I am seventeen.
I really need someone to read all of this and help me so I will be brief in telling this really long story. Please read, please.

Mum is complicated. Has extreme mood swings, one day bursts in absolute anger, screams, almost kicks me out, the other day she's crying, guilty, saying she's sorry, the other she's telling me she loves me in a very childlike manner. Yes, this has been going on since my childhood.

We live in a very messy, noisy, and unclean apartment with a bunch of broken stuff. She has a habit of neglecting the hygiene of things. I live only with her. This is hell. It's hell.

She has gone through my room while I slept, stole stuff, stole my psychiatric meds and took them herself, stole the prescription to use it for herself, accused me of teenage prostitution more than once with no objective evidence or trigger for such a thought.

I ran away recently, was declared missing by local police. They found me hours later, very far from home. When I came back she said, ”if you had died I'd have k1lled myself.”

Yesterday I was extremely sick and she started asking why I was being rude to her. The truth was, I was barely feeling well enough to be coherent. She took my illness as a rejection. I puked twice. Dad came to take me somewhere, I almost went to the hospital, when we came back she had packed her things.

She said she was leaving because I was mistreating her, because I didn't love her, because I didn't want to be her friend, because I was treating her as a maid. She told me I ran away to punish her. My dad snapped for the first time in my life and told her she's making it all about herself and trying to blame me for everything including her leave.

When he left after a long discussion, she came to me, crying so much. ”Please...please...list to me what is it that you don't like about me..please..I'm begging you...why do you hate me?!”. I refused to list anything and told her I needed time alone. Today she woke me up smiling, bringing me breakfast in bed for the first time, saying she loves me, asking me to promise not to leave and saying she'll make the apartment better. Extremely confusing.

Fellas...I can't take this anymore.
At all. I don't know if my father has financial conditions to live with me. And I know at seventeen I should be better, but I am prohibited by my parents from working, am barely keeping up with school, have several learning disorders. This all is just, shit, shit. Fuck.

My mom frequently describes the most upsetting time of her life as the 2 years where she lived with my dad’s family due to having nowhere else to stay. The stereotype of the in-laws hating the new wife is common for a reason but I can not stress enough that by my mom’s own admission, her in-law’s adored her, my grandad always made sure she was well/not lonely/safe, my grandma told her that she would have traded all her sons for a daughter like her (which she later recounted to my dad lol), my extended family all helped with me/my siblings so she was never facing it alone.

But she describes it as the most traumatic time of her life.

Some necessary context here is that while my mother was working class in her family, not rich, my dad grew up in abject poverty which the family has clawed their way out from. At the time she lived with them, it was a rough patch.

She described how humiliating it was to not have money. To not be able to get new clothes for formal events and have to pretend she was being frugal. To not be able to afford to get her clothes stitched. One particular thing I remember is when she needed money for a government form, and she wanted to ask my grandad, but someone else needed a favour/money before her so she assumed she just wasn’t able to get her form until her sister stepped in, and how upsetting that whole thing was. She said she hated having to share everything, how she had to save every penny, how she had to rely on other people for money.

And the thing is, that *is* traumatic, but it’s also just poverty. She blames my dad for this when they argue, and holds it against her in-laws for being such an upsetting time.

My dad went to university and lived off a government bursary for poor students. My mother’s tuition and living expenses were paid off by her father. I honestly think she genuinely believes that these conditions were deliberately set on her, instead of just being poor. For wider context, I’m not sure if she was aware of this, but at the time my in-laws were scared the house was being repossessed by the bank.

I honestly don’t think she understands that they were just really, really poor. I feel bad for my dad when she brings this up against him, as if he was somehow responsible.

I feel really “inside myself” right now which is rare because I’m chronically dissociated. (Derealization and depersonalization)

This is a very bizarre feeling and I don’t know what’s going on but I feel so inside myself right now. I can feel the inside of my mouth and the chill of my teeth. I can feel the way knees meet my mattress and that blanket heavy against the backs of my thighs. I am an “I” (think Sylvia Plath’s “I am, I am, I am” line, I believe she called it the old brag of \[her\] heart.

