TL;DR right below. I wrote so many hours at night and now still patching during the next day, that I'll just post this as it is. I'm writing this mainly for myself to understand the whole timeline of my addiction, and to share my thoughts and reflections right now if it is of value to anyone else here. Post is a very long disorganized autobiography from my addiction's perspective, probably full of missing details and repeated patterns. As life sometimes is:)

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TL;DR:
I grew up with early experiences of shame around sexuality, exposure to sexual material at a young age, family instability, and later ADHD-related impulsivity. Porn and sexual validation became ways of coping with loneliness, stress, feeling not enough, and difficult emotions. I’ve spent over 10 years trying to understand and improve my relationship with porn through therapy, openness, periods of abstinence, and self-reflection, with some long streaks but also recurring relapses, especially during times of stress, isolation, or changes in routine. After two long relationships and years of trying to “fix” myself, I am now trying to learn how to be alone, not seek validation through sexuality, and understand whether recovery for me means complete abstinence, better balance, or something else entirely. This post is mainly a reflection on my journey and where my mind is at right now.

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First memory of sexual shame. I remember in kindergarten during nap time someone told in a shaming way that I was touching my private parts. I remember that just I needed to go to the toilet very badly. My parents divorced when I was very young, and I lived half a year away from my mum when I was 4. I feel like around that time I also discovered some form of masturbating, which I remember doing almost always when I felt left alone, which happened probably daily whenever I was in my dad's, because he would do long meditation sessions during the day. (Now thinking those moments might have triggered alarms in my attachment system already then, which led to self-soothing)

Somehow I always felt that what I did was wrong, maybe because of that comment in the kindergarten.

Visual stimulation came around 6 yrs old when I found some Gossip Magazines in the toilet. Somehow I really felt the visual stimulation strongly. I remember browsing them and "chasing" the right looking picture (usually some paparazzi pics of celebs in swimwear or comics with adult-minded illustrations). This habit started to happen almost every time I needed the toilet, especially if no one else was home.

First encounter with porn was around 9 years old when some ripped adult magazine pages were found near the schoolyard, I remember it felt scary and not wanting to look at those, one image I "accidentally" saw was something that I thought was very confusing and I didn't understand at all what was happening and how it was possible. I remember thinking of it quite a bit, just trying to understand. around 10 years old probably the first time I heard that there is a way to find stuff in google search, internet era was still quite early. I remember watching hot music videos on TV for stimulation (I remember my mom shaming someone who did that exact thing). I also found some random mobile game site for the first internet nokia phones, and came across some free adult themed games. Also a friend introduced Chatroulette and I started to be curious about seeing girls (which probably never happened). Around that time I also was exposed to people having sex in public. They didn't realize that me and my friends were nearby (happened in the nature). I never told my parents because I felt I had done something illegal by seeing them, like the police would come for me. I wanted to avoid being judged by my parents. 

I kind of grew into the internet porn era, watching more and more through my puberty. My inner world was very much focused sexual thoughts all the time and I felt lots of fear and shame towards it. I felt like it is against my "values", and I was usually angry towards other boys who would shamelessly objectify girls. I also developed anxieties about my body and appearance due to some experiences during adolescence. I was ashamed and afraid that I had mutilated myself – partly true, because I had too much imagination and engaged in risky ways to try new things when alone. I was always too skinny and bullied for it during secondary school. Sometimes I felt okay because I had visible abs, but going into the adulthood I really started wanting to change, I felt like most of my peers were more developed, couldn't help but to compare. Still feel like I have underdeveloped bone structure because of not eating enough as a kid. 

I remember hoping to have sexual encounters from 13 years old on, but I was quite shy to pursue those ideas. I used to like hanging out with mostly girls, but I built some sorts of friendships instead of ever thinking I could go further. I remember having quite many different "friend circles", where I was the only boy hanging out with some girl besties I found in some ways attractive. I remember having crushes on a bit older girls who were in some difficult love life situations. Feeling the acceptance of being funny and trustworthy was enough for me. Now thinking, that I enjoyed the feeling when someone could open up for me more than their boyfriend. I used to start carrying condoms when I was around 15 hoping that something might happen. Stories of my other guy friends' experiences were bugging and intriguing me at the same time.

Maybe luckily, I only lost my virginity to my first long term gf when I was 18. By that time I already thought that I don't want porn in my life, and managed to abstain from it during the first half a year of the relationship. I remember feeling often very bad about my sexual performance, also I feel like I put a lot of pressure on her just to feed my addictive behaviors. I felt very easily rejected or that I'm not enough, if I didn't get it when I felt the need. I didn't tell her about my addiction, but I remember occasionally lusting (hate to admit) over other girls and eventually started consuming porn more and more. She was quite insecure herself and it presented as jealousy. I always felt triggered by it because I felt that I was really trying to be a good boyfriend, while and at the same time felt a sting because I knew inside that I had so much intrusive thoughts that I was fighting. Some times when alcohol was involved I would get a bit too close with other girls but on a way that I still thought was only "friendly". But in all honesty I was fooling myself as well. I had been craving some sort of freedom quite often, mostly to fulfill fantasies. Around 20 years old I broke up during a period of personal struggle, and too soon after I went clubbing with a friend who I kind of always hated for being so openly sexualizing everything. Well, the night ended how probably my impulsive subconscious wanted and he was the wingman for me getting a rebound. I also had some other one night stands during the coming months which I regretted having afterwards.

