I've been thinking a lot about self-talk lately.

I realized that the most hurtful words I hear usually don't come from other people.

They come from me.

But I also realized something else.

There are two important distinctions.

1. Some words feel good but aren't true.

Example:

"I'm the best writer in the world."

Feels good, but not true.

1. Other words are true, but don't feel good.

Example:

"I made a mistake."

This is sometimes true, and doesn't feel great to admit.

But here's the big distinction that's changed how I think about self-talk:

"I made a mistake" is completely different from "I am a mistake."

One describes an action.

The other describes (and undermines) your identity.

I've been trying to replace negative self-talk with words that are both true and life-giving.

Not exaggerated flattery.

Not toxic positivity.

Just the simple truth, spoken with love.

I'm curious...

What's one sentence about yourself that is both true and feels good?

I am moving soon and I low k wanna change my life. for seven Years now ive pretty much turned into a 180 of how I used to be and I wake up every day either wishing I wasn't here or wishing I felt differently. im just not sure what the answer is, I used to be heavily involved in sports as a teen and would do conditioning a lot and be very active which I think had a indirect toll on my MH and now ever since turning 20 (27 now) ive been the laziest most bum dude on planet earth and I live on the couch just wishing I could die so I dont even have to do anything anymore. I know it's gonna be hard but thats y I wish I could just take the easy way out. do u think if I started doing more cardio again and being way more active and eating all that etc etc I would actually wake uo one day and be motivated and actually like myself again? thx

I keep going into spiral about how other people can behave so badly without feeling any guilt. My therapist says I judge people based on my own standards and I shouldn't do that. How do I stop doing that? My mind automatically analyzes and tries to find patterns and reasons for why they might be behaving that way and how they feel entitled to such behaviour without feeling any guilt at all. Specially behaviour towards kids. What can I do when I find my entire day wasted thinking about people being bad? I keep thinking why not just stay quiet instead of hurting others? I can't find any reason. It's been dragging me down for years. Please help me find ways to focus my mind on more important things like studying instead of going down a spiral.

Do you think a 5-year disappearance arc is possible? How?

I don't mean disappearing in a dangerous way or anything. I just want to leave my current life behind for a while.

Sometimes I fantasize about disappearing for like 5 years. Like deactivating all my social media accounts, no one really knowing what I'm doing, no constant updates, no expectations, no explaining myself. Just completely removing myself from everyone's radar and spending those years rebuilding my life from scratch.

Not necessarily physically disappearing or moving somewhere far away. I can't afford that anyway. I mean staying where I am but becoming completely invisible online and socially while I work on myself in private.

Then one day, I'll just come back completely reinvented. Different mindset. Different appearance. Different skills. Financially independent. More confident. Healthier. Maybe with a completely different life from the one everyone remembers.

I know real life doesn't work like a movie, and I can't literally vanish without consequences. But I genuinely feel this strong desire to retreat from everyone and everything for years so I can focus entirely on becoming someone I'm actually proud of.

The problem is, I don't even know how to do this realistically. How do you "disappear" from your old life without actually destroying your relationships, responsibilities, and future? Is it possible to take a few years to completely rebuild yourself while still technically being present in the world?

Would you tell your close friends and family that you're taking a break, or just quietly disappear online?

Has anyone else ever felt this way or actually done something similar? Could you share your tips, advice, or experiences?

Thank you so much!

TL;DR: I want to deactivate my social media, disappear from everyone's radar for around 5 years, quietly rebuild myself while staying where I am, and eventually come back completely reinvented. Has anyone actually done something similar? Could you share some tips?

I (f32) have struggled with this all of my cognizant life, and I'm currently dealing with 2 especially banal, horrible, awful, people in the office I'm working in. I'm in therapy, I'm working towards a goal of being more confident and less anxious about social situations in my life but my God these women are too fucking much. Im new in the area and its the constant barrage of leaving their seat, and whispering to a colleague, and then having both of them say "oh you're bad!" Or "I need to change, I am so rude hahaha" right after I speak. It's always being iced out of conversations, it's always them gossiping about their friend group at work, or whose obsessed with them. It never fucking stops. I don't want to say I know they don't like me but with the effort they put in its hard. If they don't like me though, that's fine, I have no desire to join that hellish highschool esque group, but please for the love of God stop shit talking! That goes for me (OR ANYONE ELSE) for that matter. Yesterday it got so bad, an area manager pulled rank but essentially put me in the middle of one of these women and her and I'm fearing it's going to get worse. What do I do?

