We used to be active multiple times per day and now he wont touch me. Everything else is fine we still sleep together and talk all the time but as for the bedroom? He wont even do a playful smack in the kitchen anymore... I hope this isnt the beginning of the end...

I 48f had a semi platonic friendship with a guy, late 30s early 40s, I can't quite remember his age. We met locally but he lived in another town not too far away.

I was interested in him romantically at first, but I realised we didn't align romantically and we became just friends, for about a year. He would invite me out often with his mates, we had a great time. We were very aligned in our social life activities. Because we were drinking, I stayed at his after a night out, same bed as he had a studio apartment, and we would cuddle that's it. During the night out, we would sometimes kiss, he was a great kisser so it was always instigated by me. I dont mind casual sex, but i catch feelings, men change their behaviour towards you by treating you disrespectfully and it turns into a problem, so i dont partake in casual sex relationships.

One night, I got too drunk and we had sex. I dont remember any of it. But I was super worried he would change and I wouldn't be able to claw the relationship we had back.

The following night, he messaged me late and said he wanted to come to mine and see me, I told him i wasn't interested in sex, he said that's ok, he just wanted to cuddle. Normally I wouldn't believe that but since that was what it was like before, I believed it and felt super happy thinking we could probably go back to what we had. He said he would be over in an hour. I waited and waited, he didn't show up. It was the start of practically monsoon weather, in California. The roads here dont disperse water well and Californians can't drive very well in rain, especially monsoon level rain. I was up most of the night calling and texting convinced he had an accident. The next day he messaged and said sorry he got stoned and fell asleep. I told him im glad he was ok and didn't message him after that and decided to see how he is moving forward. I didn't hear from him either, so i was right, sex would make him disrespectful. Almost two years later, he messaged me saying he was in my town and wondered if I wanted to join him out. I was on vacation abroad. He said have a good time and I never heard from him after that, which was 2 years ago.

Some months after the vacation conversation, I looked him up on Facebook, he had unfriended me and blocked me.

Today, he sent me a friend request.

My immediate thought is, going backwards never works. But I really enjoyed our friendship. Has anyone been in a similar situation and been able to go back from a situation like this?

I 35M, are in a relationship with my gf (42F). We have been together for just 3 years and I am looking to buy a place closer to that we can all live together. But recently she told me that during a fight we have, she went on match to see what's available last year and she said nothing happened. Since then every time I asked her how she is or what's she is upto, she said that I am a control freak. But then since last week on any days that I am not with her, she has been disappearing for 4 hours in the evening and appears again an hour before bed time. She might text one sentence saying she is busy. And then say that I can't control her life. Though all I asked was how was she and if everything is ok. Have I done something wrong or something is going very wrong here at the moment? I am hurting a lot because of this.

My boyfriend [36M] and I [32F] were apart for about 8 m. (we dated for about 4 m. before) before reconnecting again recently. Before one of the biggest issues (at least for me) was that things moved way too fast. It felt like he skipped the dating stage and jumped straight into wanting to spend almost every day together, and I lost myself a little in the process. I started feeling overwhelmed and like I lost my independence.

When we reconnected, we both agreed that if we were going to do this again, it needed to be different. We said we’d take it slow, actually date each other this time, and let things develop naturally.

Overall, he’s honestly been great. He’s kind, consistent, and communicates. He’s very open about still being deeply in love with me, while I’m still rebuilding that level of trust and emotional closeness. I care about him a lot and can absolutely see a future with him, but I’m not at the same emotional intensity yet. I don’t want to force feelings just because he already has them.

If I decide I want a night to myself or don’t want to hang out, he gets noticeably disappointed.
The thing is… having that space is exactly what I need if this relationship is going to be healthy for me.

If I invite him to something with friends or family, he’ll often ask me multiple times if I’m sure I want him to come. Sometimes he’ll end up coming, but when he does, he mostly stands quietly beside me the whole time instead of really interacting with anyone.

