This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/One-Dragonfly-5474

Published on: r/relationship_advice & r/Advice

Previous BORU: BORU-1 by u/SharkEva on January 11, 2026

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 19, 2025

• Update: January 10, 2026

• Final Update: June 03, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{December 19, 2025}

My 43f husbands 46m affair partner 19f is pregnant doesn’t know the baby’s father and I don’t know where to begin with fixing this

Throwaway account. All names are fake to protect mine and my children’s identities.

A few days ago my husband of 19 years came to me telling me he wanted us to sit down and talk as he needed to come clean that he has been having an affair for the past 6 months. He arranged with his mother to have the kids for the night and she would get them to school in the morning so we could talk in private.

He had arranged this with her in the day whilst I was at work, when I arrived home around 6:45pm he was sat in the living room alone waiting and looking very nervous and quite frankly ill I was immediately concerned for him and asking where the children were.

He couldn’t meet my gaze reached out for my hands sat down again and quietly announced he was so sorry and he never meant for this to happen but he had cheated on me. I had no idea how to react I was still concerned why no one else was home as they all should have been home hours ago normally getting back around 4pm and none had messaged me to ask or say they were out with friends.

He started to ramble on I think trying to explain himself as if there is any explanation for cheating I wasn’t paying attention demanding he tell me where our children were eventually he told me that his mother was looking after them for the night. He asked me to calm down and let him explain himself, I admit I snapped when he said this how can he expect me to calm down when he’s just admitted to breaking our vows what is there to explain if he wanted a divorce he should have just asked for one months ago.

He started to get upset begging me to please calm down and let him talk he didn’t choose this but there’s more to the story. I was so full of emotions I walked outside and sat in my car he followed me to the door crying and begging me to listen and please don’t go.

I sat in my car for I don’t know how long sobbing thinking of our marriage our children what will happen now does this mean divorce couples counselling can I forgive him and the biggest question why? Why did he cheat. Who is she. Why is she better than me. Why is this woman more important than the life we have built together over the last 22 years.

After maybe an hour of spiralling and crying I was ready to hear him out and ask my questions. I knocked on the door he opened it reached for my hand and we sat down again he tried to lead me to upstairs to our bedroom I said absolutely not we’re talking this through downstairs now or he can leave for tonight.

I didn’t know what to expect from what he wanted to tell me I didn’t care for the apologies and excuses. He told me the affair had started 6 months ago but it had just been secret messaging nothing flirtatious from his side to begin with then things escalated she became more boldly flirtatious and during a night I was working away they slept together the first time that was supposedly 4 months ago he hasn’t admitted so but I believe they’ve been intimate regularly since.

I asked why who how so many questions I didn’t give him time to answer as I began to spiral again. He said it was Emily a name that didn’t mean anything to me I half laughed and said am I supposed to know who that is then he said James’ Emily. James is our 18m son Emily 19f is his ex girlfriend as of 2 months ago.

I was so angry in that moment I shouted for him to get out I didn’t want him anywhere near me I couldn’t stand to look at him or listen to what he had to say next how would he try and excuse not only having an affair but with our sons ex who he was still broken up about.

She had broken up with him 2 months prior which had him very upset as they’d had a sensible and very positive relationship for over a year, she was fully welcomed into our home and I was quite fond of her. The whole family had been sad to hear they had broken up his younger siblings saying how they missed her coming round.

I apologise I’m getting away from things this is still so much to think about and hard to actually put down. My husband told me the reason he was coming clean to me now was that Emily had confided in him 2 weeks ago that she was pregnant but was unsure as to who the father is she said it could be him or James.

He told me he hadn’t planned or wanted any of this he didn’t initiate the relationship he tried to not get close with her but he wasn’t strong enough mentally and it just happened. Upon hearing that I got up and left I just couldn’t stay there listening to him any longer I drove 30 minutes away and checked into a hotel for the night turning my phone off.

I went into work the next day as normal returning home to the kids out once again and him waiting by the door eyes red begging me to talk to him. I didn’t have the energy to talk or argue I just walked up to our room laid in our bed as he begged me crying again.

I’m not delusional enough to believe anything he says regarding how it was all her initiating the flirting she’s only 19 and he’s more than twice her age for gods sake! He didn’t act in this alone but to try and place all the blame on a teenager is quite frankly pathetic and makes me sick.

It has been a few days since and nothing has resolved things are back to normal for the sake of our children James doesn’t know about the affair or possible pregnancy. They’re all back home and I’m trying to make things appear as normal as possible just until Christmas is out of the way I don’t want this affair mess to ruin what should be a joyful time of year.

I’ve hardly spoken to my husband since except for when the children are around having to share a bed with him disgusts me he’s tried to cuddle me and get me to kiss him in front of the children I feel so much animosity to him. I fear my depression that I struggled with as a teenager will come back I just want to cry everywhere my heart is broken not just for myself but for our family. I know James needs to know and sooner is better but I don’t know that I can be there for us both right now.

How do I even try to figure this out? When is the right time to tell James? I know it’s so silly to think we could keep this a secret until Christmas is over but I don’t have any idea where to start it just feels like the worst time for all of this I don’t know how I feel regarding everything I know I’m nowhere near finding a solution or thinking of next steps I’m mostly concerned for James and the fallout this will have between him and his father and our other 2 children.

COMMENTS

CannibalRimmer

I mean you know how to fix this - you'd have to leave him. If you're unwilling to leave him, if your standards don't exclude this then don't waste your time pretending you're prepared to fix anything - when your standards are low enough to include having a relationship with this kind of predatory man, you are as much a part of the problem as he is.

If you stay with him, he's right and you're wrong. His assessment is that he can fuck children (and a 19-year-old is a child - they might legally be an adult, but materially they're a child) and that you might huff and puff but you'll ultimately do nothing about it, and until the moment you leave that makes him correct about your complicity in his filth.

OOP

Okay wow I don’t know if the way I have written makes it sound like I’m thinking of staying with him I am not thinking that at all I know we will have to divorce I’m just lost as to how to go about things in the right order. I’m not condoning his actions in anyway I’m quite honestly repulsed by him

Obvious-Block6979

Honestly I think ripping the bandage off now makes more sense. If this comes out by other means, your son may feel betrayed 3x over. Especially if he thinks you’re covering for your husband. Or if he believes you would have stayed, if he hadn’t found out. I would at least have him leave the house, even if you don’t disclose all the details yet.

OOP

Thank you that’s a good idea having to be in the same room as him these past couple days has been so hard on me. I may tell him to go stay elsewhere at night and we can share some details with my eldest. I would hate for him to feel I’ve betrayed him I won’t let my husbands actions cause my son and I more pain

Spirited-Water1368 (downvoted)

Sending my sympathies to you, James and the two other children. Also sending you an Oscar award for your acting skills. You are doing your best in this unreal situation. If you can do it, wait until after Christmas to tell James.

Is she going to give birth to this baby?

OOP

Thank you. I have no idea if she’s planning on having the baby or not I think she’s wanting to know who the father is and then expect help support from them

AccomplishedPoem9841

“I know it’s so silly to think we could keep this a secret until Christmas”

Yeah especially with the wildcard of Emily and how she might take it upon herself to deal with the life she’s carrying. I know you probably didn’t want to hear it but from a practical standpoint - any idea what her plan is? I assume it impacted his confession.

OOP

Oh God it hadn’t even crossed my mind that she may tell James or show up. I haven’t asked how far along she is or know what her plan is I don’t know that she has one. I don’t think my husband has a plan for all this either I feel like I’m trying to figure it all out for everyone!

somefreeadvice10

Damn, I didn't even think about the fact Emily may tell James before his mom tells him about his dad's disgusting actions.

UpdateMe

AccomplishedPoem9841

I'm officially calling bull on this story. How can OP know that son doesn't know about the pregnancy? OP's husband was told about it 2 weeks ago. OP knows nothing about the GF's circumstances. Maybe the son knows she is or was pregnant and is keeping it to himself.

OOP

I don’t know that my son hasn’t already been told about the pregnancy from his ex I only know so much. I can’t help feeling that I need to fix this being so used to dealing with normal life situations as a mum and wife but I’m aware that regarding the pregnancy and paternity it’s none of my business, it only concerns Emily and who she decides needs to know. I’m just guessing Emily hasn’t gone to my son and told him yet.

Pergamon_

Wow. I am so sorry! First of all, I think you should "stay out of this" in a way. And I mean that in a certain way. YOU shouldn't have to deal with your son: HE has to deal with your son. So you will need to explain to him, that he will need to sit his son down and explain TO HIS SON that he, as his 46M dad, slept with his 19F girlfriends during their relationship and she now might be pregnant. Don't get tricked into the situation that YOU need to tell him. Do not get involved in that.

Once this has been dealt with, your (presumably soon ex) husband will need to talk to your other children and explain these events to them too.

He did this, so he can now put his big boys pants on and deal with the consequences. Those consequences are

• HE will have to face his children explaining this
  
• you will leave him
  
• you will love the shit out of your children and care for them the best you can
  
• you will financially negotiate the absolute fucking best financial deal you can get out of him
  
• You will get help for your children if they need this dealing with this shit show. If you need help, you will get this too.

This is going to be the single hardest thing you have ever done in your life. And as a true mum, you will face this, look the monster straight into the eyes, and then you will pick it up, throw it away and build a new life.

OOP

Thank you so much for giving me the wake up call I need! I don’t know how I’ve gotten into thinking that this is on me to fix! I will speak to my husband later today about telling James. I will also be contacting a therapist for myself and James separately and looking into getting a lawyer for a separation. I’ve always vowed to be the mum that’s there for her children above anything

Update - after 22 days

^{January 10, 2026}

UPDATE: My 43f husbands 46m affair partner 19f is pregnant doesn’t know the baby’s father and I don’t know where to begin with fixing this

This is a small update of what’s happened since I made my first post I hope everyone can see this if I haven’t done this correctly please let me know. A little summary of my last post, my husband of 19 years admitted to me that he has been having a 6 month affair with our eldest son’s ex girlfriend (girlfriend at the time the affair started)

Now the update, after I made the post and read so many comments from amazing people seriously thank you to everyone who validated my feelings and helped me to create a plan of action. That night after my children were in their rooms I sat down with my husband told him that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with him anymore and that he needs to come clean to James about what he has done.

I told him that I was going to contact a therapist for myself and for James and as some comments had suggested I would ask them if they think it is best for James to be told in their company for additional support. My husband didn’t have anything to say he just sat there taking it in. I think that was when he started to realise just how much he messed up. He told me he would be getting a hotel room for the night and staying with family or friends for the time being.

I was able to speak to a therapist that Sunday and after speaking with my sister about everything I thought it was best to tell James as soon as possible as I had now known for a week. My sister took my other 2 kids for the day, they were reluctant to be away again, they knew something was up I told them that once they came home I would explain everything to them and we will be ok no one is ill so don’t start to worry and gave them both a huge hug.

With me there my husband spoke to James he told him similar what to what he had told me but without the excuses and begging for forgiveness. James was quiet for a very long time so my husband went to another room to give us some time alone. I don’t want to go into how James was as that’s not for me to talk about, but he was obviously very hurt we spent a long time talking and consoling each other James then went for a lie down and my husband left for a bit.

That evening when my sister dropped my younger 2 home their father came back and he explained to them about having an affair and that it was with James’ ex girlfriend. We decided not to tell them about the possible pregnancy at this time until paternity is determined and more is concluded about that I’m dealing with the affair and possible pregnancy as two separate issues.

James and I have both gotten std tests all negative so far but awaiting the full results.

Concerning the possible pregnancy I am only focused on helping James through it what my husband chooses to do is his own business. James has contacted Emily regarding a paternity test. He hasn’t shared with me his feelings if the test comes back positive we are taking things one step at a time.

For myself I am back in therapy fortunately I’ve been able to take some time off work and I’m focusing on getting through each day and supporting my kids. Once the results for paternity are back then I can worry about divorcing my husband. I have been to a lawyer for an initial conversation but I think it’s best to just deal with one thing at a time for the sake of my mental health. And my children absolutely come first. The only contact I’ve had with my husband since is him asking about the kids.

I think that’s everything I have to update on currently, I will update again when I have more to share. Thank you again everyone who commented on my first post.

The only question I have now is any advice for divorcing with children involved? I want it to be as easy on them as it can be so we can move on from this mess.

COMMENTS

Glittering-Bat353

You are doing great so far! I can't even imagine the toll this is taking on you. Stay in therapy and make sure you are taking care of yourself. You are just as much of a victim in this as your son, and I'm sure you're doing everything you can for him right now. You deserve that for yourself too.

As for divorcing in a way that's best for the kids? I'm pretty sure you're husband already ruined that effort. Stay supportive and open with your children. While I'm in no way saying condone their father in any regard try your best not to talk poorly (I mean like name calling and stuff) about him. His actions are as low as they get so you can't completely avoid this while talking about whats happening, but you dont have to pile it on, ya know?

Does this girls parents know what's going on?

Updateme!

OOP

I would never bad mouth their father to them that would only cause them more pain. Whatever my kids feel towards their father regarding a relationship with him is their individual decision and l’ll support them as best I can. He will still be their father regardless of our divorce

mutantmanifesto

Jesus Christ poor James.

Updateme

Motor_Boysenberry160 (downvoted)

I know! Poor guy. Also, if the mom stays with his dad he's going to feel betrayed by her as well. The fact that she is not sure of divorcing him until she gets the paternity results is crazy.

OOP

Just to clear it up I’m not waiting on the paternity results to decide if I’m divorcing or not I absolutely am going through with a divorce. However I only have so much mental strength to focus on one thing at a time and supporting James is my priority

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 5 months, 15 days (after 4 months, 24 days from last post)

^{June 03, 2026}

UPDATE: My 43f husbands 46m affair partner 19f is pregnant doesn’t know the baby’s father and I don’t know where to begin with fixing this

This is a small second update to my first post and probably the last. The first update can be found on my profile. Firstly I want to thank everyone again for the support helpful comments and messages and well wishes for me and my children. Secondly apologies for being so long between posts I’ve been meaning to update but have had a lot to do and focus on staying strong and getting through this difficult time.

As I said in the last update James was awaiting results of paternity, once he got them back he was very nervous to read them I offered to read them for him or to him different ideas but ultimately he told me he didn’t think he was quite ready no matter the result which I respected. This was a huge ordeal and the results could affect his life forever from that point. So he put them away somewhere safe until he was ready. Both James and myself were going to therapy and getting support and I was looking at different options for my other children regarding the divorce and affair.

A few weeks later James came to me and said he wanted to know the results now that he didn’t truly feel ready but he needed to know to be able to further deal with things and progress in his therapy. James is not the father to Emily’s baby but shares DNA due to familial paternity. My husband is the babies father. This was very difficult for both of us. There was huge relief that he wasn’t the father but also a lot of pain, sadness and anger.

I’ve been so proud of how James and my other two children have dealt with all this over the past months things are still very raw and challenging but I’m so proud they know none of this was due to them or anything they did and that we will get through this time together as a family of 4.

Right now I am awaiting divorce proceedings I don’t know what will happen I’m mostly concerned for the house and where me and children will live but I know for the moment they are all safe looked after and loved with me.

My youngest is receiving support from his school and is involved with some afterschool clubs to ensure he doesn’t alienate himself and keep his thoughts and emotions inside I’ve seen good improvement in him and I am super grateful of his school and their understanding.

My middle child has been harder to help given their age they aren’t showing their feelings to me and therapy isn’t their thing I’ve been looking at different options for unconventional therapy ways they can work through their feelings without having to sit and talk to a stranger. They had a few sit down appointments at the beginning but I can tell it’s not their thing any recommendations, links for things in the UK would be so helpful!

As far as things go with me and my husband he has been living between his mothers’ home and friends places I have very limited contact with him only ever regarding our younger two. There have been a couple times where he has messaged me trying to apologise, begging me to forgive him, explaining he didn’t mean for this to happen and wasn’t his fault to which I don’t reply to or waste my time reading.

For those people that suggested I speak to Emily’s parents and tell them about her pregnancy I did not go over there and speak with them. As young as Emily and James are they are both adults and Emily’s pregnancy is hers to share with whom she wishes it’s not my place to tell her parents. They do know she did tell them they sent me a long message expressing their sadness and regret for what happened as well as James which I thanked them for not that any of it is their doing either. It is just unfortunate for us all. Emily is still living at home and is expecting this summer. My husband has plans to get a place for the 3 of them after the baby is born.

I wish Emily and the baby all the best but once the divorce is finalised I don’t want any contact or updates regarding them and my ex husband lives.

Me and my kids will get through this together stronger and create a better future. James has hopes to take a gap year next year and go travelling with friends and I think I might treat his siblings and myself to a trip somewhere too!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/feellikeanidiot0 posting in r/AmIOverreacting

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Wild

Original - July 21st 2026

Hi, I need to know if I'm right to be losing it rn. My fiancée and I are due to get married in less than 2 months. We met each other at a mutual's wedding. The wedding was gender segregated so she and her mom had met my mom, who then introduced us later. We then went out for like a couple of months, like I'd pick her up from her place (she lives with her parents) and we'd have dinner and a movie, or go painting, or go to the lake etc. We're both Muslim immigrant families so it was understood that we had to stay within some boundaries but we genuinely really liked each other. She was the one who at one point said we could bring our kids here one day and told me she was going to tell her parents she wanted to marry me and she wanted to say yes to my proposal. We got engaged at a low key family event in February.

It's relevant to mention here that during that time I had respectfully asked her about her past relationships. I had said that I know it's personal and there's absolutely no judgement from me, but as someone who, despite not being a great Muslim in a lot of respects, did abstain and save myself for marriage, I would like a partner who had done the same. That it was a compatibility thing, not a judgemental thing. She didn't seemed to mind and said no, she hadn't been with anyone. I believed her.

Since then the wedding prep has been in full swing and the two of us have gotten the chance to get closer. She's the one who's made more of the effort in our communication, because unfortunately I wfh with an employer in the morning and have my cybersecurity business too, so time can be scarce sometimes. Our only argument has been her complaint that I don't make enough time for us.

Some guy claiming to be her (A in the texts) bf (S in the texts) texted me last night, and even sent me pictures where they're together. He claimed that they were in a relationship for the last 2 years, that they'd been having sex, that they were in love, and I've been losing my mind. I never put any pressure on her. Yes, I really liked her but I let her make decisions at her own pace. If she wanted to be with some other guy, all she had to do was say so. In fact not even, it was none of my business, she didn't even owe me any reasons but just give me a straight no. I haven't picked up her call this morning, I've genuinely been feeling sick at the duplicity.

Transcript of the images OP shared (redacted names have been replaced by their corresponding visible first letters for this post):

12:05 a.m.
Guy: Is this A's fiance?

12:14 a.m.
OP: Who are you?

12:15 a.m.
Guy: Are u A's fiance?

12:18 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:19 a.m.
Guy: im her bf so u cant marry her

12:20 a.m.
Guy: plz tell her and her family your not interested

12:20 a.m.
Guy: A has been my gf for 2 years

12:21 a.m.
Guy: she only wants to be with me we have been in love for past 2 yrs

12:23 a.m.
Guy: weve been dating for past 2 yrs in secret weve have been having sex at my place for past 2 yrs

12:24 a.m.
Guy: she didnt tell u? shell deny if u ask her

12:24 a.m.
Guy: (Sends photos of a seemingly close couple - redacted by OP in the post)

12:27 a.m.
OP: Who are you? What's your name?

12:27 a.m.
Guy: tell her and her family your not interested plz and end it

12:27 a.m.
Guy: S

12:28 a.m.
Guy: ask her face to face about S ull know

12:31 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:31 a.m.
Guy: look u seem like a good guy ull find someone better

12:33 a.m.
Guy: me and A love each otherr

12:34 a.m.
Guy: shes only marrying you bcz her family wants that

12:36 a.m.
Guy: ??

12:39 a.m.
OP: How did you get my number?

12:41 a.m.
Guy: A gave it

12:44 a.m.
Guy: even if u marry her well still see each 9ther i dont want to hurt u like that u seem like a good guy

12:45 a.m.
Guy: the sooner u end it the less drama there will bd

12:58 a.m.
Guy: ??

1:11 a.m.
Guy: look bro i get this is tough but ask her face to face ull know from her face

1:29 a.m.
Guy: ??

2:06 a.m.
Guy: look i have more photos but u understand i dont want to share because as someone who loves her i dont want to have another guy see those private intimate pictures of us

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Sometimes when you download the image to your phone, it’ll show you the location/date and time it was taken.

OP:

The original EXIF data has been stripped. No time stamps on when it was taken, or any GPS coordinates, camera information or anything useful. That was the first thing I did.

Comment 2:

My first instinct is this is not even a guy, this is someone trying to ruin your fiancee, possibly a family member or rival.

Comment 3:

This guy comes across as a stalker. Sounds like he wants her, but she doesn’t want him. So he’s trying to destroy her relationship with you to have a chance.

Show her these messages. Ask her point blank who it is to her. Chances are he’s someone she’s blown off in the past and he’s got a creepy delusion.

OP:

Thanks, I've lost sleep over this and I blew off our morning call, that was stupid I know, but I wanted to get my head straight first.

Comment 4:

Do not accuse her. Just tell her some weirdo texted you, and show her, then ask if she has any idea who it is.

The most important part at this time is to not destroy the relationship with your fiancée. If she is cheating, you will find it out sooner or later, but you might not come back from accusing her of cheating. And then this weirdo has won.

OP:

Thanks, I'm going to be straight up with her and ask tonight in person. I tried to think this through and make my peace with it like if she cheated or lied then our relationship was a sham anyway, she wouldn't have been the girl that I was looking forward to marrying anyway.

Comment 5:

Please do it in a way that shows that you and her are on the same side, trying to figure out who is trying to drive a wedge between you.

And if you are willing to break up with your fiancée because she had sex before she met you, she will be better off. If your issue is her lying to you, that's valid but I am very familiar with the culture and can see how a woman might not feel safe sharing that with anyone.

But I really think this is someone trying to cause problems, and making up whatever life they think will work on you.

YOR.

OP:

She would not have been unsafe with telling me that, it would absolutely not have left the two of us. If she thinks I would have, then why is she marrying someone who's apparently a sick individual. There wouldn't have been an iota of judgement from me, I really liked her but I would have just taken it as a "not meant to be" thing. I wouldn't have judged her at all, I'm a pathetic Muslim myself, having been in relationships that just stopped short of sex, it was more about dating with hopefully marriage at the end. I would have laid bare all of it for her to gauge any compatibility busters on her end. If I'm being honest, if she'd told me herself yesterday that there was some ex she'd had sex with, I would have just been like whatever, like I love her now and I wouldn't have cared. But to just be ok with what would have been an everlasting lie, anyway I'm letting my brain run wild, maybe he's full of shit.

I'm going to be collected and approach this in a non-accusatory manner. Thanks.

Just want to add: I'm sorry if my comment seemed pointed. I'm not going in to the conversation with her tonight on the opposing side, I am on her side. I just was responding to the implication that there would have been some consequences to her life from me, as if I would have let that information out if she didn't want it to. Sorry.

Comment 6:

Why are you so eager to believe an anonymous stranger before talking to her? 

I think your reactions are weird.  I’d be furious but you are losing sleep thinking this is true?

OP:

The photos seem real, the number checks out, and I'm working not knowing if I'm getting married in less than two months. What reaction should I be having until 7 when I pick her up?

Comment 7:

could the photos be AI generated?

OP:

I put two of the pictures through an AI detector. Both of them were classified as real. For one it said there was a 36% chance of ai, for the other it said 2%.

I'm going to see her tonight and talk to her.

Comment 8:

AI detectors are not reliable whatsoever

OP:

I know that. I know it could be AI and the detector could say 0%. It could be a picture I take myself and it might say 100%. I'll get my answers tonight, like thats the only way. The guy kept saying look at her facial reactions I don't even know wtf that means but apparently it's going to be a tell. I don't believe him but I'll find out in person. Thanks a lot.

Mini-Update by OP on the same post:

Just want to add: I know she's the one I should talk to but I just didn't want to do it on the phone, I'm going to go pick her up right now. I'm not going to be accusatory, I just want the truth of it all. I love her but like if there's someone else and she's feeling pressured into this marriage, like I'm prepared to give her any reason she needs to end it that works for her in front of her family. I'll be on her side like I was suggested here.

Update: - July 21st 2026 (13 hours after the original post)

A lot of people asked for an update, so I thought I'd give one. I can't talk about it with anyone else because somehow I'm the one who ended up responsible for keeping her secret, my own crisis about this be damned, like its taking me so much to not just contact and ask him straight up about what happened.

I asked her if she knew who S was. He was right, I could immediately tell the guy wasn't lying, she definitely knew. She said he was a guy she used to know, and I told her he had contacted me, and showed her the texts. She said he was lying, that she ended things with him before we met and that they'd never had sex. I asked if there was any overlap between our relationships and she said only when she went to meet him one last time to tell him it was over, because he wasn't taking no for an answer. I asked if the photos were real, they were. I asked her to be honest with me, did she really have sex with him like he was saying. She was crying and swearing they didn't, they were intimate and she regrets everything with him but they didn't.

She gave me her phone and basically forced me to confirm that there were no text messages between him and her recently while we've been together. His number was in her blocked list. She asked me to block his number and so I asked if he was being honest about having way more intimate pictures. She said there were a lot more compromising pictures of her that she thinks he has but swore that they hadn’t had sex. She was crying and I blocked him in the moment what else could I do looking at her. She was pleading with me not to reach out to him, and she was freaking out that he'd post them somewhere public before our wedding. At that point I was trying to keep her from freaking out, I told her that would be illegal, he wouldn't do that and so in the moment I just stupidly promised to not contact him.

I told her if there's any kind of pressure like there's any number of excuses she could use regarding me to end this that would save face for everyone, and be with whomever like I'll get over it at some point eventually, yeah it'll be sad for a while and we'll have lost some money especially if the venue doesn't get rebooked at short notice I think, but just have some mercy on both of us and end this now. She swore there was no pressure and that she'd been counting the days until the wedding, that she hadn't even thought of his name until I brought it up. She was like he's doing this to prevent our wedding and fine I get that but like why does he sound more honest with me than she does? I really wouldn't have cared if I'd learned all this yesterday from her, yeah it would've meant she lied initially but like now we loved each other beyond that stuff, this was just her being ok with keeping me in a forever lie that was wrong. I started feeling sick so I just said I wasn't feeling well and we cut it short.

During the drive back to hers, she was almost talking like a coach like let's please forget about this, we're so happy together, we've discussed so many plans, don't let him screw up our relationship. Like I have my own mental breakdown over all this what about that! She kept asking me whether I was fine, I said I was, I mean I don't even know if that's a lie, I wasn't thinking at all.

I've been going over the texts, and I don't know how I can go into the wedding not knowing the answer. Like its so easily doable I just need to ask him to meet up and have one conversation if he would. Honestly it's more about if she's still lying about this, it's not about the sex, it's just about the trust. I know he's also lied, because she clearly hasn't been meeting with him of late, and she really hadn't given me any reason to think of her as a liar thus far but I could just confirm it so easily. It's sincerely about the respect of having been honest, not about the boundary itself, I love her I wouldn't have cared if she'd told me herself yesterday. But it feels sick to contact him like that, like that's not how it should be, and I don't want to have to talk to someone who'd speak the way he was.

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I think it’s very fair that she is freaking out. As a woman if any kind of pictures come out IT’S BAD and especially if she does have a nightmare ex like this guy she’s probably very scared and worried

OP:

I totally understand that. It's sick what he did, like the way he approached me.

Comment 2:

if you think that then what is the point of reaching out to him at all? this dude got into your head, to the point where you think it's stupid that you promised your fiance you wouldn't reach out to him. it's pretty clear from the way you wrote this post, and from the other one, that this is not a good or honest guy. in your fiance's own words "he wouldn't take no for an answer."

I wouldn't entertain this dude anymore strictly on the basis that you can't trust anything he says.

OP:

To know if they had sex when they were together. The way she said she thinks he has compromising pictures, and the way he was claiming they did, almost seems like there's literally a sliver of daylight between what they're saying.

Also, just to clarify because I got some dms, when I asked her this back when it was still early days, its not like I was fixated on whether she had sex before or not. It truly was a compatibility thing only. Like we'd asked about alcohol too, she said she'd had alcohol after long days or especially she said after bad exams in the past with friends but she didn't anymore, and wouldn't be ok with her husband drinking alcohol. I've never drank alcohol. I was open about the fact that I've smoked weed, tried shrooms and lsd in uni but don't anymore and she thought that was funny as long as I didn't regularly anymore and we moved on. Premarital sex was just one of those things on my end, purely because it was a line I had chosen to not cross, so it'd probably be best if my wife hadn't either purely for compatibility reasons. I only asked about sex, because I'm not a hypocrite, if I've had relationships which just didn't involve sex (they were relationships with an aim to hopefully end at marriage) I obviously wouldn't hold that as a boundary. But this just was one for me.

But even despite all that like at this point I was so happy until yesterday that if she'd even point blank told me herself that she had to confess about having lied before I would've taken it in stride, like whatever. It's just the potential lie and not knowing whether I'm being lied to, and the way he was fucking gloating, especially when there's a guy who's disgusting but apparently has the answer.

Sorry this got long, truly.

Comment 3:

What kind of answer could you actually get from him though?

He's already told you they had sex, she told you they didn't. He's already definitely lied to you about them continuing to meet, being "in love", and planning to meet even after your wedding. His intention is clearly to sabotage your relationship, so he's an unreliable source. I'm not sure what further clarity you would hope to get from him. If you contact him, he'll say they had sex. You still won't know if it's true.

She's begged you not to contact him because he's obviously not safe. Whatever pictures he has would be shared without your fiancées consent. I think you can understand that it's not ethically right to contact a woman's unsafe ex for intimate pictures she does not consent to being shared, that ethical boundary doesn't change just because it's your fiancée.

You've said yourself that you were physically intimate with exes without having sex. From what I can tell she likely had a similar experience with this guy and it was traumatic and she regrets it deeply. Whether she lied depends on whether you asked about only sex specifically, or whether you asked about previous dating relationships or other kinds of physical intimacy. You've seen her phone, you know she's been faithful during your relationship.

I'm very sorry you've been put in this situation. It's understandable to freak out, but it would be an ethical violation, a personal betrayal, and pretty useless for getting the actual truth, to contact your fiancée's abuser whether you decide to proceed with the marriage or not.

It's fair to take some time and reflect on what you need to do, but please make up your own mind about this without involving him further.

Truly wishing you strength and steadiness in a situation that is painful for both of you.

Comment 4:

Also because OP’s position enrages me:

I think I'll decide stuff by myself tomorrow morning about the future of our relationship, my mind is not going to work today. I probably won't give further updates. I don't know how much more help I can ask for here, due to some immigrant cultural context that might be missing (as much as I've skated past it myself to a fair extent). I don't want to be stupid but I don't want to be walked over either. Thanks.

Incel 101. “I‘ll decide”…”I don’t want to be walked over.” None of anything your fiancée has done is walking over you. Don’t be a fucking worm. Here’s a fucking thought. How about you two talk to each other about whether you love each other and want to get married? Jesus fuck.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/LegoBirthdayGift posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 19th July 2026

Update - 22nd July 2026

Original post - AITA for" showing up" my brothers girlfriend by getting him a birthday gift he liked more and not warning her I was getting a big gift?

I (25F) have a twin brother (25M). Growing up our favourite pastime was building Lego together. Our family couldn't afford it often so the sets we had were treasured and we'd always buy bags of loose bricks from Charity Shops whenever we saw them. It was a major bonding time for us making things together and my brother claims that those days of playing with Lego is what inspired him to go on and become an Architect.

It was our birthday on Friday and we had a small thing with family, my boyfriend of three years (27M) was there and so was my brothers girlfriend of two years (24F), during the gift exchange we left each others presents to last as we always have and opened our respective gifts. They were very nice and enjoyable, nothing to complain about on either side. When we exchanged gifts however it led to some laughs and delight on both sides. I got him the Neuschwanstein Castle Lego set and he got me the Notre Dame Lego set. He clearly loved his gift and was going on about how excited he was to build it and how he'd be spending his next day off working on it. He showed a lot more enthusiasm for this than the watch his girlfriend got him though he had clearly liked that too.

Since then his girlfriend has reached out to me insisting I tried to show her up deliberately by getting him a gift he'd like more and how she was trying to treat him like an adult with her gift while I was encouraging him to be childish. She also thinks we somehow planned this gift exchange as we both got Lego for each other. I had to tell her no it is just something we have always enjoyed together and it's just natural we'd do this. I also told her than I had no intention of showing her up but that if she really wanted to win the day with gifts she should have considered his interests and not worried about what seems appropriate for an adult. She then pivoted to the fact that she is his girlfriend and I should have warned her I was getting an expensive gift. I pointed out my brother didn't warn my boyfriend but she insists that doesn't matter. That I should have.

Was I in the wrong for not giving her warning and leading to her feeling "shown up" as a result? I have never felt the need to give warning when my brother dated but maybe I should have?

Comments

hidden_foxhollow53

​Oh, please don't let her ruin what sounds like a beautiful birthday tradition. The fact that you and your twin managed to independently buy each other massive Lego sets is honestly magical and hilarious. It shows how deeply connected you two still are, which is exactly how it should be.

sensuspete

Jealous girlfriends come and go but you’ll always b his sister. NTA.

