I struggle with my mood a lot. I have adhd, and i take vyvanse.

The thing is nobody told me id go insane. I can function on meds. And i am good mostly on them. I only achieved anything in the first place due to it.

Outside of that, everything else suffered. Now the meds are not working anymore.

I have had extreme severe hypersexuality to the point of seeing unwanted thoughts and images in my mind of sexual acts, and that gives me much mental pain. Ive been addicted to it for 11 years.

Ill begin to dance and not be able to stop. Then hours later ill try to hurt myself. Let that make sense.

I have the same rotation of activities ive had since i was 16 🤣💔. Same hobbies, i try to change but everything is boring.

I will be close to hurting myself. But then i just get so horny and happy and energetic, and thats great until i feel like shit, cause the meds make it worse and then im gooning for like 7 hours. Its just shit sometimes.

I cut myself on my leg.

I spent money on bad apps randomly, and i took bad pictures of myself and sent them at random to random people being weird.

Just wonder if anyone can relate. Because the mind works in weird ways lolllllll haha

I need help. (I have diagnosed ADHD, ASD, OCD, MDD, GAD, ARFID.) over the past couple months I’ve developed ‘unusual experiences’ and thoughts to hurt others. I’ve told professionals but they haven’t done anything. I’m u18 in uk #camhs, how do I get the help I need. I’m scared I’m gonna have an episode and hurt people.

The urge has been happening since 2 years ago, violent tendencies has been happening since I was 2 years old.
All I see is my fist or a knife going into someone kneck when I get the urge, its like god himself is guiding my arm into someone.
Dead bodies dont creep me out, and when I see dead animals it only makes the want stronger.
I dont get angry or violent, this stopped when I started masterbaiting (which I started at 10), which I honestly have no idea why. When I stopped for a month, (this happened half a year ago) all I thought about was sex and murder, my urges aswell as sexual urges became extreme.
Im a normal person, I deep down want to be loved, but these urges are popping up and I dont know what to do.
My plan is just to go into the army and experience it.
People in my life are just making me want to hurt them so fucking badly, only reason why I havent is because of jail, but its like they’re begging on their knees to die.
Also I made a post before this and you assholes didnt respond I got an ai in my fucking dms so fuck yall

I have intellectual borderline functioning, adhd, depression, panic disorder, and anxiety disorder. I can't drive or live on my own. I struggle with chores because I have severe executive functioning disorder. My stepdad says he doesn't have understand my mental illness because it's his house. My mom basically has stated the same thing. It just really hurts that they don't want to understand. They're constantly throwing it in my face it's their house. It really brings me down.

Hello!!! I’m new here I often get panic attacks and I don’t know why I get these symptoms, and they’re honestly kinda taking over my life. I do not know what to try or do. I often get panic attacks when I go outside or when I’m very stressed. I know it can be somewhat normal, but I just feel so useless. I’m currently an upcoming senior, and with these symptoms, I’m scared that I won’t be able to go to college or become independent. There There isn’t any pressure on moving out or anything. I just want to be my own person. But with all of these panic attacks I get, I get even more anxious about the future, like what’s going to happen if I get a panic attack at work and they fire me or something. Or like what if my career is way too stressful and makes my panic attacks worse.

When I experience panic attacks, my symptoms are a racing heartbeat, shaking, derealization, and feeling like I’m going to die. I guess my body remembers how traumatic it was to take 400 mg of caffeine last November. Ever since I took that, I’ve gotten so much anxiety. I don’t take caffeine anymore. I usually just drink water or coconut water because I’m scared of getting dehydrated. When my panic attacks get “worse” is usually because I’m dehydrated and I’ve gone to the ER multiple times bc of my racing heartbeat and they often just say that it was dehydration or tachycardia. The doctors always say I’m doing fine. I don’t have any heart problems or anything.

I’m just here for advice. I really don’t know what to do or really don’t want to take any kinds of drugs because my dad was an addict, and I know we’re not the same person, but I’m scared I won’t be able to live without the drugs and become addicted. I’m also starting senior year in a few weeks so I just want to feel okay and enjoy my last year of high school with my friends.

