This is going to be a long post, but I really feel like writing it down is going to help, so I hope this is allowed. It's pretty grim and gross, but if it shocks just one reader into doing something to help themselves then I guess it's worth it.

About 3 years ago I started having really bad panic attacks during certain activities. I'd never experienced anything like them before and found the entire thing terrifying. The problem was that once I had a panic attack doing one thing (public speaking, being in tall buildings, being in crowded spaces) that activity was effectively "cut off" for me. I could never do it again without having another panic attack as that's what I associated it with then.

Slowly my life dwindled in things I could do and I effectively became a hermit, except one thing. Alcohol would prevent these panic attacks. That "feedback loop" in my brain that would lead to the overthinking, tunnel vision, increased heartrate, dizziness, and eventual vomiting, would be shut down completely with just a few swigs of whisky. And that's where the dependency started.

Presentation at work? Couple of swigs of whisky from a hip flask in the toilet.

Off to the rugby with my Dad? Lets swing by the pub first for a few drinks.

Getting a crowded train somewhere to visit some family? Why not a few beers for the trip?

As you can probably tell I live in the UK and alcohol culture is incredibly normalised here. I once remember a comedian telling a joke that we don't have alcoholics in this Country, we have "people who like a drink" - and that was simply all I was. I grew up in a very working class, ex industrial part of Wales. Mental health isn't talked about here, or if it is then it's very much looked down on. I knew there was anti anxiety medication that I could ask for that would help, but only weaklings deal with their issues with medication, I'm just one of the lads who happens to like a drink.

The problem is, as many of you will already know, is that whatever anxiety relief alcohol gives you in the short term it demands double back in the long term. Slowly more and more things required me to drink to be able to function until I couldn't even leave the house and go to the shops without having to have a drink. As well as that, the amount required to do these activities went up. Whereas before maybe one glass of whisky would be enough to give me the confidence I needed, it was now 3. I went from carrying one hip flask to carrying three as one simply wasn't enough to function through the day.

This obviously started taking a toll on me. I lost interest in all my hobbies, I stopped seeing friends, in my downtime I would just lie on my sofa and watch TV, waiting until the next time I needed to do something to then get drunk and go do the thing.

My wife tried everything to help me but I simply wouldn't admit that it was driven by anxiety, and I was good at hiding the drink. I made up mysterious ailments and just said I wasn't feeling very well. I lied that I was going to the doctors when she was in work to try and see what was wrong. I was very, very, good at hiding my alcohol dependence.

Then the withdrawals started. I had a week where I had to travel for a wedding where I was getting through about 1 and a half bottles of whisky a day to function. After returning home I found the following day that I was having tremors and shakes. My heart was racing and the panic attacks were consistent. I knew what was happening and knew that a drink would calm myself down so that's what I did, and then kept doing.

I would start every morning with a drink to stop the shakes, then again at lunch, then throughout the entire day. I wasn't even leaving the house at this point or doing anything that would normally trigger panic, I needed a bottle a day to simply function and sit on my sofa.

My wife, at a loss for what to do went and stayed with her family for a while. She still had no idea that it was alcohol related (like I said, I was good at hiding my drinking and after a while my "drunk state" was just my personality now). She simply thought I had lost interest in her and was unhappy in our relationship.

I spent three weeks on my sofa drinking through withdrawals, anxiety, and now depression. I would have delivery apps deliver two 1L bottles everyday, cycling through shops so I wouldn't see the same drivers. I stopped eating completely, I lost 3 stone (42 pounds/19kg) in those three weeks. I would drift in and out of consciousness on the sofa sleeping maybe 30 minutes at a time before drinking even more still.

Then the vomiting started. My stomach had finally given in and it simply couldn't take any more. My stomach lining was completely gone. I had to drink to stop the withdrawals as I was convinced I would die, but if I drank I would be sick. It cycled like this for two days. Drinking, throwing up, drinking again, throwing up again. It got up to 3 bottles just to account for the alcohol I was losing to the sick. One night my wife video called me and instantly saw I was a state. I threw up while on the call and she demanded I showed her the sick, she recognised immediately it was blood. She called an ambulance for me there and then. I managed to stumble into the ambulance and they did tests on me. My heart rate was 190bpm. I then proceeded to throw up even more blood.

