I am currently 4 months separated after my wife discarded me and moved in with her affair partner. In the beginning I was in shock, like all of you who have been discarded. Everything seemed unreal, I was really struggling until I stumbled across this sub. Knowing about discard has been really helpful.

I cannot but wonder how co dependent I had become on her. Sure, she was loving and caring at times. But she also craved control. Everything in our lives revolved around her mood. Where we went, what we ate, the movies we would watch almost everything was her choice. What I thought was love and care had been a way for her to maintain control.

It was like the world was trying to hurt me,and she was my only saviour. She even tried to control how much interaction I had with my family. I had to agree to her views on things, no matter how illogical they were. She blamed me for her depression, that I couldn't support her properly.

Perhaps she couldn't control her brain, so she would rather control her environment.

Now, it feels like that distorted reality is clearing up.

I can think on my own, I am holding boundaries which she desparately shattered. I am really confused, there were moments where she loved me like no other. But there were also violently abusive moments including physical abuse. I don't know how to define our relationship.

Anyone else relate to this feeling?

I’ve been with my SO for 12 years, 3rd discard - this one 10 days after his service dog died.

This episode is so much worse than the rest going on 3 1/2 months no contact and he drove cross-country to his parents townhome where he’s been living in his childhood bedroom ever since. They are fully enabling him. He’s 37 and unmedicated.

Honestly I thought we had an absolutely wonderful relationship minus the discards lol.

I’m at a loss and am wondering if anyone has had their SO come back after 3+months on their own or did you initiate the contact?

Hi all. I'm 35 (F) and my husband is 30 (M). We have no children. He was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in August of last year. We have lived close (20min) to his family for nine years and my family is 3 hours away. Our relationship is borderline toxic. I drink alcohol almost every day to cope with PTSD, MDD, anxiety, and my husband's behavior toward me. My husband smokes weed every day and has also started to drink alcohol.

I have an opportunity to work in a town closer to my family. My mom would help me to drink less (I never drink when I spend the night with her, I feel relaxed there). My husband says that I am choosing my family over him. My family likes him but he doesn't like most of them. I have mentioned marriage counseling and sent him places that accept his insurance and all he tells me is, 'maybe'. He is currently medicated and doesn't want to leave his current job because they have been so understanding about his disorder and the amount of work he misses. I understand he is hesitant to leave, but then he mentions wanting to move states away from both our families and says that he is very unhappy here. He recently told me he isn't as attracted to me as he used to be and I appreciate his honesty but I don't understand why he wants to stay married to me when he is so unhappy.

He has called me small-minded and told me I sound like a f*cking robot. He has yelled at me and told me I'm playing the victim when I cry. He hardly admits when he is wrong and I'm starting to think he may be a narcissist as well. He talks about the mistakes I make almost daily and stands over me and corrects me during basic tasks. There's a lot more that I could say about ways he's put me down but I'll leave it at this.

I ended up in a manic state towards the end of short, but very passionate relationship. We ever had a proper closure conversation and I didn’t handle it super well. We around 2 weeks of no contact before I ended up calling her from the psych word and then reconnected virtually for a few weeks.

Once again, we didn’t have a closure conversation. I’ve done a few bad reach out attempts.

I think I’m in a better head space (finally) to have a serious conversation, but I’m not sure if appropriate to ask for one. I feel like I never properly apologized and acknowledged my actions.

Peço perdão por que eu sou brasileiro e não sei se o tradutor vai transmitir exatamente o que meu idioma diz,
Eu estava no começo de um relacionamento com uma pessoa bipolar ainda não tínhamos começado a namorar, mas ela tinha as exigências dela e eu as minhas passamos por umas dificuldades emocionais na relação essas 3 últimas semanas e ela decidiu terminar eu gosto muito dela e quero reatar por isso levei flores pra ela hoje mas parece que a resposta dela é definitiva, ela demonstrou normalidade em ainda conversar comigo contanto que não seja sobre a relação eu não respondi ela pela manhã e pretendo não conversar por que doi muito está longe dela.