When we do spend time together, it also hasn’t really felt like dating. Most of the time he just asks to come over to my house, and we end up sitting on the couch cuddling while he tells me how much he loves me, how much he missed me, and expresses all of his feelings. As sweet as that sounds, I usually leave those conversations feeling emotionally drained—almost like I have an emotional hangover afterward. I miss actually doing things together and getting to know each other again instead of just talking about our feelings.

I don’t think he’s manipulating me. I genuinely think he just misses me and enjoys being around me. But sometimes it makes me wonder if we’re just wired differently emotionally. I need independence to feel secure, while he seems to feel secure through closeness and reassurance.

So I guess my question is: am I overthinking this because of past relationship experiences, or does this sound like a real compatibility issue? Is it reasonable to expect someone who’s very much in love to be okay with giving more space while rebuilding a relationship, or am I asking for something that’s unfair?

For people who’ve been in similar situations, what would you make of this? Does it sound like we’re simply reconnecting at different speeds, or like we fundamentally have different emotional needs?

My boyfriend & I are in our mid-30s, been together since mid-20s. We have a lot of fun together, similar values, attitudes, political views, etc. Something we've struggled with for years is libido/sexual interest mismatch. I have a higher sex drive and am kinkier. I have struggled with a lot of shame around this as a woman. My boyfriend has a lower libido and tends to prefer more "vanilla" sex. I have tried many times over the years to get him to meet in the middle on this, and while I get a short-term response, it's not sustained without me initiating/reminding/revisiting the convo regularly.

Another thing that I've noticed is how I have an adventure/growth oriented mindset whereas he prefers to have things remain stable and predictable. We balance each other out in a lot of ways, but I wonder if this is a fundamental incapatability that will always have us moving in opposite directions.

We are starting to work through some of this in therapy, but it has been a very slow process laying groundwork and I feel it will be a long time before we get into the real meat and potatoes. In the last 1-2 years, I really started prioritizing myself and my interests. This was to see if my dissatisfaction was related to my self-esteem/insecurities vs the relationship. If anything, this shift affirmed that I'm fulfilled in most facets of my life aside from my romantic relationship.

My boyfriend has been putting in effort in therapy, and wants to work on himself and our sex life. My worry is -- I've put him to task, but I now question my motivation to resolve these issues. I tend to struggle with racing and intrusive thoughts when I'm uneasy, and I have been having a lot of thoughts ​about our relationship ending. These aren't active, intentional thoughts. They are involuntary and repetitive, telling me I would be better alone or that I'd prefer to date casually. I've been having more fantasies and sex dreams not involving my spouse. These thoughts are very troubling and provoke a lot of guilt, and I do my best to redirect/counter/meditate them away. I have a very hard time understanding if this response is "my gut" & instinct telling me to leave, or if it is more of an attachment/anxiety based response.

I love and care about this man so much, I love the life we've built together. Logically, I want to give it all we've got to rescue our relationship. But internally, I'm struggling to regulate while seeing it through. I don't want to give him hope while my brain/nervous system is screaming at me to leave.

TL;DR - finally "working together" on years long intimacy challenges with bf of 10+yrs. Intense thoughts about ending relationship, not sure if this is anxiety or instinct/true feelings.

Has anyone had a similar experience and come out happier on the other end? With or without their spouse? Or a creative 3rd solution? How have you and your spouse worked through sexual incompatibilities? Thanks!

I (39F) moved in with my fiance (41M) about 2 months ago. We've been together 3.5 years. We are still adjusting, as we both lived alone for over a decade. I would say what I like most about living together is feeling physically safer. I remember many nights going to sleep alone and hearing a noise and feeling scared. I also genuinely enjoy his company (most of the time lol) for meals, walks, etc. I also really appreciate the money saved on rent.

Just curious to hear what you all like about living with your partners.

I’m a 48 (f) In a Situationship with 50(m) for 7 months - told me he can’t give me what I want. (This hasn’t ever been discussed)
I was single and not looking for any kind of relationship as had a torturous relationship before - he came to me in my space and started this !
He was really hurt by his ex 4 years ago - I’ve caught big feelings any thoughts ?

