I faked DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) for about two years when I was a teenager in the 2010s. Just thinking about it makes me cringe, but I'm going to power through it for this post because I think I have some genuinely useful things to share about the experience and what circumstances led me to make those choices.

I'll start by saying that what I did hurt people and probably gave some folks a very poor impression of DID. Teenager or not, it was a shitty thing to do and I am genuinely sorry for the pain and confusion I caused.

A little backstory on myself at the time... I was a queer, undiagnosed AuDHD kid who didn't really fit in anywhere. My father was highly abusive with narcissistic tendencies. He took up a frankly ridiculous amount of my time with his antics and drained my mother's life savings by keeping her perennially tied up in family court. My mother was homophobic and emotionally unavailable, among other things.

No matter which parent I was with, I always seemed to be doing something wrong just by existing. I didn't have many friends and my support system was nearly nonexistent. In essence, I had no one or place that truly felt like home and no way to express the profound loneliness, rage, and grief of a stolen childhood and unsafe, incompetent caretakers.

In the wake of all this, I slipped further into my own world. I created elaborate fantasies and characters I could turn to for the comfort and stability that I should have been getting from real people. I sustained these fantasies for hours at a time and I got very good at tuning out the rest of the world. (My best guess for what this was is maladaptive daydreaming.)

At some point I fell down an internet rabbit hole and discovered DID. It seemed to mirror some of my symptoms, especially the dissociation and memory issues, which later in life I discovered to be caused by c-PTSD. Being a sad lonely teenager who lived in their own world, I latched onto the diagnosis and started concocting alternate personalities.

In hindsight, I think it was a way for me to explore parts of myself that I didn't feel safe to express as Me. I created a younger alter named Sam who took comfort in children's toys and media. Being Sam gave me the space to experience things I was "too old" for without feeling ashamed. I got to forget my worries for a while and just be a kid.

I created an angry, highly combative alter named Diego who could 'protect the system' in frightening situations. Being Diego, or at least who I thought he should be, was a surprisingly freeing experience at times. I felt brave, powerful, defiant and unafraid. In fact, I slipped into my Diego persona a few times during confrontations with my father. It was still scary, but somehow less so if I thought I was someone else.

There were a few others, but Sam and Diego were the main ones I stuck with. I would interact online with other DID imitators and we found community in our shared delusions, usually through Tumblr, Kik, or Amino.

I won't speak for everyone who fakes DID, I'm sure there are a variety of reasons for resorting to faking an illness. That said, there seem to be a lot of patterns that ran between all of the people I came across in that time.

We were all some flavor of mentally ill and most of us had shitty home lives. Some of them were trans and couldn't bring themselves to admit it. Some of them desperately wanted the attention they were denied IRL, and others used alters as a buffer to express emotions that were deemed unacceptable by the people around them. It gave them an opportunity to escape themselves and all the pain contained within. We raged, we cried, we had breakdowns and threw fits. It was fucked up, but it was the closest thing we had to healing.

Ironically, that sense of community is what got me to eventually stop. It made me realize that what I needed was a group of friends who loved and supported me in spite of my (real) issues. People who let me do the raging and crying when I needed to, just without the façade. 10 years later, it looks like the cycle is happening again with the rise of faking disorders on TikTok.

As outrageous as faking DID is, there's real suffering behind the mask. It doesn't excuse their behavior, but if we learn something from this phenomenon maybe the next generation of sad lonely teens won't have to look back and cringe like I do. Maybe we could actually get them the help they need instead of leaving them adrift, searching for anything to cling to that might make the pain go away.

Thanks for reading.

Ever since I was a kid I have consumed parts of my body. Discharge, scabs, black heads, pee, flesh from wounds, skin, nails, boogers, earwax, ect. I pretty much have tasted every part of the outside of my body. I have tried to stop many times, I’ve used gloves, mouth guards, gum, and bad tasting remedies. I have Dermatillomania, which causes me to violently pick at any “rough” or “textured” spots on my body until they become deep wounds, having this paired with auto cannibalism creates this horrible cycle of biting and picking the bloody flesh from my body and consuming it. I have hundreds of noticeable scars on my hands, arms, and legs from this behavior. I feel like there is nothing that can truly help me. I struggle with immense guilt and self doubt because of my behavior, but stopping only results in a relapse that ends in more damage than before. I feel like there is no escape from this hell, as it only gets worse the older I get.

