I’m sitting on my couch as I write this. Two cats next to me, their energy has been pensive and oscillating from overly affectionate to overly distant. I’m watching legislation that will ultimately ban my drug of choice in a matter of days, as it should and I wish it happened sooner. Funny to think just two weeks ago I had the same worries as a normal everyday American. Worried about work, finances, first home affordability and replacing my aging vehicle. So deeply in denial about the state of my affairs it couldn’t break the emotional wall I’ve built to cope with my situation. Lately I’ve been burnt out, I have a job that is so specific I can’t even begin to mention it here. I was a recovering heroin addict, stone cold sober for 8 years. I built my own way in my professional career. Found an atypical path through something I was incredibly passionate about. Built a life that I never could have dreamed of having, stable and happy, creatively fulfilled, broke for the longest time but ultimately happy. People looked to me as an example of what is possible. When I was 21 I went to the emergency room after my mother found me passed out with a spoon and syringe on the desk. I found the limit of what my body could take, turns out mixing uppers, downers, and sidewaysers was not a good idea. I wouldn’t take that moment back for anything.

I was transported to a city overs er department and within days found myself in a world class rehabilitation facility. I remember the acceptance I had in my heart of my situation and how for the first time in a long while I felt genuine hope for my situation. I was broken in the best way I could be, it genuinely saved my life. My first trip there two years prior was not the same scenario, I just didn’t want to become homeless but couldn’t fathom a life completely sober. After my second trip I entered recovery groups and started to thrive. I overcame so many fears and worked actually solving issues and solved them! I became independent through relying on others and I started to build relationships that were genuine. What I would give to be back in that same position now isn’t really truly describable by words. I was 21 at the time.

Around four years ago while on a work trip to Las Vegas of all places I decided to have a beer for the first time in 8 years. I had been playing around with non alcoholic beers and cbd, just seeing where the line in the sand was and thinking about crossing it with my toe. That night I had a reasonable serving and went back to my hotel. The next night was the last day of the conference, we had free beer vouchers to the local brewery. So, against my best judgement I went. Struck up a conversation with a few guys and found out what a double ipa was. Next thing I know it’s 3 am and I’m throwing up, no off switch just need more. I should have heeded the warning. This led to a progressively worse bout of alcoholism. I’ve always been a crafty person and I’m at my best when my back is against the wall. I figured out a way to drink 4-10 beers every night no matter what for a period of about 30 months. During this time I entered a relationship, fell in love, moved in together, and regressed to my 13 year old self emotionally. I became this weird hybrid creature of having all of this knowledge of who I am but unable to act on any of the positive lessons I’ve learned. Safe to say that relationship didn’t last, and honestly I don’t think it would have even if I was sober. I still feel awful about some of the things I said and raising my voice but ultimately this relationship ending was for the better.

After she left and moved out, I was free to drink and fuck as I pleased. Not expecting to really find anything of value in my circle of folks relationship wise, I continued on with my antics for a few months until I met an absolute angel. The very woman sent to me from god or whatever deity you believe. She dropped into my life from a very unexpected place. We live in different cities but immediately hit it off in a way I’ve never experienced before. This woman fit me in all the ways I could ever ask and more. Truly a beautiful human being and so far past what I thought my dream girl was. Safe to say, she’s my girlfriend and soon to be fiancé. Our relationship hasn’t been without peril, obviously I still have a pretty serious albeit very high functioning drinking problem. This caused issues on and off the first year of our relationship. Me being overly emotional and triggering her emotional buttons with drinking too much and gaining weight rapidly. She has experience with family members being alcoholics and doesn’t look at people with addiction issues with much empathy. Who can blame her really, she got put through the wringer. This led to a rather large blowout about 6 months ago. I decided the morning after, once realizing that the most important aspect of my life was most likely gone, I called my old sponsor. A couple months prior I picked up a new habit to try to decrease my drinking, one that allowed me to pass random tests for my employment and was readily available in the state in which she lives. So, for the first time in roughly 10 years my little dysfunctional opiate receptors were tingled by the likes of kratom. I quit drinking after the blowout fight, didn’t have a single drop for four months and overall things were the best they’ve been in a very long time. I didn’t think much about the kratom it was just my way to wind down at the end of the day and I thought “ how different from weed can this be really?” My doses were average and I didn’t see anything wrong with my actions really. I was back doing hobbies again and had lots of energy my life was getting better. I believed the delusion a solution had been found. Lost touch with my old sponsor and carried on. Not drinking but eating those green capsules full of Thailand’s finest shrub.