However I can also hear what it calls itself echoing inside my head. The word for the thing that controls me. It’s epithet. Not even something interesting. Simply “the entity” and yet like Ellison’s AM, it is masculine and it is malicious.

Speaking of “cogito ergo sum” on both counts I suppose. The fact that I connected “I am” to both portions of these thoughts so far is a sign from the entity itself that it exists. Literally used a synchronicity to speak the words “I am” to me as in “I exist.” When earlier tonight I prayed to what I thought was God even though I’m not religious and now this just happened and it’s also 9 pm as I type this and 9 is 3 3 3, which is the exact number the entity uses to announce itself or assert its existence. In other words “I AM” yet AGAIN.

I am scared. It is showing me proof of these things. This post was supposed to be about my self and now it has become about a higher self and one that is being tortured by a creator who controls me and wants to make me do things.

Hi guys!

I would like to provide a little bit of context, I'm a 25 years old failure of a man, I'm 5'0, I have a micro-penis, I have autism, I have BPD, I have OCD, deformities on my face and body, amongst other lovely characteristics.

Now, as you can imagine life has not been kind for someone with my characteristics, on 2020 I promised myself that I would work hard to become someone worthy of love, regrettably, as time went on my conditions would get worse and worse, I'll never be loved and that breaks my heart.

And I can't stress enough, but I DON'T HATE WOMEN, I DON'T HATE ANYONE, I ONLY HATE MYSELF!!

The first thing I did in life was to fuck things up, I was born incorrectly and it's been downhill since that moment, all because I decided to born 2 months earlier, in the 7th month, I kick myself everyday, maybe if I had waited just two stupid more months, I would've been born a normal person.

I asked for help on a subreddit that it's for helping incels get better, but I think I misunderstood the purpose of that subreddit and I was only met with sarcasm and judgement.

I don't want a girlfriend, I don't want love, I don't want sex, I just want the pain to stop, I want to stop being jealous of healthy people, I'm tired guys, I really am, I'm sure I'll meet nasty people on the comments too but I sincerely ask, where can I get help on how to grieve the hands I was dealt so I can stop crying over this?

I'm 22F, and recently graduated (well 3 months ago). I want to open up about my relationship with my mom who's a single parent. Lately, since graduating, she had became more and more distant from me. Her reasoning? "Well you're an adult now, you don't need me anymore!" and started to do things without me anymore. What's worse is that her corporate job makes her twice as busy. So 90% of the time, she's both emotionally and physically absent from me. I still with her due to financial reasons (cheaper to live with family in this economy). A normal person would respond to that like "Oh good go for it I don't mind." but for a person with a weird brain chemistry like me? That immediately translated to "Daughter? What daughter? I don't have one."

For 22 years, she and I have been very close. We had a lot of downs especially before she got therapy. She was often in a bad mood due to work that I've gotten therapy myself to cope with it. After she gotten therapy recently, that's where the shift began. Her therapist advise her to have time for herself, now that I graduated. It was her break from supporting me. I understand that, really. But I don't like how she took that advice way too literally and started to just disappear from me. When I opened up to her about how it's hard for me to accept her new lifestyle away from me, she told me "Grow up. You're not a baby amymore. Don't you want me to live my own life too?" And all I asked was for her to still try and spend time with me even after I graduated. Just because there's no school to pay anymore doesn't mean you have to start ignoring your own child.

Until now, she still financially supports me. She herself told me she'll buy anything I ask her. Thing is, I don't want OBJECTS, I want her time too.

What's worse is that she would ask my partner "Hey is she okay or something?" and not ask ME herself. She doesn't directly speak to me anymore. When I try to say "Hey mom let's hang out here in this new place", she gives me the "Sorry, I've got other plans."

This sudden shift really made me feel like an imposter has replaced my mom. She doesn't feel like a mom anymore. She just feels like a person related to me.

I've opened up to others and my partner about it, all they ever said was along the lines of "Well what if you take this time to do things you want?" Thing is, I want my own mom back more than anything. Not whatever this stranger in the house is.