After these few months we got back together and I decided to be better. I told her about my struggles, and it was the first time I told anyone about my problems with porn. I had just turned 21. Basically for the first time I really tried to be porn free actively. It didn't last long, and in a way I felt the urges only getting only stronger when trying to suffocate them. The relapses happened usually during work trips when I was alone in some Airbnb or hotel. I unfortunately never managed to tell her about the relapses and my progress kind of was going back and forth. Things got more difficult when I moved to another country for studies. I had occasional good streaks, which lasted around 2-3 months but they always ended when there was more stress and triggers. Eventually I felt that I can't continue like that and broke up during quite a bad patch of consuming.  There were of course other factors, but I'll stick to the perspective of my addiction. 7+ years together (with the break in the middle) ended, leaving me very empty. I never told her that I didn't manage to conquer my addiction, which she maybe thought I did already after our break. But the very next day after breaking up I wanted to get better and fix everything for myself, and hopefully regain the relationship as the man I wanted to be. I booked my first ever therapy appointment and started digging into my childhood and difficult relationship to parents. 

I thought it would be a good idea to stay a couple weeks no contact and I tried to fix as much as I could during that time – I was in some sort of a hyper panic fix-everything-mode, and not really even realizing the actual break up. After those weeks we had a longer talk and she made it clear there's no going back, and the realization of the break up really hit me hard. I was really sad and angry that I lost the love only because of my difficult time growing up, and felt that it was my parents fault. I still kept working on myself and my "sober" streak was going on but I fell into the hole of wanting to feel validated and went on tinder. I went on a date a bit too soon. Nothing happened then, but the need for sexual validation started to get on my head too much. At the same time I even told some of my friends about trying to be pornfree, and I managed quite well, maybe 6 months. But during that time I found myself in a weird toxic fwb situation, and later some short romances. I still tried to have some restraints towards sexual acts, so the romances were quite complicated for me, but still I feel my brain didn't "reset" properly enough. I really wish I stayed just by my self for a while. I never had more than 1 month of really not pursuing any "validating" connection. At least during that time I somehow did the therapy and learned more about myself. Also the therapy helped me to connect more with my parents for tie first time, we had proper talks where they would actually listen. 

About one year after the break up I got to know a woman I thought I would want to pursue a relationship with. I really was crushing hard, completely missed all of the red flags. For example she had a partner but told that they're on a break and she's about to break up with him for good. She was sexually hyperactive and I thought that suits me well, until I realized she was only playing me. I was left heartbroken. I still tried to get her after that very disrespectful treatment and just got hurt once more. Straight after that I bumped into a woman I had fancied some years earlier when I was still in a relationship. We were in a party and eventually started making out maybe a bit too enthusiastically in front of everyone, afterwards I felt very ashamed. We saw each other once again in another party setting, went a bit further that time and after that I decided to ask her for a date. For me that was a decision to start pursuing a serious relationship with her, and two months later she became my second long term girlfriend. 

I wanted to do things better this time around. I told about my difficulties with porn, and also reflected the struggles of the previous relationship and jealousy. And wanted to maintain a very open communication. She seemed very open and understanding, telling me jokingly we could both check other women together since she's bi. Apparently all that was not completely true, she only wanted to make me feel good about our relationship during the honeymoon phase. One time had too much alcohol during some partying together, and she was worried because the situation was reminding her of her drug abusive ex. Maybe a week later I went out with a friend and once again got a bit too drunk, and we ended up hanging out with some random girls. Being drunk allowed me to foolishly think that it was okay since we didn't do anything besides her sitting close to me while just hanging out. After that evening I wanted to tell my gf what happened because I didn't want anything like that to happen again. I also felt the weight of similar things happening in the previous relationship and never telling about those, wanting to be better this time. She got very upset (rightly so ofc), but I felt also confused because I only wanted to do the right thing of telling her to show that I'm serious about being open and trustworthy. We really didn't do anything sexual, I knew that I would never go further, cheating never crossed my mind. I was just drunk enough to think that the level of closeness would be ok. I realized that drinking alcohol had often led me to lose my own values and boundaries, and to prove my trustworthiness I stopped drinking alcohol completely. However, damage had been already done and this situation triggered her jealous tendencies. Later on I would feel her getting distressed if I would just go to hang out with friends. Sometimes the jealousy was way over the line, but I felt that I deserved it, and kept just trying to be better. 