Long time lurker but first time poster. I'm using an account I made on accident and never thought I'd use, but I feel too ashamed/nervous to post under my main account. 😬

So, the title is pretty self-explanatory. In 2008, I was the "accountant" for one of the main hotels in our city, it's a major chain that we've all likely stayed at or will stay at in our lives. FYI - Hotel accounting is very different from "real" accounting and that is definitely why I got away with it.

We had a major event every summer that basically funds our city... Sort of joking, but people would pay $200-750 per night with a 2-night minimum stay requirement. No one besides me ever reconciled the books, I was always the last person to see or approve anything.

Anyway, the people who stayed at the hotel were considered VIPs due to the event they attended. The typical approach was if someone had a less than stellar stay and complained, we'd refund them at least one night. I had the bright idea to credit my own debit card under real guest profiles... I did this at least 5 times one summer. I cannot remember the exact amount but imagine it was at least $1,500.

So, that's my confession. I feel guilty for my lack of integrity more than stealing from millionaires... And I still think of it randomly and yell at myself because how stupid (but also clever?). 🫤

A few years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who kept private notes on their phone.

They were not hiding anything from me. It was mostly personal thoughts, worries, things they wanted to work on, and small reminders about what made them feel loved or neglected. One night, while they were asleep, I looked through those notes. I told myself I was doing it because I wanted to understand them better, but that was not the honest reason. I was insecure and wanted an advantage. I wanted to know what they were thinking without having to ask and risk hearing something uncomfortable.

After that, I started using what I had read. If they wrote that they felt I never noticed small efforts, I suddenly became better at noticing them. If they wrote that they missed a specific kind of affection, I started doing that exact thing. If they wrote that a certain argument had hurt them more than they admitted, I brought it up later like I had realized it on my own. They thought I was becoming more emotionally aware. I let them believe that.

The relationship eventually ended for other reasons, but they once told me that one of the hardest parts was losing someone who had “finally learned how to understand them.” That sentence still makes me feel sick.

I did not understand them better. I violated their privacy and then used what I found to make myself look like a better partner than I was.

One of my neighbors owned a MASSIVE German shepherd for years, and would quite literally never walk it with a leash; additionally roughly once a month it would break out of their back yard to wreak havoc.

It’s apparent the dog was never trained at all, the dog not once throughout the years was seen listening to any command from the neighbor; it was really more like my neighbor was the dog’s pet.

When I say “massive”, I’m just over 6’6”, and numerous times when I’d be unloading groceries, working in my garage etc; this dog would jump all over me, and it’s paws would lap over my shoulders while scratching TF out of my neck; and nip at my legs if I had groceries.

Throughout the years it killed two smaller dogs, three cats, and mauled a little girl’s face which resulted in her losing half of her nose. The owner is a cop, and the city literally NEVER did anything over the years.

So, one night I ground up roughly 200mg of Oxycodone that had been marinating in my cabinet for a solid year, made a delicious meatball, cooked it, opened it up, poured in the powder, coated it with butter, and then briefly cooked it just to ensure it stayed sealed.

Later that evening I went for a walk, and inconspicuously lobbed the meatball in to the neighbor’s backyard

RIP Striker.

Many years ago now but in short:

I was seeing a girl for 18 months. I then discovered she was cheating on me. I kicked her out and dumped her and she remained with this guy. They met at work.

We both worked in the same city centre and as you do, you start work around the same time. I knew her pattern a bit. Anyway I saw she was with that guy a few times on their way to work.

Anyway I was still pissed off with the whole thing. He knew she was with me. She was just as bad of course. I orchestrated it so that not only would we bump into each other, but that we would do so in an area where I knew there were lots of cctv cameras. Words were said and this guy got aggressive. I remained calm on the surface but the words I said were to wind him up further. I wanted him to attack me in the centre.

He did, I fought him off - in defence. Then I pressed charges against him and gave his work address where the police arrested him on site. He lost his job and has a criminal record.

Sorry for my English it’s not my first language but I am a 19 year old man, I’m 195 cm, overweight and over all just very ugly objectively, which means that I never had any sort of romantic relationship with a girl for pretty much my entire life.

This one day I was just feeling like shit, so I just decided to make a new social media account and also dating app accounts. and I took a pic of some of random guy online who’s the same ethnicity as me.

At some point I started talking to so many girls online, it was literally the best feeling of my life, I had like 30 different girls added in like a week. I know how to talk to people and be funny so it was pretty easy to talk to them, it’s just that unfortunately I never had the opportunity for a girl to want to speak with me because of my bad looks.