Ridicule me, sure go ahead. Call me a baby for wanting my mom at the old age of 22.

TLDR: My mom took the advice of "Go do stuff you wanna do now that you don't have to financially support your daughter" way too literally and started to distance herself from me. No more hang outs, no more time spent together at just a snap. It's like the subscription of having a mom had expired.

19F. Sigh. This is a new low. But i got into a fight with a little boy who had already taken a billion yogurt samples and I was like “yo you’ve already had so many samples i’m not giving you anymore unless you’re buying something” and he basically just kept trying to sneak back in for like the rest of my shift. And i was like “hey don’t come back in here if you’re not gonna buy something” and he was like “who you feeling like” and started licking his stolen sample in like a “what are you gonna do way” and his older brother and sister were just there laughing and like idk. it’s whatever. but still why am i crying over that. it’s insane. i’m just venting but i’m honestly shocked i’m so bothered by this…

I guess I just don’t have thick skin at all (in other words i’m a pussy) but still i didn’t think i was this sensitive.

I was coming back from bus stop. And I've noticed a young boy, like 15 years old, picking flowers from the grass and tying them together.

I don't know why I wrote here. But I think it's nice, it made me smile.

So I hope it made you smile as well.

Good luck, boy

I used to be such a creative kid. I loved drawing, making sculptures, and creating stories. I used to read all the time. My favorite subject in school was French, and I started taking Spanish too because I thought it was cool. I got really into calligraphy for a while, and was really curious about graphic design. I wanted to get a ham radio license and learn Morse Code.

But now it's a battle to do anything. I studied philosophy in college--I'm not gonna pretend I am or was ever super smart, but I enjoyed it and got a lot out of my classes. I even pondered going back for a Master's. But now, even the "pop philosophy" my professors dismissed in-class feels impossible to pay attention to now.

I hate going to the library lately because I see so many books that seem interesting that, realistically, I'll never actually read. All I ever read now is fiction that reads like TV shows. I have to put my phone in the other room just to watch *actual* TV shows.

I try to stem the bleeding a little bit. I read long articles, I check out books I think might be too "boring" for me, and I do enjoy the Netflix-y books. I try to listen to informative podcasts or youtube videos when I'm cooking or cleaning, but I sometimes find myself having to rewind or just them off completely because I'm so lost in my own thoughts that I'm not paying attention in the first place.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think I'm totally a lost cause. I do still read, even if the books aren't as ~sophisticated~ as I'd like them to be. I garden, I play basketball, I see friends and family, I cook, I like to take pictures of stuff. And to be honest, I don't know if I ever *would* be much more--sometimes my "thinking brain" moves way faster than my "doing brain"--but it's kind of hard to see myself not even be able to muster up the will to try.

too make things short when i was 13 i was groomed by my own brother in law, i told my parents and they just told me that he was playing a prank and i believed them, until he started touching me. i told them once more but they didn’t do anything about it because he was my “Sister’s Boyfriend” and didn’t want any family issues..

im 25 now and lately i just found out that one on my childhood friend who’s a lot younger than me, experienced the same thing, but her family made a move and imprisoned the guy that harassed her which is her adoptive father.

i found out by my father and i told him that i’m happy that my friend’s family protected her, because when i was experiencing the same thing no one protected me,and we got into an emotional argument, which i just said i wasn’t mad but just disappointed because they’re still friends with the guy that molested me.

and up until now i still think everything’s my fault and still hate myself for it.

Depression has been acting up. Not entirely sure if it is depression though, could be PTSD. Either way I want to live. I reached out to my physician because I want to live. I got an appointment and I can do this.

I was very embarrassed to make a call for the appointment but reminded myself that general unwellness is enough to the receptionist, I can go into detail with my doctor. I have known her for a very long time and I trust her judgment. I will explain the help I need and I strive to get it.

