I've been unpacking a lot in the past year about myself, and have realized that a lot of what I defined as squishes were moreso aesthetic/sensual/intellectual attraction. This is great! It makes me more sure of what I want and how to describe it.

I just. Don't know how to actually go about pursuing anything I want. I have tried asking people to be in QPR's, I have tried communicating and being open and just talking about things, and it never works. It feels like the only solution is for me to get lucky and it to happen organically. Which to me feels like it only ever happens when the other person is in need of a therapist friend.

I'm just tired. I have one friend rn who I've been generally friendly with for a year but barely ever get to see in person/have long conversations with and lately i've been craving physical affection from them specifically. I find them hot and they're a very inspiring person with a lot of skills I've always found really impressive + just generally very kind and inclusive to those around them & have their head screwed on the right way round. I don't know what to do about this other than suffer in scilence till this squish goes away.

This is tagged as a vent but I would love advice if anyone has it.

For context, I've been thinking of writing a story about a medieval knight with super speed, and one thing I wamted to do with it was have him not feel romantic attraction towards others, but do feel sexually attracted towards women, because I want to try writing someone feeling something that wouldn't have been named or understood in in the time period they're in.

Thinking back on what I saw from her interactions with Robert in the game, her advances toward him didn't really read to me as her liking him romantically. It's more just a hunch on my end than a headcanon though. Do you think she's aro, or does her behavior to you as something else, like hypersexuality or just immaturity?

I figured out I was aromantic a few years ago, after watching Jaiden Animations' video about her being aroace, and it got me thinking about how I've never looked at anyone or met anyone I felt attracted to romantically. I called myself aromantic - heterosexual for that time because I still found I felt sexual attraction towards women, and I didn't know what "allo" meant, so I went with a specific label. Now knowing what it means, I think I'll still say I'm aromantic heterosexual when I meet accepting people so there's no confusion, but I'm willing to say I'm aroallo to myself, it'll just take time to keep it in my head.

I've heard about some aromantics not enjoying romance in stories, but I'm curious how other aromantics feel about them when they're your choice to romance or not.

I'm still somewhat active in the asexuality sub since I used to identify as ace and now hope to perhaps help people figure out whether or not they're aro.

Anyway, I keep seeing so many posts by alloaces lamenting that apparently no one these days wants to just date and instead everyone is looking for sex... yet my issue is the exact opposite. It seems like everyone is obsessed with romance, wants something "serious" and find "the one", writing in their dating bios to swipe left if you're only looking for something casual.

It's so rare for me to actually encounter people who just want something casual (FWBs, hookups, etc.), and maybe this is a cultural thing or something, but honestly, I just encounter WAY more people looking for romance than just sex.

Is it just confirmation bias, something cultural, or something else?

It seems like I put my all into new friendships with women for a close friendship but I can’t even feel romance so then I stop trying hard to have that close connection. It’s like I want romance but I hate the feeling? I also feel I don’t understand what a friendship is versus a close friendship. Any thoughts or am I alone on this one?

so, ive been in a relationship for about 4 years, and we recently got married about a year ago. me being able to give affection has always been a big problem in our relationship, and something we have constantly argued about. i originally thought it was because of my adhd, and that i just forget to give them affection because my mind is always elsewhere; but when i got medicated if anything it only made things worse.

it only occurred to me very recently that i might actually be aro, and not because i have adhd. me and my wife were arguing about it that day, and when i went to work i was thinking about it for the entire shift; before i realized i might actually be aro after about 5 years of me not being able to give affection.

it was only really a possibility whenever i first thought about it, but when i started to read and listen to people's experiences with being aro, i found myself resonating with most if not everything they said. what especially broke me is when i read a comment that someone made about only being able to show romantic affection when they believe that it will lead to intimacy, which is something i have done my entire life without even thinking about it. I've always felt very guilty about it, because every time I have been in a relationship, everything was going great until things got intimate between me and them, but then it would fall apart shortly afterwards. It's something that my spouse argued with me as well, that i only give affection if im in the mood, which has never been something i do intentionally. it just makes so much sense that my entire life what i originally thought was romantic interest in someone has turned out to just be sexual desire for them, and as soon as a sexual relationship is achieved there is nothing left unless i am in the mood again.

it just explains so much about me. why ive never actively pursued relationships, why those i have pursued have never been very serious, and why the one serious relationship i have ever had is struggling because i cannot give them affection.

what's really tearing me up right now though, is that if i decide that i am aro and come out, it will almost definitely be the end of our marriage. they said that it is a requirement that they are with someone who is constantly showering them with affection almost 24/7, but anytime i put in effort to be that person for them it always ends up falling flat because i get so exhausted with trying. this has lead me to believe that what i have is something completely irreversible, and no matter how hard i try to be someone i am not, i will always be the person i am.