Also Lego is for ALL ages. I’m in my 60’s and LOVE it.

PositiveResort6430

Not the a******. Lets count the red flags!

Gf wants be the centre of attention even on BFS bday, her gift MUST be the BEST, it cant be enough that he enjoyed it?

Now gf is starting drama with bfs sister over some birthday gifts......

Coming up with conspiracies like how you guys "planned" the Lego gifts, as if that would make any sense... if 2 siblings wanted to buy lego together, they could just do that on any d*** day of the year, they don't need to wait till a birthday.

Calling a gift bf loved "childish" and saying her gift was meant to be more adult. Thats belittling and insulting to both of you

Its giving narcissism and schizophrenia like my insanely mentally ill mother! That might seem dramatic, but let me tell you. It starts off with little things like this. And then it escalates. People like that, they create huge dramas out of nothing. Especially if it's something that hurt their own ego.

As a sibling, I'd make sure I'm there for my brother a lot, and that he doesn't get isolated by this woman.

Consensus: not an asshole

Update - three days later

An update to my last post which you can find here, https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1v0p9i1/aita_for_showing_up_my_brothers_girlfriend_by/

I'd like to start by saying thank you to everyone for your comments and like many of you recommended I ended up showing the messages she sent me to my twin brother. I went round to his today, it's his day off and he wanted my help making a start on the set I got him. I'd have brought the set he got me so we could make them together but since it lives at my place it's not smart to try and move it back and forth. He's going to come to mine on Saturday to help me make a start on it.

While we were working on it together I admitted to him that his girlfriend had messaged me and that I was concerned as she doesn't seem to like his hobby with Lego, seeing it as childish and seems to find me as some kind of threat which is weird and gross because seriously, that's my twin? I also expressed worry that she may try to sabotage the things he likes just to make him "grow up". He asked to see my phone and I passed it over, he read the messages in silence and was quiet for about a minute before saying and I quote "oh fuck no" and he then pulled out his phone and began to message her. When I asked what he was doing he said he was sorting it, and when I tried to ask tell me what he meant by that he just made noises to cut me off like he used to when we were kids and he felt like annoying me.

I managed to see the messages and he straight up just told her that he saw the messages she sent me and he wanted his key back, and she had till 8pm to drop it off and she was to put it through the letterbox and not bother trying to talk to him. If she didn't he'd be having his locks changed. HE THEN BLOCKED HER NUMBER!. When I asked him if he was being a bit hasty and maybe he should talk to her instead he told me he could forgive a lot of things and they could have even worked through her not liking his hobby but no one talks to me like that or makes gross implications like that to me.

He then refused to talk further about her insisting we keep building the set. I left about 2 hours ago and i'm just sitting laughing about this and a bit amused by this whole mess. My boyfriend can't stop laughing over this and told me he was glad he never got on my brothers wrong side

EDIT: Some updates that happened as I had to wait to have my post approved. My brother let me know she did turn up to return his keys but she didn't put them through the letterbox like he asked, at least not at first. She apparently stood knocking and shouting at the door for an hour before finally putting it through the letterbox calling him all kinds of names through it as she did so, he was apparently just building his lego as she did this and kept turning his music up so it was clear he was home but he was ignoring her.

On his way to work he also dropped her keys in through her letterbox so he wouldn't have to interact with her. I've asked him if this is being petty and maybe he should have talked to her he told me that yes, he's being petty, and if she wants to make him "grow up" then he will be childish with her. I've also blocked his now ex-girlfriend as she began to message me blaming me for this mess and asking me what I did. So yeah, that is what happened! thought you'd all like this additional information.

Comments

ForeignCup6977

GOOD FOR YOUR BROTHER!

His girlfriend felt threatened BY HIS SISTER! That is a huge red flag and shows how intensely insecure she is. I've been in a relationship with a woman like this, even married her. I was ever so slowly turned away from my own friends and family over her insecurity to the point I found myself in a completely different job, career field, living overseas when I began to realize how toxic she truly was.

You're brother dodged a bullet here and his life and your relationship with him will be better for it.

CakePhool

I think that was what broke the camels back. I think she been doing stuff and saying things about his hobby that he could work out and talk through, she just step over a boundary by messing with you.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ArchiLoveSen posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 15th June 2026

Update - 21st July 2026

​

AITAH for not giving my fiancé’s sister (30F) a plus-one to our wedding for her boyfriend (30M) of one month after she blocked my fiancé (30M)?

​

My fiancé (36M) and I (31F) are planning our wedding. We’ve been together for many years, and we recently sent out our invitations.

We decided to follow a general rule for plus-ones: guests only get a plus-one if they are married, engaged, living together or in a more established relationship. We are not giving casual/new partners automatic invites mostly because of numbers, cost and trying to keep things consistent.

My fiancé’s sister (35F) has a very tense relationship with him/us. From our perspective she struggles to have calm and constructive conversations. From her perspective she feels like we don’t understand her and that she is always being attacked.

The last time my fiancé and his sister were together, things ended badly. She was shouting at her young child for what felt like a long time and was saying some hurtful things. My fiancé stepped in and said something along the lines of, “Okay, that’s enough.” She did not take that well, asked him to leave and then blocked him.

Since then she has not spoken to him directly.

When we sent out the wedding invitations we did not give her a plus-one because she has only been with her current boyfriend for about a month. We applied the same rule to everyone else.

Now she has sent their dad to ask why she did not get a plus-one. This has annoyed us because my fiancé is literally blocked by her but she is still demanding a plus-one through a third party instead of speaking to us herself - like an adult.

We feel like it is unfair for her to refuse direct communication with us but still expect us to accommodate her new boyfriend (or apparently she is going to bring her best friend if her and her BF are not together) at our wedding. We also don’t want extra drama on the day, especially given the existing tension.

At the same time, I do understand that she may feel weird attending alone.

AITA for not giving my fiancé’s sister a plus-one to our wedding when she has only been with her boyfriend for about a month and currently has my fiancé blocked?

​

Comments

​

lymers

NTA its not even like she will be alone. Its a family event, so she will know a good chunk of people there.

OOP: TRUE! I'm actually going to use that/point that out! She has her whole immediate family as well as her aunts and uncles!

Designer_Thought2907

This is the hill you die on. She already blocked her brother, so what else can she do to kill the relationship?

OOP: True - what relationship is there even?

hailspork

Given that she blocked you, I'm surprised she got an invite.

Aiyokusama

Why is she even coming at all? o.O She has her brother BLOCKED. She's decided to go no contact, so respect that and don't have her at the wedding. NTA for your rule, which is perfectly reasonable and one I wish my cousin had at her wedding. It would have stopped my idiot bf of the time from getting ideas.

OOP: We are very close to just not having her at all! But as she is the golden child he doesn't want to cause waves with his parents - it is all to political and we are beyond frustrated!

​

**Judgement - NTA*\*

​

Update - 5 weeks later

​

Well... I don't think the plus-one is an issue anymore.

Since my original post there hadn't been any contact between my fiancé and his sister. Then today she reached out to him about an unrelated matter.

He responded politely but the conversation quickly deteriorated - turned into more accusations about past events with both of them clearly seeing things very differently – I have had the same experience with her – there is reality and then there is her reality (spoiler alert - it is not the same). The reason I am bringing this up is in her messages (in the past as well as today) she speaks of the different realities - it makes it very difficult to speak to her.

Eventually my fiancé said that given where things stand it would probably be better if they just left each other alone.

At the end of their conversation he said that while they were speaking she didn't need to worry about the wedding anymore because it would just be awkward for everyone involved – she responded “I wasn’t” – which was a little ironic, considering she'd previously had their dad asking why she didn't get a plus-one and whether she could bring her new boyfriend (or alternatively a friend).

​

Comments

​

ilovedragons218

I think you dodged a bullet because she would have caused drama at the wedding, but FYI, she may still try to come; just keep in the back of your mind. Now go & have a great day.

OOP: Thank you and we also think she might show up - but there is a check in at security so we will probably give her name to security to not let her in.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/manbearpigserial posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 10th April 2026

Update - 21st July 2026

Editor's note - partner here refers to business partner, a common way for law firms to be structured

​

AITAH if I allow my law firm to be sold or go out of business?

​

Lont story short I (M37) am a minority partner in a law firm. My partner (M81) owns 90% of the business, I own 10%. I was brought on about 2 years ago as a means of resolving a cash flow issue. I'm basically a silent partner. It's been great for me as I've made my investment back and then some from my share of profits and he handles all the parts of running a business that suck like bookkeeping, marketing, etc.

My partner has been insistent for about a week now that we make time to have lunch just the 2 of us. Us doing lunch together isn't super unusual, but him being so insistent was, so I knew something was up. Today that finally worked out.

We talked and he told me he thinks it's time to retire. He wants to wrap things up on his end and be done by the end of the year. The big reason he wanted to talk to me is he wants me to buy him out.

Now under our partnership agreement, he had to offer it to me first, so I figured maybe this is just a formality. I said I am happy for him and his retirement, it's well deserved, and he should enjoy the rest of his life. However, I don't want the business.

He seemed pretty taken back by that to my surprise. He said if I didn't take it he has someone else in mind he would sell it to but he'd rather I take it over. I know the attorney he wants to sell to and I like and respect that attorney. He was actually a senior associate at a law firm I worked at when I first became a lawyer and was somewhat of a mentor to me. We still talk pretty often.

He will make the purchase wanting to increase his client base, but that's all the transaction will really be to him. He would want our client book so to speak but he won't want staff and the other parts of the firm.

That's the problem.

I am protected, the new partner either would have to buy me out too or we would have to work out a structure where I become a partner in the merged law firms in some way. Perhaps I'm no longer a partner but I can give up my shares in return for a job or a buyout. I'm going to make money off of this or have a job. It's really not a big deal to me, especially since this other attorney and I have a good relationship, I'm confident him and I would work something out.

My coworkers, however, are not. This lawyer will almost certainly fire more than half of the people I work with. These people rely on this job, have families, mortgages, etc. I would feel terrible knowing I could have saved their jobs and didn't.

On the other hand, I have never wanted to run a business. It's not in my dna to do all of the things being the majority owner is required to do. I don't want to have to worry about things like cash flow, expenses, marketing, etc.

Our conversation ended with my partner saying why don't I take the weekend and truly think about if I want this and we can talk Monday. I said that's unlikely to change things but sure.

I'm not changing my mind. It's just not what I want to do, and it doesn't line up with my goals at this time. I know this means my coworkers will probably lose their jobs.

AITAH for allowing that to happen?

​

Comments

​

Brownie-0109

This is not on you If he’s concerned about the livelihood of the other employees there, he should re-consider who he’s selling to

OOP: Idk how concerned he is. I'm concerned

cawkstrangla

While noble, if you don't want to stick around as an owner, then you will lose your power at some point and these people will be fired regardless. You're not really doing anything but delaying the inevitable. At best you can negotiate a buy out that gives these people a nice severance.

I'm not sure what you're really going to accomplish but NTA.

Cezzium

There is a saying.

Do not light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

it is difficult to contemplate people being let go. As your partner asked you, spend this time to do the attorney thing. pros and cons. make sure you know the answer to every question you can think of. how much institutional knowledge does the partner have, what would x or y or z look like, etc.

then do what make the most sense to you. If you really think you could make it go with additional staff for operations and it would not drag you down, then do that. if you really cannot see yourself in a major role then you need to let it go.

Cute-Profession9983

How in this are YTA? You're an investor. And if the narrative is to be believed, not a predatory one. You are a 10% minority owner who apparently does nothing but collect checks at this point. I don't think any reasonable person would expect you to suddenly become boss of the business. Cash out! Most of us don't get to...

OOP: I don't just collect paychecks. I also am an attorney and do typical attorney work for the firm

Cute-Profession9983

Are you invested in the day to day operations as an attorney? Your screed made it sound like you were a silent partner in rhe wings. Do the day to day employees see you as someone who would take the reins?

OOP: I have 3 people that report to me directly and when my partner isn't around due to vacation or something like that then everyone reports to me until he returns. They've all reported to me at some point or another.

Cosmo_Cloudy

So you're a boss with a 10% share. These people are probably expecting you to take over because they know they'll otherwise be fired. I know you don't want to buy it, but you also feel concern for these people you've grown to know. Have you considered buying him out to keep your employees, and then selling 90% of the company to someone else again entirely, with the caveat they keep all current employees for a set amount of time, and X amount of time notice of a termination date? Or have you considered telling the guy selling 90% that he should do this with the other guy?

OOP: Easier said than done. I'd have to find a buyer on those terms and that's not going to be easy or potentially even possible.

​

**Judgement - NTA*\*

​

Update - 3 months later

​

Figured I would update everyone what ended up happening. Long story short, I did not buy the firm, and the firm was sold to the lawyer discussed in my previous email. The sale closed just over a month ago.

The new attorney, as previously mentioned was a former mentor, was happy to take me on as a partner. He told me I could not put any additional money in and my share in the merged firms would be around 4%, I could put money in and buy in at any percentage I wanted up to 25%, or I could be bought out and either just be an employee or find a new job.

I ended up putting in money to the venture and own 10% of the firm post-merger, same as the old firm. My responsibilities remain largely unchanged.

As for my co-workers not all of them lost their jobs.

My old boss/partner is staying on through the end of the year to help with the transition. He is now technically an employee which is a funny dynamic now between him and I. He jokingly tried giving me an order the day after the merger and we both laughed when I told him, from now on I'll be the one giving him the orders. He is then officially retiring at the end of the year and moving out of state to be closer to his son and new grandchild. I found out this is the reason he wanted to get out of the business and retire. He also had a minor health scare that I didn't know about that hastened his decision.

Of the 3 other attorneys in our firm, 1 of them is employed at the new firm. 1 of them was let go but given a month's severance. The 1 I mentioned in comments had demons unfortunately succumbed to their demons about 2 weeks after my post.

Our secretary likewise lost her job as the firm we merged with already had one. She was given severance.

Of our other staff (paralegals, clerks, etc.) of which there were 7 at the old firm, 3 of them got to keep their jobs. However, one of them quit rather than staying on. My paralegal was one of the ones who got to stay along with the paralegal of the other attorney we kept on. The others were given severance.

All employees who lost their jobs were given letters of recommendation from both my former boss/partner and I. I was able to get 1 of the paralegals a job at a firm I knew was hiring. Another 1 of them I heard has a job at another firm through the grapevine. I am not sure what happened to the others.

The last month has been different, but overall, I think everyone still here is happy. My new boss/partner and I get along well so far.

​

Comments

​

Old-Ninja-113

NTA Nice! You guys seemed to look after those that got let go. Seems like it worked out!

OOP: We definitely tried to help where we could. Thank you!!

brownmajikk

I’m a little surprised that your valuation in the merged firm was less than half given that the old firm was much larger than the one doing the buying

OOP: Larger by employees and case load, yes, but the other firm had higher value cases and clients. We're also in a space that's rent is pretty pricey where they are in a space that the firm owns the building. We occupied 2 suites in our building and now we're just going to occupy 1 which will shrink costs.

After seeing the books the other firm had a higher profit margin and owning the building also boosts that business' value

Restivethought

Dang this led to someone taking their life?

OOP: No, sorry if it gives that impression. He had issues with addiction and unfortunately those issues claimed his life. It was not believed to be a suicide. Edit: It also happened before anyone at the firm besides my old boss and I knew about the potential merger or my boss looking to sell the company

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/solngvir1

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 14, 2026

• Update: July 17, 2026

Main Post

^{July 14, 2026}

My (25F) stepmom (44F) has blocked me from seeing anything involving my dad (59M) and says she will unblock me when she feels ready. I feel shut out.

My dad and stepmom have been married for several years. My brother and I used to be invited to holidays and other family events fairly often. At the time, my brother was a police officer and I was a corrections officer, so our schedules sometimes made it difficult or impossible to attend. We did not intentionally avoid the family, but we understandably could not make it to every event.

Apparently, our inability to attend everything hurt my stepmom much more than either of us realized. Eventually, she stopped inviting us altogether.

A little over a year ago, I started talking to my brother about how disconnected I felt. I kept seeing Facebook posts of my dad, my stepmom, and her children celebrating holidays and attending family events together, while my brother and I were rarely invited or involved. My brother confronted my stepmom about it directly.

The confrontation became a much larger conflict than I ever expected. According to my stepmom, it caused so much hurt and tension that she and my dad discussed divorce. Afterward, she changed her Facebook privacy settings so my brother and I could no longer see posts involving her family, including posts and photos involving our own dad.

I only fully confirmed this a few days ago. I logged into an old Facebook account that was still connected with my dad and saw several posts my stepmom had tagged him in. None of them appeared on my regular account. I asked her directly whether she had blocked me from certain posts, and she confirmed that she had.

She explained that the situation last year had been extremely painful for her and that changing the privacy settings was her way of protecting her peace, protecting her marriage, and preventing future family conflict. She said the decision was not intended to hurt me or push me away.

I responded as respectfully as I could. I explained that I understood why the original conflict hurt her and that I was not angry or jealous about her spending time with my dad and her children. I also told her that I understand we all have separate schedules and lives, and that I do not expect to be involved in every family activity.

What has been difficult is feeling completely disconnected from my dad and that side of the family. Even when I cannot attend something, seeing an occasional picture of my dad or seeing everyone together helps me feel like I am still connected to them in some small way.

I also told her that it has now been over a year, that I have reflected on what happened, and that I believe I have grown from it. I apologized previously and made it clear that I do not want to return to the conflict we had before. I simply hoped she might eventually feel comfortable allowing me to see those posts again.

She responded kindly, but said that the situation nearly cost her marriage and that she still has her guard up. She said rebuilding trust and feeling emotionally safe will take time. She also said she wants to be able to post whatever she wants about herself, my dad, and her children without worrying about anyone reacting negatively. She said that when she feels ready, she will change the privacy settings.

I understand that she was hurt, and I am not trying to tell her how quickly she should recover. At the same time, there is no indication of when she might feel ready. It could be months, years, or possibly never.

The social media issue also made me think more seriously about my relationship with my dad outside of Facebook. Whenever I ask to spend time with him, he usually has to confirm with my stepmom that it is okay first. The last time I spent time alone with him was more than six months ago, when we went to lunch. During the lunch, my stepmom called him repeatedly, sometimes only a few minutes apart, which made it difficult for us to have a genuine conversation. In fact, I called my dad today to see if we could schedule a time for the two of us to get lunch or dinner together, and he told me he had to make sure it was okay with my stepmom first.

I have not felt like I have been able to maintain a close, independent relationship with my dad for a long time. I feel as though access to him depends on whether my stepmom is comfortable with it. I do not want to create more conflict in their marriage, and I am not asking him to choose between his wife and his children. I just want to be able to have a relationship with my dad that is not constantly filtered through someone else.

My dad is turning 60 this year. I know that is not extremely old, but it has made me think about how limited our time with our parents really is. I want to spend time with him, talk to him, and continue making memories while we still can. Instead, I feel like more and more time is passing while I wait for my stepmom to decide that she feels comfortable with me again.

This has been seriously affecting my mental health. I feel rejected, excluded, and distanced from my dad. At the same time, I recognize that my stepmom has her own feelings and believes she is protecting herself and her marriage.

I feel that this has gone beyond protecting her peace and has become a way of shutting me out of my dad’s life? How can I address this with my dad without making him feel like he has to choose sides?

EDIT:

I understand why many of you are saying my dad is responsible for maintaining a relationship with me, and I agree. However, I am surprised that many have dismissed the possibility that there may be a controlling dynamic going on within his marriage. The last time I had lunch with my dad, which I mentioned in my initial post below, my stepmom called him repeatedly, and we could barely have a genuine conversation without her interrupting. At one point I even told him he didn’t have to answer her calls and that it could wait, but he told me that if he didn’t answer her calls, it would cause a huge fight or argument between them.

As previous others have stated, if the roles were reversed, and this was a mother who said she needed her husband’s permission to have a meal alone with her daughter, while he repeatedly called her throughout and said if she ignored his calls it would create an argument, I think many would recognize that as potentially controlling behavior!

I believe my dad is trying to avoid conflict, is afraid of ruining his marriage, is unable to stand up to his wife, or is just simply worried about the consequences of upsetting her.

COMMENTS

OOP cannot communicate privately with their father

That’s the problem. We hardly have any opportunities to speak with our dad directly. She has access to his phone and reads every conversation we have with him. We can’t get time alone with him to have these conversations. I know my dad is just trying to be neutral in this situation or probably doesn’t even know how to handle it.

OOP's view of the family dynamic

Or rather my stepmom has created an environment in which my dad doesn’t even feel safe or like he is able to prioritize us, without potentially causing offense to his wife or damaging the relationship. In our state, men rarely, if ever, come out of a divorce with anything.

OOP clarifies they previously had a good relationship with their stepmother

Those are insane assumptions. I have previously had no issues with my stepmom and I have appreciated how happy she seems to have made my dad. In fact, my brother and I used to be incredibly close with our stepmom, to the point where we both called and visited often. It wasn’t until she began no longer involving us that the dynamic changed. Where did I once state my goal was to separate my dad and my stepmom? My only goal is for us to “get on,” but it is incredibly difficult to do so when we are no longer included in family events or holidays.

Example OOP believes indicates a controlling relationship

I know he genuinely cares about us and having a relationship with us. However, I am under the assumption that his wife is making him choose between us or her, or threatening divorce. The last time my dad and I got lunch together, his wife was calling him, and I wish I was joking, every 2 minutes. I told him he doesn’t need to answer her and that it can wait, and he explained that if he didn’t answer, it would cause a huge fight between them.

If the roles were reversed as other commenters have stated, and this was my mother instead of my dad, most people would agree that it is a controlling and abusive relationship.

Blonde2468

Unfortunately, you have to face the fact that YOUR FATHER ALLOWS THIS.

OOP

I understand that he has some responsibility for allowing it, and I’m not trying to excuse him altogether.

I genuinely don’t know whether he fully realizes what is happening because we rarely get the opportunity to speak to him privately about any of it. The last time the issue came up, it was presented to him in a way that made my brother and me seem entirely at fault, while our feelings and perspective seemed to get lost.

I don’t know exactly what she says to him behind closed doors, but it often feels like the situation is framed around her hurt and her need for peace, without much acknowledgment of how her decisions affect us or our relationship with our dad. That is why I want the chance to speak with him directly, rather than assuming he knows the entire story and simply does not care. I think that’s an extreme assumption.

Unlikely_Bake_846

Why are you taking with her and not your dad?

OOP

Because I can’t get together with my dad privately to have this discussion! She always has an excuse that they have something important going on that day that they both need to be present for. I can’t often call or text my dad to discuss it either because she goes through his phone and I never know if she’s in the room or not during a phone call.

2workigo

Why are you going through all this with the new wife and not speaking directly to your father???

OOP

I urge you to read previous comments asking the same thing. My stepmother goes through his phone and therefore nothing I text my dad is private. I cannot get together with my dad privately because my stepmom always has an excuse that there is something else going on that they both need to be present/available for. She is attached to him at the hip. The last time I got lunch with my dad to have an important conversation with him, she was calling him every 2 minutes. I even told my dad he could talk to her later, and he said if he didn’t answer it would cause a huge fight between them.

Small Update in the main post

My dad called me back today and said we can get lunch or dinner this Thursday. Funny enough, I heard my stepmom in the background saying “But we have this thing going on on Thursday,” to which I said that they usually do that thing in the mornings so dinner should work just fine to which my dad agreed. I’m happy I’ll finally be able to spend quality time with my dad and address the concerns I’ve had. Thanks to the helpful comments regarding this situation.

Update - after 3 days

^{July 17, 2026}

UPDATE: My (25F) stepmom (44F) has blocked me from seeing anything involving my dad (59M) and says she will unblock me when she feels ready. I feel shut out?

I did have dinner with my dad tonight, which I am so thankful for. I could tell he was so happy to spend time with me.

The first thing he told me when I picked him up was how he had a hard time sleeping last night and had high blood pressure because he was so anxious about how his wife (my stepmom) would react to us having dinner together privately. He shared with me that she argued about feeling “left out,” (mind you they do EVERYTHING together, go EVERYWHERE together, etc).

She tried really hard to get him to cancel, and knowing it might upset her, he went anyways. She claimed my dad only cares about my feelings and that I was trying to “start things up again,” like last year.

My dad said that she also told him this, which made my mouth drop to the floor in anger, “Who’s going to be there when you are sick or on your deathbed? Not your kids, ME!”

Who on earth says that? My stepmom clearly doesn’t understand the love I have for my dad and I am so offended by that. He said himself he feels like she’s put him in a position where he feels like he has to choose between her or his kids (my brother and I) and that only her kids seem to matter. He also admitted to noticing that she has seemed to use her feelings/emotions as a way to try and manipulate him.

We talked about so much involving this and I can’t remember everything, but he did also confirm that while they never argue about anything, the only time an argument comes up is when it involves us (his kids). I think this dinner really opened my eyes and affirmed the suspicions I had, and hopefully his as well. He was already very anxious so I did not show him the post and comments because I didn’t want to make things worse.

For those of you who claimed my dad was the bad guy here, I hope this update might make you see things differently. Thank you.

COMMENTS

Theunpolitical

My dad was in a very similar relationship, and I told him the following:

"If you ever need to leave, or if things get really bad between you two, just call me and tell me to come get you. No questions asked."

I wanted him to know that I was a safe place. No judgment. No lectures. No "I told you so." Just someone who would show up.

He lived about four hours away at the time. Toward the end of his life, her behavior became so much worse, especially when it came to taking care of him. The sad part was that he didn't require much help. He was incredibly independent for as long as he possibly could be, yet she acted as though every small request was the biggest inconvenience in the world. She was like every evil Disney stepmother rolled into one. From what you've described, your stepmom sounds very similar.

OOP

The crazy thing is she has him convinced that she loves us and cares about us like her own children, and has told him she wishes she was our real mom. But that contradicts everything that has happened or is happening.

Something else I have not shared previously is that I have another brother who is no longer involved in the family (from some crazy stuff that supposedly happened between my stepmom and him) and the one brother I’ve mentioned in my posts is at a point where he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to be involved in the family drama, but was pushed away by my stepmom, so I’m the only child my dad has left who is still there, trying, and caring.

The bond my dad and I have is very strong and I believe now, at this point, he would divorce her in a heart beat if she forced that decision of “me or your daughter” onto him.

Aggressive-Unit-5105

You haven’t said but don’t either of them work? Is there not a chance to get him outside the house on an errand? I know you said she is stuck to him and they do everything together, but where does the money to live come from?

OOP

They co-own a business.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA-724 posting in r/confessions

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 19th July 2026

Update - 21st July 2026

I’m in love with my best fiend and have been for 12 years

I literally downloaded Reddit for this and I feel so stupid. I’ve read a few of the confessions here and there all like “wow”. But I’ve never told anyone this and i genuinely feel like I’m losing my mind.

I’m in love with my best friend. I have been since we were 15. (Now we’re 27)The way he smiles, talks, laughs, walks, bro the way he breaths make me fall deeper in love with him. It’s like everyday I unlock a little more about him and I can’t help it.

He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever met. He’s funny and so so kind and respectful. He’s just such a genuine person and always makes sure you’re ok. Seeing him smile makes me smile almost instantly cause he’s just that kind of person. It’s sound cliche but he really doesn’t light up a room.

He’s always done whatever it takes to be there for me. When my car broke down he basically gave me his car for three weeks and rode the bus everywhere. He literally skipped one of his soccer practices when we were in high school because I was crying and took me to get ice cream.

He remembers the little things like how I said I like coconut creamer specifically in my coffee or how I have to fall asleep with something playing the background. Anytime I’m over at his house he sleeps on the couch and lets me take his bed so I can have the tv on. It probably sounds stupid but it means so much to me. He means so much to me.

When I’m with him it’s like everything is fine in the world. Even when things are bad I know that I’ll be ok. He has a stable job, his own house, a car, he’s basically the perfect guy.

I just don’t know how to tell him. And honestly I probably never will. I’ve dated a few guys before but only for very little and we never did anything together. I just kept looking for him in all of them and I couldn’t find it.

He’s also dated a few girls but they were more long term and he’s been single for like 8 months now. I’m just scared that if I’ll tell him I’ll ruin everything. Right now we’re perfect. What if I tell him and it’s awkward? Or he thinks it’s weird? Or he hates me? Or he doesn’t want to be friends anymore?

I just don’t want to lose him. He’s everything to me. So if being his friend for the rest of my life and never telling him how I feel keep us together, then I’ll do just that. I’ll be his bestfriend. And he’ll be my world. I’ll probably be there for his wedding and I’ll have to smile and clap as the man I would literally die for walks into his new life with another women. It sucks to think about but it’s just the way it is.

If you read this thank you for listening to me ramble. I’ll probably never say this out loud but hey at least I typed it right?😭.

Comments

GREYDRAGON1

So here’s the thing life is made up of moments of absolute courage. 30 seconds can change your life. You’re an adult now, so have the adult conversation. Tell him how you feel, tell him you’d like to try. If he’s a true friend you may be the best together, if he’s a true friend and it doesn’t work you’ll still be friends. But it starts with 30 seconds of courage and a converataion

OOP: You’re right I’m gunna talk to him about it. I’m almost 30 I can’t keep hiding how I feel. Thank you

GeneralLate5860

the coconut creamer and the tv thing got me. he already loves you he just doesn't know it yet

OOP: He always notices things like that and it’s one of the things I love the most about him

Ben62194

What if op he's in love with you as well and he's thinking the same? You never know untill you go for it!

skeeballbob37

if you dont speak up now while you are both single, you will regret it for the rest of your life. you will always wonder "what if" and picture a life that never happened. the worst that can happen is he wont feel the same way. you have been friends long enough that it probably wont hurt the friendship but on the flip side this is the kind of thing that can end in a lifelong happy marriage.

give it a shot, ask him if he ever wondered if the two of you could be more and if he is willing to give it a try to find out.

OOP: Thank you. These comments have convinced me to give it a go. I’m scared but I gotta at least try

Update - 1 day later

So uhh guys I did it. I told him and it went fucking great😭 idk how to type this so that it’s short but basically I invited him over and sat him down and said I had something important to tell him.

I don’t remember exactly what I said cause I was just sort of rambling. But I was pretty much saying how he was a great person and how I’ve been feeling this for a while and just wanted to get it off my chest. I said that I had feelings for him and have for a while and just wanted to know how he would feel about maybe trying to be more than friends.

And dude idk why it might’ve been because I had some wine before he came over to loosen my nerves or the fact that I’m on my period but I started crying😭 like deadass sobbing and went on like a little rant about how I didn’t want to lose him and if he didn’t feel the same way it was totally ok and I completely understood.

The entire time he was quiet and I thought I was so done and then he just burst out laughing and hugged me.😭 And uh then he kissed me and I swear to god I think I died, went to heaven, and was reborn😭 we talked and he basically said that he felt the same way and has for a few years he just didn’t want to mess up the routine we had

Then uhh you know some adult decisions were made. And honestly I see why everyone would rave about it when I was younger. It was my first time and it was great😭 after we took a shower together and he gave me a massage and ordered tacos. It was really cute.

Thank you to everyone that convinced me to tell him cause I would’ve never gotten the courage. He’s laying next to me right now and laughing like an asshole as he watches me write this😒I showed him the post I made and he said I had to give an update so here ya go😭.

He keeps making fun of how long I’ve liked him for. He’s never gunna let this go I can’t believe I like this idiot😭.

Comments

Southern_Coast_1249

Congrats on finally getting that off your chest after 12 years, that's a hell of a weight to carry around The crying part got me though, I would've been the same way. Wine and period hormones teaming up is basically a recipe for emotional chaos but sounds like it worked out perfectly anyway Him laughing and then just going for it is such a classic move. He was probably sitting there the whole time thinking "finally" while you were rambling Enjoy your tacos and your idiot, you earned this

OOP: Thank you! Yea probably wasn’t the best moment for me but hey it worked out

Huts_Almera

"he's laying next to me laughing as I write this" is the ending everyone deserved. 12 years and tacos. perfect

doom-cupcake

12 years is honestly a long time to sit on something and i respect the commitment to the bit

OOP: Yea time honestly just flew by. One day we were in high school and skipping class to hang out and then next we were in our late 20s😭

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/anonymous8311272 posting in r/offmychest

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 3rd May 2026

Update - 10th June 2026

My fiancé threw a glass at my head because he got mad about a football player's number

I don't even know what to do right now. Yesterday my fiancé threw a glass at my head. It was a beer glass so it was really heavy and it made a dent in the wall and broke and there was glass all over the place. He said he was sorry and I just said it's fine because I was so freaked out. He's never done any like this or put his hands on me before but I was scared.

I don't even know why he was mad. He was upset about football. He was mad because of the jersey number of the new player on his team. I don't watch football and I had no idea why a player's number was such a big deal. I know he is excited about this player joining the team but I don't get what the problem with the number is.

He just screamed at me and threw the glass. Just because I asked a fucking question. There was glass all over and a piece nicked my leg a little. It's a small nick and he said he was sorry later but he freaked me out. I'm at work now and I can't stop thinking about it . I didn't sleep. I only stayed here in Texas after I graduated because he was from here. But since yesterday I have been thinking about going back to my home state. My confession is that I don't want to marry him anymore.

Comments

Truebeliever-14

Pack your bags and leave when he is out of the house. This is abuse and will only escalate.

