Hey, I've been struggling with romantic attraction and how it expresses itself ever since I had my first real relationship. A friend suggested I might be demiromantic, but I want to get confirmation from a community. So here's my story:

I'm a 19 year old trans girl, I definitely feel a sort of attraction to people (mostly women/fem) but I am scared of committing to a relationship due to a past experience where I hurt my angel of an ex because I wasn't able to reciprocate. I ended up calling myself Aro for a while until I met my current wifey (not a girlfriend yet due to the fear of relationships I stated before). We talked a bit in the past but never in depth, but when we met this time, we almost instantly clicked. We shared personality traits, traumas, (nsfw warning kinks), and so much more. Every day that passes, we learn new things we share or ways we perfectly fit each other. And I definitely feel a way I'm inclined to call love but still afraid to. The thing is, from reading what other people have described it as, demiromance requires a while of connecting before romantic attraction happens. And while yes, I and her fit each other like puzzle pieces, and we connected really fast, I'm worried that it would still disqualify that from the demiromantic title. I'd love to know everyone else's input. And if you don't think I'm Demiro, what other label do you think would work?

Uhh hiya everyone, first post here (literally subbed 5 minutes ago lol)

I (28M) have been using the label of demiromantic for a little under a year at this point. For quite a while, I pondered whether I was just genuinely incapable of feeling any romantic attraction whatsoever, then I developed a crush on a good friend of mine and confessed; they were already seeing someone and didn't feel the same way, but I didn't feel so much hurt as purely pleasantly surprised that I actually *could* feel that way about someone. We are also still very good friends, luckily. Through that line of thinking (and with the help of friends who are more knowledgeable about the aromantic spectrum) I eventually arrived at demiromantic.

But now that I've found I am capable of feeling romantic attraction for someone, provided we develop a substantial emotional bond first, I... still would like to be loved, like that. At times I feel like a walking contradiction: I'm basically incapable of feeling romantic attraction for someone I don't know/trust/get along with first, but I can't deny that somewhere, I have a real desire to be romantically loved and to love in return. And the latter is so difficult because the 'regular' avenues of approach of dating (apps) and the like don't work for me. I have had one actual date in my entire life and nothing really came from that, I have been frustrated by every single app I've been on so far and going out and trying to purposefully meet people to date feels disingenuous towards myself and them. It makes me frustrated with myself, if I were to talk down to myself more than I usually do I'd call myself malfunctional. Anyway, I'd love to hear you guys' perspective on this, if it resonates or anything, thanks in advance.

Sorry, this is kind of going to be a lot! I just have so many things on my mind right now and I don't know any other demi people I can talk to.

TL;DR: I've (22F) only ever had intense feelings for someone once. He was a very close friend of mine, and our friendship came to an end after we both caught feelings on and off, intimate things happened between us, and then he stopped talking to me. It left me with a lot of trauma. Recently, we met up after a year of no contact so I could get some clarity on why he acted the way he did. It helped me a lot, but it also made me realize how much I miss him despite what he did to me. It also reminded me of how strongly I felt towards him, and how much I still feel for the person he was before he hurt me. It's already been a year of rehashing all of this in therapy over and over again. How do I move on from him?
I also can't shake the awful feeling that I'll just never find someone for me. I'm a grad student, and my social circle is pretty limited to my cohort. I live in a small town. I just have no idea how to date or meet people organically. I want so badly to be loved and to experience a healthy relationship, but... man, I just don't know how people do it. I'm so terrified that I will never be able to experience that. I'm also so scared that the feelings I had for my friend will continue to linger, and that this will be the only time I ever feel so strongly. Despite the terrible things he did to me, it's like there's still a string in the middle of my chest pulling me to him. I just want to stop feeling this for him. I want to feel like this for someone who will be good for me. What if I just never have that? It's one of the things that scares me the most.
I know if there was an answer for this, then there wouldn't be so many "how to date as a demiromantic person?" posts, but I could really use some hope right now.