A couple of months ago after much discussion with my girlfriend we decided to celebrate a special occasion together with a bottle of wine. I don’t know why but it’s important for her to have me be a somewhat regular person. I say I don’t know why but really I do, it’s fun as shit and we have a blast drinking together. During this time the kratom stops working as well. I’ve been taking it everyday and it’s lost its effect. One night while slightly buzzed I decide to try an extract. I get that exact feeling right back again, and with a flight coming up to another state I take that with me instead. Safe to say, when I return I keep on with the extract mixed with regular Kratom. Until that doesn’t work anymore…..

Fast forward to now, I’m sitting here with a decent sized habit of an isomer of 7oh. One that is legal in Kratom controlled states. Come July 30th, I will no longer be able to purchase it. The problem being, it’s rather moorish ( shout out to super Hans ifykyk). I’m at about four tabs a day to not have the absolute fear of god and worse withdrawal symptoms I’ve ever felt. I have a professional job and have to be completely with it every single day. Based on my calculations to taper to zero will require 6 weeks of my life and an absurd amount of aforementioned substance. However, my back is against the wall. I cannot run off to treatment as the idea of loosing my job, house, and future wife in one fell swoop terrifies me. I’ve been restless, I’ve cut my daily intake to the lowest amount I can. I’m staring at a wall at the end of a tunnel and I don’t have enough gas in the tank to turn around and drive out the way I came. I dug so quickly my own grave while completely naive to doing so. The only option I see is to hold myself accountable and taper off. I have dreams of kids and home ownership, a happy life and happy wife. I’m afraid if this act of deception is brought to the surface ( which I so badly want to do) it will be the end of the very thing that is giving me the will to keep on. Honestly, I couldn’t hold it against her if she did make that decision. My actions if roles were reversed would hurt me dearly too. I have a vacation I’m going on in a few weeks. It’s been a big very exciting thing for some time now for everyone who is going. I’d certainly let everyone down if I wasn’t able to attend due to a shady gas station habit. Love of my life included.

I’m completely lost and scared of what the future holds. The past two weeks it feels like I’m just pretending to be the guy I used to be, my discipline and my ability to connect with others is just gone. I feel so incredibly powerless. The very person I want to tell the most would be the angriest with me. The idea of loosing them in my life alongside starting a new just terrifies me. I’m stuck but grateful for what I do have. The understanding that I’m completely powerless until I get this junk out of me.

I needed to vent, thank you stranger for reading. I deserve to lose it all but I desire not to. We can’t have our cake and eat it too. I don’t wish this upon anyone.

Umm... Has anyone else become ridiculously, insatiably, overwhelmingly unsatisfiable and always in the mood when they first got clean?? I was assuming the opposite would be true, this was incredibly unexpected and I am wondering if it is a common experience or not? and I'm talking like around the clock non-stop readiness.

Hey folks, I've lived alone for 9 years and about 6 years ago I ended up in the hospital. Six days later I got out and had an overwhelming fear that I would go unconscious and nobody would notice. I had a friend check in on me, but that's a hassle, offers little privacy, and can get old really quickly.

I’m also in recovery at the moment. I didn’t build SafetyAlly as a recovery app, and I don’t want to pretend that it is. But recovery has made me appreciate accountability that doesn’t require someone constantly checking up on me. I make the commitment to check in, and the other person only gets involved if I don’t. It feels like accountability without surveillance.

Six years later I finally finished SafetyAlly. You set a check-in time, and if you don't check in, it contacts the people you chose. There is a free tier as well as paid tiers that offer SMS and escalation lists: https://www.safetyally.org

Feedback is very welcome, especially on whether you’d use something like this for accountability.

Have dealt with clinical depression for half my life and almost lost my fight. After intense treatment, changing medication, and a lot of work, I'm on the right path. For the first time in a decade I can say I've found peace, happiness, and I look forward to waking up in the morning. I love being alive and I'm so grateful I survived. 💗

Hey everyone!

Over the past few months a friend of me has has been building a small discord server called Beyond Surviving. They created it because we struggled to find a community that focused on recovery, healing and genuine peer support.

Beyond Surviving isn't about comparing struggles or centering mental illness. It's about supporting one another while remembering that mental health is part of our story, not our entire identity.

The server includes Recovery-focused peer support, Friendly social channels, Recovery wins and coping strategies, Clear rules, active moderation and no graphic sh content.

The community is still very small, and we would actually like to keep it that way for now. We are looking for kind people who value support, respect, and recovery over numbers.

If this sounds like something you'd be interested in, please consider joining: https://discord.gg/Nbc3bwWYC

I don’t usually know what to do with this anniversary. It’s not a birthday, it’s not a holiday, and it’s not something most people celebrate. But I think it deserves to be acknowledged: the day I survived myself.

