Just putting this here, the aspect of evil. How it permeates consciousness and is a plague on humanity. I think we've all had this experience, and am pretty sure it never started with birth but way, way before. Two-three generations, maybe 4, and that energy just passes down the generational highway via DNA and nuance, one day arriving in the minds of 2 individuals who have intercourse and 9 months later, after marinating in a womb rife with cortisol and ambivalence, hearing the screams and feeling the pain via all of those genes that move from mother to infant and back again in a exchange of vital information of who is experiencing what, to be born into a world of trauma and essentially thereafter being a magnet for all that may be construed as evil. Why? Existentially why? Let's get straight down into it. My feeling, as an alien anomaly, is that we're here to transform that. Let the downvoting commence. But here is the pov as given by tptb:

Nothing happens arbitrarily. Everything has the sole/soul purpose of becoming light. That is the plan. We're the gatherers of the sparks that have fallen so low, so terribly soaked in horror that only a specific few have the capacity to mine them out. Guess what those triggers of venturing there are called? Yeah - repeated trauma. Why are we traumatized? Because it's a normal response to evil. Repeated interactions with the evil we're here on this planet, on the lowest level, in the darkest place, with no filters and only the faintest of memory of who we actually are. We are essentially, to reframe CPTSD - Miners of light. Triggered to the gills from evil in its rawest manifestations residing mostly now on the mental level. That is it. Find the light within the evil, embody the refined energy that comes from trans-formation, and that is what is known as Good. Clearing it now from memory is the job. At least now it's been named.

Hope you have a safe journey.

Does anyone else here have a 10/10 ACE score? An ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score is a tally of traumatic events experienced before age 18, ranging from 0 to 10. And I check off all of them. 😔

It's 4:43 a.m. and I kept talking to myself about all my trauma memories for like 5 hrs, I'm playing game but I start having those memories flash back, so I have to stop the game every now and then to say those trauma memories out loud. I have started talking to myself since grade 5 and it just couldn't stop. I have fantasy friends with me, and just talking to them make me feel satisfied, I can't bear the thought that they actually are not real and it's just me talking all the time. I mean, is it a serious problem?
I kept repeat and analysis those trauma over and over I'm so sick of it and sick of myself, but I just couldn't stop, I don't know why, because it's all pointless if the audience I spoke to aren't real, who am I trying to impress then:(

Hi, good day everyone. Mine is a twenty-year process. Or at least, that’s how I see it. I suffered a lot during this process; there were times when I basically lost my mind. I would stay at the places where I worked for a few days and then get fired. Unfortunately, I just couldn't get the hang of the cash register at my father's workplace. I’ve managed to pull myself together—more or less—but I’m going through similar things again; I get misunderstood when communicating with others. Fortunately, I’ve completed my fifth month at my current job, but the manager won’t even look me in the eye. Unfortunately, due to traumas I experienced in childhood, I had to learn how to eat potatoes twice. I also can't sing or recite poetry in front of others. In short, we might have turned into "potatoes," but we're carrying on with life somehow.

I feel like one of the biggest hurtles to healing is other people. I felt like I had to kick everyone out of my life and now the trouble seems to be interactions with the broader culture in the USA. Because of my up bringing I have pretty serious attachment and enmeshment issues but it feels like climbing a mountain trying to relearn how to be human around other humans, it's like people can smell that you are in the process of self improvement. This might be one sided thinking on my end because I have been pretty low down and have my issues but...

As I write this a kind of think it is just my own issues making being around others so difficult. Being unstable in life brings up so much fear of abandonment and social rejection. Surviving in this world is no joke, would've been nice to have had decent parents 🤔

As response to the growing knowledge of mine. I happily can declare that these symptoms are really neurological.

Here's the previous post (part 1) if you want to check it out:

https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/NalJauDyn4

And I read about perpetual awareness, in *waking the tiger* , Peter talks about perpetual awareness of the environment. Basically, when the nervous system deals with a threat, it mobilizes all its focus to fight the threat. And the environment awareness is suppressed to face it

And thats what clicked in my mind, what the therapist says to look around or basically "5 4 3 2 1" method.

I'm glad I found it out. And wanted to share this info with you all. Thanks for reading this short post.

