I'm a gay man in the 30's and just came to say: wow.

I’ve always wondered why I didn’t feel sexually attracted to partners who I love

I feel such an intense connection with the person that I can even predict what they’re going to say.

But, I can’t feel that same connection in a sexual moment I’m in a relationship , and it's a nightmare. I feel attracted to other guys, even though I try to change my mindset or convince myself to 'have some fun' with other guys will be boring as how is with my boyfriend. Discovering this community today made so many things clear for me. I finally understand why I can’t stay attracted to the same person for very long. It’s a mix of feeling a bit upset and happy to finally know the reason. I just want to say thank you.

I am a gay man in his late 30s. I have probably had at least a hundred sexual partners in my life. I have also had long-term romantic partners, including one who was a common-law spouse.

Recently, I've started trying to explain to people more fully what sex has always been like for me.

Frankly, the idea of having sex with someone multiple times is about as appealing as watching the same movie again and again and again -- no matter how "good" that movie may be. It doesn't matter if you're watching a different cut each time (once as the director's cut, once as the theatrical release, etc.) or adding special features each time (behind-the-scenes footage, actor's commentary, etc.) -- it's still wildly unappealing to think that I'd have to watch the same thing over and over again (and pretend to still be enjoying it!).

When I've tried to talk about what it's like for me, people compare it to "the honeymoon period" or "new relationship energy." -- "The excitement fades in every relationship, get over it!"

This really misses the mark. I'm talking about having sex with literal strangers and feeling the desire completely gone by the third or fourth time I see them. I'm talking about falling in love with someone over the course of months (and feeling one hell of a "honeymoon" and all the highs of "new relationship energy") while at the same time having to make up excuses for why I don't want to have sex a couple weeks into knowing that person.

No matter how good a movie might be or how much I love it, the idea of watching it again and again and again is never going to appeal to me.

I’ve only heard fraysexuality talked about twice, both in negative contexts. The most disappointing was after booking a new therapist specifically for working on my sexual issues. I told them how I was excited to have learned this term because it’s the only thing that’s ever described my sexuality. I finally felt seen and like I wasn’t broken. The therapist proceeded to deny fraysexuality being legitimate and said it’s something that avoidant players say. And it’s maybe just a fear of intimacy. I felt very hurt and didn’t see this therapist again. I also am the furthest thing from a player. My partner and I are very happy together. We also have a lot of open communication around the relationship being open if either person wants to pursue that. So there’s nothing to hide.

I just felt so invalidated. I’m glad this (albeit small) subreddit exists at least. Has anyone else found other resources or support?

a 30yo trans(FTM) poly individual and I’ve been closeted fraysexual since I discovered what it was a year ago.

I have two partners that I’ve been with for 3yrs and 4yrs respectively. One partner I’ve lived with for nearly three years and my sexual attraction is gone. I still have fun when we do have sex, but theirs no urge and more often than not, I’m just not interested. I’ve had to assure my partner that I’m still attracted to them and made up excuses for not being interested. I feel like I’m lying constantly.
Lately we’ve had more time to see our other partner who’s long distance and my nesting partner has pointed out that I’m more enthusiastic about sex when our long distance partner is around.

I have noticed that my taper off is usually about six months in, or even faster if we live close/together and it’s always been a point of friction in my relationships. What’s worse? I’m Demi-romantic. It takes a long time for the romantic aspect to kick in for me and by the time we enter a romantic relationship, the sex drive has pestered off leaving a lot of my romantic partners feeling like they’ve gotten boring since entering a serious relationship. This combo just makes me feel like I’m not built for relationships and I don’t know how to move forward. Do I just accept I’m not meant for long term relationships? Or do I just start telling people from the jump? How do I tell my current partners? Do I even tell them or just wait for the relationship to inevitably dissolve?