I was so happy that I finally got to experience how amazing it feels to talk to girls, but I also felt really guilty for lying, so I’d always un-add the girls right before things got a little escalated so I didn’t hurt their feelings.

This went on for like 3 weeks before I decided to delete everything and stop this.

I know what I did was wrong, I never wanted to deceive or lie to any girls, but It felt amazing to see what I’ve missed out on my entire life

I am 25 now, but back when I was younger (13 years old) I took a bag of my mother's breast milk out of the fridge to try it. I ended up loving the taste of the breast milk and ended up drinking most of it, and what was left I dumped down the toilet and flushed away the evidence. My mother had asked where the breast milk had gone, she asked my father and he said that he didn't know, but she didn't believe him anyway so I got away with it. (it was a complex relationship) They fought over the missing milk for months with my mother thinking that my father was a pervert for drinking the milk. They have since separated and they both still don't know that I was the one who took the milk. I've been wanting to confess to them for years, but I'm worried that it will separate me from the family even more.

Edit- never getting into a relationship and I mean it

I 23f fell in love with this guy.

We used to hold each and be together and love each other. The chemistry was insane and overpowering.

I am a conservative and traditional girl.

He asked me to sleep with him.

The pure love for him was so overpowering. I just wanted to be so close to him. Wtffff

That I did sleep with him and he broke up with me spoon after.

I realized I went against my morals and slept with him and got fucked.

I feel dirty like a dirty whoree, a girl in love slept with a guy because she was in love and now got abandoned.

I got used and thrown. in my religion, premarital sex is a sin and now I am a sinner.

I wish he spared me some dignity and if didn't want to be with me forever haven't shown so much love and asked for sex.

There was no abuse nothing. He just gradually broke up with after sex.

Guess I should have known that people change all the time and one can breakup in the middle of cuddling also but the chemistry was so insane I was literally blind in love.

I use to think I was smart but the feeling of love blinded me. I am ashamed. I am ashamed and now I stay locked in my room. How easily can someone make me feel strong emotions and use me and leave me.

I’m so angry at the price of LIFE and the fact that Blackrock and Vanguard (amongst others) own everything so now at each checkout I flip the bird. Fuck you Coles/Woollies et al and fuck you AI. I FLIP ALL MY BIRDS. Fight me, I can’t wait for this hellscape of this life to be over and no I will not be going towards the light. Allegedly if you don’t want to do this shit again, ignore the light. May all the peace be with you friends. Flip the bird. It’s so comforting.

A friend and I were both interested in the same internal position at work. They were more qualified than I was. They had better relationships with the team, more experience, and honestly, I think they would have done the job better. They were also nervous about applying because they had been rejected for a promotion before and took it very personally.

Instead of encouraging them, I leaned into that fear. I told them the company probably already had someone in mind. I said applying might make them look desperate. I reminded them how badly the last rejection had affected them and framed it like I was protecting their confidence.

I acted concerned, but I knew exactly what I was doing. They decided not to apply. I did. I got the position.

The worst part is that they congratulated me and said they were glad one of us went for it. They even told me later that maybe they had been too afraid to try.

I still work with them. They still trust me. And every time they talk about wanting to be more confident, I think about the fact that I didn’t just take an opportunity. I helped convince them they were safer staying small.

A few years ago, I found a wallet in a parking lot on my way home from work. It had cash, several cards, and an ID. I looked at it for a while and knew the right thing would have been to contact the owner or turn it in.

Instead, I convinced myself that someone else would probably take it if I left it there, so I kept it. I threw away the wallet later and spent the cash over the next few days. I never tried to contact the owner, even though I easily could have.

No one in my life knows I did this. At the time I justified it by telling myself it wasn't a big deal, but as I've gotten older I've realized how stressful and expensive it must have been for that person to replace everything. I still think about it whenever I lose something valuable, and I genuinely regret the decision I made.