I wish none of the shitty things that happened to me had happened. Or I could just forget about it all. I’m probably going to lose my job because I couldn’t handle someone disrespecting me. I’m so tired of fighting to be understood. I wish all of the people who abused and scapegoated me as a child had just been well adjusted adults instead of narcissists and abusers. I can’t seem to get anything in life right because of all of this. I’m seriously tired of trying and trying I just want to give up.

I think I got SA’d or molested when I was younger and blocked it out as a trauma response. If this isn’t written very good im sorry im not good at writing lol. This is a very bold claim but as I was scrolling through this sub Reddit it made everything in my head click.

I have been hyper sexual from a very young age. I think the first time I masturbated was at around 5 years old. I was exposed to the internet at 7 which definitely did not made this situation better. I do not remember doing anything innapropiate to other people, I know I kissed my brother a couple times (just a normal peck, which could’ve just been reciprocating what I did with my parents because I thought it was normal and like yk.) I used to get caught watching innapropiate stuff all the time, even stuff I could find on YouTube kids somehow.

However, in 2nd grade, I sexually harassed two of my friends. I feel guilty about it to this day and it’s hard for me to think about how I could’ve committed such a disgusting act at 7 years old. I was suspended from school for attempting to get two of my friends (both female) to show me their genitalia. My parents told me it is “normal” as I was “exploring myself.” It is so hard for me to believe this is normal. There is no way in hell a 7 year old sexually harassing people is because I was “exploring.”

To this day I am extremely hyper sexual and its fucking horrible. It doesn’t even pleasure me anymore. I just do it to do it, like as a coping mechanism or something. I also have EXTREMELY bad ptsd, which is from other events from my childhood that I do have faint memory of. I have no memory of anything from under the age of 7 except small memories here and there. If there’s a psychologist that sees this, please comment your thoughts. Sorry again if this is not well written

I have some past truma

Due to that I am facing some problems

Whenever I am an or anything if someone gets rejected or cheated or anything related realionships

I feel unwell It feel like something from my stomach comes to my chest and it stars hurting bad

Does anyone know how I can overcome this

My dad is a combat veteran with severe CPTSD, depression, panic attacks, and alcohol use disorder. He’s been through multiple psychiatrists and medications over the years without much success, and his mental health has declined significantly recently.

I’m flying to Tampa to be with him since the situation has gotten to the point where I’m concerned and I want to help him find the best care possible. Does anyone have recommendations for exceptional CPTSD psychiatrists, psychologists, trauma programs, or treatment facilities in the Tampa area (VA or civilian)? I’m especially interested in providers who have experience treating veterans with complex or treatment-resistant PTSD.

I’d really appreciate any personal experiences or recommendations. Thank you.

Every time I drag my half dead body to safety it starts breaking down like a shitty car

I am breaking down as I am writing this. I have been living with only my mom for 10 years now. I am 19F. She regularly haords food and when she goes on rampages (sometimes for no reasons or imaginary reasons) she throws food in the trash. And then she forces me to pick up the food from there and eat it. I should clairfy there are no layers between the thrown food and the other trash. There are bugs crawling there so it is definitely a hygiene issue. She makes me eat it in front of her so there is no way to throw away the food either.

There are also other issues like forcing me to eat rotten food and food which is explicitly bad for my health

19 M here i want to get a diagnosis possibly cptsd an ED and depression but is the only way for that to go through AMHS or CMHT ?(cause the way I thought it works is that you should go through amhs and CMHT try therapy then come back to the GP request psychiatric assessment etc(psychotherapy shows gp you exhausted all options and have no choice but to refer you)

Because when i did my initial assessment to see what support was available to me i was told i can’t be given psychiatric help after 3 sessions of review(one is the standard in the uk i was given three because of the severity of the issue) because it’s very vast and alot complicated to dissect (she did say i have multiple traumas) and she doesn’t want yo mislabel me and i get the point that it is unprofessional and unfair for her to do so after a few hours but what icba for is to wait for psychotherapy go through the sessions(i have up to 20) try and “convince and advocate for myself “ to whoever cause it’s highly likely they’re not trauma informed that it’s more serious and needs more help and hoping that they refer me to psychiatry

Any help will do please- anyone in the UK?

hello

im 16f and honestly i havent been able to read romance novels in a year

my parents have been emotionally and physically abusive for years tho not as physically abusive after CPS was called when i was 12 and during periods wehre i am super super docile?????? idk its confusing

anyways reading romance novels opens this super big pit in my heart and i want to start crying and idk what it is that i crve. ive been dreaming of protective romantic bf since i was rly little but now it just hurts? esp when i read novels when someone is avenged or protected or just simply loved, ygm. idk

the pit hurts so much i start seeking abusive relationships cuz like the pain cancels out the other pain. eded up in a pseudo-relationship w a 41 year old serial rapist who threatens me by threatening to rape others if i dont comply. my friend thinks im out but im not cuz im in so much misery its just easier to stay and be hurt so i dont dream of being loved

i hope to be loved the way they love in books but i just feel so hopeless :((

We had an intake appointment and that went fine. She seems really nice and knowledgeable. We scheduled our first real (video) session for this morning, and nothing.