The extensive context:
I think I've only ever caught genuine feelings for someone once in my life. My whole life, I've been able to find people attractive, but I've never been struck with an intense desire to truly BE with someone (except for the one time). I was in a relationship when I was 15, but it was emotionally abusive and left me with a lot of trauma (especially surrounding sex and trusting men). Looking back, I don't think I had true feelings for my ex, but I fell into the relationship because we were such good friends and he was persistent.
In July of 2024 while working on an online project, I met a guy who lived in another country. We VERY quickly became close friends, and we clicked very intensely. He even came to stay with me for a bit. In October of that year, he confessed feelings for me and I didn't feel the same at the time. He took a bit of space, and then we continued to be friends. He was very avoidantly attached, but he was actually becoming a different person during our friendship-- a better, more communicative person, which he attributed to me. It's hard to communicate just how important this friendship was to me. We spoke every single day. We knew everything about each other.
In January of 2025, I came to visit him. I met his friends, I slept in his bed, and we walked around the city holding hands. I realized I was catching feelings, and I was determined to never tell him. Months later (around April of that year), it just came out. The feelings had grown so strong that I literally couldn't hold them in anymore, and he had started talking about a girl he was casually speaking to, so I knew it was a "now or never" situation. I'd never felt this way before EVER-- I eventually realized that this is what having true feelings for someone is like. He told me he had to think on it, then after a few days he said that he didn't reciprocate. Then a few days later, he said that he wanted to come see me (following up on a trip we had planned, but had decided to postpone following my confession).
A lot happened during the week in May that he came to visit me. The first night after I picked him up from the airport, he kissed me and slept in my bed. I trusted him so much, and things happened physically between us during that week that were my first experiences ever. At the same time, he was texting the other girl in front of my face (often right after we would be intimate). He was being weirdly passive-aggressive towards me (trying to push me away, I think) and would tell me that it meant nothing to him/it was just physical/I would get over it. He would then turn around and tell me that he was so lucky, that I'm the closest thing to perfect a person could be, etc. It felt like he was a completely different human being. I felt disgusting and hurt and ashamed that I still felt so strongly towards him while he was hurting my feelings.
After he left, he was dodging my texts and it took another friend of mine talking some sense into me for me to realize that he didn't care about me anymore. I decided that I wouldn't message him unless he messaged me first, and (aside from briefly wishing me a happy birthday), we never spoke again.
For the whole year, I held the pain of that week with me. I could barely process everything that had happened. I felt so betrayed, especially considering he knew my history with men. More than anything, he was so so important to me, and I missed him. A lot.
In January of 2026, I went back to his country to visit some other friends I had in the area, and he casually reached out with a generic sorry and asked to catch up. I wasn't ready. Now (July of 2026), I'm in his country again visiting those same friends and just vacationing. A couple of days ago, I met with him to hash things out, as stated above. It was really, really emotional. He apologized earnestly and seems to have made genuine progress as a person. I was able to tell him just how messed up I was after everything that happened, and I did not hold back in telling him exactly WHAT upset me (a lot of things). He said that he missed me and still cared so much for me, and that what he did to me was one of two major regrets he has in his entire life. He told me he still believes that I am as close to perfect as a person could be.
I truly went into meeting with him having no intention of having him back in my life in any capacity, but my god, I was just reminded of how much I loved him as a friend. Ultimately, we decided to keep our contact closed off, but I'm left with the reminder of how much I felt for him and how, despite everything, I still care.

I spent a good deal of my life,

Bathing alone in the sunlight,

Staying nourished as I can,

Finding company with my brethren.

They are my many friends,

Having already bloomed into beauty,

Displaying their finest petals,

Full of life and color.

I look at them together,

Happily holding leaves,

Even after having just met,

Standing tall by each other.

I haven't quite bloomed yet,

Waiting for that right moment,

Getting to know them first,

As if they were my best friend.