The man was abusive, controlling, I wasn’t allowed to have friends, he sold my car years ago so only he could control where I went and when with his car and him driving, he controlled the money despite the last two years being me who worked 3 jobs while he sat at home doing nothing and me who paid all the bills and so much more I could go into, yet somehow my life with him seemed 10x better than it is right now. I had to move home which is embarrassing enough, I haven’t been able to get a job because the remote work market is so saturated and I have no car or month to get a car, I’m barely getting interviews and the ones I have gotten didnt end in a job offer, I have —$1700 to my name, credit cards going into collections and I see no end to this awful struggle in sight. I should’ve stayed, maybe he’ll take me back, at least I had steady income, a place to live that wasn’t my parents and somewhat of an independent life. Or maybe I’d be better off dead, honestly anything but this endless, embarrassing struggle of not being able to find a job and living with my parents for months.

i (18f) live in a very small midwestern town and ive been working at a fast food restaurant for the past year. about 2 months ago, i was adding some of my dayshift coworkers on snapchat and added my 36 year old manager. i was developing a small secret crush on him at the time but it wasn’t something i ever thought could possibly manifest into something real. however, towards the end of may, we starting talking more and more on snap. one night he started flirting with me and i flirted back. then it turned into flirting in person at work. he’d mouth dirty things to me and wink at me and it made me feel so excited that an older man was interested in me.

after a couple weeks of this, of him begging me to come swimming with him or go with him to the park, i finally said i would come over to his house. so on june 1st i did. and we hooked up. and i stayed for several hours until about midnight, when i went home. its important to tell you now that i am in a relationship. i have been since december, and i actually told him this a few minutes after getting there, but it didnt change anything for either of us. so the next week we met up again at his house and the same thing happened. i was prepared for it to become a regular thing. i felt so strongly towards him and he made me feel things i had never felt before. i really liked him and i liked the situation.

then, we planned for a third meetup. i told him id be there at 6, got there at 6, knocked on his door, and he didnt answer. i knocked and knocked and he never answered. i was so confused and upset, i went home and cried so hard i vomited. and this is when everything began to go downhill. he stopped sharing his location with me, so almost every day now i have driven by his house to see if he’s there or if any other car is there. and once there was another car. they were leaving just as i pulled by so i followed them, but must have been too close as they eventually pulled into the walmart parking lot and waited there until i left. i assume it was his ex wife from the bumper stickers.

i have been doing this every day. ive become obsessed with him. i cant go a day without thinking about him. and now, a week ago, he told me we cant see each other anymore because im in a relationship. i begged him and told him id leave my partner for him. he said just think about it. he rarely flirts with me anymore and barely shows any interest but sometimes he still wants me to send nudes or he sends me nudes or compliments me. today he mentioned he was going to the store so i went to the store to look for his car and i found it. i left, and later i went to pull into another store’s parking lot and saw his car again. i decided to park and wait until he came out of a nearby restaurant. after about 20 minutes he came out with a girl. he might have seen me. i followed them until they drive to the nearby park, then i left. i have never cried harder.

this entire experience with him has made me nothing but miserable. i felt so loved so briefly and he keeps me at an arms length and lies to me constantly about everything but acts like if things were different he’d still want me. he is so cold to me and never wants to see me again when just last month he would beg me to come over. i literally feel like im in psychosis over this man. i stalk him and fantasize about him every day. i stalk all his social medias, his kids social medias, ive found out the names of his ex wives and his phone number. im always paranoid that hes hooking up with our other coworkers. i know hes done what he did to me to other girls but i dont care. i never wanted it to end. i just want him back because i feel so alone even in a relationship. now i can see how ive ruined everything for myself. i dont know what will happen next. but i needed to get this off my chest. i feel insane.

So one time my parents forced me to go outside to a family friends house for a party when I was in the 5th grade. All I wanted to do was play video games all day so going outside made me angry. We spent like 2 hours there and I was extremely angry at how much of my time was wasted. I then went into the downstairs guest bathroom that all the guests were using and mixed my pee in the soap container. Nobody knew and they were all washing their hands with it.

For context: My mom has this friend (I'll call Stacy) who she's known before I was born, they are still very good friends, Stacy has a older son who (I'll call John), a younger son (I'll call Mark), daughter who I'll just refer to as their sister and a husband was always at work barely even met him.

Back then I (male) was like 3 to 5 (can't really remember the age all i know i didn't go to school yet), used to go with my mom to Stacy's house and I'd play with Mark (he was at least 5 years older than me), he wasn't always available because he used to go play football a lot with the neighborhood kids(My mom wouldn't let me go play with them) , my mom and Stacy along with more women from our neighborhood started meeting more often, they'd meet up about 3 times a week.

At some point, John started showing up sometimes he would join in the conversations or even play cards with the women, then he invited me to play on his computer (To be more exact this was a family computer in the living room, I believe the game was gta liberty city) I was very thrilled to play considering at that age all I cared about was playing and having fun, so I started to ask myself to go over to play, all I had was a old tablet that barely ran anything and John introduced to a whole world of games.

