I wrote this once on my other account but this is my correct account and I want to have it on here too.

I went to the hospital for depression and ideations. They admitted me. I decided to try ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) for it to see if it would change my thinking and help my thoughts.

Well about the fourth round it caused me to have a psychotic break. This leading to catatonia, an attack on a stranger, and me thinking I had a son whilst in the hospital. It also led to me losing my capacity to make my own medical decisions. My mother became my temporary medical power of attorney. They also moved me from the adult unit to CRIC - the intensive care unit of the psychiatric unit.

After a couple weeks I finally came to and was like woah wtf how do I get my rights back. Eventually I did and got transferred over to the DDU dual diagnosis unit for the rest of my treatment stay. It was so awkward too like every time the treatment team came in it was like 10 doctors where it was a teaching hospital.

I’m glad to be out and doing better. I’m still having a lot of trouble with my memory and finding words and stuff I’ve found. Still a bit depressed but not like I was. They diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder.

Works better than any sleep aide a doc has prescribed.

The snooze hits me hard, I get a good six / seven hours sleep, no crazy dreams, and I don’t feel like a sack of potatoes in the AM.

I’ve used it to knock myself out maybe once or twice a month for the last 15 years.

Recently I’ve been wanting to lean on the Benadryl crutch more frequently so interested to hear others experiences with this hot pink sleep machine.

I feel like I've been making "goals" in my life just to delay the feeling of wanting to die. My first goal was graduating from high school. The second was getting into a good university and finishing college. The third was landing my first job, and that's where I am now.

It's not that I hate my life right now. It's just that, no matter how things turned out, they never really seemed to matter. Whether I accomplish something or not, I still feel empty. I haven't done anything to actively act on my ideations, but a part of me wishes that everything would just end.

Recently, my half sister has been showing concerning behaviors and I'm worried something deeper is at play.

Last Thanksgiving, my brother/fiance/parents/I (my sister had to work) were at an extended family gathering. Right as my brother and I left for home, my sister called my uncle and revealed that she left work early because her crush sent her signs that he was ready for a relationship with her. For context, she's been obsessed with this YouTuber for years and has always claimed to feel they were meant to be together. (She experienced severe trauma when she was young at her dad's house, so she's always been very immature/naiive for her age. I feel as though she regresses at times, but I don't know enough about regression to make that claim.) We figured it was pretty innocent because she's never dated anyone and at times, acts like she knows it's silly. But that night, she was completely different. She told my uncle that Tweety Bird and her Grandpa Mark (who is deceased) told her that the YouTuber was on the way to pick her up for their date. My uncle passed the phone to my mom, who also sent me a warning text because she didn't know what I was going to be walking into and knew it was off. My fiance and I walk in first because we knew it wouldn't be safe for her to leave so we planned to take her keys from her. My brother is a little younger than us, so I wanted to keep him as safe as possible. Once we're inside, we feel an immediate switch in the atmosphere. We send my brother to his room as he bursts into tears (legit, I have never seen him cry past the age of 12 besides when we put our childhood dog down so I knew he was terrified). My sister's eyes were essentially all pupil and widened to the max. She was moving and talking a mile a minute (which is severely out of character for her) because she was trying to get ready for their date. My fiance is able to keep her calm and distracts her long enough for me to sneak her keys out of her purse. We convince her to sit down and tell us about the signs/date. We're going from the angle of interest so we don't alarm her and buy some time until my parents get home. Nothing she says makes sense and it's all incredibly illogical. She follows no real thought pattern and just giggles through every word. My parents get home and take her to the hospital in case she experienced some kind of head injury or if something else is at play. It comes out that work sent her home early because she thought she saw someone take a photo of her car and convinced herself that security was plotting against her so she went into the break room and didn't work for three hours. She said she thought the CIA was tracking her. While they're gone, I'm able to log into her computer and her accounts and found that her obsession went deeper than we thought. For years, she messaged this guy daily. She's sent him pictures of herself, memes, invitations on dates, intimate messages of her fantasies of them, our address, our names, details of her life, etc. He's never replied or really even opened her messages from what I can tell, but she's fully convinced they are destined to get married. I dig through her room and find notebooks full of her fantasies and interests and you can literally see her descent. Even her handwriting has changed into illegible scribbles when it used to be so neat and printed. The hospital can't do anything really because she hasn't hurt herself/others or threatened to, though my mom makes her see a psychiatrist.