My brother (38M) and I (40M) have barely spoken for the last year and a half. I'm not looking for people to tell me my brother is an asshole or tell me I'm one. I'm genuinely trying to understand if my expectations of family are unrealistic or if we've simply grown into two people with very different values.

I know he'd tell this story differently. This is just how I've experienced it.

Growing up and into adulthood, I always believed family had each other's backs. Not because anyone keeps score, but because if someone you love is struggling and you can help, you do.

That was always my approach with my brother.

When he lost jobs, I hired him into my weekend painting business. We split the profits 50/50, and sometimes I actually paid him more than I paid myself because he needed it more. I helped him get three of his last five jobs through people I knew professionally, including the career he's in today. At one point I basically handed him my entire side business while he was between jobs so he could keep earning money.

During COVID his wife was worried about his depression and anxiety. I made a point of dragging him out of the house. We'd golf, build a deck, work on projects... honestly, whatever got him out and around people. I painted both of his houses and paid for the paint. If we were working together, I always bought lunch.

I never once thought of any of this as him owing me something. It never crossed my mind.

Then my own life blew up.

I lost a career I'd spent years building because of a corporate restructuring. While I was trying to rebuild, another salesperson tried to shake me down for under-the-table "consulting" payments if I wanted access to his opportunities. I refused because it was against both companies' ethics policies, and he tried to blacklist me.

It was probably the worst professional period of my life.

I honestly assumed my brother would help if he had the chance.

I asked him a couple of times whether he had any projects where we could work together.

Both times he told me no.

Later, customers I already knew mentioned those exact projects to me. That's how I found out they had existed all along.

That was the moment everything changed for me.

It wasn't that I thought I deserved the work. It was that he'd looked me in the eye and lied.

When I confronted him, the conversation immediately turned into him saying he'd already "paid me back" because he'd thanked me for helping him get his career.

But...I wasn't asking to be paid back.

That honestly confused me because repayment had never entered my mind. I wasn't trying to cash in favors. I just thought that's what family did for each other.

Instead, he went as far as telling coworkers—people I'd actually known longer than he had—not to discuss opportunities in his territory with me.

A while later I called him just because I wanted to check in on him mentally. Instead I got told that my life has always been lucky while his has been nothing but bad luck. He also said I'm rude and condescending. Maybe there are times I've come across that way—I don't know. I can absolutely be sarcastic. But hearing that from him was hard.

Eventually he told me work would never again be part of whatever relationship we had left.

We even tried family mediation. It didn't help.

Now we're at the point where family gatherings feel awkward. At my parents' anniversary he handed me a birthday card, said "here," and walked away. That interaction lasted maybe two seconds, but it pretty much sums up where we are.

The strange thing is that I don't actually care about the work anymore.

What I'm grieving is the realization that I think we define family differently.

To me, helping someone doesn't create a debt. You don't keep score. But if your brother is drowning and you're standing on the dock holding a rope, you throw him the rope.

Maybe that's not how everyone sees it.

So I guess my question is this:

Has anyone else realized that the real problem wasn't one argument, but that you and your sibling had completely different ideas about loyalty and what family means? If you managed to repair it, what changed? If you didn't, how did you eventually make peace with it?

TL;DR: I spent years helping my brother through unemployment, career changes, and personal struggles because I believed that's what family does. When I later went through the hardest period of my own career, I felt he not only refused to help but lied to me about opportunities and became defensive when I raised it. I'm no longer upset about the work itself—I'm struggling with the realization that we may simply have completely different definitions of family loyalty.

i am 51/F in a relationship with 55/M. We’ve been together approximately 4 years. I work for a larger company and was promoted to a new position. In the new position, I will interact with male co-workers now.

Previously, in the office, there were times where we had lunches, golf outings, etc. I noticed early on that my SO did not like the idea of me attending these events. I started “lying” about various events to keep the peace. I did not lie, I just withheld info because I was getting tired of being accused of flirting, cheating etc.

Recently, he was off and I was working. i text him to tell him I wouldn’t be home for lunch. Month-end and I wanted to complete it before the holiday. He was irritated and made a comment ”what’s for lunch today?” I told him I ate a donut; the truth.