i really hope that this isnt the case, and that there is something that i can do differently, im afraid i have almost exhausted all of my options, and that me being aro must almost certainly be true.

i honestly just feel really bad for my spouse if that is true. i know that they are somebody who needs to be constantly showered with affection, but they are also constantly showering me with affection; but it tears me up how i can almost never reciprocate. when they will hug me, or kiss me, or tell me that im cute, i almost always seem to make them upset with my following reaction. apparently i always make a weird face whenever they call me cute, and ill try to end a hug much earlier than is wanted, and i dont even close my eyes when we kiss. they realized this the other day when kissing me, and asked "have you always done that?" and i just thought about it and realized i have never even closed my eyes during kissing. i just sit there and ponder whatever is on my mind until the kiss is over.

if this is the case, and i am aro, i really need to come out to them; but i dont know when would be the right time. were both in a pretty rough spot right now, and they work a really busy and important job and i would hate to mess that up for them right before they have to start the workweek. we have a busy day with friends tomorrow so i definitely cant tell them today, but also im the type of person that needs to do something as soon as they think about it, otherwise theyll forget.

idk its just a really hard situation for me, so if you have any advice or similar experiences you'd like to share, please tell me!!! it would be extremely helpful!!!! thank you

(fem NB, 23, aro lesbian) i've been talking to this girl over text the past two weeks or so, and it's been really weird.

due to my aromanticism (having never had experienced romantic attraction in my 23 years of living, ever.), for the longest i was convinced that i couldn't ever develop limerent feelings for someone... until recently.

i don't know how else to explain it, but the last couple of days i've felt my sense of self kind of slipping away?

like i've been barely able to sleep, eat or do daily chores? and throughout the day (and night), my mind is constantly bombarded by these intrusive thoughts, or producing these elaborate fantasies about her.

my heart skips a beat whenever she texts me back after hours or days of radio silence, and i feel at ease for a moment. however when she's away, i experience a lot of anxiety and discomfort, to the point of suffering from actual nausea and heart palpitations. i don't like how hyper-conscious i've become of myself and the way i speak, being afraid that the smallest thing i say may turn her off.

i'm quite literally feeling lovesick, and i'm at a loss for what to do as i've never experienced this before. i genuinely want to connect with her and like her for who she is, regardless of what flaws she may have, but my limerent feelings are currently preventing me from doing so.

i suspect that these limerent feelings will subside once we actually start going out and meeting up in person, but i won't see her for the next two à three weeks.

it's been hard to process emotionally as well— i can't help but feel this deep sense of shame and insecurity, and it's bringing up a lot of doubt as far as my aromantic identity goes.

i was wondering what the general consensus & understanding is as far as what constitutes as limerence as opposed to romantic attraction.

i know people can and normally do experience romantic attraction without limerence, but can the same be said about the opposite? is limerence always inherently romantic? or can limerence occur even when there are no romantic feelings involved? i get that asking fellow aros what romantic attraction entails is a bit silly lol but i was hoping my arospec siblings can perhaps give me their two cents.

thanks for reading! x

I'm aromantic, bisexual, and pissed off at the lack of aroallo representation in fiction. Thankfully I'm also a writer so I can take matters into my own hands. I'm working on a short story collection about aroallo characters. What are some aroallo things you guys would like to see represented in a fictional character?

Did you always know you were aro did your allo identity ever conflict with your aro one?

Did you have to do damage control in your life when you found out you are aro and if so what?

Are any of you pursuing a romantic relationship or QPR?

what do boundaries in friendships and relationships look like?

What does dating as an aromantic look like?

What do power imbalances in close friendships look like and how have you avoided them?

Hi so for a long time I would "fall in love" with my friends. For lack of a better term when I would get significantly close to someone I wanted to fuck them. I loved my friends and that sexual pull made me feel like I was in love with them. A feeling that caused me great distress.

Now fast forward I can't hold down a romantic relationship they are restrictive confusing and uncomfortable my closeness with friends is something I felt was a moral failing on my part and I cut them all out of my life (an action I deeply regret)

Now a few survived and one has some kind of aro tendencies. He's been exploring his identity for a long time and I've always been a safe space for him and lately he's really been coming out of his shell.

I've been so happy for him but his newfound confidence has reminded me how much I miss my friends. I miss bolstering them up and watching them grow and ... And when I do that I start wanting to fuck them out of some sort of platonic closeness. I don't want things to become romantic I just want to celebrate their joys.

My friend suggested I be in open relationships but I feel like if I don't understand why I'm doing this I'll just hurt everyone in the long haul.

