I've been thinking about this lately, and I'm not sure if the label even really matters, but it's sort of helping me frame some things in my life. For example, I haven't worked a real job in over 4 years. I have a master's degree that I don't use because I can't be consistent with it and honestly lately it feels like my cognitive abilities have declined. (I'm even having trouble forming my thoughts into sentences as I write this). I think it's helpful for me to be able to reference my "mental illness" as the reason I can't work or have a "normal" life (and by reference I just mean in my own head, not like as an explanation to other people). Like I probably expect too much of myself, given the circumstances. I have a mental illness that prevents me from pursuing the things I once thought I "should" be capable of. I just recently had an episode of hypo/mixed followed by suicidal depression and I'm sort of newly framing things for myself. Does this resonate with anyone else?

Woo second post in 2 days.

Anyway, the title. It seems like I just can't go on the way others can. I can keep a job for a little over a year before things start to rapidly fall apart. I can't keep up with my own hygiene or cleaning. I wouldn't eat much if someone in my house didn't cook

I just feel at such a loss. I don't truly want to die and leave my family. But I wish I could just disappear from everything else

I'm medicated, I have regular appointments, and I have a box of coping mechanisms. I'm not in any immediate danger. Yet I find myself wishing a meteor would fall on me or something.

TW: SA

God. I don’t even wanna get into all of it. The moral of the story is I got raped last year and my entire friend group ditched me after the fact because nobody understood what happened at the time, and neither did I.

I was dating my current boyfriend at the time (he has since come to an understanding of what truly happened), and it was understood to be cheating before I realized the severity of what happened to me. I did NOT cheat. I did NOT consent. And I was heavily under the influence.

Everything is fine and dandy for everyone else now, and I’ve repaired some of the relationships I lost, but they’re all still broken in my mind. I was betrayed by the people I thought cared about me. Some of them came to find out what happened and apologized but man, it’ll never undo the damage that was caused to my psyche.

I got invited to a friend’s birthday with a bunch of the people that stopped talking to me and I was just… shocked with the audacity of it all. You fuckers left me at my worst, never asked what happened, and now everything is just fine and dandy to you? Now I’m suddenly invited again because my boyfriend says it’s okay? I’m so sick of being an extension of someone else. I’m so sick of not being seen as my own person. And Jesus fucking christ, I hate this toxic ass echo chamber of a friend group. I’m done with it. I want nothing to do with it and I want to forget it happened at all.

While everyone was out at their parties last year, I was getting beaten and violated in the worst way imaginable. I used to find myself craving an invite, but now I’m so sickened at the thought of being around these people.

I’m so tired of living in the past while everyone moves on. It’s like a part of me died last year. Not even a part, but a version of me. And I will never get her back. She was stolen from me. And now I’m left picking up the pieces of the damage caused by a piece of shit person that premeditated my downfall because she was so miserable herself.

I’m so upset.

I’m so hurt.

I’m so done.

Since I can’t say it to them, I’ll say it here:

I hope you have toothpicks jammed underneath your toenails and are forced to kick a wall.

Fuck you.

Fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU!

Hey guys, I just wanted to invite anyone who needs to join. We have a bipolar (Discord) server. It’s pretty good. We’ve had it for about a year now. I’ve been running it with a few other people. We have a very, very solid group, and I’m just inviting more people if they would like to join; I sent some screenshots of the server if you’re interested. I know it’s usually really hard for people to enjoy stuff like this, but we’ve been running for over a year. We have such a healthy group and a healthy community. I would love for more people to join. If you need support, we are here for you. :) There are about 85 members right now, and we are pretty active still after all this time. Anytime I need support, this is the first place I go to. I love this community!

Dm for an invite!

PS I am the owner (along side 2 others) so lmk if you have any questions.

Please refrain from answering if you are a SO/just a curious lurker.