TheFunInDisfunction

Yes! This is absolutely unhinged behavior. If he's having such a violent reaction to some stupid football thing, imagine his reaction when there is an issue that directly affects him.

Min_sora

He can't control his temper and you're right to want to get away from him. There's no reason to throw a glass at someone's head and he did it over a particularly stupid, petty thing.

Captain_Sarcastica

I mean I threw a glass a guys head who was drunk and broke into my house at night. So there are reasons… the OP fiancé reason is not one that requires a glass thrown

quiet_confessions

Did you check what the guy’s jersey number was when he broke in? I think that would have justified it! At least if OP’s boyfriend was on the jury….🙄.

Update - 2 months later

My update is that I have moved out and my relationship with him is over. I wanted to post again mainly to thank everyone for all the love and support that I received in the comments. It wasn't just a small thing. I really needed them after what happened so I appreciate you all.

If anyone sent me a private message to show support I apologize for not replying to it. My messages ended up being full of people telling me he was right to be upset about the number and I overreacted or deserved it I just stopped reading my messages and deleted all of them. If you sent me a SUPPORTIVE message I appreciate you.

When I told him I was leaving he acted like he was in shock. I had already packed some things already and sent them back home. While I was packing the rest of my clothes he kept saying he didn't understand. He cried when I left and I didn't say where I was going.

I went back to my home state and I'm living with family. I'm working on getting a nursing license in this state so I can find a job. My home state doesn't have reciprocity with Texas so I have to apply for a license here before I can work. My family has been great.

They gave me money so I could pay the rent for the last two months of the lease so my ex-fiancé couldn't say I abandoned the lease. I'm grateful. I have no plans to go back. I don't even have a way to contact him because I have a new phone number and email and it's probably better that way. I knew there was no way to put the genie back in the bottle after what he did.

Comments

cjm8v5

I’m so so so glad you left. At my church - before football season every year - my pastor reminds everyone how much domestic violence incidents increase during football season. It’s a sad reality but I’m so glad you are out of there. You deserve all the blessings ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️.

CSILalaAnn

Statistically, Super Bowl Sunday is the highest DV call rate of the year.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/bagelsforeverx

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 19, 2026

• Update: July 21, 2026

Main Post

^{July 19, 2026}

WIBTAH if I (34F) asked my husbands (35M) family to pay for a ER visit which happened under their care.

This weekend my daughter Ava (13F) wanted to go over to her grandparents house to spend some time with her grandparents. My Sister in Law (30 F) was also visiting the grandparents house and had her coonhound named Ella.

Everything was going okay my husband and I were out enjoying a date night when we got a message from Ava that Ella tried to lunge at her but the grandma got between them. Then we get an update 2 minutes later that the dog had bit Ava and she was bleeding. We went to go pick Ava up.

There was a lot going on at the grandparents house that day my husband started freaking out and yelling on the way there so I told him we should be more empathetic because the grandparents did not want this to happen either and they are having a hard time too.

The SIL dogs have a history of behavioral health problems, i actually was biten by their OTHER dog unprovoked two years ago as well however I chalked it up to me not being smart and approaching their dog and the dog didn’t break skin.

I’m a little more than frustrated that if they knew the dog had issues that it was allowed to roam the house, this dog has barked at Ava before and it also got the grandparent in the face last night but did not break skin.

We get Ava and go home, the dog bite was on the back of the knee and the dog did puncture skin in one spot, the puncture was pretty deep and after an hour it was still bleeding. I called a nurseline through my insurance and the nurse assessed us and recommended we go into the ER within the hour.

The ER did a CAT scans because the bite was right on a joint. The ER decided not to stitch the wound but they cleaned it and gave us antibiotics. Ava is okay she had a lot of adrenaline but she is resting at home in her room and she is sore.

The following day I started talking to my husband about how much this is going to cost us and how we should talk to the BIL/SIL when he gets back in town or talk to his parents about home owner insurance to see if they could help. My husband doesn’t want to ask for any financial help stating that his parents wouldn’t ask us if it was reversed and his sister does not work so they don’t have money.

I countered with his sister and BIL just decided to buy a house worth double the value of their previous home this year, their home was fine and they just upgraded and that we could probably work out something together.

He told me I have always hated his family and that I’m coming after them. I told them that’s not true, for example I talk to his Mom more than he does AND i was the one who calmed HIM down before we got to their house I was the one who sat with his family and calmed them down and gave everyone hugs and told everyone it was okay and accidents happened. That one really hurt. We have had major difficulties with his family in the past but we have all grown and I really do try to do my best.

Also I would like to say that we do have a difficult relationship with the sister, the dynamic between the sister and her parents is very weird because she has health issues, she is prioritized a lot; it has happened multiple times where the sister is chosen over us; this makes asking for this even harder as I know what is going to happen.

Also the grandparents have rented out a condo to go to the beach in a few months out of their own pocket for a family vacation for all of us. So it’s difficult to want to put a financial burden on someone else.

I am NOT asking for someone to write me a check tomorrow, Ava is safe and at home; bills aren’t due immediately but I’m asking my husband consider asking his family for help since it was something that happened under their care at their home with their dog, in out state the dog owner is liable for the bite. I would like to have the family consider if the home insurance would help or if there is way where so money can be set aside for payments.

I have a high deductible plan, I have been sued for my medical debt twice by this hospital for unpaid bills and I don’t want to do it again, it is a big financial burden for us but we wanted to make sure Ava was okay. I don’t feel like we should have to front the bill.

TL;DR: My daughter was bit by my SILs dog on my in laws property, my daughter went to the ER. I would like to ask the family for help paying the ER bills. WIBTAH if we asked the family to help with the financial burden?

COMMENTS

GripLizard

NTA. SIL should be paying the bills, and her dogs should be put down.

OOP

They were talking about putting down the dog in front of Ava too, they are in the country always at home so I don’t want them to put down the dog and Ava feel like it’s her fault. They just need to find ways to keep the dog restrained away from other people or get the dog behavioral help.

WyvernJelly

I would get a head of this and explain things that might to your daughter when she's had a bit to adjust. Make sure she knows that whatever happened/happens isn't her fault. No contact between her and SIL/BIL. Also I would make sure this hasn't completely caused a fear of dogs. They're everywhere and I hate to see people afraid of them.

OOP

Thank you I already talked to her a bit about it. We actually have our own doggies, two labs. When we got home last night she cried and was loving on them. I think that will help her fear. I was also bit by a dog a few years ago and a cat..and my mom was bit by a dog as a kid. I guess we have bad luck? What I’m saying is I understand how traumatic it can be so I’m trying to help her out.

Tricky_Parsnip_6843

Ava said she feels it was her fault. What happened prior to the dog lunging? I.e. was the dog napping and she stepped on the tail when trying to pass the dog?

OOP

No she just feels guilt it was unprovoked. We had the same story from everyone involved. Ava was cutting apples, the dog howled at her, they thought the dog needed to go potty so they took the SIL took the dog out. The dog came back in went back up to Ava. Ava jumped back a little bit because she was scared and they dog lunged for her.

Fenway12345

I would say you need to not bring your daughter there again until she pays. Maybe be more subtle and a go fund me. I hope animal control is involvef

OOP

I totally get that too, I hesitated even letting her go this time. My mom senses were tingling, but she is also 13 so I try to let her have a bit of decision making abilities.

TopDifficult8754

Tell the sister if she doesn't pay the bills you will report the dogs. (Side note: the dogs should be reported though.)

OOP

Fully agree, however they live two hours from us and she doesn’t drive so not sure how that works? Should I report it to their county??

TurbulentDesk8682

You are not wrong for wanting help with the bill. But it should be the SIL that you ask for it.

It’s her dog, and the grandparents homeowners should HAVE TO be used. It will increase their homeowners insurance.

OOP (downvoted)

That makes sense to me, the in laws always help out the SIL because they are always talking about how they don’t have money. Again I don’t know their financial but they did buy a new house..I would like my husband to call the BIL, when the BIL gets back in town. He is the one who manages the finances and works. Also he is the level headed one so I think it’d be easier to approach.

I don’t want their insurance to go up either I was just thinking maybe it wouldn’t be as much as a burden to the SIL if the insurance covered it. I also highly expect the grandparents to try to pay for the SIL if they knew we were asking for money which I don’t want them to have to do.

Odd-Worth7752

you are totally enabling both irresponsible and potentially dangerous behavior. stop justifying a dangerous dog, an irresponsible owner and start protecting your kid!

OOP

Okay well I will go scorched earth, my husband will hate me, my in-laws will not invite us to vacation that’s suppose to happen in September on my daughters birthday and I’ll put a huge dent in my marriage and family relationships.

It’s not easy to make decisions it’s not black or white.

LeaJadis

ESH - You literally left your child in a home where dogs roam freely and YOU have been bitten. So this is a KNOWN issue.

The greater asshole are the owners of dogs that attacked humans. You report the bite to the authorities, you sue them for compensation, and you move on with your life. Their dog hurt someone - it’s their responsibility to pay for damages.

OOP

It’s fair to say that and it’s okay to judge however we did not know the dog would roam free, when the dog is at the in laws it’s typically outside on a lead or in a cage. Again my mom sense were tingling but it was an accident all around, no one wanted it to happen. Their other dog who bit me passed away of health issues.

This was a communication issue on my part so I can see your point, I should have confirmed the dog would be put up. I just assumed the best and didn’t expect the worse. They are still family and I trusted them.

Stn1217 (downvoted)

Yes, YTAH. If you know your In-Laws don’t have the money and that the owner of the dog doesn’t have a job then, why even consider trying to get money from them? Your insurance should cover the ER visit as well as the CAT scans. And even if it doesn’t, it was your decision to call a Nurse and to take their advice to take Ava to the ER rather than clean Ava’s dog bite and put some Neosporin on it, yourself.

OOP

We cleaned the bite and it was bleeding for an hour it was something we actively review before we took her to the ER. I have a high deductible health plan and will have to pay everything towards that.

SouthernRain5775

If you’ve been sued twice for unpaid medical bills why have you not gotten PPO insurance instead of high deductible so you don’t have bills you can’t pay? This is something I’d 100% have my own health insurance pay. It wouldn’t even be a second thought. If it were a stranger’s house/stranger’s dog maybe I’d think about having their homeowner’s insurance cover it, but not if it’s family.

OOP

It cost 200% more to be on PPO. It would be an extra $450 a month. It’s a lot and even with PPO it’s still a $2,000 deductible then 80/20 coverage instead of $6,000 PLUS the extra premium. It would actually cost about the same out of pocket in the end. Even if I had PPO today I’d still end up paying.

Update - after 2 days

^{July 21, 2026}

UPDATE: WIBTAH if I asked for medical bills to be covered for a dog bite

Hi all,

Yesterday I posted about my daughter Ava being bit by my SILs dog. I deleted the post because it’s been a very emotional few days and frankly i could t handle the internet.

A lot of you said to validate that the dog was vaccinated for Rabies. Im so thankful for everyone’s seriousness because IT WASNT VACCINATED.

Today i called the sheriff and reported the bite so we can take nexts steps to make sure the dog is quarantined and managed appropriately, i told the family so they were aware.

Im following up with Ava’s primary care tomorrow to see what the medical opinion is on if we should go ahead and get the rabies shot. Their office is closed now or else I’d call now.

My husband went over to their house today and confirmed the sister will pay our bills. This was covered without any hesitation. I’m still not okay with my husbands response, we slept apart last night and we have therapy this week which we will use to find a way to heal.

Lastly and sadly the family has canceled the vacation. Which we figured would be the response.

Thank you again for really pushing for the confirmation on vaccines we are taking every step to make sure that the dog is quarantined and our daughter’s safety is top priority.

COMMENTS

Why are you waiting to ask your daughter's doctor about rabies shots instead of getting them immediately?

Hi,

I’m not sure I understand what you mean on vaccinating my child to being with? It’s not a preventative shot that’s offered here. We did not know the dog was unvaccinated until tonight and I followed up with a nurse and medical advice and the sheriff.

I’m following exactly what the medical professionals are telling me to do. I absolutely promise don’t want daughter to die of rabies and I’m doing everything in my power to protect her.

Yep exactly the dog is quarantined. There is a reason dog to human rabies transmission is low in the US. It’s because our system works and I’m following the system and every single professional advice I’ve gotten in the last 24 hours. I’m doing everything i can.

That’s good to know thank you for sharing. I’m Following up again with her primary tomorrow and we have an appointment Thursday so I will get medical advice on next steps on what to do.

Why wasn't the ER already offering rabies shots, and how did the dog end up being unvaccinated?

I agree, I guess they took this dog to the vet multiple times this year and the shot wasn’t offered but it is on the owner as well for not understanding. The Rabies vaccine here comes with a paper and a tag.

Why isn't the dog being euthanized to test for rabies? When did the bite happen?

It’s not dead in our area you have to quarantine it for signs of rabies for 10 days. This is why I’m also calling Avas dr to follow medical advice.

No it happened Saturday.

Q: Since the dog is known and can be quarantined, what are you doing now?

Agree this is what I was told and this is a dog who has owners we know, it wasn’t loose.

Very reassuring thank you. I’m on the phone with the nurse now. The good news is we know the dog it wasn’t a stray or on the street. I just don’t want to take any chances so I’m asking the nurse for medical advice.

The bite was on the knee. The nurse gave me the protocol and I went over the info, the dog will be watched for 10 days. I will follow up with my pediatrician on the phone tomorrow and an appointment Thursday.

People are saying you should ignore the nurse and animal control and immediately get rabies treatment. Why are you waiting?

I’m following the instructions I’ve been given but I will see if I can get ahold of an all call pediatrician.

I just called the nurse line for her pediatrician and I’m following protocol from animal control and the nurse.

Yes of course I would not leave that information out. I told the nurse exactly what happened. I’m not messing with my daughters health.

I did call and I’m calling again in the morning.

Why didn't you vaccinate your daughter against rabies beforehand?

What do you mean not vaccinated my kid? You have said this twice? I’m not against vaccinating my child i have an appointment on Thursday with her primary, I called the emergency on call nurse tonight, I called the sheriffs office I called my animal control, and I’m calling her actual pediatrician again tomorrow. I am following every single professional person direction.

Okay got it, agree in the US it’s not even offered or talked about I just got her 12 year shots last Summer. We don’t have that option here.

How did you react when you learned the dog wasn't vaccinated for rabies?

I agree I was so angry I hung up on my husband when he told me.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/audreyhepburnloverr posting in r/GirlDinnerDiaries

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Long/Medium/Short

Original - 19th July 2026

Update - 20th July 2026

​

Mum wants to use my Klarna for a vacation she can't afford Advice Needed

​

I turned 20 yesterday and had a nice weekend away from home, and just gotten back to this mess.

My Dad's birthday is coming in September, and my mum wants to take him to Punta Cana. The thing is, she can't afford to pay the full amount straight away.

My mum used to have her own Klarna account, but after missing 99% of her payments and late fees building up, they eventually banned her account for her unreliability to keep up with payments. So she asked me if she could use mine (this was in 2024) and I said she can use it for stuff that she needs but not to go crazy on it because I was conscious of my credit score.

She hasn't listened, and until Christmas she had too many payments building up. I told her to stop buying so much stuff or I'd put payment authentication on my account. She didn't listen again so I changed the settings to send a code to both my number and email to verify that I'm making the purchase. Since I enforced this she's stopped buying as much and resorted to using her clearpay.

I've been planning to delete my Klarna account for months now. Since the start of the year. And I thought I was going to until we had an argument while on vacation a few months ago (over money) and she made my Dad ask me for the verification codes so she can use pay in 30 days for our overweight luggage. When I realized what she was doing I said I didn't get any codes and she came in and screamed at me to send her the codes.

Then once we made up and flew back home she said she can't afford to pay the full amount in 30 days. I said if you need to split it into 3 then that is fine, but don't use pay in 6 or pay in 12, and she completely went against what I said and used pay in 12. I was so mad at her for this and she promised she would pay off the rest by the end of June (she hasn't).

Now, she is planning my Dad's birthday vacation in Punta Cana. She already asked me if she can use my Klarna and I asked her if there's another way she can pay for this trip. She said there wasn't another option so I told her if you want to use my Klarna then use pay in 3 or pay in 6.

She kept insisting she needs to use pay in 12 because she can't afford the first two options. I reminded her again that I want to delete the account. She said I can't delete the account because I'm still buying stuff with it. I said that's exactly why I want to delete it. Anyway I reminded her once again if she wants to use my Klarna then she can't use the pay in 12, and her response was if she can't use pay in 12 then she can't take my dad on vacation. Guilt tripping much?

I'm also trying to save up to move out and to get a car. She knows this but she's says "I'm sure you still wouldn't be able to afford it". Every time I mention my awareness of my credit score she just laughs it off. I would've deleted this account if she hadn't used the pay in 12 behind my back. I've already asked her to pay the rest of that off soon and she said she can't afford it. I'm so tired of this. I can't seem to get her to listen to me.

​

Comments

​

StuffonBookshelfs

You need to put your foot down. Otherwise you’ll be in deep debt for the rest of your life so your mom can have luxuries she clearly cannot afford.

OkHistory3944

OP needs to check her credit report. Big chance she has loans she doesn’t even know about.

FriendToPredators

She’s never going to listen to you and she’s never going to change. I’m sorry you have an awful mother. It’s tough. Focus on what you can control and stick to that.

isawsparks27

OP this. You are never going to get the mother you deserve.

The details of every situation do not matter, even though manipulative people act like they do. It’s always a special situation, never entirely their fault, and you always had a hand in it somehow. There was never anything you could have done to make it work out better, and there never will be.

When you boil it down the pattern is clear. You cannot keep repeating the pattern with slightly different details (warnings, reminders, agreements, negotiations) and get a different result. She wants money/control/lifestyle and is choosing it over you. You aren’t going to change that motivation. You can’t repeat just protect yourself from it.

​

Update - 1 day later

​

Firstly I just want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I wasn't expecting that many responses, but I really appreciate everyone's support.

A lot of the advice I received was US-based (such as freezing my credit), but I'm in the UK, so I looked into the UK equivalent.

I've now cleared ALL the outstanding Klarna payments on my account, including the ones my mum had been using my account for. I've deleted the account and following the advice I was given, and will pretend that the account was banned due to late payments. My mum will be angry about this for sure but at least I saved myself from letting this go on even longer. I've also checked my credit reports with Experian, Equifax AND TransUnion and there are NO loans, credit cards or other accounts I don't recognize. Some people warned that my mum may have taken a loan out in my name, but my reports show that everything is clear. As an extra precaution, I've registered for Cifas Protective Registration, which adds an extra layer of identity checks if someone ever tries to apply for credit in my name.

I also wanted to clear something up because I saw a few comments asking why my Dad wasn't stopping this. He is completely oblivious. My mum has never told him how much debt she built up using my Klarna, and she told me once that if I ever told my Dad how much she owes, I wouldn't be welcome in my house anymore. As I stated in the last post I'm currently in the process of saving enough money, so that threat was something I had to take seriously. If it ever came to that point, my partner and his roommates would be more than willing to let me stay at their place. I've decided that I'll be staying with them for a few days just to have some space.

Going forward, she will no longer be using my Klarna account. There is no longer an account to use. The comments on my original post made me realize that I was essentially a doormat and I need to put firmer boundaries in place and protect my own financial future. Thank you to everyone who has made me realize that, no matter how brutal your comment was, I still appreciate it. However because this is the internet I have also gotten some comments calling me stupid, dumb, and one person even asked me if I'm r-worded. That is not right. I'm still a human being, learning to say no to my mother after years of giving in. Any hateful comments have been reported.

Thank you again to everyone who commented and encouraged me to take this seriously. 💕.

​

Comments

​

NoActuator9062

For what it's worth this is textbook financial abuse. Controlling your living situation and making you go into debt in your name so she can access credit...

This is recognized under the domestic abuse act 2021 (in the UK). Reporting this may help you get access to resources which would help you leave this situation sooner.

Again, this is a crime of abuse. Please don't stay any longer than you have to! Just because it isn't physical doesn't make it not abuse.

talkbackbaby

This is such a positive update. I'm really proud of you for taking control of the situation and protecting yourself, even though I know it wasn't easy. You set a boundary, checked your credit, and made a plan for your own future. That's a huge step. I hope this is the beginning of a much healthier chapter for you. And happy belated birthday, those macarons look well deserved.

Typical_Cupcake_8752

I’m so proud of you, OP. You will look back and be proud of yourself as well for taking quick action and actually prevented yourself for additional constraints with your mom. You know deep down this was the best foot forward and i hope that one day you are blessed in abundance - not only just with more money but more happiness and be more secured when making important decision.

OOP: Thank you, I saw your comment on my original post. I'm assuming you're Filipino too, so I feel like you might understand the cultural pressure a lot better than most people here. It doesn’t excuse what happened, but it definitely made it a lot harder to say no. I really appreciate your kindness.

KittyKilledYou

Fellow filipino and now that explains alot.. There’s so much pressure to obey and respect your elders. Proud of you for putting yourself first!💗. Also ignore the a-hole comments! Seems like a theme lol, my post blew up here once and I had a few that DMed me the rudest possible things

OOP: Thank you, and yeah people can be so vicious! I'm sorry you had to endure that.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Sea_Mouse9996

Published on: r/AITA_Relationships

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 22, 2026

• Update - 1: June 23, 2026

• Update - 2: Comments: June 26, 2026

Main Post

^{June 22, 2026}

AITA for saying "actions have consequences" to my daughter and wife?

I (48M) have a daughter (17F) and wife (47F). I also have a sister (45F). My sister was quite close to us and has gained considerable wealth through her career in medicine as well as through businesses she has started. When my daughter was 9, my sister told my wife and me that she had started college funds for my daughter as well as the rest of my brothers kids. My wife and I were very grateful.

Time skip until now, my daughter and wife (as well as my brothers and their families) discovered that my sister was cheating with a coworker. The betrayed wife ended up reaching out and telling us exactly what she did and how her husband was planning to leave her for my sister. My sister did not and does not want to get married or have kids, and basically ended up kicking him to the curb.

I want to make it clear that I 100% do not condone infidelity. My wife and daughter have been taken aback by this, and made their anger clearly visible. When my brother ended up inviting my brothers and their families as well as mine and my sister for a holiday, they cursed my sister out to their face, with my wife calling her a wh@re and my daughter calling her a "homewrecking slut". My brother ended up hearing this and kicked my family out, and have chosen to not invite my wife and daughter to any event. After this, my wife and daughter cut contact with my sister, while I still stayed in contact.

My sister was very hurt by my wife and daughters actions. In her view, she was a very engaged aunt and a supportive SIL (which to her credit, she was), and she felt as though they were choosing a stranger over her. After six months, my sister had received no apology or even contact from my wife and daughter. She then called me and told me we needed to discuss something. She stated that my wife and daughter had made their decisions about her, and she would do the same; she would not be disrespected, and was choosing to split my daughters college fund evenly amongst my brothers kids. I did not protest this decision, and while I didn't agree with my sister, I did not try to change her mind.

After this, I went home and told my wife and daughter this news. My daughter is a rising senior, and now has to go through this admissions process. She and my wife were both shocked and viewed it as extremely unfair. They were already angry enough at the fact that my brothers wanted nothing to do with them, and thought that they were being punished by everyone for doing the right thing. My duaghter began to cry saying that she would never be able to afford to go to the college of her dreams. My wife asked what I said to my sister, and I said nothing. I stated that actions had consequences, and they were free to make their moral choices, and my sister could make her financial choices. They both called me an asshole and have been distant. So, Reddit AITA?

COMMENTS

nouniqueusername95

ESH. you, your sister and all your siblings, your wife and daughter. oof. a little curious why you and your brothers are just accepting your sisters affair? you dont condone infidelity but your whole family seems to just be ok with all this and punishing your wife and daughter for having an issue with her actions. she clearly isnt a supportive aunt or sil if she cant see why theyre upset. shes accepting no responsibility for her own actions and shes pulling funding because her neice isnt telling her she didnt do something morally repugnant. your daughter doesnt get the money, thats your sisters right, but your sister doesnt get to act like this is just some 'choosing a stranger over her'.

OOP

My sister is the youngest and the rest of my brothers have a minimum 5 year age gap with her. They like to baby her since that is what they did when they were children. She's always been close to all of us, and I don't see them cutting her off. They see my daughter's and wife's behavior as incredibly rude and ungrateful, as my sister has provided financial support to us. In the end, it just comes down to my brothers wanting a relationship with my sister over one with my wife and daugher, and not wanting to see my sister disrespected.

As for accepting responsibility, they believe the married party is more to blame, and my sister agrees. While she doesn't view herself as innocent, she also doesn't view herself as compltely guilty. I think if my wife and daughter disagreed with her actions, but didn't humiliate her, she would still be funding college.

Vivid-Bar-6811

Well I dont blame your wife and daughter.

Your sister is a person of low moral character. I wouldnt want jack to do with her either.

The fact she has decided to remove her financial support is her choice, personally it seems on par with the type of person she is.

The problem you have now is clearly your wife and daughter wont ever have a relationship with your siblings or their kids going forward.

So that leaves you piggy in the middle. From your wife's perspective the fact you all have shrugged your shoulders and said oh well about your sisters behaviour no doubt puts you all on a similar footing.

Personally the fact you are so accepting of the disrespect towards your wife and daughter is telling.

Show me the company you keep and it says alot about the type of person you are.

I wouldn't be apologising and I also wouldn't expect my husband to co sign the level of bullshit you clearly are either.

OOP

In my perspective, this is less about "standing up for my wife and daughters" than trying to maintain some family contacts. My wife and daughter did not need to humiliate my sister in public, that was their want, and I can't control what my brothers choose to do after that event. All in all, it's a very unfortunate circumstance.

UtZChpS22

I have a question though, where does this animosity come from? Don't get me wrong, what your sister did says a lot about her as a person. Not only the affair but the way she then said "boy bye, this was fun but not interested". I would lose respect for her as a person. But the way they reacted and so publicly...

OOP

My sister has never wanted to be married, have kids, or have a traditional path in life. She's always just said it wasn't for her. Apparently the coworker had a crush on her for quite some time, and I suppose he saw a future with my sister, but she didn't feel the same, which is why she rejected his proposal. Also, the betrayed wife ended up taking her cheating husband back. When I said she kicked him to the curb, I mean she declined his proposal, and the betrayed wife took him back.

melophile2702

Are you sure she actually was someone's mistress? Did the woman have proof?

Personally, I think telling a teenage girl and other family members about the infidelity, is very immature and toxic, on the man's wife's part. You just don't do that. Unless you're in high school.

Has your sister done anything to your wife & kid, personally, to hurt them? Does she have a history of making bad/immoral choices? I don't support being a mistress, but plenty of people cheat and still are excellent parents, sisters, daughters, employees, friends, etc. Also, they are HUGE hypocrites, if they find her immoral but will still take her money. They can't have it both ways, and I don't blame your sister for pulling the college money.

NTA

OOP

No, she was good to both of them. She paid for some of my daughter's extracurriculars, took her on trips with her cousins, helped my wife through postpartum, helped us with rent, and got my daughter her dream internship with her connections.

she did have proof - text messages, call logs. and yes, my sister knew he was married.

ChildOfRavens

You are not wrong, but neither are they. Wife, daughter or sister (for the money). But I am an ass and feel obligated to state that I hope your sister continues to feel the consequences of her actions. I hear some places have a a home wrecker clause, meaning the cheated on spouse can go for damages against the affair partners. Perhaps your sister needs to rearrange her finances for a different reason.

OOP

We are not in one of those states. The wife can try, but I don't think it will go anywhere. I asked my sister if she knows how much he spent on her, and she said it's around $15K. but she didnt spend any money on him. so i dont know how the courts will view that

OOP to a long comment

I still think my sister is a good person. She has supported our family, volunteered and donated large amounts of time and money in our community, and was there on the front lines of COVID as a doctor. While yes, she made a mistake, I do not think she is an irredeemable human being.

Onlydafax

What sort of discussions did you have with your wife and daughter leading up to this holiday party? Surely the possibility of your sister being there and how the family should react was brought up?

While breaking up a marriage is a major character flaw, this was a seemingly close family member and your wife and daughter came in hostile, judgmental, and beyond rude to someone they love?

Maybe you are leaving out more details, but you seem to be observing rather than guiding your family through this.

OOP

Yes, they knew she would be there. between the wife telling and holiday, was about 3 weeks. they planned to do this and ambush her (I did not know this, as they did not tell me, only afterwards did they tell me). this might be necessary context, but my wife's family was broken when her father cheated with another woman, so she absolutely despises cheaters. to my wife and daughter, this acted like their way of getting "revenge". it was instant love to instant hate when they found out my sister cheated. They told me they were going to keep their distance at the party, but clearly they did not do that.

Update 1 - after 1 day

^{June 23, 2026}

Update: AITA for saying "actions have consequences" to my daughter and wife?

If y'all have seen my last post, I have an update for you. My wife and daughter have gone to stay with my wife's friend. Additionally, my daughter decided to text my sister, and demanded the money, and said we would be suing her if she did not release the funds to us. On top of this, she doubled down on her comments, saying she stood by her mom and her words.

My sister sent me the messages my daughter sent, which is the only way I know they were sent, as neither my wife nor my daughter has chosen to inform me. She said before finalizing the decision to divide my daughter's fund, she consulted her legal team, and that they have no grounds for bringing a lawsuit to her.

At this point, I am incredibly disappointed in my wife's and daughter's behavior, and find their entitlement astounding. My sister has also told our brothers about my wife and daughter's ridiculous plan, and they are appalled by their actions as well. I don't know what to do, and it seems like they don't want to accept the consequences of their actions. They are using my sister's cheating as an excuse to do whatever the hell they want without telling me. I don't know how much of this I can take. I have apologized to my sister for their rudeness and entitlement, but I can tell she's very pissed - not at the fact they disapprove of her participating in infidelity, but at the fact they think she owes them over half a million after cutting her off and cussing her out.

Some people were wondering what happened with my sister's job as a doctor, and whether she was fired or not. The answer to that is that nothing really significant happened. While they were both told their behavior was unprofessional, there were no power imbalances, and they both just received a warning. Some people hypothesized that perhaps my sister facing no consequences was why my wife and daughter felt they needed to do what they did. Perhaps there is some merit to that, but I do not believe it excuses their actions.

Also, I saw comments saying the only reason why my brothers were siding with my sister was for her money. I don't believe this is entirely the reason, maybe a small bit of it. They've always been very protective of her since she's the youngest and only girl. Also, they do pretty well for themselves - not as well as my sister, but still pretty well. While she's given money to them, it is a much smaller amount compared to the amount she supported my family. They just like her more than my wife and daughter, and prioritize the time spent with her.

I also don't understand everyone who wants me to cut my sisters and brothers off. My wife and daughter made their choice to mind business that was not theirs, and faced the consequences. Losing my entire family of origin because of decisions that were not well thought out does not seem worth it to me. We've been treated just fine until two members of my family decided to disrespect my sister in front of the rest of our family.

COMMENTS

What did OOP say about whether his sister should face consequences for her actions?

Thank you for this! What my sister did was very wrong, but I don't think it defines her as a person. I am not her parent to give her consequences (hell I can barely do that for my teenager) and cutting her off for doing something in her private life makes no sense to me when I'm not even the victim.

What my sister did was horrible. I am not disagreeing with anyone about that. I just want it to acknowledged that it was both parties at fault, rather than just my sister, which many mysognists have stated. However my wife and daughter's way to get revenge, and THEIR CHOICES, are the reason why we are the situation we are in. My brothers and I have addressed my sister's situation privately, and I know it's easy to some people here, but I don't think cutting her off will do anything helpful.

What did OOP say about the college fund, its conditions ("strings"), and why his daughter lost access to it?

my sister pays the college directly from the college fund, whatever else money left over goes to the child. all money is in my sister's name

The "strings" were to maintain a relationship with my sister. That doesnt mean they couldnt disagree with her, just to not disrespect her, which is a bare minimum expectation. My daughter can apply for loans and go to community college to save money, since she's partially responsible for my sister choosing to not give her the money.

shes not acting like a parent because she has no obligation to. she is an aunt. This was a gift that was guaranteed through a relationship. if you cut someone off, you cut off their money too

my sister didnt destroy a family. the wife took her cheating husband back, and it was her husband's decision to wreck his family

What did OOP say about his sister's relationship with his wife and daughter after they cut her off?

At this point, I don't think my sister really cares about maintaining a relationship with my wife and sister after how they treated her. In her words, "I didn't go to medical school, work nearly 100-hour weeks as a resident, risked my livelihood for my businesses, and sacrifice so much to give money to people who don't even want to associate with me." While my daughter may see it as the other cousins being favored, I don't. I see it as them not biting the hand that fed them. She is not destroying my family, my daughter and wife not wanting to accept my sister's actions and responding to their distance is what is pulling us apart.

My wife and daughter cut her off first she’s just tired at their entitlement apparently they went to some consultations with local contract lawyers and they stated that they had no case. Her college fund is considered a gift and until it transferred hands it belongs solely to my sister. Also, since my daughter hasn’t even begun the admissions process, there is time for her to make decisions that reflect her losing the college fund, and my sister can’t be forced to give it.