In the beginning of all of my relationships I’m very horny and am sexually attracted to my partner, but it dies off to absolutely zero. I yearn for that desire so bad after it is gone. I wish I was sexually attracted to her, and I wish I was more horny. It always puts a strain on my relationships. My understanding is that the sexual attraction wouldn’t necessarily come back, but maybe HRT could increase my libido? At least then my body would desire sex. It’s almost worse because I know what it’s like to have sexual attraction and desire and then it’s completely gone. I’m desperate!!! Have any frays here tried HRT? What was your experience?

Also, clearly there is nothing wrong with being fray, I am just wondering if there is something I can do to help my personal situation or if I should just accept it.

When I've been with a partner for a long time it's weird how shy and awkward I become about sex and romance. Really every form of intimacy, even basic emotional expression. It's so bizarre feeling quite comfortable with those things in the beginning, then feeling progressively awkward with time. It's not just lack of interest (at least earlier on), it feels like shyness, or like it's embarrassing. It feels like the opposite of most people's experience. Anyone else relate to this?

Hi everyone. I 37m have been dating my partner 35f for 2 years now. In the beginning they couldn’t get enough of me, sex all the time, saying she was never this intimate, sexually aroused etc. but as time went on…. Those things slowly came to a screeching halt, it’s now been over 6 months… after we celebrated our 2 year anniversary, no intimacy there either, they informed me that they thought they were fray. I’ve never heard this term, and it was, scary. To hear that my partner , who I love dearly, and am building a life with. Basically will never want to have sex again. It was frustrating. And to hear them say my options are, accept it fully or open the relationship, broke my heart. I guess I’m just wondering, if there are any Individuals here that may be in long term relationships where they still find ways to be intimate, or if it usually ends in a separation because of mismatched libido or orientations?

Hi! Recently my boyfriend has done some research due to our sex life deflating insanely fast. He says this has happened in all of his relationships and from reading into it, he seems to see himself a lot in the fraysexual definition. He wants to make us work though. He knows I wouldn’t be okay with an open relationship. Have you guys tried anything that has worked? He wants me to try initiating more. I am thinking about asking him to take a break from porn and maybe potentially make a film with me instead and just see what that does. I’m just brainstorming any ideas.

had to repost under a different flair bc automod didnt read the actual post

Was searching for the right flair; I don't think 'am I fraysexual' is the right one as you will see below.

Brought up my issues with sex and intimacy with my therapist thinking my aversion to sex with people I know must be rooted in trauma. They brought up the idea that hey, I might just be some flavor of asexual.

I've described multiple times how I am attracted to complete strangers and seek out sex with them, and people I am dating or becoming friends with I lose all sexual attraction to. Sex and intimacy are not compatible things to me.

Funny enough, I've known about Demi sexual for a decade now (more or less). I recently thought 'if only there was something to describe being the opposite of demi). Lo and behold, here we are. This is why I'm not tagging this as 'am I fray' because I think that question has already been answered.

I understand fray is just like any other sexuality - there does not need to be a reason for it. But I am curious if anyone else has a similar thought process to me surrounding their identity and sex.

I love getting to know people enough to unmask. I love when my partners finally learn how weird I am. It feels like people are actually experiencing Me, not Mask. That being said, I hate the idea of people having sex with Me. I still want to have sex, and therefore it has to be with a stranger so that they are having sex with Mask and not Me. The part of my psyche that participates in sex I do not want connected whatsoever to the rest of my psyche. They are two different people.

I guess my question is, does anyone else feel like this? Like their fraysexuality is less about the other person and more about the other person knowing the real you and how the real you can't be a sexual person?

I dont know if this makes sense. Just rambling, really.

Anyway, glad this community exists. I never thought microlabels or labels beyond 'queer' would be useful to me, but here we are.

I'm in a relationship, but after year of the relationship, it feels as if a lot of the romantic parts of our relationship has died down. The worst part is, I still feel love for them, I really do, but it's just that feeling isn't the same as that NRE feeling. It comes with being frayromantic— luckily, there are occasions are I do feel types of romantic feelings, but they don't last long enough to feel as much of a substitute for NRE / or that full romantic spectrum of emotions a lot of people talk about. It's a downer, because I don't see myself with any other person besides the one I'm with. All I can see in other people are flaws, while with them, I see my future.