1º eu sei que muitos vão falar pra desistir mas eu amo ela

2º eu sei que cada ser humano é diferente, por isso quero conselhos

Me digam tem chances dela mudar de ideia ? O que eu faço não sei nada sobre essa condição e me sinto mal por não ter me preparado pra esse tipo de situação antes

Obs: ela teve o tratamento interrompido por motivos financeiros e eu estava buscando resolver isso por que ela. Não sei quais medicações ela tomava antes mas eu estava preparando a primeira consulta pra o final do mês

Hello , haven’t been on here in a very long time but this community has not only taught me so much to understand my marriage but also such a support and nice to hear we all are not alone and not crazy!

My story going on 6 years married 3 out of the 6 my wife BP1 medication fauxetin (I think that’s how you spell it ) and for the first time ever she not only discarded me but found a whole affair has been happening with “deep feelings” (very recent not sure exactly how long ago it started)
Sunday evening she got very cold mind you prior to this I’ve seen the signs of her mania and hyper sexual has been very strong , not eating , god complex coming out and not sleeping. Have not been taking her meds as she should

This has mania and the signs have being going on a month or so , really ramping up approx two weeks ago with the symptoms really showing
Fast forward to Sunday evening I noticed a change big time distant colder and quieter , started checking on her how she thinks she’s Feeling and got hit with we need space I don’t want to be married I feel like I’ve been dead this whole past year I am feeling so much in my brain I need to figure it out I tell her okay ask a few questions to get a better understanding she gets pisse and tells me I’m not listening she needs space

Monday giving her space but I have anxious attachment (my own issues so it’s a trigger I’m not perfect) I send a message just reminding her I love her and that I know she needs space but to not make any rash decisions about us and let her know she’s going through a mania we know that and the symptoms are only confirming , mind you the only info I have from what is happening is she needs space her brain feels full and she needs to process how she’s feeling.

I get a text I don’t want to hurt you I really need space please understand this and let me figure out my feelings

Okay and then I notice only little details that you would have to know her deeply to know these are telling signs . One she purposely left her ring . Two she didn’t text me she made it safe in the morn( which no matter in the past how mad or manic she was she would reach out)
3. She deleted our wedding picture from her wallpaper (again if you the significance of that wallpaper you understand it’s a huge deal ) so I notice okay so she’s really detaching herself from our life but really not understanding what’s happening no answers given and the final one she is guarding her phone like I’ve never seen and she never does that she never takes her phone that serious so I do what I never do and when she finally fell asleep I went through it and discover her coworker and her are deeply in an affair right now and it’s the grass is greener on the other side situation and then all the pieces are starting to add up she is getting extra ready for work lately talking about this girl she’s so happy to have met as a “friend” quoting inside things from work at home about her and then it all hits idk how long this going on for but it’s been happening fairly recent but for a while maybe weeks maybe month(s) but idk

I wake her up I’m reacting by emotion because I am completely blind sided but I let her know I know everything and why she wants the divorce I blow up she’s doesn’t give a fuck in that moment and rashly I say some heated things and grab my shit call me friend and leave my friend became her friends and have since talked to her little bits she’s still not eating but acting completely not herself like she admitted she knows it’s bad what she did but still pursuing it or trying to figure it out from what they gathered she’s all over the place no solid answers and from what I know she went to work today I’m staying with friends for now
She has a psych appointment today I’ve called but waiting on a call back and not sure what I should do I’m given her space because since she’s completely blocked me on everything changed her profile to look not Married and socially removed me from all platforms and ways to contact her

Just wanna hear advise or feedback anything and everything helps as this is my first time this happened processing everything knowing this sounds very familiar to other peoples lives and having a very hard time navigating this

TYIA

I keep using AI to convince myself that I'm better off, multiple times a day, as my ex takes over my thoughts.

I have a protective order of 6 months and we've been no contact since the last time he tried to talk me out of legally forcing him to get treatment to see our daughter. Everything about our relationship had mostly become horrendous yet I keep revisiting his morning cuddles and how he caressed me to sleep every night, how we could talk about anything and miss each other if we were apart for even just a few hours, which was that way for 6 years.

The complicity, inside jokes, our hopes and dreams. Fuck. He was my best friend, not just my ex or my daughter's daddy. And he even discarded me 5 times total, mixing in psychological and verbal abuse, cheating, suicide threats, lying, and manipulation in the middle of our ABSOLUTELY adorable and practically perfect life together. What the actual fuck? I can't over the huge mindfuck that this provokes. I can't even blame him, because he's sick. Hell, I even keep trying to snap out of thinking of ways to save him from facing these consecuences daily.