I do love my partner but even that feels more like a brother to the point kissing him sometimes bothers me and I wonder why when I want to kiss my friends

I think somewhere along the way I got messed up and I'm just trying to understand and fix it

Anyways maybe hearing some of your experiences will help me understand what I'm going through

Obviously most people here are aroallo, but there are so many different kinds! We should be able to add our exact aro identity/microlabel and sexual orientation as it would also make it easier to find people with a similar or even the same identity - that said, any fellow bisexual bellusromantics? 👀

I'd probably add silly stuff to mine too, like: "romantic kissing: 😤 - platonic/sexual kissing: 😍"

What would your user flair be if you could customize it?

it makes me sad that a lot of people cant even fathom the idea of being aroallo, especially other queer people. like having to explain the fact that sexual and romantic attraction are seperate things, just to lay the groundwork to explaining my orientation is just 😭 i dunno. I think it's the fact that i have to explain it at all, yknow? like if one more person says "what's that?" when I tell then i'm aromantic, or tries to tell me that my orientation is just because of my own bad experiences with partners i'm gonna loseee it😭.

I usually don't feel this frustrated about being underrepresented but today another queer person I work with (we regularly talk openly to each other about being lgbt but today i told her i was an arospec bisexual) did exactly this, and then looked at me like I had two heads when I tried to explain to her what a qpr was and why it appealed to me😭 I understand that it might seem strange when you've never heard of it before, but sighhh

I just wish we were more visible, and I wish that not wanting romance wasn't seen as something that needs to be fixed. it really sucks because sometimes it feels like I cant always connect with other queer people outside the arospec/aroace community because of how romance-centric the world is.

this is definitely a first-world problem lol but I really felt like letting this out to the people who I knew could understand. i know this is a vent post but i'm really so grateul for this community and everyone here. thank you all for sharing your stories, experiences, and support, whether you're still questioning or secure in your identities; just reading so many of your posts and comments has helped me understand myself, and I hope that more people who need a community like this find it :') happy pride 💚🤍💛

So I've always thought of myself as an aroallo after I discovered what it is, now I must admit that I remember growing up I had some kind of romantic attraction when I was little, but that feeling had disolved over time and is now long gone. I'm for sure straight and are into women sexually, I just never understood the appeal of having a romantic relationship, I have witnessed firsthand in my family of how a romantic relationship can be toxic, abusive, and controlling. Now I must admit that I had often time admire the girls I know whether it's their physical beauty or a positive trait that they have, which doesn't mean I like them romantically of course, I admire physical beauty because it turns me on and I admire positive traits because I want to be more like them. I have no issue of seeing a couple together or watching a romance film, I find it kinda wholesome something really, I just don't wish to experience romance myself.

Now in society all around the world romance is very important, many of my peers are in a romantic relationships, and I have been pushed by my family to have a girlfriend and eventually marry and have children which I have no intentions of ever doing. I dont know how they will react if I came out as alloaro but I know their reaction won't be positive.

What do y'all think? Do you think Im an AroAllo? Share your thoughts!

Hello, everyone! I recently started a book named “Single at Heart” written by Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. She spent years doing research on people who have a preference for singledom and shares her findings. I’ve found her book to be incredibly insightful on the current cultural narratives surrounding partnership and singlism (discrimination against people without romantic partners) and thought I would share it here.

I’ve personally struggled with amatonormativity my entire life and it was really wonderful to see a celebration of singlehood. DePaulo also does a great job of debunking myths about “solitary” lifestyles. So if anyone here wants a solo life or feels unseen, this is definitely worth checking out.

Her book also includes advice for allies and ways to answer difficult questions!

Happy reading :)

I recently realized that being aroallo is an option, and this might finally explain all my confusion over my sexuality, but my brain doesn't want to accept it.

I don't understand the difference between romance and friendships, but society is constructed in such a way that romantic relationships are the only (socially appropriate) way to access certain benefits that I kinda want, so it's confusing to me whether that means I'm alloaro or not.

I legitimately had zero interest in dating ever until I realized just how much society values romantic relationships and how adults basically don't have friends anymore. I downloaded dating apps and got really into it, but I constantly felt like I was being expected to perform something that I wasn't interested in doing, so I lost interest relatively quickly. I'm still open to being in a relationship though... I think... maybe?

To me it kind of sounds like sex is the benefit being presented as if cheating the system by skipping romance. It also gives off this mindset that sexuality is only healthy in a monogamous romantic relationship. I think a better term for it would be “sexual friendship”, kind of like how QPRs are sometimes called “romantic friendships” but giving more autonomy for aroallos particularly to get their feelings across. For me personally phrasing it as FWB sounds deliberately intrusive. Thoughts?

What were some of those little a-ha moments that only make sense in retrospect for you?

I vividly remember in high school when they would taught us sex ed in health class. They had this activity where they would pose a question and have us go to corners to represent our opinions on the matter. I remember there was some question like “who do you think is having the best sex?” And the options were single, married, FWBs, and divorced people. The whole thing was just to push the narrative about saving yourself for marriage but whatever. I just remember instantly going to the FWB corner because that just instinctively made sense to me. I wasn’t the only one who picked that corner thankfully, but I just remember not understanding why love somehow made sex better.

