I've always hated my body as long as I can remember, for one reason or another. My chest has always been a constant factor.
I had to start wearing bras in the second grade and by the fourth grade I was wearing a C cup (this was the first time I remember feeling bad about myself). When I was 14 I was wearing a DDD and I remember my doctor asking if I had any pain.
I've always known that I was "big," and just kind of struggled through it, because I don't really see myself as "that big." I'm tall and overweight with a generally large frame, so I just figured they got lost in that and tried to ignore them despite the constant sexualization.
Recently I was tired of the constant spilling out of bras and being unable to find clothes, so I got properly measured and rather than the 38H US I thought I was, I'm a 38L. A 38L! I didn't even realize the alphabet went that high, and I certainly don't feel like I'm that large but the bras fit! I convinced myself that again... I'm tall, overweight, all-around big, so that being that size doesn't really count.
And then I was showing my friend some pictures of my study abroad program and had a very rude awakening. I scrolled to a picture someone had taken of me, and my breasts looked massive. Like, they took up my entire torso. Like truly they were watermelons bolted onto my chest. I didn't remember them looking like that when the picture was taken, and I swear I don't look like that in the mirror. But as I scrolled and looked through other pictures taken of me... it was true. I looked like that in every picture. I always dress plainly and relatively modest, like just jeans and a t-shirt because I've tried to cover myself, and clearly it didn't work.
Needless to say, it was a massive hit to my self-confidence. I always thought I was "big-ish" and not actually big. I thought they got lost in my frame when clearly, they don't. It's all I can think about now. My self-confidence was bad before, and now it feels like it's totally gone. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, I've been wearing the same two shirts each day because they're about 5 sizes too big on me and leaning into the baggy look. I'm extremely asexual and the thought of being sexualized just because of my body which I can't even control makes me feel just so goddamn horrible about myself.
I wish I never saw those pictures. They're priceless memories but I've been tempted to delete them because of how I look. I wish I could be one of those people who thinks "so what, my body doesn't represent who I am" of course it doesn't, but it still weighs on me. And I wish I could just get over it, because men sexualize everything, no matter what, but I've been telling myself that for years and it's never made me feel better.
Genuinely, how can I even start rebuilding my confidence from here (half-rhetorical question)? Is there any way to actually make them look smaller or hide them without sticking to the same two shirts for the rest of my life or getting a reduction?