I want to kill people these aren't so intrusive thoughts I want to watch as the life leaves their eyes I want to cut their jugular and watch as the blood pools these thoughts I don't want them but the thought of it brings me such a great satisfaction I always enjoyed seeing it happen on screen it's so exhilarating I want to do it myself part of its a sexual thing but the other part is just pure joy it gives me this feeling I've never felt before I've never thought about harming animals if I see a bug inside I catch it and release it outside I have two cats that I love dearly and have never once thought about harming them or any other animal I'm actually a vegetarian but people I want to watch them struggle I want to watch them fight for their last breath I don't want to feel this way I don't want these feelings I don't want these thoughts I want to seek help I really do but I fear if I ever brought this up to a therapist they're going to immediately have me locked away I'm scared I might give in one day but I don't want to be sent to a hospital where my sweet fur babies will be thrown into a shelter where all my stuff will be thrown out how can I get help without being locked away

The dishes have been sitting there for over a week and I've worn the same hoodie four days in a row and my friends think I'm ignoring them but really I just can't find the words to respond. From the outside it looks like laziness or not caring but I'm fighting a war just to brush my teeth and take a shower and show up to work without crying in the bathroom.

The hardest part isn't even the depression itself it's the constant guilt about how I'm failing everyone around me. My mom called yesterday and I let it go to voicemail because I didn't have the energy to fake a cheerful voice and now I feel terrible about it but also too drained to call back. How do you explain to someone that you love them but you can barely function as a human right now.

Just needed to put this somewhere people might actually get it. Not looking for fixes just less alone in it.The shame spiral of letting calls go to voicemail because you can't perform okayness and then feeling worse for ignoring them is so painfully familiar. You're not failing anyone by being sick and the fact that you're still showing up to work and fighting to brush your teeth means you're trying harder than most people will ever understand.

I turned off my alerts a long time ago . I have an iPhone and would get them for every color alert or far fetched weather alert. Today , above my area a giant funnel cloud grew and nearly touched down.
People know where I am. My family, my spouse. No one mentioned anything to me until an hour after the fact.

I live in a top floor of my apartment building. I have access to the laundry room which is a basement. If I had a warning from anyone, I would have been down there. Once I realized people knew and knew where it was and no one reached out, I grew some type of resentment that I am holding for my family right now. I don’t know, I can’t expect anything from anyone but… can I? I don’t know

Hi everyone. I’m an 18-year-old girl, and I could really use some outside perspectives because I feel completely torn. This is going to be long because I think the context matters, and I really don’t want people to jump to conclusions before hearing the whole story.

A little background first: I have been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). One of the biggest ways it affects me is that whenever I feel like my freedom, independence, or ability to make my own decisions is being threatened, my brain goes into complete overdrive. It doesn’t just feel like someone is telling me “no.” It feels like my autonomy is being taken away, like my life is no longer mine to control. I know that feeling isn’t always an accurate reflection of reality, but emotionally it feels incredibly real and can become all-consuming.

Another important piece of context is my parents. They have completely different parenting styles.

My dad respects my privacy a lot. He never comes into my room, he generally trusts me to make my own decisions, and although he doesn’t necessarily like that I smoke, he doesn’t really lecture me about it because, from his perspective, he’s been a teenager before, so he gets where I’m coming from. I’m not failing school, I’m not neglecting my responsibilities (sometimes, of course I’m not perfect), I’m working on building my own business, and I take my future very seriously. Sometimes he even jokes about it because he sees me as a responsible person overall.

My mom is the opposite. She loves me deeply, but when she’s worried, she becomes much more protective. She has checked my room before, she’s smelled weed and cigarettes in my room several times recently, and she’s become increasingly upset about it. She believes using the money that she and my dad worked hard to earn to buy weed or cigarettes is wrong, and she even told me that I was sinning by spending their clean, hard-earned money on it. She’s genuinely scared about what smoking could do to my health. I don’t think she’s trying to control me because she’s a bad person. She’s acting out of love and fear. The problem is that, because of how my OCD works, the way these conversations happen affects me very differently than I think she realizes.