Three years ago, I was at the lowest point of my life. After years of addiction, depression, and feeling like I had run out of options, I made a decision that I can’t take back. Somehow, I survived it. I woke up. And as painful and complicated as the years since have been, I’ve had the chance to keep writing the story.

Recovery hasn’t been a straight line. I’ve had setbacks, I’ve had moments where I felt completely lost, and I’ve had to rebuild parts of myself I thought were gone forever. But I’m sober. I’m still fighting. I’m still learning how to live a life I once didn’t think I deserved to have.

The person who made that decision three years ago couldn’t see what was ahead. They couldn’t see the people they’d meet, the things they’d experience, the strength they’d find, or the fact that one day they’d look back and realize: “I made it through something I thought would kill me.”

I don’t know what the future looks like. I don’t have everything figured out. But I know this: there was a time when I thought my story was over, and it wasn’t.

Today is proof that the worst day of your life does not have to be the last chapter.

I don’t know where I’m sleeping or what I’m eating today, but I’m alive.

TL;DR: The toxicity risk is real I found out the hard way cuz I am an idiot.

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I had no doubt in my mind that seizures won't happen to me, that is because I thought I have been using them for 6 years now, never had or seen anyone have seizures in that time.

But yeah apparently it is real and i am an idiot.

I am afraid that I might try to undersell the horrifying emotional torture I gave to myself this time, I feel very repulsed with substances but I can't guarantee it will last forever, the repulsion.

But leaving future in itself's hand, for now in present I think its a celebratory time,. I won't need to actually celebrate though, I just want a break from everything.

I am utterly exhausted,

I am sick of feeling like crap

and starting back from zero.

TLDR:
If you’ve been high in the last five years how what was your relationship with your phone and phone addiction like during your that time and what substances were you using?

I’ve been clean and sober over 11 years and when I was getting high I never had a smart phone, shit most of the time I didn’t even have a phone 🤣 Obviously there wasn’t short form content. The extent of my social media use was posting YouTube links to songs that cryptically referenced the drugs I was on or state of mind I was in. I did message people a lot on fb when I had access to a computer for drugs, etc;

Anyhow nowadays I find myself hopelessly addicted to my phone even when I really don’t want to be, If I delete Instagram I’m on Reddit. If I go on YouTube I must finish the suggested short with Mick Jagger… every bit of content I finish even when I don’t want to like it’s vegetables and I’m an insolent child of like maybe just maybe this reel or article or celebrity interview will contain that one last nugget that finally puts everything into perspective or heals me or allows me to escape samsara, etc; whatever

Anyhow what I am very curious about is what is it like nowadays with getting high and the supper addictive nature of scrolling and social media? Like how that looks for people now? Like do some of you get high on meth and scroll endlessly? Are you on Xanax and going live on tik tok? Addies and long form YouTube binges? Etc;

I remember being high on amphetamines unable to sleep and unable to make noise at my parents house just staring into the dark thinking myself to death. I wonder what it would have been like with a phone. 🤔

So I’m 8 years clean off heroin and opioids and pretty much any thing I could get my hands on. About 2 years ago I started on plain white kratom. For reference, I live in a state where kratom is illegal. I was having a good experience, everything was going well, my wife became more accepting of it and it was causing no problems until I was searching around on the internet one day and found a website that could send me grams of 7Oh and let me tell you that first scoop of 7Oh was just like doing a line of good heroin for the first time. Me being the good addict I am, I continue to purchase and lie constantly to my wife about what I’m spending money on. At Christmas time in 2025 I’m sitting around sick on the day my shipment was supposed to land. I put off going to my wife’s family dinner until after the mail had been delivered, and I’m a giant piece of shit for doing that. I used the excuse of explosive diarrhea for the reason and then when I get to her brother’s house I’m magically better. Then one day they stopped shipping to my state. This is when I discovered MGM15. They had that available on the website as well and since 7Oh was no longer being shipped, again, me being the good addict I am, I tried to order a gram of MGM15 and guess what? It went through so now my journey with MGM15 has begun. The legs on MGM15 are absolutely amazing. So much better than the 7Oh. What I did not know is how intense the withdrawal effects would be. I have missed more work in the past 2-3 months than I have in years, while I’m also on Zepbound for weight loss, I used the excuse of nausea from my injection as the reason I was not going to work. So I’m also a huge piece of shit of doing that. Man, let me tell you the withdrawals are no joke. Watery eyes, sneezing, absolutely no motivation, diarrhea you get the idea. My wife and I went to a local baseball game on 6/12 and when I got home I had 2 empty containers of MGM15 that still had residue in them, I was expecting a gram the next day so to hold me over I licked the residue out of both containers in the bathroom and unknown to me my wife was suspicious and stood outside the door and heard me drop the lid of one of the containers on the floor. I opened the door and she’s standing right there. She asks “what are you doing, you’re acting suspicious and what was that noise?” Of course I lie make up some excuse then we get into bed and she asks to see my bank statement because I had taken out $200 the day before under the guise of 2 Klarna payments , gas and running money for the week. Right then I knew I was fucked. She said she wasn’t dropping it until I showed her, I responded I’m tired, we’ll talk in the morning. Next morning rolls around and I’m on the couch and we have the discussion I tell her it was 7Oh and she has no idea what I’m talking about. Fast forward a couple days, mind you Father’s Day is coming up and we’re hosting. I have to text my wife one day and ask to buy a gram or I’ll be sick on Father’s Day. She reluctantly agrees so I drop another $135 on a gram and overnight shipping. It took me 4 days to get off that shit. 2 days I called in to work and the other 2 was a weekend. I didn’t get up off the couch until that Sunday, because the withdrawals were so intense. Didn’t eat for 3 days, didn’t drink anything for 3 days and didn’t shower for 4 days. I’m back on the regular kratom because I’m still struggling with some withdrawal symptoms. Do touch the MGM15 kids. I’m glad the ban is coming and yes I know there will be something else coming along to replace it so hopefully the DEA will get wise and keep an eye on the next product that is developed.

