I turned 30...

Im old now

Good news tho! I found my old Pokewalker from 2010 lol

Bipolar is really hard. Working with Bipolar is really hard. It's this exhaustion that just sinks into my bones and won't go away. I can feel myself slipping into the low phase. It feels like I've just been there, and nobody has time to go back. I'm tired of meds that don't work but make me sick, or meds that do work but insurance won't cover. I'm just so tired, and no one around me understands or even cares enough to understand. They just get annoyed. Yeah, me too, buddy. I am very annoyed with this too. What am I supposed to do?

I've been thinking about this lately, and I'm not sure if the label even really matters, but it's sort of helping me frame some things in my life. For example, I haven't worked a real job in over 4 years. I have a master's degree that I don't use because I can't be consistent with it and honestly lately it feels like my cognitive abilities have declined. (I'm even having trouble forming my thoughts into sentences as I write this). I think it's helpful for me to be able to reference my "mental illness" as the reason I can't work or have a "normal" life (and by reference I just mean in my own head, not like as an explanation to other people). Like I probably expect too much of myself, given the circumstances. I have a mental illness that prevents me from pursuing the things I once thought I "should" be capable of. I just recently had an episode of hypo/mixed followed by suicidal depression and I'm sort of newly framing things for myself. Does this resonate with anyone else?

Over on the Succession sub there's a lot of speculation that Kendall Roy suffers from bipolar. IMO It's one of the better depictions of the illness I've seen- Jeremy Strong does a phenomenal job. I highly recommend the series if you haven't seen it yet.

Reposting because this is highly relatable. And sad. And funny. Which sort of sums up the whole ball of bipolar wax.

Hey guys, I just wanted to invite anyone who needs to join. We have a bipolar (Discord) server. It’s pretty good. We’ve had it for about a year now. I’ve been running it with a few other people. We have a very, very solid group, and I’m just inviting more people if they would like to join; I sent some screenshots of the server if you’re interested. I know it’s usually really hard for people to enjoy stuff like this, but we’ve been running for over a year. We have such a healthy group and a healthy community. I would love for more people to join. If you need support, we are here for you. :) There are about 85 members right now, and we are pretty active still after all this time. Anytime I need support, this is the first place I go to. I love this community!

Dm for an invite!

PS I am the owner (along side 2 others) so lmk if you have any questions.

Woo second post in 2 days.

Anyway, the title. It seems like I just can't go on the way others can. I can keep a job for a little over a year before things start to rapidly fall apart. I can't keep up with my own hygiene or cleaning. I wouldn't eat much if someone in my house didn't cook

I just feel at such a loss. I don't truly want to die and leave my family. But I wish I could just disappear from everything else

I'm medicated, I have regular appointments, and I have a box of coping mechanisms. I'm not in any immediate danger. Yet I find myself wishing a meteor would fall on me or something.

I had a few months long rapid cycling episode thing and my speech is worse. Its worse out loud. I lose words, cant express my thoughts clearly to people, half thoughts, all that. Every conversation I leave feeling like that was not what I wanted or was trying to say. My sentences and structure and grammar were already all mixed up. I'm on lamotrigine I know that was and is definitely contributing to it. I had an underlying health issue that exacerbated the brain inflammation and extended the episode. This last episode I keep trying to describe how it was for me, what happened, apologize to people. I have all these thoughts and some of it comes out but I can't get it out at the right times before the conversations end even when I'm trying so hard. Even thoughts unrelated to the emotional stress, normal things dont come out quite right. It is easier to type, but still things are not coming out correctly. Having a longer time to pause and type helps but I can't do that with everything. I know I need time to rest and heal, but it has never happened to me to this degree and I'm just sad I cant express what is really in my heart to the people I love :(

TW: SA

God. I don’t even wanna get into all of it. The moral of the story is I got raped last year and my entire friend group ditched me after the fact because nobody understood what happened at the time, and neither did I.