We both had some anxiety here and there and tried to support each other through the difficult patches. Looking back, the whole beginning of the relationship was built too much on intensity, and I think we both ended up tying ourselves in different ways to feel safety through control. We moved in together at the 7 month mark. 9 months into the relationship, I had a working trip, she got upset of us not staying in contact enough, which triggered in me some traumas of the previous relationship and I went on an instagram doomscrolling spree, and relapsed. There had been a danger of relapses happening already earlier in similar situations. I'm not saying it was her fault, but I just have realized that a major trigger is when I feel extreme level of guilt and that I'm not enough, especially when I've been in an highly stimulating/stressful work environment and suddenly alone. I didn't tell her about the relapse, had some good streaks but ended up falling slowly into the old habits during that year. It was getting more and more frequent, eventually I would be so miserable that it made her ask what's up and I came clean. By that time we had lived together for 1 year. Her world shattered and so it felt for me as well. I tried to soothe and comfort her and told her how sorry I was and that I had wished to tell her sooner, but just couldn't, because I already felt the weight of the previous time I hurt her. 

I wanted to start a good streak and we started together to count days. She felt so disgusted that she wouldn't be able to do anything physical for some time. I thought that would be a perfect opportunity to try nofap hard mode and to actually be celibate (while still living together). I also started therapy once more with the hopes of digging more into my sexual compulsions. Also I got my ADHD diagnosis which I had often suspected. Around the 3 month mark I was again on a trip and started to feel the urge but resisted. I started taking the ADHD meds, and sometimes I would notice the meds increasing my impulsivity, hyper focusing too much on sexual ideas. Stopped the meds. After a 7 months porn free streak + first time doing months of not masturbating at all, the relapses started again. The problem started when I felt the need for sexual acts (again in these stressful work environments), but didn't feel the needs matched with my partner. I think our celibacy may have ended too early, after 3 months of actual celibacy, and my sexual brain didn't again have enough time to "reset". The bad cycle often started with me fooling myself by looking softer content which was accessible even with blockers, eventually realizing too late that I'm relapsing. I would come clean to her every now and then and she got better and better at not taking it personally. 

After 1,5 years of actively fighting this together but not getting longer results she gave me an ultimatum to take a clear new step, so I took part in SAA meeting. Unfortunately that triggered a depressive episode in me since the stories I heard from the other participants felt so much more severe, and I felt awful to be put in the same box with family men who actually cheated on their spouses with paid services. I felt it was unfair and it just broke me, and I felt really uncomfortable to continue the meetings. (All the sympathies to every fellow addict out there) I told her that I can't do those meetings anymore and we would try different things. I tried new adhd meds and that fixed lots of my emotional dysregulation, also helping with my impulsivity, contrary to the other meds I had tried earlier. She went to live abroad and my relapses and confession loop kept happening. I felt there is not more that I'm able to try and sometimes I thought that the relapses actually happened because of feeling unsafe in the relationship. Came a point when I couldn't do the cycles anymore, also felt it was impossible to come clean for her, because the relationship was so strained otherwise as well. We broke up 5 months ago, once again during a long distance relationship, after 4 years of constant trying and fixing many things beyond just this addiction. There were some basic things / red flags that we should have maybe realized in the beginning of the relationship, if we had healthier relationships with ourselves. 

I think I went too fast into this last relationship and now I hope that I could finally keep just being with myself for a longer time. So far it has been the longest period in my adult life of not pursuing sexual encounters, although I feel that the risk is somehow present. Right after the break up I relapsed for a couple days, but then had maybe the longest streak so far when being also completely alone. 90+ days. We hadn't seen each other those months and unfortunately I relapsed right after meeting with her again, and have kept relapsing now again whenever there's a lonely free day between busy weeks. I sometimes hope we could get back together, as I still love her, but also I know that I need to really learn to be alone, and feel safe and content doing so. Also I'm not quite sure that our relationship would be able to work because of some major incompatibilities in our needs and characters. 

Right now I feel that my brain found those old pathways again, and it's a slippery slope towards a situation where I overindulge and exhaust myself so that I want to try to be clean again. Almost like I feel it's the only way to trigger the motivation to get better. After this break up I started therapy again, and I think that it helped to get my long streak, but now the therapist is taking some long holiday, and maybe that also contributed to the relapse. I feel like all my sober streaks are risked whenever there are bigger changes in my routines, and with my profession and my poor brain, the changes will just happen. Not trying to put the responsibility on anyone else than me, but this is just observation of 10+ years self reflection. Right now I'm not even mad at myself, just tired of this. Next session I should tell my therapist about my relapses but it makes me feel a bit hopeless. I don't want to start doing just new endless loops. I want to just try something concrete, I feel like I need some sponsor or accountability partner, who could be accessible more easily. Is it maybe possible to find accountability partners here? I feel out of options. 