Tl dr: don’t do MGM 15, while it feels great the withdrawals are brutal.

Hello so I’m currently addicted to 7OH it’s a real problem and i can’t do it anymore I need help and I can’t do it by myself my buddy just got out of rehab yesterday and convinced me to go as well, well the problem is I am on probation for a DUI back in February. I need help and need to go to rehab but I don’t know how to tell my PO officer without getting a violation and probably ending up in jail. I was thinking about telling her “I just need some extra support as I’ve been heavily thinking about drinking the past few days.” I don’t know if that will work I’m scared and sad and I just want to get sober but not sure what to do with my probation :( please someone have some advice for me I’m so scared :( should I get admitted and then call? Or call before

It gets frustrating that there isn’t much of anything in terms of art around the male experience of eating disorders, so I’m trying to collect some stuff that speaks to me and my experience.

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Negli ultimi sei mesi la mia vita è stata completamente stravolta. Dieci giorni fa ho scoperto che il mio fidanzato fa uso di cocaina: è stato lui stesso a confessarmelo. All’inizio pensavo che ci fosse un’altra donna, perché una persona affettuosa e premurosa si era trasformata improvvisamente in una persona indifferente. Spariva anche per 24 ore e diceva che si era semplicemente addormentato. È diventato manipolatore, al punto da convincermi che tutti i conflitti della nostra relazione fossero colpa mia.
Un mese fa abbiamo litigato di nuovo perché era scomparso per altre 18 ore e mi ha dato la stessa spiegazione: si era addormentato. In più mi ha minacciata dicendo che, questa volta, sarebbe stato lui a mettere fine alla relazione.
A quel punto ho deciso di interrompere ogni contatto e di concentrarmi su me stessa. Mi sono iscritta a dei corsi ai quali dedico otto ore al giorno, ho iniziato ad allenarmi, ho cambiato il mio stile di vita e ho finalmente rimesso in ordine anche il sonno. Dopo 25 giorni di no contact è tornato e mi ha raccontato tutto quello che gli sta succedendo.
Adesso il problema è un altro: mi sento in colpa. Ho la sensazione di non essere stata abbastanza per lui e che, anche per questo motivo, abbia intrapreso di nuovo questa strada. Dieci anni fa era riuscito a smettere di usare cocaina.
Mi ha sempre chiesto soldi in prestito e me li ha sempre restituiti. Adesso, però, non gli do più denaro. Usa la mia carta per comprare sigarette e altre piccole cose, e lo fa con estrema naturalezza. Inoltre, in diverse occasioni non gli ho nemmeno chiesto indietro i soldi delle sigarette pagate con la mia carta e ho l’impressione che quello che sta spendendo in questi giorni non abbia alcuna intenzione di restituirmelo.
Non so cosa fare. Mi dice che è sobrio da venti giorni, ma faccio fatica a credergli. Sabato scorso ha avuto una crisi: mi scriveva che si odiava, che avrei dovuto lasciarlo e trovarmi un altro uomo, che voleva morire e altre cose del genere.
Mi rendo conto che questa relazione non ha un futuro. Inoltre, abbiamo appena cinque minuti di contatto al giorno: io seguo le lezioni per otto ore, quando finisco lui è a lezione, e quando finisce lui io sto già dormendo. Non viviamo insieme e ultimamente ci vediamo una sola volta al mese.
Quello che vi chiedo è un consiglio: cosa fareste al mio posto? Se lo lasciassi proprio adesso e gli succedesse qualcosa, so che non riuscirei mai a perdonarmelo. Allo stesso tempo, però, sono consapevole che questa relazione deve finire. Ormai sembra più un rapporto tra madre e figlio che una relazione tra un uomo e una donna.

