Please don't scroll past. If you've been where I am and found your way out, your story could give me—and others reading this—real hope.

How did you recover from chronic fight-or-flight or freeze? What helped the most, and how long did it take?

Even a few sentences could make a huge difference. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. 🙏

So recently my therapist told me that I would continue to have difficulty making friends and meaningful relationships, if I talk about my life experiences.
I’m not sure how to feel about that.

I’ve never set out to tell people about my issues or experiences. But in conversation when people ask questions, what are you supposed to do, lie? Or tell them that you don’t like to talk about anything.

I get it though. Most people don’t know how to sit with or give agency and space for someone with trauma. So does this mean I can only be friends with other people with PTSD and Traumatic Stress?

That’s it, that’s the post

Trauma makes you some sort of second caste of human I swear, you can’t access help and you get bullied for it

I shared my experience about how my parents and siblings would literally beat me up for fun, laugh at me when I was hurting and suffering, triangulate with my brother and turn my whole family against me, and bully me until I became suicidal..and I got downvoted because apparently “abuse is almost always unintentional.” I admit, I shouldn’t have shared my own experience on another’s thread. I was responding to a blanket statement though, because we really can’t make blanket statements about how almost every abuser is unintentional about it, because this is simply not true.

This is so harmful for those of us whose abusers are seriously malicious and cruel people. To say it wasn’t intentional is triggering and I won’t be gaslit into believing otherwise. The only motive my family had to hurt me is the simple fact that I exist. They know/knew what they are/were doing. It was always intentional.

I’m glad there are people out there who have never had to experience such a horrific type of abuse, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Our first instinct should be to protect survivors, not silence them because we can’t wrap our heads around it.

Defending abusers and ganging up against survivors is never the answer.

That's it. That's all I needed, that simple little effort would have saved me so much suffering but no. For most my life hugs have been a rarity, a fantasy. No matter how bad things have gotten, no matter how close I was to skewering myself nobody hugged me. They'd cry, send me to the hospital, get me therapy, put me on illegal medicines but never just put their arms around me and squeeze. Years, I've lived like this for years and I just want it to stop. There's so much wrong with my life that could have been fixed with just a small bit of touch.
why did my parents even have a child if they couldn't be bothered to just hug them?

TW: Neglect, emotional incest.

My mom went through a really traumatic event when I was a toddler, and she neglected me for a long time. She would lock herself in her bedroom, and I just had to kinda fend for myself. I used to wander around a lot in the neighbourhood and hang out with my neighbours.

But then her behaviour sort of shifted, and she intensely fixated on me. My therapist says she parentified me, but I think it was more intense than that.

She would discuss her sex life with me, her finances with me, I slept with her in her bed for years. She would tell me that I'm the only reason she's still alive, that I'm the best person in her life. She has an unhealthy connection to me.

Luckily I moved out four years ago for college, but I still talked to her every day. She would constantly talk about how miserable she is without me, how she would welcome me back into her house at any moment, or how she wants to move to where I live to be closer to me. I told her not to do that because I move to a different place every year due to work and my partner.

She tells me she loves me, and I feel guilty for thinking she's abusive (therapist and my partner say she is). Could she be abusive without knowing it? Whenever I bring up that she's abusive, she says she isn't and things aren't as bad as I remember it.

All my relationships start fine, but then, at a certain point, I start feeling that I am being raped in sex and that I can't do it anymore.

Sometimes, I force myself to do it because lack of sex is one of the things that make relationships end. I try to disconnect myself from the moment, paying attention to the ceiling, counting objects in the room, or just thinking in something else. But my body rejects it and hurts, so sometimes I end up asking the person to stop.

Recently, I realised that, since I lost my virginity, all the times that I do sex I think things like: "I hope it ends soon" or "why this doesn't end." What always comforts me while I'm doing it is the thought that it will end up soon.

My conception of sex is fucked up, but I don't think I can change it anymore.

53 year old man. CPTSD from severe childhood neglect, trauma, and abuse. I've tried 5-6 different meds. Read every book. 4-5 different therapists. EMDR, journaling, psychedelics, prayer, exercise. I still feel like i end up in the same spot, feeling like a 9-year old boy whose scared sh*tless and alone in the world. CAN it get better?