I'm so mentally tired of debating my thoughts and feelings I don't even wanna get out of bed most days. It takes me like at least an hour of me lying with my eyes closed until I can't keep sleeping because I have a daughter to look after and she needs breakfast. I only get through the day so that I can go back to sleep and quiet my mind. It's like a never ending, living nightmare.

I thought it would stop after we broke up, the feeling of living inside a nightmare. I don't even know which feels worse at this point.

My husband was diagnosed last summer after two hospitalizations. He got put onto Oxcarbazapine, Wellbutrin, and Prozac. He was stable for 6-7 months but then had his most recent manic episode a month ago. He smokes 2-3 blunts a day. My whole family tells me I should leave him if he won’t quit smoking. It does seem to make his mania and paranoia worse, but he insists it’s the only way to take the edge off now. Should I stay with him? I’m really considering leaving him.

I am over one month into our break up. Technically, he didn't discard me, as I was the one to break up with him. What I struggle with the most is the guilt.

A couple months ago (around six months into the relationship), I started to feel like something was wrong. There was much emotional distance between us, compounded by the physical distance as we were long-distance. The defensiveness became too frustrating. Stupid things would turn into heated fights. I started to notice the mean and dismissive comments.

I had promised myself that if he made me cry for the third time, I would leave. First time I cried was when he was okay flying back to Georgia without saying goodbye. Second time was on my birthday.

So when I cried for the third time (he had full-on been dismissive of me for two weeks), I broke up with him. Soon after, he stopped me, apologized for being shitty and promised he would fix things. I asked him to reprioritize rest, the relationship and studying, and to call more often.

After a week had passed without a single call, even though he was texting me more, I broke up with him again.

The next night, I called him, apologized and asked for him back. He promised he would be more intentional with planning our quality time together, and I promised that I would be more understanding for his newfound need for space. We agreed to work out a "treatment plan" as recommended in that book about loving someone with bipolar disorder. But he warned me that if I broke up with him one more time, it would be the end forever.

For a couple weeks, things were starting to get better. We would call every night, but he would be working during our calls. Still, I stopped pestering him about his phone addiction and workaholism. But the meanness and coldness kept increasing.

Then the calling stopped. The weekly date nights stopped. I purposefully chose to stop initiating because I would always initiate calls and he would be working during our date nights which frustrated me. I decided not to bring anything up, just to give things time to clear up and to avoid over-communication.

Eventually, I told him I felt lonely and that I missed him. Instead of offering reassurance, he got defensive: busy with studying, hospital rotations, conferences, events, etc. It turned into a fight. He said if I couldn't handle the busy life of a med student, then there was nothing he could do. That if I was unhappy, he was not forcing me to stay with him. He refused to answer my calls, and told me he just wanted to sleep because he had a conference the next day.

So I broke up with him.

One week later, I tried contacting him but he said he'd never loved me as well as other shocking things. We haven't talked since even though I've tried reaching out.

----------------------

Part of me feels guilty. I did break up with him multiple time. What if I didn't? Why didn't it occur to me that he might be going through an episode? I could've supported him, kept an eye on him, double checked that he was still on meds, I could've tried to get him help. Anything.

I hate myself for giving up so easily on him. I should've been stronger, more understanding. I was supposed to be the smart, mature partner. I blame myself for being too sensitive, anxious and weak.

Perhaps he doesn't hate me because of the illness. Perhaps he hates me because I deserve it.

I’m 31F and My ex-BP1 boyfriend is 27M. Our relationship started to unravel shortly after he got officially diagnosed and started Lamotrigine as well as continuing his Zoloft.

Something started changing a couple months ago when we had an argument about me being overwhelmed and concerned that he was only dating me so he could have a stepmom for his children (7M, 6M, and 5F). While I love those kids dearly, they can be a lot because they are in foster care so when they have a few hour visitation with dad they are, expectedly, VERY high-energy and that specific day it seemed like he just left them in the bedroom for me to entertain them while he took excessively long to make food. We didn’t speak for 2 days and he approached a coworker (21F) asking if she was single. When I found out weeks later from other coworkers, he insisted that he just wanted a distraction and he was hurt because he assumed we were broken up. Then he kept interacting with her at work. Stupidly, I kept trusting him at his word that they were just friends. He was becoming emotionally distant with me but we would still hang out at each other’s houses, have sex, took our lunches and breaks together, spent time at a coworker’s house for breakfast, etc.