Years later I just go ah yeah that’s why I felt that way.
Anyone else have those little memories?

I can't even deny it. I do not care for romance. I don't want it. I don't like it. I only want sex.

​

I'm a slut, a player, a monster who uses people for sex and only loves their bodies. Even though I communicate my needs, doesn't change the fact that I only want sex and intimacy without romance. Everyone will see me as a slut because that's all I am.

​

I really hate myself right now. Should I just grow a pair, try to get over my irrational romance-repulsion, and just try dating even though the mere thought of it makes me wanna puke? Even though I'd probably feel uncomfortable and anxious 24/7 if someone developed romantic feelings for me?

​

I don't think I could do it, but I feel so disgusting the way I am. I don't want to be like this.

Any other aro-allo people struggle with figuring out what standards make sense for relationships?

Sexual compatibility is one of the most important things I look for in a partnership, and it's already hard enough to find someone I'm genuinely compatible with in that way. Because of that, I sometimes find myself accepting things in my own relationships that I would tell my alloromantic friends not to tolerate.

For example, if a friend told me a guy kept promising dates and never followed through, rarely texted her, or generally put very little effort into the relationship, I'd probably tell her to move on. But in my own relationships, those things don't always feel like dealbreakers if the relationship is otherwise meeting my needs.

What I can't figure out is whether that's because I'm aromantic or because I'm settling.

Part of the issue is that I don't know where the line is between "romantic expectations" and basic care for another person. I like the idea of someone bringing me flowers on my birthday or taking me out to dinner occasionally. But those things don't necessarily feel romantic to me. As a woman, I would do all of those things for close friends without thinking twice. To me, that's just how you show up for people you care about.

However I know this is often not the case for cis het men. Some of the straight men I've been involved with have commented that I "go above and beyond" for my friends for doing super basic things like giving them a ride home from work.

Sometimes I wonder if it's fair to want those things when I'm not offering a traditional romantic future in return. Are those reasonable things to want from a relationship that isn't necessarily romantic? Or am I expecting people to invest in a connection that doesn't offer what most people are ultimately looking for?

Part of me worries that if I hold out for someone who is sexually compatible with me, willing to show up for me in those ways, and also comfortable with a relationship that will likely never become traditionally romantic, I'll end up with no prospects at all.

Has anyone else struggled with this?

this is genuinely such a funny situation

so I (19F) have identified as aroallo for multiple years now, because with people I found attractive, I rarely had those soft, I want to hold your hand feelings. and other people having romantic feelings for me really scared and disgusted me. I think a part of it is also an autonomy I really cling to, and all the romantic expectations impede on this. I’ve also had really good experiences with friends with benefits constellations, where we both feel really comfortable with each other.

anyways, I met this guy (20M) two weeks ago through friends, we all went to the club and we started making out. it was lovely, and in my mind it was a sexual hookup. however, we went to his house after, and just cuddled and talked for hours. at that point, I already realised that I feel different about this than about my fwb situations. the next time we met, it was very romantic, and a few days later I slept at his house and we had sex. the sex felt different to me than with other people - with them, it was more animalistic, more direct, but with him I was also sleeping with him because I wanted to connect with him. anyways, at this point I’ve met his parents and he’s met mine, we’ve been walking around with his arm over my shoulder and kissing and smiling at each other and I’m so surprised that I seem to like this. I also tell him that I can really imagine something romantic between us.

and then: to the end of our last meeting, just before he has to take the bus, he tells me he’s aromantic. I was soo taken aback, genuinely. when he left, I first genuinely freaked out a bit because I felt a bit used for my body (I have no problem when people communicate that they don’t want something romantic, but this felt like ”faking it”). I also felt grief for the romantic future I had imagined with him. I’m moving a few hours away in a few months and he suggested just continuing until then, but that also somehow hurt me. I noticed I had a crazy need for clarity for him, so I rang him and we talked and it was really helpful. apparently, he doesn’t quite understand how romantic feelings are supposed to feel, but all the things we did do feel good (I was really scared they didn’t after his confession). we’ve said now we’ll continue doing what we’re doing and what feels good, and I’m honestly happy with that because it gives me the possibility to detach from the romantic future I was imagining him with and maybe even ignoring things I didn’t like in the moment for it. I’ve also noticed that I probably really like the idea of him as my boyfriend too, as in other people seeing me with him, and I can now detach from that. so yeah I’m mostly happy, while still a little bit hurt

just wanted to share in this sub <3

TLDR: met a guy and we started being romantic with each other, and I surprisingly liked it. then he told me he’s probably aromantic, and I’m getting used to this now