premise: this is the one night a year that premarital sex is legal

huh????? straight people wanna be oppressed so bad. this is WEIRD

I've been questioning myself for a good couple of years but it just didn't feel right to give myself a particular label. Sure, I find much of the a-spec relatable but what if I'm a late bloomer or if I'm just trying really hard to be queer when I'm actually just straight? I know that's harmful thinking and if someone else were to say that I would knock those thoughts down. I guess I feel like an exception.

I'm always wondering at what age should I have felt attraction by and how often should it occur to be considered allo and not grey ace.

For reference I am 21 and haven't felt sexual attraction before and no significant crushes. So I'm curious to find out what everyone's turning point was.

I (25M)need some advice (and vent a little).

So my Bisexual sister (27) got engaged last December to her girlfriend of course I was super excited for her, but now it feels like one of the worst things in my life. I am aro/ace and have never been in a relationship in my life.

My parents have always been super accepting but my grandparents are a little old-fashioned,and although they have no problem with my sister marrying a woman they are now breathing down my neck to get married and as they put it make sure the family name is not lost. I am the only male from my generation which makes it even worse. I now have to Tell them at each family event that it is just not going to happen. But it's like they have a selective memory. According to them I just haven't met right person yet.

Now I really don't know what to do it's been half a year and they just won't give up.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes English is not my first language.

I'm writing this because I really have no one else to talk about it, and it's being a BIG problem in my life :/

I've been in a 5 year-long relationship with a straight guy. He is my first and only boyfriend, even though I've kissed both men and women before him. Ever since, we've had a lovely, calm and peaceful relationship, but this problem appeared and I'm suffering a lot.

At the beginning of our relationship, I was pretty clear about my asexuality, explained how I felt and even told him that maybe we would never have sexual experiences, because I didn't know when and IF i would ever be ready. But he decided to stay, saying that we could work on this together, and didn't pressure me at all.

After one year, we lost our virginity with each other, it was all consensual and I could appreciate it and felt great romantic connection. [But of course it didn't change who I am, I understand that asexual individuals can enjoy sex with their partners in many different ways.]

As the years passed, we had other experiences, like once every 1-2 months, and I felt really respected. But then, I don't know what changed.

It's been some time since he has been trying to do something EVERY time we see each other, and when I try to say no, he insists a lot until he gives up, then gets frustrated and apathetic the rest of the day.

He also suddenly got too jealous and possessive, saying he's afraid I will cheat on him because he didn't feel wanted when I deny his advances. He says he has frequent dreams about me kissing another guy in front of him or stuff like that, and it makes me feel really guilty.

I started doing it even when I didn't want it, because I didn't want to hurt him or let things get awkward the whole day. But its been a pure torture to me.

One day, I got really drunk at my house and experienced memory gaps. The day after, he confessed that ** me, and i dont remember a thing☹️.

I don't know what truly happened. He said I was talking a bit, not passed out, but I think it was obvious to notice I was NOT able to consent.

He said he thinks I secretly like it, but don't relax enough to enjoy it when sober...

I don't know what to do, because I love him so much but I'm feeling a bit abused by those behaviors. I understand that he has a strong sexual necessity that im neglecting, but how can I, being asexual, keep a relationship with someone that much sexual?

I’m asexual and aromantic (complete lack of interest in sex, complete lack of interest in romance, no attraction to anyone whatsoever).

I have absolutely no libido. I don’t masturbate, never watch adult content, don’t read smut. All I do every day is research scientific topics of interest.

I’m totally okay with this, but I’ve read that whilst it’s a normal variation of human sexuality to be asexual and aromantic, that the lack of libido is pathological in nature.

Is my lack of libido really pathological if it doesn’t bother me?

I tried to stimulate a libido in the past, even involving myself in long distance relationships (long distance gave me safety due to trauma). I wanted to experiment slowly to see if I could conjure something up- but nothing. There’s nothing there.

