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Later when I came home, I tried to sleep but didn’t feel grate at all. I felt dizzy and sick. I felt my heart pounding in my heart and chest. Couldnt see properply, felt like i was dying. I called the ambulance told them this and they told me to just stay home. The next day after the hang i felt a little bit better but still shit. My heart was pounding and I was getting warmed and cold Constant. Now I’m on a boat sailing far away wondering if I wake up tommorow that i will be better.

…and i’m struggling. i’m 24 days sober and it’s been relatively easy as i’ve just been avoiding social situations and any possible triggers.

today i woke up feeling more conflicted than excited. i’ve seen this band once before and it was the best night of my life. i was super drunk and felt like shit the next day, but it felt worth it because i was totally 100% in the moment, which is hard for me to do without alcohol.

i know logically that if i drink tonight, i’ll wake up tomorrow and be like “welp that wasn’t worth it” but i worry that when im there tn, i’ll be thinking “i would be enjoying myself much more if i had a beer rn”

Here is the cold truth. If you drink enough to cause you to wonder if you have a drinking problem, you will simply, eventually, die. Not quickly, but horribly. You may get lucky, and get a transplant. If you drink again after transplant, you generally do not get a second chance. You can sort of see why.

Does anyone believe the same about this? Anyone being evaluated at transplant ctr right now? Anyone post transplant?

Hi, anybody ever have had experience with IFS therapy?
Would love to hear about it

Good Evening(ish),

My name is Chris.

I was an alcoholic between the years of 2017 and 2024. Without getting all "Holier Than Thou", yes ultimately turning to God and having Faith is what eventually lead me to sobriety, but that isn't why I am here today.

A lot of other things contributed to that. The support and patience from my family and friends. Surprisingly one of the biggest contributors was falling in love with Tabletop Roleplaying Games like Dungeons and Dragons. I would create characters that had specific attributes related to my addiction and depression. Having those characters overcome those issues, actually helped me a lot.

That being said, October 19th will be my two year anniversary. I want to dedicate my life to help people who are suffering like I was suffering. Other than going back to school, another thing I wanted to do was start a ministry at my Church to help people.

I am hoping anyone here with the time, might be able to jump in here and share what has been working for you. Doesn't matter if you are recovered, on the journey to sobriety or in any stage in-between.

Anything that you all think might help others find salvation, please share, so I can utilize it in my ministry.

Thank you all so much for your time and help. All the best!

In LDR with much younger guy. Ik he is immature and inexperienced but still. He was doing alcohol detox last week plus some classes about sober future in his centre. He actually begged me to be with him these days as it would help a lot. I was free so i came and now staying with him. In the folder he got there are some forms they filled in with questions like your support (partner, parents, etc). So he wrote: Mom, Dad, Sober Friends. He doesn't even have specially close friends, more like mates but they are a priority. For me its finally clear I am not seen as a partner. I dunno why otherwise he wrote so but I think it's time to finally leave without any discussions. Am I right? I've learned a lot from this relationship.

I drink on the weekends when my friends and I go out. That’s about the only time. I rarely blackout and haven’t blacked out in years. I don’t do anything necessarily bad- I don’t drive or anything. But, something seems to always happen. Like this past weekend my friends and I went downstairs to use the bathroom, and I guess upstairs at the bar was at capacity. But they said we could come back up and gave us a ticket for it. So they told us we had to wait. I was drunk and annoyed and talked back, because all our friends were stuck up there and they said we had to leave. But it’s stuff like this that always seems to happen even when I’m not doing anything wrong. And sometimes I get turned away even when I’m not that drunk (to me). Like I can give the bouncer my id and they tell me I’m not allowed. I’m not sure , I remember all of those instances so clearly that I just wind up really confused. Yeah I talked back, but also I might do that sober too. lol. Not sure if it’s a race thing too or what.

Has anybody in the UK had any luck with getting prescribed naltrexone? I know it's not a fix-all. I just feel like I need as much help as I can get to conquer this. IWNDWYT.

Dear readers,

At this moment I am feeling very very lost. I am writing this with a heavy heart crying my eyes out.