The office was having a lunch, but I honestly, wasn’t going to attend so I could get my work done and go home. When he got irritated, I told him I’d be home shortly( he did make a nice gesture by making me lunch).Doesn’t our higher-up make an unannounced visit before lunch. I felt like I had no choice, but to eat with the group. I ate quickly and went back to work.

i told him all of this, and he does not believe me. I’m a liar and continue to lie about work functions. And now that I’m in a new position, I’m going to be flirting and …. these men. I have zero desire to be with any of these people. They are my friends. They all have families. I messed up by not being honest, but I was tired of being accused of things that weren’t happening. And him dredging up the past with false accusations.

It’s exhausting and I’m tired of trying to keep the peace. I gave him the heads up about functions for the coming week. I was completely honest, and I get the same outcome. Accused of things I’m not or wouldn’t think about doing.

is this relationship even salvageable? I feel like no matter what I do, I’m going to get grief. I refuse to quit my job because of this.

If you were in my situation, what would you do moving forward?

PS - I continually hear “how would you feel if I went to lunch with women?” Part of the problem is he doesn’t understand how larger companyes work and the team building stuff we have. He has always worked where there were 5 or less employees total. I wouldn’t care, because I’d understand it’s his job. He wouldn’t feel the need to have to lie, because I get it, it’s work. ​

How did you get through it all? Those who have been in 10 year relationships especially?

Or is there a special number where you just get married or leave?

I tend to fall for the intense constant communication, and flattery. Now this most recent time caught it early and ended it because I was thinking to myself, how do you like me and care about me so much but you don't know anything about me. So just felt not genuine, or not like actually getting to know someone.

I'm afraid though sometimes now that I will write someone off if they seem too interested. Like what is a healthy balance? I feel like ideally, I'd get to know someone in a group without it being assumed we are talking to date right away.

If you are any very healthy or long-term relationship or marriage, how did your relationship start out and progress?

Together 16 years, married 14 years. This is the pain that me and my husband both choose to carry with us until the day we die, we doesn't need to get better. It just it just so hard. The pain it excruciating. Me and my husband has never been the same since 2019, we both basically plunge into depression since.

Our child died in 2019 when he was just 1.5 years old, he had Periventricular Heterotopia, it a rare condition so most people never heard of it before, it called Periventricular Nodular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes is with my husband, he leaves our child room as is never change a thing, even our toddler DIRTY shoes my husband not let me throw away. Yep. our child DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

Because he is the only son, his mom even told us to try surrogate, he snap back to his mother, he said unless that woman is me (his wife) that carry his child, he rather not have any. He seems perfectly fine with not have a child to carry on his genes, knowing he is the only son.

A dead child can break a marriage, statistics say so too. But it only bond him to me more. He stays married to me despite knowing he will have no offspring.

Maybe it my depression voice talking, but I do feel that he wasted 16 years of his life with me.

This is a very educated man with an University degree at Stanford. With 20 years of experience in his job field. At work hold the Executive position, Executive Vice President of Engineering, with a salary of $450,000 a year (not counting bonus). He can go find another woman easy.
BUT
He tied himself to me and to a dead child, than go find his happiness with a better wife and a healthy child to carry on his genes.

Depression is very real too, which we both have. I do not think there ever be true happiness for both me and him anymore. But at least we always have each others.

I know I have depression. He on the other hand said he never think of continue living without me, he said if I die before him, he will die with me and our toddler (whom already dead).

Together for 3 years [M36 + F30]. Pretty much from the get-go there was a weird cycle of argues/conflict. I thought it was because of her anxiety and lack of experience with stable relationships which should get better over time. Sadly, it seems pretty recurring. Quiet period (the good ones), sometimes some remarks that land weird with me but I don't react and let it slide, until eventually one snags and I react back with a sharper or more serious tone. The remarks are usually about the household or things I (don't) do but then slowly creep into personal attack territory where my hobbies or my person become part of the thing. Things escalate until eventually I just leave the discussion because its like talking to a wall. Afterwards I'm completely drained while she regrets her actions, and tries to mend things and be clingy with me while I just ask for space and time.