I don't care how others look,

Doesn't matter what color or size,

No matter how perfect they are,

I want to know them inside out.

My best friend by me is special,

Even with its torn leaves or petals,

Sometimes drooping downwards,

Yet I see such defining beauty.

Slowly yet surely,

Something beautiful happened inside,

I finally started to bloom,

Revealing petals I never knew I had.

It was a magnificent sight,

After all this time,

My feelings are now out in the open,

Holding dear to my best friend.

Through each day since then,

Bathing together in the sunlight,

Staying nourished as we can,

Finding company with my true love.

That's when I learned a secret,

One I never knew myself till now,

How I've been living,

My life as a demiflower.

Hello my fellow Demi’s,
I’m in the process of starting writing a Demiromantic novel and want to make sure I’m doing the community justice. Are there any traits or difficulties that you experience as someone who is demi that you would love to see represented?

So this past weekend I was vending a big pride event, and I had a couple come up to my booth and the lady was buying a print from me. Some context I paint a lot of naked fem people and have been since highschool. The woman made a comment about how hopefully people will realize shes queer if she has more nude lady art in her house. It reminded me of before I realized I was queer people would come into my house/see what I painted and would be like obviously you're into women, and I would respond with "no I just think women's bodies are beautiful and fun to paint". So I shared that with them and they laughed and then they asked if I was demi!!

I said yes, that I was more greyromantic and shared how I had found that out, found this community, and then met my partner shortly after.

Then they shared that they were also demi. The lady said she was a little bit of both demi romantic/demi sexual and then they were like sometimes you find your person <3

It felt so good and reassuring to have someone recognize it and to meet other people who experience the same thing. Especially because after I started dating my partner my friends would sometimes comment about how "I thought I was demi" and I would have to be like I still am, and explain to them what grey romantic was.

Anyway I wanted to share because it was really sweet and beautiful!!

I mean like, crushes where you attracted to them and imagining things with them but once you get to know them, your feelings suddenly disappeared? But when there's a person you're friends with without having a feeling for them at first and overtime you suddenly develop a feeling towards them but have a hard time accepting it? Does this count as demiromantic too?

Have you ever felt like you just couldn’t care about anyone romantically, like your heart was closed off?
Does it ever change?

So im a 14m (almost 15) and i've figured out that i am a closeted gay demiromantic. I figured this out only about 2 years ago with my now ex bff, who was gay but i never told him how i felt about him as what if he didnt like me back an i ruin my 3 year friendship with him.

Anyways fast forward 8 months and i meet this other teen on roblox, we chat and play games together. 4 months later i ask if he has a discord account and he does so i add him, and we get even closer everyday. After 2 months we eventually get comfortable enough to get on call and so we call practically everyday.

Now for the bad, i was developed feelings for him and so i asked one of our mutual friends who knows him irl if he was dating anyone and they said yes. Hes been dating a girl for 3 years, and i've had to live with this for over 2 months now, hes also says hes asexual only being with his gf because shes been with him from his lows.

I've been suppressing my feelings towards him from like month 5 since we meet on dc and its been making me feel so awkward when ever we get on call or like are alone in a gc call. I've wanted to tell him about how i feel but i know he would say no and it would put a wedge in our friendship. Why can't i find anyone else that will listen, be there, and care about me like him. hes 15 now only a few months older then me, and my brain keeps screaming hes the one i need, it won’t shut up every time i get on call with him.

First off, I know for a fact that I am not simply aromantic as I have been in a relationship before and felt romantic love toward them.

However, I don't think I've ever had a "crush" on anyone and never felt the honeymoon phase (no rush of dopamine or butterflies in my stomach)

Demi-romantic is described as you only feel romantic attraction to people you are close to, but do demi-romantic people develop intense crushes afterwards? Do they feel the intense dopamine of new love unlike me?