Hey Guys,

I was wondering, if it‘s possible to help with the opiod withdrawal with methadon. I‘m on day 4 and the restless legs are something else. It seems kinda paradox that you can help with the withdrawals with an opioid to me.

When I take 10 days Methadon without other opiods, is it possible that the worst withdrawals are over?

Because that‘s what I was planning to do but is methadon on it self not an Opioid? I saw some post where people took Methadon to get cleen from everything without some harsh withdrawals.

Take care y‘all. :)

The last time I got caught by the cops, was the tipping point to finally getting clean. My drunk mother turned me into the cops while I was at her house, I had been running for over a year. I ran again and they found me bc I hadn't managed to get far. I'm not going to disclose what insanity ensued that first 10 minutes after I saw the cop car but just know it helped back my mother up on what she did next because Before I even got to the police station my mom had a judge awake in the middle of the night to slap a 96 hour old on me. I sat in jail exactly one night bc that hold went out, one county that had a warrant on me dropped it completely the other agreed to sit on theirs so I could go receive "mental evaluation" and treatment. The county that "sat" on their warrant is the one that picked me up from the county I was in to go to see if they needed to admit to the psych ward I remember sitting there with the officer and telling him "I promise you, they are keeping me" how did I know this? Bc this is the exact tactic my mother had used when I was 19 to get me clean the first time she made up whatever she had to to get a protective order on me and put me in an institution. I was now 32 about to turn 33. They did in fact keep me. I was there for ten days. I was able to come down in a safe environment. The day they transferred me back I called her and told her I was there but she already knew she said she was on her way and this was my hail Mary, I was coming home, I was going to rehab, and we were going to face whatever came out of my court cases I agreed bc there was nothing I wouldn't do to keep from staying in this particular hell hole of a jail. And I had already decided in the psych ward that I was ready to get my shit together and that I was tired of being homeless cold or hot and hungry that I just wanted a normal life back. I knew this likely meant going back to prison for at least 4 years. My mom slapped the cash bond down got me out and sent me to rehab. Bc of the whirlwind speed of which my mom did everything probation and parole was never informed I had been picked up so no p&p hold was ever sent out on me. We got a lawyer. On a random whim, she made me stop by a factory here in town and I walked in to a mass hire event I'm still at that job. I faced court. In one county probation and parole was informed they had found me as the judge was reinstating me, which made the probation officer very visibly irritated bc I had managed to slip through a crack. I know this bc of how many times she said absconded. Near the end of it it was likely I was going to prison for the other county as they would not offer me a plea deal bc I had been such a pain in the ass for this court. (Kept violating probation and running) The week before court I went to grandparents and my sisters graves knowing I wouldn't visit for awhile and prayed said just keep me out of prison mom can't handle me going back to prison I'll never touch meth again I'll do whatever the court asks and I'll get my shit together just pls not prison I genuinely believe it will kill mom. She was battling alcoholism herself and it had hit a critical point and I knew she would drink herself to death if she had to worry everyday about me in prison. I went to court, my lawyer met me at the entrance of the court room with a plea deal (anybody who doesn't believe in divine intervention, I have seen it) 20 days in jail I could do on the weekends so not mess with my new job. I've kept my end of the bargain. I have never touched meth again. Full transparency I smoke marijuana but that's the best treatment for the things wrong with me such as anxiety and cptsd. 4 and half years later I'm clean, promoted at work, my own place, a car, a slightly tight but more comfortable than I've been in decades life, no legal troubles. How i got here, was such random circumstances of chance, and my mother's intuitions. If she hadn't gotten the warrant dropped in one county, hadn't had me out in the psych ward, hadn't done things exactly the way she did it probation and parole would have been informed of my arrest and I would have had a hold on me for absconding and violating probation in two counties after already violating and running several times. I would have gone directly from the jail cell to prison, no court date. Because of how she did it i did not end up back in a system that would have spit out a more terrible version of myself like it did the first time when I was only there for 7 months. Sometimes the craziest way back is that way for a reason.

Side note my mother got clean in June, 3 months after me, right when at my last court date, something tells me she made a deal with the universe too.