For context, I was very defeatist in my teen years. Failing highschool, retail work was even more hellish back then, fucked up alcoholic emotionally abusive mom, emotionally abusive dad, sociopathic family. So yeah, i was a bit gloomy about life and future, more than now.

So they would respond aggressively.

"needing" something doesn't make it happen, it just means i feel even worse every time i'm reminded of the fact that i lack it

vs if i can instead acknowledge that it sucks and i don't want it anyway cause it's literally the root of all my worst sufferings and im better off without it then life is okayer :)

Have you been deliberately sleep deprived? My groomer used to use this tactic all the time: starting arguments at night when I was tired or having an emotional breakdown when I wanted to go to sleep and so on.

It makes you so disoriented?? I didn’t see it as a deliberate action, so I felt bad for falling asleep even after having to live off of 2 hours of sleep. Id genuinely wake up panicked, cry and apologise for falling asleep mid conversation.

It made me think Im an awful partner and that she’s great for forgiving me every time

Always keep your receipts. Because yes they would.

I’ve finally learned how to feed myself and guess what? When you don’t boil the life out of all your vegetables they actually taste pretty good with some seasoning. Who knew?

I’ve mostly overcome the food allergy problem now too, but it sure seems like life is one big series of slaps to the face lol.

You get to say I love you more often and they'll never see it coming!

I could not ever imagine treating my child like that. Or anyone. How can someone’s brain see a child and think about treating them like a therapist or spouse?

People like me speak up so much, too. It was not always being silent. You speak up and people do not listen. They know.

Even when other people treat me like an object, it angers me. How can you treat a stranger like that? Like they are not even human. They snap at you without hesitation like you caused their problems.

After everything, I am blamed and expected to clean up after others. Even when I leave. You get away from abusers, they chase you down to trap you again. Why do others help them? When someone wants to be alone, why do they not leave me alone? Idk what is hard to understand about that.

People always get mad when I am not what they want me to be because they refuse to see me. That would mean humanizing me.

Tired of people blaming me for disliking others. I have tried so hard to be kind and understanding. I will not stop but shut the hell up when I feel closed off. The only thing keeping me liking anyone is me. For some reason, I am delusional enough to have faith that some good people exist.

I am closed off for a reason. I want to even get cheaper with my energy. Not many people deserve it. Too many users out there.

A frustrating excuse I see from other abuse survivors: “Our upbringings were not normal so we have an uncanny valley effect. Which is why we get abused”. In what universe does being abused and traumatized means you deserve to be abused because others choose not to control themselves?

It is not your fault for being abused. You are doing your best. The blame lies with others.

(Fixed some typos)

Yeah, keep telling me how men are unsafe… you were always my first lesson in that respect.

(Note that I’m not a misandrist, my dad just doesn’t understand trauma responses lol)

I wish my emotional brain also recognised this as /s 🤷‍♀️

mini mid thirties crisis considering that that's 1/3 of my life or so, but then realizing that being sad about mortality is perfectly normal, healthy even, and a sign that I finally enjoy living my own life enough that the prospect of it ending is actually pretty upsetting. I was expressing this to my partner who pointed out that I used to refer to death as a comfort, like "well at least one day I won't have to deal with this anymore, at least there's an end to this suffering" and I didn't even realize the shift that happened in my subconscious where I started thinking in terms of actually living and enjoying rather than only avoiding pain and enduring suffering. so yeah. first time a birthday has made me sad, but also happy to see my healing progress, so it's bittersweet.

remembering the healing process isn’t linear today

(Not OC just nice quote found)

I made this pic with the recent event in mind...where I saw fireflies for the first time (if I remember correctly) and how I wish I'd savor the moment more but instead my mind was preoccupied with thoughts if I'm good enough, how it should be even better etc. I'm noticing it a lot. I used to be such a dreamer and feeler which also I think contributed to a lot of unpleasant things. I mean I still am but trauma has created this strange kind of apathy to make the survival possible. Tough moments don't hit me as much but what's worse the good ones don't either. I seem not to remember them vividly. And yet, I truly believe that one day maybe I can experience it again. Maybe it's gonna be even better.