Id love to hear your analysis and how you navigate your identities as well

Hi! I’m a 25-year-old woman, and I have never dated or had a romantic relationship. As far as I know, no one has really approached me romantically either—or at least I haven’t noticed when they have. And I wonder a lot if it is because I belive im demiromantic, and how u guys date beeing it.

I don’t think I’m the most attractive woman in the world, but I also don’t believe I’m particularly unattractive. When I was a teenager, I remember a few guys telling me that they were attracted to me, but I always rejected them or found a way to run away from the situation.

Even now, on the rare occasions when I realize that a man might be approaching me romantically—maybe two or three times—I usually stop replying or make it clear that I’m unavailable. I have even implied that I have a boyfriend when I don’t. Part of the reason is that I genuinely wasn’t attracted to those particular men, but I also think kind of get scare.

I have also never really been in love or had a strong crush. I can think of maybe two men I have been interested in, but they were both much older than me. In both cases, I only started finding them attractive after hearing them speak about certain topics and seeing how they thought. Because of this, I have wondered whether I might be demiromantic or sexual. At the same time, I know that I often say no before allowing any emotional connection to develop, so I’m not sure whether it is about my sexuality, fear, avoidance, or a mixture of different things.

Some friends have told me when we speak about this that I seem unavailable or difficult to approach, even when I am comfortable around people. That might explain why men do not usually flirt with me—or why I don’t recognize it when they do. I honestly don’t know how to tell when someone is interested in me, how to respond without immediately running away, or how to show interest when I feel it.

My current lifestyle probably doesn’t help either. I work from home and don’t go out very often, so I am not meeting many new people naturally.

The confusing part is that I do dream about having a partner. I would love to experience romantic love, emotional intimacy, companionship and even some of those sweet, movie-like moments. I’m also starting to feel pressure from my parents and friends to date and have a serious relationship. Sometimes I feel as though I need to meet someone soon if I eventually want to get married and have children.

However, I don’t want to date someone only because I feel behind or pressured. I want to become more open without forcing myself to accept attention from people I genuinely don’t like or ignoring my own boundaries.

How can I work on seeming and feeling more approachable? How can I learn to recognize when someone is interested, show that I’m interested too, and give people a chance without immediately shutting down or pulling away? Has anyone else gone through something similar?

I’ve (20 M) been single for almost a year. I date strictly close friends. I dated my previous boyfriend for 2 years and prior to that, I was in the worst mental state of my life. When we dated, he pulled me out of said bad mental state. Now, I’ve been back in a terrible mental state for a little while (not related to anything with the breakup) and I want to start dating again because I want to find someone to love and someone to love me, but it’s hard to do that when I need a deep strong connection first. I’ve thought about trying dating apps, but the second I thought of it, I was like “No way, absolutely not” because that stuff genuinely makes me feel physically ill. So basically I want to start dating someone again, but it’s hard for me to do that being demi, and I have no idea what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

i'm writing a fanfic with a greyro character and trying to figure out how he night act in the beginnings of a romantic relationships. i'm aro-spec but have never been in a relationship, so i came to reddit for help. i've already posted about this in the greyro subreddit, but considering that the character was very close friends - just short of best friends - with his partner for around 3 years before they start dating, i thought this subreddit might also be helpful for my questions. tbh with the way i've written him and based on canon, demiromantic is probably as applicable of a label as greyromantic lol. anyways, obviously aro-spec people aren't a monolith, but i'm just trying to see if being on the aromantic spectrum may hold influence on how one acts and feels in a new relationship.

- is/was your partner alloromantic?

- did you feel new relationship energy? like the feeling that your partner/relationship is the most perfect special thing in the world for the first couple months of being together? intense excitement and infatuation? the honeymoon phase as it may also be called? if so, how long did that last?

- did you notice that your partner was feeling the new relationship energy? if so, how did you feel about that?

- did you LIKE the new relationship energy? or did you just want to skip ahead to established relationship vibes?

- how long did you know your partner before hand?

- did dating feel like a big change? if so, were you happy about that?

