Hi everyone!
First of all, I should mention that I’m a Spanish speaker. The Spanish-speaking trans community on Reddit feels pretty abandoned. My English isn’t very good, so I translated this using what little I know of the language plus some help from AI. I’m sorry if some parts come out confusing or unclear, but I really needed to get this off my chest.
I wanted to share a bit of what my experience has been like these past few years and how it’s been a really wild journey of self-discovery.
First off — and this might sound strange — I’m a cisgender man. I know, I know… but please let me explain.
Just like many people in the community, I’ve had an interest in feminine things since I was a child. I LOVE SKIRTS, like, obsessively. I adore women’s clothing, makeup, and everything associated with femininity. I apologize in advance; I know gender roles and the things we associate with men and women are a complicated and nuanced topic, but I didn’t know how else to explain it.
As I grew up, I started realizing how comfortable I felt with everything related to femininity. Every time I walked past a clothing store, I couldn’t help but stare at the skirts, dresses, blouses, bikinis… all of it. Inside, I felt this deep sense of relaxation — it was weird, like a warm feeling of comfort, the same as when you eat your favorite meal or discover a song you instantly love.
At school, I was envious of the girls. Seeing them in their uniforms, their skirts, their hairstyles, and their subtle makeup — I won’t lie, it made me feel a bit of envy.
There were times when I dreamed I was a girl, and it was the best feeling in the world. I’d wake up happy and stay in a great mood all day. Of course, it didn’t happen very often, but when it did, it was pure euphoria.
As a kid, I’d look at the girls’ toys and it felt strange that I wasn’t allowed to play with them. I would have given anything to play with a Barbie.
It might sound like I had everything figured out for a long time, but surprisingly, that wasn’t the case. Like many others, I was unsure. I would push those feelings and emotions away immediately and not give them any space in my mind. Not because I thought they were wrong, but because I assumed they were just fleeting thoughts.
Shows like Ranma ½ were a big deal for me too. If you’ve seen the anime, you know exactly what I mean. Any show or movie where the protagonist or a character transformed or cross-dressed as a woman absolutely fascinated me. In video games, I always chose female characters, and I have tons of feminine skins in online games — many of them my favorites. Again, it was that same unexplained comfort.
I know the trans experience is incredibly broad — it’s a huge spectrum — and it’s not limited to the things I’ve mentioned. I’m probably forgetting other anecdotes, so I’m sorry if this comes across as simplistic or superficial.
Yes, I believe there was some gender dysphoria; I just didn’t recognize it. In the end, I was just a clueless guy ignoring what his mind was trying to tell him.
I shared a room with my sister. I don’t remember exactly how it happened or what I was thinking, but one day when I was home alone, I took a bunch of her clothes and put them on. Whoa. That feeling of comfort I mentioned? It was multiplied by twenty. I did it many more times after that — skirts, shorts, blouses, dresses, and more. It was incredible.
Disclaimer: I never wore my sister’s underwear. Even I knew where the boundaries were.
The strangest part is that I still didn’t fully realize what was going on. I completely ignored it. At one point I even thought I might be a crossdresser, and honestly, the idea made me uncomfortable. Stupid prejudices, I know — and I’m sorry — but I knew so little back then, and I was still quite young.
Then came the day I finally sat down to organize my thoughts. I was confused, even sad, which was weird. Why was I sad? It didn’t make sense. I started researching whether other people felt the same way and eventually came across the trans identity. Of course I already knew what being trans meant, but surprisingly, that was the first time I really considered it for myself.
I read a lot, watched documentaries, listened to interviews… and wow. It felt like discovering a whole new way of seeing the world. Seeing so many people who decided to change their lives to be happy and feel comfortable was incredibly moving.
That’s when I understood. I think empathy played a huge role, because I saw myself reflected in so many voices and experiences. For the first time, I felt something I had never felt before: identity.
I accepted myself.
I accepted that I am a woman (maybe I always was), that there was nothing wrong with me because other people felt the same way, and that all the prejudice I had toward myself and all the times I ignored my feelings came from someone trapped in their own mind and insecurities. I’m a girl living in a man’s body, and that has always been okay.
Now, as I write this with tears drying in my eyes, there’s a bit of a strange twist, and I hope you don’t judge me for it. This is simply how I feel most comfortable, after thinking deeply about everything around me.
I’ve decided, with complete certainty, that I will not transition. I will remain a man until the end of my days. I understand if anyone reading this far feels disappointed, but I have my reasons.
My parents aren’t strict, but they’re very “old school.” Both of them grew up in a small, somewhat remote town with a kind of religious background, which makes things complicated. On top of that, my dad was a soldier in our country. They’re quite conservative, so I don’t think they would hate me, but it would change our lives forever if I ever made that decision.
With other people I know, there wouldn’t be much of a problem. Luckily, I have good friends. I might tell some of them, and I believe they would support me, but even so, that still wouldn’t change my mind.
Believe me, it’s not because of prejudice or transphobia — I got past that a long time ago. The truth is I’m not brave enough. I don’t have the strength or determination to take that step. My life is built in such a way that the future scares me, especially given how the world is right now. I thought about it many nights lying in bed and realized that even though my identity is different, I’m okay with living as a man. I’m not at war with it, even after many nights of body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. I know it sounds strange — I live in a glass closet — but for some reason, the closet doesn’t feel uncomfortable.
I will live my life this way. Maybe that doubt will always remain — that “what if…?”. I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe one day I’ll change my mind, but I doubt it.
To everyone who has made the decision to transition: I admire you and applaud you with all my heart. You have a courage and bravery that this world desperately needs.
From the bottom of my heart, I hope you are happy, that you live your lives fully, with freedom and, above all, pride. ❤️🩹
No one else knows this. No one — not my parents, not my siblings, not my friends. Nobody. But I needed to get this off my chest and share what I’ve felt all these years. Like I said, I’ve already accepted who I am and what I want to be. I’ve even thought of a name I like. I really like Daniela. I am Daniela.
Be proud, love, live, dance, sing, shout — because there is nothing braver in this world than discovering who you truly are.