OK yeah title is weird but hear me out, I was diagnosed about 3 years ago, unfortunately I have no treatment in place (no money for medication), family don't actually believe in diagnosis so anyway.

i found that when I'm manic things just work out, I can actually focus and understand school, I go out more and experience life...and when it ends I'm dumb again, I still go out when I can get out of my room but damn why is the other me so much nicer, and sometimes I can feel the episode slipping through my fingers and well here i am....brain fog, zero energy just waiting for the other me to show up so I can do work

Hello all! I was finally diagnosed with BP2 almost 10 years ago now. Before then, I know my mental health was absolutely horrible but I also had a very good sex drive, regardless of whether I was hypo or depressive. Since being on medication (was on Lithium for about 8ish years, now on Latuda) I completely lost any and all sex drive/libido/etc. I’ve been with my partner for over 15 years now and horrifically, we have not had sex for about the past 10 years. It is officially taking a toll on him and his mental health. He’s not pressuring me in any way, but it is finally a problem that I have zero interest in sex. I don’t even look at anyone and feel attracted to them. It’s as if any and all sexual activity has vanished. We’re looking into sex therapists and I’m meeting with a gyno to discuss options for HSDD. My question however, has anyone gone off their meds completely and gotten their sex drive back? I’ve been in therapy for over 10 years at this point, I strength train…I’m wondering if I stopped taking my meds if I’d be able to handle the ups and downs of this diagnosis better and hopefully feel sexual again. Any and all advice is appreciated.

looking for others with bipolar i can text and chat with. I’m 34 female work remote engaged love dogs and in a depressive funk right now. idk if this is allowed or not but i need support/ contact with others.

I was broken up with a few months ago. We were together for 2 years, I thought the vast majority of the relationship went great. The breakup was very sudden, she asked to come over, I said in a bit, but she insisted it to be very soon. She was very jokey, cracking a shit ton of jokes before doing a complete 180. She told me that I was the most selfless person and a bunch of other meaningless compliments, before trying to leave and telling me that we aren’t going to have a conversation again.

While I did really like her, she wasn’t that good of a person. She was actively rude to pretty much every person she came across, had a huge ego, and had so many morally wrong stances. I was really really upset the first 3-4 weeks after the breakup, but it did eventually get better. This month so far I thought I had been doing good getting her off my mind. I found myself in a bit of a mental flow state for a good bit.

—————————————-
Where it starts to go bad
______________________

A few days I ago I spent time with a friend, who still actually followed my ex. It was the first time we had saw each other in a while, and at first we had no mention of my ex. Then randomly, out of the blue, my friend told me my ex is in a new relationship with a “fat Mexican nonbinary puppy boy” and she is their “owner”. I never have asked anyone for updates on my ex and I didn’t want to know anything, but what I heard really shocked me. It’s exactly the kind of thing my ex would mock and make fun of when we were together.

That night, I went on her Spotify (which was still on my tv) and tried to loop this puppy tv show song to make it her top song of the year. She eventually caught on and removed my device (after trying to play meme songs + sex noises through my tv). I sent her pictures of anime puppy boys on discord and she asked how I knew, I didn’t respond.

I felt so angry and so miserable at work the past few days so I took today off in an effort to rest, but I woke up way too early and haven’t been able to sleep. I had a really messed up idea early this morning, in which I did.

I made an insta account with her first name + last name initial, named it something puppy boy related, and posted a bunch of anime puppy boy images with weird captions and such. I followed a bunch of her colleagues in an effort to embarrass her at work. I had the account up for like 30 minutes before I got a message from her demanding it to be taken down and that I was harassing her. She’s not wrong, I really was harassing her. The moment I saw her message my heart sank and it hit me that was I was doing was wrong. I deleted, I said sorry and that I won’t do anything again, and blocked her.

I feel absolutely terrible and struck with remorse. Im trying to give myself some grace because I never sought out that information in the first place because I knew I could do something stupid like this. I hate that I am like this, I wish I could just function normally. I don’t want to be with her at all. I hate that I want to get revenge on her, she really doesn’t deserve it, I just have such strong feelings.