I can't believe that my ex has been like this but she has dated 5 different guys this summer and now shes saying that she will wait for me for as long as it takes, however ive given her 2 chances before and she messed them up by either cheating or leaving me to get back with her abusive ex. Im practically her safety net and im done with her and shes becoming a nussiance especially with school coming back around, I would like to not be harsh but I think its time I be honest with her how everyone percieves her but im just done with her I want a romantic relationship like the one we had but it will never happen becuase she is like a hoe and I just can't I want someone who I can show myself around but that won't happen because I can't show myself around my closest of friends and family its locked away far so I don't know I also have a thing to seperate my emotions from a lot of situations making them feel blurred and just like im there what should i do?

I am very iffy i guess when it comes to romance. I crave it a whole lot like so much its kinda annoying. I have been in two relationships the first one I was cheated on and the second one she was into that whitchcraft and I lean towards god so it wasn't going to workout. But I have learned a lot in one school year so I refuse to act off of emotions nor do I show who I truly am to anybody not even my mom.I feel like those who act off their emotions can either succeed or fail but mostly fail so thats why in most things I want to be able to function in a rational unemotional way. Now obviously I do have a passion I love reading and writing, Wrestling, football, and field, as well as call of duty those are the things I Basically live for other than romance, I've been covering that by reading stories and manga. I just wonder will I ever be able to show who I truly am to anybody it just feels wrong to do that becuase humas are cruel we as a species are emotional and we feed off of negativity the world is a shithole thats why I don't want to do that. "A grain of sand will never know how small he is impossible"-lil darkie. Music is one of my other passions one of my deepest passions tbh. So I need advicedo you think i can go anywhere with romance

My realisation started to form with a compilation of a few things.

okay for starters i am also on the asexual spectrum, most likely demi as well. this will be a little rant thanks for reading and sparing me a bit of ur time.

the first hint was when one time i was talking to a friend, and they told me that they can never feel romantic feelings towards a friend. it's either they think of them romantically or platonically. and once they think of their crush platonically and as a friend, it's over. i thought to myself at that time that, i was the opposite. i cant really think of someone romantically unless im good friends with them first. because, obviously you cant like someone you hardly know or dont have much ground in common with! you have to have common interests and opinions right..?

when i downloaded bumble 2 days ago, man this app was hell. i felt so awkward using it, even saying smth romantic or slightly flirty felt like crossing a boundry or being disrespectful. i initially blamed it on being neurodivergent, because i always struggle with the feelings of shame and feeling disconnected from people, especially someone who isnt also neurodivergent. it's either we connect immediately or no, you know? well it's probably part of it too.

anyway, casual dating feels dreadful to me. it doesnt feel genuine and mostly forced. and now that i think about it, my "crushes" before, were always so superficial and a mere passing thought. like i'd see someone and think "oh wow they look super cool, we have a lot of common interests and they seem sweet!" and then i dont exactly get to know the person very well so it fades very quickly and sometimes immediately. though recently.. i realised i have a serious crush for once, and it's on my roommate. she's really everything i sought in romantic relationships and platonic friendships both. and i truly love her as a person and she means a lot to me, but id never really confess because honestly? i am happy with what i have right now. she's nice and also really treasures me as a friend so i dont want to lose that. and i know for sure we cant date, since i am asexual. it's just that sometimes it weighs on my mind, or i feel a random urge to kiss her haha. anyway.

what do we think? thank u sm if u read this far i appreciate it!