Recently, she told me that I had to choose between her and smoking. That was honestly crazy to hear. I consider myself a pretty logical person, and I know smoking has risks, but I also know myself. I’ve been through a phase similar to this before where I was smoking more, and I was able to stop, take a break, let my body recover, and then come back to it later when I felt like I had it under control again. That’s part of why I don’t feel like smoking is going to ruin my life, even though I recognize it isn’t healthy.

Lately, I’ve definitely been smoking more than I should be, and I’m not trying to deny that. I also know I’ve been less productive than I normally am. I don’t completely neglect my responsibilities, but I know I could be doing way more for the business I’m trying to build and for other areas of my life. The past few weeks, I’ve honestly just had very little motivation to do much of anything. Even so, I still wake up early, I still go to the gym, I still take care of the things I need to do, and I’m still thinking seriously about my future. I’m just not as motivated or determined as I normally am. That’s one of the reasons why I struggle when people assume the smoking has completely taken over my life, because from my perspective, it hasn’t. I still have goals, I still have discipline in many areas of my life, and I still care deeply about where I’m headed. I know I’m capable of more than I’ve been giving lately, but I also know this period of low motivation isn’t who I want to be forever.

But what makes this so difficult for me is that I hate feeling like I’m not in control of my own decisions. When my mom simply says “no,” my brain completely freaks out. It’s not because of the substance itself. At least emotionally, this whole situation has stopped being about weed or cigarettes. It has become about freedom. My brain starts sending off alarms telling me that I’m trapped, that my autonomy is disappearing, and that I’m no longer allowed to make choices for myself. It feels psychologically claustrophobic.

If it were entirely my decision, I wouldn’t even want smoking to become a huge part of my life. I don’t want to smoke every day forever. I don’t want it to define me. In my mind, it was always supposed to be something fun that I chose to do from time to time, not something that controlled my life. Ironically, the more I feel like the choice is being completely taken away from me, the more my brain wants to fight for that choice. That’s what my OCD latches onto.

I know I’ll be moving out at the end of the year, and before that, my parents won’t even be home for two months. I feel horrible for my mom because I obviously love her, and I hate seeing the person I love in pain. I hate knowing that something I’m doing is causing her so much stress. At the same time, what she’s saying is making my OCD feel 100 times worse, and I’ve tried explaining that to her many times. We’ve had this conversation countless times before, but this time it didn’t even make me want to stop smoking. Instead, it made me want to smoke less, be more secretive, and hide it better. I hate admitting that because I don’t want to be dishonest with my parents, but that’s honestly what happened inside my head. It wasn’t about wanting the weed it was about wanting to feel like I still had a choice.

That’s another reason why my dad and I handle this differently. He’s a very logical man, and while he doesn’t necessarily approve of me smoking, he doesn’t see it as me being a bad person or “sinning” the way my mom does. Because of that, I don’t really feel the need to hide things from him.

For me, this has become about much more than smoking. It has become a conflict between my need to feel like I have autonomy over my own life and my mom’s very understandable desire to protect me. I genuinely love my mom, and another part of me feels incredibly guilty because I know she’s scared and because I hate being the reason she’s hurting. She’s not trying to be cruel, she’s trying to protect me. I just wish there were a way for her to do that without my brain interpreting it as my freedom being taken away.