I (f32) have struggled with this all of my cognizant life, and I'm currently dealing with 2 especially banal, horrible, awful, people in the office I'm working in. I'm in therapy, I'm working towards a goal of being more confident and less anxious about social situations in my life but my God these women are too fucking much. Im new in the area and its the constant barrage of leaving their seat, and whispering to a colleague, and then having both of them say "oh you're bad!" Or "I need to change, I am so rude hahaha" right after I speak. It's always being iced out of conversations, it's always them gossiping about their friend group at work, or whose obsessed with them. It never fucking stops. I don't want to say I know they don't like me but with the effort they put in its hard. If they don't like me though, that's fine, I have no desire to join that hellish highschool esque group, but please for the love of God stop shit talking! That goes for me (OR ANYONE ELSE) for that matter. Yesterday it got so bad, an area manager pulled rank but essentially put me in the middle of one of these women and her and I'm fearing it's going to get worse. What do I do?

At 31 yo I’ve learned that I have to set boundaries around myself financially and physically with partners.

Since my first job at 15 yo, I’ve always gave paychecks and money I’ve earned to the men I’ve dated. I thought this was normal behavior and it has set me behind in life so much.

I used to put so much energy into making my boyfriend happy and focusing on how I can make his life better in any way. I’ve lost time and energy I should have put into myself and my own life by doing this. This is a self taught lesson because I had no one to teach me to fill my own cup before trying to fill anyone else’s.

Now at 31 yo, I still have to set those boundaries but even being able to realize those boundaries are a success with itself✨

How in the hell am I supposed to move forward knowing that no matter what I do or learn,it isn't going to help and my only option is to suffer any rock thats thrown at me,there's no learning curve,i just get fed information and survive the experience.Anything I do control is minor to me because I've learned too late anyway.

I've been realising alot that I have to do so much more than expected but its so far beyond thought I just end up being hit by the obstacle.

With people? Sure i know of untrustworthy but was i supposed to know they would suddenly become assholes years later?

Having doubts about things I should be doing,was i NOT supposed to doubt myself? Why did i even experience doubt,i felt like it was right even tho it derailed me but at the same time I feel like I was supposed to.

Even things like sickness or sadness,was i meant to somehow NOT have them and avoided them slowing me down even tho ive taken several steps to be rid of them for years?

I feel like doing things right and coming still falling into traps is exhausting me so much,I don't want this approach with life if any sort of control or action i take is basically part of IT'S plan.i often feel like its even magical at some point because of ridiculous it is.Hope feels mocking

I’ve been working on myself for the past six months. My depression and anxiety have dropped by almost 80% mind you without any meds, but I still can’t feel proud alone. I don’t know why.

I’ve started smiling more, reading more, and making decisions more pragmatically. But somewhere inside, this little purple box of emotions still craves a pat on the back or a hug.

I understand, as an adult, that life is indeed lonely at every step of the way. It doesn’t matter if you’re an alcoholic or somebody who’s most active in AA meetings.

Cheerio.

I have recently started to write about the emotional neglect from my parents and I bet I have 100 more things to share on this topic, cause they still haunt me. I probably will still write about it. Today I've been grappling with the question - What's next? Let me explain - I'll write about my experience, verbalizing it may help, maybe seeing I'm not alone in it may help but also makes me sad that so many of us are in this shit. How do I move ahead from this? How do I heal/ do better for myself? Because currently I feel stuck in rage and grief. This time it's been hard for me to hold two contradictory emotions for them - empathy/ love (cause they did the best they could, they had a difficult life too) and rage (cause I deserve better and have to suffer because of them and am emotionally so damaged).

