I'm tired of being romantically alone. I once entered that web place where everything seemed to revolve around aesthetics. I planned surgeries, talked online with other people who told me not to do them, that they wouldn't solve anything, and to go to the gym, find other hobbies, go out more (obviously without knowing me), maybe get my teeth fixed. But okay. In the last years, I've focused on this, I even started therapy. But after 10 years, I'm still here. Invisible, dumped, ignored; watching the same handsome guy impress other women. Even worse if they're the ones you're interested in, or your friends, or even someone you once cared about.

Today, it was a flash. I was reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius and I realized: why am I reading this book? Nothing wrong with it, but why did I take up philosophy now?

I'm simply looking for a "magic formula" that will make me feel appreciated by women. That will make me find the girl who's happy with me and therefore I'll feel calm and free. I came to Marcus Aurelius because I first read a lot of self-help books, including No Mr. Nice Guy or Love Don't Leave Me. I was also thinking about The Charisma Myth. These books aren't even available in my language; I read them in English hoping to find the answer, but again: here we are.

I can't take it anymore; it has nothing to do with the context or anything else. In 8 different contexts, attention will always go to the most attractive people in those contexts. The other night, at a graduation party, the girls friends of the party guest (all 25) were more interested in the handsome 19-year-old than in me. I feel manipulated into believing I shouldn't focus too much on looks, but then if I focus on something else, the result is always the same and I feel like I wasted time. But I'm also afraid of actually making a mistake and hearing "Well done, you idiot, we warned you." I'm also fed up with hearing bullshit about destiny, the someone are not meant to that, or karma... what bs.

I'm sick of hearing my girl friends cry over a tall Venezuelan guy with unresolved issues who makes them feel bad, but who calls them to fuck them and they blows everyone off and goes to their place, only to whine the next day. I could have done that with the last girl I was dating, but I'd feel like a hypocrite and a piece of shit for doing that to her. It's not even a matter of being an asshole or a good guy. A friend of mine is hooking up and he's incredibly kind and nice, and he's also a really good-looking guy.

I'm sick of hearing people tell me to try harder, and if I try harder, hearing them tell me I'm thirsty. Or that I find defective the girls that are into me (girls who are like 11 years younger than me).

What the hell.. I swear, if there was a solution, even just an attitude, I'd bring out all the actor in me to embrace that.

Basically the title, this hasn't happened yet, but to be fair I never had a long term relationship after adopting my dog.

But I was talking to a friend about this, and apparently she was upset with a guy she dated because he never mentioned he was planning to keep his dog when they moved. The guy was living at home, so idk if that changes things.

I was like "well yeah, of course he's gonna keep his dog with him" she didn't see it that way.

But yeah, I have a dog, something I talk about on the first date on is on my profile.

Do i need to spell out that my dog and I are a package deal?

Hi friends!

I know I (24F) am quite young to be writing this but I could genuinely use an outsider perspective right now. For context a lot of my friends are in serious relationships, engaged, or married or don’t share the same experiences as me because they forgo dating all together.

I am dating because I eventually want to find the one, or my person. I’ve always been romance-minded, I’ve had crushes since the age of 5 so it’s been almost 20 years of heartbreak up in this thing (LOL).

Anyway, there’s been a lot of obstacles and trauma on my journey: being sexualized, only being seen for my body or what I can offer, assault, verbal abuse, cyberbullying, stalking, pretty much anything short of being murdered or kidnapped. I don’t want to get too deep into it but I am in therapy for these and acknowledge this is where most of my pain comes from. I also have not experienced romantic love despite being in a few short-term relationships.

Anyway, I was wondering if anybody who has been traumatized or felt negatively about their overall dating experience has ever been able to heal it or find the person they love? Some days I feel like I’m too broken down and accepting that I’ll be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I want to experience love. I know that I’m capable of it because I have wonderful qualities and I have a lot of people in my life who love me, just not romantically?

I would love to hear some positive examples, about healing and finding your person. Because I want to believe it but sometimes I get too deep into my head.

Has anyone here successfully broken out of unhealthy relationship and dating patterns?

I’ve always ended up going back to Tinder because it feels like a safety net. Looking back, I’ve spent years caught in messy, toxic, and generally unhealthy dating dynamics.

I’m aware of my own patterns, the kinds of women I tend to attract, and the fact that instability feels familiar to me (probably because of my childhood, don’t ask as it’s just very fucking sad). Deep down, I don’t think I really believe I deserve a genuinely good woman or something longstanding. I came from a broken home.