From nothing comes nothing, so I am doing something. I am doing this for myself

there was a crazy flash flood today in new york but i was out on a hunt for dumplings and weed so i went out in the POURING rain. i got to the train station, absolutely soaked so bad that my socks were squelching when i walked.

i was standing there for like 7 minutes near this girl and eventually she came up to me and gave me a spare shirt she had! like holy shit you’re so kind. and the shirt was so comfortable too like you gave this great thing to me?! she refused to let me pay her too. she just restored a little of my faith in humanity. thank you random girl!

I don’t have a single one tbh and direct

Lately I've been thinking about how different I used to be.

I used to read books for hours, get excited about learning random things, and spend time on hobbies without feeling the need to check my phone every few minutes.

Now I catch myself reaching for my phone whenever there's even a few seconds of silence. Sometimes I'll open an app without even knowing why.

The strange part is that I still want to read more, learn new things, and be creative—I just struggle to start because my brain seems to crave quick stimulation.

I'm trying small changes like leaving my phone in another room and limiting mindless scrolling.

I know I'm probably not the only one who feels this way, so I'd really like to hear what helped you.

Has anyone managed to get that curiosity and attention span back?

If you managed to get it back, what actually worked for you?

When I was younger I (F) saw boys as just masculine versions of girls. It wasn't until puberty where I was like, damn, we really are different. Boys and girls melted/meshed with each other. Am I crazy/dumb for thinking this?? Does anyone else relate??

I work at a summer camp. One of my coworkers is constantly cutting me down in front of people while complimenting herself. No one really likes her because of her attitude.

She told our boss that I am bullying her by not including her in activities outside of work. I don’t think that is their business and I don’t need to include someone who treats me badly.

In the evening after work I take jiu jitsu and kickboxing classes. This coworker showed up for a trial class knowing I train there. I’m a lot smaller than her and new still. I know I suck but I enjoy learning. I have a bad joint and am going light during training while I recover. She insisted on pairing with me and I agreed to avoid making a scene. She went full strength during drills. When I told her I am recovering from an injury and need to go light she told me I will never learn to fight going light. After she bragged about how easy the class was and how I suck and she beat me at my own game. I reminded her that I’m new, smaller and injured.

Next she says she wants to do the other class with me and this is when I broke down. Shrilly and in front of everyone I started ranting about how there is something wrong with her, that she is stalking me and trying to take my last place of peace.

Later at work she told the other staff that I wanted to fight her and she beat me and how I’m washed up.

The boss had a meeting with me about the story. She seemed to have already decided to side with my coworker when I explained what really happened. My boss said that it sounded like we had a common interest and I was trying to exclude her again.

I’m 25F, and usually a very passive person. I finally gathered the courage to unfollow a friend that I haven’t wanted to be friends with for a while, and tell them I don’t want to be friends. They didn’t do anything to me personally, I just don’t agree with their beliefs and how they treat people. On one hand I feel very proud of myself for taking this step, because I’m finally putting my foot down & not pretending to be friends with someone that I don’t want to be. On the other I feel super guilty and wrong for some reason.

I’ve read posts from older people online saying when you get older you stop caring about what people think so much. I’m just wondering when that will happen for me. I know I’ll probably have to deal with it again in the future, so I’m just wondering if it gets easier & how y’all deal with this type of situation?

like windows down, good song on, not even rushing. feels like a tiny guilty pleasure moment that i dont admit to often

Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing well :)

I applied for the Mathematics + English Bachelor of Education at the University of Mannheim in Germany. Because I graduated from high school with top grades (equivalent to an A average), I'll most likely be accepted, hopefully. However, I'm really worried because I'm 25 years old. Am I too old to start university? Will the other students laugh at me because I'm already a grandpa? I honestly stay awake at night worrying that I'll be mocked everywhere at university because of my age.

To give you some background on how I ended up in this situation:

After graduating from high school with excellent grades, I studied Mechanical Engineering at the Technical University of Kaiserslautern for six semesters. My GPA very good. I earned top grades in Advanced Mathematics I–IV and Engineering Mechanics I–IV. In Engineering Mechanics III (Dynamics), I was the only student to receive a 1.0, while the class average was 3.5.