I have such a weird fear of mentally suffering or having severe mental health issues going undiagnosed and being forced to just deal with it for the rest of my life. I feel like I don’t understand social cues, and I overthink everything. I feel so emotionally detached and like I genuinely don’t know how to handle my emotions. I feel like I’m spiraling and I’m so scared. I just feel so hollow inside and last time I felt like this, I relapsed. Well, almost. The thoughts of suicide came back. I feel so alone and like I’m just not meant to be loved still. But now the idea of being loved scares me as well. Im expected to initiate conversations and be confident but with no fiber in my body can I make myself this way. I don’t know why. It’s just like I’m blocked from being normal. I’m so depressed and insecure about myself and I know you can read it all over my face. But I feel selfish even approaching a girl for a relationship. I have an absurd amount of baggage and it’s getting harder to hide. I feel like I’m too far down the rabbit hole of self sabotage to where there’s no return. Even now after I’ve started losing weight, I’m still so insecure about myself. And no matter what, I can’t change the fact that I have no experience. I feel like I need therapy or something, shit I know I do, but I don’t even know how to ask or anything; plus that shits expensive. Besides, they’ll just tell me the same thing everyone always says. “You have to accept yourself first.” “Don’t let an intimate relationship describe your worth.” “You need to heal yourself before pursuing others.” Two years ago I needed love to heal and now I need to heal to be worthy of receiving love? Why can’t I catch a break. And why can’t I move past this? Loneliness is the one thing I’ve never been able to get over and I don’t know why. I don’t know how else to describe how I feel besides that I’m in an ocean drowning. I’m begging for help but the only thing I get is the advice of “Swim to shore” yet there isn’t any land within a 10 mile radius.

Hi guys, I've never posted on this subreddit before, but I think I need opinions from people outside my circle about this situation. I hope this isn't too long and that I can get some helpful opinions.

Context: I'm in university, I'm 20 years old, a girl, and I have AuDHD. I've been in this major for two years now, about to start my third; it was hard to adapt, but after a lot of effort I have a solid group of friends that I love, accommodations for my special needs, and I get along well with most of my classmates.

In my major, there is this person, a woman, 30 years old, who has BPD. We got along well although we hadn't talked much, and at the beginning of this year I started spending more time with her due to classes and projects. I had heard rumors about her, that she had had problems with almost everyone in my generation, but I know that being someone with a disorder, it's easy for people's opinions to be negative, so I wanted to get to know her in depth and judge for myself.

I got along with her, but it wasn't long before my friends started noticing actions and attitudes they didn't like about her and were harmful for me. To give a few examples, she body-shamed one of my friends, she inappropriately touched us without our consent, and several times she told us in very explicit and unnecessary detail about her sex life, she continually violated my sensory boundaries. I'd like to think she didn't do any of that on purpose.

So, at some point, we decided to cut ties with her. It was via DM; I know it wasn't the best approach, but I thought both she and I would be more contained that way. I tried to always be very kind, direct, and handle the situation with all the tact I can. I know what it feels like when people you thought were close turn out not to be that close, and worse, when they pull away from you because of the way you are. In the end, she herself thanked me for being so kind to her and for the honesty, and I made it clear to her that we simply weren't close friends, but we were classmates and obviously we would continue to treat her cordially and polity. But after the conversation ended, shortly after from the same number, I received a DM supposedly from her mother, threatening to go to the authorities.

From there, everything has gone from bad to worse. She has posted on social media that she will accuse us of bullying and that she is going to get my friends and me expelled; she has gone to many of my classmates to tell them that I personally betrayed her and that I'm a hypocrite and a bad person, etc.

I started a process through my university's mediation and conciliation body, and we already have a date for the meeting, but during the follow-up meetings, the lawyer in charge has repeatedly pointed out that she has suffered the most because she is a disabled person. I hadn't mentioned my own disability until I saw the need to do so, and that several of my friends also have diagnoses like PTSD, generalized anxiety, or major depression, but the lawyer pointed out that it doesn't compare and that she does need support like the university's inclusion office, a psychologist, and a support person; rights that were not guaranteed to my friends or to me.

I don't know what to do. I feel guilty for cutting ties with her, and the last thing I want is for her to feel excluded or to feel like I'm bullying her, but I also know that the worst consequence of this is getting expelled from school and not being able to study there again. Any help?