I discovered today that he was stringing me along this whole time while pursuing something with her.

I think this is the roughest breakup I’ve ever been through. I just feel so stupid for not trusting my gut. I feel used and taken advantage of. He was always talking about how excited he was to move in with me, to the point where I was buying furniture and consoles that we could share.

Now I’m the villain for reaching out to the other woman and providing her with screenshots of him thirsting over a nude I sent last week along with him claiming he loves me, misses me, wants me, and denying that there was anyone else.

I thought she should know because he was manipulating and lying to both of us. She’s young and very sweet and didn’t deserve this. But I can’t shake this feeling that I did…he told me the only reason he stayed with me was because I had a very bad mental health relapse and was considering suicide at the end of June. He held me, called me his person, insisted I go get the help I desperately needed. I’m so gutted to realize this was just some kind of sick performance. I no longer think anything about our relationship was genuine.

I decided to post this because I’m grieving hard, not just for the relationship, but for my sense of self being completely decimated now. I lost my best friend and the chance to help raise those beautiful children. He won’t even apologize or confess that what he did was fucked up. Just accused me of ruining his happiness and keeps telling me I “won”. As if anything about this brutal discard and replacement is some kind of game with any positive outcome for anyone involved.

My boyfriend (25M) and I (24F) have been together for a little over four years. He has always been extremely loving, romantic, affectionate, charismatic, and caring. Our relationship was not perfect. We had some financial stresses, intimacy issues (not enough for him), and he had a problem of getting offended and not addressing it which lead to a lot of resentment.

He has also questioned the relationship twice before, its usually the same scenario randomly coming to me after a great day together with a laundry list of reasons why he’s breaking up with me and leaving. Almost all of these issues were “fixable” they just simply were never addressed. He usually ends up regretting trying to break it off, either same day or a few days later. Overtime this has made me very insecure.

Recently, the most intense “break up” happened.
He told me that he still loves me, but that he does not “like” me right now and does not know whether he wants the relationship anymore. It seems like he’s fighting with himself almost, and even mentioned a “flip switched” in his brain and completely altered everything around him.

At different points, he has said completely contradictory things. He has said he wants to marry me and i’m the only woman he would want in his life forever, that he wants us to work through this, and that he is going to heal. He also said he does not want any relationship right now and doesn’t want me around to “see this”

There is a family history that makes me wonder whether something deeper could be happening. His mother has bipolar disorder, and several of his siblings have different mental health or personality disorders. He also experienced significant childhood trauma.

He has always been very resistant to the possibility that he could have a mental health condition. He describes himself as the “golden child” who has to remain normal and stable for his mother and family.

Looking back over our relationship, I can identify periods where he seems intensely dissatisfied with his entire life and suddenly wants to change everything. He may talk about needing to shake up his life, (wanting to) quit his job, getting tattoos or piercings, trying new drugs, or escaping his responsibilities. He stated that before when he felt like this, he would “run away” from the feeling, move somewhere, make all new friends, quit his job, smoke weed (even tho it made him psychotic) get a new girl but since being in a relationship with me he has tried so hard to be “normal” and resist those urges.

Yet again he broke no contact, said their is something “wrong” with him and he can’t get back to his normal self, he has now scheduled therapy appointment, but he has not been evaluated or diagnosed.

Reading this subreddit has made parts of my experience feel familiar, especially posts about partners suddenly ending relationships seemly randomly, having episodes where he does many impulsive actions, and then other times where he is intensely depressed and numb. Of course many disorders have overlapping symptoms so I won’t know until he get an official diagnosis..

I guess I have no one to talk about this with since I don’t feel comfortable speaking to anyone IRL about his personal issues.

My questions for you all in happy long term relationship with their disordered partner (or those who left):

Is it possible for someone with bipolar disorder to appear stable around certain people? What did that look like in your experience?

For those whose partner began treatment after a crisis, how long did it take before you saw consistent, not perfect, improvement, and what behaviors showed you they were taking recovery seriously?