Unfortunately, I then suffered a severe burnout, and around the same time I was diagnosed with a serious autoimmune disease: Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE). Because of this, I will have to take methotrexate for the rest of my life, which suppresses my immune system. I also have to attend regular treatment appointments at the University Hospital in Mannheim.

I don't want to continue my Mechanical Engineering degree because Kaiserslautern is too far away, and I want a fresh start now that I'm receiving treatment and feeling healthier again. None of this was my fault................I couldn't control either my illness or my burnout. Am I too old? Is my life "over"?

Over the last month, I’ve been working really hard to lose weight, and I’ve actually been doing well. For the first time in a long time, I finally felt comfortable enough to wear shorts again because of the heat. It felt like a huge personal win.

Then yesterday, in Canterbury, a group of youths sarcastically shouted that they “liked my trainers” before threatening to rob them when I ignored them.
Today, I was in M&S in Gillingham with three sandwiches and a few other bits in my trolley. A man walked past and said, in a patronising tone, “Don’t be greedy.”

What he didn’t know was that I’ve spent years struggling with my confidence.

Last summer, I wore leggings almost every day because I hated how I looked. Even in the heat, I’d cover my legs because whenever I wore shorts, someone always seemed to have something to say. I ended up with painful skin irritation behind my knees and kept overheating because I was too embarrassed to wear what I was actually comfortable in.

For the last few weeks, I’d finally started thinking, “Maybe I’m not as big as I think I am.” Then one stranger’s comment made me feel huge all over again.

But then I remembered something.

These people don’t know me. They don’t know what I’m buying, what I’m eating, what I’ve been through, or how hard I’ve been working. They see a stranger for a few seconds and create an entire story in their head.

For so long, I avoided going out because out is where people are. I missed days out, summers, little moments and memories because I was scared of being judged.

I’m not doing that anymore.

I’ve also realised that “just ignore it” isn’t realistic. Hurtful comments don’t disappear the second you hear them. They stay with you for a while, and that’s okay.

Instead, I’ve learned to sit with them.

Acknowledge that they hurt. Process why they hurt. Then remind myself that someone else’s opinion doesn’t get to define me, and let it go.
I’m not going to let a stranger rob me of another summer, another outfit, another day out, or another happy memory.

If you’ve ever felt like you had to make yourself smaller, hide away, or stop living because of what other people might think, I hope you know this: your life is worth so much more than their passing opinion.

Don’t let people who know nothing about you write the story of your life.

How do you guys think I could go about trying to help people pursue self-betterment? I've finally found happiness, and am honestly horrified about how much time and energy and potential I wasted before I finally woke up.

And now, all I want to do is rouse people from this collective slumber so many of us have fallen into. I can't put it into words just exactly what it is; it's some combination of social media, doomscrolling, and (largely online) echo chambers that is acting to divide people and foment such animosity and vitriol we can see everywhere we look.

I want to "rehabilitate" "incels" (for lack of better terms; if you can think of any, please share!) and show them how much potential they have, and help them

I know I'm not perfect, and don't want to make it sound like I know the best for everyone, because I don't; I want to meet people where they are at, and help them become whatever person they wish they were.

How can I do this? I'd appreciate the input of anyone who has any idea of how I can be useful/helpful.

In reality, Germany is not as bad as I expected. Although it is somewhat inconvenient in some ways, it is truly a beautiful and wonderful country.

I feel more comfortable here than I did in my home country, which was full of concrete and lacked a sense of character and charm. My depression has been gradually improving.

There is also something comforting about the fact that nobody here knows me or my past.

Even when I experience discrimination, it feels kinder compared to the way I was treated in my hometown.
To me, that is proof that I am being recognized as a human being.

But I still have difficulty controlling my emotions sometimes.
The habit of viewing the future pessimistically has not disappeared yet.

Title says it all.