Well as a relatively young man (36) that is in the beginning of navigating what appears to be a steady reintroduction of being purified by fire (therapy), I was recently honest with myself that I would like a healthy relationship with a woman.

Last one I was in resulted in this Ptsd/anxiety situation that is a daily endurance. I noticed just today though that co-regulating with an open, accepting, and attentive person really eases those intense moments that may arise during the day.

I downloaded hinge and well it all seemed so fake and a exercise in showmanship. Deleted it the same day after I tried to 'advertise' myself. Anyways, how do you guys navigate such things? I have a hard time getting close to people let alone a woman, but if theyre open and receptive enough I can see myself opening enough where I can actually enjoy a relationship with a woman. I notice that pornography just has me looking for the woman I was with before and of course I dont want that to become a vice you know?

Tl:dr How does someone in this way of experiencing life even open up to someone in that way? Dating apps and bars seem like the worst places to encounter someone worthwhile.

Going to try and keep this shortish, I'm heading to bed and have this feeling a lot as I toss and turn at night. If people reply, I'll try to respond tomorrow!!

I notice myself feeling frustrated when friends are complaining about having to fix their driveway, when I still use food banks. (Grew up in severe poverty, doing my best to get a leg up but we know cycle repeats itself for so many reasons).
Or that their parents don't understand what the point of them taking Ozempic is (I don't have a family member to be concerned for me so I see the concern as a blessing. My mother committed in 2019, only child, everyone's passed except my deadbeat dad).
Or that their brother is too busy too help them move (I've moved myself into every place w friends since 17).
Idk I just feel like I don't relate to most problems ppl have and it makes me feel.. othered?
Like when people start talking about their trauma (it is trauma based on how they react to it and I validate that), but it's like, their father working a lot, a brother having been mean to them growing up. And we're all attempting to process our "stuff" and soon as I say my mom used to withhold food, make me sleep in her piss, pack a suitcase when I misbehaved, etc the room shifts.
I've done so well to make a "normal" like for myself that I feel like I've like.. assimilated into it to the point where even tho ppl know my childhood was horrific, it's clear that it's not the same and maybe shouldn't be talked about freely like they talk about theirs.
So my brain in either a victim mindset, an envy situation to their issues, whatever it is - I feel unheard and yet selfish in the same breath for being like.. come the fuck on to some my "normy" friends problems?
I know my hyper-independence came from having no other choice but also the average person seems so incompetent and unable to help themselves in any capacity and I resent them bc I wish I could be incompetent! I'd be homeless if I was that carefree. I wish I worried about if I'll get a raise versus "am I going to end up like my mother, dead and alone bc I can't work through my issues enough", etc??
Idk if that all makes sense and curious if anyone who came out the really dark side of CPTSD and now feels like you're cosplaying a normal person and have to keep your opinions on their privledge to yourself to maintain friendship? Is it a shadow thing, an ego? I want to be able to separate the two but man..

So I, like most people, have a pretty messed up life and that got me this and several other letter diagnoses. And recently (over the past few years my memory, active recall, and overall cognitive function has dramatically decreased… I’m curious how I can support it?)

Background:
Deadbeat dad, aggressive step father with PTSD, an insecure mother, having to parent my siblings and take in an unhealthy amount of load at a young age. Fast forward I was traffcked and blackmailed and got into some really bad relationships one with a narcissist who tried to “unalive” me 2 times. And then like the great decision maker I’ve shown myself to be… I became a big fan of the coca and sleeping around.

Therapy has been a joke for me. Every therapist I’ve ever had said I should be a therapist, that I’m so self aware… I get next to nothing. One therapist I had said if he was younger he’d probably be into me??

So now I’m early 30’s and severely messed up, hyper aware and constantly going through my own trauma alone. And I compartmentalize VERY well. I mean I’m telling my darkest truths to reddit and quite literally feel… nothing. Well beside the theme of apathy that is the under current of my life.