I remember a nurse friend of mine telling me that a good way to tell how critical someone is, is to see how urgently the paramedics are acting. A bit like looking at a flight attendant during turbulence to calm yourself down. That's when I knew shit was bad as one of the paramedics sprinted out the back of the ambulance, ran into the drivers seat, put the sirens on and drove as quick as possible to the local hospital.

They put me on an IV drip in the back of the ambulance for antisick just to try and stop the blood loss, but even after three bags of the stuff I couldn't stop. The alcohol was coming completely out of my system at this point and the tremors were beginning to come. They backed onto the A&E department and kept me there while they checked me in. It's at this point I went unconscious and next thing I knew I woke on an A&E ward. They didn't tell me until afterwards but apparently I had a seizure on the way to the ward.

During this the dispatch had rang my wife back to say I was being taken to the hospital and my wife contacted my mother. I was unable to keep any diazepam down (which is usually used for handling withdrawals) so there was a real risk of another seizure, and with each one the risk of death gets higher. My mother arrived on the ward and I could hear through the curtain (through my fucked up state) a nurse explain to my mother about the seizure and to say that if I start tremoring and shaking that she should leave as there's a good chance she could see me die. The cry and the wail that my mother gave out after that is a noise that will absolutely haunt me to the end of my days.

She came in to sit with me along with the nurse and I managed to keep some diazepam down this time, making the withdrawals slow a bit. I spoke to my mum and explained everything, from the beginning. It was emotional, it was embarrassing, it was one of the worse things I'd had to do in my life.

They kept me on the diazepam, 60mg every hour and a half (which I'm told is insanely high) and then began to lower the dosage over the next few days. I ended up on a gastrointestinal ward. I had a camera put down my throat and apparently I had ruptured my stomach with all the drinking and vomiting. I had to have a minor surgery to patch it up, and I stayed in hospital for a week while I worked through the withdrawals and recovery. My wife rushed back to see me the night I was admitted and spent every waking second of visiting hours with me, to the point where they regularly had to shout at her to get her to leave.

I was discharged about 3 weeks ago with a huge cocktail of medication to take, everything from brain medication to make sure there's no lasting damage from the seizure, to things to fix my stomach lining, to some actual anti anxiety meds to stop what triggered all this in the first place.

I'm in an alcohol recovery program and I enjoy it. They are good people but I can't stop crying every time I talk (apparently emotional regulation is one of those things that get fucked in withdrawals) but they're all very supportive.

Today I am a month sober. This time last month I was trying to down a bottle of whisky through tears and vomit. Today I woke up early and went to the shop to make my wife poached egg and smoked salmon on an English muffin and gave her breakfast in bed. We're going to go for a walk to a book shop and pick a book for each other to read and then go to a cafe to do the first chapter each.

I would like to finish with three things.

1. My wife is an amazing woman and far too good for me.
2. God bless the NHS. I know it gets said a lot to the point of it almost being a political catchphrase but they really are an amazing people. Every doctor, mental health professional, nurse, porter, and anyone else I interacted with were the most caring, least judgemental people ever. They do not get nearly the credit they deserve.
3. Fuck alcohol

I cannot get cocky, I do not “have this.” now more than ever I need to stay vigilant when my guard is down. Not so long ago, I would have taken this as proof that I’ve conquered this thing, it was an anomaly, I went through a bad time, whatever nonsense I would tell myself….I’m back to “normal,” can moderate, drink normally like the rest of my friends.

Through sheer awful, repetitive experience I am finally realizing that this is not true. I am replaying the horrifying details of just over three months ago when I went to the ER with debilitating withdrawals after only a week or so bender/relapse (look up Kindling if you are unaware of the term). Possibly my biggest challenge comes next month at my best friends second wedding. He is in the craft brewing industry, a whisky aficionado (whiskey was My Thing), his Fiancée also quite the drinker, he tells me his oldest son, just turned 21, can’t wait to raise a pint with “Uncle Stevey” But I will get through this. We can get through this. I may stumble again but it is not today or tomorrow.