I was dating my current boyfriend at the time (he has since come to an understanding of what truly happened), and it was understood to be cheating before I realized the severity of what happened to me. I did NOT cheat. I did NOT consent. And I was heavily under the influence.

Everything is fine and dandy for everyone else now, and I’ve repaired some of the relationships I lost, but they’re all still broken in my mind. I was betrayed by the people I thought cared about me. Some of them came to find out what happened and apologized but man, it’ll never undo the damage that was caused to my psyche.

I got invited to a friend’s birthday with a bunch of the people that stopped talking to me and I was just… shocked with the audacity of it all. You fuckers left me at my worst, never asked what happened, and now everything is just fine and dandy to you? Now I’m suddenly invited again because my boyfriend says it’s okay? I’m so sick of being an extension of someone else. I’m so sick of not being seen as my own person. And Jesus fucking christ, I hate this toxic ass echo chamber of a friend group. I’m done with it. I want nothing to do with it and I want to forget it happened at all.

While everyone was out at their parties last year, I was getting beaten and violated in the worst way imaginable. I used to find myself craving an invite, but now I’m so sickened at the thought of being around these people.

I’m so tired of living in the past while everyone moves on. It’s like a part of me died last year. Not even a part, but a version of me. And I will never get her back. She was stolen from me. And now I’m left picking up the pieces of the damage caused by a piece of shit person that premeditated my downfall because she was so miserable herself.

I’m so upset.

I’m so hurt.

I’m so done.

Since I can’t say it to them, I’ll say it here:

I hope you have toothpicks jammed underneath your toenails and are forced to kick a wall.

Fuck you.

Fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU!

Its like I have this gratefulness and grief about being diagnosed. I’m glad I finally had an explanation for years of aimless suffering, but knowing it so undeniably has me deeply mourning the person I would’ve been had I not been mentally ill. I started college in 2021 and graduated this may, and college was a beautiful life changing experience. And it was also $200,000. I‘m not yet regretting that financial commitment, but I struggled so much with depression that I didn’t, and couldn’t, perform my absolute best.

I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world, I wouldn’t have had a will to live had I not chosen this school, and met amazing talented people who really care for me. I made such great friends while I was hpyomanic, but as equally as i was confident and charismatic and admired, I was oversharing, doing stupid dangerous shit, hypersexual (which i mostly regret), could never focus on school, anxiously attached and obsessing over lame men. I‘m embarrased!! I’m looking at everyone else realizing that most people aren’t deeply traumatized and ill, and realizing that they all had to see me like that. They all know how vulnerable and deeply imperfect I am.

Makes me feel lesser idk. I know it’s a bout of insecurity, I did great work and am loved and a better person. it just sucks knowing my life could’ve been so much easier had I been diagnosed a lot sooner.

I got fired in January when my coworkers found out about homicidal night terrors I had about one of my colleagues. Two days later I was diagnosed as Bipolar 2 and Borderline Personality Disorder. Has anyone else here lost a job because of their mental health condition?

My psychiatrist is hinting at me trying meds but I hear so many side effects and it’s making me super hesitant. Are the results worth the side effects in your opinion? Honestly I’m kind of in denial a bit. Like I’ve gone my whole life fine, in a way, without meds. I think. Like sure a few depressive episodes but when I’m not actively suicidal it’s fine(debatable). Or maybe I’m just used to this quality of life and the average person lives significantly better and getting on meds would help me get there.

I’m at a loss. Lamotrigine was horrific for me. Aripipraizole gave me akathisia . Wellbutrin just made me sweat. Seroquel made me so exhausted I couldn’t function. Latuda gave me high anxiety and akathisia. I don’t know what to do anymore. Has anyone else had the same issues I’ve had with these medications? What do you guys take that aren’t these?

OK yeah title is weird but hear me out, I was diagnosed about 3 years ago, unfortunately I have no treatment in place (no money for medication), family don't actually believe in diagnosis so anyway.

i found that when I'm manic things just work out, I can actually focus and understand school, I go out more and experience life...and when it ends I'm dumb again, I still go out when I can get out of my room but damn why is the other me so much nicer, and sometimes I can feel the episode slipping through my fingers and well here i am....brain fog, zero energy just waiting for the other me to show up so I can do work

These are obviously questions for my doctor and not for the internet, but I guess I am just looking for some support.