The apartment we lived in was 10 min walk away from their house so I could only go in my mom was taking me, then one day in instead of staying in Stacy's apartment the woman decided to go to another woman's apartment (they lived in the same building) and Mark went go to play football and I was left alone with the pc John, at first it was normal I was just playing then John told me to come as he had something to show me, we went to the bathroom where he locked the door, I was a dumb kid looking back because that should've sent a signal to my brain that something bad would happen but I loved John so much he was like my older brother I trusted him and thought nothing of this, he proceeded to remove my pants and yeah I was touched.

I remember telling him "why are we doing this" and "is this really okay?" his response? "Don't you like playing on the computer? so let me do this it makes me happy", after he was done touching me I went back to playing and yeah that was it for that day, over the following months it became a norm to me that John would take me to the bathroom or his room, he'd wait on days when house was empty so he can touch me, but I wish it stopped at touching as he started pulling his pants off and "teaching stuff" I shouldn't be taught as a kid.

Such as what would happen if I make "happy" and how to make him "happy", I felt like I needed to listen because he wouldn't let me play on his computer, it kept going on for months touching, being forced to taste his cum and jerking him off, and one day he didn't take me to the bathroom or his room but in the living room and he locked the door, he told to go to the couch and bend myself where the arm rest is, then he pulled my pants of and tried to force himself on me but it didn't work so he went out and got some sort of oil or something and applied on me then he proceeded to rape me, and it hurt like hell.

He of course told me not to tell anyone and my dumbass kid brain said okay, thing is I wasn't scared as he didn't threaten me I was hurt badly and didn't want it to happen again I trusted him that much, he left me to play on the computer, I couldn't play because all that was in my head was that John hurt me.

That was my breaking point, I stop coming over and I would beg my mom not to take with her, I hated going there. My mom never took me again and eventually they moved far away too, so seeing John again was finally off the table, some times years later I did see John again, like when Mark graduated high school or when their sister finish her bachelor degree, once me and my brother went on a camping trip with my brothers friends and John was there, I can tell in his eyes he knows and remembers.

Now more than a decade later I am grown and have been attending collage in a whole other country, I came back to see my family during the break and Stacy came by to see my mother, after she left i asked my mom how she was, during our conversation she mentioned John was now married for last couple of months not even a full year of marriage and that shit fucking shocked me, I asked more about him and it turns out he's doing really good in life, he has a stable job, a wife and house now.

And I can't lie I feel like killing him, he does not deserve this, not a fucking thing and all my family and his family thinks that he is making his family proud by being a man and a role model to mark and their sister, that is far beyond from the truth, I wish time would go back and I could tell my mom everything.

What sucks even more? he's very good friends with my older brother and he looks up to my brother which even further enrages me because he is nowhere near where my brother is, if my brother knew what he had done he would have killed him.

I do not wish Stacy's family any harm in any way they are good people, but I cant help but feel a need of revenge towards her disgusting and vile son. also if he will have a son or daughter may they never be put in the same situation as no kid should experience this but I can't lie and say I won't feel satisfaction. I can't hide the fact that I do sometimes pray that his son or daughter will face what I had to face from their father or get it even worse, it will make me happy. But although all the trauma that I am wishing upon his kids. I would never like to hear that type of news upon not only them but anyone.

I just really had to get this off my chest and I don't anyone irl to know about this.

A few months ago, a coworker asked if I could stay late and help finish an important project. I wasn't actually busy or dealing with anything urgent—I simply didn't want to spend my evening working. Instead of being honest, I lied and said I had a family emergency so I could leave early without feeling guilty. They ended up finishing everything on their own and looked completely exhausted the next day. They thanked me for letting them know, believing my excuse was real, and that made me feel even worse. No one ever found out that I lied. The more I think about it, the more I realize I chose the easiest option for myself while leaving someone else with extra stress. I could have just said no or explained that I wasn't up for it, but instead I made up a story to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. I still regret doing it, and it's one of those decisions that still bothers me.

It's been about a month and I think that I probably shouldn't have done it. The impulse took over me completely. I wonder if he had any suspicion or just thinks he lost them.