2 weeks ago I talked to my doctor about my drinking habit of the last 3 months. I was very depressed and anxious all the time and somehow, I turned to alcohol (wine). I drank before that but never every day and within the guidelines of how much you can drink as a woman (like maybe 2 times a week and no more than 3 wine a night). Somehow this turned to 1 to 2 bottles a day.

I was sick of it and talked to my doctor, which I was very very nervous about. She took it so well and told me she was proud of me and that she has faith in me and it was brave of me to talk about this. Since then I have spoken to friends and family about it. We made an entire plan, I got antidepressants (citalopram) and we decided I was going to detox right before our holiday (which started yesterday) continuing during the holiday since I don’t have to drive here, everything is close. I started the day before we left. I got oxazepam. 3 times a day 10mg. I had one of the best sleeps I ever had in my life. Then the next day we boarded the plane, I took my dose, and I got itches on my scalp. It left 15 minutes after. Then after we landed (which was about 2 hours later) my lips started to swell up. It was like I had a crazy Botox inserted in my lips. And it started to hurt. Even before checking into our hotel, I had to go to the hospital. They gave me injections for the allergic reaction.

So now I am not allowed to use the oxazepam anymore and since I am in another country, the doctors (here and in my own country) don’t want to see what else I can take. I cried calling my doctor in my own country and she gave me propranolol. But I am so terrified of going into seizures or DT, I slept horrible last night, having the shakes and spasms and like electric surges through my body. After 3am I think I slept “ok” until 7am. Even while awake I sometimes feel the sparks in my body.

I spoke to my husband and decided it is safer to drink a little bit in the evening. Like 3 to 4 glasses or something. And when we return home in 2 weeks to see the doctor if there are alternatives to detox.

I am so extremely dissapointed and sad about how this played out and I feel very unsafe having to go through this in a foreign country. I was so motivated to go through this. Never would have thought of the curveball of being allergic to benzodiazepines.

Yesterday was one of the worst days I’ve ever experienced mentally, I completely broke down. For now, the shaking and heart pounding has calmed down a little bit which gives me a slight bit of hope that I can get through this.

What poison alcohol and drugs are. I wish I never ever touched alcohol in the first place.

I wish everyone here the best, one step at a time. Thank you for reading my story.

Hello! Ive tried to stop a few times over the years. I went to join an addiction counseling program and the first two visits were over 500 together because I dont have insurance. They said I could go to rehab for free under a grant but that really wouldn't work for me because I am the only one who has a job and I don't have pto saved. My question is for other people that tapered and then quit. Ive cut down to one drink a night. Its a 19.2 ounce beer. I used to drink 3-4 a night. How long do you think I should stay at this level before stopping completey? I am trying to avoid worsening withdrawals. I realize we aren't medical professionals but id just like some advice from people who have tapered before stopping completely.

I know everyone gets this but i think my body/ face just reacts way worse. my two brothers drink beers more than me and dont even get the puffiness and look normal… My sister seems to get the same puffiness type though so maybe it is genetic. i usually jus drink beers so maybe its the wheat?? but than again when i quit drinking it goes away even if i eat whatever i want.. people almost dont recognize me its like im a different person. am i simply allergic to alcohol?

Hi everyone,
I never thought of myself as someone who was addicted to alcohol. I never liked strong drinks. I can have bottles of whiskey that people gave me as gifts sitting on a shelf for years until my friends and I finally open them at a rare party.
But I was genuinely addicted to beer.
For many years, I drank beer every week, and sometimes every day. Usually it was 1–3 cans in the evening. On weekends, I could easily drink 8. I never saw it as a problem until I started getting hangovers. I guess age and the amount I was drinking finally caught up with me. That was the moment I realized I couldn't just stop.
Drinking beer had become such a strong habit that I spent several years trying to quit. Sometimes I managed to stay sober for a week, sometimes for 2–5 weeks, but I always went back to my usual routine.
During that time, I learned a lot about alcohol addiction, how alcohol affects the body, withdrawal symptoms, and the 12-step program. I watched countless videos by addiction specialists. But all that knowledge didn't help me quit.
There was one thing that kept getting in my way.
At the beginning, I said I didn't think I was addicted to alcohol. It's hard to move forward if you don't accept the problem. But I also struggled to accept it because, according to many medical definitions, my symptoms didn't seem severe enough to be considered alcohol dependence.
Then I changed just one thing.
I kept everything else exactly the same. I still went to the store, still poured a drink into a glass before watching a movie or playing video games. The only difference was that I replaced beer with Coke Zero.
Yes, I drink a lot of it (sometimes up to 6 liters in one evening), but the most important thing is that I haven't had a single pint of beer for several months. Even during a business trip to Prague, where beer is everywhere, I didn't drink a single glass. Coke Zero completely replaced that habit for me.
I just wanted to share my story. I hope it motivates someone who is going through something similar. And if you think I'm wrong about something or have advice, I'd be happy to hear it.

