified my reasonings to stay no contact cause to hear my little sister be upset about their conversation broke me into pieces especially as she was trying to defend me and why I’m allowed to feel the way I feel. He was once again stubborn but slowly felt defeated and lonely. Many conversations were had with my mom about why I felt the way I felt and he did as well with my mother.

Finally cut to now and of course my mother throughout all of this has been playing the middle man. On one side she feels bad for my dad because although he treated her the worst their whole marriage she is such a kind person and has moved on that she chooses to not hold a grudge. On the other she understands why I feel the way I feel as she also has a very tumultuous relationship with her dad and has been no contact ( not her decision) with her dad since I was little. She just wishes that I could find it in my heart to forgive him because and I quote “ he is really sad and cries to me about how he misses you and his grandson and he wishes to meet his granddaughter and is willing to say sorry”.

The thing is, I constantly thought of my father throughout our no contact but not because I missed him but because I longed for the life other people have with their fathers and all the wonderful things they did and how much their dads loved them. I cried probably on a weekly basis just in deep thought of how my life went or in jealousy of videos of girls with their dads. It took a lot of self reflection and understanding that it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough or enough in general but my dad just wasn’t capable of loving me and my siblings more than himself. I’m now at a point of our no contact at peace with my reality and not anxious all the time of how he’s going to disappoint me, my son, or siblings again.

My mom thinks I should forgive him because she doesn’t want me to regret my decision if anything were to happen to him and because she pities him and feels that if she was in his shoes she would want someone to advocate for her too. I on the other hand feel at peace with my decision and feel like even though he is now willing to admit and say sorry it’s a little too late and don’t want to derail my progress and my kids life to reintroduce them to someone who up until this point to them is a complete stranger and not their grandpa.

To sum it up, what would you do? I just decide to continue my no contact indefinitely even though the premise of the initial no contact is finally being met and just continue my life as usual and tell my mom to just tell him it’s done forever? Trust me when I say it’s not an easy thing to hear that my father cries for me and his grandchildren and I take no joy in keeping them away from him.

If you feel like you want more in depth context of the things my dad did to make me feel this way I’m okay with answering some questions in the comments but this post is lowkey already ridiculously long because I’m just so distraught about this whole situation. I’m reasonable I’d like to think and so I’ve been trying to think of this from all angles.

The other day my boyfriend (37M) and I (37F) had a disagreement that he says is a sign that I'm the problem (we've been together for a year). All in one day I was renovating my bedroom (by myself), dealing with a mice infestation in my kitchen (caught 7), my Kitchen flooded and I got my period 4 days early on the new moon. All in the same day. My boyfriend comes over and I said I need to make a quick dinner of frozen burritos because I don't have the capacity to cook as I needed to paint all night. He said he would make dinner but he would not do the dishes in the bathroom - as I didn't have water in the kitchen. He said he would pile them in the kitchen and do them the next day. We do not live together and I knew that would mean I would have to do the dishes and the cleaning. He didn't make us dinner because he refused to do the dishes in the bathroom. He then sat on his phone for 5 hours while I painted until 1 am then did the days dishes in the bathroom sink. He said I was the problem in this situation because I was ungrateful that he brought food to make for dinner and I said don't cook unless you'll do the dishes because I don't have the capacity to clean up after the day I had. He spent 5 hours on his phone but couldn't take 15 minutes to do the dishes because he didn't want to do them in the bathroom. Who is the asshole?

I F30 have been with my girlfriend F42 for 2.5 years. I'm not looking for opinions about age gaps, I was solidly an adult when we met. We live together and have three cats. We love each other and have had disagreements but never fights. Most of the issues are honestly me getting annoyed and snapping at her for little things. Our relationship has been described as a black cat/golden retriever dynamic (I'm the black cat), but to put it bluntly, I can be a moody bitch. Some of that is my mental illness (I am in therapy and take medications) and I can become easily irritated/annoyed. She has a lot more energy and her sense of humor can be kind of childish, which I know many people would find charming or endearing, but if I'm in a mood it's honestly just annoying. I don't want to be annoyed with her all the time because I really do love her, and I don't want her to change her personality of humor just to please me. I know I need to get better about letting her know when I need my space because she's always understanding when I need time to myself. I like spending time with her and we enjoy activities but also have our own hobbies/interests. We work things out easily with chores and money, and there aren't any issues with sex life. She says I make her happy and while she doesn't like it when I snap at her I always apologize and treat her well overall.