About a year ago, on a hometown page, I was scrolling and found a post that sounded eerily similar to an old friend of mine. I looked on their page, and sure enough, it was them. They even had posted photos of themselves in a subreddit so I knew 100% it was them. We had a falling out and don’t speak anymore, and checking their reddit has almost become compulsive for me. I feel remorseful as it feels like a huge invasion of privacy as I know they feel like their posts are anonymous, but I just can’t seem to stop. They‘ve posted vulnerable rants before regarding their partner and I feel guilty reading their posts.

During my last year in graduate school, I was overwhelmed and couldn't finish my thesis on time to do research. So I ended up copying big chunks from several academic papers that were not popular enough for me to get caught using the plagiarism software at my university. And I graduated, using my degree to advance my whole career.

It has never been discovered. I built a successful career using my credentials which I earned not honestly, and I feel ashamed attending meetings when people assume my knowledge and skills come from honest work. I cannot confess because it is already too late and it will be very difficult for me to explain my situation, but I can't stop thinking about those researchers who never got credit for their hard work.

Hello,

A few weeks ago me and My friends started stealing, and it honestly gave me a feeling a rush I haven’t felt in a long time. It provided an escape from my current mental state and made me feel alive. When I’d steal it would never be big ticket items, and would typically be from(tjmaxx, Ross, Marshalls, Burlington, and target 2 times). Sometimes I’d take one thing or a few, and I’d hit up a few stores. And for that time I was just numb. I’ve recently just felt all this immense guilt and pain for what I’ve done. Among that a fear that I might be charged.

I don’t know why I’m feeling this but maybe this is the universe telling me to stop before I go off the edge.
I don’t know but please let me know your thoughts.

My roommate has been using my makeup, wearing my clothes, and eating my food without asking for months. Since she refused to move out, I decided to pack up and find a new place myself.

I couldn't just leave quietly, though. Right before loading my last box, I dumped fine glitter over literally everything she owns. Good luck getting that out of a carpet or a sweater.

I (40m) was forced into a drug/robbery ring as a teen and I feel horrible about what I did and how I went about it.

This happened back when I was 15-17 years old but wasn’t coherent about my actions because of who it was and what they told me at the time.

Back when I was 15 in 2002, my cousins and I had a very close relationship. We all smoked weed but I knew my cousin had done harder drugs (coke and meth) but had never done them myself at that point. One day he asked me to do him a favor and grab something from a friends house. I didn’t know what it was and when I arrived I was met with the most absurd amount of crack in a cookie form that I have ever seen. I panicked and stuff what I could into my pockets and the rest in my mouth after I wrapped it in plastic wrap. My cousin told me I was helping him and helping my family by bringing in money since we were very poor living in Los Angeles back in the 90’s.

I dropped off his drugs and he handed me $200. Being a broke kid from South Central, who’s been homeless, sexually assaulted and abused most of his life seeing this money made me feel untouchable. I started doing drug movements for him since I was a metal head and most cops were messing with gangsters and drug dealers that fit the profile. And each day I was making close to 4-500 a day at 15.

A few months go by and he hands me a check and tells me to cash it with this ID and withdrawal the money once the checked cleared. What I didn’t know was the checks he was handing me were fake and he was outside verifying them with the bank to cash them instantly but would bounce within a few days. This went on for a few months before a large group of them got caught and it was shit down completely. But the drugs continued.

I continued doing the drug movements for him making several hundred a day. I only had one hiccup and LAPD had stopped me while I was carrying a Universal Studios bag and had about $2000 worth of material on me. I was able to toss it and the cops followed me home to make sure I was telling the truth that I lived in the area. I’ve never ran so fast back to get drugs for payment in my life.

I don’t know what the statute of limitations are but this was over 20 years ago and those who did it were caught and sent to jail while I quit all of that at 17 because my girlfriend (wife now) found out and forced me to change my ways and joined the army shortly after that.

I feel this brought a lot of unnecessary bad karma my way but have since found a better since I was a kid. Thankfully I had a strong person to push me for a better life.

So I’ve leaned from a very early age that I was hyper sexual. I was assaulted when I was younger for about three years and it’s impacted a lot of stuff in my early teen years.

I’ve seen a therapist when this first all happened, but now I’m older and I’m in a committed relationship and sometimes I have the fear that it’s all I think about.

He is happy with our sex life and understands what I’m going through but I feel like I’m always wanting to have and sometimes I’ll do stuff to the point that I’m causing pain to myself because it’s not enough.

I’ve also realized I don’t feel loved if I’m not being sexualized and I fucking hate it.