What did OOP say about his family of origin, his immediate family, and his daughter's college plans?

my family of origin is definetely not perfect, but the family that I created, my immediate family, is acting very entitled. they caused a scene at my brother's party, cut her off and THEN EXPECTED MY SISTER TO PAY FOR COLLEGE and WANTED TO SUE HER. i understand why my family of origin made the decisions that they made. while im sad and wish things werent so bad, i can see where my family of origin is coming from

I never said this. she can apply where she wants, but there is no way I can pay most of the cost with my salary, and the reality is if she doesnt do the community college and transfer route, my ability to help will be very limited

What did OOP say about his wife and daughter's actions and why he believes they are responsible for the current situation?

I barely recognize my wife and daughter. they've never seemed this entitled; on the contrary, they were very kind, and my wife's warmth was a large reason i married her. I'm mad and confused because it feels like i'm dealing with strangers, and it is hard for me to think positive when everything is so negative aroud me

yeah they cursed her out, that was there vigilante justice. i do not support my sister's cheating, I have privately disucussed it with her and my brothers, and have said multiple times what she did was horrible. how is my wife "trying to protect herself from a family who they now realize never actually cared about them"? By actign entitled to over $500K, of which not a cent did they earn, by causing a scene - what did causing a scene do? did it help the cheated on wife? give them a sense of moral superiority? in fact if they wanted to curse her out, fine, if they wanted to cut her off, fine, but acting like they are owed something is crazy

Update 2 - after 3 day (after 2 days from last post)

^{June 26, 2026}

Update: AITA for saying "actions have consequences" to my daughter and wife?

Well, my wife and daughter did try to sue my sister. They went to six consultations, and all six said they had no case. So, that clearly isnt happening.

They've decided to take a different approach, which is harassing my sister, and my wife and daughter both got their friends involved in doing so. My sister sent the messages my wife and daughter's friends were sending to her, and they were quite nasty. On top of this, they called the hospital where my sister works and informed them of what my sister did, and said they were "boycotting" the hospital (my sister works in a pediatric hospial, and is a pediatric neurosurogeon - not exactly a service that is "boyocttable"). They were basically trying to get her fired. I guess since my wife and daughter can't access her money, they want to try to take one source of the money away from her, and that's how they are getting revenge. This did not go anywhere, as the hospital is already aware of my sister's actions.

My sister has shifted from pissed to just sick of this situation. I've apologized for the harassment she's been receiving. She has informed me that if they make any physical threats, then she will be taking legal action. I hope that it does not come to that, but honestly who knows at this point.

I am 99% sure my marriage is over. I cannot live with someone with this much entitlement, and this much vengance. I can't do it.

As for my child, I will always love her and want the best for her; however, I do not like her entitled attitude. While I will support her, I cannot back this behavior.

As for my sister's participation in infidelity, my sister and I had a longer, calmer conversation. I explained to her that I was disappointed by her actions, but would always love her and be there for her. We sort of went into why she did it - that's private, so I won't share it here. It was a productive convo, and I learned more about my sister.

Overall, I'm just sorta done. They are still at my wife friend's house, and are barely communicating with me, and whatever is being communicated is in rage. I've given up on trying to get them to see reality.

Quesiton:

What next steps should I take to make sure this divorce goes as smooth as possible, especially for my child? How should I document my daughter’s refusal to communicate with me so it doesn't look like I am abandoning or alienating her? Will the fact that my wife and daughter are actively harassing my sister carry any weight in court?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThenAd2196

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 15, 2026

• Final Update: July 19, 2026

NOTE: SD = Sugar Daddy

Main Post

^{July 15, 2026}

My sd died and his wife won’t leave me alone!!!!

Okay so I don’t really know how to work this app so bear with me. I 19F had a 75m sd . He passed in April and he DID NOT tell me he had a wife. Context, we met a year ago and he has paid me a little more than 700 a week. We did not have any sort of sexual contact and I’d say in all we probably saw each other in person about a handful of times. In our beginning stages of talking he told me he had no kids and his wife passed away when she was thirty in a drunk driving accident(a bald face lie).

Okay so My sd told me he was in the hospital because he was having heart palpitations, and after that he went ghost. At first I didn’t think anything of it but then a week went past and he was not responding to any of my calls or texts. Then I get a text from a number saying that “this is 75m wife” she was calling me slurs, sluts, bitches, and literally every insult in the book.

I told her I didn’t know he was married still and he told me she passed away and the she proceeded to call me a liar. I blocked her after that. Two days later there was a dead mouse left in my mail box I didn’t liken this to my situation with my sds wife. Then a day later I got a text from a random number saying “I hope you get the message home wrecking bitch” and then she basically said I was the rat in their life and I am the reason why they were struggling with money.

I am assuming she got my address sds messages. I blocked the number and she will not stop calling me from other fake numbers and sending me threatening messages. I filled a police report but they basically said they can’t do anything because she lives in another state and there is no proof that it’s actually her. WHAT DO I DO

EDIT:

Thank you for the very few people who actually gave advice. To all of you other people I HAVE A JOB but I also have two toddler siblings that I have to provide for so yes I was happily taking his money. Also me and him were what I thought to be close and I actually really did enjoy his company and our talks I wasn’t just in it for his money we did have a bond a bit. Also I am going to start documenting as much as I can. I did just get a new phone and none of her previous threatening messages saved because I didn’t back my old phone up sadly but I do have the manyyy calls I have been receiving from her so hopefully that helps.

COMMENTS

ritchie70

Would it be that hard to say what "SD" means at least once?

I started off thinking "step-dad" but "sugar daddy" makes a lot more sense.

All you really can do is block each new number and hope she gets bored if the police aren't interested.

I'm really having a hard time feeling too sympathetic. You played stupid games, taking a lot of money from an old man, and now you've won stupid prizes.

Be glad that SHE isn't going to the police claiming that you were a scammer taking advantage of an elderly man.

OOP (downvoted)

The person in the most wrong here was my sd HE LIED,HE SENT ME MONEY,HE CHEATED!

InnerRelation7844

Omg Reddit men PMO he was literally giving you money out of his own free will and lying to you

OOP

Thanks

aprilonwards

She doesn’t owe him anything! He’s a grown man who made his own decisions and he should be held accountable for that. Did she force him to send him money? NO! This double standard is insane

Twisted9Demented (downvoted)

So, If a Scam artist from another country takes your money is it the same thing?

OOP

I never scammed he I was 100% truthful with the only liar in the situation was him

aarons6

if she lives in another state who delivered the mouse? did she actually mail it? because that would be the crime i would try to go after if so.

OOP

I live on the border of the state she lives in so it’s probably a 30 minute drive.and the mouse wasn’t in a box it was just in my mailbox I think drove and put it there

groovinandmovinnn

I don’t feel bad, you were kind of taking advantage of an old persons finances. If I were her I’d be irate too. It’s like the other commenter said, “play stupid games win stupid prizes.” I would just lay low and not respond to ANYTHING. Chances are she will move on. On the other hand, maybe try digging deep down and feeling some sympathy for her situation. If you really didn’t know about her/his real life, then surely you must feel some guilt for the fact that her lifelong husband is DEAD and she’s finding out about a 19 year old sugar baby after the fact, while grieving. Grief in general comes with anger, I can’t imagine how this is adding to it. Just don’t engage and she’ll move on. And get a job

OOP

I do feel empathy for her but going to the lengths of putting a dead mouse in my mailbox is nuts. I have a job btw! And I hope she will move on

BunglingBoris

Yeah, this feels very much like I'm gonna need both sides of this story.

OOP

What I’m saying 100% the truth I’m not sugar coating anything but I would actually like to have a real talk with her and understand what there relationship was like for him to have to lie about her death like that.

BunglingBoris

How did you meet this sugar daddy fella?

OOP

On a dating site

BunglingBoris

Dating? You swiped right on a 75 yr old man?

You say you don't sugar coat things but your posts are giving me diabetes.

OOP

I wrote in my bio I was looking for a sugar daddy so yes I swiped mf right on a 75 year old man tf!

Admirable_Bit8337

What was he paying $700/week to a sugar baby for if there was no sexual contact?

Also, document everything. Get security cameras if you can. Look into a restraining order.

OOP

He knew my situation I have to pay for my siblings day care, clothes, food, and basically every thing. We talked a lot I think he was just lonely I don’t know though because he had a wife

Key-Possible6865

I'm so so so scared my daughter will do shit like that for old men. I don't think I could handle that. Is there a reason why you chose to be a "sugar baby"?

OOP (downvoted)

I need money to pay for my siblings life because there father doesn’t want to be father.

Heavy_Fuel2527

Listen clearly she’s going the stages of grief. My grandpa had someone after his wife died he would send money and all. Nothing sexual. He felt money Bec his wife died but I was angry. I was mad. The messages as his granddaughter made me upset but he just was lonely. I wanted to scream and cry to her but she didn’t understand. Understand yes was it cheating that he did. Yes. But clearly he was at the point he just didn’t care. Let his wife say what she wants to say but leaving dead animals is insane. But I can understand her side. Idk what else to say but maybe don’t get money from old ass men? Lmao

OOP (downvoted)

Maybe don’t marry a liar ?

Stock-Song5789

Says person that dated the liar 😭

OOP

Idk dated and married are on two different sides of the field bud

Final Update - after 4 days

^{July 19, 2026}

Update: My sd died and his wife won’t leave me alone!!!!

Hello guys I just want to thank everyone that gave me lots of advice and well wishes, you all are much appreciated!

So I bought cameras, tried talking to the police again(they did nothing), changed my number, and I looked into lawyering up. I also did a lot of digging through my 75m sugar daddys face book. ( also I’m sorry for causing so much confusion for not saying it before Reddit said I was likely to get flagged). We can call him Ronald for the sake of this.

I did not see anyone on his page that looked like they could be his wife but I did find his niece and I will call her Ana. I know this may sound dumb but I did text her and basically explaining to her my situation with Ronald’s wife and me and Ronald’s relationship hoping that she could shed some light on to my situation and oh boy she did. I am not going to be sharing every thing she told me so this post isnt traced back to any of us involved.

Ronald and his wife ( I will call her Ashley) HAVE BEEN DIVORCED FOR 8 YEARS. Ashley is mentally unstable and was stalking and harassing Ronald while they were divorced causing him to have restraining orders on her and calling the cops on her so many times. They did in fact have a child together but their child died when they were in their thirties in a car crash and Ashley was the one driving.

Ana’s family highly assume that Ashley was high on meth because she was addicted to everything under the sun and that’s why she crashed in the first place. Ashley has been a drug addict for a very very long time and she was extremely mentally and physically abusive towards Ronald, she would also drain their accounts on insane amounts of heroin, coke,meth,crack, you name it.

When Ronald went to the hospital some how Ashley found out that he was there and we think that’s when she took his phone because Ana said that when she got to the hospital a nurse asked her will Ronald’s wife be coming back. Since I changed my phone number I haven’t heard word from her and I haven’t seen any strange activity at my home thank god.

I do feel really bad for being so mad at Ronald for lying to me but now I know the truth and I can understand why he did lie about some things from his past. I miss talking to him a lot and Ana told me that Ronald told her mom a couple months before his death that he had been talking to a lady that made him happy, so im just glad he got some joy out of the short time we had together! I do miss him dearly.

I’m going to answer some questions and crazy statements I’ve seen in the comments.

yes I have a job. What led me to look for a sugar daddy in the first place is that my dad and his wife chose to completely not provide for my two toddler siblings. I have to pay for the clothes on their backs and for the food in their stomachs I also pay well over a thousand dollars in daycare fees just so I can have the peace of mind that they are being fed while I’m at work.

No Ronald and I really did not have any sexual contact and he never asked for any sexual favors from me. As crazy as it sounds I think we really did have a connection and that he was just lonely. We talked so much and called every night. Also he was willing to give me so much money because he was very well off and sympathized with my situation btw I never asked him for that much money he would just send it.

Again thank you for the advice and heart felt messages as for the rest of you I hope you have a day that you deserve.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/sprainedankle2011 posting in r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Complicated

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3:

It's a sad story all around. I once heard a woman on a podcast who had an affair, and her husband divorced her. Even though she cut off her affair partner, she still couldn't rebuild a healthy relationship with her teenage son, who refused to speak to her or visit her despite his dad's efforts to encourage it.

The therapist's advice to her was simple: stay consistent. Keep showing up for your son, keep writing him letters even he refusesto read them, and be there for him no matter how long it takes for him to come around. She, like your dad, destroyed that relationship, but that doesn't mean she can't build a new one over time.

You miss your father, and you want him to be present in your life. That's a good place to start. Take the same approach, be open to rebuilding a new relationship, one step at a time.

**life is short.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 5 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Comment 5:

Reiterating that therapy should be a go-to, and also that your hurt and behavior as a child were completely normal and not your fault (especially as you clarified that you were not cruel or abusive to your stepsiblings).

I’m glad that your mother, despite her pain, supported you maintaining a relationship with your father. I’m also glad that you were able to build a bond with your half-brother. And, I’m happy for you that you feel ready to rebuild with your father again.

I understand that you don’t respect your step-mother, and I’m not going to pretend that you have to feel a certain way. But you ARE in her house, and you do have to ACT a certain way.

I agree with you that she should have stepped out to let you talk with your parents while you were injured, but your words to her were atrociously disrespectful. I know you know that, and I know you admit to deliberately enjoying that aspect of your interaction. That is normal, but it is also immature and unhelpful for everyone, yourself included.

Frankly, you are young and privileged to have had your parents able to pay off your college education. That’s a good thing — everyone deserves to have that. But you telling his current wife that the house isn’t hers because he pays all the bills when he’s also put you through college and you haven’t had to manage yourself extensively without his support is doubly disrespectful. You don’t know their finances, and you are not entitled to. Yes, you’re his daughter, but you’re also an adult. She is his wife and mother of his minor child. Like it or not, she has rights to the home that you do not — that is her house you are in, as much as it is your father’s.

Other commenters have noted that your continued insistence on disrespecting her may end up eroding your relationships with your father and half-brother. If you continue down this path, you may eventually force your father to have to make a choice, and you might not like the outcome.

You do not have to like, forgive, or want a closer relationship with your stepmother. You DO need to behave civilly and cordially towards her at the very least, and act respectfully towards her in her own home. Stop antagonizing her and putting your father in the middle. Like it or not, you are no longer the child in this scenario, and you are responsible for behaving accountably & responsibly as an adult.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/MortynMurphy

Published on: r/neighborsfromhell

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 24, 2026

  • Main Post - Update 1: May 25, 2026
  • Main Post - Update 2: May 26, 2026
  • Main Post - Update 3: June 01, 2026

• Final Update: July 14, 2026

Main Post

^{May 24, 2026}

Teenagers pushed us too far and probably got their family evicted.

I try to be a polite neighbor. You're not going to see me often and I won't seek out conversation, but when new neighbors move in, I will go and introduce myself and offer mine and my spouse's phone number. This is a nice neighborhood, it's completely normal to give Christmas baskets or let someone's dog out if they need it, stuff we did for our previous next door neighbors.

No one would complain about a random party on a holiday weekend, I won't be bothered by your kids playing loudly on the sidewalk, people behave but aren't unreasonable about expectations. Especially since we live in townhouses that are all connected, there's just no way to eliminate all neighbor noise. All this to say that I don't think we have unreasonable community expectations.

Since these new neighbors moved in the vacant rental next to ours we have had nothing but trouble. They have only been here a couple of months, but they are the second-worst neighbors we have ever had. The absolute worst was a couple at our first apartment who resolved conflicts via fisticuffs.

The first annoyance was a normal one. Their bass was too loud through the walls, a common problem since people aren't aware of how thin the walls are. (We did the same thing. Our previous neighbors texted, we apologized and adjusted settings, confirmed they couldn't hear it anymore, and all was well.)

We work from home and needed to be in meetings so we went over to ask them to turn it down and no one answered. Finally we texted the mother, and the music only happened in late afternoon between the time when her kids would get home from school and when she would get home from work. Since it was a couple of hours maximum we let it go and didn't schedule any meetings during those times. We were kids once, too.

Then Spring Break happened. Either the mother works both days and nights or simply spends 18 out of 24 hours outside the house. Twice in one night my husband had to sternly tell her daughters' friends to stop looking in our cars, leaning on our cars, and screaming after midnight. Five feet from our front door, by the way.

Then the next night we catch them doing it AGAIN! My husband opens the door to one of the drunk little idiots popping a squat and pissing less than a foot from our car! My husband, being a reasonable man, starts yelling angrily at them for PISSING IN FRONT OF OUR DOOR. The hooligan closest to sober remembered basic survival instincts and began wrangling the rest of them into the house, apologizing sloppily but profusely.

Apparently a very angry, very big, very bearded man yelling will do that to ya. Later we have yet another text exchange with the mother. We make our stance known and I'm quite proud of myself for keeping my temper in check. She said she will handle it and we end the conversation on good terms. Even then we were willing to try and be nice and give them another chance. We were little asshole teens once and chalked it up to the high of spring break. We hosed off the pavement and tried to generate a level of patience hitherto unforseen in either of us.

We had about a week of peace, but the good times couldn't last. The teen girls have developed a small collective of devoted derelict boys who hang around outside their house several afternoons a week. They once again leaned on our cars, looked into our cars, and were little assholes when my husband came outside. They tried to mouth off but when he asked them to repeat themselves they scuttled down the sidewalk. Rinse and repeat for a couple of weeks.

That brings us to last night. We're fun and exciting people, so we were idly scrolling our phones while watching something. Suddenly there was a loud bang! and we noticed a phone flashlight on our back patio. They had broken through our fence and were scrambling for a way out. We hear/vaguely see whoever it is crash through our garbage cans on the other side.

His options were either to run that course, risk the 10+ft drop into woods, or escalate to breaking and entering in a state where he would have probably become a statistic. In an obviously rare moment of intelligence, he chose the first option. The whole thing freaks us the hell out, and by the time we get our heads on right and go out front we see those same goddamn teens scattering through the neighborhood like mice.

One of them didn't get far enough away and tried to casually act like he was just walking by but when we confronted him he was clearly rattled. We weren't about to detain a child because we're not psychotic, so we let him go. He scampered off to wherever little shits go when they're not ruining everyone's evening.

The neighbor on the other side of the Problem House had someone break into their back area as well going the opposite direction, and I panicked. I reached out to the mom, convinced her daughters may have been hurt or they were robbed. She brushed me off and got a little rude when I told her the trespassers had definitely come from her house and that every other neighbor said the same thing.

That is until a random "uncle" appeared, driven home by someone else. He listened to us and fed us the usual bullshit people do when they don't want to deal with anything. Lots of empty apologies and excuses for why the kids are alone. But apparently he told the mom that four adults were all saying the same thing: The working theory is that the boyfriends somehow knew an adult was coming back (probably location sharing) so they panicked and left out the back.

The mom tried to walk back her attitude and apologized after hearing how many witnesses there were, but I am not very forgiving once I'm at a certain point. It's something I'm working on. I did not accept her apology. Later when we reviewed our camera footage from the whole night, we saw the same little shit we stopped go into her house with the others about an hour before they trespassed.

The same little shits come back later after the trespassing and lean on our cars, climb on our cars, and film themselves lip synching for whatever reason. So we decided to go nuclear. To quote the certified BadAss™ Cobra Bubbles, "thus far you have been adrift in the sheltered harbor of my patience."

Mommy Dearest had no way of knowing this, but the neighbors we were friendly with that had lived there before? They were very good friends with the homeowner. It was very easy to get his number from them, text him, and bing bang boom suddenly my husband is on the phone with a very embarrassed guy whose apologies were much more coherent than piss-girl's friend.

He was really very appreciative of the Google drive link with video of every single issue we have had (a few I've left out just to save space). Complete with time stamps! The other neighbors got his phone number as well. We learned some interesting info from him. The mom gave us a different name than the one he had, there were only supposed to be two people total living there (we see five or more living there regularly), other fun things I'll leave to your vivid imaginations. Needless to say, they're in violation of their lease with just this. But one thing my husband and I have in common is that we are very thorough.

So the next step was the police report. Did you know that in my state you can file a non-emergency report online for things like someone on your back porch late at night or people casing your car? It's really very easy! Our HOA isn't open until Monday, but they had a nice little contact page we filled out. The other neighbors also filed reports and contacted the HOA. However bad my Saturday night was, I think their upcoming week might be worse.

My husband informed the mother via text of all the steps we had taken and that our cameras are always on, front and back. She has been silent and absent from the home since I did not accept her apology last night and laid out exactly how much trouble her kids have been when she's not around (which is always). Not sure what will happen next, a little concerned about retaliation from the little dingleberries. But now we have a paper trail, an immediate line of communication to the landlord, and they're aware they've been being recorded the entire time. Any escalation beyond this is their choice.

TLDR: Turns out, being a little asshole, having little assholes over as guests, and your little asshole guests trespassing late at night is in violation of most lease contracts. Maybe don't case cars and break fences while you trespass in the era of home cameras. And maybe consider for a brief moment that your neighbors might just have your landlord's personal phone number.

COMMENTS

Petal_Tease

They didn’t get evicted because of one mistake, they got evicted because they treated the neighborhood like a free trial for bad decisions

OOP

I don't know if the eviction is actually in motion yet or what, but based on how upset the landlord was I would be shocked if they are here next month. 

DoFr56

The month changes in a few days. You will know IF the landlord takes the rent, your nextdoor jerks are staying.

I hope NOT. But landlords and a chance to increase rent for more tenants that are already there, is hard to pass up!

OOP

You'll be happy to hear he's not our landlord! It won't affect our monthly budget in any way if they are evicted. 

DoFr56

Wait, it is not your budget I’m talking about. Your second- worst neighbors may not get evicted, they might just get a rent increase and an admonishment!

OOP

In our state, violating a lease is curtains on your tenancy unless you have a particularly patient landlord. That doesn't happen often. And HOAs are particularly powerful here, they can fine the owner into oblivion for the tenant not following community guidelines while evicting the tenant themselves. They only allow renters that follow community guidelines, full stop. Considering their office is going to open up this week to multiple complaints about one family, I'm hopeful. 

So between all the lease violations and not following HOA guidelines (which also violated their contract), the landlord might actually have to evict them if he wants to keep being able to rent out his place at all. 

binaryblushie nah bc the landlord finding out there were extra ppl living there under fake names probably made his soul leave his body instantly 💀 that’s nightmare tenant speedrun behavior

OOP

Between that, the trespassing, the payment problems the landlord said he's been having, the pee incident, and all the videos of these incidents we sent, he said he's pulling out all the stops. We may get to see a show starring the Sheriff's department at the end of the month! 

sarahjustme

Eviction is a process and at the very least, requires 30 day notice. If the tenant only has a few months left on their lease, the landlord may just let the lease run out, and not renew it. Giving these people 30 days to pack up and get out, may makes things worse

OOP

Not in my state baybeeee! The one time being one of the lowest ranked states for tenant rights is working in our favor. Tenants can be booted out in 72hrs if the landlord can prove it's for good reasons. Given all the stuff we've handed to him I think he's got a good chance. On top of that the HOA is about to unleash a shit storm, and has the power to evict the tenants themselves in our state. Ours is very reasonable about plants, decorations, door color, etc, but they come down hard on shit like this. 

Electrical_Parfait64

Why didn’t you call the police from the beginning?

OOP

Because I live in a state where it was more likely those kids would become a hashtag and a headline if we did. And while I'm pissed off, they weren't violent and I don't think that would have been the safest escalation for anybody. They have been told that we will call the cops if we see their friends near our property again, though. 

Friesland13

You are doing a great job of de-escalating…..most ppl behave badly in return. Congratulations on being decent!! I wish i had a neighbor like you….

OOP

The good news is that rental might be available soon so you never know 

482happyrose

heavy agree, the silver lining is so real. like imagine going from basically living in a zoo with drunk teenagers to actually having a quiet neighborhood again. nature is healing.

OOP

We had a nice lovely neighborhood for the four years we've lived here. There are some other teens that live on the other side of the neighborhood that genuinely just do kid stuff like riding their bikes around and playing basketball after school, filming TikToks together down by our little park area, just normal stuff. The only time I've had to say anything was when I was in a meeting working from home and they were squealing a bit loud. I popped my head out and said I was working from home and asked if they could keep it down until I got out of my meeting. They were polite, apologized, and didn't resume whatever they were doing until after the time had passed. I even told their mom when I saw her how much I appreciated her kids just being chill and respectful about it, I didn't mind them playing I just needed to be able to hear my meeting. Those kids don't come over to our side anymore because of the little assholes we live next to. 

FirstLalo

Eviction takes a long time. Watch yourself take care.

OOP

We have taken precautions. They know they're being filmed now. We also don't live in a state where tenants get a lot of rights, and our HOA only allows tenants if they follow community guidelines. Between footage of them violating both their lease and the community guidelines (which also violated their lease), I'm pretty hopeful they won't be in our hair much longer. 

CobaltFeverson

I’d just be careful not to get pulled into direct confrontations now. Keep documenting, keep everything in writing, and let the landlord, police handle the consequences

OOP

Oh yeah part of my husband's last message to her was that any and all interactions with them going forward would be either recorded or in written form. We live in a one-party consent state, so we don't need their permission to record a conversation on our own property/sidewalk. We haven't seen anyone outside at all other than them getting home at 2:30am last night. 

Small Update - 1: Same post

^{May 25, 2026}

the mom finally came home at around 2:30 in the morning with a literal warehouse of younger kids. She put them in the house and then left herself in a different car that was there to pick her up. The uncle or whoever he was is at the house with the new set of kids and we saw no sign of Shitlings & Co last night. My husband thinks the mom and older teenagers are avoiding their own house since we've now taken to sitting on our porches.

Small Update - 2: Same post

^{May 26, 2026}

I have had terrible insomnia for the past two nights since getting the shit scared out of me by the trespassing. I have confirmed with a couple of other neighbors that they contacted the HOA, owner, and filed a police report for a missing Apple Watch from one of their cars for the same night. They said they would but it was nice to get the confirmation and vent to each other. If the kids choose to retaliate they would have to target multiple people, all of whom have cameras.

Still no sign of Shitlings & Co, normally a day off school summons them like maggots to a carcass. Our front camera is not in an obvious spot, so my husband thinks it might have freaked them out to learn they'd been being recorded the whole time. I'm so angry I want to go piss next to her driver's side door. But that would technically be right next to my car again, and that would be counterintuitive.

Small Update - 3: Same post

^{June 01, 2026}

Still no sign of Shitlings & Co. They haven't shown themselves since the night they broke our fence down. Our cars and property have been left alone entirely, but the neighbors on the other side of the NFH asked for some camera footage since they woke up to some gas missing out of their car during the week. Then they asked for footage again on Thursday, since some other kids staying at the NFH were climbing all the way on the roof and hood of her car and the camera they ordered hadn't gotten here yet.

She was heated and came out yelling at them because her roof is now dented, the adults came rushing out to usher the kids inside for only a minute, and then the whole crowd bundled up into their cars and left. I think they know they're on thin ice. I wasn't part of this confrontation, I heard about it/saw it on my cameras later when she asked for the footage. Idk what her next steps will be, I would want my roof repair paid for but I also understand not wanting to deal with them in that way.

The landlord had a meeting scheduled with the mother that he called a "walkthrough and HOA citation review" for noon on Sat, 05/30. She claimed a family emergency and asked to push it back until Sunday at noon. Then she asked to push it back until 5. The landlord was openly irritated by the third rescheduling. He offered this information by the way, we did not ask.

The landlord ended yesterday by reporting he had told the mom "what her options were going forward." What those options entail, he did not say. It has been eeriely quiet since yesterday evening when we told us that. I don't want to speculate since I genuinely have no information beyond this. All I know is I heard vacuuming and cleaning for a while on Sunday, (normal amount for landlord visit in my opinion) and then absolute silence.

I hope this is concluded, but based on my experience with teenagers like Shitlings & Co they tend to forget lessons pretty quick. Hopefully the landlord and whatever he said helped the neighbors understand the precarious position their teenagers' "friends" put them in.

Final Update - after 1 month, 20 days

^{July 14, 2026}

UPDATE: Teenagers pushed us too far and probably (definitely) got their family evicted.

Thankfully the conclusion to this whole situation is not dramatic!

After we went nuclear, we had absolutely no issues except for the couple of things from the small updates on the last post. After the first weekend of June we barely even saw signs of human life. If it hadn't been for the car appearing and disappearing, I would have thought they had already been kicked out. I'm not sure what happened inside, but the only activity was a U-haul parked there on and off over a couple of days a couple weeks ago. We have to seen either of the teenage girls since the landlord meeting.

I know my that my own mother would have tied me up like a pretzel and shipped me off to Camp Greenlake to dig holes for a year. Shitlings & Co disappeared off the face of the Earth for a couple of weeks, although we did see a couple of them walking back from a nearby gas station a few days ago so they're clearly still around the neighborhood. I guess doing TikTok dances on the hoods of the neighbors' cars, breaking down fences, and ultimately helping get her family evicted is not a good way to keep your girl interested. Young love is tough that way.

Today ( ETA; yesterday, I wrote this late last night)the landlord came by to ask how things have been and to let us know they were officially evicted a couple of weeks ago. They had been having payment problems as well. Both us and the neighbors on the other side of the problem house submitted HOA complaints and police reports that helped him push things along and he seemed to really appreciate it. The power of documentation once again proves itself.

I'm personally a bit conflicted now that the anger from my first post has cooled off a bit. To reiterate, we never had a problem with regular neighbor noise and would never have complained about that. We want kids to play on our sidewalk, we want friends to chat in the parking lot, we don't care if you have a party on the weekend. Pissing drunk next to my car, screaming outside our bedroom windows at 2am on a weeknight, blasting bass hard enough to rattle the pictures on my walls, and breaking into our back patio area late at night do not fall under "normal neighbor noise and activities."

On one hand, life is already hard for a single parent and I wish that we could have worked things out between us as neighbors without getting all litigious. But on the other hand we did try talking it out between adults first. And maybe don't piss off your neighbors, violate your lease, AND not pay rent. Hopefully they found a place that works for them, and I hope those kids don't keep making their mom's life hard.

TLDR: They're evicted, have been for a couple weeks. We suspected as much after seeing them pack a U-haul, but otherwise wanted to mind our own business and be done with the situation. Landlord came by to confirm and say thanks earlier today.

COMMENTS

H4RV3Y_B1RDM4N (downvoted)

ooooof, struggling single mom with teens that are hard to control while working 2 or more jobs at odd hours... That eviction could legitimately ruin her life.

IDK man, something makes me feel like this was not remotely a proportional response to teens being teens and there were a lot of better ways to try and handle this before making a family homeless... I've been a wayward youth of divorce and making friends with your neighbors and learning not to shit where you eat so to speak is a very important life skill they clearly needed help with.

OOP

Did you read the first post? At all? We tried to talk to the mom first. Multiple times.  Someone urinated next to our car, on video, four feet from our front door. Screaming at 2am on a weeknight. Then they broke into our back patio by busting our fence down and that was the last straw. We tried for months not to go nuclear.  At a certain  point it goes from "being a patient neighbor" to "being a doormat."

donairthot (Downvoted)

OP is just racist

OOP

We're all the same race my guy.

PaigeMorganxo

Fair outcome, you didn't get them evicted; their repeated choices did. Hopefully it's a wake-up call, because ignoring warnings, breaking the lease, and not paying rent is a disaster recipe no family can outrun.

OOP

Like I said in the first post we really tried to talk things out with the mom first. Several times.  My husband grew up bouncing around bc the people in his family didn't know how to act, and that's not something I want for any kid. 

Knuc85

Happy for you, though I don't think a good landlord should provide that kind of specific information (specifically that they were having payment issues.) Also, I'm betting if they had paid they'd still be your problem, it wasn't the disturbance that caused the eviction.

OOP

Oh I agree with you entirely on the information part. Not so sure about the second point, in our state HOAs are very powerful and violating HOA guidelines is a good way to get renting banned from the neighborhood. 

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. OOP is u/kuteChloe

Originally posted in r/AITH

Original 13th July 2026

AITH for telling my boyfriend I don't want his cousin anywhere near our relationship anymore?

I (26F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for a few years. His cousin (I'll call her K) always seemed nice enough whenever we'd talk. We weren't close or anything, but every time we saw each other she'd act really sweet and even tell me how happy she was that my boyfriend had found someone who made him happy. So I never had a reason to think she disliked me.

Earlier this year my boyfriend and I were going through a rough patch and, without telling me, he started venting to K about our relationship. Around the same time I had to travel for work for a few days. One evening I posted a few pictures on Facebook from dinner with coworkers and she immediately messaged me asking if I was out looking for my next boyfriend. I thought she was joking until she kept going. She started calling me selfish, saying I cared more about my career than my relationship, that I was a terrible future wife, and that my boyfriend deserved someone loyal. Then she sent a voice message saying if I ever broke his heart she'd make sure I regretted it. It honestly freaked me out enough that I blocked her right away.

When I showed everything to my boyfriend, he admitted he'd been telling her about our problems. What upset me even more was how little he reacted to what she'd sent me. He kept saying she was probably just being protective and didn't mean it like that. After a lot of arguing he finally blocked her, but it felt more like he was doing it because I wouldn't let it go than because he actually thought her behavior was unacceptable.

Fast forward a few months and she recently reached out to him again from another number asking if we were still together and saying she hoped he was finally happy. He ignored the message but never blocked the number. I told him that after everything she'd said and the way she threatened me, I wasn't comfortable with her having any access to our lives anymore. He thinks I'm making too big a deal out of it and says ignoring her is enough. I don't agree. To me, someone who crosses those kinds of boundaries once will probably do it again.