The first 18 years of my life I was trapped in a house with abusive parents and forced into an educational system that taught me absolutely nothing except how i needed to obey other people like bosses, company's, and authority and to stop asking questions and to shut up and do my work like im told. I really did try my best at college, starting off at a early college to get a transfer degree but ultimately dropped out after 2 years. I couldnt do it, same thing. Copy and paste the information, half of which isn't relevant. Just need you to do what i say. Stop asking why. No I cannot accommodate you to give you the structure you need to actually learn and no theres no where you can go where the structure is different.

Moved out at 18 and had to move back in with my family at 22 after a serious of toxic living situations.

I've decided to try and do some online certification course work for ABA to receive an RBT title. Same format of education style but at least its going to be over with quickly and still be something that can be fulfilling in my life. Working with children that are also neurodivergent and on the spectrum that I can use this education and my personal experience as well as the head physician at whatever facility I choose to work at sounds like a really fulfilling and healing career. Its still mental health care like I originally wanted but its more hands on which is way better! A typical 9-5 sitting in a office chair would genuinely make me want to kill myself. No that's not an exaggeration. RBT pay is much better then the restaurant pay I was receiving and seems like a decent career that isn't terrible for growing in! Thats what I thought.

I do more research and digging as I start the course work trying to do better for myself in a way that will be both healthy for me and get me out of this house. Why the fuck did I think anything positive about this? Everything, at least in america, just seems to all be the fucking same. I see everywhere online of people doing nothing but almost exclusively bashing this job and celebrating leaving because of how terrible and abusive it is. Great, of course it is. Oh and apparently most children so im hearing are HORRIFIC to work with because of the parents. Oh and theres no career in it, can't go anywhere with it and it doesnt pay for shit.

At this point what the fuck is the goal in trying to do better in your life and go forward? You get a college degree your in tons of debt and stuck in a job you hate. You dont go to college and your stuck in poverty. Try to take the middle road and get a certification instead and then you get to be poor and stuck in a job you hate? Not to mention regardless of what you have no one can afford to live, It would genuinely be the most beneficial for my well being to live alone but I CANT. IM POOR NO MATTER WHAT I DO. The only reason im not homeless is because im staying with my mother. Let's say even if i some how manage to find a job thats a good fit for me and may not pay me enough for a life i want but a life thats tolerable with a few creature comforts. Then what? Work until im 60 and if im lucky I can retire and ill get a total of maybe 30 years to spend my life how id life if im lucky? If im still even cognitivly and physically there enough to enjoy it given the poison in everything I consume around me doesnt give me fucking dementia?

Im just asking genuinely what is the point? It doesnt seem like I can win no matter what i do. I feel defeated. I dont even know if getting any additional education is worth it. It just seems like another distraction and waste of time. No matter what i do I won't get to have a house, or even just a studio apartment. I won't get to own a car. I wont be able to save for retirement. Maybe if I get lucky I'll have some cash to go outside and enjoy hobbies? No one seems to know how to socialize and be a person anymore either. No one seems to know how to have morals or care for the people around them. I feel hopeless. Does it ever get better? I feel like the light ive been staring at towards the end of the tunnel was nothing but a flashlight being held above the end where theres nothing but more wall and no way out.

Specification; I am NOT suicidal in any way. Just done with the bullshit.

In the last year, I've noticed that I've had to change the way I speak and type.

I feel like I am trapped between making short factual sentences to appease short attention spans but also having to cram in details so what I say doesn't taken out of context.

It's starting to impact my life because I feel like there aren't that many people I can have a fulfilling conversation with. I feel like people misinterpret what I say sometimes.

Something to note is that I am not one of those people that never shuts the fuck up. I have moments where I can talk a lot, or not at all, depending on my mood and what's going on in my life.

I am 35 years old. I did not go to college. English was my worst subject in high school. I do not read for fun. I am diagnosed with ADHD. I should be the person on the other end of this. You think I would be the one who is spazzing out.

I seriously think that doom scrolling is ruining people's brains. Reading comprehension is seemingly at an all time low. Attention spans are gone.

It's okay though because robots will do our jobs and we will end up morbidly obese in floating chairs like in Wall-E.