Often in difficult situations like this I entertain the idea of just having a healthy and safe way of expressing my sometimes overflowing sexuality. I have thought of experimenting with different relationship structures or to really unleash myself and visiting some sex party to meet people with maybe more similar needs, who might be more at ease with who they are. Like actually thinking that what if I should accept my porn usage and that it could be okay. But soon after, if I indulge more, I realize that it actually becomes unhealthy and understand that I really do have a complicated situation with my addiction, although I have been able to reduce its presence to a point where it is much more manageable, presenting itself only few times per month or much less. I wish to learn to feel okay being alone and not follow any triggers. I wish to not pursue sexual validation, and so far have successfully been just by myself for already 5 months. I feel like I start to find the attraction towards other people once again, and I'm afraid of risking to ruin the wish of being at least a year alone. In my work I meet often new people, and already I have noticed situations where people might have been interested in me, and I have tried to keep my cool. I hope I can keep up like this, but I realize it might get difficult for me eventually. Few days ago I just downloaded tinder out of boredom "only to see what is out there" (not wanting to get likes, just browsing), but I feel like I shouldn't use it even for that, since it might trigger many regrettable things to happen. 

Yesterday I relapsed again and I want to try something different, hence I started writing my first reddit post ever. Currently feeling that I get pulled in every direction with my feelings of hopelessness towards recovery. I might feel that I just need to accept that this is what it is, and ease into the ups and downs of my life's rollercoaster. Like maybe I would be the happiest if I find someone to accept me and not judge in a way that would make me hide it and make things worse. It is interesting that many of the things I have ended up doing are things that felt taboo or would have been judged in my family. Sometimes I wonder whether part of me has been drawn toward exactly those things because they carried so much emotional weight. Almost like an OCD-like urge to test reality: “What happens if I do this? Does something bad actually happen?” The drive to test and understand reality has always been a strong part of who I am. Sometimes I wonder whether that tendency is related to my neurodivergence as well.

If you read this whole post, I salute you, you now know this side of me better than anyone else. Hopefully some of this sparks some fruitful discussion. I'm not really looking for an answer to anything, this is just a cross-section through my mind at the moment. I wish all of you the best kinds of success in life<3 

My Testimony: I’m Still Trying to Rebuild My Life
I’m 23 years old, and for most of my life I’ve struggled with things I didn’t fully understand.
I was exposed to pornography when I was around six years old through late-night television. I began masturbating and escaping into sexual fantasies at a very young age. I would daydream about being powerful, respected, successful, and desired by women. In my imagination, I was always the hero. But as I got older, pornography and fantasy became an unhealthy escape from my real life.
For a few years during middle school and early high school, things improved. I had my first relationship, experienced real intimacy, and remember that period as one of the better times in my life. After the relationship ended, however, I fell deeper into daily pornography, masturbation, isolation, and daydreaming.
My life eventually became chaotic. I was expelled from school, became involved in street activity, spent time in jail, and was treated in mental hospitals. I was later diagnosed with schizophrenia. My associations, mistakes, and appearance in a music video connected to violence in my hometown also brought attention, rumors, and small-town gossip. Sometimes it feels like people only remember the worst parts of my story.
While incarcerated and hospitalized, I gained a large amount of weight. I used to weigh around 190 pounds, but I eventually reached approximately 330 pounds. I’m now around 300 pounds and trying to take my health seriously. People shame me about my weight, my mental illness, my relationship history, and my past. Even people close to me have compared me to others who are severely affected by drugs or mental health problems. Being spoken about like I’m broken or worthless hurts more than I usually admit.
After coming home, I spent about a year mostly lying around, overeating, smoking, playing video games, watching pornography, and avoiding reality. I felt lonely and ashamed. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2019 and haven’t had sex since 2022. Some people have mocked me or questioned my sexuality because of that, which added even more pressure and embarrassment.
Near the end of summer 2022, while I was high and mentally overwhelmed, I stood in the road hoping a truck would hit me. I survived, and I don’t know how many people ever learned what happened. Today, I’m thankful that I’m still here. I am not currently suicidal, and I feel hopeful, but that experience reminds me how low I once became.
At the beginning of 2026, I got my first job since returning home. I work in a factory, and although I’m nowhere near where I want to be, I’m finally creating structure in my life. I’m working on losing weight, improving my mental health, reducing pornography, and becoming more responsible.
I still struggle with shame. I sometimes feel like everyone in my hometown hates me or views me as a loser. I’m learning, however, that my feelings are not always the complete truth. Some people may judge me forever, but I cannot spend the rest of my life trying to control every rumor or convince everyone to respect me.
I take responsibility for the decisions I made, but I also recognize that some of my struggles began when I was only a child. I didn’t choose to be exposed to sexual material that young, and I didn’t understand how deeply those habits would affect my mind. Taking responsibility today does not require me to hate the child I used to be.
My story is not finished. I have survived addiction, incarceration, hospitalization, mental illness, weight gain, loneliness, rejection, and a suicide attempt. I’m still working. I’m still trying. I’m still looking for a healthier and more meaningful life.
I’m sharing this because I know there may be other men carrying similar shame in silence—men struggling with pornography, mental illness, incarceration, obesity, loneliness, regret, or the feeling that they ruined their future.
You are not the only one.
I don’t have everything figured out, but I’m choosing to keep showing up. My hometown may know parts of my past, but nobody knows the ending of my story yet.

