I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life and it has been a constant buzzing noise in my head most of the days of my adult life. However, I experimented with a form of psychedelics ( along with drinking/cannabis - which I know was not the brightest idea looking back) and since that point the anxiety noise has completely disappeared but it has been replaced with almost constant intrusive thoughts.

I used to be able to feel good about things, but now when something ‘should’ be giving me joy , like celebrating an event, or even doing a good job at something I just feel completely numb, almost like the serotonin/dopamine/oxytocin in my brain got turned all the way down.

This trip was in October of last year and the first few months were hell, I had deep feelings of abandonment, deep self loathing and a super loud intrusive thought that told me I was wrong for my husband, I couldn’t stop crying, could barely make it through one day without being extremely emotionally dysfunctional. Over the last couple of months it has gotten better, but I’m still dealing with the very loud intrusive thoughts, and these don’t just centre on how I feel about myself but also about other people, and about how easy they find things, how joyful they can be, and how I feel like I just don’t belong because I’m not any of those things which is leading to even more tense thoughts.

I’ve been through 5 years of therapy before this experience happened and I don’t want to go back and feel like I’m circling again and trying to over therapize myself. I’m feeling completely lost, as my husband had such a better experience and came out of it feeling more assured and secure in himself and I am a mess on the other end of the spectrum which is adding more layers.

I have been feeling so alone in going through all of this, I have used an integration coach at times in the last few months, but I am still dealing with really loud and emotionally destabilising intrusive thoughts and this part is the hardest for me. I’ve been prescribed ssri’s but I have no intention on taking them as I saw what it has done to the people around me and I don’t want more chemicals in my brain messing up whatever is going on in an attempt to fix something.

I would love to hear how other people manage these kinds of thoughts and what their journey to healing has been.

😞

Family is away on a three-week vacation and I’m home alone. It’s only been a few hours and I already miss them a lot.

I have plans to invite/meet with a friend for dinner multiple times a week, but I’ve never been home alone for this long before and I’ve been moderate-severely depressed this entire summer.

Zero motivation to participate in my hobbies and a lot of anxiety/sadness in general. Any practical and actionable tips on coping?

The *only* reason I'm still alive is that I have not succeeded in finally killing myself yet.

Even though I have a family that cares about me, it's not enough. Literally all my friends are online, I've tried and failed to make friends irl.

I did not do well enough in school, and I have no remaining dreams. I'll either be forced to get a job I will hate solely to make money, or I can rely on my country's social safety net for the rest of this wasteful life.

As if that wasn't enough, it's getting worse literally everywhere. We're actively heading towards a future comparable to 1984, and WW3 is a very real possibility. There is even more negative events that at least has a very real possibility to happen, but that doesn't really matter. All of these are things that will almost certainly happen in my natural life span.

So I have pretty much no wish to keep on living, and I do not want any so-called "help" from "professionals"

I just want to experience some kind of peace, but that seems to only be achievable when not being conscious in this life.