I had a few months long rapid cycling episode thing and my speech is worse. Its worse out loud. I lose words, cant express my thoughts clearly to people, half thoughts, all that. Every conversation I leave feeling like that was not what I wanted or was trying to say. My sentences and structure and grammar were already all mixed up. I'm on lamotrigine I know that was and is definitely contributing to it. I had an underlying health issue that exacerbated the brain inflammation and extended the episode. This last episode I keep trying to describe how it was for me, what happened, apologize to people. I have all these thoughts and some of it comes out but I can't get it out at the right times before the conversations end even when I'm trying so hard. Even thoughts unrelated to the emotional stress, normal things dont come out quite right. It is easier to type, but still things are not coming out correctly. Having a longer time to pause and type helps but I can't do that with everything. I know I need time to rest and heal, but it has never happened to me to this degree and I'm just sad I cant express what is really in my heart to the people I love :(

so i myself am not bipolar, and im not looking for a guide to live with it, however my girlfriend is bipolar, and i wanted to ask if there were any highly recommended books to learn the most i can about it, however it works and what it is like to live with it?
i’m interested in both the neurological side of it, such as neuro chemistry and biology, but also just day to day experiences and what it’s like handling and living with it.

i wanted to understand my girlfriend and their condition as best as i can, and so im looking for a book that can help me in that with in depth detail and teaching.

I want to go. I’m so miserable and sad and upset all the time. I want things to end I want to never have to experience this again. But I can’t go to the hospital without triggering my parents insurence not to mention they would notice if I was gone for 2 weeks. But I want the stuff they do there, or maybe I just want the stuff I imagine they do there. Maybe in reality I just want my psychiatrist to listen and proscribe something that would actually help. I don’t think anyone is gonna help

How do I tell the difference between if I actually want a divorce for my husband or if it's just my bipolar acting up?

I feel like I go through this every single month.

Bipolar is really hard. Working with Bipolar is really hard. It's this exhaustion that just sinks into my bones and won't go away. I can feel myself slipping into the low phase. It feels like I've just been there, and nobody has time to go back. I'm tired of meds that don't work but make me sick, or meds that do work but insurance won't cover. I'm just so tired, and no one around me understands or even cares enough to understand. They just get annoyed. Yeah, me too, buddy. I am very annoyed with this too. What am I supposed to do?

I think I might be type 2 bipolar and I just wanna see if I am judging it correctly

ps: I have an appointment coming so dont worry Im not planning to self diagnose

I’m 27/f and undiagnosed. For the last 2 years I have been taking Prozac and then I switched to lexapro a month ago. The lexapro triggered a mental health crisis where I haven’t been to work in like a month. I own my own business so it has been hard for me to judge my own ups and downs. They took me off of lexapro this week. I lost 15 lbs in a month, spent a week in turmoil, a week nonstop dancing and listening to music from morning to night and thinking I was going to learn to play guitar in a week, then the next two weeks were the worst depression with suicidal ideation I’ve had comparable to the worst points in my life.
Basically I think I’m in a bit of an up swing again or possibly what I’ve seen people call a mixed episode. I don’t really know. I currently want to close my business because it’s just too much and I have backed myself into a corner financially. Is this irrational or from experienced people would you say it’s a good time to take a step back? Thank you for any insight🩷

Apologies to the mods if update posts are not allowed. I couldn't find anything about them in the rules, although feel free to remove this if it's not allowed. Once again Advice is more than welcome

I'd thought I'd post an update post about everything that happened as I got given some answers and some more questions when I went for my therapy session today. Original post for those who may be able to give advice but don't know the full story. I am under CAMHS in the NHS for those who may not have found that clear in my last post.

First of all, as a lot of people told me to get a second opinion or new psychiatrist, I found out that unfortunately neither are possible, although I had a feeling that would be the case anyways. In my entire area, the only other two psychiatrists there are, are two old retired ones that only usually work two days on short hours in a week or fortnight, and they don't get involved in other cases if there's already a psychiatrist involved. That means unfortunately a second opinion or new psychiatrist does not seem to be an option, as much as I feel it's incredibly important.