But recently I’ve noticed a huge cognitive decline. Sometimes it takes me 20-30 seconds to remember a word… if I remember the word. I lose track of thoughts in sentences. I’ve forgotten arcs of my life. And I know we are all human but this is disproportionate. Trying to have a conversation with me is agonizing - I’m aware. I sound genuinely stupid and like I have no idea what I’m talking about. I could be an EXPERT in a topic and yet the words aren’t there to use to describe/explain.

What sucks is that I used to be a very bright kid. I had a lot of potential and now I feel like the one thing I had going for me in life is also gone. It affects… everything.

I can handle the fact life isn’t perfect and I had a harder hand than some but I also I made my own mistakes… but losing my brain because of it?! I want to go back to school - dropped out because of the trauma and shame- but I know I won’t be able to recall what I’d learn now. Some days feel like I blacked out… and they’re inaccessible just like my vocabulary, just like my childhood memories. And I have a lack of being able to connect with people… I try but I lead from “I”

But I’m slightly better when typing? Can anyone help please? Nootropics? Somatics? EMDR? Lions mane??

I’m willing to try anything - I’m so tired of this

Ps I know I touched a lot of different topics maybe the mess of this post could give you a glimmer of the mess of my mind. Is there hope for the broken brains that have been beat down over and over?

Can't sleep and I'm having strange thoughts lol

They could be deep, major, minor, quirky, silly, mundane, oddly specific, etc changes to your life or yourself as a person

is this a huge trigger for anyone else? I live in a densely populated city, and my house is on the corner of a busy street. not only do I get postal service workers etc knocking on my door, but SO many solicitors too. there’s one group in particular that goes door-to-door every couple of weeks and they will return to the same door 3-4 times per day, standing there knocking every minute for like 5 minutes each time.

I don’t think it’s a trigger that comes from any particular traumatic experience. it’s more of a feeling that my peace and privacy are being threatened. like I feel so exposed, I never answer the door and instead just sit silently in fear, holding my breath. then I’m on high alert for at least an hour afterwards, expecting them to kick my door down or something.

is this a common experience for y’all? I feel ridiculous because it’s probably just a girl scout or something, but a simple knock on my door will easily ruin my entire day 🫠

Sometimes we will just be talking or I'll just see him in my dream. But he is there everynight, I'm not even dating him in my dreams he just is always there? I don't know if the nightmare itself is supposed to be scary but its scary enough seeing him.

Does anyone else get that?

Been having a re-occuring bad dreams recently of my friend being good friend with my abuser - excusing all his actions and discrediting me in the process.

I have these weird reflexes where I immediately cry, flinch, or advert my gaze away whenever I see items like baby bottles or pacifiers. I react negatively to it, most of the time I burst into tears. I don't understand what caused these reactions in the first place. ​​​​

A few days ago I went out with my girlfriend, stopping by an aisle looking at some beverages, she ​​showed me a Korean yoghurt drink in the shape of a baby bottle and I immediately broke into tears. It was devastating.

I experienced these reactions for a while now, if I remember correctly I begin feeling really uneasy and disturbed by baby items ​​​​​at a very young age. And if you're wondering, no, I love children, I'm not afraid of children.

I decided tonight was the night. My reasons and my story are for another time. A kind voiced guy spoke to me named Simon. I crumbled. Told him my plan, talked about my letters, told him most of my story.

Tonight was a turning point for me. I feel inherently different. I was lucid, ready to call it a day on this thing called life. Simon talked to me for over two hours. I don't know if I'm out of the woods yet, but I do know at least for tonight, I listened and turned my car around.

Your struggles belong to you. They are not there to be good to you, they're there to weigh you down until you want to lie down and accept it's crushing you. I can't be your angel on your shoulder telling you to turn your own car around. I can tell you, however, that the pain and the hurt you live with every day is not unique to you. It's not unique to you and there are people out there willing to talk you through your pain for just a little while. Even if it's just to sit with you. Sometimes all you need is someone who isn't hurting you. Just someone to listen. I can be that for others but I have no one to be that for me and that's fine, that's cool, not fretting that. Just remind yourself that there are people who want to sit with you in your darkest moments and won't kick you while you're down. You might not feel loved, you might not even be loved on a regular basis, but someone loves you, even if it's a simple love of being there and being patient.