I hope this isn't against any rules.

I've been reading posts on the sub for hours every day since the last couple of days. Going through this, I couldn't help but notice many people mentioning their cultural background and how normalized drinking seems to be in certain parts of the world. Obviously, I was aware that certain country seems to see alcohol almost as part of their identity, but still some stories where shocking to read for me.

So out of curiosity, I was wondering if some of you would like to share where they are from and how it affected their relation to alcohol.

I'll go first: I'm French Canadian (Quebec). I think we are generally seen as the province that drinks the most in the country. Legal drinking age is 18 here, 19 in most provinces. We have a strong beer culture, with microbreweries being all over the places and we kind of pride ourselves about not drinking cheap commercial beers (in Montréal at least). Alcohol is widely normalized for social events and I don't think I really know more than a handful of people that don't drink (that seems to change with gen z tho, great news). Many of my close friends say they drink moderately, but at least a couple of times a week. We don't have that much of a "pub culture" like I've seen in Belgium, France and obviously the UK. People over 30 will generally gather at someone's place and have a few drinks. But drinking is really really common. That makes it even harder to quit drinking. Now that my decision is made, I'm pretty sure many people will think, "Geez, he must have had a pretty big alcohol problem if he needed to quit." A week ago, I wasn't even considering quitting alcohol, I was just trying to find ways to moderate, which is basically what I've been doing for the past 15 years. But people here made me face the truth, there's no middle ground for me.

Thanks for reading, IWNDWYT

I’m feel I’m about to drink. I’m trying not too . But the Sun is out this evening. I’m exhausted. It’s calling.

I’m trying to push through.
Just needed to say it out loud (so to speak).

Trying not to drink with myself today.

Hello all,
Im a drinker, always have been. Ive had a couple months sober since i was 12, going on 48 now. Anyways I moved to a new neighborhood last year and got a new liquor store. One day guy at the counter says "See you tomorrow." Never had that happen before.
I know this is killing me and i'm aware oof what I've become. I just don't need my plug letting me know that he knows.

Today is day 22 for me, and I’ve been having strong cravings. I surprisingly got the day off, and my husband has to work late.

Earlier, I was so so tempted to cave and get wine. Instead, I used my medicinal marijuana and relaxed.

My husband came home unexpectedly and surprised me with lunch. I am so grateful that I didn’t cave. That would have been awful for him to come home to me drinking in the middle of the day.

Iwndwyt!

I quit on the 1st July 2025 so it's nearly 13 months actually, but the anniversary completely passed me by!

Finding this sub and reading your stories really helped me decide to make a change for the better, so thank you all.

It really feels like drinking was shielding me from the truth of life. I’ve always gotten away with doing the bare minimum. I’ve graduated college, got a job straight after work from home… do the bare minimum. I do the bare minimum with my work with my hobbies with my health. I’ve been scraping by my whole life, and alcohol has always helped me feel good and content and it gave me a nice escape so I didn’t have to really face all my wasted potential.

Well, now I’m facing it and it’s terrible. Sure my body feels better. But I’m not getting great sleep, I’m staying up late working on my portfolio and website trying to make up for a year of no effort. I just thought my problems would magically disappear and I’d have motivation to conquer the world. But no, the problem is me. I’ve never been really disciplined and I’ve been blessed with financial support so there’s nothing really driving me.

I always thought it was an advantage to do good in school without any effort, but it’s given me terrible work ethic. If I’m barely turning an assignments with the deadline, what makes you think I’m gonna clean my room if there’s no deadline? People make it seem like quitting alcohol. Turn their life around, but for me it almost feels like life is just now starting and I’m terribly behind… and I never learned how to be productive for my own good. Can anyone share their thoughts?

edit: for some context im 24f. Living w my bf with my parents. The job i have basically requires nothing of me and i work from home. Its been a year since ive finished college and i have genuinely nothing to show for myself other then the paycheck i get for doing nothing basically. I recently realized alcohol has only been making life guilt and consequences worse so i stopped drinking. I would usually drink every few days like in the afternoon or evening, the days I wasn’t drinking I would look forward to the next day that I could. The hangover, stomach pain, weight gain, and arguments have made me quit. It’s been about two weeks since I stopped.