Take care, everyone!

Oh, and one more thing—I forgot to mention that drinking this much Coke Zero means consuming a lot of aspartame, which turned out to be a pretty powerful laxative. I wish I'd known that earlier... but honestly, I'd still take that over a hangover any day.

I have been prescribed Naltrexone for drinking, I am 26 and a heavy drinker. I first got this medication 2 weeks ago, prescribed 50mg but was told to half the pill, so i have been taking 25 mg.

The first time i took the pill, felt bad dizziness and spewed up 3 times, kept taking it daily in the morning to push through because they say it gets better. A few days pass, the nausea and dizziness were not becoming as strong but I felt really tired like I would nap in the day which is another side effect.

In terms of drinking, I did feel the effects, I had not much desire to drink but the side effects are horrible and never got any better. I took a 1 week break from it and drank for the whole week because I had time off work, averaging atleast half litre of whiskey a day. Now I am back at work, and back on Naltrexone and I took the pill 2 hours ago bad dizziness and spewed 3 times.

Does anyone have advice for this medication, I really want it to help me stop drinking but the side effects make me want to stop. Feels like I'll never stop drinking.

I hope this isn't against any rules.

I've been reading posts on the sub for hours every day since the last couple of days. Going through this, I couldn't help but notice many people mentioning their cultural background and how normalized drinking seems to be in certain parts of the world. Obviously, I was aware that certain country seems to see alcohol almost as part of their identity, but still some stories where shocking to read for me.

So out of curiosity, I was wondering if some of you would like to share where they are from and how it affected their relation to alcohol.

I'll go first: I'm French Canadian (Quebec). I think we are generally seen as the province that drinks the most in the country. Legal drinking age is 18 here, 19 in most provinces. We have a strong beer culture, with microbreweries being all over the places and we kind of pride ourselves about not drinking cheap commercial beers (in Montréal at least). Alcohol is widely normalized for social events and I don't think I really know more than a handful of people that don't drink (that seems to change with gen z tho, great news). Many of my close friends say they drink moderately, but at least a couple of times a week. We don't have that much of a "pub culture" like I've seen in Belgium, France and obviously the UK. People over 30 will generally gather at someone's place and have a few drinks. But drinking is really really common. That makes it even harder to quit drinking. Now that my decision is made, I'm pretty sure many people will think, "Geez, he must have had a pretty big alcohol problem if he needed to quit." A week ago, I wasn't even considering quitting alcohol, I was just trying to find ways to moderate, which is basically what I've been doing for the past 15 years. But people here made me face the truth, there's no middle ground for me.

Thanks for reading, IWNDWYT

hi all, i hope you’re having good days. i’m sure this type of post has been put up before, but i wanted to share my drinking and ask for advice of whether i can just try being sober each day (quitting cold turkey essentially), or if i’m going to need to taper off.

right now, i drink about a pint of cheap gas station whiskey per day, and more on the weekends. i’m purposefully phrasing that as pathetically as i can because it is an embarrassing habit lol. i’ve been drinking for about 8 years now, and it used to be worse.

so, do you guys think it’d be best to taper off to a half pint, then start lowering it more? it’s really hard for me to do that, once i have the alcohol and i run out, the urge to go back out and get more is overwhelming, which is why i want to try just not buying it at all, but i’ve read such bad things about withdrawals. let me know what yall think, and go ahead and share your stories, i like reading them. 💕

Every sober morning I wake up and feel great and do my routine and I’m productive but then around 2-5pm my brain goes into a freeze state where I can’t imagine doing anything except drinking and start to panic. It’s like I don’t want to watch tv, go anywhere, do any healthy coping, only drinking.