I have diagnosed bipolar depression and ocd and I was told I’d be able to sign up for benefits but to be careful with my wording. I got to the end of the application and it has a section labeled “remarks.” It says I have 750 words but I’m not sure what to write, and I’m worried the wording will disqualify me.

18f and I’ve been struggling with depression again. I don’t enjoy anything anymore, I have no friends and I usually have no energy. I barely eat unless it’s something easy, which is rare because my mom doesn’t cook much. All I do is work which sometimes feels useless because of how little I’m making. I’ve been saving but I don’t even know what I’m working towards anymore. I have no interest in any careers except creative jobs which don’t pay anything. My family has struggled financially my whole life and I don’t want to be broke forever but thinking about working at a job I don’t give a shit about doesn’t make me want to keep going. I wanted to go to community college and I was planning on doing music production or something that interests me but I realize how useless that’ll be because it’ll be for only my enjoyment and not to progress in life. I don’t even know how I’ll be able to graduate in college because I barely graduated high school. I missed so many days because I usually have depression on and off. I can barely write an essay. I feel so stupid and useless and every time I wake up the first thought I have is “ugh I hate being awake”. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I hate myself and I have no direction in life.

To preface, don't get me wrong, my medicine works fantastically. I'm in a much better state than I'd be without it. Regardless, it seems no matter what stabilizers and antidepressants I still get generally unstable, like manic or aggressive or depressed at night. My meds are meant to be 24hr but I'm wondering if they're still just wearing off? Or is this just the extent of their capabilities?

For me, it's just sleeping on time.

I used to stay up late scrolling on my phone or thinking about work and random stuff. The next day I'd feel tired, irritated, and my mind would keep overthinking everything.

I'm not saying going to bed early fixes every problem, but I've noticed that when I get a proper night's sleep, I handle stress much better. I feel calmer, have more patience, and don't get overwhelmed as easily.

It's such a simple habit, but I ignored it for years.

What's one small habit that's actually helped your mental health? I'm looking for ideas that real people have found useful.

I feel like I don't deserve anything from anyone. Whenever someone does something nice for me, I feel incredibly grateful, but I also wonder, Why would they do that for me? I don't understand why someone would want to spend time with me or be my friend.

I don't have many friends, and my self-worth is really low. I often assume that people don't want to interact with me, talk to me, or become friends with me. It feels like everyone only notices the bad things about me. Because of that, whenever someone shows interest in me or wants to spend time with me, it feels like such a huge deal.

The weird thing is that I'll automatically drop my own plans just to be with them, even if I don't actually want to do what they're suggesting.

For example, my long-distance best friend sometimes asks me to watch a movie together on Discord by sharing her screen. I immediately say yes without even thinking, even though I'm not sure I actually want to watch the movie. I'm just so happy that she wants to spend time with me. I still can't really understand why she would choose to.

In the past, I had high expectations of my friends. I thought they would treat me the way I treated them, but I was disappointed over and over again, even by people I considered very close friends. Eventually, I lost hope and started believing that even my closest friends wouldn't truly care about me. So now, when someone actually does show that they care, I almost can't process it. It feels unreal.

I think a lot of this comes from my childhood. Throughout middle school, I was bullied by both boys and girls because of my appearance. They gave me hurtful nicknames and picked on me almost every day. I'm 19 now, but I think those experiences still affect me subconsciously.

What's strange is that I'm actually very confident around people who have nothing to do with my school or university. Around strangers or people I meet at language exchange clubs, I can be outgoing and act like my normal self. But around people from school or university, I become much more insecure.

So my problem is that I can seem very confident, but deep down I'm one of the most insecure people I've ever met. I don't really believe that people genuinely like me. In some ways, I feel like fleeting friendships are easier because I don't have time to overthink them. But when I become close to someone, I can spend days or even weeks overanalyzing every interaction.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Does this sound like low self-esteem from bullying, or is there something else going on? If you've overcome it, how did you do it?