I quit drinking for 2 years, got really bored, and decided to start drinking again.

Approx. 6 months in back at it I’m drinking about 1 full box of %12 white wine in a goon bag everyday.

This is worse than the last time because it is less noticeable to others (at least I think, this could be delusion) and the hooks have sunk in deeper than they ever have before. I feel like this is hell.

Please, don’t drink tonight.

I have a very good friend, that is very sympathetic and supportive of me, that told me to be super careful who I tell about my past regarding alcohol. Said to say that I’m just not drinking because of so-and-so and not because I need to stop due to overuse. He said it could come back to haunt you with doctors or jobs or divorce or even judgmental family, friends or dates who will not see past your former mistakes even if you’ve made amazing improvement now and turned a great new chapter in your life.

Who would you say is never a good idea or must be very very cautious to tell about?

Might be the wrong way to phrase it, but basically thoughts like "Maybe it wasn't so bad. Sure, you lost control but you could start back, just don't drink in the mornings or before/during work. Just drink for the 'flavor' or for 'relaxation' in the evening."

Of course, that's absolute insanity. If I was capable of regulating like that, I would've done so back then. I'm pretty safe and feel like I'm able to logic my way out of that thought pattern, it's just so frustrating to basically be debating against and for yourself at the same time.

IWNDWYT, but sometimes a part of me wants to, I guess. :P

the first adult birthday that i can recall being intentionally sober. my birthday also marked 4 months and a day sober!

i had a lot of anxiety about the day my first two months of sobriety, but it came and went with ease for the most part. :) yayyyy.

I made it! I haven’t gone a week without drinking since I was probably 19 or 20 and it feels great! I also finally got some sleep last night! Too much though because I overslept and was late to work but omg do I feel well rested for the first time in years! It’s possible guys we got this!! I will not drink with you all today!

Hey everyone,

I’m celebrating 21 days of sobriety today and it feels great.

Some things I’ve realised as the days have gone on:

- First 7 days was the hardest (although I knew I had no intention of going back to drinking no matter what so it felt fine mostly)

- You don’t need to drink in order to have a good time with friends. The zero percent beers are a really good hack and should absolutely be explored if you still want that sensation of drinking a beer with people.

- Zero percent beers are EXPENSIVE. The more of these drinks that I drink, I realise that a diet soft drink is actually just fine 😅

- Productivity goes up dramatically without alcohol. I’m a weekend binge drinker and it destroys my week - I have been to the gym every day for the last 21 days, my flat has been tidy, my food routine has been perfect, no takeaway or mindless snacking.

- Sleep routine is almost perfect. I feel tired and sleep at the right times and wake up nice and early which helps my day flow and helps me be more productive.

- My mental health is the best it has been in months. No ruminating over mistakes, social interactions, decision-making. No endless guilt because I got hammered and sent a bunch of texts or had some wild interactions with others.

I just wanted to share this in case others who may be at the beginning of giving up alcohol want to know how much better things can get so quickly.

I’m really proud of myself and feel my sense of self-worth very very slowly coming back.

I hope everyone’s having a great week!

IWNDWYT

Hello all! I’m currently 8 days sober and I just wanted to post what my biggest realization so far has been since stopping. The biggest reward I’ve found so far since becoming sober is the absolute beauty of waking up in the morning after a great night of sleep and feeling happy, well rested, energetic, and not hung over. I still get the urge to drink in the evening and before bed but I use that to keep me from having anything to drink. Knowing I’ll regret in the next morning when I’m tired, possibly hungover, and just feeling like general crap. Not much better than waking up feeling that good everyday! Sorry for the probably unnecessary post but I just wanted to share because I feel great and maybe this will help someone else!