I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple months ago. My memory, concentration and lack of motivation reached a point that I really needed some answers or I could not continue anymore.

But all of those issues are quite cyclical in nature now that I think about it. Just before the diagnosis I was actually feeling quite alright, working on my own personal hobby project every single day for multiple hours a day while the ideas just kept coming and flowing. I actually told myself I felt "happy" for once. And lo and behold, that all came crashing down as quickly as that whole "episode" of productivity and happiness came about in the first place. And now I am just depressed and burned out, and can barely do work on my actual job.

Similar thing happened just before Christmas. Working a month or some on a video game project, ideas just keep flowing, hours and days go by just like that, and then I crash and nothing interests me in life. I am also more active sexually at the same time. And after that I am just thinking that this is some kind of burnout, depression, or depression/burnout due to ADHD.

This sort of thing has been happening at least for 10 or 15 years by now. Be happy and productive for a month or so, and then just be depressed for the time in between. For the "ADHD" I have taken Concerta, but that has done absolutely nothing for the depression/burnout side of things. The meds make me a bit more "present", but that's it.

Hello all! I was finally diagnosed with BP2 almost 10 years ago now. Before then, I know my mental health was absolutely horrible but I also had a very good sex drive, regardless of whether I was hypo or depressive. Since being on medication (was on Lithium for about 8ish years, now on Latuda) I completely lost any and all sex drive/libido/etc. I’ve been with my partner for over 15 years now and horrifically, we have not had sex for about the past 10 years. It is officially taking a toll on him and his mental health. He’s not pressuring me in any way, but it is finally a problem that I have zero interest in sex. I don’t even look at anyone and feel attracted to them. It’s as if any and all sexual activity has vanished. We’re looking into sex therapists and I’m meeting with a gyno to discuss options for HSDD. My question however, has anyone gone off their meds completely and gotten their sex drive back? I’ve been in therapy for over 10 years at this point, I strength train…I’m wondering if I stopped taking my meds if I’d be able to handle the ups and downs of this diagnosis better and hopefully feel sexual again. Any and all advice is appreciated.

Firstly, let me say I'm maintaning all my regular meds and have a dr's appointment already booked for next Friday for med review.

Also, forgive the text wall.

Been in deeper than average for me depressive cycle for about 3 weeks, now.

Decidedly miserable, but managing. The old 'this too shall pass'.

Then, this past Monday (Wednesday here, now) I caught up with a guy who's become a good mate I'd worked extensively with on rare immunological disorder and blood plasma donation campaigns. I did tye public facing, public speaking and direct advocacy etc, he handled all the behind the scene stuff.

He'd been losing a bit of weight while we were working, but at the time, no big deal.

Called him Monday to catch up with him. Hadn't seen each other in about 4 months, I'd been overseas.

Learned 3 weeks after the end of campaign work, he'd got bloody sick.

Long story short - hes been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer spread to the liver and abdominal involvement. His Dr's reckon best case, maybe 8 months.

Have dropped into the deepest, most devastated depressive state I've ever experienced.

When I'm not bawling my eyes out I'm sleeping without any interest inngetting out of bed, eating, self care.

Just feels like with my mental state rn that the sun has set and will never rise again.

I can't keep going like this.