Iam 20M , My family abused me when I was a kid and when I was a teenager, Now I have bipolar disorder my family prevent me from working (the only thing that I truly love) no one loves me , Iam lonely as a sparrow in the rain , Believe or not no one ever told me that he loves me. Iam handsome with 149IQ and Again no one even likes me , I have never had any friends or girlfriend why the hell that is happening to me

Im on 262.5mg of quetiapine, 350mg of lamotrigine, and 2mg of intuniv total of 614.5mg at once everday. I'm 16. I've been diagnosed with ADHD, bulimia, bipolar disorder, OCD and i was also diagnosed with PTSD in the past but idk if i still have that

Every other week, my psychiatrist up's my dosage because no matter how much we increase, i'm still unstable, impulsive, and anxiety ridden. don't get me wrong, my condition has improved a lot over the years, but somehow, despite being on 600mg worth of meds and increasing, i still will randomly get suicidal, have explosive emotions, VERY disordered thoughts, and im still self harming regularly on whims because i just feel like it. im not proud to admit it but i thought my friend was abandoning me so i texted another friend who had her new insta (i didnt have it cause she got banned) and i was implying i was gonna commit suicide because i was so upset about her leaving me. i impulsively sent a picture of a train passing by and i genuinely intended on killing myself because i THOUGHT i had lost a friend. we ended up being fine and apparently it wasnt serious and i was overreacting. but like i have this black and white thinking where every little thing is the end of the world "because god wants me dead" or whatever im thinking in the moment. this is just some of it, i have a lot more issues that i wont mention here cause this post is already long.

I'm wondering if i'm really on the right medicine if im still so messed up after SIX HUNDRED mg of meds DAILY at ONCE. Should i ask my psychiatrist for a re-evaluation? Has anyone experienced something similar?

Edit: title is supposed to say to* your diagnoses

I was diagnosed with something a couple years ago, I won’t say what, but now its like i show the slightest bit of emotion and people start asking, “have you taken your medicine?”, or “are you going through a episode?”, or, my favorite, when you get in a argument or a disagreement and the default is “oh that person just has xyz” ITS INFURIATING !! I am ALLOWED to be mad without being fucking crazy. I am ALLOWED to show emotion, and go through struggles just like everyone else, but as soon as I do it, its “well have you been taking your medicine?”. NO, ACTUALLY, I TAPERED OFF YEARS AGO AND FEEL BETTER THEN WHEN I WAS ON THAT STUPID BLACK LABEL BULLSHIT ASS SHIT THEY CALL “MEDICINE”. all it fucking did was make me sleep all day, gain weight, and make me chained to this fucked ass predatory ass health insurance system, I DIDNT HAVE BODY ISSUES UNTIL I GOT ON IT!! FUCK YOU! I go through struggles so FUCKED 🤦‍♀️, but nobody takes that in to account, nobody understands, or nobody cares enough to actually hear what I have to say, because in the SECOND i were to say something out of the ordinary, they try to diagnose me, like they live in MY body.

ITS SO INFURIATING, and I feel bad for anyone in a similar situation.

if you read this and can relate, you are allowed to be upset and show emotion without being “crazy” or “bipolar” or whatever. your human.
Shit, people crash out on tiktok all the time and people in the comments don’t think somethings wrong with them.

of course I know, don’t use this as a excuse to crash out violently on yourself or anyone else, but really, the world is fucked, it’s understandable to not have your shit together 24/7

all I can say is keep looking up, praying, and taking a deep breath. people shouldn’t be so judgmental but it is what it is.

I am not well,

I feel paranoid, my mind thinks that people hate me and want me to kill myself.

My mind tells me to honour them with my suicide

I’m afraid because I feel like if I do it it’s an honour killing. I listened to them. I am following their command.

I haven’t been well in a super long time - probably like 5-6 years. I went through crazy abuse and now I am just very very ill. In reality I have good people that love me through the sickness and don’t want me to die. But when I see strangers I get “paranoid”.

It’s been hard for me to work from the illness and I can’t go home because there will be more abuse. So it’s also a logical fallacy to honour those with my body. I want to die around people who love me but don’t want to traumatize anyone.