Part of it might be my anxiety due to more caffeine intake or my lack of purpose/activities to do at night besides watching tv or grocery shopping.

Hi everyone, I am proud of you for choosing sobriety today! I had a quick question about AA meetings so any feedback/personal experiences would help. I’ve never been to a meeting but I am interested in finding a community of likeminded people in my area. However, I am not a full blown addict. I have a binge drinking/control problem that does bother me and makes me want to quit drinking all together. My friends say AA isn’t for me because I don’t drink everyday but none of them have any experience so I’m trying to make my own decision. I know it’s easier to “just go and try” but I’d like to hear from someone who is a bit more knowledgeable. Thank you!

I immediately know im hungover when I start doing what I call “the flips”. I toss and turn for hours from 6am to 9am. Its very uncomfortable, and i was wondering if anyone else does it?

Hello all,
Im a drinker, always have been. Ive had a couple months sober since i was 12, going on 48 now. Anyways I moved to a new neighborhood last year and got a new liquor store. One day guy at the counter says "See you tomorrow." Never had that happen before.
I know this is killing me and i'm aware oof what I've become. I just don't need my plug letting me know that he knows.

I wanted to stop drinking for years. I made a dozen attempts. Every time I made it 2 weeks or a month and then relapsed. This time I am already at 4 months. Which is 4x my previous record. So this time I am confident that I finally made it.

The question is why though? I didnt do anything different. I did not have more/less willpower than before. But for some reason this time it just worked. While the previous 10-15 times it didnt.

This time the lust/longing is just not there or absolutely minimal. While in previous attempts it was always there. I just dont understand it. Its as if god/destiny/the universe/my body just said - ok this time he will make it.

I have a very good friend, that is very sympathetic and supportive of me, that told me to be super careful who I tell about my past regarding alcohol. Said to say that I’m just not drinking because of so-and-so and not because I need to stop due to overuse. He said it could come back to haunt you with doctors or jobs or divorce or even judgmental family, friends or dates who will not see past your former mistakes even if you’ve made amazing improvement now and turned a great new chapter in your life.

Who would you say is never a good idea or must be very very cautious to tell about?

It really feels like drinking was shielding me from the truth of life. I’ve always gotten away with doing the bare minimum. I’ve graduated college, got a job straight after work from home… do the bare minimum. I do the bare minimum with my work with my hobbies with my health. I’ve been scraping by my whole life, and alcohol has always helped me feel good and content and it gave me a nice escape so I didn’t have to really face all my wasted potential.

Well, now I’m facing it and it’s terrible. Sure my body feels better. But I’m not getting great sleep, I’m staying up late working on my portfolio and website trying to make up for a year of no effort. I just thought my problems would magically disappear and I’d have motivation to conquer the world. But no, the problem is me. I’ve never been really disciplined and I’ve been blessed with financial support so there’s nothing really driving me.

I always thought it was an advantage to do good in school without any effort, but it’s given me terrible work ethic. If I’m barely turning an assignments with the deadline, what makes you think I’m gonna clean my room if there’s no deadline? People make it seem like quitting alcohol. Turn their life around, but for me it almost feels like life is just now starting and I’m terribly behind… and I never learned how to be productive for my own good. Can anyone share their thoughts?

edit: for some context im 24f. Living w my bf with my parents. The job i have basically requires nothing of me and i work from home. Its been a year since ive finished college and i have genuinely nothing to show for myself other then the paycheck i get for doing nothing basically. I recently realized alcohol has only been making life guilt and consequences worse so i stopped drinking. I would usually drink every few days like in the afternoon or evening, the days I wasn’t drinking I would look forward to the next day that I could. The hangover, stomach pain, weight gain, and arguments have made me quit. It’s been about two weeks since I stopped.

Hi again friends, I made a post last night about coming clean to my supervisor. I had read dozens of others’ similar threads and seen so many “don’t do it” comments, but also some really positive stories and experiences. So I listed my reasons out in my post (just writing it all out really helped me feel prepared and sure of my decision as well). I had scheduled the meeting for first thing in the morning to get it over with. Here’s how it went.