I really have two concerns, which have been on my mind because I know she is going to propose soon (She has asked me what my ring size is and what shape/colors I like). We have talked openly about marriage and the future. I really like being with her and I'm genuinely happy but I'm not head-over-heels enamored with her. When we started dating I got butterflies but never was infatuated. I've never been like that in relationships and have always been ambivalent in the past. I hear people say "when you know you know" and I can definitely see a happy future with her, I don't "know". Part of this is that I'm a very practical person. I don't really believe we can guarantee forever. I know people change, life happens, and while the idea of breaking up now would be devastating, the idea that we grow apart and split up in 5-10 years doesn't terrify me. I know I want to be with her now and for the foreseeable future. People talk about finding "the one" and I just don't feel like that, and would describe myself as content rather than head over heels.

My second worry is that I will become a burden to her, especially if we marry. We both have our mental health struggles, but mine are more apparent day to day. I work, but she makes more money and has said in the future I could just work part-time, especially if I want to get my master's. Truthfully I love being taken care of both financially and in the day-to-day things. She already does so much care-taking (drives me to work when she can, makes me breakfast, reminds me about things) and my mental health has never been better. I want to do those things for her but it's already hard for me to take care of myself and do household tasks it's hard to reciprocate. She says she's happy to take care of me and that I'm good for her too, but part of me doesn't believe her. She already takes over a majority of the bills, and while I want to go back to school and reduce my work hours I fear being financially dependent on her and just being more of a burden. Sometimes I think it would be better to just break up with her and let her find someone who can return these gestures and who appreciates her sense of humor, but I selfishly don't think I can do that. I don't want to go back to being alone and struggling to take care of myself in a shitty studio apartment that I can barely keep livable. She makes my life better but I feel like I'm dragging her down.

TLDR: I love my girlfriend but I'm not enamored and I worry I will just be a burden to her and I can't reciprocate all the things she does for me. She's going to propose soon and I don't know if it's right for me to say yes when I'm still so conflicted.

I'm a 30F and, to my complete embarrassment, I've developed a full blown middle school crush on a 30M.

About a year ago, my daughter (10yo) started MMA, which somehow led to me taking up jiu jitsu and judo. We've met a lot of great people, and I've quickly learned that the MMA community here is incredibly close knit.

My crush is one of my daughter's coaches. He also trains at the same gym where I take jiu jitsu, although I rarely see him there. I mostly see him while he's coaching her. For the past three months, we've had an absurd amount of eye contact. I keep catching him looking at me, smiling, and then immediately looking away. At the same time, if I get within a few feet of him, he seems to tense up like I've suddenly become contagious. The mixed signals have my brain working overtime.

Here's where things get awkward.

A couple of months ago, his best friend, someone I'd never met, randomly sent me a Facebook friend request. I recognized my crush immediately because he was literally in the guy's profile picture. I finally accepted the request last week, and within a day he asked me out.

I thanked him but told him I wasn't interested in dating. I did say I'd be happy to be friends, and he was completely respectful about it. Now we're grabbing coffee tomorrow, and I'm wondering if I've unintentionally complicated things.

Do I acknowledge that I know his best friend is my daughter's coach, or just let it come up naturally if it comes up at all? I'm obviously not going to tell him I have a crush on his best friend, but I can't shake the worry that he'll mention me, and my crush will suddenly decide I'm "off limits" because his best friend was interested first. I have no idea if that's actually how adult men think, or if my anxiety has just written its own screenplay.

Am I overthinking this, or did I accidentally create a messy situation?

PS: Before anyone worries about my daughter, she's completely uninvolved in this. In fact, she's firmly on Team "Mom, just go talk to him already." She adores her coach and has repeatedly informed me she'd love for him to become her stepdad someday LMBO.

*** I forgot to add that the friends FB page showed me he also trains at the gym my crush and i train at...so maybe that's where he saw me and somehow found me on FB? i even asked him how we know eachother and he replied with "i don't think we do"...

I (18M) was taken into foster care just before I turned 1. My parents (46F, 47M) were allowed to visit me and they kept in touch with the social worker involved in my case. But the most they ever saw me was twice a year despite more visits being allowed and there were times it was only once a year and then I didn't see them at all for a couple of years.

I was bounced around foster care a lot. My longest placement was six months and I got a lot of short two to three week placements too. My relationship with my parents was non-existent despite me knowing about them and seeing them twice a year. I didn't really feel a connection to them when they would visit and depending on the visit they would either act like they didn't feel one either or they would be so in my face wanting to know me.

Three years ago they went through all the steps to take back custody of me. The fact they didn't really take all their visitation with me didn't seem to matter. We were considered a successful reunion and that's what my social worker seemed to care about the most. I get that's the end goal for foster care but it still sucked to be returned to strangers and for it to be called a day. I know I won't know everything but that's how it felt to me.