I’ve had casual sex and ends up being what I default back too, but it’s usually felt empty and disconnected and more of a biological urge. It doesn’t feel like anything more and I’m not building connections. My life has always felt chaotic, and I’ve struggled with the idea of letting someone in because I worry I’ll just drag them down with me.

Recently, though, I met someone who is completely different from anyone I’ve dated before. She’s nothing like the women I’m used to, and for some reason she actually likes me. She’s emotionally mature, healthy, kind, and genuinely good for me.

We communicate well, get along effortlessly, and have amazing chemistry. She’s incredible.
We started out as friends, but without really intending to, things gradually became more than that. Lines got crossed, and now I’m feeling completely thrown off because this is so different from anything I’ve ever experienced. I really like her. Like really really like her.

The problem is that I’m terrified.

This kind of relationship is completely outside of my comfort zone. I genuinely want to break these old patterns and give myself a real chance at being happy, but I don’t know how. How does my familial background and my current life baggage not make me a red flag?

My life is already full of major changes related to work and moving city, family issues, a sick and dying best friend and a lot of stress. Surely that’s too much for someone to take on? I should just save them the hassle?

I can’t imagine losing her from my life, but I’m also scared to take the leap and actually pursue something real. What if it doesn’t work out? But maybe even more terrifying… what if it does? What if she’s actually everything I’ve been looking for? I feel like I’m sabotaging myself before I’ve even given this a chance.

I ended up telling her that we needed to take a step back and stop whatever this was becoming. Naturally, she’s hurt and confused because we crossed that line together, only for me to suddenly put the walls back up and say this isn’t happening anymore when it was something she really wanted.

I know I’m putting her through an emotional roller coaster, and I hate that. But I can’t seem to convince myself that I deserve something healthy, meaningful, and lasting when so much of my life feels like it’s going wrong right now. I went back to tinder as my safe space even-though I know it’s wrong, I have a potential great connection right there.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you get past the fear of finally having something good?

I don’t want to lose her, I feel terrible for giving her hope then taking it away but I am terrified. How do I stop my previous history from talking me out of this when I know I want it and it could be incredible for me. It’s unknown and familiar and I’d never have expected her, she subverts my type in every way.

(This is also not me placing the blame on the women here or saying it’s the women’s fault that I’ve gone for toxic situation’s or saying it is them. It’s the fact of the matter that I have always been drawn to unhealthy situations as my life has always been unstable. It feels familiar).

HOW DO I NOT SELF SABOTAGE AND JUST LET MYSELF BE HAPPY

I wanted to share this as a 31 year old guy who has always had a hard time dating. While I have had one relationship before, that’s been the extent of my experience with dating, and now I can’t help but feel like behind everyone else.

My friends and family don’t really understand it. They consistently tell me that it should be “easy” for me, since I have desirable qualities that a partner would want. But none of that ever seems to translate to success with dating. Frankly, I can’t name a time where anybody has ever been interested in me before.

To illustrate this issue a bit better:

1. I think of myself as being very sociable, open, and funny. While I don’t make a lot of friends who are men, I do make a lot of friends who are women. They think I’m great (but making a friendship isn’t the same as creating a relationship where there’s shared romantic interest).
   
2. I’m a well educated person who has an advanced degree and a really good career. I did sacrifice my twenties to study hard and go to grad school, but I think I’m becoming successful now.
   
3. I think I have interesting (and pretty unique) hobbies and interests. I like to write books, perform stand up comedy, and repair cars.
   
4. I think I’m pretty attractive overall. I may not have an active career as a male model, but I’m 6’6 feet tall, an in good shape, have good hair, dress well, and don’t have any notable insecurities. But despite hearing that these are the physical traits that potential partners want my entire life, it’s anything but a slam dunk.

I guess I wanted to know if anyone can relate to what I described. Maybe you feel like you have the right things going for you, but maybe it hasn’t made a difference. I wonder if anyone else can relate to the experience of trying to get to know someone you’re interested in, only to have them always choose someone else in the end. I hope it isn’t just me.

I'll be honest. I don't think I'm a particularly interesting person. I work a low paying job, don't really have hobbies, don't have much a social life, and my interests are very stereotypical and banal. I haven't done a lot of interesting or fascinating things in my life. Is there anything wrong with this? Is it really possible for every guy or girl to be "interesting"? And what's wrong with, let's say, the gym, being your main hobby? Or hiking or sports for that matter? I'm sure we are all interesting to some people, but terribly boring to others.

What do you guys think? Does anyone feel the same way?