What made the relationship worth continuing or eventually made you decide it was no longer healthy?

TLDR: My boyfriend of four years has tried to end our relationship three times in a similar pattern: after seemingly good periods, he suddenly presents a long list of unresolved resentments, says he wants to leave, then becomes conflicted and asks for a break instead. This time he said he loves me but does not like me right now, feels emotionally exhausted, cannot be himself, and does not want any relationship, while also saying he wants to marry me someday and work through this. He has significant childhood trauma and a strong family history of bipolar disorder and other mental health conditions, but he has never been diagnosed and has resisted the idea that anything may be wrong. He now believes he may be deeply depressed and has started seeking help. I am trying to understand whether treatment can lead to real stability, what genuine recovery looks like, and how people decide whether staying is healthy or whether the repeated instability is too damaging.

Any diet that helped with biopolar1

I set some boundaries with my bipolar SO and now everything is heavy and shitty and it’s all my fault. 🤦🏻‍♀️

My marriage blew up yesterday, we went to his primary and we were supposed to go to his first psychiatric appointment in years. We didn’t make it to the psychiatrist appointment. 14 years of marriage just blew up in my face. I spent last night in a hotel. Not sure where I’m sleeping tonight. I packed a few things and got the hell out of my house. He said he’ll be out by the first. I left my insulin in the fridge and I don’t even want to go back and get it. Let alone my birth certificate and social security card and passport. This sucks, he finally agreed to go back to the dr and get back on meds and he just blew up 30 mins before the appt. I was so hopeful I thought ok we can get through this. But I can’t anymore I’m tired of being his emotional punching bag. I know this is a rant I’m just numb.

As a partner of a person with bipolar, I found this sub and thought I'd get to share experience and get tips. But I discovered a sub full of people who broke / were discarded with their BPP and are happier now. This kinda scares me, I love my partner on his good days, it's hard on bad days also. I want this to work out, please, are there couples on here that are happy and have found things that helped?

I was discarded two months ago. I’ve learned so much about bipolar since then, and I’m angry with myself for not learning more before.

Looking at my husband’s past patterns, his episodes usually happen in the spring and he comes down. But I’ve never been discarded before.

Do partners usually return when the episode ends, or do they commit to their rewritten version of the relationship?

My BPSO is doing the very common thing on rewriting those closest to him as the problem - his dad and I... But he's also labeling his mother who abused him as a child as a perfect angel because she came in while he was manic psychotic and is affirming his delusions (she has some kind of delusional mental illness herself).

Have you witnessed this with your SO? Does it change when they are stable? I cannot stand the woman who abused him and emotionally is abusing me now being portrayed as a hero.

My husband (45) and I (33) have been married for just over three years. I come from a conservative culture, was a virgin before marriage, and one of the reasons he married me was because he believed I'd never cheat.

Ironically, he later became convinced that I was.

Around the same time, several things happened at once: I started going to the gym, we had ongoing intimacy issues (mostly due to my inexperience and cultural background), I got a job offer that required us to move, and I traveled overseas for three weeks to visit my seriously ill parent. We even argued about one of my gym sessions the day I left because he thought something inappropriate was going on.

When I came back, he told me he believed I had been cheating, became emotionally cold, stopped communicating except about logistics, and filed for divorce. He refused counseling or even discussing the marriage and said his decision was final.

Now I keep wondering if I caused this. Maybe I should have known the lack of intimacy, the move, the gym, or the trip were affecting him more than he let on. But he never told me he was unhappy enough to consider divorce or gave me a chance to work on things before filing.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you stop blaming yourself when you were never given the chance to fix the marriage?