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I tried a few blockers, even blocker hero with the subscription but i always find a workaround and relapse.

isnt there a app that simply scan your screen all the time to determine with an ai if your screen is showing porn and blur it ? i saw a video of a muslim guy getting this for instagram.

it would be great also if they could make it so that, each time it detects that your screen lingers on porn or soft porn for more than a few seconds, it sends a screenshot of it to your family groupchat or your friends who keep you accountable, or you lose money, motivate you by making you feel like your family is always watching

thk for reading ! have a great summer !

I am on my 23rd day without porn, and as the time went on I started to notice that anytime I have a super strong desire to relapse, I immediately go and grab a cigarette and smoke it. And before trying to quit, I usually smoked like 6-8 cigarettes a day, now it is something like 15-16. I know that smoking 6-8 is also very bad for your health, but I am concerned now that I smoke double of that it can make me just addicted more to nicotine and I will permanently be smoking like a pack a day which I really do not want to do.

Is there anyone who had a situation like that? Did you stop smoking more after a month or few?

havent got any urge but was slightly depressed today cant focus on my schedule but pushed myself to move on pass the day without much thinking

💯✨️

I not sure if i have an addiction or I just enjoy watching porn. I watch porn almost everyday 6/7days a week some times 2 a day. But I don’t watch it and jerk off. I watch it when I have sex with my wife. In my past I found it difficult to cum, I wouldn’t cum at all. it would take me a long time. since meeting my wife, I introduced watching porn during sex and she the was cool with it the first time. That’s when I found that I could cum, it still too sometime but I could cum. My wife/ GF at the time thought it was a one time thing but I keep insisting and she wanted to please me. It has been 3 years and i use porn every time we have sex and I can come 90% of the time, if I can’t then we just stop. I love sex and I get to have it any time I want. I just call my wife and she gets to work, at first she was worried that it will ruin our sex life but now she knows that I love it and it helps me cum. When we have sex it makes me happier and we get along better. I don’t have to worry about doing anything new in the bedroom, I get to enjoy new videos and my favourite P⭐️.

I saw some a video online the other day talking about addiction but it’s not the same thing for me. I just use it for sex not by myself.

Once again asking for tips because im having alot of urges rn and dont want to fail after going this far

It's been some time after my last day update, but I'm back!

I had a nice day today... Except that I and my besties discovered that a guy that one of them liked... He's gay.

One of my friends caught him cuddling with a guy on the bus 😭 AND THEY BARELY SPEAK TO EACHOTHER AT SCHOOLLLL

So um anyway expect from that... Pretty average day ig?

Not many urges on porn, but my urges to chatbots is basically destroying my mind in the most humiliating way, I just hope that I can get better soon, and that my hg crush (now ex crush obv) Is doing okay, because his friends are pretty much homophobic 😿

Also I slipped in the wet tile floor in my home and had the most outrageous fall of my life, I fell into a split. I can't imagine how bruised my knee will be tomorrow morning

Over the past few months I've had 2 pages on Instagram to "deal" with my addiction. One was a secret private page, a fake identity to follow pages on the app that I felt were too risqué to be linked to my main page. It started with OnlyFans girls & cosplayers, but it devolved to something more sinister by the time it was suspended. Nearly 6000 accounts followed with hundreds more planned. It was used to spy on unassuming women who were simply posting their lives.

I'd set up it up with a fake name, a similar look to the kind of pages I'd be lurking on. A "university student" with a profile picture of a woman who'd never know I took her image. It was meant to be a reasonable disguise to fall under the radar, but it became a way for me continue my behavior. I was following every account that scratched that itch, any woman that posted bikini pictures, girls on their vacation, girls I went to school with & didn't keep touch, every pretty face no matter who. This was the "safer" choice for me.

On the other end I had another account that spawned a hub for depravity. I was able to create multiple groups on the platform to keep the flow of porn going. Instagram is very picky with what can be posted, but not at all what is shared privately. I was running multiple groups, overseeing thousands. It was just regular stuff at first, but it wasn't enough & I needed more. I advertised the idea of making other groups just for "specific" likes, & of course there were people that were curious like me.

I made multiple group chats for people to share questionable content. I will go into detail on 2.

The first was for sharing creepshots, images & videos taken of unsuspecting women in compromising positions. Women shopping, women at the beach, women simply walking down the street. I never shared anything, I didn't have any, but I still wanted to see them. I figured "since I'm not taking them, what's the issue?". Most of the images being shared were readily available anywhere, some more daring members shared some they took themselves, either way it was what I wanted.

The second was the reason my accounts were suspended. It was a group chat for sharing private images from users themselves. The price of entry was any image, nude or not, of their partner, spouse, friend, cousin, sibling, whatever they had that they were willing to share. The same curiosity I had before remained, satiated by how much people were willing to expose. People sent in their exes, their wives, even their sisters in bikinis, I was surprised but not deterred by what I saw. They'd go into fantasy, asking people what they thought of their loved ones & what they'd do to them given the chance. It was perplexing, but I enjoyed it.