So AITH for asking him to completely cut contact with her?

**Comments**

>NTA, but your bf is. He should’ve talked to her to tell her to stop reaching out to you and making those comments.

OOP: That's the part that hurt me the most honestly. I wasn't expecting him to magically fix everything, but I did expect him to make it clear that speaking to me like that wasn't okay. I felt like I was left to deal with the fallout from a conversation he started.

UPDATE 4 days later:

UPDATE: AITH for telling my boyfriend I don't want his cousin anywhere near our relationship anymore?

Quick recap of original post: found out my boyfriend had been venting to his cousin K about our relationship problems, and while I was away for work, she messaged me calling me selfish and disloyal, then sent a voice message threatening that she'd "make sure I regretted it" if I ever hurt him. He eventually blocked her but never seemed to think it was as serious as I did, and she resurfaced from a new number a few months later.

Two days after my post, his older sister messaged me out of nowhere. I've met her maybe three times total, so I wasn't expecting to hear from her at all, let alone about this. She said she saw my boyfriend mention the situation in a family group chat and wanted to talk to me directly because "someone should have told you this a long time ago."

She told me K did basically the same thing to my boyfriend's ex before me. Same pattern: sweet to her face, then messages accusing her of not caring enough about him, then it escalated to K showing up at her job uninvited "to talk," which scared the ex enough that she started making excuses to avoid family events. Nobody confronted K about it at the time, they just quietly stopped inviting her to certain things and let the relationship fade out around it. His sister said watching the same thing start happening again was what finally made her say something.

I confronted my boyfriend with this last night. He didn't deny it, he just said "that was different" and that he didn't think it was his place to bring up his ex's business. I asked him how it's different from what's happening to me right now, and he didn't really have an answer, just kept saying he didn't want to be the one to throw K under the bus with the family.

So now this isn't just about blocking one phone number anymore. It's that he's known this whole time K has a pattern, and chose not to tell me. AITH for telling him it's not just K I have a problem with now, it's the fact that he let me walk into this blind?

**Comments**:

>He knows, and he let it happen AGAIN!

>Break up with him

OOP:

Seeing it typed out like that hit different than it did bouncing around my own head all night. I keep replaying every time I brushed past my gut feeling because he made it sound smaller than it was, and now I can't tell if I was naive or if he's just really good at making things sound smaller than they are. Not saying the word out loud yet, but I didn't sleep last night, and I think that's the answer!

> NTAH His cousin has a thing for him and he likes the attention. Dump him.

OOP: I am starting to think the same, and saying that out loud feels insane. But it's the only thing that actually explains why he's never once been angry at her, only at me for being upset about her. I don't want it to be that. I just ran out of better explanations somewhere around 3am last night.

>Sounds like a boyfriend problem. This cousin seems immature and he's just letting her go after his girlfriends. If he doesn't control this it's not going to stop. He's the only one who can fix it. If he's refusing then your relationship isn't a priority.

OOP:

That's the part I can't argue with, even though I want to. This was never really about getting him to block one number, it was about whether he'd do something uncomfortable to protect me, and he's had three chances now and hasn't taken any of them. I keep waiting for him to prove that line wrong and he just keeps proving it right instead.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Substantial_Buy_4881

Published on: r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORUs:

• BORU-1 by u/Glum_Craft_4652 on November 28, 2025

• BORU-2 by u/insafian on January 30, 2026

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 23, 2025

• Update 1: November 27, 2025

  • Update 1.5: December 09, 2025

• Update 2: January 28, 2026

• Final Update: July 18, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{November 23, 2025}

AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she eloped and broke all contact with us years ago?

Apologies in advance if this post seems disorganized, my head is still reeling from all this. 9 years ago ( I was 18 then) my older sister eloped with her then boyfriend. Our parents (we're an immigrant family) were vehemently opposed to her relationship, I remember me being ok with it personally, it wasn't my place. She eloped with her boyfriend and cut of all contact with us. My parents were besides themselves.

I tried reaching out to her back then on different platforms but was blocked. I even reached out to her best friends and asked them if they could at least get me in touch with her, they said she didn't know where she lived now, but that she'd told them she was happy. She had also left her workplace. Eventually we all (me and my parents) came to like an unspoken agreement to pretend she was never here, and I blocked her everywhere too. I remember being extra particular to call regularly when I was in college because I was worried about their state of mind. We're now at a place where I can't remember the last time she crossed our minds.

Yesterday my sister knocked on my apartment door. She cried and hugged me when she saw me, I hugged her back initially too, I wasn't really thinking at the time. She was just going on about how much I had changed, how much she'd missed me all these years. Eventually I kind of remembered everything, and asked her why she was here, and who had given her my address. She said she had swore to them that she wouldnt tell.

I asked her why didn't she call first since whoever gave my address probably gave my number too, she said she just wanted to see me in person. I told her we'd gotten over her, why was she here. She said her issue had only been with our parents, not me, I told her about how I'd been blocked too by her when she left. She told me she was sorry she'd hurt me, but she had wanted a fresh start, told me I was an uncle to a nephew and a niece (they weren't there at the time, they were at their father's, they recently divorced). She acted surprised that I wouldn't know, said she'd told someone to tell our parents about them.

Maybe it was hearing about the divorce that furstrated me more, because if we were going to have gone through all this pain, at least she could've found lasting happiness, I just told her she was a stranger to me now. She said we could have lunch together she wanted to know all about what I'd been up to, I told her it was best if we continued to have no contact, she didn't act like an older sister when I needed her to, and that we were no longer family, we'd mourned her already and we were now strangers. She was tearful, she gave me her address and phone number and left.

Last night, I spoke to my girlfriend about what had happened. She said she was still my sister, that I shouldn't have just turned her away. I told her she didnt know what we'd gone through in the days after she had eloped. But I still wanted to know here AITA?

COMMENTS

VivaciousVV10910

Absolutely NTA. When will people start accepting the consequences to their actions? And why do other people think they can tell you how you should have responded to her?? Your girlfriend should have kept her mouth shut and just held you and let you talk and been there for you. I wouldn’t tell your parents you saw her either. That’s a bandaid you don’t want to rip off.

OOP

I wont be telling my parents. If she reached out to me, she can reach out to them the same way, though she told me she wont be doing it, she'd only reached out to me.

Dreamy_Literature101

NTA. She broke all contact with you for nearly a decade. She treated you as if you were disposable. There is no relationship to salvage. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to pick you up again just because it works for her.

I’m guessing she’s decided now’s a good time because she’s getting divorced and in essence needs something (time, attention, connection) from you. Ask yourself, if she weren’t getting divorced, would she have reached out?

You need to figure out who shared your address with her.

OOP

I hadnt thought of this and I've been feeling sick thinking this might be true since I read this. That she wouldn't have ever reached out if she hadnt gotten divorced. Would've been fine without ever seeing me again. Although she didn't ask for anything material during our interaction I guess, she wanted lunch, she thought after 9 years of almost forgetting I had a sister, id be ok with lunch.

Evening_Delay_1856

OP, I wonder if her bf turned husband made her block you all? Could it be that getting away from him might be why she was able to reach out?

OOP

I dont know. Back then she would vouch for him a lot in front of our parents who really thought he was bad news, so idk, she seemed like it was all of her own volition.

cman_yall (downvoted)

Keep in mind that she might have cut you off because she was scared you would tell your parents anything that she told you.

OOP

No. We had covered for each other so often when I was young. She had covered for me too. There was stuff that I could only tell her. That could not have been a real fear. I'd even told her friends that I wouldn't tell our parents but at least ask her to meet up with me. I'm sorry if I sound pointed but I haven't had to remember all the bs I went through in the aftermath of her elopement in a while and its just crazy how she just ditched us all. I don't think I can see her, I'd been thinking about it, but meeting her just means everything she put us through was fine, I remember how I felt at that time, and I can't let it go.

idea_looker_upper

What is it that you want to achieve? This is crucial to answering the question. 

OOP

I dont know. I really had internalized that I'd never see her again. I remember the hurt I had felt at the time. I dont want to lose my headspace and I don't want to act like everything I went through was ok, that it shouldn't have any meaning or consequences. And ofcourse I want her and her kids to be safe and happy too.

Ellf13

Did she even apologise? Or did she do the classic, it's such a long time ago you should be over it by now move? If there's no sincerity, there's no trust that she won't ghost you again. She owes you a full and frank conversation about what happened, her actions, her motivations and why she continued to block you. Without that you really have nothing to work with. Good luck.

OOP

She did apologize, she said she was sorry that she had cut me off, that she never meant for us to lose touch, her beef was with our parents only. I brought up that she blocked me everywhere, and she was just sobbing and apologizing. I also remember me begging her best friends for info and them saying they had no idea, which Ive always suspected was them lying because she asked them to.

Fantastic_Mechanic73

What are your parents thoughts ? How do they feel about potential reconciliation?

OOP

I haven't told them about this. I dont see the point I guess, they made their peace with her absence a while back, we all did.

Healthy_Till6728

NTA but that's a tough situation to be in 

Just out of curiosity, why didnt the family accept her then bf? Cultural? Religious? Age?

OOP

They just didn't think he would make a good partner I think, she'd be vouching for him, and they (particularly my mom) would be telling her that essentially he's only interested in sex to put it crudely. There may have been other subconscious reasons possibly idk, but at least when they talked about it they would only bring up that he was bad news and that they were looking out for her.

Update 1 - after 4 days

^{November 27, 2025}

Update : AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she broke all contact with us

Hi. Thanks a lot to everyone for the support in my post. And to those who reached out for support. I'd been emotionally drained almost after meeting my sister. Like I said I had made my peace, after a lot of hurt and futile hope, that I would never see her again.

She had my number, and I hadn't blocked the new number of hers. I'd thought about it, and received advice to, but I just didn't, it slipped from my mind. She asked me on Tuesday how I was doing, and asked if we could meet on Wednesday, she really wanted me to meet her kids. I was really conflicted, I didn't want to oblige her, but I decided to say yes to at least meet them.

I went to her apartment yesterday and met my niece and nephew. My niece had recently turned 9 and my nephew is 6. They're great kids and I really enjoyed seeing them. I remember feeling a certain way when my sister was introducing me and she told him, that the way he's my niece's younger brother, similarly I'm her younger brother. We talked a bit, and started talking about stories from us growing up.

I hadn’t and still haven't said everything's ok between us, but our stories and conversation went smoothly. I learned that after she eloped and got married she had moved in with her husband into his place in a town a few hours away from us. That around 2019 they had had moved to the city we were currently in (according to her she didn't know all this time that I later moved here for work after college too). I told her about what I'd been up to all these years, my college, my job, my girlfriend etc.

After that, the kids were in their room and my sister brought up us all doing something again over the weekend. I told her we werent ok, she can't expect me to forget everything. She said she was sorry that her moving out had nothing to do with me, that she missed me. I was angry at the fact that she had no idea the pain I'd gone through both personally and then having to be the crutch for my parents pain.

I told her I didn't believe her that she would've been perfectly fine with never seeing me again if she hadnt gotten divorced, that I could've been dead and she probably wouldnt have broken a sweat upon learning it since she was so blissed out from her domestic life. I know it was ugly, I've never said anything like this but in that moment I just wanted her to feel some kind of hurt of the kind she'd given me. She broke down and said I can hate her if I want but to just not hate her forever, there has to be a limit. I regretted saying what I said when I saw her crying so I just sat next to her and asked about why they'd divorced.

She told me that their life had been going alright the first few years. She said she'd even sent word through a mutual when the kids were born (which either the mutual messed up or my sister did because we never heard about it). She said when covid happened her marriage became hell for her, that it had uncovered a side of her ex she never knew.

He became abusive, had disdain for their son, revealed he used to record every single conversation of theirs, had convinced her she was crazy and a bad wife and mother. That she stuck with him because of the kids until she had enough, that a very good neighbor of theirs whom she had become friends with gave her a lot of support and even helped line her up with a job. During all this she even blamed our parents for her sticking with the marriage for so long and for not reaching out.

I told her they had literally pleaded with her not to do this, I was there, I was 18 not 8. She said they told her she was dead to them if she ran off with him and so she blamed them for her not being able to leave him. I told her that was insane logic and she just didnt want to talk about them and asked me not to tell them about her. I said yeah her relationship with them is her own.

I also asked her who had given her my address, she begged me not to ask her that, that they hadnt given it easily she'd had to swear secrecy, and cry and convince them that I'd want to see my older sister, so I dropped it.

We had tea and snacks after that she asked me again if I wanted to do anything this weekend since she has the kids or we could do somethimg the weekend after just the two of us, I said I don't know. She was ok with that answer. She was tearful again when I was leaving, we hugged and I hugged the kids goodbye too.

My mind has been a mess since then. I lashed out and everything, but also regret what I said, but then I also try to remember how I had felt back then and then get angry again. It feels so weird knowing that shes now 20 minutes away from me and we can visit whenever. I told my girlfriend about all this, she said she supports me no matter what but in her opinion to consider the weekend plan with a cool mind.

This got long, I apologize but Ive been trying to collect my own thoughts on this and writing this just seemed to help. Thanks for the help.

COMMENTS

Famous_Rooster271

I'm glad you and your sister talked? I'm late to the party, but I was in a similar boat recently.... and my sister is now married to a woman. So, good luck OP!

That's a great moment to... just be atleast hear out one another? on what's happened, one another's view that doesn't mean you're forced to do anything, but atleast you have the ability to decide if this is something you could pursue.

My sister came from a DV relationship, and so did I... the fact that we're both still alive and able to talk about our shitty parents is a huge support beam in my system. She is still recovering, and so am I. But we have one another, and she had her awesome wife!

Just, take some time off the internet and enjoy a day where you relax, go out for a nice coffee and lunch, maybe to the park, all on your own and just think. Allow yourself to cry in your car, talk to yourself, a you day with selfcare, or maybe a day in cuddled up warm pillows, creating/drawing, but I really recommend getting out of the house off the internet. Dopamine media detox for a day basically, and let yourself feel, and think.

OOP

Im going to try and clear my mind thanks. I've been thinking this again and again that I should do what makes me happy, and maybe that is being able to reconnect with her and her kids and then I think that's letting her off too easy, I was in pain back then trying to reach out, what about that. Its been emotionally taxing. Your advice about taking some tine off is good.

Update on the same post - after 10 days

Hi, I’d been getting a lot of moral support and advice from a lot of people here which I appreciate. A few people had asked how things have gone. So I told my sister I couldn’t sped thanksgiving weekend with her. Partly because maybe I still wasn’t in the right headspace for something like that and also because I had t go to my parents for that weekend, and normally when I go there I usually end up staying over for the entire weekend. She said ok, asked me not to tell them that she was back in my life, i said fine, it wasn’t my place and besides my parents had come to terms with her absence a while back.

It was a bit surreal for sure to be with my parents and have this secret with me. We were spending the weekend like a complete family while my sister was at her apartment and knowing this was weird. When I was back she asked if I wanted to hang out next weekend (the one that just passed), her kids would be with their dad so the two of us could hang out.

I know what a lot of commenters had said. I appreciate all their advice. But I had tried to clear my head and my girlfriend had just told me to do whatever makes me happy. I did think about it, and I honestly decided that hanging out with her on Saturday would make me happier than not doing it. It wasn’t about her, it was for myself, so I went to her apartment on Saturday.

She asked me how our parents were doing I said they were doing well now. Since she was the one who mentioned them I asked her if she wanted to reconnect with them, it might be better for both her and maybe them, but she said no, and just repeated that line about them saying she was dead to them. It was clearly something said in the heat of the moment but I didn’t push her on it again.

We just went to the mall, bought some clothes, then had dinner at her place and watched a movie. It was a light hangout in general, the conversation flowed smoothly. It obviously wasn't like it used to be, partly because I still keep thinking about how I felt when she had left us, about how I had to support our parents emotionally in the aftermath and partly because she has changed a bit, shes a lot more anxious and nervous now than I remember her. But in general it was a chill hangout.

I did bring up that I’d like to know who gave her my address that at this point I didn’t regret that they had given it to her but still they shouldn’t do that. She got defensive and begged me not to ask her that, that they hadn’t just given it easily, she’d had to plead and cry and promise that she’d take a rejection if that’s what I did, and that she’d sworn secrecy. So again I dropped it, its whatever I guess. I left and we said we’ll meet up again soon.

I had received a lot of comments saying I was stupid, that I had no self-esteem that I was being used. I just would like you to understand that this isn’t an abstract concept for me like it might be for you. This is my sister. The same sister who i grew up with, who helped me with school projects and helped me out in a ton of ways when I was growing up. And yes the same sister who ghosted us for 9 years.

I’m still angry about that, but like I said I’m only doing what I want for myself, not out of some guilt now. And look so far I’m down a subway fare’s worth of dollars to visit her and a few hours at the mall, I’m fine with that loss. If after all this she ups and ghosts me again in the future for whatever reason, I’ve made my peace with that, and may we all get what we deserve in that case. Thank you for all the help.

Update 2 - after 2 months, 5 days (after 2 months, 1 day from last post)

^{January 28, 2026}

Update: AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she broke all contact with us

A few people had asked how things were going. I'd taken a bit of a break because its just complicated and I felt asking others input was hurting more than helping.

My sister and her kids and I had been meeting up whenever we could find time and it was enriching like I liked that we were spending time regardless of a lot of feedback saying I was being had.

I went to my parents for the Christmas and New Year's holidays. During that period there had been a couple of gatherings with the entire family, uncles and aunts and cousins. It was in those gatherings I guess that I contextualized the extent to which my sister's actions had affected our family. All the other families were full, all siblings and kids, some of them with their spouses and young kids of their own. Ours was torn. And the entire extended family would still walk on eggshells sometimes. None of my cousins had had to listen to their mom cry about their estranged sister while in college studying for exams and midterms and what not.

I also realized I had been lying by omission to my parents about something huge, the whereabouts of their daughter whom they still love and worry about. My relationship with them is the one that has sustained and withstood. So a couple of weeks ago, I told my sister as much. That asking me to keep a secret like this wasn't fair. I was kind about it, I didn't lash out, didn't try to make her feel bad about everything we'd been put through.

She was the one who got heated, saying our parents had told her she was dead to them, that she was facing hell while they had left her to die, I then brought up that they were the ones who did their best to prevent her from ending up in that situation and she was the one who had left because she thought she knew better, because she cared more about her boyfriend than her entire family whom she cut all contact with. She didn't budge on not talking to our parents, and I too said that we can't be talking then, I'm not risking a staple relationship for one that had proved to be flaky. That may have crossed a line because that led to tears.

We didn't tell my niece and nephew that I won't be seeing them for a while. I don't know what she's going to explain to them. its painful for me too. Since then my sister hasn't said anything on text just sent pictures or videos (like she was already doing) of the kids or what was made for dinner, a few times. I've heart reacted but said nothing either. I do hope we can come to a resolution on her end and the kids get to be close to their uncle and their grandparents.

COMMENTS

JensElectricWood

I'm glad your sister is safe but it's really not fair for her to put your relationship with your parents in danger. Are you going to tell your parents that you heard from her?

OOP

No I won't. I won't take that decision from her. Thats her call. Its probably why she didn't contact me once all this time, and its unbelievable that she thought I would have.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 7 months, 25 days (after 5 months, 20 days from last post)

^{July 18, 2026}

Update: AITA for telling my sister we were strangers after she broke all contact with us

Hi, I thought I'd give an update. I was planning on giving one around a few weeks back like a much more positive one but it didn't really end up in a good place. In May I did end up seeing my sister and her kids again because it was my nephew's birthday. My sister and I had been communicating on text and she'd been sending videos but not in person. We celebrated his birthday I gave him his present, we ate cake wore our party hats and everything. When we were alone she asked me how I'd been.

When I told her I'd seen my parents the week before, that i go there regularly she was good with that said that was good that I did that regularly. She had asked how they were doing. I thought that since they didn't know about her she shouldn't be asking either and said as much. She got really heated, maybe for the first time since we reconnected, said I had no right to withhold information about them.

I was genuinely struck by the hypocrisy, she said they were the ones who pronounced her dead, she didn't pronounce them dead. We argued I held my line. I told her if she wants to see them, have the kids know their grandparents, she has to tell them. She can settle her issues with them at her own pace but at least tell them. She repeated that line again about them saying she was dead to them. I said if shes going to take it to heart rather than the outburst it was then she can't ask for updates on how theyre doing, the dead don't do that. We changed the topic because the kids were playing.

A couple of weeks later, she called me to ask them to call her. I spoke to her about how we couldn't have them know that I'd known for so long, it would shatter them. She thankfully agreed and said she'd tell the kids too, to say they met me a few days ago. I told my parents that she'd come to my place a few days ago. That she was divorced and had two kids. My mom started crying on the phone, and having difficulty breathing. They ended up calling her. She didn't tell them her address but was meeting them the next day and I was going too.

I was going to update then actually, I thought my sister and my parents could reconcile. And it seemed like they did first. My sister collapsed into my mom's arms, they were gentle, they were in love with her kids. I later took the kids to KFC for a light mood while my sister and parents reconnected. When we came back the mood was different. My sister was arguing with them, saying that every day of abuse she went through was because they had orphaned her. My parents said they knew he was not worthy of her, but my sister wasn't listening to that. She soon just wanted to leave.

Since then, my sister and my parents have been in contact. They have visited her place and she has gone to theirs but just goes to her room while my parents spend time with her kids. We did spend last weekend at my parents' and its still the same thing.

This will be my last time posting here about this and thanks to everyone who helped me navigate this.

COMMENTS

Ok_Passage_6242

There’s no guidebook or will look on what to do when something that would be a TV movie of the week happens in your life. I think you’ve navigated it really well. Both your parents and your sister will eventually need to decide if they want to be right or if they want to be happy. There is enough pain and resentment to go around for everyone if they want to continue on this path. No one is righteous here.

I do think that it could be wise to seek out a family counselor to help navigate the rest of this. You should go back to trying to be a daughter and a sister not just a counselor for your family. Good luck and be proud of yourself

OOP

Thank you. Therapy isn't really something anyone in my family would be super receptive too unfortunately but maybe at some point.

Agreeable_Excuse_897

I am glad your parents and sister are talking and trying their best, they have been through a lot.

But I can’t fathom how selfish your sister is being right now, her defensiveness is understandable but so self destructive.

Also if I were you I would still want to know who shared my contact details, you have a right to know from a safety point of view too.

OOP

She won't tell. Says she swore secrecy, said that person trusted her, that she had to cry and beg for it, that I only have one sister so there's noone else who could convince them anymore anyway since they wouldn't have given it to any random. I don't like it but what can I do at this point.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Emu_Fast posting in r/RealEstate

Sadly ongoing for OOP

4 updates - Very Long

Original - 24th July 2023

Update1 - 10th August 2023

Update2 - 13th October 2023

1 Year and 3 year updates in Part 2

Update3 - 24th July 2024

Update4 - 17th July 2026

​

My wife and I were sold a lemon, the sellers concealed evidence of migratory bats that came back in the summer and completely ruined our lives

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My wife and I live in Washington state. We are young parents (born last Nov) and were very desperate to buy a home and get setup to raise our child. The place we were living in had a half acre but was a trailer, so small and full of problems.

Most of the houses in our area are above 800K for a postage stamp lot where you can lean out your window and touch your neighbors house, so we looked outside our area. I have a fully remote job, so we picked a spot close to our favorite state park in North Puget Sound. The home we bought for ~870K, 20% down. It is a huge Victorian mansion on top of a hill with a big turret and a view of the water.

The inspection showed a LOT of projects, but nothing we couldn't handle over the course of a decade or more. Once my wife returns to work, it would be possible to burn down the equity and finance improvements. Possibly refi to a lower rate if the Fed ever comes down again (but not betting on it). One thing in the report was "evidence of rodents" in the attic. We have dealt with rats and mice before by setting traps and thought very little of the problem. My mom talked about having squirrels in her attic that they had to shut out. Not a big deal.

So, despite some hesitation about the repairs and fixes that might lie ahead, we bought the place. We closed on April 1st and moved in by mid-month. It was amazing, the location is incredible.

We have guests in May, no problems. Then, towards the end of the month, we get a bat in our room at night. I quickly catch it in a bucket and get it out through the window while wife and baby get out. (I learn later I should have kept it.) We think, we are close to the woods, this is just what happens sometimes if the window is open a crack.

Then, we have a guest staying in the bedroom in the furnished attic. They hear scrawling in the walls. We start hearing it while we are up there (where we put the TV and a futon - its a carpeted living room type space up there). So we stake out the house, and we see a hoard of bats fly out from a tiny tiny gap in the corner of our attic window dormer.

We immediately call as many pest companies as we can and reach out to our insurance agent. I have work travel and come back. We have friends come to visit. We all get incredibly incredibly sick. Probably not associated to the bats, but histoplasmosis isn't impossible. At first we are very concerned about the bats, but we think this might be addressable. Then it started getting even crazier.

Early July, after a week of being super ill, the first bat company comes. They review the house, tell us its one of the worst infestations they've ever seen. There are likely thousands of bats. Which means chances are high that a few of them do carry rabies. Also that much fecal matter will definitely become a human health hazard even if its above the drywall, because it will fester, mold, get wet and drip through.

The next day, another bat gets into the kitchen in the middle of the day while we are cooking. I catch it with my fishing net and squash it. The bat pest person told us to take it to the health department, so I did, but it ended up being too far gone to tell if it had rabies. Live bats are required. My wife is too concerned to keep staying there. She packs up baby and goes to live at my sisters.

Our original house we had intended to either rent or sell to a developer, but everything happens in slow motion with a baby under 1. Now we had to relocate back into it. I stay up in the house to deal with contractors and the health department. I'm still extremely sick, cough and sore throat. My wife and baby start their rabies exposure series per the health department. We are set to max out our insurance coverage costs. Even with coverage, we will end up paying $14,000+ in medical expenses.

So we start talking with the neighbors. Some of them even stake out the house with me while I take video of thousands of bats flying out. The health department comes to try and capture a live one. They can't get to one though, none are loose inside the house, they are stuck behind drywall and plyboard panels and enmeshed into the insulation. I open up all the crawlspace doors and seal the attic shut, then I come out and there are 6 in the attic. I catch one and bring it to the health department.

Now, here we are, evacuated, living on 1/4 of our personal goods, back to our trailer. During this time, we've been coordinating with lawyers, insurance, pest control, various contractors. The assessment is as such:

We bought the house from an estate. In WA State, an estate does not need to disclose anything wrong about the house, it is buyer beware. (no form 17)

However, from neighbors and facebook digging, we know that the estate had a son-in-law who stayed at the house nearly 2 years working on the home to make it more sellable and auctioning off antiques.

There are panels and flimsy boards, and lights in weird places in the crawlspace above the attic. We also noticed fly larva coming out of the boards that the inspector missed. Likely this was work done by the seller.

The inspection report identifies the pests as rodents but only as a problem in one area. Now the entire attic and all the storage crawl areas have insulation and bat poop. The gutters and roof seams are completely coated in insulation and poop.

Insurance denied our claim, they say the problem is pre-existing because of the evidence of pests in inspection, despite the severity and scale of the problem now.

Other neighbors confirmed that the original couple that lived there knew about the bats and showed them how many there were, like 10 years ago.

Lawyers we've talked to say its very unlikely we would win a case. The sellers knew all their legal loopholes (son-in-law was a house flipper) - they may have hidden the problem but that isn't illegal, even though it led to very hazardous conditions for our infant. If we lose the case, we owe tens of thousands in legal fees.

The cost to fix is exceedingly high. $20-40k just to get the bats out, possibly reroofing the entire house (likely above $60k - its a complex roof.) Then redoing all the interior insulation and flooring in the attic (more than $20k). Possibly with enough haggling and putting in some labor myself, I could get costs close to $60K, but that may be wishful thinking.

HELOC loans, home equity loans, and equity agreements, all seem to be inaccessible, we are just too improperly leveraged, we've only made a handful of payments so far. Maybe we could cover part of repairs, but likely not all of them.

So - now I put you in our shoes:

Risky lawsuit against the sellers and the seller's realtor.

2) Risky lawsuit against insurance

3) Risky concoction of overleveraging (HELOC/HEA) to pay for repairs

4) Strategic default, we loose $200K immediately and locked out of real estate for years

5) Try to convince a few insane investors to pay off our equity, take out business loans to fix, remodel, and turn the place into a BNB (very unlikely and also risky)

6) Cash out my 401K, sell a kidney, get a 2nd job, or enlist in the military

7) Sell our smaller property (maybe can get $450K for it) and rent somewhere while we fix the new place, but then we lose our last vestige of security

I say this all in the context of not wanting to live in that home any more. We love the neighborhood, but feel that the place is going to be a complete and absolute money pit. With enough love, attention and improvement, and changes to the Fed's rates, we could probably sell for $1.1M or higher if it was proven bat free, repainted, and some other aesthetic work was done. But it would take $150-200k to get there, so it would virtually be a wash.

With the market teetering in a million stupid directions, and the scale of severity of this problem, we are losing our minds. At least we have good Halloween costumes picked out this year....

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Comments

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MoodOct

I tried searching the replies before posting this (apologies if it is a repeat). Have you contacted any of the Universities? While living in IL someone we knew had a similar issue as you and they were told to contact U of I. Those students came out, set up and relocated the bats all in the name of science and on the school's dime.

OOP: That's actually a fresh idea. I used to work in the college of the environment too. I was considering calling the nearby ranger station too.

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Same bat time, same bat channel - update from the bat mansion of financial horror - 1 month later

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Where to start.... Life is a whirlwind sometimes. Nothing is easy about this whole situation, we don't have any deus-ex-machina solutions falling into our lap. We're just chugging along, still trying to piece together any semblance of a plan while struggling to keep our sanity. It's a lot of small steps, one at a time, and a LOT of stress… And 12 ER visits to get all of our rabies shots…

The expertise of some of you redditors was astounding. Not a ton of help on figuring out our method to finance this, and I'll also point out $450k on our old place is a stretch. We'd be lucky to get above $360k without a lot of work. There's also a lot of family resistance to selling, as my mother owned it and lived in it after her divorce, and it's her fallback plan if her current spouse dies. Loooong story there too…

Also, holy cow - you snoops were able to doxx us pretty easy based on "Victorian, North Puget Sound." But because of that, we even got an inspection report from an earlier prospective buyer. You redditors also brought up some very interesting conversations and advice from RE Investors, biologists, pest control, and general contractors. Great starting points, but still a lot to look into. I DID reach out to the University (I actually used to work in the college of the environment) - there was a professor at the Burke Museum in chiropterology - but she could only really refer me to the Dept Fish and Wildlife (DFW).

Luckily, DFW does have some ways they can help, not financially. They can help us get permitting and design for bat houses that can be put up in the state park. Our other neighbors are supportive of this too because it would take bat pressure away from their houses too.

There's a lot more that's happened - so here's abbreviated list:

Grandma (my MIL) is an attorney, and did a TON of research, and then we paid $3K to have more experienced real estate attorneys confirm that we "had a bats chance in hell"

Talking to the bank - in theory we could take out a combination of loans - personal line of credit, home improvement loan, and a HELOC, for as much as $110K for a monthly of $1500. If wife goes back to work and daycare isn't impossible, this is feasible but still challenging on top of a $4900/mo mortgage. $110K might only cover 2/3 the work too.

We are asking the bank for a "Pause" to be able to rack up more in savings so we might get some of the work started soon. This doesn't cover costs but it gives us runway to maybe start some of the remediation services.

Our roofing friends are checking out the property with us next weekend - they think, as they did before - it will be a VERY expensive job in just materials - but want to confirm.

The Health Department issued an imminent health hazard for the house, its unfit for habitation until we remediate. Kind of scary seeing the red warnings on all the doors.

Pest Control company gave us a writeup, it was not thorough and I remain unimpressed, unsure how it can help us talk with the bank.

All of our Rabies shots are done. Not fun. Sitting in the ER collectively 12 times. Maxed out limit of medical expense at $14K… And blood tests for histoplasmosis.

Our stress levels hit a critical point - my wife's mental state has hit periods of complete rock bottom. We are seeking counseling to get through this.

Article in the local news - and upcoming radio interviews including local NPR.

Also - if anyone out there has experience with USDA Loans, I'd love to hear from you. I don't fully qualify but the property does and I'm curious about waivers based on these stupidly high interest rates. Also, if anyone out there has successfully taken out business loans for a BnB through the SBA that doesn't compete or piss off the first-position residential lender… That would be very helpful to hear about.

The toughest thing we are dealing with though is anger and depression. Luckily, we also have an amazing little dude (our baby) who keeps us smiling no matter how bleak things get. I'm also finding it hard to be 100% committed to work, and struggling to keep ahead of the opinions and office politics that my position has to contend with for success. My boss is very understanding but I can tell that this has definitely set me a back a bit in a few ways.

We are also pursuing a few other creative ventures to raise funds but I don't want to break subreddit rules so I'm leaving them off this update. If anyone is a good book editor or interior designer with art skills, please reach out!

The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind... (I feel like I'm falling into a Lovecraftian madness)

Cheers all

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Comments

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Dry-Breadfruit-5775

So... Your original post is somewhat connected to my real life. I read your original post, my kid watched the new batman, I read the article about Peruvians might have a natural immunity to rabies, bat flew into my head, admitting nurse wearing batman scrubs. All in the last two weeks. I think I'm going to puke

OOP: Sorry, I did not mean to curse you. If it's any consolation, I've been told bats in some Asian countries represent good luck and family bonds.

