Like I know I don’t pass but the way it can just feel like you get punched in the heart is horrible

'Beware of the pipeline' but it's my persona's transition! The second drawing is what my persona actually looked like before my egg cracked, and the last one is their current design!

Art by me.

Today’s session was awful.

I explained my background and what I was feeling in the previous 2 sessions, this session was for therapist to start doing his work.

He asked me again and again, whether I like guys or girls, whether I did enjoyed “homosexuality”or not (he focused on that and on me liking guys or not A LOT. He kept making asking whether I had fun with my one night stand with that guy)

He then stated something like a diagnosis. He started stating my experience but in his own way. He was respectful and told me to correct him if he was wrong, but whenever I corrected him he would try to refabric his statement in his own way again.

He stated that I am a guy who was totally ok and normal till 16. When my first sexual encounter was with a boy, I became obsessed with having sex with boys instead of girls. So my mind tried to find an explanation to this other than I had “gay”orientation. This is how it lead me to the idea that I WISH I WAS A GIRL. He was a trying to find a way to justify my orientation regarding my sexuality to society expectations and limitations , so he turned into the idea that if I was I was a girl all my problems would be resolved.

He told me that you don’t have gender dysphoria what so ever because gender dysphoria must and would show signs and appear before puberty. It must appear before having such an experience (being with a boy).

I tried to argue with him but he wouldn’t listen and kept turning my words into evidence for his “diagnosis”.
I told him that even though I had an encounter with “homosexuality”, but I barely think about sexuality at all and I truly don’t care regarding these stuff. I don’t care about sex what so ever. All I think of regarding it is the intimacy.

I told him “I think about amputating my genitalia”, what i really meant was that I wanted to get rid of testosterone influences (whether psychological or physical), but he understood that it is a way for my mind to run away from or stop my sexual urges.

I tried to argue, but he thought I was in the denial phase. His mind was like “Hehehe, case solved, now he is going through the denial phase like they all do, all i need to do now is wait for him to calm down then continue with treating the case.”

I knew he thinks I am in denial and he won’t listen to me and if I fixed or told the truth or edited any detail he would think I am lying to get another diagnosis or my mind is tricking me into remembering things incorrectly or fixing things.

I have to clarify something before you continue. I am very confused about my orientation. What I can say right now is that I think I am a bi girl. I know this isn’t really related to Gender, but my therapist kept connecting these things together so I had to for the session.

Now listen carefully. I tried to edit these ideas for my mind for a long time. The truth is that I hated that night I had with the boy, it hurt me, it gave me anxiety and dysphoria (which I didn’t even understand by then), it was awful.
I tried to edit this idea in my mind because it felt like evidence against me being a girl. So I told the edited truth to the therapist.

And regarding orientation. I actually am not attracted to men as men at all. I find certain characters attractive but I think such a thing is gender neutral or irrelevant. I find certain boys cute when they look more feminine. I don’t feel attracted to masculine characteristics AT ALL. I actually HATE THEM. I fantasize being with a man only and ONLY when I imagine myself in a female body.

But regarding females it is different, almost the complete opposite. I am attracted to shapes (types) and almost all feminine characteristics. I want to spend time and make friends with girls instead of boys. I won’t say I feel sexually attracted towards them either exactly because I hate knowing that they perceive me as a man. But if I want to be honest with you and myself, I am a little more aligned with the statement “sexually attracted to girls” than with “sexually attracted to men”. I try to force myself to like men sometimes just so that I could tell myself “see.. you like men too, so you are a girl” (Again.. I know this isn’t really relevant, but for my therapist and society in general it is).

Another thing I would argue about is that I have never thought about wanting to be a girl or had an urge towards men between 16-18 (my encounter was on 16), which is a time span after the “trauma” the therapist is describing.

On the other hand, ever I was young I felt happy when people included me with women or described me with a feminine phrase. I liked it when people called me cute, when my aunts made me crossdress, when my mother calls describes me as feminine, when my brother tells me ‘stop acting like girls’, when my classmates treat me as the a girl sometimes, when I play with feminine games, when I read a book that defines or differentiates between men and women and find myself lying on the female spectrum, when I get treated as one of the girls, when I act or think in ways most males don’t, when I look more feminine, when I grow hair, when I shave, when people tell me things like “When you were young, you didn’t like to play and fight with the boys, you used to sit and play with the girls instead”, when I am able to cry without getting judged, when I am able to be extra emotional.