I opened with, “This is probably definitely going to be as uncomfortable for you as it is for me. So I’ll be very straightforward and you can ask any questions if you’d like.” He quite literally sat back in his chair and I had the floor for a few minutes. I tried to be honest but (Edit bc I forgot to finish my sentence here while I was trying to think of the word) I was trying to be honest but really blunt so that I wasn’t making any excuses.

- I said I appreciated his understanding while I was out last week and I appreciated him meeting with me this morning. I said was in treatment for alcohol detox. I’ve had a problem with alcohol for longer than I’ve worked at (my company). It specifically escalated in January when I went back to school (he was highly aware about my schooling situation because he let me adjust my hours to make classes).

- I said I hadn’t truly sought professional help for recovery until the last two months, during which time I was trying to avoid rehab but was rejected by my PCP, my psych, and even the ER. I said that none of them would treat me because I was so dependent on it, so I was truly left without any other option but some form of inpatient.

- I said my decision to go on Monday night specifically was due to a “significant symptom” that indicated it was time (I didn’t tell him this, but I had told y’all, it was when I vomited blood). I told him I genuinely felt like my body was going to die (I was really scared and in a lot of pain).

- I then moved on to tell him that treatment was extremely successful, I’m fully sober, attending meetings, and am scheduled for a 5 week intensive outpatient program.

- I said the reason I wanted to tell him this was because I value my job so much - it’s literally thanks to my job’s insurance and flexible HR team that I was able to sort out FMLA over my personal email within 24 hours of me getting into treatment. But he is always hearing how much I love my job, he was nodding as I was saying that it was important to me. I said coming clean to him would also benefit me in two ways. One, accountability. And two, lessen the shame. I told him that no one in my life knows I’m an alcoholic (except for my ex who just dumped me a month ago because I couldn’t quit) so it feels like a lot of weight to keep it a secret. I told him I’m confident in my recovery and I said, “If you’re as disappointed in my performance as I’ve been for the last few months, I want to tell you now that I will be a much better employee and team member.”

- At this point he had started intermittently responding. He said “In my mind, your performance is backseat to your health.” He said he has close people in his life who struggle with it and he has a lot of empathy for us. He kept asking, “What can I do for you to help?” And I kinda laughed and playfully put my hands together and said “Please just don’t fire me.” He said, “Your job is safe.”

- He eventually gently noted that he had been aware of my poor performance and extensive call-outs and had brought it up with his boss, our department supervisor. He said they hadn’t made any decisions, but they had wondered together what was going on with me, and my manager said he was glad that I scheduled this meeting because he had been planning to schedule one. In that moment I was SO glad I came clean. Holy moly.

- He asked if my work from home accommodation had anything to do with this? I blurted out, “Oh no, that’s entirely related to my autism, I…” I literally covered my mouth in shock because I’ve never told anyone besides my freaking ex and y’all online that I’m autistic!!! I literally didn’t want anyone to know!!! I was like Oh my gosh I’m sorry but I didn’t mean to say that! He waved it off and said it’s as confidential as everything else I told him but oh my gosh I felt so embarrassed. I love my autism I’m just not ready for IRLs to know about it yet IDK why but now he freakin knows lol. On the bright side, by the end of the conversation, I found it much easier to make eye contact with him! I was surprised at that change for myself.

- We chatted for a while about how my treatment went, general expectations for the future like less late submissions and stuff like that. I told him how much better I was feeling and tried to end it on a really positive note. It was great. Oh my gosh I felt so relieved. He kept reassuring me my job is safe. He asked if he could discuss any of this with our department head? I said If you believe she’s a safe person, I’d be okay with that. I want her to believe in my recovery as well. (I had a bad experience with a previous manager immediately gossiping about a topic I specifically told her to keep to herself lol it was crazy). He said he’ll keep it private for now and ask again in a week just in case I want to rethink it. Okay, awesome :)

- He noticed that the time off had dropped my FTO balance to less than 30 mins and offered me a special condition of being able to work on the weekends to earn some FTO. He said it was a supervisor discretion thing and he wanted me to be able to take time off still if I needed it. I had obviously been planning on much less call-outs now that I’m not sick all the time, but I was so grateful he offered that! I said that my treatment center did alumni events in town and I could use it for stuff like that or just for an afternoon off (I didn’t say this but I’ve been dying to use my apartment’s swimming pool when it’s empty on a weekday afternoon before everyone’s off work… I’ve been saving the idea as a sobriety celebration). He told me that was an awesome idea.