Is the hospital recommending rabies shots for the bat that hit you? They say only 1 in 100 carry rabies but those aren't great odds and even a small scratch can end up fatal

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Update - 2 months later

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What's SPOOKIER than a house full of bats, 9% INTEREST RATES!!!! WOOOOO

Happy Friday the 13th! Okay - it's been a long time since I last gave an update on our situation. As you might expect, a lot has changed. It's all happened super slowly though, every day feels like nothing happened, but over a few months it is quite the story.

​ ​

Where are we at now?

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BATS! Most of them have migrated south - every time I staked out the house over the past few months there have been fewer and fewer. Last time it was raining and I saw none. There are 4 species - small-browns, yuma myotis, large browns and grey-haired. * (If you have bats and want to identify them - get an accoustic sensor for your phone. Each species has it's own frequency for sonar and will register differently.

If you can stand near their exit point you'll get a better sense for which species are in what parts of the house) * We are building bat-boxes for multiple neighbors - likely up to 30 boxes at 15 locations, + ~ 8-10 locations in the state park. Cost will be covered by Dept of Fish & Wildlife's "Master Hunter Program" which specializes in ecosystem support projects. We have the local high schools and girl scouts lined up to help cut the pieces, and will assemble them all together later. * One couple moved into the neighborhood after we did - and talking to them - we found out that the wife actually had rabies shots while she was living in a farmhouse and was pregnant! Such an odd and scary connection to make. Here's the number of government agencies I've spoken with since this started: County Health Dept, State Health Dept, Dept of Fish and Wildlife, State Parks Department, USDA, HUD, State Dept of Commerce, the EPA

The number of other groups and trades is far higher - multiple banks, lending institutions, contractors, roofers, insulation specialists, siding specialists, window specialists, bat rehabilitators, bat biologists, entomologists, wildlife control operators, creative writers, book editors, artists, carpenters, investors, realtors, financial managers, benefits managers - probably 2x that if I keep thinking about it We made a major realization - default or bankruptcy can come up on an employers background check and prevent someone from getting accepted to a job. So we have to double down.

We ran a crowdfunding campaign - if anyone reading this supported, thank you! I waited until that was finished until I posted here and I will not link to it either - but just sharing that it has helped, as much emotionally as monetarily. I'm writing a book about it - I won't elaborate or market it on here - just this has been so wild it needed to be pulled together. Probably 2 books - one aimed at a younger audience and focusing in on what makes bats special, the other around how we've gotten through this ordeal. I've had a number of folks with active bat issues reach out to me, so hopefully I can help point them at solid resources by the end of this. On a fun note - I'm re-reading Dracula, which is written as a collection of letters and journal entries. Which feels remarkably similar to telling a story by reddit posts...

Consolidating our medical debts - that's been tricky, 3 people, 4 hospital systems because one of them ran out of rabies dosage. I hadn't properly setup my HSA, but a portion of the bills I will be able to cover with that once we get the card.

Cost to remediate - we have $80K in repairs from our roofing/exterior company, which is a very large number, but they are concerned about health risks and have to rent a large articulated man-lift. The roofers are family friends - so we know they will be thorough - and it will also cover a lot of other exterior work - gutters, patching like 100 soffits, etc. Then another $20K just in attic rebuild, but that's before finishing work like flooring, paint, etc. Some of that work I will try to do myself - but it's definately all going to cost over $100K

Selling our old place - we are onboard to sell, although we need some grace period to live here. However, we've been told very mixed things. One family friend who does real estate investment deals thinks we can parcel our lot and sell each for $250k-$300k a piece. However the family friend who is a realtor thinks that's bologna and that we would be lucky to even get what we paid my mom to pay for it at $200K. Down the road however, developers are building duplexes and selling each half for $650K a pop. There's another developer putting up $1.1M houses, but that's slowed a bit with interest rates.

So we are still looking for a realtor who specializes in developer sales, maybe an auction where we set the floor... Otherwise I think we're stuck sitting on this land still until rates come down and development picks up again. We are trying to put our mortgage on pause / forbearance since we cannot legally live in the house until we clean things up. This was a slow bureaucratic process - and I'm not sure we'll qualify. Still, I'm jumping through those hoops because it is worth it if we can get a 6 month break - that's another $30K to throw at this problem. Wife has started work again also - a short duration contract - 4 months - so $15K from that.

All combined - I cashed out $30K from my previous 401K (thanks NVIDIA stock), $7K loan from my current employer, $12K from crowdfunding, and $15K from wife's contract, less some childcare support. We might get $15K from wife's grandpa also, so all combined that's $80K, so the rest we can take the max home-improvement loan for $35K - and that gets us almost to what we need in full.... Holy cow.

Finally - there is a "Brownfields" program from the Dept of Commerce + EPA - for sites that have a severe environmental hazard but are retooled to serve the public. We put together a proposal, and our contact there is really interested in helping us, but the timeline on getting those funds would be pretty drawn out and we are up against the clock before next spring when the bats come back. So as part of that, I also asked about the house next door to us - which is derelict and might be a reservoir for the bats. Those funds would be low/no interest, and would REALLY help, but I'm not banking on it coming through.

Which brings me to the last part of this update... the derelict house next door to our new house. This... well this is next level and I'm not really sure what's real. It feels kind of more insane than this already insane situation. When we moved in, all the neighbors when asked said that this guy - let's say Mick, had moved away over a decade ago, and hadn't been up in over 3 years. Outside his house is a golden mini-van covered in tree-dander that looks like it will never run. The house itself is 5 stories tall, an Escher painting of a design. You can get to it from two roads, above and below as it is built into the hillside. Then, all of the roofs are gone, it's just brown tarps.

There is an easement through our property to his, and then down to another road below. Walking the easement, you walk past a dilapidated Datsun truck that is filled with dirt and rusted apart. There are empty buckets and tires everywhere, and bags of various sizes. Then there is a garage without a door, and inside of it is filled with a gigantic pile of wet clothes. Next to that, is a door frame with no door. Inside you can see a refrigerator or freezer, and on top of it are a bunch of animal carriers. The entire area is littered with stinging nettle, and I didn't want to get closer or tress-passe, but you can see a gigantic porch, and I mean HUGE. There is also a spot that looks like it might have once been a lovely garden, but now it is fully overgrown and shaded out from the trees that have grown in.

I tried calling the number listed on the county parcel website and it came back disconnected. The other neighbors described him as "older and his wife has dementia." So I definitely had an image of who I thought this was. When a 60 year old says "he's older" - I thought that meant like early 80s. Then I find out more, he ran an AV/electronics company - setup home theater systems, he was a navy fighter pilot, he's a night owl, I would see lights on and him walking around in the middle of the night. Then one day while I'm up there, I see somebody over at the property. Rather than call out, I ring one of the neighbors, because this guy doesn't look that old, maybe 50s or 60s. He's moving up and down his property via a ladder.

So I go over to the neighbor on the other side of him. I'm good friends with this guy - since we swap fishing stories and he has a totally rad whiskey bar in his lower story. I find out he has "Mick's" number and we ring him. No pickup, but we leave a message - Tom would love to connect. Now, I had to leave, but I came back up a week later and his car was still there. So I tried knocking, which is hard because you have to walk over this rickity set of stairs that is definitely rotten, and knock at this door which is at the apex of a super tall structure. No response, so we leave a flyer in his mailbox about the bat-houses we are planning to build. Then while talking to another neighbor, he drives by. We waive at him and walk towards his car expecting him to stop and say hello, but he just waives, looks away, and keeps driving.

Then we go to the other end of the block. There's a HUGE house, a 6000 square foot Barbie dreamhouse, on a lot where they've clearcut everything and made a huge well manicured lawn in an area surrounded by alder tree forest. This guy, let's call him Ryan, is late-40s, early 50s, and is really well-to-do. He has a medical profession and a home construction business. Talking to him about the situation, he says he knows "Mick" and would talk to him. I suggest he pass along my number also. A few days later, "Ryan" calls me - he starts asking questions - would I be willing to sell one of my lots (the one with all the big cedar trees) - or that "Mick" is willing to buy OUR place because he feels bad for us. Which at that point, I'm super skeptical - like this guy 'Mick' is fully absent, he has this really creepy garage area full of empty buckets and a pile of random wet clothes, but he's loaded to the nines and wants to buy our place? At the price we bought it at?

If this is all reading like a horror movie, then at least I feel a bit validated. I'm actually driving up there tonight, so that I can meet with "Ryan's" GC tomorrow - just to see what help he can provide for hardscaping and attic repair work, but also just to get a better feel for what the hell is going on. I also finally got Mick's number from fishing neighbor - but I've been doing childcare the past few days - PTO while my wife gets trained on her new job, so I haven't had time or energy to call 'Mick' yet. His offer is tempting, but I don't believe it, and won't until I can talk to him. More than that, interest rates are so darn high, we really don't want to have to go through that again right now. I don't think rates will come back down unless the economy falls apart.

So with 'Mick' - I expect he's a nice enough guy, but am privately worried there might be something odd going on next door that he just wants to keep hidden. He probably was prompted into action from either the health department or the EPA because I asked them about his property. In talking with the writing coach I found - she was interested in hosting workshops at our place if we could turn it into a really cool, Dracula/Victorian/Dark Academia themed rental. Part of my proposal to the DoC/EPA was to consolidate the house next door and ours and make a large writer's retreat, but it would hinge on having a large grant available and then talking to the neighbor. We would have a public outreach aspect to it by offering writing competitions to high-schoolers, particularly for disadvantaged groups, or lower-income urban areas where they might not be able to afford a big vacation rental to practice their writing.

All that seems a mute point now - I likely pissed off 'Mick' and if he actually is loaded, he has no incentive to sell. Which is fine, if he fixes his place while we fix ours, our value will go up, a LOT. Still, there's just something eating away at me, this whole situation is beyond bizarre, and it is only getting weirder. A lot of people around us have died too. Like some kids hijacked a car in Kent and flew off the road on a blind curve just down the road, and all 3 of them. Then we went to a birthday party and found out later that some guy in that area had been beaten to death by a crowbar 2 days prior just a quarter mile away. Then this guy we talk to that loved our baby, and walked his dogs all the time in our old neighborhood, went snorkeling in the lake and drown.

I WISH I was making any of this up. This whole year has been... well, bat-sh$@ insane. Who would have thought that real estate could be this scary?

Take care everybody!

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Part 2 is posted here

The “Article in the local news” mentioned by OOP can be found here: https://www.whidbeynewstimes.com/news/family-of-three-finds-1000-bats-in-their-new-home/

A link to the interview with “local NPR” here: https://www.kuow.org/stories/home-buyers-got-a-deal-and-pests-they-can-t-get-rid-of?fbclid=IwAR1tCOu1dJk5HXQi9YlmFO_EBHH4roZHzkW5FYHQqaCSWPJWhx3Of499sL0

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Emu_Fast posting in r/RealEstate

Sadly ongoing for OOP

4 updates - Very Long

First three parts in [Part1](https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1v03sdt/very_longpart1my_wife_and_i_were_sold_a_lemon_the/)

Original - 24th July 2023

Update1 - 10th August 2023

Update2 - 13th October 2023

Update3 - 24th July 2024

Update4 - 17th July 2026

Update - 1 year later

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1 YEAR UPDATE: My wife and I bought a new home that was a BAT INFESTED LEMON

Where to begin. It's been an eventful year. Super eventful. Like insane, I never ever could have imagined this happening to us.

Let me start with a PSA: DO NOT BUY VENTED RIDGE NEXT TO A BODY OF WATER!!! YOU WILL GET BATS!

Ridge vent, in particular the brands that "fold" in the middle, are notoriously difficult to bat-proof. I can't link to it - but there are some great videos on Youtube.

Bats are drawn to flowing air. They can detect it with small hairs on their wings. Basically the entire vent is a spotlight to a bat that says - "COME ON IN!"

Not only did this affect me, but I've had two other people reach out to me online from the same county I live in - and they had same conditions - vented ridge, near water, BATS!

And its not just vented ridge, its any major gaps in your siding, roof or soffits - just vented ridge is the worst of it.

Summary of the Damage My family has been hit big time - financial, health, emotionally. It has taken a pretty severe toll. With that said, we soldier on, we laugh a lot, we push through it. Life rolls on.

Here's an overview of what we're dealing with:

MONEY * ~$60K spent in repairs (and climbing) - $20K for roof, $15K on various other contractors, $25K on equipment rental, tools/materials for me to DIY the rest * Over $230K in quotes if I had shopped everything out. DIY has been brutal but has saved us a ton. * $12K in hospital bills from rabies ($90K+ if you're not insured), another $6K from additional ER visits. * Over $30K ejected from my 401K, with a huge tax penalty * FMLA payouts and crowdfunding of $12K also had a big tax hit * Our bank DID grant us a reprieve - 6 months without payments. However, they may come back to us and demand all the cash up front, we are extremely worried about that, but will make it work

BATS / GUANO * We filled about 100 contractor bags were filled with guano - half filled bags, so about 2100 gallons or 10 cubic feet (of bat shit) * Probably 350+ contractor bags filled with soiled insulation, drywall and other materials - filled a 30 yard dumpster 2/3 and then 6 dump runs in trash trailer * I've handled about 20 bats - 8 small browns, 5 yuma myotis, 7 big brown bats (they are some big sky pups) - each one has a crazy story associated to it, and we brought most of them to the bat rehab in our area. More below.

ADDITIONAL EVENTS * My son has had 9 ER visits - 4 from rabies, 5 related to being in a crowded daycare earlier than expected from my wife going back to work * My truck broke down in December - stranding me in a town where I knew no one, in freezing rain. This did prompt me to buy a newer, more reliable truck, despite all our other financial setbacks. * Removing all the insulation in the attic resulted in burst pipes, then we had a clog that caused backflow to ruin the basement, and our washer/dryer/dishwasher/water-heater all broke while I was up there working. (not from the bats, just old) * Not going to count the number of fights my wife and I have had, the anti-depressants she needed to take or the fact that my toddler son points at my phone and says "BAT" - either he loves bats or he's traumatized Community and Positives Despite all the negatives - there have been some positives.

Bat Rescue - we have built up rapport with the local bat rescue. They helped us identify species and later helped nurse a few big brown bats back to health. More on that below. Bat Boxes in Neighborhood - working with several groups within Washington Dept of Fish and Wildlife, State Parks, WA State Master Hunters, and the Girl Scouts - we put up boxes in the local state park and in our yard - enough to host 1000+ bats, although they didn't seem interested this year. Guano to local farmers - 10 cubic yards of poop means a LOT of nitrogen rich fertilizer. If it wasn't laced with insulation and we were more sure about legality of selling - we probably had about $4K worth of guano. Just... its not something we wanted to risk legally. Instead we gave it away and made some friends!

Becoming "Local Legends" - the community we are in, our neighborhood, the surrounding islands... EVERYONE knows us. "Oh, you're THOSE PEOPLE!" at the playground, or "OMG I'm SO SORRY" from new neighbors. Even hiking near Snoqualmie and someone noticed us from Facebook. It's odd. More time with family - being forced back to the crowded Seattle area we tried to leave - we do have more family there. They have certainly been happy we are close, although they had also been excited to visit us before the bats moved in.

Recap / Month-by-Month 2023

July/Aug: We evacuated our house. I caught bats to bring to the health department. Fish & Wildlife, and bat biologists came out to identify the species and help do bat counts. I begin conversations with contractors and frantically look for financial support. We run a crowdfunding campaign and have coverage in local news.

Sep/Oct: Routinely visiting the house, we monitored the bats until we didn't see them anymore (migrate away). Some really bizarre and terrifying stuff goes on with my neighbors, and we have a very memorable Halloween, traumatized by all the bat décor. I continue looking into financial options.

Nov: I begin locking in contractors, primarily the roofers. I have a few different "restoration" companies come out and gave huge numbers, or refused to do certain things. In the end, I was forced to determine I would need to DIY a significant portion of the work. My wife started working again to help pay for repairs.

Dec: The work starts. Wearing full respirator gear I took time off work tackled the ceiling and walls in sections. My wife joined in, a big brown bat fell on her. Then she really got mad and literally dug through solid bricks of shit with the crowbar. It's all on film... The roofers began the work, removing the old ridge and putting canvas in its place. My truck broke down, I got a new one. We found a few more bats in the walls, hibernating big browns. Our son got sick (not from bats, from other kids) - we spent Christmas in the ER. 2024

Jan: * I find 3 more big brown bats. I get to know my neighbor in the 5 story collapsing tower better (he was a former Navy pilot with an inverted sleep schedule, but not a vampire). * It reaches 11 F - cold for a maritime area. Thinking I drained the lines - I turn on the water. The dial goes nuts. I come inside and find water dripping everywhere on the bedroom level. That water had mixed with bat shit. It was from the attic where the copper pipes had frozen. I find myself stuck atop the hill, without running water, with a biohazard of a house.... But we manage to patch the pipes. * Towards the end of the month, "battle of the bats" takes place - an army of contractors descended, I rented a 60 foot lift and the roofing folks, chimney folks and pest folks got to work. At one point I could wave to the roofers from inside through a huge gap in the flashing. They get all the new RVO vents and patch up the turret soffits.

Feb: * Plumbers come and do a proper crimp and fix on the pipes. The roofers come and finish the job and do site cleanup, and drone shots. * The local pest company guy is able to help me with cleanup. I even got to watch the SuperBowl at his house. I find another 2 bats. * I need to buy scaffolding to reach the higher parts of the attic. The entire upper area is completely packed with shit that is held in place by exclusionary screening that the previous owners tried to use to keep the bats out. The work is grinding - but I push through. * A clog in the drain lines causes backflow into the basement. The basement carpet gets soaked in water. Taking showers can only happen if I go down to bail water from the toilet after. Progress slows to a standstill.

Mar: * After trying to run a hand-crank drain snake, plumbers come and run a motorized one and fix the problem. I can shower again!!! However, I also find that the washing machine is broken and overflowing water in to the drain catchment system. I can no longer wash my clothes. * Simultaneously, the washing machine and dishwasher in our old house also stop working. A mountain of appliance repairs has fallen upon us all at once. * Then my wife is laid off from her new contract job. My son, after 10 days in a crowded daycare gets seasonal corona, novel flu - strain B, pneumonia and double ear infections. After running a fever near 104F for a week - he is hospitalized and on IVs for 2 nights. I was more terrified than I have ever been in my entire life. Every dollar my wife earned working disappeared. * Later, I go up and meet with the bat rehab lady and WDFW - to release the 7 bats I'd found in my walls. I wear a mask to keep the bats from getting my coronavirus. You're welcome. One follows me home, I watch it try to get into the house - it hits the new flashing, flies around angry , and disappears. Occasionally I see it on my home security camera, drawn to the heat. * WDFW and a Girl Scout have built a bunch of bat boxes. We have a national media reporter come out, and films as 4 state agencies, the WA Master Hunters, Girl Scouts, and a few other groups come out to raise bat boxes in the nearby state park. * I continue with demolition work - the upper attic crawlspace is a very hard spot to work in, but I'm finally gaining ground.

Apr: * I bring in a mold expert to test the space. He takes air samples, carpet samples, and swabs the shit-crusted beams. The good news - no histoplasmosis. The bad news, plenty of other mold to deal with. The master bed/bath need to be redone. * We bagged up bat poop in paper lunch bags with a bat stamped on the front and handed it out to gardeners at the local seed swap. * I bought a new washer/dryer so that I can avoid going to the laundromat with very soiled clothing. * Spring sale - I bough an air compressor, sandblaster, other tools to support in the scrubbing and cleanup. But I needed help from new friends to unload the heavy compressor, and then realized we had no 240V in the basement. * Electrician friend comes - and helps sort things out - 240 in basement, hooked up compressor - helped on idea to mount bat boxes with unistrut. Then also we ran a spider box and subpanel to attic so we could remove the soiled lines. * Just enjoying some life - my son will only be 1 once... Going to the zoo and seeing family is important.

• May: * After weeks of messing with fittings and shopping around to find what I needed - I test the sand blaster, I realize it needs to be a last resort. There's just too much dust kicked up. So instead I set about the long process of pulling nails and screws so that I can run the sander overtop. It's a LONG, SLOW, process. * We finally get the bat boxes hoisted! It took five dudes. It was incredible. They actually look really good. Then on May 10th I notice bats IN THE VENTS. I can't tell if they are the Big Browns or something else. In retrospect it was probably the yumas. With a very light push from the air compressor, they decided to leave. * One of our neighbors is willing to host my wife and son on weekends, and even watches our son while my wife and I clean the attic together. * Our house gets infested with caterpillars again, millions of them. A few bats hang around in the vents, I can't get them to leave so I go up and turn on podcasts while I work, and listen together with the bats. * June:

• Lots of normal life stuff alternating with bat-life stuff. I get a bunch of brushes and chemicals and start rotating through them while trying to figure out what works best. * With the bat accoustics device, I monitor the house at dusk. I don't see any fly out, but I do pick up a number of species. I can see big browns flying around overhead and hear their calls on the bat-app. Its kinda fun. Seems like we "won"- no more bats. * I tear out the basement carpet and find standing water.... It will be awhile to figure out how to remodel here. * July: * Normal life, summer stuff, the 4th * Electrician comes out and we take all the old wires out, and cap where the incoming lines are hot. I spend the next day clearing the dead (shit encrusted) lines from the walls. * It's 95F+ in the attic - and all bats gone from the vents - so I air out with windows open overnight. Bats get in. I find 3 Yuma myotis around the base of the chimney. I have no lightswitches, and have to chase bats around in the dark to get them out the windows. Eventually I turn on a worklight after crawling on the ground. * I think the bats are gone, close windows in middle of the night. Then a few days later cleaning contractors come. On the second day I spot one bat on the wall. I grab it and put in the bat tent. Then they spray around the chimney and one shoots out. I catch it with a fishing net, but it's frustrating. * The last few weeks I spend waking up VERY early to avoid the heat and scrubbing with hydrogen peroxide in the crawlspace. It's brutal work and I come out sweaty and filthy. Yet I'm nearly done. I've done some test paint in a few areas, and think we're just weeks away from a primer to seal it all up.

There you have it - everything since last year. If you read all that, you'll probably like the book I'm working on - but I won't promo it on here without Mod approval. Maybe I'll do an AMA for that.

The Bats

Small Browns - never named any of them. I caught the one in the bedroom in May 23', then killed the one in the kitchen in July 23'. I caught 5 later and brought one to the health department. Then found another under a shop vac on the front porch.

Big Browns

Bella: she fell on my wife in December as we were tearing down drywall near the chimney. My wife through a box on top of her but she lived. Nadja & Laslo: I found behind the insulation while listening to polyrhythmic metal. Laszlo was on his back screaming because I think I stepped on his wing. He recovered just fine. Nandor (or Nancy): Hanging above the bedroom door. I walked in and out a few times before looking up and shitting my pants. Caught her before she could fly off. She was HUGE. Pinky & The Brain: found behind insulation in one of the gables. This time I saw the insulation was fluffy from claw marks and delicately extracted them while they slept. Bruce Wayne: I heard him before I saw him. He was on the floor unable to move, while I had a contractor there listening to Yuma Myotis - dealt with 3 of them, one got away, two I caught. One, the female, died in transit to the rescue. The other we painted his wing green and I was intending to release him but he couldn't fly. So he's in rehab. Because of his green wing I named him 'Alan Greenspan' - so I guess the dead female one can be Janet Yellen? That just seems morbid though.

Current Status of our Restoration Firstly - the good news - the bats did not come back in the hundreds. There was about ten that came and managed to get into the new RVO vents we put in, but two layers of hardware cloth kept them from getting into the house.

The bad news - there are still a few hanging around the house. Also, in the summer heat (and after some drinks at my neighbors), I left the attic window open and 3 bats got in. Also it seems like a few might be living in the lower porch roof somehow - but it's like 2 of them, not 200. Still trying to figure that out.

Overall - between my full-time job, dad duties, and our old house being 3 hours away from new one - its been SLOW. I've taken some time off of work, spent most weekends and a few long days up there. It's hard to put in more than five hours of work before being absolutely drenched in sweat and filth. On weekdays, 2-3 hours is the norm.

About our 2nd property - trailer on half acre - county assessor values at $320K and realtor says we'd be lucky to get over $400K despite a $500K est. on Zillow. Sell vs Rent break-even is about $425K which our realtor assured us would be difficult. She also told us that a developer sale wouldn't add any value for us and would just take longer to complete, and that they would toy with us and play head games.

So we're still dwelling on our decisions - but with a toddler in the mix, we have no ability to fix our old place up to sell. Like, even pooping is a group activity and showers require extensive coordination. Also we're NOT done with the restoration - we are VERY close.

Tearing down drywall took 3-4 months. Taking out every last nail, screw, and staple, then scrubbing, sanding, and spraying out the bat shit - that has been taken the last four months, and is still ongoing. I expect another six weeks to get that done and then apply a paint primer to seal it all up. Again - I could probably finish in 2 weeks if I could step away from all my responsibilities and had a 2nd person helping - but such is life.

Rebuilding - insulation, drywall, flooring, finishing - that all will have to wait. For cost reasons, bat control reasons, we need to wait. It might be as far away as next summer before we can refinish. We want to be 100% sure the bats can't get back in.

Also - because of the plumbing issues - both the master bathroom and the basement became unusable. I had to tear out the basement carpet and found standing water. The master bath and part of the bedroom was soak with bat-shit water from the exploded pipe. We have SOME support from our insurance on that - but still ascertaining how much.

So... with our new, 3800 square foot house. We have one functional bedroom, and temporarily lost 2 of the 4 bathrooms. The house is definitely a gigantic money pit... HOWEVER - we are close to resolving the bat shit problem, so we may be able to move back, which would MAYBE speed up the time to fix/remodel everything. Although having a toddler around basically takes ALL free time away (I love hanging out with my son - just it slows down the work). So there is a TON of uncertainty.

Ideally we move back in September, and figure things out from there.

TL;DR Also - IF THIS HAPPENS TO YOU - feel free to reach out. There seems to be no single fix for this type of situation. Excluding bats is common. Replacing insulation is common. Re-doing a roof is common. However, doing all those things at once, and full demo / sanitization - no single contractor will tend to cover everything. GC's will gouge you too.

​

Comments

​

Self_Serve_Realty

That is quite a fiasco

dunderball

I mean at some point it almost feels more worthwhile to just tear it all down and build again

LadyBug_0570

I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

​

Update - 2 years later

​

3 Year Update: my wife and I bought a bat infested lemon

Just thought I'd drop in and give an update in the same sub we posted on back when this first got started. It has been... A wild ride. We are still rebuilding and dealing with ungodly repair costs. However, we are weathering the economic tides and making a few big strides.

I don't know what to cover in a post like this. I'll just say, the scary thing never was the bats themselves, early on it was the medical fears. Then it became the incomprehensible costs, and the complete economic uncertainty my family has balanced this entire time. The emotional strain its put on our household is hard to quantify too. Juggling a complicated remodel while raising a young kid and dealing with career instability, it's not been a walk in the park.

October of '24 we finally moved back, after 18 months of brutal labor. We put renters in our old place, and immediately had a ton of property damage from a huge windstorm (the bomb cyclone), followed by appliance-replacement drama. Then, miraculously, a wealthy neighbor reached out to offer to buy our old place at above FMV because the lot was divisible.

In Jan '25 the bank demanded backpay on mortgage interest, and then I got laid off April of '25, but the sale of our old place closed 3 days after I was let go. It was a lifeline. Without it we'd have been in dire straights. Being laid off, instead of focusing on fixing the "bat house" - my time was spent moving, parenting (potty training), applying to hundreds of jobs, and burning out to go fishing.

We put part of the sale of our old place towards the principle, and recast the loan. The mortgage cost went from horrifying to just high. (Insurance costs have been horrifying too and we can't change provider until we finish repairs). I took a temp job nearby that kept me away from the house, and kept us floating, but didn't offer enough cashflow for us to start fixing thing. Nor did I have any time to do any work myself.

One anecdote - while freshly unemployed, the county tax inspector came by. A young man, mid-twenties, he reminded me I could deduct repair expenses if I sent them combined set of bills and invoices. He said his grandma loved this house. I offered to show him the house and the attic, where all the damage had taken place. When we got up there, his jaw dropped, and he asked if he could take pictures. Well, turns out he didn't care about the damage, he just didn't realize the square footage in the attic was so large. I got the subsequent increase to my tax bill a few weeks later, after job my 500th job rejection. Great feeling that was.

Fast forward - March this year - I found full time work, and after settling into the new job I could start thinking about fixing the house again. Unfortunately, it's not just the attic. The basement backflow/flooding issues, the sealed off closet where bat-poop saturated water from exploding pipes oozed down the walls 2 years ago... The water heater replacement. It all needed work.

Fortunately, I committed every weekend from mid-May until now - and got a ton done. The master closet has new insulation and drywall. The worst of the attic floors have new PCB board (and I'm sanding the rest tomorrow). I rented an excavator and trenched/replaced the drain line to my septic tank (which is on a hill), and reburied it. I'm doing half the work myself, but the contractors I do need to use (skills I don't have time to learn) are quoting at more than the full cost of a new car. (I have no idea how America's aging housing inventory will ever keep up with repair costs. It's a losing game.)

So wish me luck, as my Sisyphean task continues! BTW - the only bats I've handled are a dehydrated big-brown last summer (she fell in a bucket on a hot day) and a smaller bat that snuck down our chimney last October (stuck behind a glass screen- but I got her out safely). I still detect them and see them flying at night using my EchoMeter scanner, but our house is bat-free! (Our cats still catch the occasional mouse though.)

We've also helped dozens of people in our area and across the country deal with similar problems. There are safe and ethical ways to remediate situations like ours, and always follow local guidance on rabies exposure. Bats are great for our environment, but a risk inside your home. 🦇🏠.

​

Comments

​

____randomname

Rough times. Dude, fuck that tax inspector. Imagine that’s your job to begin with, and then you do shit like that, on top of things. Back around 1776, homie would be walking down the street, as a bird, after that sort of nonsense

cupcakerica

Any words of wisdom for FTHB on how to uh, not end up with this situation?

OOP: FTHB = Future home buyer?

Don't use inspector recommended by your agent Use Redfin agent with extreme caution or not at all Highlight EVERY recommendation on your inspection. You are on the hook. If buying from an estate - you won't get disclosure statement, and no one will tell you For bats - check all vents very closely, especially if house is near water

​

The “Article in the local news” mentioned by OOP can be found here: https://www.whidbeynewstimes.com/news/family-of-three-finds-1000-bats-in-their-new-home/

A link to the interview with “local NPR” here: https://www.kuow.org/stories/home-buyers-got-a-deal-and-pests-they-can-t-get-rid-of?fbclid=IwAR1tCOu1dJk5HXQi9YlmFO_EBHH4roZHzkW5FYHQqaCSWPJWhx3Of499sL0

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/aitabreadtboob

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 13, 2021

• Final Update: June 24, 2021

Main Post

^{June 13, 2021}

AITA For not putting my boob away when I answered the door?

I'm a single mom with an eighteen month old and a three week old, both on breast milk. Oldest is feeding up to five or six times a day, and baby is feeding every two to three hours, sometimes more often. Basically, my boobs are no longer my property, and wearing anything that makes it difficult to pull them out at a moment notice is not an option.

So, no bra and very loose tanktops are my life.

To the issue; my toddler has been sick and so I'm very tired. I was feeding the baby when there was a knock at my door. I'd been expecting my friend over, so I didnt think twice about opening in, boob out, looking a hot mess.

Sadly, it was not my friend, and instead my (ex) mother and sister in law. Sil gasped and made a whole deal of turning away, whereas her mom looked on displeased. Of course, toddler decides this is optimal time to start crying, which disrupts an already upset baby, who stops latching and thus my nipple is on show to the world.

I basically leave them in the doorway while I get my boys situated. I try ti avoid breastfeeding my toddler in front of them but he was not having it, so it was essentially just me walking them back out and locking the door so I could feed them both in peace.

For some reason they didnt leave, and when my friend showed up, they walked in with her. Friend has a spare key, dont know why I thought she was at the door in the first place.

I handed baby off because he was done, but realised toddler wouldn't be done for a while so I succumbed to my fate. Sil was still looking very uncomfortable, and I was expecting some form of judgement for still feeding my son, which I got. Can always count on the mil.

After she finished I hoped she'd just leave, but then she made a rather appalling comment of, "No wonder Ex left you, when you're whoring yourself around like that. Anyone could of been at the door, and you're off swinging your tits about."

I, at this point, broke down crying. My friend (who was upstairs putting the baby down) thankfully takes charge of the situation. Gets rid of them, convinces toddler into his bed, and then we watched movies and ate ice cream until baby woke up.

I sort of hoped that would be the end of it but I opened up my phone to an array of messages from my ex, my own parents and the other sister in law.

They're essentially slut shaming me for feeding my baby. Saying that anyone could of seen me. Maybe someones kid who doesnt need to see that, even going as far to say I could of distracted drivers and caused a crash.

I'm starting to really doubt myself, and so my friend guided me here. She's inisiting I'm not in the wrong and seems to think you guys will agree, and if you do I plan on showing the comments to my ex and his family.