I am very sure I heard the time and date correctly. Wednesday at 9am. I wrote it down as she said it. I repeated it back to her and she confirmed. checked my email obsessively for two hours today, and in the spam folders as well. Absolutely nothing.

Ive had pretty awful experiences with therapy in the past, but I've never had a therapist just ghost me like this. I'm hoping maybe she somehow get the dates mixed up in her calendar and she reaches out to fix it. It's so hard to find providers that take my insurance.

This is bringing up all sorts of fears and self-doubt...did I say something to offend her? Was I supposed to do something else to confirm the appointment and just wasnt aware of it? Did I hallucinate that entire intake appointment and now i'm just, idk, making up therapists?? (I know that's unlikely because I don't experience hallucinations or psychosis, but, you know, gaslighting trauma)

I have no right to be this upset and anxious

I'm a member of what I call the Double Whammy Club with a paedophile father and narcissist mother. My father did a great deal of damage to me that my mother made very difficult to repair.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD and depression, but I feel like my CPTSD is the more dominant issue because it is the reason behind my depression. I was in therapy for 10 years, and I reached a point where I have to pause therapy for at least a year because my insurance will not cover the costs anymore. Right now, I am in a phase where I really want to get better. I am stable enough to manage my everyday life, like going to work, studying for university, etc. - but my CPTSD makes it extremely difficult for me to truly live in the present moment.

Most of the time, multiple traumas come back into my thoughts, and I suddenly feel all those emotions again, as if everything happened yesterday.

I wanted to ask you all how you deal with your multiple traumas. I really want to feel happy, but my past makes it incredibly difficult.

I lost my older brother when I was young, and the cause of his death is still unclear. Even murder is a possibility (this happened in Afghanistan, where the circumstances surrounding his death were never fully explained. It is a long story). I could never attend his funeral, and because of the political situation in Afghanistan and because I am a woman, I cannot visit his grave. His grave was even violated by religious extremists, so I never had the chance to properly say goodbye to him.

My family's situation was a mess. There was a lot of violence and trauma. My father hit my mother, and I grew up with an emotionally unavailable mother who emotionally abused me. I also witnessed violence from other family members when I was a child.

My other brother, who is still alive, has schizophrenia and is mentally disabled, which was also very difficult for me. After the death of my older brother, I had to take over many family responsibilities, like dealing with authorities and organizing things, because my brother with schizophrenia was not able to help and my parents are immigrants. They depended on me a lot, even though I was only 14 years old.

I was bullied for 10 years straight in school, and I was also physically abused by my classmates. The bullying was constant and there was no real interruption. There was not a single year where I was NOT bullied by others.

I developed anorexia in my early 20s because of toxic people I was dealing with while I was active in a political group. I also experienced trauma through this group. It was another situation where I experienced bullying.

My niece (the daughter of my deceased brother) was groomed by her stepfather. Afterwards, many members of her own biological family (on the mother side of her family) called her a "hoe" on the internet because she had been groomed and ran away with him to have a relationship with her stepfather shortly after turning 18. Her mother made TikToks about my niece where she called her a "hoe". Those videos went viral, with thousands of people watching them, and many strangers insulted my niece. I see my niece as the victim in this whole story, not as the villian. I had a huge fight with her mother because of this. This experience was another trauma for me.

Losing my brother's child to the person who groomed her was extremely painful. Even today, nobody knows where she is. Because of conflicts between my family and my brother's ex-wife, it was also difficult for me to see my niece regularly, which was very painful. She was like a younger sister to me because I was very young when I became an aunt (my brothers are 20 years older than me).