I walked out of his office feeling light as a feather. It was such a relief. I feel good about my decision, and it sounds like I kinda saved my job lol. I have been so blessed with the treatment I received and the love people in my life have shown me in the last week. I like writing the good experiences out like this because it helps me box it up all pretty in my mind and save it for the hard times.

Sorry this was so long! I was finding a lot of posts from 10yrs and 8yrs ago, maybe someone could use a more modern example haha 😆 I hope this is encouraging though if you feel scared like I did. Omg I was so nervous for the first few mins my head was twitching so bad. I have horrible social anxiety lol. Anyways, One Week FREE!!!! IW HAPPILY NDWYT!

This is going to be a long post, but I really feel like writing it down is going to help, so I hope this is allowed. It's pretty grim and gross, but if it shocks just one reader into doing something to help themselves then I guess it's worth it.

About 3 years ago I started having really bad panic attacks during certain activities. I'd never experienced anything like them before and found the entire thing terrifying. The problem was that once I had a panic attack doing one thing (public speaking, being in tall buildings, being in crowded spaces) that activity was effectively "cut off" for me. I could never do it again without having another panic attack as that's what I associated it with then.

Slowly my life dwindled in things I could do and I effectively became a hermit, except one thing. Alcohol would prevent these panic attacks. That "feedback loop" in my brain that would lead to the overthinking, tunnel vision, increased heartrate, dizziness, and eventual vomiting, would be shut down completely with just a few swigs of whisky. And that's where the dependency started.

Presentation at work? Couple of swigs of whisky from a hip flask in the toilet.

Off to the rugby with my Dad? Lets swing by the pub first for a few drinks.

Getting a crowded train somewhere to visit some family? Why not a few beers for the trip?

As you can probably tell I live in the UK and alcohol culture is incredibly normalised here. I once remember a comedian telling a joke that we don't have alcoholics in this Country, we have "people who like a drink" - and that was simply all I was. I grew up in a very working class, ex industrial part of Wales. Mental health isn't talked about here, or if it is then it's very much looked down on. I knew there was anti anxiety medication that I could ask for that would help, but only weaklings deal with their issues with medication, I'm just one of the lads who happens to like a drink.

The problem is, as many of you will already know, is that whatever anxiety relief alcohol gives you in the short term it demands double back in the long term. Slowly more and more things required me to drink to be able to function until I couldn't even leave the house and go to the shops without having to have a drink. As well as that, the amount required to do these activities went up. Whereas before maybe one glass of whisky would be enough to give me the confidence I needed, it was now 3. I went from carrying one hip flask to carrying three as one simply wasn't enough to function through the day.

This obviously started taking a toll on me. I lost interest in all my hobbies, I stopped seeing friends, in my downtime I would just lie on my sofa and watch TV, waiting until the next time I needed to do something to then get drunk and go do the thing.

My wife tried everything to help me but I simply wouldn't admit that it was driven by anxiety, and I was good at hiding the drink. I made up mysterious ailments and just said I wasn't feeling very well. I lied that I was going to the doctors when she was in work to try and see what was wrong. I was very, very, good at hiding my alcohol dependence.

Then the withdrawals started. I had a week where I had to travel for a wedding where I was getting through about 1 and a half bottles of whisky a day to function. After returning home I found the following day that I was having tremors and shakes. My heart was racing and the panic attacks were consistent. I knew what was happening and knew that a drink would calm myself down so that's what I did, and then kept doing.

I would start every morning with a drink to stop the shakes, then again at lunch, then throughout the entire day. I wasn't even leaving the house at this point or doing anything that would normally trigger panic, I needed a bottle a day to simply function and sit on my sofa.

My wife, at a loss for what to do went and stayed with her family for a while. She still had no idea that it was alcohol related (like I said, I was good at hiding my drinking and after a while my "drunk state" was just my personality now). She simply thought I had lost interest in her and was unhappy in our relationship.