I don't know what to do.

this depressive episode is fucking intense and idk how to handle it. i don’t feel connection or love for my family and friends the week before my cycle. severe anhedonia and depersonalization. there’s an underlying feeling of this throughout the month but this week i feel it so much more. is this normal???

i’ve been going through one of the worst depressive episodes i’ve ever experienced. i’m suicidal (i don’t have a plan though), i’m barely eating, i can barely do everyday tasks, i even had my therapist write me a letter excusing me from work for a month. the plan was to admit me to a partial hospitalization program, but i can’t afford it. i have insurance through my mom’s work (i’m 21 for reference), but the deductible is almost $5k and my mom is refusing to help me pay for it (even though she has six figures in her savings. i know i’m not entitled to her money, but it feels like a punch in the gut). i’m not working, so i can’t afford it, and even if i was still working, i only worked like 18 hours per week @ $15/hr (they wouldn’t give me any more hours, i asked). my therapist tried looking for pro bono/sliding scale facilities, but couldn’t find any near where i live. everyone emphasizes how you need to ask for help when you’re in crisis, but then when you do, it feels like you’re met with a million roadblocks that make your situation even worse. if anyone has any advice or support, i could really use it right now

I was broken up with a few months ago. We were together for 2 years, I thought the vast majority of the relationship went great. The breakup was very sudden, she asked to come over, I said in a bit, but she insisted it to be very soon. She was very jokey, cracking a shit ton of jokes before doing a complete 180. She told me that I was the selfless person and a bunch of other meaningless compliments, before trying to leave and telling me that we aren’t going to have a conversation again.

While I did really like her, she wasn’t that good of a person. She was actively rude to pretty much every person she came across, had a huge ego, and had so many morally wrong stances. I was really really upset the first 3-4 weeks after the breakup, but it did eventually get better. This month so far I thought I had been doing good getting her off my mind. I found myself in a bit of a mental flow state for a good bit.

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Where it starts to go bad
______________________

A few days I ago I spent time with a friend, who still actually followed my ex. It was the first time we had saw each other in a while, and at first we had no mention of my ex. Then randomly, out of the blue, my friend told me my ex is in a new relationship with a “fat Mexican nonbinary puppy boy” and she is their “owner”. I never have asked anyone for updates on my ex and I didn’t want to know anything, but what I heard really shocked me. It’s exactly the kind of thing my ex would mock and make fun of when we were together.

That night, I went on her Spotify (which was still on my tv) and tried to loop this puppy tv show song to make it her top song of the year. She eventually caught on and removed my device (after trying to play meme songs + sex noises through my tv). I sent her pictures of anime puppy boys on discord and she asked how I knew, I didn’t respond.

I felt so angry and so miserable at work the past few days so I took today off in an effort to rest, but I woke up way too early and haven’t been able to sleep. I had a really messed up idea early this morning, in which I did.

I made an insta account with her first name + last name initial, named it something puppy boy related, and posted a bunch of anime puppy boy images with weird captions and such. I followed a bunch of her colleagues in an effort to embarrass her at work. I had the account up for like 30 minutes before I got a message from her demanding it to be taken down and that I was harassing her. She’s not wrong, I really was harassing her. The moment I saw her message my heart sank and it hit me that was I was doing was wrong. I deleted, I said sorry and that I won’t do anything again, and blocked her.

I feel absolutely terrible and struck with remorse. Im trying to give myself some grace because I never sought out that information in the first place because I knew I could do something stupid like this. I hate that I am like this, I wish I could just function normally. I don’t want to be with her at all. I hate that I want to get revenge on her, she really doesn’t deserve it, I just have such strong feelings.

Please refrain from answering if you are a SO/just a curious lurker.

so i myself am not bipolar, and im not looking for a guide to live with it, however my girlfriend is bipolar, and i wanted to ask if there were any highly recommended books to learn the most i can about it, however it works and what it is like to live with it?
i’m interested in both the neurological side of it, such as neuro chemistry and biology, but also just day to day experiences and what it’s like handling and living with it.

i wanted to understand my girlfriend and their condition as best as i can, and so im looking for a book that can help me in that with in depth detail and teaching.

I want to go. I’m so miserable and sad and upset all the time. I want things to end I want to never have to experience this again. But I can’t go to the hospital without triggering my parents insurence not to mention they would notice if I was gone for 2 weeks. But I want the stuff they do there, or maybe I just want the stuff I imagine they do there. Maybe in reality I just want my psychiatrist to listen and proscribe something that would actually help. I don’t think anyone is gonna help