I dont really know how to move forward now. Recently, she asked me for advice on a salary negotiation, and it ended the same way: my tone is off, I'm too serious, and so on. I'm having a hard time getting it to be honest. Now that something snapped in me, and I've felt more drained then ever for the past 2 weeks. I started connecting the dots between these cycles. I feel like I've been trying to make myself smaller and smaller at home, just to fit to her without success. I went into this relationship looking for stability. I understand friction can happen, but my view on this doesn't align with what I live. Trying to reclaim some of that space for myself, just by going on hikes by myself, also results in more trouble brewing.

Now she promises me it will change. That she understands (finally) that this affects and hurts me, which I said anytime such an escalation . All I should give her 6 months to prove herself.

What should I do here? What makes sense? What's my part in this? Has anyone similar experiences?

My(f36) partner (M33) is a gamer. We don't live together but he's at my house pretty much 24/7.

He doesn't help at all with any house work, as none of it is his mess (they were his words). He cooks but I end up washing the pots.

I was away for roughly 2 days, he stayed at mine. And he didn't do house work. The bin needed emptying as there were flies as I walked in, the sides weren't wiped down, no hoovering done. And his excuse was he was gaming and he can do what he wants and he never used downstairs apart from cooking stuff.

All I ask if for something to be done and then game to your heart's content. Is he just a massive man child or am I asking for too much?

I really need some outside perspective because I feel completely stuck.

I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, and I love him deeply. The problem isn't that he doesn't want to spend time with me. It's that life seems to leave him with almost none.

He works long hours during the week. Every other weekend he has his kids here at our house, so those weekends are pretty much completely taken up. The weekends in between are spent caring for his mum, who is very seriously ill and needs a lot of help. He stays with her the whole weekend.

That means we basically never get a weekend alone anymore. We see each other during the week sometimes, but it's usually just an evening, and by then we're both tired. I really miss having uninterrupted quality time together. I miss waking up next to him, making breakfast together, going for walks, just having time where we don't have to rush.

I feel guilty for even struggling with this because I know none of this is his fault. His mum genuinely needs him, and of course his children come first. But I also don't know how to be in a relationship where there never seems to be space for us.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you cope? Is there a way to make a relationship like this work without feeling lonely all the time? I'd really appreciate any advice or experiences.

I’m 30F and my boyfriend is 31M. We’ve been together almost five years. We’re both from Madrid and moved to the Netherlands after a year of dating. We only started living together a bit over a year ago.

He’s a genuinely good guy — kind, caring, responsible, helps with chores, treats my friends well, and I know he loves me and would never cheat on me. But for the past year I’ve felt myself drifting away from him, and living together has made certain things impossible to ignore.

I don’t feel close to him anymore. I don’t feel attracted to him. Sex feels like something I have to “get through,” and I hate that. I don’t know if this is normal after five years or if it’s a sign that something is fundamentally off, but it’s making me feel even more disconnected.

And now that the “in love” phase is gone, I’m seeing him for who he actually is. He’s well educated but very plain. No charm, not very interesting, kind of basic. Some habits genuinely bother me — like eating with his mouth open — and I can’t unsee them. I get irritated by things I never noticed before.

We also have different ways of seeing life. I’ve always worked hard, been independent, and we split everything 50/50. Once we talked about women not working after having kids, and I said I might want that or maybe part‑time. He basically told me I need to be realistic because I’ll “work for the rest of my life,” and asked why the family should use his money if I don’t work. Then he said maybe he could stay home while I work. I found that so absurd and so far from the future I imagine.

He also gets weirdly defensive about money. He invests, and sometimes I see his brokerage app open. If I ask how much he made, he hides the screen. But then he pays for dinner once a month and buys me small gifts, so he’s not stingy — just closed off.

I feel stuck. I’m at an age where I’m supposed to be building a life with someone, or at least moving toward that. And deep down I know I’m not where I want to be. I don’t feel excited imagining marriage or kids with him. It feels like settling. And that thought makes me panic.