Hi all, are there more people taking agomelatine, and if so, does it help and in what way?

So I’ve recently started a mood stabilizer and antipsychotic, I’ve noticed a lot of improvement mentally, the only thing I’m noticing is I still can’t get out of bed and do anything. It’s this huge heavy feeling of not being able to do anything, I can force myself but it usually ends up with me feeling worse than I already did. It’s like there’s this huge mountain that I have to climb over to do anything and I may or may not feel worse than I already did.

It doesn’t help that I constantly live in a world of constant day dreaming that I can’t stop, which adds onto the motivation issue. These are the most exhausting things some days and I’m not sure what I can do to combat these things

Hello…I’m posting this here because I’m not sure which of my diagnoses is most responsible, and I still think but am not sure that I’m on the spectrum.

I’m 35 and just a mess….i should be in a place in life that I’m mature and not letting my feelings cause problems. But it’s not like that for us, is it? When I was 27 I was having an uncharacteristically healthy year. The prospect of my parents selling the house I grew up in came up and that year it seemed like no big deal to me. My life felt like it was taking off and I never was going to look back. I should have known myself better than that, but my ego was in the drivers seat that year, feeling like I had finally figured adulthood out and didn’t need anyone or anything from the past. I say I should have known myself better because I have struggled mentally since 17. I should have looked so much deeper into it than what I felt like I needed at that exact moment.

At 30 I had a pretty significant breakdown and haven’t made it back to that high point at 27. It’s been so long that I don’t have confidence I ever will. And in this vulnerable state and depressed state I deeply need familiarity to return to and I can’t believe I didn’t foresee that. For someone who is so neurodivergent that when I break something I try and replace it with the exact same thing, how did I not think that I would struggle to leave behind a home base? My parents remind me that I sort of brought this about since they asked me if I cared, and I said no. Mind you, I also had it in my head at the time that I wanted to be the mature adult daughter, and my ego wanted me to play that role cool and nonchalantly even though my parents really meant what they were asking me. Im their only child. But to me at the time being successful meant not needing the past or my hometown. It was all ego and I never really took the time to figure out how my heart felt. It’s all a lot more complicated than I can get into but in the end it would have been possible to keep the house and for them to still move to where they are now, but there’s no undoing it now that it’s sold.

It’s been a few years but I keep having dreams about the old house, and it keeps hitting me clearer and clearer after my grandparents died and their house was sold too that there is nowhere from my childhood that I can return to. I know that is fairly typical for a lot of people but I think as a very sensitive, mentally ill person it is affecting me differently.

I’m just visiting my parents new house for the first time and I did not expect the emotions that I’m having. I knew what I was walking into but It has triggered a full melt down and I feel very ashamed about it. My parents are happy here and I’m feeling sorry for myself? A few days ago I was at a baby shower for my cousin and felt the same way. I can be happy for these people, truly, but witnessing that happiness also reminds me how unhappy I am—uprooted, single for over a decade, without purpose or vision, just struggling, and it triggers deep despondency in me. It feels like until I find purpose and happiness in my life that I can’t be around family because I either bring them down or am wearing a mask and just not saying much so as to keep to myself just how poorly I’m doing

So I (17M) have for the last couple years had a weird problem that comes and goes, mainly it's being unable to act on things but mostly seeing things related to what I want to do makes me physically feel like I'm about to throw up. I get the same feeling from people doing notably well in things that I don't do. This comes alongside feeling lonely, left out and severely anxious about not being able to do everything, from basic things like exercise to unreasonable things like discord and Minecraft servers.(Having a desire to join a seemingly endless amount of them regardless of the things I actually want to do.) Also I for whatever reason don't feel any sense of anticipation when doing things which grant a reward at the end. Like I feel the same if I get nothing for completing this task, than if I were to get cake or even a million dollars for completing the same task, and even when presented with said reward it's like. Oh I have this thing now.

Thank you in advance for any advice, and I would also accept any form of other help.