For awhile, she seemed to sit at a baseline and everything seemed relatively normal. Though she's still convinced they'll be together, she's stopped messaging him and is going to work regularly. The other day, however, she essentially pulls a 180. She texts me at 4:40AM to not leave the house and don't tell dad. After a little prodding, she explains that she thinks dad has been taking mom's GLP-1 medicine so what else could he be hiding? Convinced he's cheating, she rifles through their room and packs her car full of old papers my mom has set aside to be shredded. My parents come home from work and my mom sits her down and explains that dad is definitely not cheating. My sister shows her Life360 updates from him, claiming she doesn't recognize the addresses he's been to. My mom sits and shows her that every address is a store my dad went to for birthday shopping for her, so she seems to accept that and seems back to baseline. Later that night, she rushes out the door and says she won't come inside until my dad is gone because she won't live with a cheater. My mom follows her out and tries to calm her down, but she's now in the same state she was in on Thanksgiving. She starts rambling about lead poisoning and Blue from Blue's Clues telling her to look at papers from 2002. My mom gets her to come with her to the hospital where they get her a psych consult. This time, they suggest an inpatient stay but my sister refuses. She won't consider an inpatient stay, outpatient treatment, or even an online consultation. Because she's an adult and hasn't shown any violence to herself or others, they can't make her do anything. She's been staying at her friend's house and occasionally coming home during the day so my mom can try to keep an eye on her. She seems to shift in and out of reality and we have no idea what to do.

I am terrified she's going to slip into deep psychosis and not realize what she's doing. I'm worried she's going to get in the car and get hurt. I'm worried she'll end up hurting someone because she sometimes gets aggressive in her tone. I know that when people are in psychosis, they don't behave like themselves so I don't want to trust my belief she won't ever get violent. My brother is still recovering from a suicide attempt in January, so I'm worried this will send him over the edge because he takes all this stuff to heart. We are so lost on what to do because we love her, but we are so scared of what could happen.

This is something I've been thinking about lately. I'm wondering if anyone else can relate.

When I've been struggling for a while I sometimes have a day where I actually feel... Okay. Nothing amazing a little lighter than usual.

Instead of enjoying it I start questioning it.

I think things like, Maybe I was just making everything up or If I can feel okay today then why was I struggling much yesterday?

It's a strange cycle because I end up feeling guilty for feeling better even if its only for a few hours.

I've been trying to remind myself that having one day doesn't erase the difficult ones. Progress isn't always a line and its probably normal, for things to go up and down.

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this.

Do you ever find yourself feeling guilty or questioning yourself when you have a day? How do you remind yourself that it's okay to have days without feeling like your struggles weren't real?

I'd really like to hear peoples experiences because I don't think this gets talked about very often.

Since a week ago my girlfriend has been having extreme crisises, she went to the hospital but they couldnt let her stay. I suspect it has something to do with two main things.

One is her home and her mother.

The other is medication.

She is supposed to take 150mg of fluvoxamine, 1,5 mg of Delorazepam, 40mg of latuda and 100mg of lamotrigine.

She used to have crisises less often, but lately during crisises, when my girlfriend is too fucked up to react, her mother gives her 3mg of delorazepam and a lot of clotiapine (i dont know how much) without the psychiatrist's input.

I am scared, I dont know whats happening, she's too disassociated to actually tell me what happens during those times. Two days ago she actually had a horrible reaction to the dose of clotiapine. Her psychiatrist treats her horribly and her mother doesnt want her to change it, she just started again talk therapy but because her mother told her to start with diagnostic tests, she is currently focusing on that and her sessions are made up of making tests. She hates the tests because they make her feel like a failure, and her mother tells her she is schizophrenic (which she is not, she has intrusive thoughts), then bipolar, then bpd. Last time she had diagnostic tests they clearly said she was not bpd, but had mdd and is autistic.

I dont know what to do can someone tell me if I'm seeing things wrong? She has been in a depressive episode the past 7 months. How do I help?

I have a very long list of things I was being treated for, the short story is just for so long I've realized there's no logical reason for me to continue living and being stuck here against my will feels like I'm constantly being assulted and it gets so bad at times I will start scratching the skin off my face. I have no family or friends, and I have a partner that's been trying to take care of me. I haven't had work in over a year and the idea of working just to make money to contribute to living like this makes me feel horrible, but I have no choice but to try and find work because money is so tight right now. When I was receiving treatment it didn't work, and now I can't afford to start back up to find something that works. I've been denied disability because of the paper work. I tried going through state services to get a job but the process will involve me being back on a working treatment plan before they help with employment, I don't have the time or money go through with their program. To add to everything I don't have my own transportation because my car broke down before I became too unwell to work so any job I look into has to be within a certain distance and pay a certain amount to justify paying for a ride with there being no public transportation. And if we really want to add to everything I can feel that my partner no longer loves me the same, they've refused to leave me when I begged them to, they are actually the only reason I'm alive because they made the phone call that saved me, but ever since then I've started becoming more of a pet to them, I get the bare minimum attention, there's no more intimacy and I've caught them lying to me. My entire life exists sitting on my laptop, not even doing anything most of the time, just sitting at my desk from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. I'm trying to be better but I have no idea what to do because it feels like there's just nothing to fight for. Why am I wrong for not wanting to live like this?