A post about how suddenly half of the people say they also work like that, and friends and family try to convince you you're "normal" and don't need labels

I first realized I didn't really typically fall in love fast like most people and then one day i was talking with one of my friends, telling them how it takes me awhile to like someone and how i hardly have feelings for someone, and then they came to a conclusion that I am on the asexual spectrum. and i was like, "No wonder why that makes sense" but in my life span I have only ever really had 4 true crushes. I know sometimes I force myself to have crushes, but that doesn't count, but i do like how i dont really fall for random people but it's people I'd rather build a deep connection and then later on the feelings start building up like a friends-to-lovers type of thing but idk, it's so hard because everytime i make a new friend, I don't want to see it as an opportunity to "like them" or "date them," but sometimes i do that, and i feel bad but idk, I just want a lover, and I don't want it to be a friend because most of the time (90%), they will most likely friendzone you, and since I can't do much (my current situation, I'd rather not explain what that is), but idk, I just want to have my first lover, but its so hard because it takes me months or even a year to like someone, so idk, guys, my first rant, though. I am 15 and i officially knew I was demiromantic at 13-14 :)

So basically I’ve been trying to figure out my labels lately I think I might be an allosexual demiromantic. But I keep hearing people say that demiromantic people don’t have crushes and that make me doubt myself a little I wanted to see if anyone else relates to this.
So a lot of definitions say demiromantic people don't really get "crushes," but I feel like that might look different for someone who is also allo.
To be direct: I absolutely have a physical "type." I’m a face guy (not an ass or boobs guy), and there are definitely women I see who I think are insanely gorgeous because of their cute faces. I get what I would call a sexual crush on them meaning, I would absolutely be down to sleep with them based on looks alone. That side of me is 100% allosexual.
But the romantic side is totally different. Even if a girl is gorgeous, I don’t want to date her or form a relationship right away. If I get to know her and our personalities don't click, or I find out things about her I don't like, I have zero interest in a relationship. I might still be willing to sleep with her, but the romantic potential is completely dead. I only ever want to date someone after I actually get to know them and form a real bond.
So basically, I experience instant sexual crushes, but my romantic attraction is strictly secondary and takes time to build.
Does this actually fit the definition of an allosexual demiromantic? Or am I just a regular allosexual alloromantic who just happens to have high standards for who I date?
Would love to hear from any other allo-demis or anyone who understands the split attraction model!

Ok chat so you know how we fall in love for our besties, I need to fall OUT of love before this damages our friendship. How do you do it? Please tell me there’s a solution.

Istg I catch feelings for my friends and I can't feel attracted to people who aren't my friends. But then I never ask my friends out because I'm afraid they'll reject me, because I think I'm chopped and annoying, (idk if i am or not tho bc i know my lack of self-esteem is distorting those feelings but i don't think they're baseless.) and i wouldn't want to ruin what we have. If I ask anyone out they'll say no and then I'll lose a close friend of mine who I really love and appreciate. I don't feel pride. I don't feel proud of my identity as demiromantic because it feels like a curse. If I could feel attracted to people I don't know I might at least ask people out because I don't lose a friend if they say no.

I got my autism diagnosis, and everything now makes sense. Social decoding has always been the more difficult for me than regular people. NT relationships value this unpredictability and high emotional stakes, but these things are way too overwhelming for me. I need time to be able to interpret a person's mannerisms and behavior, and only then do I feel safe enough to engage in romance and sex.

Let me transition to internet brainrot terms... Although I'm an introvert at heart, going to private school, being raised by my parents has conditioned me to be in golden retriever mode that craves external validation any time I'm not alone. But I think I've always preferred partners that are more "black cat", because I guess that's who I wish I could more like.

Yeah my social skills are cooked. I learned to be aggressively friendly in college because my school has a ton of fraternity/sorority culture but I've found that my beloved introverts are often overwhelmed by me V_V FML I need to passionately make out with someone ASAP.

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Hello, I've recently confessed to a girl i like we've known each other for a year now, she's demi and I've known this since i met her, she told me that because of it she doesn't feel the same back but with time it might change, she said it was "neither yes or no"

I'm really happy that she encouraged me to keep trying, and so I've decided to keep engaging with her so that we might learn more about each other.

I guess my question to the demi demographic is: what is the biggest thing that makes you like someone ?

I get the "make a bond" and i understand that it takes time, but I've been wondering what bond constitutes most of those feelings and what they should represent