I wish I could have menstrual periods. I wish I could have mood swings without being judged. I wish I could grow my hair without being judged eventually. I wish I could care about my skin and hair more often without getting judged. I wish I could sit at the home do house chores and raise my children. I wish I could be a lovely housewife. I wish I could have my ears pierced. I wish I could go with my mother/aunts to women wedding parties and dance. I wish I could dance and train for dancing without being judged. I wish I could wear certain clothes and fabrics. I wish I could care for children and interact with them more freely. I wish I was able to be included in all activities that girls do (for example: clamming hair and doing hair ties, talking about feelings, trying dresses, sharing hobbies without competition, playing soft games, talking about hobbies more openly, gossiping about boys, etc..)

Now I am remembering something. The therapist began his session with question about pain ‘being forced to do something for my own good’ (that is what he meant). From that moment, I knew the path this therapist will take. I knew I wasn’t going to get affirmed this session, or maybe ever.

—Side note, I used quotes on some words to point out that he still sees and thinks of me as a boy.

Not sure anyone will get the message I’m sending with a song and the emojis. But it’ll get them thinking 🤔 💭 🧐

I'll still take ggd, gladly! I just dont want to OD, this is my 3rd eggirl post in a row

genuinely my thought process in 7th grade

Waiter waiter

Some birthday headpats NOW

Mourning what could have been done sooner, but sometimes the delay favorable. I can't imagine being 17 and trying to tell my dad (or anyone tbh) I'm trans without him crashing out with the rage of 4,000 suns lol

How I feel after running out of meds for a bit

the prophecy still stands, eggs are oblivious to every sign until they crack

and i will be ok. but i'll never be the same.

No i dont play overwatch anymore and even if i did still play im an Orisa main

Hello everyone. My appointment for HRT is today. My heart is beating loud as hell.

I just wanted to say that even though I've just been lurking here, seeing everyone's posts and reading everyone's nice comments has made me feel a lot better about being who I am. You're all such incredible people.

So, thanks. I love you more than you will ever know, be well.

Basically how I felt when I started to realize I'm a girl.

add a 👽 to your reply because yes

Hey everyone, I've got my first therapy session tomorrow. It's so scary because talking about these feelings to a certified psychiatrist feels like a big step in my transition but I'm also kinda excited because I'll be one step closer to who i truly am. Id also like it if anyone could give me any advice or expectations that I need to know before going in.

Its a long story, sorry about that, but for about 5 years now (I'm 25) I have been "pretending" to be a girl online.

It all started when I was mistaken as a girl by someone online, which made me wonder why, so I started a "social experiment" in which I wouldn't tell people my gender, rather tell them that I was "whatever they preferred treating me like". And for whatever the reason the consensus usually was that I was a girl, which I didn't mind, after all it was part of the "experiment" (I never tried to take advantage of that fact tho)

But eventually I started to be bothered when people assumed/thought or treated me as a boy, and had moments of feeling like a fraud and hating the fact that i wasn't the girl everybody thought. It all exploded around 4 months ago when someone, after I told them "I'm whatever you want", answered with "but what do you want to be?". It was a simple question but after that I had an existencial crisis.

Part of me thinks that im trans, but another tells me that I'm not, that i never experienced the dysphoria others do or having girly hobbies and such, so I can't be Trans and that I'm only convincing myself. And I'm stuck in a state of general confusion and anxiety.

It's such an important turning point in my life and I just wish I was sure about what I am. So I wanted to know if anyone had been through something like this or had any advice?

Like I know I don’t pass but the way it can just feel like you get punched in the heart is horrible

So I'm a trans girl, I don't have a name yet but y'all can call me Nani!

I found out I'm trans a few months ago (december last year) but until june I wasn't out to everybody, just a few close friends. I came out to my sister who sais she already knew and it was fine. But when I came out to my mom, things started going downhill.

She is very supportive, really she is, but she started getting anfry cause she didnt see the "signs" and started saying things like "but you played football, in facr you still do!" And "I think youre beeing influenced by those weird friends you have" and I know she has the best intentions but me being trans is getting to her. She went a week without getting out of bed because her mental health just collapsed as some other things happened at the same time and then she told my dad, without me knowing. (Disclaimer I dont get mad at my mo. for doing this, she needed because she was almost breaking without telling someone who could help. Also theyre divorced.)

My dad hasn't said a thing yet but I can feel the tension. I had brunch with my mom, who again said she thinks im being influenced and that she thinks its weird because I never showed anything fem in my life. But then she told me something worse. She said my dad probably wont talk to me after I come out, that Id probably have to live only with her, but, she is also moving states and I cant go because of work and college. So me, a 20yo girl who makes minimum salary wi have to live alone and probably take my younger sister with me. Im breaking down already and to make things worse I have to wait a whole year to start hrt because my country changes the law about trans people every semester

(Sorry for the long text and bad english :3)