Eight years ago I was on my deathbed. I had lost my legs to frostbite after losing a home I was buying and spending three weeks homeless in the snow in Denver. Just before all that I was close to celebrating four years of not drinking, had a good relationship, job, all that. The girl and I broke up and I started in where I left at. T took me no time to lose the townhouse, the car, everything. I was always a really bad drinker, I’ve had dozens of seizures from withdrawal and have been medically detoxed over ten times at different facilities. I was always blown away at how quick I could get back to that point regardless of time spent away from drinking. After losing the house, and I come from no support and poverty, I was lost. Some close friends down the street let me crash there for a bit but I quickly got kicked out for hiding my drinking and getting the ambulance called on me in front of their kid. My cousin and I always did work for the homeless so, at the point I was at I decided that was what I “deserved” and I tied to sleep outside. I had no idea what I was doing to start with but, this was January of 2017 in Denver Colorado during a storm known as a “bomb cyclone” resulting in the coldest January temps ever recorded. I know gods timing is never wrong but, I could have picked a better three weeks to be homeless.
After spending the next three plus months in an icu burn ward and going through 12 surgeries, I was a new man, much shorter than I was before. I spent almost a year homeless in my wheelchair before everything became too much. I was found by a really cool couple and given a chance to try to clean up. I messed the first time up by getting drunk and leaving but, they found me and took me back to detox. For what ever reason the second attempt went much better. I did the steps, sponsored for a while (before losing a sponsee to a relapse) and generally started finding myself again. I don’t know what got me here, just like I don’t know why I wanted to write this but, it can happen. I know the low it can reach and how much it takes from you. If you made it this far know you’re doing better than you think you are.

Hi everyone,
I never thought of myself as someone who was addicted to alcohol. I never liked strong drinks. I can have bottles of whiskey that people gave me as gifts sitting on a shelf for years until my friends and I finally open them at a rare party.
But I was genuinely addicted to beer.
For many years, I drank beer every week, and sometimes every day. Usually it was 1–3 cans in the evening. On weekends, I could easily drink 8. I never saw it as a problem until I started getting hangovers. I guess age and the amount I was drinking finally caught up with me. That was the moment I realized I couldn't just stop.
Drinking beer had become such a strong habit that I spent several years trying to quit. Sometimes I managed to stay sober for a week, sometimes for 2–5 weeks, but I always went back to my usual routine.
During that time, I learned a lot about alcohol addiction, how alcohol affects the body, withdrawal symptoms, and the 12-step program. I watched countless videos by addiction specialists. But all that knowledge didn't help me quit.
There was one thing that kept getting in my way.
At the beginning, I said I didn't think I was addicted to alcohol. It's hard to move forward if you don't accept the problem. But I also struggled to accept it because, according to many medical definitions, my symptoms didn't seem severe enough to be considered alcohol dependence.
Then I changed just one thing.
I kept everything else exactly the same. I still went to the store, still poured a drink into a glass before watching a movie or playing video games. The only difference was that I replaced beer with Coke Zero.
Yes, I drink a lot of it (sometimes up to 6 liters in one evening), but the most important thing is that I haven't had a single pint of beer for several months. Even during a business trip to Prague, where beer is everywhere, I didn't drink a single glass. Coke Zero completely replaced that habit for me.
I just wanted to share my story. I hope it motivates someone who is going through something similar. And if you think I'm wrong about something or have advice, I'd be happy to hear it.

Take care, everyone!

Oh, and one more thing—I forgot to mention that drinking this much Coke Zero means consuming a lot of aspartame, which turned out to be a pretty powerful laxative. I wish I'd known that earlier... but honestly, I'd still take that over a hangover any day.