Then, last year, I experienced another trauma caused by my ex-friends, who emotionally abused me. I had a dissociation episode, and my friend left me alone while we were on vacation together. I dissociated so strongly that I completely lost my sense of orientation and got on the wrong train. Then another wrong train, and another one. I could not find my way home and wandered around for 12 hours, getting more and more lost while dissociated and totally helpless. Later, when I was in a mental health facility, my ex-friends bullied me and ended the friendship. Before ending the friendship, they made sure to hurt me deeply by telling me that I should "just kill myself" when I was so vunerable inside this mental health hospital.

During my time in this mental health facility, I also had many traumatic experiences with psychiatrists, nurses, and other patients. One patient sexually harassed me, but it was not a sexual assault but still traumatic.

The trauma from last year, especially the experiences with my ex-friends, affects me the most because it is the newest trauma and something I am still recovering from. But I also regularly experience flashbacks from the other traumatic periods of my life.

It is just so painful. I am exhausted from carrying all this trauma that never seems to end. I am constantly in an alarm state and afraid of the future because I do not want to experience more trauma.

Because of what happened last year, I became much more careful around people. This is why I do not share much about myself with the friends I still have. I do still have friends, just not the toxic friends from last year anymore. But right now, talking openly with friends is not really a resource I can use to deal with my trauma because I need time to recover and learn to trust people again.

I am still socially active. I meet people and friends, and I try to maintain hobbies and do things that bring me joy from time to time. During better periods, when my depression is not as severe, I try to keep a healthy sleep schedule, I do journaling and take care of my mental health.

But the flashbacks and the inner monologue where I replay my past emotions are constantly there, even during times when my depression is not so prevelant. It is always very hard for me to relax mentally.

So I wanted to ask you all: What are your strategies for dealing with multiple traumas? What helped you? And will there eventually be a time when people with CPTSD can recover from all the trauma they experienced in the past, so they can finally feel free?

I worked with a therapist for the purposes of disability paperwork and treatment.

During this time they decided that I may be bipolar too which I am confident I am not. They tried to chance my coping strategies to which I said absolutely not because there was nothing unhealthy about what I was doing.

About 2 months in we were not making real progress and they were growing frustrated. They said they can make recommendations for other therapists and I said I wanted to continue with her. I thought we might get somewhere.

One day I emailed her and said I wanted to meet an EMdR specialist next week in person, all of my sessions so far had been over zoom. I said I would reach out the following week to let her know how it went.

She quickly ended my treatment and said that I could not see anyone else so I had breached the agreement. I told her that I was just exploring this and I had not decided to leave but she said we cannot go back now.

Now a few weeks later I asked her to complete the disability paperwork that she said she would do for me a month into our working together.

She sent this long email saying I have to have 3 months of treatment with her before she completes paperwork, and that it is in her contract. I pointed out that she said she would do this a month in and that this puts me in a hard situation.

I asked this doctor for a letter stating my diagnosis and she sent a 3 page letter going over all of these details. It says that I may also be bipolar, I have an eating disorder, and I should have intensive care and medication.

She never told me any of this prior to my request for the letter. I am 100% certain I am not bipolar. The low weeks are from trauma processing. I eat 2000 calories a day and run 2 miles a day. How is that an eating disorder. Her website shows that she likes to study eating disorders though.

Is this allowed on the part of this doctor?

I’ve been in weekly trauma therapy for about 20-25 sessions now, and today something happened that I’d love to get this sub’s perspective on.

My therapist and I were talking about a recent friendship hurdle of mine. My therapist made a comment that she later clarified wasn’t what she intended, but in the moment my brain heard it as, “You weren’t a morally good person 4-6 months ago.” (Prior to therapy beginning).

Almost instantly, my mind spiraled into:
“Maybe I’m the problem.”
“Maybe I’m the narcissist.”
“Maybe I deserved to get fired.”
“Maybe I cut off my dad for no reason.”

It was like one thought triggered every major self doubt I’ve ever had.

I started hysterically sobbing, like full body sobbing and hyperventilating. At one point I told her I thought I wanted to end the session early, but she asked if I’d be willing to take a short break and come back so we could repair. I did, and I’m really glad I stayed.

Later in the session I also found myself saying things like, “I hate humanity,” “I wish I wasn’t human,” and then, “I just want to be an animal.” That last sentence completely broke me and I started sobbing all over again.

My therapist clarified what she had actually meant, apologized for how her wording landed, reassured me that I wasn’t what my mind was telling me I was, and thanked me for letting her be there with me through it.