If you're someone who has surpassed this stage even a little bit tell me somethings that helped you do it intentionally, give me your hacks/ unhinged advice/ no filter things that helped you in your journey 

I had that itch a lot of people seem to get right now, the "it's basically August, time to blow everything up and start over" itch. New routine, new tracker, new rules, the whole reset. Before I let myself do it, I made myself write down what has actually changed since January, just to see how bad the damage really was.

It was a much weird list than I expected. None of it was the big stuff from my January goals. It was things like, I don't negotiate with myself about the morning walk any more, it just happens. I texted a friend first for once instead of waiting for her to reach out, and we are actually okay again. I stopped doom scrolling in bed most nights.

Not one of those was on my original list. All of them are real. And I almost overwrote all of it with a brand new plan because it felt more productive than admitting the quiet stuff already worked.

I think the overhaul urge is not actually about being behind, it is about impatience with progress that does not look dramatic. So instead of a reset, I picked exactly one thing to adjust for the second half of the year and left the rest alone, because it turns out I already built more than I gave myself credit for.

Before you blow up your whole system this week, it might be worth checking what already quietly changed without you noticing. What's on your list?

Hey guys we all get addicted to something at some point in our lives. It can be anything like bad eating habits, watching corn, theft, cheating, alcohol, social media addiction, sugar addiction, gambling, doomscrolling, smoking.

What were you addicted to and how did you get over it?

Would love to hear your answers in the comments!

Hi, I don’t know if this is the place to ask this but I really need advice. I’ve always felt like a bad person, and I know feeling and being are different, but unfortunately I have done things that by all moral standards, are pretty shitty. I’m a bad friend, I’m selfish, I push people away, I’ve entertained sexual relations with an ex who actively has a new boyfriend, i find any excuse to drink myself into a stupor. I am, by all accounts, a bad person, and I feel as though right now I’ve hit rock bottom. I don’t like the things I’ve done, I feel guilty all the time, but I keep doing bad things, I keep hurting people. I’m really not trying to be excused for anything I’ve done but does anyone have any pointers to change myself, I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I’m coming to the realization that humble strength is extremely threatening to most people. I used to assume appreciation would ensue from that, as I tend to admire this trait. However in return I have experienced more jealousy, envy, belittling due to this.

Most people are extremely self-serving.

living constantly in other people’s world by listening to what they say drags you out of your confidence.

Confidence wins over pride every single time, and confidence is nothing to feel shameful about no matter how others would like to make you feel bad for what you have.

Silence is an underrated, it is an amazing tool to deal with chaotic individuals.

Being in a healthy relationship beats being single regardless of how you look at it. There are 24 hours in a day, a person that adds positivity to your life instead of taking away will always be a better outcome than whatever you can do on your own in that span of time. Not to be mistaken with the fact that there is a time in life for this.

These are just some thoughts, please feel free to contradict me. Very curious to hear your thoughts

[24F] Plans, schedules, cancellations, and invitations are my biggest fucking trigger in life. One of these popping up in a slightly less positive way can throw off my week like it's nothing.

I never get the flat to myself and always have to go to others to hang out. I asked my friends excitedly if they wanted to come over and watch a movie, and they were busy. Maybe it's the way they said it. Idk. But I've been in a slump all day since. Loss of appetite, crying, and tiredness. No desire to do anything. I was excited to cycle home from work – I didn't in the end. I feel like I blacked out my whole day because of one response. I actually really enjoy my alone time too, so it's not like Thursday alone is a nightmare to me. There's actually probably a part of me that would have preferred to have a night in alone. But the rejections feel like a stab in the gut.

My initial vent/rant that I wrote down about this: They make me feel so worthless and hopeless. It makes me see red and feel murderous. Why? I really don't know exactly – it feels like an emotion I have no control over. Partially, I feel so disrespected and furious with society. I do find people's attitudes to other people/friends to have completely shifted since I was younger. It feels incredibly selfish, entitled and flippant. What happened to caring about friends? Thinking about someone else other than yourself. I'm livid. I never sense any remorse. I think people enjoy the compliment of me needing to beg for their time. I find it so self-serving. 'Pencil you in' bullshit. Fuck them. What the fuck am I going to do now? Why do they never want to see me? Why do they not work harder? I do for the people I care about. How could they let me down like this.