I am a 44/F with one year today! Decided it was time to quit spending my weekends hungover. I have experienced everything in life sober that I used to love to do drunk. I can go to a concert and enjoy myself and not need to have 5 or 6 drinks. Being able to get in your car and drive yourself home is wild! Dinner without wine is enjoyable. I can honestly say I am getting more comfortable in my own skin. Alcohol doesn’t have to be my crutch in life. When life is good or bad I don’t say I need a drink to get thru it.
It’s such a great journey and will continue on. IWNDWYT

I am 8 days sober and I just can’t seem to get motivated to do anything is that normal? Like my house is a mess I washed my dishes and cooked but that’s it, my house is a mess idk man something is wrong with me

Hi, today is day 7 sober. I just want to get stuff off my chest.

I’ve had a rough year. I’ve been depressed for a while but I was a victim of DV in january and it spiraled out of control from there. I quit my job because i was too depressed to move. I’m 23 with a roommmate and ran through my savings trying to get by on rent and wasted a lot of it on alcohol.

Her dad is our guarantor. Our landlord has been rightfully frustrated with me because i haven’t been able to pay my half of rent for two months now. They reached out to him and told him everything. I just told her everything i’ve been hiding about my money issues. He is paying the past due balance so we don’t get evicted. I told her I am going to ask my mom to help me pay him back but I don’t think she will because she’s been fed up with me borrowing money all the time.

I have hit rock bottom many times now but this is really it. He said if he doesn’t get in contact with a plan with one of my parents today i have to leave which is completely understandable.

My dad doesn’t have room for me and my mom said i could come home which i will have to do but ive had a bad relationship with her my whole life and she has a history of being abusive which i think is why ive let myself be so destructive with drinking and get into debt because ive been somehow convincing myself i would figure it out before things got bad but it kept snowballing and getting worse.

My roommmate said she’s not mad and just wishes i told her sooner and said she’s more worried about my mental health which i’m really grateful for. I’m so embarrassed and i just told her about my drinking problem which i’ve hid from my friends because i felt shameful having an addiction to drinking so young and i know i shouldn’t but i just feel awful

I don’t know what to do she said she isn’t mad and just wants to be there for me and im grateful but i genuinely don’t want to leave my room im so embarrassed ive been having suicidal ideations i do not plan on or want to act on them i just wish i could disappear i let things get so bad im so upset with myself and ashamed

hi everyone, i feel like ive been posting a ton here lately, so sorry for bugging you.

my spouse knew i have been going to online aa meetings every day. but i told him that i got a sponsor, and that i will be meeting with them in a couple days to start working on the steps.

he got pretty upset, saying im just going out and airing my dirty laundry to everyone. i tried to explain that if i dont quit now things will only get worse, and that this is a positive thing.

i just don’t know what to do. i didnt ask him to get sober with me, but i did ask that he support me while i get sober.

guess im just feeling a bit let down that his reaction wasnt more positive. but i will not drink today!

Here is the cold truth. If you drink enough to cause you to wonder if you have a drinking problem, you will simply, eventually, die. Not quickly, but horribly. You may get lucky, and get a transplant. If you drink again after transplant, you generally do not get a second chance. You can sort of see why.

Does anyone believe the same about this? Anyone being evaluated at transplant ctr right now? Anyone post transplant?

Coming to terms with the fact that the only way my sobriety is going to be achieved is by being completely honest and raw was not only myself but also my husband has been incredibly helpful this time around. I never realized just how much lying to myself and to others I was doing just to indulge my unhealthy, deadly habit. I realize now that that was part of why it felt so impossible to reach my first day of sobriety. Now that I’m being open it is so easy because I can just freely speak to myself and to my loved one about exactly how I feel, if I’m needing help or if I’m having any problems or cravings.
This was not an easy realization to come to, but once I embraced it I realized the relief I felt. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I’m writing this for my future self, just as a reminder in a case a time ever comes that I may need it.

Every sober morning I wake up and feel great and do my routine and I’m productive but then around 2-5pm my brain goes into a freeze state where I can’t imagine doing anything except drinking and start to panic. It’s like I don’t want to watch tv, go anywhere, do any healthy coping, only drinking.

Part of it might be my anxiety due to more caffeine intake or my lack of purpose/activities to do at night besides watching tv or grocery shopping.