I told him what I'll tell you. I don't know if I won't want to finish what I started tomorrow. I don't know what tomorrow brings at all. But tonight, I turned the car around and for now, that's enough.

No one helped me when I needed it. No one did anything to stop the abuse that lasted years. There was no "divine" intervention, no coincidences. The abusers got their happy ending, while I only got ill at age 12. I did my best effort to belong, to be empathetic, to help, to be the best student, those are the things people expect of you. And nothing happened. I didn't got anything, it did not assured anything for me, it didn't even helped me to get a job or to do something for my life. Time wasted.

Did my best with friends, and I only got more hurt. Trusted them, my dreams, myself, and they just discarded me. I suffered for so long, and nothing cared. My family did not cared about me, and eventually I stopped telling them my problems because they always blamed me. I never had friends in my life, I was bullied, and now as an adult I'm completely alone.

I used to have dreams, despite of all. I used to feel "alive", and used to love music. I used to be "whimsy". Loved musicals, loved series of fiction...and yet, no one cared. My dreams were discarded one by one. No one saw me, and I was invisible to everyone. And the more I kept being abused, I lost my happiness and my innocence. They robbed me of my world.

The world has never felt the same way. I feel like the world kept going without me. Nothing feels like home anymore. Nothing feels innocent, or good. Just symptom after symptom, my body still hurts, and it's trauma reaction after trauma reaction. The worse is feeling like there's nothing I can do about it other than accept it.

But if I say I feel like I feel completely betrayed by the world, people just tell me I'm irrational, that my CPTSD is not making me "see things clearly", that life is so beautiful and I just need to see it. But it's not true, I have to live with the reality that indeed my life is awful and that's something that can't be changed.

I am the partner of someone with cPTSD and I’m just wanting to understand them better however they aren’t very open about it. I understand everyone is different but I’d appreciate ANY insight that isn’t just google stuff. TIA

I'm really struggling with this and could use some help. I've just started therapy and plan to ask my therapist for ideas but I don't see them until next week and the need is pretty immediate.

(I hope it's ok to ask this and I'm not triggering anyone. I didn't specify the type of trauma to avoid that but if this isn't allowed please let me know. Thanks in advance.)

CONTEXT

My husband knows my diagnosis/what caused it and is very supportive. That being said he struggles at times to understand my behavior, especially around hypervigilance and feeling safe. And I'm having trouble explaining it to him.

Without going into detail the flashbacks I'm experiencing mean I don't feel safe anywhere, including all the places that used to be my go to's (like specific spaces in our home).

WHAT I'M STRUGGLING TO EXPLAIN

* The events occurred a long time ago in a different place, so it's difficult to explain how that means feeling unsafe where we live now (e.g. feeling unsafe in a room in our home vs the room where the events actually happened).

* Why I felt safe somewhere a month ago (like a mall or coffee shop) but today just walking into the space can trigger an anxiety attack.

* Why the reaction isn't consistent - so why some days I can handle being in a space and others I can't.

* Why going outside is an issue when the person who hurt me is hours away and physically incapable of hurting me anymore.

Maybe I'm just nuts and no one else has these reactions to things that happened years ago but I'm really hoping someone else knows what I'm talking about because I have no idea how to explain this. Any ideas are appreciated.

Every time I drag my half dead body to safety it starts breaking down like a shitty car

Life after years of childhood trauma

I really hope someone recgonizes this. Because i feel so lonely in this feeling. After years and years of csa and childhood trauma. I am now 30. Besides that it still haunts me through flashbacks, nightmares and having cptsd. I feel no one understand what its like to live in a world like this.
Where my therapist says "you are safe now"
But where i think, have you looked outside this room for a moment. Yes maybe it not happen the moment i step one foot outside. but society is not safe!

My inbox on socials is not even safe.
Random men just sending dms.

I feel overlooked how real unsafety espicially for feminine presenting people. And the Lgbtq comunnity.

It makes me angry. How can i heal in a society like this?
Where survivors of SA. Are not taken seriously when then feel unsafe. Its not in our head. Its real!

I try to word it to make it understandable. But it didnt really came it how i want it.
Hope someone knows how i mean it.