I have been recently struggling with the fact that when I was 5, I committed an inappropriate act with my younger sister; it wasn’t yk naked stuff or really freaky stuff, but it was definitely inappropriate, and no sibling should touch each other like that. I know our dad knows but probably doesn’t remember because when he caught us he whooped us. This memory was never really present in my life until last September, and now I can’t stop feeling guilty about how she is going to grow up, or whether she even remembers, because I haven’t seen her in years or even really had a good relationship with her. I told my friend before, and he keeps telling me that I wasn’t conscious, didn’t know what I was doing, and was only repeating what my cousin did to me, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I did it. I mean, I am so disgusting and a hypocrite. I advocate for human rights and especially death to all predators. Still, I am one myself and what’s worse is for the last couple of years ever since I’ve come to terms that the only sexual experiences that I have had have been with my cousin, a grown man, and a grown woman when I was younge. I’ve been so selfish thinking about myself and about how it affected me that I completely forgot what I did to my sister. My friend keeps telling me that I am not a bad person, but he is just a liar. I don’t know why so many people lie to me and make me believe they care for me or that they want to help me, but I think it’s because I am a horrible, disgusting person. Now that I think about it, it makes sense why my dad blamed me for getting molested once again by my cousin; it’s because he remembered what I did and thinks that I probably seduced my cousin. It all makes sense. I don’t have sexual thoughts of any kind towards children now or even after that event, except when I was a child and had a crush, but those crushes have always been sexual in my mind, even for the guy in my 4th-grade class who said he wanted to do nonconsensual acts to me and even had dreams about it. I don’t know what to do, but I am here because I believe pedophilia is a mental illness that needs to be separated from society but still treated with care.

I've been so tired trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I've been working through with my therapist trying to be content with myself and my mental state and the fact that nothing's wrong with me. My psychiatrist on the other hand sent me a bunch of questionnaires. The one in regards to BPD fit me to a T and I ended up answering yes on everything. I'm freaking out a little but it's getting really hard not to slip back into speculating about my mental health and asking myself if this is a real answer or not. I don't even know how or if she's gonna respond about it and I'm trying really hard not to think about it.

I’m scared that I might just be a selfish person because I haven’t seen anyone speak about this before. Can someone please help me with this? I have OCD so that could be impacting my judgement but I’m not sure. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel like I can trust myself about anything and i can’t even tell what’s rational or not anymore.

I care a lot about doing the right thing, always being kind, not supporting the dairy/egg/meat industries (Ive been vegan since Feb this year), boycotting brands that fund Israel, test on animals, etc. speaking up on important issues, etc. But I can’t tell if everything I’m doing is because I actually care or if I just care about looking good.

I’ve been boycotting as many brands as I can for a long time now, but I remember last year buying a couple of things from Cadbury even after I’d found out they support Israel. I don’t know if it was because I’m selfish, i didn’t think it would matter because I’d already been boycotting basically everything or that it didn’t feel real when I was in the grocery store and was able to just buy whatever I wanted.
This also happened last year, I’d seen a couple of TikTok’s about the reality of the dairy/egg/meat industries and it made me sick, I’d never heard about any of it before and I felt so terrible for the animals in the videos. But every time I’d go to eat any animal product after that, it just didn’t feel real, it wasn’t clicking in my mind that I WOULD be supporting those industries by purchasing from them and that I should go vegan. I’d unintentionally procrastinate going vegan as well, like I’d eat a vegan dinner two times a week and because it didn’t feel real to me I didn’t feel guilty (until I’d see a TikTok about it, scroll and forget again).

It could be because I might have adhd, I’ve seen people talk about how it’s common for people with adhd to see something that needs fixing (e.g. mouldy fruit that needs to be thrown out) and they know they should do it, but their brain doesn’t transform the information “there is mouldy fruit” to “I have to throw away mouldy fruit” and i don’t think much of it.

Another time in 2023 I found out temu was bad and I deleted the app, but in 2024 I redownloaded it and brought stuff. But then I saw a TikTok about how bad it is and I deleted it again, it felt like i hadn’t heard about it before but obviously I had. It feels like whenever something is visible to me it’s really important and I care a lot about it, but the second I look at something else I just forget it. I don’t know if that makes any sense, I’m sorry if it doesn’t

It’s really confusing for me because I feel like I do care about others and doing the right thing but then I just remember these things I’ve done and I feel like I’m a terrible person.

If I don’t reply to you, I’m sorry. It’s because i struggle a lot with talking to people, I’m just posting on reddit because i don’t have anywhere else to go and I have ocd so this is a compulsion

Edit: i think a lot of the time i do good things because I’m scared of being a bad person (ocd) but i think that even if i didn’t have ocd, id still be doing good things. Lots of times when i do good things i don’t care in the slightest about doing it to look good but I’m still afraid of looking bad, just that it’s not the reason I’m doing it