Transitioning to poly wouldn't be an option, because I know they wouldn't accept it, and the idea of being poly just for the sake of dating people to eventually break up with them once the romantic energy leaves wouldn't be fair or feasible to those people— since there's not a market for that type of relationship in our day and age.

I'm happy in my relationship, and my partner is my best friend. I know this may come off as taboo for some, but if there was a medication I could take that would bring back those romantic feelings towards someone you're already familiar with, even if it's just for a day I want to feel them, that would be a serious blessing. I know that's simply wishful thinking though.

I think this concoction could also have something to do with how I was raised: believing romantic love is the end all be all of— Life. Now as I get older, I'm realizing that the value of relationships is within the relationship itself; if it's friendship, family, or sexual— Love, as how we as a society created it, has taken a place in our world that's comparable to a theorcratic ideology. Love, romantic love sespificly, has been built to be the invincible shield against fear, loss, heartbreak, suffering— but maybe, just maybe, that very idea detracts the very purpose of love itself. It puts the notion of love in a pedestal where one group of people you love must be valued above another, when truth simply is, love is love, no matter how it manifests. It's just a hypnosis. Maybe with some truth, some miscalcs involved.

This may not be the best way to put an end to these words, but if I keep typing, it may never end. But if you've read this far down, thank you.

I’m curious to see if there’s a correlation. I think my fraysexuality is heavily intertwined with my autism.

Hi all,

About 6 years ago I found the term fraysexuality, and the more I read up about it, the stronger I identify with it. Here is a thread on my background/story in detail: https://www.reddit.com/r/Asexual/s/BP8O87xmu3

I'm in a great and loving relationship with the man I want to marry for 3.5 years now. He knows that I'm fray and he accepts it, although he does miss sex and intimacy. Recently I found out that he holds on to the idea that my fraysexuality is caused by trauma, and thus can be "fixed"/"resolved" through therapy. For some reason this makes me feel really bad, as if he's secretly hoping for me to go to therapy and "heal" so we can be intimate again. I know that he doesn't mean it/think that way but the discrepancy is just constantly on my mind (which is recognisable for most frays with non-fray partners i reckon).

So my question here is, does anyone have knowledge of or experience with therapy "fixing" fraysexuality? Is it even something that has to be fixed? Isn't it just who I am? Or is it therapy-avoidant to think that way? In my ideal world I would not go to therapy and just not ever be intimate again except to have children (if I'm even able to get myself to do that...?)

Deleted the text and my comments because I'm paranoid about being found irl. Sorry!

Trigger warning: SA, purity culture, internalized religious trauma

I'm hoping that someone out there will be able to relate to my story, and maybe both of us will feel less alone.

My journey with sex has been...complicated. I was raised in a super religious family, with strong emphasis on purity culture ideals. I started dating when I was 14 (parents were NOT pleased). During my teen years, I was horny all the time. For example, my first partner and I dated for a year and a half, long distance, and every time we were together, all we wanted to do was take each other's clothes off. This tendency to be super horny continued until I had penetrative sex for the first time while engaged to the person who would become my first spouse. Almost immediately, the desire went away completely. Because I was still part of the church at that time and believed things like, "sex is a requirement in marriage" and "it's part of your responsibility as a good spouse" etc., I kept trying to have sex with them for over a year until it felt like SA to do it, and I was repulsed by even non-sexual physical contact.

After I ended that relationship, I had several years of wild exploration. I discovered the concept of polyamory (which continues to be the only style of relationship I'm willing to be in, even 12 years later 😅). Unfortunately, that period of wildness included several more experiences with SA, including an experience with a partner who assaulted me 6-months into our relationship. I also had an experience with SA as a teenager, but had buried it, so these later experiences brought up that trauma too.

