I’m 20F and was recently formally diagnosed with autism, this did not exactly fall out of the sky.
I was in speech therapy for years as a child and diagnosed with ADHD and situational mutism around age seven. Autism was suggested more than once, but my family compared me to autistic relatives with higher support needs and decided I could not be autistic because I was not “like them.”
My father, 50M, has schizophrenia and strongly influenced that decision. He constantly talked about how he almost ended up in a rest home because he listened to “the people,” meaning medical professionals and taking medications. Because he distrusted professionals and thought labels would hold me back, my guardians did not pursue an autism diagnosis.
So basically, my autistic traits were noticeable enough to annoy everyone, never enough to deserve understanding. That’s just lovely (Sarcasm) .
My father loves conspiracy theories, yelling, talking over people, and giving unsolicited health advice. He picks apart people’s bodies and intelligence, then explains how diet will fix everything. He has called his own mother fat.
Meanwhile, I am already thin, eat well, and do Pilates, so apparently the missing cure for autism is… almonds and stepping in the sun for 30 minutes a day…?
He has a personal Hall of Fame of people he claims to have saved by his own hands. According to him, he helped autistic relatives with diet, he claims he fixed them, helped my aunt through breast cancer, helped his great-grandmother, apparently provides life-changing consultations to strangers in grocery stores. (i am not joking.)
These stories usually appear when someone asks him to stop talking.
Recently, we had company over at my grandmother’s house, where he also lives. I went into the kitchen for food and realized something had mustard on it, which is a major sensory trigger for me. I started shaking and froze while checking the rest of the food.
Then my brain suddenly noticed everything: people talking, appliances running, the ice machine, cars outside, and every other sound in existence. I became extremely overstimulated.
Because we had company, I was already barely speaking and trying to hold myself together. My father came close to me, so I asked him to step away for a second.
Instead, he made it about himself.
He acted like my request was an attack and started talking about how my behavior affects him. We have never really had a back-and-forth conversation. It is more like subscribing to a podcast I cannot pause.
I started crying and went to my room because I needed quiet. He followed me. He always does this. Whenever I say, “We can talk later,” “I don’t want to talk right now,” or “Please leave me alone,” he treats it like a starting pistol.
I told him he was making it worse and to leave. He kept lecturing me while I was crying on the floor. It became my worst meltdown in a long time, and I ended up hitting myself from distress.
During the meltdown, he discussed medication, drugs, rest homes, spirituality, nature, exercise, diet, and the vagus nerve(and so on) He also talked about the autistic traits of mine that make him uncomfortable. Because for some reason me being on the spectrum is all about him.
So while I was having a meltdown, he decided the emergency was how MY autism affected him.(Thanks dad)
The next day, instead of apologizing, he sent me a Google search about the vagus nerve and some emojis. He believes autism is a mental illness and seems to think it can be cured if I fix my diet, exercise more, connect with nature, or adjust my lifestyle. I have explained that autism is a neurodevelopmental disability and that I was born autistic.
My diagnosis did not create these traits; it gave me language for experiences I have had my whole life.
Healthy habits may help anyone feel better, but they will not uninstall autism.
He also regularly tests my intelligence, tells me to “critically think,” breaks apart individual words instead of responding to my actual point, and tells me I am “not slow” or “not the r-word” whenever I do literally anything.
He took one online class involving critical thinking and has apparently been appointed Professor of Every Conversation.
I leave for college again soon, living around him is draining me.. I feel I am constantly bracing for another lecture, conspiracy theory, criticism, or boundary violation.
At this point, I do not know whether I need better autism resources or an industrial-strength pair of noise-canceling headphones.
How do you explain sensory overload, shutdowns, and meltdowns to someone who refuses to listen or have a two-way conversation?
Should I stop trying to make him understand and focus on protecting my energy until I leave?
I would especially appreciate advice from autistic adults whose families dismissed their autism because they were compared to relatives with higher support needs.
TL;DR: I’m 20F and recently diagnosed autistic after signs were dismissed throughout childhood. My 50M father believes autism is a mental illness that can be fixed with diet, exercise, nature, spirituality, and apparently the vagus nerve. During severe sensory overload, I asked him to step away, but he followed me to my room and turned my meltdown into a lecture about himself. He ignores boundaries, questions my intelligence, and thinks he has personally saved everyone he has ever met. I leave for college soon. Do I try to educate him, or just protect my peace?