I spent three weeks on my sofa drinking through withdrawals, anxiety, and now depression. I would have delivery apps deliver two 1L bottles everyday, cycling through shops so I wouldn't see the same drivers. I stopped eating completely, I lost 3 stone (42 pounds/19kg) in those three weeks. I would drift in and out of consciousness on the sofa sleeping maybe 30 minutes at a time before drinking even more still.

Then the vomiting started. My stomach had finally given in and it simply couldn't take any more. My stomach lining was completely gone. I had to drink to stop the withdrawals as I was convinced I would die, but if I drank I would be sick. It cycled like this for two days. Drinking, throwing up, drinking again, throwing up again. It got up to 3 bottles just to account for the alcohol I was losing to the sick. One night my wife video called me and instantly saw I was a state. I threw up while on the call and she demanded I showed her the sick, she recognised immediately it was blood. She called an ambulance for me there and then. I managed to stumble into the ambulance and they did tests on me. My heart rate was 190bpm. I then proceeded to throw up even more blood.

I remember a nurse friend of mine telling me that a good way to tell how critical someone is, is to see how urgently the paramedics are acting. A bit like looking at a flight attendant during turbulence to calm yourself down. That's when I knew shit was bad as one of the paramedics sprinted out the back of the ambulance, ran into the drivers seat, put the sirens on and drove as quick as possible to the local hospital.

They put me on an IV drip in the back of the ambulance for antisick just to try and stop the blood loss, but even after three bags of the stuff I couldn't stop. The alcohol was coming completely out of my system at this point and the tremors were beginning to come. They backed onto the A&E department and kept me there while they checked me in. It's at this point I went unconscious and next thing I knew I woke on an A&E ward. They didn't tell me until afterwards but apparently I had a seizure on the way to the ward.

During this the dispatch had rang my wife back to say I was being taken to the hospital and my wife contacted my mother. I was unable to keep any diazepam down (which is usually used for handling withdrawals) so there was a real risk of another seizure, and with each one the risk of death gets higher. My mother arrived on the ward and I could hear through the curtain (through my fucked up state) a nurse explain to my mother about the seizure and to say that if I start tremoring and shaking that she should leave as there's a good chance she could see me die. The cry and the wail that my mother gave out after that is a noise that will absolutely haunt me to the end of my days.

She came in to sit with me along with the nurse and I managed to keep some diazepam down this time, making the withdrawals slow a bit. I spoke to my mum and explained everything, from the beginning. It was emotional, it was embarrassing, it was one of the worse things I'd had to do in my life.

They kept me on the diazepam, 60mg every hour and a half (which I'm told is insanely high) and then began to lower the dosage over the next few days. I ended up on a gastrointestinal ward. I had a camera put down my throat and apparently I had ruptured my stomach with all the drinking and vomiting. I had to have a minor surgery to patch it up, and I stayed in hospital for a week while I worked through the withdrawals and recovery. My wife rushed back to see me the night I was admitted and spent every waking second of visiting hours with me, to the point where they regularly had to shout at her to get her to leave.

I was discharged about 3 weeks ago with a huge cocktail of medication to take, everything from brain medication to make sure there's no lasting damage from the seizure, to things to fix my stomach lining, to some actual anti anxiety meds to stop what triggered all this in the first place.

I'm in an alcohol recovery program and I enjoy it. They are good people but I can't stop crying every time I talk (apparently emotional regulation is one of those things that get fucked in withdrawals) but they're all very supportive.

Today I am a month sober. This time last month I was trying to down a bottle of whisky through tears and vomit. Today I woke up early and went to the shop to make my wife poached egg and smoked salmon on an English muffin and gave her breakfast in bed. We're going to go for a walk to a book shop and pick a book for each other to read and then go to a cafe to do the first chapter each.

I would like to finish with three things.

1. My wife is an amazing woman and far too good for me.
2. God bless the NHS. I know it gets said a lot to the point of it almost being a political catchphrase but they really are an amazing people. Every doctor, mental health professional, nurse, porter, and anyone else I interacted with were the most caring, least judgemental people ever. They do not get nearly the credit they deserve.
3. Fuck alcohol