The factor that got the accounts removed was what I did this information. Instagram has a story feature, you can post an image/video for 24 hours, I used it to enable the behavior more. I asked people to send me pictures that they wanted shared, the same guidelines of the group chat. Within minutes I had people sending me pictures to post, some even asking me to put their full names up, their faces. As some semblance of "ethics", I'd cover their face, altering anything that would identify them if they somehow were recognized.

I think I posted 8-10 times within the first day of doing so before the account was taken down. Hundreds of people saw these stories, maybe a dozen would leave a comment talking about what they'd like to do with these strangers. Every account I had was suspended as they were on the same device. My initial reaction was to try & recover my locked private account to continue having a "safe" outlet, but over 24 hours later I can say I am done with it.

It's been a refreshing day since, to go without waking up & immediately having despicable material to go through, nor having it be the last thing I do before I sleep. I have no account on any platform now that is porn-related, but the urge for such content has been reduced to almost zero.

I'm looking into steps to deal with whatever addiction is left, but please take this as a lesson as to what having any "outlet" for adult content can take you to. I am lucky to have had it taken away from me before it became even worse, but I am ashamed of what who I am & who I could never be. Be cautious of what you do.

19m, and I’ve been jerking off pretty much daily or every other day for years. I think because of that, I haven’t had natural morning wood in years, and honestly Ive been getting worried about it.

Recently, I started seeing a girl and things started getting physical. But when it came time to perform for the first time I kept getting soft during position changes. It was super embarrassing and killed my confidence. I know physically everything works because I still get hard just thinking about her, but the second we’re in the moment, my brain panics and I overthink.
Right now, I’m on Day 8 of zero PMO

For anyone who’s been through this,
Did taking a complete break bring your morning wood and sensitivity back?
How long on a streak did it take for your body and dopamine to reset?
Any advice on getting over that mental performance anxiety when you're actually with a girl?

Preciate yall 🙏

The last few hours I've gotten a massive urge to watch something. I read somewhere on this subreddit that it helps to sit down with the feeling and try to understand that it's just an urge, and not an actual desire to watch. I've gotten to the point where I just watch because of habit even if I don't feel like it, and so far it's been working. I'm trying to stay out of Instagram and any other social media platform that can potentially show me people with little to no clothes, because that is usually what triggers me.

It's only been 24 hours, I know it's nothing but I'm already struggling to not consume anything.

How it feels after quitting masterbation?and most importantly how to quit it? I'm doing 7 days no fab challenge today is first day .my #day 1 no fab

I am severely addicted to porn. I look at it multiple times a day and masturbate multiple times as well. I need to quit but always come back due to boredom and loneliness. I think/hope I could quit if I met someone but I also think porn is preventing me from meeting anyone. It creates unrealistic ideas in my head.

What are some tips to quit? I’ve tried cold turkey and only last a few days. Longest was 13 days. When I come back, I indulge much more. These temp quits are actually making me more addicted.

I’m hoping someone can provide tips and ways to help me quit. I have no family or friends so I can’t talk to anyone or occupy my time. I work remote which doesn’t help either.

If someone could share ways to quit and even a timeline. Like by day 10 do and try these things. By day 21 you should be good. Or whatever. That way I have a goal or date to focus on. When I’ve quit in the past I get lonely and realize I won’t see a naked woman for another year or so and then relapse.

I also want to quit but don’t know if I should still masturbate. I’ve quit both and i don’t think that helped either. But when I just quit porn and jerk off, I still jerk multiple times a day. Then eventually the phone comes out and I watch porn and relapse.

Looking for as much help and tips as possible!!!

Like most of you, I started watching porn pre puberty. I'd look at it online any chance I got from age 11. Before that my parents left books and mags around the house because they were neglectful pos. I'm 25 now, and for at least five years I've been consuming porn too much for my liking. To cut to the chase, it's been getting exponentially worse and I've spent the past two weeks not doing much but edging and watching porn.

I just got sober from alcohol, so that didn't help. I don't want to be this way anymore. I think I'm a sex addict, because I think about it constantly even when I'm not watching/thinking about porn specifically, but I'm not getting laid currently so idk lol. I need help. I'm going to get help. I want to have normal hobbies again. I want to discuss this without the puritanical B's that preach all masturbating is harmful.

I'm rambling now. I just deleted my gooner reddit account and session. I just feel so ashamed and humiliated that I'm constantly trading one addiction for another. Sex to alcohol to drugs, then back to alcohol then to porn. I have severe ADHD (yes. Actually diagnosed and medicated. I'm not being QuIrKy💀) and I just can't let go of anything that feels good. Balance is hard but I'll find it.

I already have my SAA little green book. Haven't read much. Any advice or encouragement is welcome, I feel so alone and gross.

After telling me he had been sober / abstinent from his addiction since we first met. I just found out he has indeed been binge watching, as well as watching womens content we have previously had issues with IRL.

