r/ask • u/crushedwalmuts • 4h ago
Should the childless aunt be the one putting in more effort into the relationship with their sister and nieces/nephews or should it be equal?
I(27F) have two older siblings. My oldest sister (31) has 2 kids, a cat, and a dog and my middle sister (30) has 3 kids, 2 cats, a dog and a bird. I have 2 cats lol
My middle sister and her fam, my parents, and I all live within the same small town while my oldest sister lives 2 hours away.
My middle sister gets a lot of support from me and my parents because she is local. I see her and my nieces almost every day. Whereas, I see my oldest sister about 1-2 times a month. When her kids were first born and I was a student I would constantly make trips up because I had the extra time. I would drive her and her kids to appointments and go to check-in. My parents and sister didn't visit a lot due to COVID and my middle sister needing a lot of support. My parents felt that since we're all here it would be easier for them to come this way more often. And my parents do make the occasional trip up to her as well.
My oldest sister always makes comments about ppl not visiting and how my parents favor their other grandchildren. She also makes the argument that it would be easier for ppl to go to her because her son has level three autism and can get easily overstimulated around ppl.
She's always making posts about "I won't tell my kids about you if you don't visit", "you're responsible for having a relationship with my kids", "I have no village" blah blah.
But honestly I kind of feel like that's bullshit. I think the parent is equally responsible for ensuring their kids have relationships with their loved ones cuz kids don't know how to navigate that and if they don't, it's just putting it completely on the other person.
And as her sister if she wants a relationship with me, should it be equal? Or should I be the only one doing favors for her, going to visit, checking in because I don't have kids?
I think there's a difference between trying to accomodate someone and whatever this is.
Plus last time I went up to visit her my parents tagged along. I got my nephew a car he could build. The drill needed batteries and she started screaming at her husband where they were and took it away. This ruckus caused her son to get overstimulated and he started getting upset which made her angrier. She tried to open the drill up and she said that the screw was stripped and she told her son it was too bad and he wouldn't be able to play really coldly. My dad asked to see it to try and help and she flipped out at him. Then she beratted me saying "where did you get this? Binz? Value village?" Implying it was used and cheap. Rather, it was brand new - not that it would matter. My dad ended up taking the drill when she stormed off to cry in her bathroom and he said it wasn't stripped and got it to work. It was fucking awful and we all wanted to leave within that first ten mins. So I guess that's another reason we don't want to be trapped in her environment.