So, am I an asshole for not putting my boob away before answering the door?

ETA; I really appreciate all the kind comments! Thank you all! I dont have time to reply to them all (still got a sick toddler and all that) but I'm trying to read them all at least!

COMMENTS

Beatlebot88

NTA and more importantly your MIL IS the AH. Feeding a baby isn't sexual and shame on anyone who says it is. Feed your babies, mama!

OOP

Constantly feeding these babies. I await the day I can finally wear a normal bra again! (Except not really because they're super uncomfortable lol)

nobodyherebutusmice

I had one, nursed, got pregnant, kept nursing, birthed next one, tandem nursed til #1 was 4-1/2 and self-weaned, nursed #2 until she was 4 1/2 and also self-weaned.

They are so so so close, I think because they got to be babies together — I didn’t have to make my first wean for my second. They met while nursing! They always held hands.

OOP I was really worried about my older son getting jealous, but he's pretty good with the baby. He's a good talker and if I'm ever feeding him and the baby starts crying he'll pop himself off and tell me that baby needs boobie too, and patiently wait for me to grab baby. Hes so sweet. They arent holding hands yet but toddler has been anxiously waiting for baby to get old enough so he can sleep in bed with us.

deathrider012

"Baby needs boobie too"

That is both the funniest and the most adorable thing I've read all day. You sound like a great mom.

Also NTA.

OOP

He is a boy of few but important words 😂

Currently trying to get him to start calling it milk instead of boobie (its very cute, but he'll just randomly yell boobie and I get many weird looks. Although he does cause several women to check themselves lol)

MinsaSmoog

Wait....ex-mother in law? Do you have a good relationship with the ex? Else I would be making some sort of insult that maybe if she hadn't been so afraid to breastfeed her own son, he would have been smart enough not to drive you away from the marriage.

OOP

Ex walked out nine months ago. Ive seen him maybe five times since? Yeah, not a great relationship. He insisted that I'd cheated on him when I found out I was pregnant despite the fact that I was constantly looking after our baby, home alone, during a pandemic.

sinyueliang

to me it sounds like he was the one cheating and is projecting on you

OOP

Wouldn't surprise me honestly. He got with his new girlfriend two months after we split up, literally a week after the divorce.

lihzee

NTA. You expected someone else at the door. Did your ex In-laws just show up unannounced? I wouldn't be letting them into my home again after that behavior.

OOP

They do quite often. I dont try and let them in, but I didnt really have the energy to fight.

ConfusedArtist89

Why? What do they want if you and your ex have split?

OOP

He doesnt want anything to do with the kids. They want to see the kids.

ginsengtea3

yes I'm sure you looked wanton and extremely sexy feeding two babies, one of whom is sick, after being pregnant for the last two years, in quarantine. wtf. NTA

OOP

Exactly! I was strutting the "my toddler has vomitied on me four times today, all I've eaten is a loaf of bread and I havent showered in a week" and if anyone thinks that is the picture of beauty, I will gladly marry them. I'm fairly sure I was wearing the shorts my water broke in as well.

Asitiaaa

Did your own parents insult you?

OOP

Yes, but I'm practically nc with them anyway.

HWGA_Exandria

NTA. I'm holding my 11 month old daughter while her mom's showering. Can't imagine doing this without a support system. They should've helped instead of being judgemental. Get that child support, OP.

OOP

Oh showers are the worst. I have an entire play area set up in the bathroom so my toddler doesnt kill himself while I clean.

I'll definitely take him to court when I'm less exhausted.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 11 days

^{June 24, 2021}

UPDATE: AITA For not putting my boob away when I answered the door?

So it's been a little bit of time since my previous post, and I'm just here to say a huge thanks for all the comments. A lot of you guys really helped me realise where I needed help.

Shortly after my post was made, I contacted my ex and essentially asked if he wanted to actually play a part with our kids or not. He said he didnt want to - we had a long, long conversation about our feelings. We're on good terms now, and he's starting a new job is August, so we'll deal with everything legally then for easiness sake.

I set up my ring doorbell camera (I did have one in storage, I'd just never gotten around to setting it up) and now I'm much more careful with who I answer the door to.

I also contacted my parents one final time to let them know that I'm no longer having contact with them, and let them have one photo of my boys, they took it very well considering it all. I did have to take the step to cut my siblings off as well, but as much as I love them, I need to prioritise myself and my babies.

I met up with my exs family to let them know that if they ever set foot in my house again I'd call the police, and told them they wont ever have contact with my children. As far as I and my ex are concerned, they dont have a father and thus have no paternal family.

They were upset but let it go. And I did breastfeed both my kids in the park just to spite them, which felt quite good.

In better news, the friend I mentioned in my previous post is moving in with us. Initially it was for financial reasons, but a little something something is sort of happening between us. And even if that fizzles out, I feel safer with a second person, my kids have financial stability, and a second parent, which I think all kids deserve.

After everything legal is settled we're planning to move out of state. We were both saving separately for a house and my ex wound up giving me most of the funds we'd saved. He is inheriting his fathers house, and doesnt want for me and the kids to constantly be at risk of eviction. With both sets of savings, in a year or so we should be able to move into a decently sized house. We're already planning on getting a dog. The plan is to be moved and settled by July '22 so the boys can have their first proper summer in a yard thats big enough to play in.

My kids will have a better life than I had, and this is just the start of how perfect its going to be.

So, thats it. Thank you all again.

COMMENTS

OOP on her marriage

That has been our plan since we were twenty. I just had to convince my husband to divorce me first. Its just now a relationship is involved, that may not even come to anything. I dont see it going much further than it already is, and she agrees. We may get married for legal reasons, but thats it.

And before I get any comments about cheating on my husband, we were an arranged marriage at sixteen and we were never in love. He was just too scared of the backlash if we were to divorce.

Why she cut off her parents

My family has done many, many awful things. Me cutting them off has nothing really to do with the shaming incident, they are a literal danger to my children. And as much as I love my siblings, they're still on our parents side more or less. They had my entire childhood to make amends, no takebacks now.

I'm sorry you went through all of that, but I can assure you that the things my parents would do to my children will be a hundred times worse trauma wise. Until my children are able to understand that risk and then take it themselves, I will be keeping them away from my family. I initially thought I could just let them see the kids supervised so I wouldnt have to lose contact with my siblings, but even that isnt safe.

As much as it pains me, I'll be happier having my children think I destroyed their relationships with my family than having them go through the tiniest amount of what I did.

OOP explains what the legal plans actually are

The child support, divorce and custody arrangement is what we're doing in August. All the legal shit at once.

I know they have a father. And I know they're going to want to meet him one day. Meeting is out of my hands, my ex has said he never wants to meet the baby, and wants to say goodbye to our toddler one last time. He might change his mind when they're teenagers, but if he doesnt want to, they arent going to meet him.

If they have questions, I'll answer. They will never meet their grandparents, ever. Until they are eighteen and can make their own decisions, I refuse. And I will have a serious conversation with them, once old enough, about how awful they really are.

Why her ex gave her their house savings

Honestly I was shocked about the savings as well, but he wants us out of state as much as we want to be out. He literally only gave us the money on the agreement that we'd move a minimum of one state over. I dont understand his reasoning but I accepted.

They didnt know about the savings. I've currently got them convinced that if they come near me again I'll have them arrested. I dont think that will stand, but its keeping them away. I have them all blocked on socials but I bet they're talking shit about me lol.

Clarifying the grandparents situation

I'm fully aware we'll have issues. We're still planning legal shit out. Let me have my fairytale dream lmao. Also, my son is on solids - but breast milk isnt limited like formula. They physically can not "overeat" so when he wants it, he gets it. Some days he'll cry for it every hour. Some days he'll only ask for it in the morning and before bed. Six or seven times tends to be the average.

Grandparents are pissed. My parents are over it - my older sister did the same thing with her kids, so I know they're happy to cut me out of the family. They'd rather cut contact than have me tarnish them or whatever the fuck.

My exs parents arent happy, but I made it clear I'd get the law involved if they didn't back off. I dont know if that stands up in court or anything but its keeping them away until we can get legalities sorted.

About the pregnancy, her sexuality, and the new relationship

Condom broke.

Sounds strange when you put it like that. But I've always been bisexual lol.

We're taking it very slow.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/scaredoftheirlove

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 07, 2019

• Final Update: June 16, 2019

Main Post

^{June 07, 2019}

AITA for following my [42M] wife [27F] around for an evening?

The title sounds extreme but here are the details. My wife and I have been together for 5 years. I love her so much that it pains me to write this. The thing is, I was the sole earner for a while and I was happy to provide (I am a software developer at a local startup that has tripled in employees and gone exponential in revenue). We're not having kids, so my wife got bored of being home and doing nothing. So she got a job at a law firm as a paralegal.

Enter this attorney, who I'll call Brandon. My wife started to bring him up quite a bit. You know when your wife starts talking about something, drops it, and then brings it up again a few minutes or hours later like there was no gap? My wife does that with stories about him. I searched through her Facebook friends list one day for "Brandon" and saw that they had connected. Okay... Then my wife starts going to work happy hours and I'm seeing pictures of the guy on her timeline. In most of the pictures she is positioned next to him, holding a drink. Okay...

I have gained considerable weight since joining the startup. There is free food provided to us nearly every day. My wife has maintained a really low weight and looks as beautiful as she did at 22. Brandon is more like how I used to be weight wise. However, I believe I make more money than he does.

So here it goes... I take off work on Friday, as my team is nearing the end of our project. I wait for my wife to leave the firm and I see her walking out with Brandon. They get in my wife's car, purchased on my dime, and I follow them for a bit. They go to a local dive bar and it turns out all of her coworkers are there - I see them entering. I wait for hours and everyone eventually leaves. My wife leaves last with Brandon and she takes him home. I don't see any physical contact as he exits the vehicle to go inside his apartment building.

At this point, I'm sick. I'm gutted. I wait at home for my wife and confront her about Brandon. She went insane basically, threatening to end the marriage because I stalked her. She told me she is always the DD for happy hour because she doesn't drink much (which is true), but she didn't address my greater concerns. AITA?

TL;DR Followed my wife one evening because of her weird relationship with an attorney at the firm she joined

COMMENTS

murderousbudgie

YTA. She's not allowed to hang out with coworkers? You observed nothing but normal friendly stuff and yet you confronted her? This marriage is doomed. Sorry my dude.

OOP (downvoted)

Even with him appearing in more and more of her photos? In the majority of her photos from hanging out with coworkers he is right there beside her. I am always hearing about him, about his new pets, about his family. I am sick of this. Genuinely.

WhootieCutie

I would think you'd have more to worry about if she suddenly stopped talking about him.

OOP (downvoted)

good thinking there...

OOP to deleted comment (downvoted)

Yes. I have replayed the night so many times in my mind. Uber exists. The drive from the bar isn't far - I felt nauseous that she drove him.

Folksma

She was the designated driver....that was her "job" for the night.

There is also legit nothing wrong with driving a coworker home.

OOP (downvoted)

She was the designated driver and yet she only took him home. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. Help me out here. I'm willing to accept my judgment

Pirlovienne

YTA. Even before you started following her, you were spying on her via Facebook, so let’s not pretend it was just this one evening.

OOP (downvoted)

Everyone uses Facebook to keep track of those they love. Hell, even corporations and recruiters check your Facebook out. Are we all stalkers?

sofimbc13

YTA. And I'm really hoping this is fake. There's no way you're actually 42 years old, mate. People that age are supposed to be a little bit more clever in life. If this is real then yikes. Poor woman.

OOP (downvoted)

You don't understand the feeling. You got to know someone, spent so much time with them, and suddenly feel and see it all coming apart. An interloper. Your wife's face lights up talking about another man..

Folksma

That's called friendship

I also smile and look happy when talking about my friends.

Don't mean I'm sleeping with them

OOP (downvoted)

I haven't seen her like this in a while.

Golden-StateOfMind

YTA I think I read a book like this once. Next your gunna hit her and she’ll make a grand escape and then you’ll date someone who’s 22 and repeat the cycle as if she was cheating the whole time. OMG Op You should watch ‘YOU’.

OOP (downvoted)

I love my wife. I can't imagine life with another woman

wodaji (downvoted)

YTA BUT, send flowers to her office saying you're sorry. Show up to the office and take her out to lunch. Invest in time with her. Also helps to meet Brandon to get rid of your Boogeyman.

Fuck the people focusing on your age differences. She's an adult who started dating, and married, a guy old enough to be her father for her own reasons.

Get counseling for yourself and your marriage.

OOP (downvoted)

hey...thank you! I like the flowers idea.

bigpapirick

INFO - At any point, did you trying talking to your wife about your insecurities? If you two are in love and it isn't a controlling situation the way Reddit immediately jumps to when there is an age gap, I'd expect that the two of you would talk about it. Did you share your concerns? Did she offer any understanding and support?

OOP

hey I just got home from work. long day. I did not share my concerns until I confronted her.

Effing_Normans (downvoted)

That's what you get for marrying a bimbo 15 years younger than you.

OOP

My wife is intelligent, kind, and witty as hell.

CONSENSUS: Asshole

Final Update - after 9 days

^{June 16, 2019}

UPDATE AITA for following my [42M] wife [27F] around for an evening?

If you don't want to read it, here's the summary...I believed my wife to be having an affair with a coworker who had repeatedly appeared in her pictures and conversations. So, one happy hour, I followed her. Even though I had seen nothing definitive, I confronted her about the issue, and she threatened to end things with me.

Believe it or not, I listened to your advice. I received extensive advice from both sides. Publicly, everyone agreed I was at fault. In my direct messages, many fervently believed me to be in the right. Regardless, I sat down and talked to my wife about my insecurities concerning her coworker, Brandon. I told her I did not feel as attractive as Brandon and worried that as I was getting older, her interest in me was waning. I also asked her if she felt financially stable in the relationship. I apologized for following her and told her I would never do it again.

She told me several things. First, that she was offended I did not trust her. Second, that she did suspect Brandon had feelings for her based on some of his interactions and comments. Third, that she sometimes felt isolated by my work and never felt motivated one way or the other by my income. The thing about programming is it is hard to explain my work to someone who does not program.

She also told me my physical appearance and aging had no impact on her feelings towards me. She reaffirmed that she loved me and would never throw away our marriage for a divorced coworker.

So, what of our future? I asked her if she still wanted to be with me or if she could not see a future with me after I had followed her. She joked that she would forgive me after drinking a few cocktails at a tropical resort. She told me that in addition to the stalking, the cocktails would also help her forget about all of my past rants about various programming languages (Java, specifically). I haven't told her yet, but I plan to surprise her with an all inclusive package to the Maldives, or some other island young women enjoy that I never heard of until researching...

TL;DR - My wife and I are back on track. Thank you, genuinely.

Thank you to the kind user who helped me figure out how to create this update post.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA_resent2000 posting in r/relationship_advice

Likely Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 12th July 2026

Update - 18th July 2026

My GF (24F) resents me (23M) due to the fact we split expenses 50/50, but she has alot more expenses than I do and my family pays for unexpected expenses and vacations. How do you work through resentment?

My GF and I went to college together and started dating three years ago. My GF graduated two years ago, could not find a job for her degree, and decided to stay around in the city where our college is and continue to wait tables. I graduated last year. We moved in together starting last September. We make roughly the same amount of money and split shared expenses (rent, utilities, groceries) 50/50.

My girlfriend has a number of expenses I do not have (car payment, car insurance, health insurance, cell phone, $80,000 in student loans, etc.). I do not have those expenses. My parents paid completely for my college and those other expenses are paid by my parents. Also, I have a credit card on my parents' account to use in case of "emergencies."

My GF's birthday was in May and I threw her a surprise birthday party and a number of our friends came into town for it. Apparently, during the party, she expressed her frustration to some of our mutual friends about our relationship. Afterwards, I received some messages from some of these friends saying I needed to "talk" to my GF. They did not go into details about what she said.

I asked her about it and at that time, she admitted she had frustrations but it was on her to deal with them. I told her I would like to discuss, so we did. She said she is constantly worried about money and I am not. She said it is hard not to notice the contrasts between our lives despite being basically at the same point in life and having the same income.

She feels like she did the responsible thing and got a STEM degree (her degree is in biology), but got no offers from it. While I went and got a degree (English) that was simply the easiest to get (that is why I chose that degree program), but I have a job I love (I work for myself as a private music teacher) and she hates her job. I asked her if there was anything I could do to make it better, she told me "No," but that she is just frustrated is all. I tried to inquire more, but she resisted going into more details.

I have an older brother (25M) who I am very close to. He recently got engaged and our set of mutual friends, and my brother, decided they wanted to do a trip to Hawaii to celebrate. I told him I probably could not go because of the cost, but for them to have fun. He told my parents who then told me to put the trip on the credit card. We are leaving in a week. This pissed off my GF and in a heated moment, she said, "This is why I resent you." She has tried to walk that back, but it felt like that comment is an expression of her true feelings. How do you work through resentment?

I love my girlfriend very much but do not know how or what to do from this point. And we have to decide in the coming weeks if we are renewing on the lease for another year.

Comments

Kerostasis

So she’s emotionally frustrated at the situation, but also intellectually recognizes that you aren’t actually doing anything to cause that situation. That sounds like a pretty reasonable take. I’d be frustrated too.

You have relatively few options to fix this, but it’s not zero. You said she has a car payment + insurance and you don’t; do you share her car, or borrow one from your parents, or just use public transport? If you are regularly sharing her car, it would be reasonable to share that cost as well.

Do the two of you have any reasonable prospects for career advancement? I know you can’t always answer that question in a few minutes, but take some time to consider it. The salaries you are making are good enough to get by as a couple of broke new-grads, but not enough to raise a family. How do you get from here to there? If you have a roadmap for this, even if it takes several years to pull off, that may give her a better sense of stability.

leggyblond1

He has his own car that his parents bought when he was 16. It's still in his parents names and they have it covered on their insurance. And he said he takes public transit a lot, and suggested his gf drive it instead of that she but a used car. She went and bought a new car with $678/month payments 2 years ago for a graduation present. She totally disregarded his suggestions, and put herself in more debt.

z-eldapin

Yeah, you guys are adulting very differently. You have a cushion to fall on and she has to manage every dime. There is a huge disparity between someone who doesn't have to worry about money and someone who has no choice BUT to worry about money. No one is wrong, you all just aren't financially compatible at this juncture.

Iron-Fist

I mean this isn't a real thing. It's that the much much richer BF is expecting his much much poorer GF to shoulder 50/50. Just scale to income it's easy to do.

michiness

Financial compatibility is absolutely a thing. If one member only wants to go travel and party and spend all their money, and one party refuses to spend an unnecessary dollar that could go to retirement, they're financially incompatible.

SommerSalad

So she’s broke all the time and you have plenty of money because your parents pay major bills for you. Yeah I can see how that would make someone resentful

Update - 6 days later

As mentioned in my comments, my GF graduated from our college two years ago and I graduated last year. Right after she graduated, she purchased a brand new car. The car payment is exactly $678/month. During her first year post-graduation, my GF lived with a couple of roommates. One of the roommates moved out about 3 1/2 months into the lease. While finishing my last year of school, I helped pay that roommate's portion of the bills. At the encouragement of one of the commenters, I went through and ran the numbers on expenses for my GF and I. All of them. What it made me realize is that had my GF not purchased that car, that I would have never had to provide financial support during my last year of college. Also, in our present situation, if she did not have that car payment, she would have more money than me at the end of the month.

I am leaving tomorrow for my trip with my brother. A couple of days ago, I sat down with my GF and told her that I wanted to discuss finances. I told her that I think, in terms of her struggling financially, the most logical thing is for her to get rid of her car. As I did when we moved in together last year, I offered her the option of us sharing my car. I use public transportation often and can go days without needing to use my car. Also, since I have my own business, I have greater control over my schedule and we can figure out a schedule. She refused that plan. We have had a number of fights about the car and she thinks I am being an asshole. Buying that car for herself, on her own, was a great accomplishment for her. I told her it just is not affordable for where we are. I told her that unless she is willing to offer some compromise. I think we need to breakup.

She told me that I screwed both her and I by not marrying her after I graduated. She told me that after my older sister and my BIL got married immediately after college, while they were both going through grad school, my parents paid for all their living expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, etc.) and she thinks that same thing would have happened if we were married (or at least engaged). But, now, with the breakup, she is just screwed. She cannot afford her own place and most of our friends are in relationships, just or about to get married, etc., and she will have nowhere to go. And she still loves me despite her frustration with me. I told her I think we are just incompatible financially and need to end things. She cried and I left to a friends and been staying there since until my trip.

This morning she called and said she would be willing to sell/get rid of the car. She really has no choice but to do it anyway. I told her I still think we need to end things.

Comments

MckittenMan

Buying a brand new car the moment you graduate is one of the most financially crippling things you could do to yourself. Unless your starting salary is 100K, its going to kill your financial development. Its a dumb decision to make.

The car payment is $678/month... Throw insurance and gas on top of that. Probably pushing close to 900 a month on your car alone. Its going to cripple your finances for the next 7 years (however long the loan is). That's pretty much all the disposable money you earn dumped into a long term expense you don't need right now.

Not to mention car loans constantly take advantage of young adults like that, probably got a horrible deal on the loan too.

To all you young adults reading this, just starting out in life and got your first taste of adult money. Save the new car for down the road, buy a new car when you're flowing in the cash, don't make your entire cash flow go towards a car. Just drive a beater for a while, it will drastically change your outcome.

She's mad because you want bills to be split 50/50... Claiming her luxury, unaffordable purchase should mean you carry more of the weight since you don't have the same expenses.

True, you don't have the same expenses because you never made bone headed decisions that put you behind the 8 ball like she did.

And the audacity... This girl keeps getting better. She has the nerve to say you screwed her over because you didn't marry her the moment out of college... Because wait for it... Your sibling married a woman and your parents financially helped that woman. Something she was banking on.

What a cherry on top. She was banking on your parents giving her handouts and you screwed her over because she no longer has the chance to use your mom and dad to her advantage.

Thank the lord you dumped this person.

Vegetable-Cod-2340

I was sympathetic to her plight until the car, that was bad decision to make when she hadn’t gotten a full time job. Also I’m not at all okay with the way she wanted marriage just so your parents would cover her bills. Frankly , op I would start to wonder if she ever loved me , or stayed because she saw the potential for money from your family to cover her lifestyle.

Grim_9966

I mean, if she doesn't want to split expenses then she needs to take a trip back in time to the 80's when you could survive on one wage. Her choice to purchase a car, despite already having one you could both use , was also not a smart decision. Whether it's an "accomplishment" or not, it's clearly costing more than it's worth.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Adventurous-Mango954 posting in r/Marriage

Concluded as per OOP (OOP has deleted their account)

1 update - Medium

Original - 16th July 2026

Update - 17th July 2026

Would I be a terrible person for divorcing my wife because she changed her mind about having kids?

My wife (30F) and I (30M) have been together for 10 years. We have been married for 6 years. She truly is my best friend and I really love her. So much that my heart hurts even thinking about the topic of divorce. Cause losing her would be awful, but I really have no clue what to do. I don't want to cry right now but even thinking about the situation makes my heart hurt.

When our relationship started getting serious we obviously had the important conversations about marriage and if we want to have kids or not. We both agreed that we want 2 kids. We said we would wait until we have travelled the world a bit and then we would start a family. So we agreed that we would probably wait until we were thirty before even thinking about starting a family. By the way, she is the one who initiated this conversation, she was the one who told me that she wanted to have 2 kids at some point and I agreed. So it's not like I led the conversation and she felt like she had to agree with me.

Our life together has been great, our life has been so amazing that I'm in shock that I'm even considering divorce. Of course no marriage is perfect but I would say we were very happy together. We've travelled, laughed, gone on so many adventures. I truly feel like I have made the most out of my 20s. Which is great. But obviously this year my wife and I turned 30, so last week we had a conversation and I brought up the topic of us having kids again. Then again, the past 10 years we have been on the same page about this topic.

To my surprise, when we spoke, my wife mentioned that she actually doesn't want to have children anymore. She has loved being child-free and she has realised she never wants to give up this freedom. And I understand that. But wow...that shocked me. I physically felt ill when she told me, not because there is anything wrong with being child free, but I felt ill because I realised me and her had completely different life goals. That was difficult to hear. I told her I respect her decisions and I will never ever force her to have kids. But I needed a moment to just think about if I'm okay by child free for the rest of my life. So we paused the conversation, and the past week has been awkward.

Over this past week I've realised that I truly want to be a father. I know that if I don't have kids I will regret that decision for the rest of my life. And I don't want to live with regrets. Being a father is important to me. Me and her have different life goals...and that's okay, but it's made me realise that in order to achieve my life goals I probably will have to divorce my wife.

Which feels awful to say. She's my best friend. And the love of my life. Leaving her will break me emotionally. But I don't see any other solution, cause clearly me and her don't see eye to eye on a very important topic. Neither of us should be left to live our life with regret. Now I just feel like a terrible person, leaving her feels so wrong. I said my vows and clearly I can't stick to my vows if I won't be able to stick by her side no matter what.

I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore.

Would I be a terrible person if I divorced her because of this?

Comments

MrRedmondBarry

Of course not. Get a divorce. Neither of you are wrong. She's not selfish for changing her mind about kids, and you are not selfish if you divorce her. You two are simply no longer compatible. So it goes. Best of luck finding someone new who wants what you want.

0215rw

This. Disagreeing on children is a perfectly valid reason for divorce.

NorthernPossibility

Anecdotally, I know 2 couples who divorced over this and they’re still really cool with each other. The childfree halves went on to stay childfree and the ones who wanted kids went on to have kids. There was minimal drama and they are still decently friendly with each other, if now busy with their own lives.

chicolegume

This is really hard and I’m sorry you’re going through it. But I think it’s a valid reason for divorce. Like you said, she’s not “wrong” for wanting to remain childfree, but if having kids is important to you, you shouldn’t have to give that up for anyone. It’s a fundamental incompatibility.

If it’s any consolation, you guys started dating very young (20) and committed to a life together very young (24). A LOT of changing happens to a person between the ages of 20 and 30. You wouldn’t be the bad guy for realizing that while you may still love her, you have simply ended up on different paths.

OOP: My heart is just breaking. I love her so much and I never wanted this to be how our story ended

Yankeedoodle10128

I changed my mind, when my husband and I married a decade ago we both said 2 kids, we then decided to wait because we wanted to live in Europe, we’ve done that and about 6 years into marriage I started to waver, we have an amazing life and I didn’t want to ruin my marriage or mental health with children, it took my husband about a year longer to come to the same conclusion, we are now 40 and have a beautiful life with a multi country lifestyle and the closest marriage. Sometimes kids doesn’t need to be the end all be all but if it does for you, yes divorce her but you may never find this type of love again.

OOP: I'm so glad things worked out for you guys. Unfortunately, being a father is one of the most important goals in my life, so I highly doubt I will change my mind

beyoncelomein

Out of curiosity, if she still wanted to have the 2 kids but you found she wasn’t physically able to, would you have divorced her?

OOP: That's a very different situation. And no I wouldn't divorce her.

Highest_Koality

Out of curiosity, do you say that because you assume you'd have kids some other way (adoption, surrogacy, etc), or because it wasn't by her choice?

OOP: Because it wasn't by her choice.

Update - 1 day later

Obviously the post I made yesterday got a lot of responses. I haven't been able to read through a lot of them yet. But thank you to everyone who had some great suggestions. Also to the people who kept telling me that I really need to think before deciding to have kids...well duh, this isn't a last minute decision. I've thought about the reality of becoming a parent ever since I got married. I am not giving up on my dreams, cause I will regret that.

Yes I know parenthood isn't guaranteed but I will never forgive myself for not even attempting to be a father. And for everyone asking, no I wouldn't leave my wife if she was infertile (She's not) because that's a sad situation where the choice was not in our control. That's very different from straight up just not wanting to have children.

I thought I might aswell update people. I spoke to my wife last night and I told her how I feel, that starting a family was really important to me. Obviously I made sure she knew I would never force her to have kids, but that I do think me and my wife need to have a serious conversations about the future of our marriage. I'm not going to explain the whole discussion, we did speak about divorce. However she told me that she isn't opposed to having kids, she just likes the freedom of travelling and being free. But she did ask me to give her a year, me and her will spend this full year absolutely living life to the fullest and going on all these adventures, basically cramming in 5 years worth of adventures into one year. And then once the year is over she can reassess if she feels ready. If not, she said she will let me go and she won't keep holding me back from my goals any longer. But she said that she needs a year to really think about this, to see if she does want to be a mother.

Obviously I did tell her that I really do not want her changing her mind because of me. Yes she's my wife and she loves me, but I do not want her to change her mind because she's scared to lose me. My wife said that she's not closed minded to the idea, yeah she currently is 100% sure she is happy being child-free, but giving herself a year to get all the travelling out of her system and also spending a year thinking about the idea might change her mind. But she did say that she will never force herself either, if by the end of the year she still doesn't want kids then she will tell me.

But for now, me and her have a year of travelling and adventures. I'm happy with this idea, please remember this is her idea and I don't want to force her to change her mind. However, waiting a year is so worth it if there is even a slight chance I don't have to divorce the love of my life.

(Edit) I am not going to reply to the people telling me my wife is manipulating me. Nobody in the comments knows my wife. I am sharing an update because some people had great advice. But nobody knows my wife's personality nor do they know my relationship dynamic. I am 30, I can wait an extra year, this year of waiting is so worth it if my wife even has a slight chance of changing her mind. The conversation we had last night was genuine and I trust her, she trusts me.

Comments

NoContest9016

She gave herself one year too, to change your mind.

paranoidartist304

I agree but also we have to acknowledge that we don't know her and should give her the benefit of doubt. Op should make sure that's not what she's doing but also not assume that's the idea. But stand firm on the year thing and plan in case you end up divorcing.

4kids2jobs0sleep

I didn't see the original post, but it sounds like this is a reasonable compromise. I would be fully prepared for your wife to NOT change her mind, but enjoy the year and hope for the best. She likely will still not want to have a baby. A year of travel would be amazing, but it will not make you want a baby at the end - it will leave you planning for more adventures. (Maybe that's just me...)

OOP: I'm aware she might not change her mind. But even if there is only a 0.01% chance she changes her mind, I'm willing to wait the whole year cause I love her too much and I would hate myself forever if I never gave this next a year a chance

4kids2jobs0sleep

Agreed. Well random internet stranger, I wish you the best results! Truly! Being a parent is a TON of work, but so rewarding if you have the love and patience it takes. I hope your year is wonderful and you both find happiness at the end of it ✨️.

ci_newman

I read your original post and she already asked for 10 years from you before considering children. This 1 year is a stalling tactic, she's hoping you change your mind . FYI, the longer you leave it to have the kids the much harder it will be for you as a parent, and there is a much higher risk to your future wife/partner and baby too.

OOP: Me and her mutually agreed to wait 10 years. That was a choice we made together. She knows full well I will not change my mind

ci_newman

and now she's convinced you to mutally agree for another year. Rip off the band aid dude, she's not changing her mind.

AlexVT8

Well done sitting down and having the discussion. Did you agree to the year or did you ask for a different time? My wife and I agreed we wanted kids before marriage but I was never ready. I loved the freedom and still felt like I was figuring out life. Finally I agreed—but I simultaneously felt ready and like I'd never be ready. When our first born came, wow I never felt such love before, something so small and needing us and such a huge responsibility. Raising kids has been so hard, the hardest thing I've ever done, so many tears, and it's time consuming and exhausting and expensive. BUT it's also so rewarding, so much joy, worth the struggle. We used to travel a lot before kids—and we still do. We bring them along on adventures with us. I hope you two can find a path that you both agree on.

OOP: I agreed to the year. If she suggested any longer I would have said no. I'm 30, I have time to start a family, so I'm not worried about spending another year with someone who might not change her mind. But that small chance she might change her mind is worth the wait to me. If nothing changes...atleast I got another year of adventures with my best friend

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Old-Maybe-4926

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 10, 2026

• Final Update: July 14, 2026

Main Post

^{July 10, 2026}

AITAH for telling my boyfriend of 6 months that I feel like his mom instead of his girlfriend?

I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for 6 months. When we first met, I honestly thought I had found someone really special. He was attentive, affectionate, and made me feel wanted. I knew he had some struggles going on in his life, and I wanted to be supportive because that’s what you do when you care about someone. But now I’m starting to wonder if I confused being supportive with becoming responsible for him.

Over the last few months, I’ve noticed that I’m carrying almost all of the mental load in our relationship. I’m the one reminding him about appointments, helping him remember important things, reminding him about deadlines, helping him plan things, and walking him through problems that he should be handling himself. If something goes wrong because he forgot, somehow it turns into me “not helping enough” because I didn’t remind him. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was until I noticed that I was constantly thinking about his responsibilities while trying to manage my own.

The part that hurts the most is that I don’t feel like he does the same for me. When I’m overwhelmed, I don’t feel like he notices unless I specifically tell him. If I’m having a bad day, I usually end up comforting myself and then still making sure he’s okay. I’ve had moments where I’ve broken down and just wanted to feel taken care of, but instead I felt like I had to explain exactly how to support me. I don’t expect him to read my mind or solve my problems, but I want to feel like I have a partner who naturally wants to show up for me too.