But then I feel guilty. He’s a good man. He respects me. He cares about me. We have fun together and can be silly. But I don’t feel romantically involved anymore. I’m not sweet with him like I used to be. I feel far away from him, and it breaks my heart because I don’t want to hurt him. I would never cheat or do anything cruel, but I know I’m not being the best girlfriend either because I’m just… not there emotionally.

And now I’m stuck in this loop:
Should I stay and try to make it work?
Am I being ridiculous or delusional thinking I could find someone loving, charming, respectful, and financially supportive — someone who fits the life I imagine?
Or is what I have already “good enough,” and I’m just too picky or blind to how lucky I am?
What if I leave and regret it?

TL;DR - I feel distant in my relationship but my boyfriend is a great guy.

I need some honest opinion about this relationship. I’m in. So we work in the same school but just different departments I met this girl a couple of months after my divorce and it’s been intense. You’ve been going out you’ve been doing things like a couple. We’re basically a couple without the title 3weeks ago it got so intense that she basically got cold feet and she told me that she couldn’t be in a relationship with me because she can’t give herself all to me because right now she’s in the masters program. I was like OK she’s all like I really like you and I really care for you. I’m really emotionally invested in everything but my biggest why is that masters program and finishing it so we broke it off and we didn’t talk for three weeks. I never texted her or anything. She’s the one that reached out after three weeks recently she wanted to talk to me, and we legit had a long conversation to the point where we were very intimate so much that we were intimate for like four or five hours. I don’t understand this girl she has that push pull dynamic, where she goes hot and cold on me and I am seeing these little red flags of her being kind of narcissistic too… I really do like this girl, but I don’t know what to think of all this.. one day she loves me one day she doesn’t one day she’ll ask me if I missed her during that time and then I would ask the same question to her and she says you did come across my mind a lot but I was so busy with work and all that I don’t know I feel like maybe I’m being used or trained, but she does tell me that I brighten up her day and she hugs me for hours just hugging me and she tells me that she loves my hugs and she tells me that she has a lot of attachment and comfort with me.. I don’t know where this relationship will lead, but I would love to hear what women think about this. Is she playing me or what

What does that even mean? To me, it's encouraging ppl to quit trying to fix their relationships..and just go try with someone new.. !!

In my last relationship, it was LDR.. i was the kind of girl ..if my partner was in a shitty place and really needed me, i would drop everything and travel to be with him .

It's breaking my heart and making me lose hope in all this dating/love wtever thing..

Coz as a 37 female.. I've never dated a man who would drop everything to come and be next to me !!

Am always putting more effort until I am drained.

My friends always tell me to change!!

But isn't love supposed to be like this?

My boyfriend has been unemployed for as long as I've known him. We are both 36 now, and we met slightly before the pandemic, and then the pandemic made it really hard for him to find jobs and he just gave up altogether.

Should we break up so he feels free to do what he wants? We've been living together for 5 years but he has very loving parents that would be happy to have him back, and would support him in ways I cannot.

Sometimes I have insane work stress and he says I stress him out too much. Sometimes I break down after work and he absorbs my emotions so much he cannot sleep that night. I know I'm holding him back because he has to take care of me.

Should we break up? I don't want to be abusive and hurt his health.

We (39F & 50M, together 3 years) are arranging summer holiday. I have limited budget for this. I have told him to book flight and hotels a few weeks prior to avoid stress and expensive price. I even need to set due date.

He told me his preferences.I have arranged our itinerary and picked some hotels base on this. All we need to do is to book the hotels. Later, he said something else. He wants to stay in more expensive area which probably he has been to with his ex.

We went to X island for holiday last year. He said never been there with his ex. However, his mom asked how many times (one or two times) he went there with her.

I want to pay nothing if we go to the place that I don't want to. His last minutes behavior also unacceptable. If I pay nothing, his parents will look down on me. What should I do? I know there is no hope in this relationship.