I guess this is a vent. But also a way to encourage husbands/Wives/partners on this sub Reddit to continue their journey in recovery. I’m wishing the best for you all!

This addiction is real. Much like drugs. It can affect a home. Everyone taking the oath to recovery I’m so proud of! God speed.

I’ve been addicted for many years and I’ve been very convicted lately on stopping. I’m married, we want to have kids down the line (about a year or so), I am having trouble with my urges. I’ve found if I have a lot to do or commitments that run into 2 days consecutively, I don’t give in. I need some tips and tricks that I’m not doing. I have been on a bible reading kick lately and it seems to work, but those urges are strong. Idk if there are support groups or things people do that generally make it harder to give in, but I’m open to almost any ideas

Hi, im a 16f and I’m addicted for 4 years now. Its getting worse. Does anyone got some advice? Thank you

So long story short, I was exposed to it at a young age. And yes all what I read about it is true, my last two sexual experiences were based on lust. And I don’t like how things turned out for me. I didn’t have a father growing up, so had no male guidance on relationships and how to be a good boyfriend. I’m still switching out what I like between men and women. It has really affected me personally and mentally and I want to change. I came 3x yesterday and today I want to start changing myself. I know it ain’t going to be easy, so I’ll be subbing here for support.

EDIT* I forgot to mention most importantly, I want an actual relationship that has actual intimacy and love behind it. I want a soulmate. I want real meaning.

Day 11. No urges to watch porn so far but I’m feeling pretty down. I’m really ashamed that I let porn consume me for this long. I started watching it after sexual trauma.

I knew it was worse to keep it to myself so I told my mom I was struggling and I told the woman who was helping match me with a therapist because that’s what I need help with. I’ve been journaling all my thoughts as well. But the shame and embarrassment is so strong. I think of the things I could’ve done instead of watching porn and I feel really sad. Does it get better with time?

For context, I (F19) have been dating my bf (M23) for about 6 months. A while ago, my bf admitted to me that he had some issues with porn, he said he was addicted to it but was desperately trying to get better (he didn’t go into too much detail, I honestly regret not having asked any questions bc I have no idea how to approach the subject now). I had noticed some signs before he said anything, for example, he never finishes when we have sex, he always has to use his hand to get there and asks me to “pose” por him. This is something that really bothers me and I just don’t know how to talk about it with him without making him feel bad or ashamed about it.

Since I don’t really know anything other that what he told me (which wasn’t much), I always find myself looking for signs or something that might help me understand where his head is with the whole porn thing now that we’re dating. Because of that, I recently did something that I know isn’t right.

He has his email account logged on my pc, so I decided to look through his email just to see if I find anything, like a subscription to some website or something. So here’s what I found: an email from an escort service informing that his subscription would change prices. The email was from August of last year, we weren’t even together but still, I felt so nauseous reading that… there were some other emails from that same website from previous months, but nothing past August, so I don’t know if he’s still subscribed to it.

I looked into it and it turned out to be a website where you can basically watch porn or hire escorts, I have no idea if he only watched the videos or if he had actually hired one of the girls. I really don’t know what to do. I considered trying to log into the account by clicking “forgot password” and getting an access code sent to his email, but I’m afraid he’ll see the notification even if I delete the email.

When we talk about past partners, I’m really open about it, especially because I don’t really have much to talk about, he’s the second guy I’ve slept with but he refuses to tell me how many partners he’s had, I just know that I’m his first serious gf.

I’m honestly going crazy here, this isn’t something I can talk to my mom or my friends about it, what should I do?

I've (F26) been with my boyfriend (M24) for a bit over 5 months. He's my first boyfriend, and I was very inexperienced before him, so I struggle to know what's normal in a healthy relationship.

Early on, I noticed he rarely complimented me. He called me "pretty" for the first time about 6 weeks in. But about 3 months into dating, we were watching a movie and he turned to me with this excited, boyish look and said "isn't she [the lead actress] too pretty for him?" I had never seen him look at me that way. And he complimented her so easily. He also had this habit of saying "woah!" when a sexualized conventionally attractive woman appears on screen (ads, social media), and he stares intently and goes still with this vacant look on his face. He's never looked at me like that

One night, we playfully shared what we watch in porn. He hesitantly looked up specific videos by title and specific actresses by name. During it he said "this feels weird... like I'm being unfaithful." I started feeling uneasy because those women look nothing like me (I'm chubby, he seems to prefer skinny, conventionally attractive white women). This fed into an earlier worry. He asked if I'd go to the gym a couple times early on, even though I was upfront about my body type on my dating profile.