Eventually, I started to realize I had a pattern. At the start of my long-term relationships, I would want to have sex all the time, but after a period of about 6 months, the desire would disappear, and I would start feeling sex repulsed, no matter how much I cared about the partner. Occasionally the period of high desire was shorter than a month. And very rarely, it was longer than 6 months, up to about 1 year.

As many other people have said, this caused lots of problems in my LTRs. Even though I started warning people once I was aware of The Pattern, most people seemed to think that they would be the exception (which they never were).

With my current primary partner (now my spouse), things were a bit different! But that was because they actually believed me when I warned them, and they legitimately trust that I love them, despite me not wanting to have sex with them. Our relationship is so good that I even am very, very occasionally up for sex (once or maybe twice a year).

Since we're poly, my partner is happy to get their needs met with other partners... but I still feel dissatisfied with the state of things. It's been a long journey for me to accept that I fall within the asexual umbrella. I LOVE having sex at the start of relationships. It's so much fun; it feels great. And my instinct is to keep trying to "fix" myself so that I can feel that way all the time. Over the years, I've read so many books about sex: Come as You Are and Mating in Captivity provided hope for a bit, but The Pattern remains. Even with someone that I not only love but also LIKE still 4 years in, I still feel sex repulsed most of the time.

Sure, I've figured out that "forbidden" sex tends to make me hornier than other types, but once I'm past that initial 6-ish-month period, even that doesn't trigger desire. I've struggled partially because I've hoped (weird word to use here, I know) that The Pattern was due to trauma, rather than something inherent, but I've done years of therapy for my PTSD, and The Pattern remains.

It's a weird place to be, because I feel inherently content without sex most of the time. Like, if I was asked right now if I would be okay going the rest of my life without sex, I'd say yes. But at the same time, I also want to be back in that super horny state, and that's not just because I know my nesting partner would love it if I was. Part of it is that it's hard unlearning long-held views of what healthy sexuality looks like... I'm trying, but it's hard. And part of it is that I legitimately supe enjoy being horny when I am!

Long post, I know. I'm just struggling to find some way of viewing myself and my sexuality that makes me feel like I'm not a complete weirdo. In reading the posts here, I definitely hear echoes of my own experience, but I'm still not sure that this label fits me, if that makes sense?

TLDR: lots of trauma and dissatisfaction with how I am, but I'm trying to accept that my sexuality is non-normative and that that's okay. ❤️

Hello r/fraysexual! I am taking on the responsibility of head and (at least currently) sole moderator here to give you a space to talk about your experiences being fraysexual. For transparency's sake, I want it to be known that I am not fraysexual myself; I am actually demisexual. My partner, however, is fraysexual, and this community was very helpful to us both--for him to understand himself, and for me to understand him. I also want to make clear that I do not want to come in here and police your feelings and discussions, but I want to make sure everyone is respectful and protect the community from hate and trolling. I will do my best to follow the desires of the community regarding rules and the general vibe of the subreddit. Please be patient with me as I learn how to mod, as this is my first experience modding a subreddit, and please feel free to, respectfully, voice your opinion(s) under this post, and in modmail.

A few months ago a friend of mine send me this term and I cried for two days because I finally felt like I was not alone anymore. Every time I begin thinking again that I'm broken or I am failing in my relationships I come here and see that I am normal, my feelings are valid, there are others with the same struggles but are living lovingly with their partners. This community gives me hope, thank you!

Hi! I’m a fresh newcomer to this sub. And straight up I have a question. I have C-PTSD stemming from non-sexual things (won’t go to any detail) and a few very bad sexual experiences while in relationships. Right now I’m in therapy focused on trauma.

