Mourning what could have been done sooner, but sometimes the delay favorable. I can't imagine being 17 and trying to tell my dad (or anyone tbh) I'm trans without him crashing out with the rage of 4,000 suns lol

Today’s session was awful.

I explained my background and what I was feeling in the previous 2 sessions, this session was for therapist to start doing his work.

He asked me again and again, whether I like guys or girls, whether I did enjoyed “homosexuality”or not (he focused on that and on me liking guys or not A LOT. He kept making asking whether I had fun with my one night stand with that guy)

He then stated something like a diagnosis. He started stating my experience but in his own way. He was respectful and told me to correct him if he was wrong, but whenever I corrected him he would try to refabric his statement in his own way again.

He stated that I am a guy who was totally ok and normal till 16. When my first sexual encounter was with a boy, I became obsessed with having sex with boys instead of girls. So my mind tried to find an explanation to this other than I had “gay”orientation. This is how it lead me to the idea that I WISH I WAS A GIRL. He was a trying to find a way to justify my orientation regarding my sexuality to society expectations and limitations , so he turned into the idea that if I was I was a girl all my problems would be resolved.

He told me that you don’t have gender dysphoria what so ever because gender dysphoria must and would show signs and appear before puberty. It must appear before having such an experience (being with a boy).

I tried to argue with him but he wouldn’t listen and kept turning my words into evidence for his “diagnosis”.
I told him that even though I had an encounter with “homosexuality”, but I barely think about sexuality at all and I truly don’t care regarding these stuff. I don’t care about sex what so ever. All I think of regarding it is the intimacy.

I told him “I think about amputating my genitalia”, what i really meant was that I wanted to get rid of testosterone influences (whether psychological or physical), but he understood that it is a way for my mind to run away from or stop my sexual urges.

I tried to argue, but he thought I was in the denial phase. His mind was like “Hehehe, case solved, now he is going through the denial phase like they all do, all i need to do now is wait for him to calm down then continue with treating the case.”

I knew he thinks I am in denial and he won’t listen to me and if I fixed or told the truth or edited any detail he would think I am lying to get another diagnosis or my mind is tricking me into remembering things incorrectly or fixing things.

I have to clarify something before you continue. I am very confused about my orientation. What I can say right now is that I think I am a bi girl. I know this isn’t really related to Gender, but my therapist kept connecting these things together so I had to for the session.

Now listen carefully. I tried to edit these ideas for my mind for a long time. The truth is that I hated that night I had with the boy, it hurt me, it gave me anxiety and dysphoria (which I didn’t even understand by then), it was awful.
I tried to edit this idea in my mind because it felt like evidence against me being a girl. So I told the edited truth to the therapist.

And regarding orientation. I actually am not attracted to men as men at all. I find certain characters attractive but I think such a thing is gender neutral or irrelevant. I find certain boys cute when they look more feminine. I don’t feel attracted to masculine characteristics AT ALL. I actually HATE THEM. I fantasize being with a man only and ONLY when I imagine myself in a female body.

But regarding females it is different, almost the complete opposite. I am attracted to shapes (types) and almost all feminine characteristics. I want to spend time and make friends with girls instead of boys. I won’t say I feel sexually attracted towards them either exactly because I hate knowing that they perceive me as a man. But if I want to be honest with you and myself, I am a little more aligned with the statement “sexually attracted to girls” than with “sexually attracted to men”. I try to force myself to like men sometimes just so that I could tell myself “see.. you like men too, so you are a girl” (Again.. I know this isn’t really relevant, but for my therapist and society in general it is).

Another thing I would argue about is that I have never thought about wanting to be a girl or had an urge towards men between 16-18 (my encounter was on 16), which is a time span after the “trauma” the therapist is describing.

On the other hand, ever I was young I felt happy when people included me with women or described me with a feminine phrase. I liked it when people called me cute, when my aunts made me crossdress, when my mother calls describes me as feminine, when my brother tells me ‘stop acting like girls’, when my classmates treat me as the a girl sometimes, when I play with feminine games, when I read a book that defines or differentiates between men and women and find myself lying on the female spectrum, when I get treated as one of the girls, when I act or think in ways most males don’t, when I look more feminine, when I grow hair, when I shave, when people tell me things like “When you were young, you didn’t like to play and fight with the boys, you used to sit and play with the girls instead”, when I am able to cry without getting judged, when I am able to be extra emotional.