So at this point I'm pretty sure I'm at least ace-spec somehow. However, sometimes in a romantic situation where there's a lot of sensation, for example if I'm kissing someone while she's lying on top of me, I'm wrapped up in her arms and overwhelmed, or cuddling pressed really close together at a certain angle, I'll end up with the mild sensation of arousal. Once or twice after a partner brushed up against me a certain way I actually kind of wanted to move my hips against her or something. But it still feels so... disconnected, I guess? Like when I have real romantic attraction to someone I feel very strongly about it, I want to hug them and kiss them and be dumb domestic lovebirds, all that stuff. I generally won't want to have sex with them, it's not something I desire and most of the time I really don't like the idea of it. But I guess with the proximity sometimes I still get turned on? And then there's just the physiological stuff and an urge to move to ease the discomfort, but I feel like it's only physical. There's no draw to the person in front of me specifically, nor any desire for more than brief friction through clothes. It's weird and it's really frustrating. I wish my heart could enjoy all aspects of romance without worrying about the opinions of the damned rest of me. I'm quite confused by it and it's really the only thing giving pause to just say I'm fully ace outright. I tend to doubt and overthink labels a lot, it's an OCD thing. Sorry if this post is TMI or just seems pointless. I'm going down the speculation spiral so I thought I might as well just ask you.

I’m asexual with a romantic attraction to women, i live in a country that is extremely religious and same sex relationships are nonexistent, I don’t mind since romantic relationships aren’t my thing and i never felt the need for a romantic partner. I do want to be loved but it’s not a necessity to me

However, I’ve always known that i am not attracted to men, not physically or romantically hell not even as friends I can’t stand them ( men from my country) and since I started my big girl job my family expects me to get married soon, to a man
The process is a random woman will call my mother and ask id she has girls in the age range her son wants and my mother will agree and suddenly i have a fiancé
For three years now I’ve been turning down all the “suitors” my mom would bring and not think about it, but she’s been pressuring me about the subject way too much telling me I’m going to be old soon and no one will ever want me anymore, I tried to tell her my reasons without telling her about the asexual stuff

Problem is she genuinely believes marriage is for one reason only : having kids
Now i have always known my whole life that I don’t want to have my own kids, get pregnant or even have sex, i see it in a very animalistic way and panic just thinking about it. She doesn’t get it she even told me i can get married to have a couple of kids then get divorced.

I don’t believe in the concept of marriage or the religion my family practices but I cannot say that to them or it will cost me my life, to be honest I consider taking myself out of here to avoid having this conversation again
They will never understand my point of view and will never accept me as i am, so I don’t know what to do anymore, every time the subject is brought up I immediately start crying uncontrollably and get super depressed and suicidal but no one takes it seriously

I don’t have enough money to leave for even a week, i even considered marrying a gay man to protect both of us but I don’t trust men enough to do that, they always press for children to “prove their manhood” and i will be stuck with a man and a child i hate and just be nothing like the rest of my bloodline.

If you have any advice please share, English isn’t my first language sorry for any mistakes.

25M dating 25M for four years. We fucked when our relationship was new, but then we fell out of the habit. I was wondering if anything had changed between us and he said he wasn't sure if he liked having sex at all. It took me a little while to think through it but I don't think I mind. I still like our relationship and I'm not really interested in having sex with anyone besides my partner - and if he's not interested, neither am I.

I'm a very sex-favorable person and if my partner wanted to have sex I'd be super down, but I also think that if he never wanted that again, I'd be completely okay with that too. I feel more strongly about wanting to build a life with him.

Does anyone else here have a relationship like this? Has it worked out? I can really see a future for us but I don't want to kid myself if I'm ignoring a big incompatibility.

How do I tell if I'm on the Asexual spectrum or not? I can't tell if Im adverse to the concept of sex because I just don't like it, or if its because I'm inexperienced and grew up in a house that demonized it. If I start identifying as Ace, try it one day, and decide I like it, does that make me a liar even if it was by accident? My therapist and best friend have been raising questions about it and I dont really know. I make all these jokes and I look at select media (mostly artistic media cause live action looks gross to me), but the idea of actually doing it is off putting, and I hate even simple things like kissing. It just seems squishy and messy and for lack of a better word, gross. Someone please help I'm so frustrated😭

I didn't know if this needed an NSFW warning or not cause it mentions the icky sticky, but not in detail so idk but better safe than sorry.

So what's that exactly? Ace people don't feel it, demi only for chosen ones, allo feel it for many people? I read those posts on reddit and wonder do I ever felt it really? People talking about their lovers and listing all physical stuff about them that they find attractive. From lips to genitals and I never really looked at a guy, even when I was in love, and thought how I want to see his thing or do him. I thought he's attractive (I really thought that after I fell in love, before I found him 'not bad') and rest was about feeling. Like sure I noticed he's fit, he's gonna be bald when older (he said it, it did look like it, I decided that even tho I like hair on head it's not obligatory once I'm in love), pretty eyes.. and one thing I like in man, and as I was in love with him I found that attractive, the chest hair. But that's all. I wasn't thinking about his exact body parts and thinking they're so great and make me wanna do him. Since I never saw it I can't really tell if I'd find my love's genitals beautiful, lol. Does all of this still count as sexual attraction if I think I wanted to do that with that one on some point..?