I don't know why this is my trigger. I don't understand how other people are able to cope in the slightest with this. My whole reality feels warped, I feel crazy. I feel completely out of control. There's so much pressure. I don't know if my feelings are valid or not. But all I do know is small frustrations with friends should have me keeled over with sadness and anger. What do I do.

As I age more and more, one of the things that constantly burn in the back of my mind is "I wish I had done [xyz] in my 20s."

A part of me tries to give myself a lot of grace. I finished school *with* my degree. Even though I'm not actively using it, I'm okay because I have an opportunity of a lifetime at the moment. I moved states, get to travel, be in my own space, make money with a job I love, and grow. So many good things going for myself.

On the downside, I've never been in a relationship (which isn't like the worst thing in the world). When I'm home, I rarely leave my house. I have so many hobbies but nothing really sticks. And thank goodness that I made friends online because if not, I would probably have no social human interactions outside my job. (Okay so maybe this includes a little bit of social anxiety...)

Maybe it sounds dramatic but I feel like I'm kinda wasting away. Yes, I'm doing okay, but it doesn't feel like enough. I feel like a part of me is missing *something*. For some reason, getting older feels like impending doom. I know it's not- maybe it's the idea of not utilizing a decade of your life to its full potential. Eithed way, I don't wanna feel like this anymore.

I guess my question is, what are some things you regret not doing in your 20s? Or even, what advice would you give an upcoming 26 year old who feels she's not doing enough?

I'm 18, and I've realized I have a habit of avoiding conflict or difficult situations instead of dealing with them straight away.

For example, if my mum or someone else is upset with me, I usually don't respond immediately. I stay quiet, give it time, and come back to it later because I don't want an argument or to make things worse. Sometimes that helps, but other times I think I'm just avoiding the problem because it makes me uncomfortable.

I've started wondering if this habit is affecting other areas of my life too. When something is stressful or important, I sometimes delay dealing with it instead of facing it head on.

I know I'm still growing and learning, and I feel like being able to handle pressure and difficult conversations is an important life skill.

For people who used to avoid conflict or pressure, how did you learn to face things directly without getting overwhelmed? Are there any habits, books, or mindsets that helped you become more confident in handling problems as they came up?

Hello! I live in upstate NY and I’m trying to figure out whether choosing between education (health or physical education) or accounting would be a better fit for me. I live in a very financially hard household and I’d like to help my parents out eventually after college when I graduate. Thing is, I feel I’m more passionate in education or working with children but I know it doesn’t make a whole lot starting off. And I don’t think I’d mind accounting but it isn’t my first pick, and accounting makes pretty decent money depending on the place.

So I don’t know, if I choose Physed/health education I’d have to transfer to a school that offers it, or continue at the school I’m at now with accounting.

So what do you think, I’d appreciate any advice, suggestions or guidance.

Thank you.

Hi all.

Title says it all. When I am not pretty much forced to be doing something, such as attending classes, I'm stuck with a painful sense of boredom I can't escape.
I have been formally diagnosed with AuDHD and am working towards getting diagnosed with depression. I can't imagine any of those help with this.

When I'm bored, I do know there are things I could try, but I just can't be bothered. I am also a person very driven by spite (yes I know this is bad, i am working on it) so when someone suggests something to do, I either refuse to or my brain refuses to actually enjoy it, trapping me in the boredom.

I know boredom can be beneficial or whatever, but it really negatively impacts my mental health. I am unsafe when bored.

All that said, I was just really hoping someone has ideas on how to get out of the pit so to speak or how they got out themselves.

Thank you :)

Looking for advice on how to stop wasting so much time and energy absorbing things said to/about me and thinking about them for days, weeks, months and even years later.