And my question is: how do I know whether I’m fraysexual or it’s just the trauma? I’m in a loving, serious relationship with my amazing bf (both males in early 20s) and the sex is very complicated. I know the attraction to him faded as the emotional connection developed (as in all of my previous relationships), yet I’m mostly afraid of having sex with him, not exactly repulsed or neutral. And I’m very much attracted to the idea of having sex with him when there’s more fantasy involved (what’s weird I’m at the absolute peak of my sexuality when there’s some emotional pain involved aka the idea he has sexual pleasure without me, him using me as an object etc.), but I’m in no sense straight up attracted to him as a sexual person (it’s just the idea of sex I’m attracted to). And yet the more we share the connection the less I want the sex. Also I’m very attracted to the idea of open relationship, experiments with other people (it’s funny that it’s mostly fantasies about anon encounters or strangers). Yet I’m very much free to have monogamous sex while I’m more emotionally stable and/or drunk and the fear is less prominent. It’s just this very confusing combination of sexual contact in conflict with romantic feelings and emotional pain tied to sex that turns me on/off. I really don’t know how to approach him about it or hell, how to even approach myself about it. It feels like fraysexuality in combination with trauma or stemming from trauma or trauma just masking as being fray. But I very much can’t relate to the feeling that my romantic partner is like a brother to me, that doesn’t feel right even tho I’ve seen it a lot on this sub. Is there anyone with similar feelings/story? What the hell am I supposed to make of it? I know I will have to have the convo about it, but I’d like to know what to tell him and myself… i dunno. Sorry for long ass post, just trying to make sense of it all.

So after a long time of trying to convince myself out of it, I am accepting that I am on the ace spectrum and a friend pointed me toward fraysexual based on our conversations. I’m finding that I really relate to all of this, even to the point where I’m finding myself attracted to people outside of my current relationship.

Anyway I’m looking for advice on how to tell my partner of almost 4 years. We live together and have already had a dead bed for a while. Originally we stopped because my health declined but as I’ve gotten better I haven’t felt any desire until meeting a new person. I’ve already offered opening our relationship and am planning to do that again as this is different than when I offered for chronic illness reasons but any other advice would be appreciated

One of my aegosexual friends, who doesn’t use reddit, is hesitates to identify as sex-repulsed, or treats it as “taboo”. They identify as sex-averse. For clarification, my understanding is that sex-repulsed means disgusted or uncomfortable with sex, and sex-averse means disgusted or uncomfortable with sex, but is ok with what other people do.

As someone on the aromantic spectrum who struggled with self acceptance for a while (because I experience romantic attraction), something that helped me is to stop focusing on other people. Comparing myself to being aro, or comparing myself to being alloro. It’s kind of sad how many people label themselves based on other people’s comfort, or for external reasons. Because of this, I don’t go out of my way to push awareness for -averse. I want to encourage aspecs to focus on themselves, and encourage them to label themselves based on their own comfort, versus the comfort of other [uneducated] people.

Something I do instead is I try to make people aware or sex-negativity (or romance-negativity). Being sex-negative and sex-repulsed, and romance-negative and romance-repulsed, are different things. I’m romance and sex-ambivalent, meaning my attitude towards romance and sex changes over time. Sometimes I am romance-repulsed and sex-repulsed. Sometimes, romance and sex make me feel disgusted and awful. I understand that I can be romance and sex repulsed without becoming romance and sex-negative.

This post is from last month. It’s nice to see people call out how sex-negativity is unacceptable and remind people what the definition of asexual is, however, the problem is that content is not being moderated enough, in addition to how asexuality is presented. This is a comment by a demi who says they “don’t mind” when there is an “spectrum”. Stuff like this gets weaponized by exclusionists who want to exclude acespec people who experience sexual attraction from the ace community.

I tried to address how I feel outdated definition in the community description should be updated, and how the sub overall looks biased, because a sex-repulsed subreddit, Apothisexual, is directly linked, the opposite sub, cupiosexual, and this sub were not linked. The mod team ignored me and responded by more strictly moderating sex-favorable content, as you can see in the report reason.

If the mod team wasn’t biased, sex-repulsed would have been added as well.

Another thing is how the mod team is using “allophobia” as a removal reason. It feels uneducated and closed-minded to avoid saying “sex-negative” to the extend of using the controversial term, “allophobia” instead.