Sorry in advance for the strange wording, as English is not my native language.

Asexuals may have libido, but do not need to direct it where and to whom, that is, asexuals do not have sexual attraction. I can feel it very clearly, although it's very strange. How do you describe such a phenomenon and do you have it at all?

I’m an 18 yo female, and I’m questioning not for the first time whether I’m asexual

I’ve never had the desire to have sex with anyone else - sure I find people attractive, but the thought of male genitalia just grosses me out and I lowkey don’t want it anywhere near me

The only thing is is that I occasionally dabble with porn (in written form bc again the visuals gross me out), and then I feel super guilty about it afterward and I feel like I’m disgusting and all the sorts

I’m not saying I’m completely against having sex, maybe it’s because I’ve never had it that makes me dislike the thought of it (and maybe the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend (by choice)) but idk, I’m really confused man

And should I feel guilty about the porn?? If I’m being honesty sometimes I read GIF fics just for the GIFs, but after a minute they just gross me out so idkkkk😭

Another thing is is that I had free reign of the internet when I was a kid, meaning I exposed myself to pornographic material WAYY too early on, which I’m pretty sure has led me to being hyper sexual.

Some advice or anything would be great - I just gotta know if I’m normal😭😭

Warning for Sex House spoilers below, but the entire series is like two hours total to finish and it's over a decade old at this point, so I can't imagine it matters too much. This is partly infodump, partly wanting to hear from other acespecs who watched it.

Randomly remembered Sex House and decided to go rewatch it. For anyone out of the loop, Sex House was a ten episode web-series released by The Onion about 14 years ago, and it's a satire of the reality TV that was really popping at the time. It mostly plays on the one-note archetypes participants are often encouraged to lean into, and also makes commentary on the lack of protections and regulations for workers in reality TV in the States. A lot of the absurd conditions they joke about the character's being kept in the series just ended up being real things that also happened years later on actual reality TV shows that have a similar 'sex sells' premise, like Love Island. Also, there's an interpretation for Plato's allegory of the cave in the overarching story.

It was a real weird show, but I love it since I grew up watching a lot of reality TV and it puts into art a lot of the ethical concerns with the medium's production. And an element that sticks out to me is The Host of the show, who pretty much fulfills his role as a soulless, uncaring, and self-obsessed reality TV producer. He's apathetic to the suffering of the participants on the show, and he just wants them to have sex and get it over with for the sake of ratings, resorting to holding promises of prizes and healthy food over their heads after starving them, and eventually attempting to drug them.

He is canonically and explicitly asexual. One of the contestants tries hitting on him and he awkwardly rejects her twice on the basis of his asexuality. It's so bizarre going back to watch this show from 2012 and seeing asexuality acknowledged and identified with verbally, and I'm really fascinated with him as a character because of this.

He is most certainly not the best representation that could have happened. He's the villain of the show, and reading through the comments' interpretation of him as a character is an activity that I would not recommend because most of it is aphobic in nature.

But I also feel like his asexuality was meant to have a thematic relevance in the show beyond the irony of an ace and sex-averse man being a producer on a television series that exploits and sells the characters' sexualities. One commenter I saw speculated on the producers not understanding the nature behind why people have sex, or what sex even is; they just know that people like to have it and people want to watch it, and they prioritize it as a means to an end with the desired result ultimately being profit. I think having an asexual character in a premise like this one is an interesting way to explore the voyeuristic nature of sex on TV and the artificial ways showrunners try to instigate it.

I know I just yapped for five paragraphs straight, but I want to hear other acespecs chiming in with their thoughts since this show is my current hyperfixation and I simply won't be able to stop thinking about it. Y'all got any strong thoughts on this character or his concept?

i dont know if its the right place to do it because im new to it, but im 27M soon 28 in a few months, i like guys emotionally, but i dont wanna have sex with anyone. I did have a bf before, but i never got horny or even felt anything everytime we would do it. i always had to pretend to enjoy it. i came to believe something was wrong with me. It doesnt bother me to get intimate w the guy i love whenever he wants but other than that i am totally uninterested in sex. and it has always been a big problem for me. As someone who sensitive and more into emotions, relationships have always been scary for me as i can see how people just treat sex as something casual and do it with litteraly anyone, that makes me stressed and anxious to be in a relationship. Does anyone experiences this too ?