I wish I could have menstrual periods. I wish I could have mood swings without being judged. I wish I could grow my hair without being judged eventually. I wish I could care about my skin and hair more often without getting judged. I wish I could sit at the home do house chores and raise my children. I wish I could be a lovely housewife. I wish I could have my ears pierced. I wish I could go with my mother/aunts to women wedding parties and dance. I wish I could dance and train for dancing without being judged. I wish I could wear certain clothes and fabrics. I wish I could care for children and interact with them more freely. I wish I was able to be included in all activities that girls do (for example: clamming hair and doing hair ties, talking about feelings, trying dresses, sharing hobbies without competition, playing soft games, talking about hobbies more openly, gossiping about boys, etc..)

Now I am remembering something. The therapist began his session with question about pain ‘being forced to do something for my own good’ (that is what he meant). From that moment, I knew the path this therapist will take. I knew I wasn’t going to get affirmed this session, or maybe ever.

—Side note, I used quotes on some words to point out that he still sees and thinks of me as a boy.

I'll still take ggd, gladly! I just dont want to OD, this is my 3rd eggirl post in a row

Waiter waiter

Some birthday headpats NOW

Yeah, so much body apathy and confusion. It isn't a good thing but y'know, I'm tired and stuff. I wake up doubting myself and don't stop. Great, constant repression is so awesome.

The numbness has stopped but it's just rampant dysphoria now. Fuck, I despise my chest.

When will I learn? This really is a climb but I'm getting close I can feel it. :3

genuinely my thought process in 7th grade

It's just so disapointing, y'know. I keep hope this is some terrible nightmare, and I will wake in my actual body, but no it is a nightmare, I'm not one. Somehow still can't accept this and it annoys me. Like why can't I fully accept this yet, I did before but now I'm so confused. even tho I just wanna be a girl. I don't wanna be a boy.

I’m feeling very doubtful of myself. I use she/her pronouns, and I think about being a girl a lot. Is that really enough for me to be a girl?

Gawddddddddddd I need to dress like her. Curse you mom. I want my estrogen! Still haven't accepted this but making progress. Being able to recognize it's dysphoria before accepting this is like crazy meta

I have some additions: I just really don't wanna go bald so much that I would take estrogen as a preventitive measure, and I just wanna wear skirts because there cool.

When you finally heard someone clearly and intentionally call you miss!

You ran an order out, you are the only one around!

You just had to talk! STUPID STUPID STUPID!

He told you "thank you, miss," and you just had to tell "Have a good afternoon," only for him to ruin your entire evening!!!

People can talk less, but guess I should too....

the prophecy still stands, eggs are oblivious to every sign until they crack

Art: https://xcancel.com/toho10min/status/1567918205527801857

My primary self-insert OC is canonically transfem and has been for years. Should I be concerned?

That's totally normal cis behaviour right?

:3

Hey everyone, I've got my first therapy session tomorrow. It's so scary because talking about these feelings to a certified psychiatrist feels like a big step in my transition but I'm also kinda excited because I'll be one step closer to who i truly am. Id also like it if anyone could give me any advice or expectations that I need to know before going in.

and i will be ok. but i'll never be the same.

Not sure anyone will get the message I’m sending with a song and the emojis. But it’ll get them thinking 🤔 💭 🧐

I genuinely believe I'm cis as of today.

The character is Lofi Boy from the Lofi Girl channel.

Basically how I felt when I started to realize I'm a girl.

got any name ideas folks?

Omfg they have so much to offer it was so overwhelming to have so much to explore without judgement. They have an IPL machine for community use, a wardrobe where you can try clothes and take anything you like! You can dress how you choose before the support group, then change before going home!
They also all say their pronouns and names every session so you can just change your pronouns/names without having to make an announcement which is super nice.

God they are just so lovely and it’s all done by a charity so it costs me nothing at all.

Holy shit I never expected to feel so accepted and supported.

Shoutout Kaimwolf counselling, absolute saints!!!

Image is of Kiki Rockwell, an absolute baddie who makes so of the best pagan-esc female empowerment music. She’s so cool I love her!