My parents had other kids a few years before they got me back. They told their kids all about me and built up this idea of a cool older brother in their heads. But I didn't find out about them until I was told my parents wanted me back. Then my parents told me at the same time they informed me they were fighting to get me back for real. So I had like three months to process that before I was in their home. And that's how I saw it. It was their home but never mine. They were a family and I was the outsider. I just didn't care about any of them. They were strangers who were saying they were my family but they never felt it. Everyone tried to act like it was all so normal and we were all a normal family. I called my parents by their first names and the new people I met because of the move I would say I was an only child because it still felt like I was. I'd even say I was still a foster kid because being with them was pretty much the same.

I was in therapy on my own, from the time I was maybe 10 I think, and it helped but I never got comfortable enough with my parents to include them and they never thought to try family therapy. There was a lot of stuff I never told them because I never had that trust in them.

I did make a couple of really good friends after I moved in with my parents and now I live with those friends so it's cool. But now things are even more complicated. My parents never expected me to move out as fast as I did and they and my siblings are starting to realize the one-sidedness of the love and relationship overall. For them me leaving was hurtful and they've had to try and process it as a loss. For me it was just like leaving another foster family I wasn't that close to.

But I can tell they want more. I just really don't feel the same way and yet I don't want to be shitty to anyone either. People in foster care were shitty to me so I don't want to be that for others.

I'm looking for advice because I really don't know what to do.

My friend, let's call her Amanda, has been in a relationship with her boyfriend, let's call him Idiot, for 3 years. During that time, Idiot has broken up with Amanda 5 times. One of the reasons he gave was that she doesn't match his ideal image of a girlfriend. He told her he imagined being with someone who looked different and had a different personality. He is attracted to extremely skinny goth girls and has even told her, "Please don't ever gain any weight." The sad part is that Amanda was already skinny, but after hearing comments like that for years, she lost a concerning amount of weight and now looks unhealthy. Idiot also constantly compares her to other women. For example, if Amanda looked like Megan Fox, he would randomly tell her how beautiful Scarlett Johansson is. These comments may seem small on their own, but over time they become very hurtful. Idiot also cheated on Amanda. She didn't find out from him, she found out about four months later through a mutual friend. When the mutual friend told Amanda the truth, Idiot threatened the mutual friend and said he would "pull her eyes out." On top of that, Idiot has a serious drug problem. One time we were at a club with Amanda, Idiot, and his friends, and they were thrown out for doing hard drugs in the bathroom. He also took Amanda's phone and disappeared to a bar without contacting any of us. What concerns me most isn't even how badly Idiot treats Amanda, it's that she keeps taking him back every time he breaks up with her. I genuinely don't understand how someone can stay with a person who treats them this way. I've tried talking to her respectfully, but she doesn't listen. She loves him and doesn't want to leave. How can I help Amanda without pushing her away?

TL;DR: Amanda's boyfriend, Idiot, has repeatedly broken up with her, pressured her about her weight, compared her to other women, cheated on her, threatened a mutual friend for exposing his cheating, and has a serious drug problem. Despite all of this, she keeps going back to him. I've tried talking to her, but she doesn't want to leave. How can I help her?

Hello so as the title says, I looked through my boyfriend’s phone. This is not the first time, I hope to god it’s the last.

For further context, I’m a rather anxious person. I’m in therapy, potentially seeing a psychiatrist soon. A couple months ago, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me by speaking to a few girls on hinge. It happened two separate instances. I found this out through looking through his phone - for the first time.

I know many people right off the bat are going to say to leave, I get it, I would’ve said the same a few months ago. Write me off as young and dumb, I believe he made a mistake, that he genuinely loves me, and won’t do it again. He has done nothing since then that would make me question his loyalty or feelings for me. Anyways, since then I’ve gotten into a bad habit of looking through his phone. I haven’t found anything that indicates cheating. At this point I feel like I’m just doing it for assurance to myself.

I feel horrible every time I do it. He’s caught me once and been very understanding, even comforting me and apologizing for making me feel like I need to do that. Fast forward to now. He’s told me he’s stopped watching porn a couple months ago. I looked through his phone this morning and found him viewing videos of girls with big butts and big boobs (things I definitely do not have as a petite woman, and I’ve expressed to him I know he has a sexual attraction to this and it makes me deeply insecure). The thing is, clearly he was masturbating to this either yesterday or the day before, and it hurt me deeply because I had expressed wanting to be intimate w him. We live five minutes away, if he was horny, he could’ve called me. He knows I’m always down.

I confronted him aggressively, he got upset about me bringing up the videos he viewed and looking through his phone again. I’m anxious attachment so he wanted to leave and I began begging for him to stay. He comforted me, said we’d talk later, and left.

I’m so torn right now. I feel so hurt he is still watching it. When I do watch videos, it’s never attraction based on someone’s body but rather the eroticism of the video. Knowing that’s what he wants, and what he chooses instead of calling me, hurts really bad. I don’t want to hear breakup solutions, I just want to know how to move forward. My question is, how do I go about this conversation later in a mature manner? Is it valid to be hurt by him watching these videos still?