Growing up, anything involving sex, nudity, or even basic attraction made me wildly uncomfortable. Being overly religious with severe OCD, made normal things feel like a taboo. My brain basically conditioned me to treat normal human desires like toxic waste.

I’ve done a lot of work on my mindset over the years, but intimacy still feels like uncharted territory for me.
The hardest part right now is the sheer insecurity of feeling so far behind. Things that most people do automatically like masturbating, having casual nsfw thoughts, or daydreaming about someone they find hot, literally didn't happen for me. I didn't even realize how differently my brain was wired compared to my peers until my mid-20s.

Now I’m turning 30, and the total lack of experience is giving me major anxiety. I’m also very angry and grieving. I feel cheated out of normal teenage and 20s milestones that everyone else got to take for granted while I was stuck in my own head.

I just feel my life could have been different if I wasn’t like this growing up. I feel so behind in life and don’t know what to do, I feel stuck.

21 F
I get crushes very rarely because I’m mostly surrounded by women and I’m pretty sure I’m more men-leaning lol. I can count on my fingers the times I had a proper crush on a person (which is two). Both times though I knew nothing about them pretty much and having ocd makes is very… weird. It’s not quite a crush more so an overwhelming obsession run by limerence. Do these crushes count though?

I’m trying to figure out things about myself sorry if this isn’t a place it’s just I rarely find guys attractive (the physical attraction evaporates as soon as I realise that they’re a douche or our values couldn’t not align less). Though I’m unbelievably touch starved and live off fanfiction and daydreaming, and that makes me an absolute freak ON THEORY.

The whole “asexuals write the best fanfics” thesis made me spiral. Maybe it’s my ocd again IDK I JUST WANNA TALK WITH SOMEONE

Hi, I’m not really a Reddit user, so forgive me if this post doesn’t follow the typical conventions of what a Reddit post is supposed to be. I’m trying to figure out if I’m on the asexuality spectrum or if I just have a low libido. Here’s a rundown of my sexuality, or lack thereof:

I'm completely happy in my life feels totally whole, even without sex. It's not that I don't want sex, it's just that I'm perfectly happy without including it. It’s the same with a romantic relationship (don’t know if this means I’m on the aromantic spectrum too🤷‍♀️). Like I genuinely don’t understand how some people view it as a need. Yes, it would be a plus if I found the love of my life, but if I died without having found them, I would be perfectly at ease and at peace with it and very happy with my life regardless. Same if I lived the rest of my life celibate. It’s not that I don’t like sex, because I do, it stimulates pleasurable areas of my body, but most of the time I forget about it when I’m not in a relationship. It’s like a fancy dessert or luxury spa, it’s nice, but I don’t need it in my life to be perfectly content. The thing is, I feel sexual attraction towards people, but I can ignore it, and it doesn’t feel like this need that I have to fulfill. In fact, I wouldn’t really want to have a higher libido because it seems distressing to have your body take control of you like that and insist on sex often. I don’t care for genitals, they are just a tool to stimulate pleasure for me, and I would prefer not to look at or touch them. I don’t pleasure myself often, don’t have fantasies, have never watched or had an interest in watching p*rn, don’t fantasize about anyone when I do pleasure myself, I’m just doing it to stimulate areas of my body that provide pleasure, and I am totally okay with that. So, I want to hear from people with lived experience, does it sound like I could be on the sexuality spectrum? If this kind of post is not allowed, I’m happy to delete it :)

I have a lot of BDSM related things I want to explore with others in real life. The problem is I have no idea where to find people like this + I will admit I think a lot of things I want to explore with people who are like 40+ as a 22 year old and I think it's going to be difficult to find someone who fits both demographics. I feel really lost 😭 I know fetlife exists but it's extremely sex focused it seems and I don't want anything sexual at all. One of the biggest things I want to explore, I really want a parent (or parents) + daughter dynamic as part of it but the closest thing to that is agere except I don't want to age regress as part of it, at least if I did it wouldn't be anything really young so I don't really feel like that's my thing. Unless I'm misinformed and agere doesn't have to involve talking like a kid, pacifiers etc and that's just what most people do? Idek. For many years I've fantasised about being really emotionally close to older men and women who treats me like a daughter.