The breaking point happened last week when he missed an important appointment because he forgot about it. He called me extremely upset and immediately said, “You knew about this. Why didn’t you remind me?” I told him I understood he was frustrated, but I wasn’t going to take responsibility for something that was his responsibility. I said, “I love you, but I’m your girlfriend, not your mom. I can support you, but I can’t manage your entire life for you.”

That sentence apparently set him off. He completely exploded. He told me I was selfish, that I was making him feel like a burden, and that he couldn’t believe I would “throw everything he’s struggling with back in his face.” He said, “Wow, so the second I’m not perfect, you decide I’m too much work?” I tried explaining that wasn’t what I was saying, but he wouldn’t let me finish.

He told me, “I thought you were the one person who was actually going to stand by me. I guess I was wrong.” Then he said maybe he had “misjudged my character” because he thought I was more caring than this.

That honestly crushed me because I feel like I have been caring. I have shown up for him over and over again. I’ve listened to him vent, rearranged my own plans to help him, supported him when he’s stressed, and tried to make his life easier because I love him. But I’m starting to feel like the more I give, the more he expects, and the less he feels the need to give back.

I told him I don’t want a relationship where I have to constantly remind another adult to take care of himself. I want someone who chooses to be my teammate, not someone who gets upset when I stop carrying things for them.

Now he says I made him feel unloved and like I don’t accept him for who he is. Some of his friends think I was completely out of line because “that’s what you do for the person you love.” My friends think it’s a huge red flag that after only 6 months I already feel drained and that he got angry when I tried to set a boundary.

I’m honestly conflicted because I do love him. I don’t want him to feel abandoned or like he can’t rely on me. But I also don’t think loving someone means slowly losing yourself trying to keep their life together.

So, AITAH for telling my boyfriend I’m not going to be responsible for fixing his life?

COMMENTS

Brixabrak

Girl, this internet stranger is proud of you for calling it out. He just showed you who he truly is. Do with that information what you will now.

OOP

Aww thank you! He’s slowly been showing me who he truly is and it all came out yesterday. I’m just struggling with what to do from here but I know I’ll make the right decision for myself. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned not to take any bs from anyone.

lilyofthevalley2659

But you are taking bs from him so you haven’t really learned that. You need to have some self respect and higher standards

OOP

This is just another learning experience for me. I’ve had the rose colored glasses on since him and I started dating. They’re finally coming off.

Substantial_Maybe371

Have you though? You said you're still in love with him and did not dump him after he threw his little tantrum.

OOP

I do still love him. It’s hard to let love go sometimes. His blow up happened two days ago and I am planning to end things with him after everyone has helped put this into perspective for me.

anonymice27

The real question is when are you going to dump him and is it ASAP?

OOP

It will be soon. With all the advice I’ve received I’ve realized I can’t put up with anymore of his bs

BotherBoring (downvoted)

If you wanted to make one more attempt to get him to get it, you could show him this:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

However, even if he wants to change, that doesn't equate to him having the skills. Learning those skills takes time, and persistence, and you need him to have them now. This may not be the right time for you two.

OOP

After only 6 months of dating I don’t want to put in the effort to try to change him. I’m scared it won’t work or make things worse. I think my best decision is to leave him. But thank you so much for the advice!

Sheila_Monarch

WHAT. THE. FUUUUUCK??

The GALL of this guy! You’ve been in his life 6 months. How the fuck is any of this your responsibility? Was someone else managing his life until he passed the baton to you without your knowledge? He’s acting like you interviewed for a job and he hired you. That’s not what this is.

OOP

I have no idea how he managed his life before me and I honestly don’t care enough to know

Different_Total5894

What could you possibly love about him? His attentiveness? Get a dog. He’s affectionate? Get a dog. He made you feel wanted? Get. A. Dog.

You are his girlfriend. Not his mother. Not his helpmate. Nothing but his girlfriend. He should be showing you how responsible he is in order for you to feel safe, valued and respected. He’s doing the complete opposite.

Again, I ask, what do you love about him? Your post doesn’t describe how he treats you other than being his concierge.

OOP

I actually do have a dog 😂 but I understand the point you’re making. I think my post came across like I was only describing what he does for me, when really I was trying to explain the specific issue I was struggling with.
The reality is, I’ve realized this dynamic isn’t something I want in a relationship. I don’t want to be someone’s reminder system, manager, or the person responsible for keeping their life together. I can support a partner, but I can’t carry responsibilities that belong to them.
I do care about him, but caring about someone doesn’t mean staying in a situation that isn’t healthy for me. After thinking about it, I am choosing to end the relationship because I don’t want to continue feeling like I’m in a caretaker role instead of an equal partnership. I appreciate the perspective because it helped me look at the situation more clearly.

WeAreTheMisfits

He can do it. This is manipulation to make you do because he doesn’t want to. He won’t know how to do laundry or change the bedsheets or change a diaper if you get married and have kids.

He is not confused. He knows what he is doing. Now he is using anger and guilt to get you to continue

Dating is to see if you are compatible you found out fairly quickly that you weren’t compatible but he was so lovely when you started so. Now you are working to get that back. This is another tactic of manipulation. Be perfect at the beginning and the other partner will always clamor to get that perfect relationship back.

So now you know at 6 months that you definitely are not compatible but will you leave. This is the hard part because you still want this perfect beginning relationship back. But it will never come back ) or perhaps it will for a few days to get you to think it’s back) but what you are seeing here is the real relationship the forever relationship.

OOP

I think this comment really helped me put things into perspective. I spent a lot of time trying to separate “he’s a good person who I care about” from “is this relationship dynamic actually healthy for me?” and I’m realizing those are two different things.
I don’t want to assume every mistake or struggle is intentional manipulation, but I also can’t ignore how the situation has made me feel. I shouldn’t have to repeatedly ask, remind, or take on the responsibility of managing another adult’s life, especially when it’s starting to impact how I see my partner.
The hardest part has been accepting that the person I loved at the beginning and the relationship I hoped we were building may not be the reality of what this has become. I kept holding onto the good moments and hoping things would go back to how they were, but I’m realizing I have to look at the relationship as it is now, not just the potential of what it could be.
After reflecting on everything, I have decided to end the relationship. It’s painful because I do care about him, but I also know I need a partnership where both people are equally responsible for themselves and their lives.

Final Update - after 4 days

^{July 14, 2026}

UPDATE: I showed him the Reddit post and I finally saw the relationship for what it really was.

I honestly didn’t think I would be writing this update. When I made my original post, I was sitting there questioning myself. I was wondering if I was being selfish, if I was expecting too much, if I was a bad girlfriend for feeling exhausted by constantly being the person who kept everything together. A part of me wanted Reddit to tell me I was wrong because admitting the truth meant I had to accept something I didn’t want to accept. I wasn’t just frustrated. I was unhappy.

After reading through the comments, I decided to show my boyfriend the post. I want to be clear that I didn’t do this to embarrass him or have thousands of people attack him. I showed him because I was desperate for him to understand that this wasn’t coming from a place of anger. I loved him. I wanted us to work. I wanted him to understand that I wasn’t saying, “You’re a terrible person.” I was saying, “I’m drowning, and I need you to notice.”

Instead, the second he saw the comments, everything changed. He immediately became angry. He said I was humiliating him, that I was painting him as the bad guy, and that I had betrayed him by letting strangers know about our relationship. He kept saying things like, “So this is what you really think of me?” and “You’ve just been secretly resenting me this whole time?” I tried explaining that I wasn’t hiding some horrible opinion of him. I was trying to explain a feeling I had been too scared to say out loud because I knew he would react this way.

He didn’t ask me why I felt this way. He didn’t ask what he could do differently. He didn’t say, I’m sorry you’ve been feeling alone. He focused on how hurt he was that I said it. And that was the moment something in me broke.

Because I realized that even when I was the one hurting, I was still expected to take care of his emotions. I was crying. I was telling him how overwhelmed I felt. I was telling him I felt like I was losing myself. And somehow, I ended up apologizing. I ended up comforting him. I ended up reassuring him that he wasn’t a bad person. Again.

After the argument, I sat there thinking, When did my feelings become something I had to apologize for? That was when I knew I couldn’t keep doing this. I broke up with him.

And I need people to understand that this was not an easy decision. I didn’t leave because he forgot an appointment. I didn’t leave because he needed help. I didn’t leave because he was struggling. I left because I realized I had slowly become a caretaker in a relationship where I was supposed to be a partner.

The part that has been the hardest to admit is what I learned afterward about how his life was managed before me. I had always assumed he was just going through a difficult time. I thought he was overwhelmed because life had gotten hard and he needed someone in his corner. But after talking more with people close to him, I realized this was not a new situation.

His mom had been doing a lot of these things for him for years. She was the person who reminded him about appointments, helped him stay organized, reminded him about responsibilities, and stepped in when things went wrong. She handled things that most adults eventually learn to manage themselves. And honestly, I think that’s why this dynamic felt so natural to him.

I don’t think he was intentionally trying to make me his mom. I think he was used to someone else filling that role. When I came into his life, I unknowingly stepped into the space she had occupied for years. I became the person who reminded him, planned for him, worried about things for him, and helped prevent consequences.

The scary part is that I didn’t even realize it was happening until I was already exhausted. I remember thinking, If I stop reminding him, will everything fall apart? And that is not a normal feeling to have six months into a relationship.

A lot of people asked in the comments why I stayed if I felt this way so early on. The answer is because I genuinely loved him. He wasn’t some horrible person all the time. He was sweet. He was affectionate. He made me feel loved in so many ways. That’s what made leaving so painful.

I wasn’t leaving because there was no love. I was leaving because love alone wasn’t enough. I needed a partner. Not someone I had to parent. The hardest part is that I still care about him. I still hope he grows. I still hope he learns how to take ownership of his life and becomes the person I know he can be. But I also realized something important, someone can be a good person and still not be ready to be a good partner. I spent months proving that I would stand by him no matter what. But I never stopped to ask if he was willing to stand beside me.

The weird thing is, as heartbreaking as this has been, I also feel a sense of relief that I didn’t expect. For the first time in months, I don’t feel like I’m constantly waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I don’t feel like I have to keep track of someone else’s responsibilities while trying to manage my own life. I don’t feel like I’m carrying the weight of two people anymore.

I have so much more clarity now. Looking back, I can see all the little moments where I was slowly taking on more and more responsibility, convincing myself that it was just what love looked like. I thought being a supportive girlfriend meant always stepping in, always fixing, always reminding, always understanding. But I learned that there is a difference between supporting someone and carrying them.

And even though breaking up with him hurt more than I can explain, there is a part of me that feels lighter. Like I can finally breathe again. I can miss him and still know I made the right choice. I can love him and still choose myself.

So for everyone who commented that I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore, I was his life manager, you were right. I wasn’t asking for perfection. I wasn’t asking him to never struggle. I was asking him to carry his own weight.

I finally accepted that I cannot love someone into becoming responsible. I can only decide what kind of relationship I’m willing to stay in.

COMMENTS

kuli-y

Good for you. Just wondering, how did he react?

OOP

To the breakup? When I said I can’t do this anymore and that I want to breakup he immediately flipped a switch and started crying and coming to me for comfort. Begging me not to end things. He kept saying things like “I can change and make things better.” But I told him it was too late.

Pepper_b

Any chance you were dating my brother? Lol. but for real, congratulations!

(My mom is very much an enabler of my older brother and I had to repeatedly tell her I would not be doing what she does after she dies, she finally told me "he'll be homeless if you don't" and I honestly can't see how that's my problem)

OOP

I don’t think so because my ex is an only child lol

Nectoux

Good for you for tossing aside that toxic man child. Now you need to work on yourself. You need some therapy to find out how you ended up in that situation. You need therapy to find out how to put yourself first. And you need it to help you to recognize red flags. Good luck to you! I’m proud of you!!

OOP

I have been considering therapy for a while now. I think it’s time for me to commit to that. I know it would benefit so much and I would become an even better version of myself.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/a_fred42

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 27, 2025

• Update: October 31, 2025

• Final Update: July 15, 2026

Main Post

^{July 27, 2025}

WIBTAH if I decline my friend's wedding invitation after how their fiancé started acting with me

I hope I'm following all the write guidelines because I'd love some advice.

name swaps for privacy

Hi THT fam! Long time listener, first time writing in! OKAY! So like the title suggests, my(32M) friend Jessie(34F) is getting married next year over the summer to her fiancé, James(38M). Jessie and I met back in 2018 at a previous job and became friends rather quickly. We remained coworkers until the covid pandemic in 2020 where we both found other jobs and kept our friendship going. Fast forward to last year(2024) we started working together again at a construction company, which is where she met her fiancé, James.

My friend and I work in the company office while James is in the field but will occasionally peep in to the office where we work to chat with Jessie, her and I share the office. Slowly but surely James started to chat with me, realizing we have a very similar dark humor and hit it off. The three of us got close, James would chat with us in the office multiple days a week. We would all go out to eat, they met my boyfriend(forgot to mention I'm gay, oops lol) at one of these dinners. They even would ask my opinion on wedding details.

Anyways; all that to say I thought I had made another friend in my friend's fiancé.

Independence Day weekend was approaching and Jessie/James were going to Texas(We are in SoCal) for vacation. While talking about the vacation.. James says to Jessie "You're taking your work phone, right?" and before Jessie could answer, I responded "No LOL she's on vacation why would she do that?" It got awkwardly quiet in the office... I look up from my work to see the two of them whispering to each other and Jessie says "Yea, I'll check it once a day."

For context when Jessie and I met at our previous employer, we could NOT for ANY REASON ignore work calls, didn't matter if we are done for the day, having a day off or even on PTO vacation days we would get "Hey I know you're on vacation but.." type of calls. So now having a job where we DON'T need to answer calls once we are off his question made me defensively answer. Jessie and I will jokingly "scold" each other for using our work phones on our lunches or after hours and James knows this, so his question was odd to me.

To rebuttal Jessie saying she'll check it once a day I jokingly scolded her saying "friend you're on a vacation, relax! why would you-" before I could finish, James in a very stern and serious tone goes "She's taking her phone and working if she's needed". I recoiled in shocked and went back to my work essentially ending the conversation and they continued to talk amongst themselves.

The weekend came and went, I got over it and I thought the same of the two of them. Monday after the weekend rolls around and Jessie is telling me about her weekend and how she "surprinsgly didn't get any work calls" I told her "well yea it was America's birthday who cares about work on that day" in a very joking tone. We laughed and all was good or so I thought. I started to notice when James would come in the office he would come in and act like my office chair was empty... I would ask him questions and I would be met with silence.

When I would look at Jessie to see what the deal is, she would fill the silence with the same question I asked but he would respond. I first summed it up to him having bad work days until I finally asked my friend what the deal was and she said "oh, I think friend he just didn't like how sassy you got with me about taking my phone on vacation" SASSY????? I needed a deeper explanation and I got "well you're the first gay person James got to meet that wasn't stereotypical and I think you being sassy made him see a side of you he wasn't ready for" but then followed up with "friend I'm sorry I'm putting my foot in my mouth with this explanation."

I was flabbergasted!!!!! My humor is very dark and my wit is quick I will admit that, however when James and I chat I have said WORSE things with MORE 'sass' and he had reciprocated so I don't think that Jessie's response was genuine. All that to say it almost been a month, James has not changed his attitude towards me at all other than just saying my name when he walks in and is now making me feel unwelcome in my own office as Jessie's demeanor shifts with me while he is there.

I don't wanna claim homophobia cause I don't think that's what's happening, but I honestly don't know at this point cause asking him if he's okay is still met with silence. I feel it's putting a strain on my friendship with Jessie as she wants to resolve whatever this issue is and James just will not budge and come out with the real reason to his upset. It's making me not want to RSVP to the wedding when invites go out... hell I have even been considering to tell Jessie to not even include myself or boyfriend to their list to begin with. Sorry for this lengthly post, thank you in advance if you respond! So... Would I Be The Asshole?

COMMENTS

Nani65

You don't go to a wedding where the groom thinks you are so far beneath him that he doesn't have to even speak to you. And whatever the fuck does "sassy" mean? What is he, 14?

And shame on your "friend" for just going along with his shit. She's not much of a friend.

OOP

When she first told me I asked "sassy as in too gay?" and she said no " sassy as in too much attitude"

I feel the same, I am starting to view her slightly different. I understand she's going to be married to him but when something isn't right she would speak up about it till resolution was found, this time she isn't

Tight-Shift5706

She's going to the dark side. Don't anticipate an invitation. At that point, your "friend" will have formally changed her status to "acquaintance"; at least until her divorce from the AH/s.

If you are invited, but nothing has changed, I'd respectfully decline and send a wedding gift that is of a more personal nature to her.

OOP

To my knowledge I am still invited, apparently I even get my +1 too.
But after reading many comments I feel like I am a friend that might be getting phased out like a Starbucks seasonal menu lol

I might just get her something because I do have love for her

wpnsc

This is my take. If it isn't homophobia. My guess would be that he felt you overstepped telling her not to take her work phone when he was telling her to take it. It seems strange that he would act this way, though. He is acting like a child by not just talking man to man. Don't be surprised if you don't get an invite to the wedding. It's your choice what to do if you get one.

OOP

OOOH! Like I was kinda of telling his woman what to do huh? Didn't see it that way so thank you for that! Would you go if you got an invite?

CalyxTeren

It does sound like he’s trying to isolate her and control her. Once they’re married, he may baby trap her as well. I’ve heard that with low-value men like this, more controlling chacteristics come out the more they feel they’ve locked in their victim.

The odd sense may be because you’re collateral damage in this story. It’s about what he’s doing to her. You’re the voice of reason and reality, and he needs that out of her life.

OOP

Plot twist, he got a vasectomy(I think that's the male one) so JESSIE is the one pushing for him to reverse it. I do think control takes a play.. but starting a family doesn't. James up until this point has shown me he is hard working and honest. which is why I'm so confused

impressionistfan

Why would James want Jessie to take her work phone on vacation? That sounds very suspicious. Is there a way to check the activity on her work phone? I’m betting there’s either some non work activity James doesn’t want connected to him, or maybe they’re doing work off the books, or maybe they are thinking of leaving the company and working on securing clients before they do?

I think something shady is going on.

OOP

As much as I wanna agree with you, James is just a workaholic. Which is funnier when you think about it.. how are you going to be helpful when you're on VACATION IN TEXAS lol

impressionistfan

I don’t understand-what sense does it make that Jessie take her work phone if James is the workaholic?

OOP

My POV is that he's a hard worker and wants his future wife to be the same for the image. that's my opinion on it
So her not taking it makes him look some type of way

Fun-Yellow-6576

Maybe James shouldn’t be coming into your workplace multiple times a week? I’d talk to the boss and say how’s he a distraction and rude.

OOP

This wouldn't work because our office manager and him have a good standing work history with each other :(

Remarkable_Buyer4625

This is a hunch….but I think that James may need to have a lot of control in his relationship….which is worrisome for your friend. This incident with the phone is the first time he saw you as a potential threat to having that control. I’d keep as eye out for your friend. He’s likely to start trying to isolate her at some point after their marriage.

OOP

You're setting off alarms for me cause she's talked about how James makes enough money for her to be a stay-at-home mom. Up until this point she was a very work oriented person.

lopingwolf

This was my first thought too OP. He's trying to change her and she is so far going along with it.

Personally, I'd back off a bit and not try to engage him in the office. But find ways to still be there for her and let her know you'll always be on her side. As for the wedding, I'm enough of a people pleaser to probably still go (to support her), but wouldn't try to make waves. If he is trying to isolate her, not showing up or having a big fight about it just gives him more power in the situation.

OOP

We chat all day at work when he is not there. I know in my heart that she knows I love her and vice versa, I wanna give it maybe some timeframe on where I would need resolution to happen in order to feel comfortable in my office again and to go to the wedding. that's what it would take for me to go I think

Sea-Opposite8919

How is that? You said he had a vasectomy and doesn’t want children?

How can he want h

OOP

He wants children now with my friend Jessie. They have actively gone to appointments to reverse his vasectomy

No_Jaguar67

Is it a two person office? I’d let Jessie know she needed to meet up with boo elsewhere as her relationship was causing a hostile environment.

Updateme

OOP

It is a bigger office building with a kitchen/breakroom, conference room, lobby. Many places to mingle. We share a decently size office in the building

ChloeBee95

I’m sorry to say it but this seems to me like he’s a controlling asshole and she’s stuck in the middle.

If any man cut someone off and said that I was doing something I didn’t want to do, as a conversation ender and basically some sort of pissing contest, I’d tell him to shut the fuck up. I can speak for myself. I’m not mute. Even if James is her boss (which I doubt as HR would’ve had a field day with him dating a brand new hire in the first place and wouldn’t allow him to continue to be her line manager) that’s not an acceptable way to speak to her. The fact that he does so in a public setting means he’s used to getting his own way and having the last word.

I’d be asking your friend if she’s okay, and voicing your concerns, but be prepared to walk away from both of them and possibly find a new job if they stay together.

OOP

Luckily he is a field worker to this company so our work never really crosses with his. This instance was the first time I had seen James not be a cool and lax person. I always see him being loving towards my friend so I don't want to jump to any conclusion and upset her by thinking she's being abused. I have no evidence really

Next-Drummer-9280

It's making me not want to RSVP to the wedding when invites go out

You're not getting an invitation. James is an asshole for not using his big boy words and actually explaining what's wrong and Jessie is all about appeasing the beast.

Get used to the fact that you're now just coworkers. And stop giving James the power to make you feel uncomfortable in your own office.

OOP

True, we might just be coworkers now and I am not realizing

Mini update in comments - after 4 days

^{August 01, 2025}

Thank you everyone for giving me advice, different hot AND cold takes and ultimately helping me clear my head to better understand where my emotions lie and I've decided I don't like James. We were really F**king cool and for someone to give the cold shoulder the way he has turned me off to the idea of keeping up the idea that we are friends so I have no plan of putting effort into trying anymore.

We're atthe end of the week since I had made the original post. James still only says hi by saying my name and like most have you suggested, I have ignored him. It seems the only person to notice is my friend jessie. She's asked me a few times "hey James said bye to you" and I respond "oh, sorry I'm locked in, I have music playing loud" and she kind of left it at that. I also don't think it has been affecting James at all which is okay.

In my mind, I told myself I would give it a certain timeframe(till Jessie's birthday which is not that far away) and I plan to gauge how I'm involved with her birthday with how important I am to her. That may be petty but it makes sense in my brain. How to report good news in my next update. Thanks guys

Update - after 3 months, 4 days

^{October 31, 2025}

WIBTAH if I decline my friend's wedding invitation after hoe their fiancé started acting with me? **UPDATE**

Hello THT Fam!

My first update to my first post lol I really hope I am doing this correctly. To those who asked me to update them I hope I did that correctly too!

Anyways- as a refresher my friend Jessie is getting married to a man named James(OG Post is linked) and they both started to act very differently with me.

In my original post, Independence Day just passed and we were just starting to go into the summer when we(Jessie/Myself) thought everything was fine until James would keep coming in to our office and ignore me. For a few weeks(ending of July to mid august) Jessie really seemed to want to advocate for me and try to get James to tell us.. or at least her why he was was so upset with me but that never happened.

Then, one day Jessie stopped brining it up and when I would ask, she would say "I told you already friend, you were just sassy to him". Okay great, got the hint... time to drop it... and from that day forward, James would come in and just greet me by saying "hi" plainly and that was all. Suspicious? I think so. Anyways, August came and went. September rolled around and so did Jessie's birthday. We celebrated at work with the office and over the weekend, James had a party for her... one I was not invited to but saw on social media.

When we came back to work I didn't say anything to her about the party. I pretended I didn't know/care, and to be honest.. I really don't care . I go back and remember what many people have said about him trying to control her and trying to get her to only really care about his opinion and I can see it slowly happening under the guise of "becoming the wife he deserves" gross

End of September comes and she is venting something to me about how James is very cold towards people and how she is not like that, her support system needs to be a village and his is just her and that's fine for him. I saw this as an opportunity to say "Since you brought it up, James doesn't have to say hi to me when he comes in, I know he only does it for you". I got a stare from her and she goes "James says hi to you to be courteous" and I replied "I don't need the courtesy when it wasn't that way not long ago"

Probably shouldn't have said that but oh well. I felt that way. I pretended to play dumb and I asked "what is he even upset with me for I already forgot" and again, she goes "you were just really sassy and he didn't like that. I am use to it and I know you are not being mean you are just expressive" I said OK and dropped the convo

And EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I would I ask, the word "sassy" was brought up.. So for those who were here from my OG post, in my opinion, James is a homophobe afterall! I go back and think of the comment she made to me before about not being a "stereotypical sassy gay man" and to me, sassy means too much/flamboyant in his brain... so her constantly saying I'm too sassy is just code for too gay.. Sure I can talk sports and politics but that's cause I am interested in those things.. not because I am more masculine or more of a man than my fellow, more fem presenting gay community.

Tomorrow is Halloween and after all this time, I still love my friend for who SHE is... because I see glimpses of her when we chat an can feel our laughs synchronize. However, I will not be going to her wedding but have no intentions of telling her till the invites go out(iffy about this but most likely the choice)

To me is makes sense to wait to keep the peace in the office in the meantime. Please ask me questions. I feel like I am missing parts of info even though I have proofread this a few times! Thanks again for reading! I hope to hear feedback on how you all would handle this

COMMENTS

HungryForce1735

Damn OP, the whole "sassy" thing being code for "too gay" really jumped out at me too. Like she keeps using that exact word every time you ask - that's not a coincidence

You're probably right to wait until invites go out to decline, keeps work drama to a minimum. But honestly it sounds like this friendship might already be over and you're just watching it die in slow motion. The fact that she didn't invite you to her birthday party but you had to see it on social media? That's brutal

James got what he wanted - he's successfully isolating her from people who actually care about her

OOP

It just stuck out to me too because growing up adjectives like "sassy", "colorful", "out there" all were said towards me so it was easy to spot out

She swears up and down that everything is fine but I don't believe her anymore

GardeniaInMyHair

She is telling herself everything is fine, and it’s not. She knows she is dating an insecure homophobe. What a ridiculous man he is.

Some women would rather marry an awful man rather than admit they’ve made a ooor choice, but I will say this: if this is how he is in public, how he is in private is much worse.

If she says “sassy” again, I would say: “you know it’s just us here. You don’t have to make excuses for his rudeness.” And see if she is more candid with you.

If you are invited, to the wedding, you can say, “I don’t feel comfortable attending an event where my presence is unwanted.” And leave it at that. Let the chips fall where they may. She may feel like he is the only guy left on earth but unless she is also a homophobe secretly, she is complicit and excusing his behavior towards you.

OOP

I don't want to overshare but after this situation happened, I started to think Jessie views James as a golden ticket to an easy life

Ok-CANACHK

bold of you to assume he's going to let her invite you...

OOP

People say this often and yes it is slightly arrogant for me to still believe she will go up to bat for me. I will allow a sliver of me to hold that arrogance

Both-Enthusiasm708

My gut reaction is that you should wait until the invites go out to decline. Part of my brain thinks her conversation about how he is upset about her support system is maybe her recognizing something is wrong, but not being able to articulate it or deal with him. It could be an opening for you to say I don't feel comfortable going to your wedding because of how he acts and how you let him act toward me and if he acts like this to your other friends and family that's how he will take away your support system. You really don't have to try though, a simple decline works.

Also she probably knows that, even if he hasn't said it explicitly, he is homophobic and that's why he doesn't like you. Fact of the matter is though she supports his homophobic ways if she supports him, so walking away and only talking to her at work about work, might be best for you.

Although, now that I typed all that out, her conversation with you could also have been her softening the ground for the excuse she will give you when you aren't invited. Either way stepping back might be a good idea.

OOP

I agree 100% with her supporting his homophobia... If you truly didn't have an issue; my unexpected code switch to "sassy" wouldn't shock you or make you change your mindset about me completely.

if she does tell me outright that I am not invited I will gladly just say okay and tell her that I love her but I don't support the person she is choosing to spend the rest of her life with.

Que_Raoke

I'm so over alleged allies and the way they protect the homophobic assholes in their lives. She's no friend to you.

OOP

I feel this way towards her more and more with each passing day. I know I will decline the invite if I get one, I know it will end out friendship. So I prepare for it now

Emrldiiz

The wedding invitation is the least of your issues. You might want to consider speaking to your HR rep about James’ homophobic behavior. Perhaps HR can provide you with either a new office mate or an office of your own, so neither James nor Jessie has any reason to be in your space. You need to get ahead of this with HR as soon as you can.

OOP

I actually was venting about this to my manager today; she told me if I don't want him in the office she can make that a reality... so I am debating

overnumerousness9

You’re wasting your time with these people. They don’t care about you and you won’t be getting an invite anyway. Find a new friend that won’t turn on you the second some douchebag is actually willing to marry her.

OOP

The more I come back to this post and she people's responses, I am starting to agree that I do indeed need new friends

Final Update - after 11 months, 18 days (after 8 months, 15 days from last post)

^{July 15, 2026}

WIBTAH if I decline my friend's wedding invitation after how their fiancé started acting with me? **FINAL UPDATE**

Good Evening Two Hot Takes Family!

It has been a year since first posting here asking about this, 9months since my last update(I checked lol) Just to refresh your memory, I linked the posts below:
OG Post

Now that we are caught u\ Let's get into it!

So me and Jessie.... drum roll are not friends! Go figure.

Their wedding was in June of this year(2026) but the story has to go back to around March/April. The office between Jessie and I stayed tense some days; really depending on how James acted when he came in to see her. Every now and then, Jessie would ask me about the wedding and I would give small input; things that would make "the guest experience better". She would occasionally ask if my boyfriend and I would still be going to the wedding.. and every single time I would decline.

It doesn't feel right for me to be there supporting a man who would not, and openly admitted to not supporting me; that would be met with something along the lines of "okay but do it for me" in multiple iterations of the phrase. I flipped it on her, okay if/when I get married, will you attend my GAY wedding? and her answer... was no. Because "James wouldn't go and I wouldn't want to go alone."

BOOM I thought that was enough to get her to understand but Bridezilla brain does not compute lol she just couldn't get over the fact that me, her friend, could not "put his beliefs aside" for her. BELIEFS??? Babe, I am GAY lol this isn't a belief, this is my life. This is who I love, this is how it will stay. These types of conversations happened periodically leading all the way up to the end of April when I left the company and found a better job(it had nothing to do with this fiasco, the money was just better and it is a 7 minute drive from my place).

When I told her I was leaving she asked if it has to do with James and her wedding.. vapid question but okay; no it just works out in my favor to choose this opportunity. She then followed up with "this means you can come to my wedding.. riiight??"

GIRL WHAT? No, I am NOT going to your wedding, please remove me from your list. lol

May comes and I'm at my new job and I'm trying to see Jessie for a lunch or something but she always has to reschedule and I started to feel like she as pulling away and instead of trying to extend an olive branch, I just let it happen.

June comes, and its the weekend of the wedding, posts start coming in on the socials and I see all the stories, like all the posts.. genuinely happy for her but I never sent a congratulations text or anything. I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE AND THAT IS ON ME; BUT I DIDN'T. Monday rolls around and my heart feels bad so I decided to text Jessie and ask to set up a lunch so I can congratulate her on her wedding and we can catch up; I even thought about buying some flowers... I go back and check.. my iMessage doesn't go through and that text bubble is green. okay, this is interesting, let me look in the socials... I have been blocked lol Her family members who I followed, blocked.. she made sure that happened lol so that's how I found out I "lost" a friend. After re-reading my posts and what people were commenting, it all makes sense that she never really cared about me, I was more of a token for her until I wasn't useful/needed anymore.

Anyway, my new job is great! I have way more time to spend with my dog and my projects being so close to my home. And in other news, I plan on proposing to my boyfriend soon! so I will have my own wedding to worry about... hopefully my future fiancé isn't homophobic 😂

Thanks for reading everyone! Have a great week!

COMMENTS

clearheaded01

Sorry, but what did you expect??

She was marrying someone homophobe, excused it, clearly doesn't respect you if she categorised your sexual orientation as "belief"...

And.here you are, still.trying to.be friends.with her???

altontanglefoot

Exactly! And on OP's part, he (justifiably) didn't go to the wedding and didn't even bother to congratulate her on the day. He basically put the final nail in the coffin of their friendship, if it wasn't dead already. I don't know why he bothered to reach out after, or why he's surprised or offended to learn that he was blocked.

somewhereoffline92

Ngl the blocking shouldn't have been shocking. After skipping the wedding and months of tension, that bridge was already burned from both ends. Tbh, both sides had already checked out. Reaching out after the wedding felt like trying to revive something that had already died.

OOP

You're right, the relationship was done but a small part of me did have hope. Anyways; I'm not shocked that she blocked me at all, just brought up that's how I discovered it. I know it's normal to ghost people these days but that's not my style; and to my prior knowledge it wasn't hers either. that's okay we change! Thanks for reading :)

OOP

Not mentioned in any of my posts but we actually had a strong bond up until she got engaged. My feeble attempt and extending an olive branch shouldn't have happened but I attempted anyways. No harm, no foul. Thanks for reading! :)

Crafty_Special_7052

Better off without her. She wasn’t truly a good friend. I mean she married a homophobe, I think deep down she’s also one too.

OOP

She was decent until she got engaged. She started a "new era" according to her lol

RedneckDebutante

I'm straight and still wouldn't attend a homophobe's wedding. I can't imagine why they thought you and your boyfriend would.

OOP

I think it was mainly her wanting me there and James reluctantly agreeing

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