Onto what happened at my therapy appointment, we didn't get the EMDR done as we talked about what happened with my psychiatrist. She admitted to me that she had been the one to bring up my diagnosis, having said to my psychiatrist that she thought that since I've had my provisional diagnosis almost a year, that they needed to make the decision whether to make it permanent or remove it. I'm honestly not sure if it's an actual thing where you can't have a provisional diagnosis for a long period of time, although I was under the impression you could. It also makes sense as to why my psychiatrist seemed to have made up his mind already about it before the appointment. I'm not sure however why they both didn't have a review meeting with me to discuss things as a whole if they were concerned about that, but they didn't. I went on to tell my symptoms to my therapist at her request, to which she told me that "A ton of teenagers come in with your symptoms, it's often just hormones and because you're growing". I'm honestly confused as why she said this, as I am on HRT and do not have fluctuating hormones because of it, infact that's part of what my HRT treats. I then told her about my highs and my impulsivity during them, and she told me that it was "just curiousity" and that all teenagers do stupid things because they're curious. She gave me the example of one of her patients having purposely broken her arm by slamming it over and over in a car door because she was curious. I tried to tell her that it absolutely isn't curiosity, and if it was I'd also be doing stupid impulsive stuff during my lows, although she was adamant it is. I then went on to talk about the debilitating hypersomnia I experience in my lows, to which my therapist tried to say I have an iron deficiency? I had to tell her multiple times that I've had recent blood tests (as I have chronic illnesses and have them quite regularly because of it) and I was only deficient in Vitamin D, but it's Britain and we basically all are here. She then went on to tell me I should go to my GP and see about CFS. I admittedly felt really pissed off by this but was pretty shocked at the time to say something. I really felt as if she was trying to play doctor and psychiatrist all at once although maybe I'm just interpreting things wrong. She then went on to tell me that my highs are not hypomania or mania, and when I asked her what is hypomania and mania by their criteria so I could understand, she did not have an answer apart from "You'd tell if someone was manic on the street" which I genuinely have no idea what she meant by that. When I asked what could be wrong if it's not bipolar, she went on to tell me that my symptoms fit no condition, and there is nothing they can say it is. She told me they can treat my individual symptoms as best they can, but not as a whole as they fit with nothing.

On the medication side of things, it was clarified to me that the plan is to keep me on my Quietiapine for now and try Fluxotine, however it seems the plan is to eventually get me off the Quietiapine, as with no bipolar diagnosis I am not allowed antipsychotics. I feel frightened by this admittedly, as I know damn well that antidepressants in the best case scenario will just send me into a constant mixed or high mood state, however they do not seem to believe this as "We haven't witnessed a high mood" (which is stupid because they haven't witnessed it as I've been on medication to stop it 🤦). Worst case scenario it will just make everything worse like they have done historically.

That's all I have in terms of an update really for those who gave me advice last time. I'm not sure where to go from here and how to deal with all this admittedly. I'm so confused and anxious and it's making my symptoms so much worse.

I noticed every time I get to work my mood changes . I’m usually fine before and have a nice time on my way to work while listening to music but when I get to work my mood and thoughts are bit more sporadic .

And it’s not about the people at my job. The other guards I get along with and the medical insurance workers are professional and seem nice .

It’s more so whatever that’s going on in my head.

Maybe this sounds weird but I'm new to being at baseline (minus some slight depression). Things feel sort of boring (but I know this is because of hypomania in the past) and my brain is so much quieter. I feel like a whole new person and feel like I don't know myself after living this way for 29 years. I feel great, and it's honestly scary because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop at the same time.

Anyway, does anyone out there have any suggestions as to how to get to know my new/normal self and also has anyone else experienced this feeling of disconnection? TIA