I am an extremely sensitive person who obsesses mostly about social expectations, social interactions and relationships. On the paper I have a lot of things going for me yet I spend so much time thinking about things that most people would maybe think about for a second then move on. Things people said and how they said it and what that means, usually interpreting it in a way that is negative against me. Taking things personally when it might not have been about me at all. Recently it’s about being teased about a food I was eating, how I might have said something offensive about a controversial topic, how sensitive I am, or if my friends/family really find me insufferable/really care about me the way I care about them (that one is reoccurring). On one hand I am such a loving and understanding person yet on the other hand I notice when it’s not reciprocated. My thoughts will spiral into all the ways things bother me from the things others did/said or things that I did or/said. I just can’t seem to let things go.

It will consume majority of my day. I will work and it will be what’s really consuming my thoughts. Even when I try to distract myself it’s a running commentary in my head. I can’t do hobbies I like such as reading, painting or even walking without those thoughts running through my head. Then when I try to focus on the moment I find myself judging myself. It never ends!

And I can see how self centered and insecure this can come off. It’s really not intentional. I can even see this behavior and others and can see how frustrating it is to watch.

I want to be better. I want to be the person that says screw you if you were talking about me or at least let it slide off my back like it’s nothing. I want to be happy and present and be able to navigate negative situations without it consuming me.

Has anyone else been in this situation and been able to pull themselves forward so they feel more balanced? I don’t want to rid myself of my good nature but I am so miserable.

I cheated. I was struggling with poor mental health and I used an opportunity of sex with another person as a method of self destruction and escape. I allowed myself to do this because i did not have healthy boundaries and wasn't thinking about the consequences. I did not tell them, and when confessing only 5 months later, lied about it.

This caused irreperable damage to my partner, to myself, and to our relationship. This person has been shattered because of this selfish, cowardly, disgusting choice I made. I will never be able to make up what I did and this person is now traumatized for the rest of their lives.

I look back at my life and realize the scum that I have been. I am a pathological liar. Ive been lying since a young age, and convince myself of my own lies. I lied so much that I would completely reinvent my reality. Sometimes for no reason. Sometimes for attention. Sometimes, and most damaging, to avoid accountability.

One of the reasons here is that in childhood, when I was held accountable for something, it came with deep shame and abandonment from others. There were no healthy boundaries for responsibility. If you did something wrong, you were not loved, and you were abandoned as a result.

Shame was equated with abandonment and death.

So the shame i experienced with the cheating resulted in a denial response. I lied to myself about the occurence and couldn't give my partner a straight answer. I wanted desperately to tell them the truth but did not. Eventually I was able to, but only when I called the person involved in the affair to verify. My denial had warped my perception of reality to the point of taking drastic measures to ensure internal consistency. But I desperately wanted to tell them to take accountability.

I realize that these lies were a choice as much as the cheating was. Sure it is hard, and against the way my brain has been wired. But that doesn't make me any less of a coward.

I came to these realizations only recently. I am going to therapy and continuing to journal and take in feedback from my support system. I have been watching videos on infidelity and relationships. I am soon to get a couple of books on infidelity and complex trauma.

I have been a very bad person in my life and the person I was supposed to love the most was destroyed by my selfishness. I desperately want to change so that i never do this again. I hated my affair and I hated what i did to them. I hate what I have done and what I am capable of. I feel such horrible shame. They didn't deserve this. I am so sorry. I don't know how to keep living. But I must keep living so that I can redeem my cowardice, even if I am forever a cheater.

Do you have anything to recommend? Any words of advice or wisdom?

Last month I ended a two-year relationship, and I've been reflecting on the reasons for our breakup lately. My ex-girlfriend told me before the breakup that maybe I was better suited to living alone. At the time, I was a little angry, but now I think she was right. Because I always subconsciously avoided conflict in relationships, many small disagreements accumulated between us without being resolved.

When something happened that made me uncomfortable, I would subconsciously accept it. Without communicating with her in time, I felt wronged and blamed myself for being too sensitive. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing; I thought I was protecting the relationship and avoiding arguments. But in reality, I was just protecting myself, avoiding those uncomfortable conversations.