Disclaimer: I am only posting it here because I am only asexual and I don't know how others under the umbrella agree with these points, and I don't want to voice them when I'm only asexual

1. I feel like not enough characters are asexual or aromantic, or any others under the umbrella and instead, they are aroace. I don't have an issue with them being aroace, but I do feel like writers use it to avoid understanding the difference between the two. This then means the writers don't show issues people under the umbrella may encounter .

2. I feel like whenever a character is under the umbrella, they are mainly written that way because they don't have a love interest, and the fact that they are is only briefly mentioned or mentioned in some random interview. I want to see more asexual characters with a love interest, and I want them to explore it properly to help people gain an understanding of what it actually means.

I wish to know other peoples thoughts on this whether this is just a me issue or something others have noticed, and I'm trying to say less aroace representation. I wish to see more, but also more asexual characters. I am new here, so if this is a common point and you are fed up with hearing it, I will remove this post if you ask. I could also imagine some characters are good representations, but I just wish this became normal for characters under the umbrella.

I've always been queer, and used to call myself aro/ace, but frankly I think I forced the "sexual" part of things onto myself. "It", feeling it, and experiencing it, makes me actually physically ill. I feel like vomiting. It's not that I don't want it, and I do naturally feel it, but it makes me violently ill. I feel the same way with either gender I'm attracted to. Is it Asexuality? Or is something physically wrong with me?

I have been in a relationship for a couple years now and we currently are living together. My sex drive has been something ive always struggled with and never could seem to understand. If tomorrow I was told I could never have sex again I wouldn't be hung up over it.

I was raised very conservative and religious (i am not by any means religious) but having the thought drilled into me that sex is disgusting etc etc has really effected my outlook on it from the beginning. I have never really been a sexual person, nor has my mental health been affected by the lack of. If anything sexual things, even in media, makes me disgusted and uncomfortable. I avoid media or jokes that are in any way sexual like a virus.

TW background info

I have been in a few sexually abusive relationships before this current one. I was diagnosed with PTSD and have to attend specialized therapy for my past relationships.

End of TW

Now that I am in a very serious long term relationship I see it effecting it horrifically and I feel like I am at a point of no return. My partner is more sexually active than me and the lack of it really makes my partner crumble mentally. I feel guilty that I am less sexual and how poorly they feel. In the beginning I thought they were understanding but after a while of arguing and now feeling like I am something broken that needs to be fixed im not sure if I can "fix my sexuality".

I feel very depressed, unheard, and lost. I have so many questions and feel alone. Am i asexual or something else??? Do I need to fix myself?? Is my relationship doomed to fail? I feel like i am the problem and im at my breaking point. Im not even sure what I should ask anymore.

Hi all,

First ever post on this account do be kind. My first post i want to talk about is this, its been a lot to digest, physically and also emotionally. Done a lot of research but now just have got the courage to ask. My wife (37 F) and I (33 M) have been together for 8 years, we have a young daughter (1 F).

Similar to almost any relationship, things were great, we clicked not just mentally but physically. An as time passed, things slowed down a bit and we matured into our relationship. Weve always talked, no secrets kept and we know each other very well. Over the course of the last 3 years, I noticed a change in my wife's behaviour when it came to bedroom activities.

Like all men should, respected my wife if she stated she wasnt in the mood or just wasn't right timing. After a while of constant no's, I asked the question. What's going on? This is when it came to light that she had been hiding that she was Asexual and not keen on sex (I know theres a term for this but cant remeber it now) and only really did it to satisfy me.

We talked a great deal, a lot of pent up emotions from her which I listened to, to understand, to see from her side of things, the reasons and the overall thought process. As noted at the very start, ive only just now got the courage to ask others. Personally I felt lied too that she had hid it all this time and that we also had our daughter during this. Betrayal maybe? But also she knew from the very offset I had said my libido is high. Which now makes me feel like trash knowing she was only doing it for my satisfaction.

My ask is this, how do I move forward? What can i ask? How did you get round this yourselves?' Because we have discussed my needs, her needs, our daughter and our relationship. Divorce isnt an option for us, Open relationship is off the cards, I love her dearly and her, I also. Our daughter means everything to us. Yet our relationship has taken a hit, not a major one, but you know something just isnt the same. I dont want to ask for sex and I feel dreadful, even thinking to ask this from her. Masturbation isnt the same. I dont want celibacy but I dont want to put my wife in a situation shes not happy with.

I love my wife, but I am at a loss. Advice please.

What's your equivalent to romantic fanatics and could you suggest me some?

(Note: I know some might still like conventional romantic fanfics im talking about those who dont)