I'm a 47F that is trying to date a 43M. (A little back story: I have been single for years since my last bf died in 2022. I am living alone since having people living with me for awhile. They were roommates from hell and glad that it's over.) OK now this guy that lives 3 hrs away wants to be in my life. I am trying to explain that I'm just getting back out there dating and want to take things slow. He wants a situation like this instant Bonnie and Clyde ride or die intense relationship. This feels a little lop-sided to me because it's always him pointing out things that I can do with no reciprocation from him. I said let's compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.

It has been a constant back and forth with him getting on my case that I'm not affectionate and very distant and cold with him when talking on the phone. I'm thinking that how can I be affectionate when I have only seen him 2 times in a 2 week period (mind you, no sex). I feel like I'm just learning him and how does he expect all this affection in such a short time and over the phone.

Next problem is that he lives with his parents for whatever reason and claims he and his mom are bumping heads and he has to leave. Now I ask him what is he going to do, what are his plans, and trying to find out what is going on. He instantly gets upset with me because I have not offered for him to come crash at my place. I didn't even consider that because I'm like I have only met this guy twice and I'm not ready to have another person in my house possibly not contributing to anything.

Am I being too cold for not offering or should I just leave this situation alone?

Hi everyone. I'm in my early 30s and have been with my partner for almost 13 years. We have 3 children together, and we've built a life over a long period of time.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of self-reflection, and it's been both eye-opening and overwhelming.

I'm realizing that some things I used to think were simply fantasies or preferences might actually be deeper relationship needs. Not because I suddenly changed overnight, but because I understand myself better now than I did in my early 20s.

For me, it's less about specific acts and more about feeling emotionally safe, pursued, desired, and having a partner who confidently takes initiative sometimes. I think those things help me feel deeply connected.

My partner has told me that some of those behaviors just aren't naturally who he is, and I respect that. At the same time, I'm wrestling with the difference between asking someone to become someone they're not versus hoping we can both learn new ways to connect and become more compatible.

I'm NOT looking for people to tell me to leave or stay. I'm genuinely trying to understand myself.

So I'd love to hear from women who've been through something similar:

Did you discover relationship needs later in life that surprised you?

How did you know they were genuine needs and not just passing feelings?

Were those needs something you and your partner were able to grow into together?

Looking back, what helped you understand yourself the most?

I appreciate any thoughtful perspectives. I'm trying to approach this with curiosity rather than judgment.

So, I now a 31 F went through a very abusive relationship every form of abuse occurred even up until I was 3m pregnant. Once I finally left, I have been raising my son on my own now since 2019. I was terrified to date again. Not wanting to bring randoms in and out of my son’s life, so I didn’t.

October 2024 that all changed and I met a now 33 M man. He had a steady job, car, good family, we both liked smoking and same sense of humor same values and ideologies. Blah blah. He also is kinda straight edge, and I’m not at all. He has no trauma besides his parents divorcing when he was 17. He has no only ever had three other serious relationships before me. The one before me ended June 2024 which was very close to us getting together. He said I wasn’t a rebound and that relationship was dead before it actually ended which knowing him now I can see. She had a child though and he didn’t seem to enjoy her child or the way she parented.

However, he claimed to love my son and how I parent. We moved pretty quickly but which isn’t strange for me being love bombed my entire life, but it was still more slow. And I definitely kept grappling with the feelings that someone else had loved me harder I felt more seen more loved- like I didn’t have to ask him how to love me or tell him to do things that he should just want to do. But this was safe right? I had some peace, consistency, and anytime I did muster up the courage to confess he responded with actions. Slow but actions none the less.

Fast forward to July 2026 and we have lived together almost a year now and we just found out I’m pregnant. He’s been trying to be more comforting but I’m just a mess here lately and overthinking everything.

Did this man just pick me because he knew I’d be a good mother and he could just continue to do what he wants or is this someone who really wanted to do this with me. and he says yes but sometimes he’s so cold. And only now is he truly talking about being married so it that just because I’m pregnant? And sometimes I wonder if it’s just my past and me being traumatized by my first pregnancy alone. Any advice? Is this just me finally being with a “typical man” help me man brains.