I tried hard to remember every detail related to her, using accio work to record her favorite restaurants, her favorite foods, and things she shared. But without honest communication, love will eventually fade. My ex once asked me why I never told her my true feelings at the time. To be honest, by the time she asked me, I couldn't even remember my initial, genuine feelings.

I think my avoidance of conflict might be related to my upbringing. My emotional needs have never been met since childhood, gradually making me afraid to express them. I am your archetypal people pleaser, always caring about what other people think of me. I want to change this behavior. I don't want my next relationship to end because of my mistakes again. For those of you who used to avoid conflict, how did you change? Any advice is welcome.

So I have a mean streak. I think. My target can be anyone.

I think its because this is what my inner voice sounds like, and I'm quite transparent lol.

For example, this morning, my mom called me to wake my brother up because the city council was tarring the road outside. If my bro didn't move his car out of the way, his car would be towed and according to my mom, 'he won't be able to drive to work'

I mean, the car will be towed.... not clamped..... so I have no idea what she's on about.

Anyway, I immediately woke my bro up while on the phone. I just thought it was funny his car is about to get clamped ..... so I woke him up while laughing, and told my mom "he's moving now".

I realise that sounds quite cynical. This happens ALL THE TIME with friends and family that I don't have to be formal with.

How do I stop being cynical.

this sounds like such a common question and you can watch endless youtube videos on why scrolling is bad and how to stop, but i’m still struggling. when i get REALLY addicted to instagram (phone is picked up anytime i have a spare moment type bad), i will delete for a week, sometimes even longer, until i feel like i can live without it again. the few times ive done this its been great, i finally had the attention span for lectures, got back into hobbies i love, the whole nine yards. the bad thing is this only lasts for so long (a few months max) before i start scrolling again and basically the process repeats. i start going back on it because i get fomo and don’t like notifications just sitting so i feel the need to reply to everyone on there. it seems like cold turkey is maybe too much gone at once, but i can’t stop scrolling unless i fully delete the app.

i miss who i was when i wasn’t constantly going through this cycle, back when i was a good student year round. what are some things i can do to get off of instagram for good (or at least obtain the ability to go on it a healthy amount)? how are people able to not doomscroll at all?

Hi,

I am a 25 male and I would like to ask for some suggestions on some things.
My hobbies include going to gym, playing video games and I am recently trying new sports.

When I was young, I tried basketball, ping pong, badminton, swimming and now I am trying pickle ball.
In video games I play a lot league of legends and I tried playing Valorant and also other games a bit.

The thing that bothers me is,
I am mechanically bad at both sports and games.

What I found in common is that whenever it comes to the mechanics part of the game or sports, I am terrible and my friends are more or less, always better than me.

This is frustrating, I play games or sports to relax and win to have fun, but constantly losing or not making progress/making very slow progress makes me suffer.
Whether it is in games (I don’t know if anyone heard of those games), I am always the burden or wondering around don’t know what I am doing in the game.
And I had to spend significant amount of time just to catch up with my friends. Or sometimes I am so embarrassed of myself that I chose to play alone, either on sports or video games. But I do want to social with people through those things.

The only accomplishment in sports/game I had was I reached Diamond in League of Legends (top 7% of all NA Server in the game after spending 7 years in the game and found a character that does not require any mechanics at all compared to other characters.

It was pretty sad, I do understand that maybe that’s just life, but it’s actually not just games or sports, it like everything I do, during college, I have to spend extra time just to catch up with other people to maintain a good gpa.

But for some moment, I wish things can be easier, or at least I can find a game or sports that fits me that at least I do not have to try so hard just to have fun in life.

I have my main life objective, I need to make a living, taking care of my family, I do understand the responsibility and I would do anything to make a good life, but besides that, I also want to be good at some sort of hobbies that can help me socialize, but I don’t have that much time/attention/talent to be good at things just like my friends are.

Does this sound familiar to anybody? Can I gets some suggestions? It kind of bothers me, any sort of advice would be helpful. :)

Thank you all.