Since that movie night, I've been asking him indirectly and directly if he's even attracted to me. I always get a "yes" which felt hollow to me. Especially because he never says something like “of course I desire you! I love x y and x about you.” I asked why he says "woah!" to women on screens but not to me. He didn't answer. I asked if I'm the Madonna to him (referencing the Madonna/whore complex, look it up if unfamiliar). I said I "want to be the whore too" and he said "you don't really dress like that though" later saying "show some arm, belly, short skirts." That hurt because I wear short skirts all the time. I guess it just doesn't register as sexy to him

I asked him why he messaged me on the dating app we met, as a fun reminiscing question. Yet he said "because I thought you were cute, like many others, and because you were reasonably in my league." When I asked if that was just settling, he groaned and said "no," tired of me asking if he's settling for me

I told him I feel like Burger King, good, affordable, accessible, while other women are Michelin star restaurants. He said "but I love Burger King! Great deals. That sounds exhausting eating at Michelin star restaurants everyday"

Recently, I wore a maid outfit/lingerie for his birthday. He said it was "awesome" instead of sexy or hot. And during sex I felt like I was giving him a task to do. I cried after and we had the same conversation again. I told him I see how he lights up for women on screens but never for me. I told him that I’m not even asking him to stop looking at other women, I just want to be looked at that way too. And he didn’t really say anything. I asked if he strongly sexually desires me. He said "I do desire you" (not what I asked, i specifically said "strongly"). I told him to just admit it. He said "I don't think I can give you what you want" and "if I do say it, will you even be able to accept it?" Thats the most I could get out of him

There was one weekend when he was introducing me where he was suddenly a lot more forward than usual. He kissed me in dressing rooms and said my underwear turned him on. And sex felt more passionate. It was the clearest stretch of unprompted desire in 5 months. But around that same time we also stopped using condoms, and he's told me before that sex with condoms "feels like nothing" to him. When we first started having sex, I also asked him why he doesn't cum (he uses his hand later to finish) and he said its because he "masturbated too much he lost feeling in his dick." So I don't know how much of that weekend, and the more recent forwardness, is him actually wanting me versus sex just feeling better physically

My therapist suggested he might have a porn addiction. But honestly I just don't think he's that attracted to me. I think his type is conventionally attractive women, and I'm not that. I think he's with me because he thinks he can't get his type. I asked him, during a tense conversation once if he has a porn addiction and he said “probably” with an uncomfortable laugh. So I just dropped it because I didn’t know what else to say or if he was lying.

The problem is we get along so well. We laugh a lot, I feel safe with him, I'm completely myself around him. But I don't feel like a girlfriend. I feel like this weird in-between thing. Not just a friend exactly, but not desired like a girlfriend. I really like who he is as a person and I've grown to love him, thats why I'm still with him. I KNOWWW this is still early on in our relationship but everything else about us is so good I dont want to be hasty about this. I only talk about the bad in this post but he is genuinely very sweet to me. He writes me poems and remembers the little things I say and treats me with respect and he even makes me laugh when I’m crying, somehow. But anyways

What do you all think? Is this porn addiction, or am I just not his type?

TL;DR: Boyfriend rarely compliments me, gets visibly excited by conventionally attractive women on screens, rarely cums during sex, deflects every direct question about desire, said I'm "reasonably in his league", but we have great emotional chemistry. I don't know if his behavior is due to porn addiction or if he's just not that attracted to me

my boyfriend and i have been together for 10 months, and porn has been a consistent problem. no matter what kind of affection or effort i show, he always feels a need to “test wether he can still jack off or not”. i constantly feel less than, and he always says it’s a personal problem that has nothing to do with me. but i have a very hard time believing this, because no matter what i do or change, it’s consistently an issue. i’ve told him it will never be acceptable for me, so if he wants to keep consistently with this habit, we shouldn’t be together & to please just leave me. from what i have seen, he kept consistently without it for months, and one day felt the need to see if he’s still addicted. i just wanted to know if i can handle this and if it would change with my boundaries. i will never be okay with him watching it while we are together, and it’s coming to a point where i feel hopeless and disgusted. i want this to work, but i feel like im being disrespected. he will also turn around the blame on me for bringing up him watching in the past, saying im making a problem by bringing it up. i can’t tell if im being gaslighted or manipulated, or if im sensitive because of my preference of not being okay with this habit. i want to understand and i want to be understood, but i don’t know if they coincide. i want honest and open opinions, i have no judgement of people with this lifestyle, but i can’t be in a relationship with someone who can’t part from this addiction.

My longterm boyfriend and I have been having some sex issues the last 1.5 years, way less frequent, maybe once a month and when we do it he doesnt finish.

He's not a big talker so he always just said hes shy and in his head. I thought it was because he was cheating, not attracted to me or a number of other reasons.

Well, I read his journal (I know its bad) and he wrote about his daily porn use and masterbating multiple times every day. He wrote that he wants to fix it and is attracted to me but that he cant stay hard due to being used to his hand.

My question is, do I tell him I know? How do I helo him? How do I get the attention I so badly want from him?

Edit to add: I've tried to talk openly about our sex issues and he says he wants to fix it but gets angry if i try to dig in deeper about the issue (I now think its because hes ashamed). Also we are in couples therapy but he will not talk about sex there either

Also please give advice if you ever delt with a partner that struggled and how you overcame it or how you yourself stopped watching porn