I feel like our relationship just goes in a cycle now. We’ll be fine then something pisses him off and he doesn’t know how to react or talk to me about it so I just feel like I’m getting attacked all day. He’s been off his meds for a while now, he keeps saying that he wants help and even made the call to the doctors yesterday. But idk what to believe anymore. I just feel like it’s getting so hard for me to stay. He called me ableist yesterday for trying to explain how I felt when he agreed to do something but then didn’t do or I had to do it because it was something I needed done. He also has ADHD and Autism and had meds for his ADHD and we moved so he’s needing a new doctor. It’s just a lot ya know. Constantly feeling unappreciated and idk I feel like his episodes are always taken out on me. The other day he was having a mental breakdown but I’ve been through so many of these with him I just was so scared and shut down and I didn’t know what to do. He just got mad at me because I wasn’t there for him. I’m sorry I’m not there when you constantly threaten to hurt yourself at a certain point you can’t just say those things to me, I almost called the police but he suddenly calmed down and it scared me even more. I’m afraid he’s cheating on me again, I don’t have any proof towards that right now but it just feels off again, yesterday he was telling me he’s starting not to care and I’m not sure what I can do with that. I’ve been trying so hard for so long. I’ve been the one trying to rebuild and renew and it just always feels like a slap in my face. I know everyone is gonna tell me to leave that’s it’s not worth it that I can find someone who would treat me the way I deserve. I know. And that’s why I’m writing this because I know but there’s just a lot of stuff holding me back right now (money, car, housing) and I thought this would be a good place to get it out. Thank you

I am bipolar 1.. I have a few questions if anyone feels like talking with me. This thread is so saddening and I feel like I’m just looking into my future. I could NEVER imagine treating my husband this way.

For those of you that talk about being discarded.. were there signs leading up to this? I can’t imagine ever dropping my husband like that but seeing how it’s the same trend with all of you really scares me. I had no idea the “running” thought was so common with bipolar people. I sometimes feel overwhelmed and feel that way but I’m a stay at home mom with 3 kids under 6, and we live rurally and my car has been broken down for half a year so I feel like these feelings are a little justified. It can be really hard in my mind to discern if I’m being rational in the things that i feel, and it all feels so deep of course.

Do you feel therapy has truly helped your SO long term or no?

Honestly this thread has been eye opening.
At first I was offended but came back again because I feel like it can help me stay accountable for my husband, and see the things he’s probably too worried to say to me.

I'm wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar.

My husband has Bipolar I, and within what felt like a very short time, he went from talking about our future together to filing for divorce.

What's been hardest is how different our communication has been. My messages have been emotional, I apologized for my part in our relationship, told him I loved him, and asked for one more chance/reconcilation, promising to work on my communication and our marriage. His messages became very matter-of-fact, focusing on moving out, logistics, and that his decision was final. Since filing, he has barely spoken to me. He's so COLD and emotionless with me.

The emotional disconnect has been devastating. It feels like I'm grieving the marriage while he's already emotionally checked out.

Has anyone else's bipolar partner become this emotionally detached before or during a divorce? Did you ever get an explanation, or did they remain convinced divorce was the only option?

I’m sorry I held you back from being “free” and your “best” self.

I’m sorry I was “controlling” for having boundaries after you cheated.

I’m sorry you wanted your life back while avoiding my pain you had inflicted.

I’m sorry my emotional stability wasn’t “love” - not the “high” you needed.

I’m sorry I loved you, cared for you, and would’ve died for you.

I’m sorry I didn’t want you hanging around people who - as expected - brought you back to alcohol and drug use.

I’m sorry me not wanting you to drink or smoke because of the subsequent mania was “controlling and toxic” of me.

I’m sorry I un-proposed to you after you hurt me, while you only cared about getting your ring back instead of addressing your issues.

I’m sorry I woke you up because you overslept work again.

I’m sorry you couldn’t live or sit with the guilt you had created.

I’m sorry your family is trapped in addiction, and me expressing concern for your behavior was “judgmental” of me.

I’m sorry the “miscarriage” you had with your prior partner was actually an abortion--I would’ve accepted either.

I’m sorry I loved you so much that you decided to rewrite our history, like the guy before me who you were with for less than a year and pregnant with his child.

I’m sorry our 3 years weren’t “exciting” and that I didn’t accept your bad behavior.

I'm sorry that I was brave and mature during our breakup, and you couldn't honor our 3 years together and show up for me during the last time I needed you.

I’ll never be sorry that I loved you.

Or that I finally walked away.

The love I gave you is who I am.

It didn't return to me. But it is me.

I hope you find peace.

My husband of 8 years left. Has fallen in love with someone else. His medication changed and he changed. We were trying for a baby, suddenly he didn’t want to become a father, and now he has a new girlfriend, who apparently is also bipolar.

Can someone tell me I dodged a bullet? Im devastated. Who does this???