Now that I’m home, I’m left with this strange feeling of, “Did I have a major breakthrough… or did I just cry really hard?”

Has anyone else had a therapy session where something seemed to break open emotionally before you even understood what was happening? Did it end up meaning something in the weeks or months afterward, or did it just feel like a big emotional release?

TW for general mentions of abuse and abusive dynamics/unhealthy thinking.

I've been in so many toxic and abusive relationships and friendships, and was raised in a highly toxic and violent environment. It's so hard to imagine a healthy, loving relationship and be like "yeah, that's what I want." All I'm able to think of recently is how much I want to be abused, how much I want to be manipulated, how much I crave toxicity. I try to rationalize it. This is normal. That's what I tell myself, at least.

All I ever do these days is fantasize about abusive relationships. I know it's bad. I know they're bad. But it's all I can think of. I honestly don't think I'd survive in a healthy relationship, and that's a sad thing to think. I feel broken. But I also feel like I don't even want to be fixed.

Tengo TEPT y me enteré hace poco. Llevo toda la adultez buscando la causa de mis innumerables problemas de salud. Tengo 33 años. He llegado a un punto donde no puedo trabajar, tengo fatiga crónica.
Y ahora resulta que el unico problema que tengo es una madre toxica que me ha jodido el subconsciente a tal punto que mi cerebro ataca a mi cuerpo.

El problema es que sigo aqui, con mis padres. Me siento atrapada.

Hoy tengo un dia horrible, la psicologa me ha dicho que intente dejar de disociarme para ver que hay tras esa disociacion…. Lo he hecho y lo que hay es una depresion enorme. Odio vivir en esta casa, mis padres tienen 7 cámaras en casa. Ni cuando ellos no están me siento bien aqui.

Ayuda 🥲

I have two brothers with severe autism that need 24/7 care. When I was a kid, my mom would yell at us a lot. It's clear she was incredibly stressed out and didn't know how to properly take care of my brothers. She needed extra help, so I kind of became like a co-parent. I wouldn't say I was completely neglected, but my needs weren't as important. I felt like I had to grow up quicker.

My mom is bipolar. She has been for a while, but only recently got diagnosed. I remember she would get incredibly angry one second and then act like nothing ever happened the next. She also used to be an alcoholic. I remember she would get so drunk that she would crawl on the floor. She would then pass out on her bed, so I had to make sure that my brothers were fed. I didn't understand what being drunk was, so I always thought she was extra sleepy. She eventually went to rehab and recovered.

After that, I thought things went back to normal. While she wasn't drinking, her mental health continued to deteriorate. It got so bad in 2019 that she began breaking things and became more physical (mainly just shoving us around, nothing too extreme.) I didn't know what to do, so I called my aunt. I never really talked to her about what was happening at home because I was convinced nothing was wrong. Once I told her, she said to get recordings of my mom yelling at us and to tell my dad what was happening. Those recordings went to court, she lost custody, and we live with my dad now. Things have improved, but it has been difficult lately.

I graduated from college last year, and I mostly spend my time at home. I don't know how to drive and keep putting it off due to anxiety. I don't talk to my mom that much, she sends texts, but it mostly has to do with astrology (she is obsessed, astrology is her religion and anyone who thinks differently is wrong.) My brothers are doing better. They can do more things independently, but they still need 24/7 care. However, things have been awful lately. I have depression and anxiety, and it has only gotten worse now that my dad is sick. We don't know what it is, but it has something to do with his pancreas. I'm expecting the worst. I don't want to lose him. If I do, I'll feel truly lost.

I've been going stir-crazy at home with my brothers. They are incredibly loud, and always watch and say the same things over and over. I feel like I'm going insane. I wish I could rip my ears off. Just the minute they start making noise makes me want to stick an ice pick through my ear canals. I know it's not their fault and I have been going out of my way to be patient with them, but internally I want to scream.

I can't bring myself to do anything. I've set goals for myself, but starting even a simple task feels like torture. My uncle is trying to help me, but most of the advice is "stop being sad", "just exercise", and "just be more positive." He's trying to make me feel better, but I end up feeling worse. I don't know what to do now. I feel awful and all I want to do is sleep the day away. Everything feels hopeless, and I can't even enjoy hobbies I once loved. Everything feels like a chore. I feel lost.

I have never posted something like this before, but I was hoping sharing it with others would help. I'm desperate for anything.